post written by: Marc Chernoff

10 Ways to Break Your Own Heart

10 Ways to Break Your Own Heart

The worst kind of heartache is the kind you inflict on yourself.

If you don’t want to break your own heart, then don’t…

  1. Let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. – If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you.  Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever.  No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes.  No one else has lived through your exact experiences.  And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel.  Your feelings are important.  Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.
  2. Regret every mistake you’ve ever made. – If you regret some of the decisions you’ve made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself.  At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had.  At that time, you did your best with the experience you had.  Your decisions were made with a younger mind.  If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have now, you would choose differently.  So give yourself a break.  Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us prosper, grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for.  Read Emotional Freedom.
  3. Take your loved ones for granted. – Someday, for one reason or another, there will be someone you miss dearly.  Missing this person will have nothing to do with how long it’s been since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked.  It will be about that very moment when you’re doing something and you wish they were right there with you.  So be sure to appreciate every moment you get to spend with the people who matter to you.
  4. Let your ego get the best of you. – Sometimes we choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride.  When two people who care about each other fight, both are wrong.  They have put some kind of superficial outcome over love and compromise.  The one who apologizes and makes up first, is the one who is right.
  5. Get involved in every petty argument that comes your way. – Being strong doesn’t mean you have to stay and fight all the battles and petty arguments that come your way.  Being strong doesn’t mean you have to respond to rude remarks.  Don’t retort by throwing insults back at them.  Don’t bring yourself down to their level.  That’s what they want.  Keep your dignity.  True strength is being smart enough to walk away from all the nonsense with your head held high.  Read The Four Agreements.
  6. Join the negativity committee. – No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and participate in the self-destruction they choose for their own lives.  You decide how your soul grows.  The extent of your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts.  So be positive.  Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.
  7. Rush love. – A good relationship is when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and love each other enough to encourage each other’s future.  So don’t rush love.  Find a partner who encourages you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back.  This is what true love is all about, and it’s always worth the wait.
  8. Hold on to those who don’t want to stay. – It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place.  If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either.  The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.
  9. Ignore every bit of constructive criticism you receive. – The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.  A true friend will always speak the truth, even if it hurts.  So don’t assume that every critic in your life is a hater.  Not everyone is hating on you.  Some people truly care about you, and are simply telling you the truth that you have been subconsciously denying.  Read The Mastery of Love.
  10. Give up on yourself. – Maneuvering through difficult times is a lot like driving through dense fog.  You can’t always see where you’re going, you feel a little lost, you want to turn back, and every mile feels like forever.  Yet, scared or fatigued as you might be, there’s nothing you can do but breathe, focus on the road ahead, keep moving forward, and trust that a force with keener vision than yours is out there functioning as your guide.

Photo by: Shandi-lee Cox

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  • Loved the post. These little reminders are so important to me, to keep life happy. Thanks as always :-)

  • Wow! Talk about impeccable timing… I’m seriously struggling with a couple of these very issues. Thank you again for being a beacon of positivity and hope.

  • I’m really struggling with #8 right now. It’s something I know I need to do, but gosh it’s hard.

    And I also really appreciate the last one. These words help me push forward. I know what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. :)

  • Wow! These are always so timely. I appreciate EACH and EVERY post you make. Thank you for providing this for us! Part of #6 is my new affirmation for this week.

    “You decide how your soul grows. The extent of your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts. So be positive. Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.”

    You are in my gratitude journal today!

  • Wow, points for this post. Great tips for tough situations we all face in our lives. Time to let go, learn, and live free! Thanks Marc and Angel.

  • Love your take on these, especially the sentiment that a force with a keener vision is guiding us. Thanks for sharing - this is such an inspirational post!

  • A big thank you Marc and Angel, your wisdom is truly amazing! #1 hits me like a bolt of lightning. “No one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel.” Bless you both.

  • I’ve been struggling with #10 these last couple of days. Thank you for the timely reminder.

  • Number 8 is a good reminder for me about controlling my negative emotions and moving forward.

    Fall is always difficult for me because I look out at my backyard and remember all the happy memories of a family raking leaves. And then I think now it’s only me (kid’s off at college) and I get sad. It’s like a dead leaf fog. But when my rake broke yesterday I thought, that’s it. Time to get a new one and tackle the leaves. I suddenly felt that yes, I can do this. I can move on to better things.

  • Love the post. I think sometimes we just forget ourselves. It’s these little reminders that get us back to what really means to us.

  • It’s true that we tend to create our own dramas which then leads to misery. Become still and quiet and go inside once in a while. A little introspection goes a long way.

  • I love the first paragraph…

    Dont Let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. – If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important. Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

    …I felt something very strong for someone in such a short time that not only did others doubt my feelings but so did I. All I know is that what I felt is real to me and that’s all that matters.

    Thank you for highlighting that for me. I look forward every day to reading your blogs and inspiring me to go chase my dreams.

  • This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Really appreciate your sage advice. Thank you

  • Thank you, Thank you so much for these posts. This one in particular sparked something positive in my mind at just the right moment.


  • My morning therapy session… I needed #7 & #8 today — Thanks Marc and Angel.

  • It’s true that you should not regret for the mistakes of your past. Because you should understand that if you knew what you were doing, you would never have done that. So it is no longer a mistake - it’s over. It just happened and you should not make yourself responsible for what what you did forever. You should learn from the experience, and only regret if you make the same mistakes again.

  • At this time, I’m dealing with a bullying co-worker so #5 is most applicable to my situation. Thanks.

  • I love your posts so much! Thank you for sharing all this profound wisdom, it helps me get back to me..

  • Wow, very inspiring and challenging tips! I’ve been struggling with number 3, 9, and 10. Glad for this wake up call :-)

  • The first time came across your post “10 THINGS EVERY INSPIRED PERSON SHOULD KNOW” I was really thrilled by it. And now this post is #2 and it was awesome - like it was meant for me. Will be checking in regularly now and looking forward to more.

  • Guilty of doing many of these things to myself… time to stop. Cultivating awareness is the first step. Thank you.

  • These are all such great reminders, Marc, thank you!

    I would also add one more: Never forgiving yourself. It goes along with #2 about regretting mistakes, but goes a bit further, too. So many times we hold ourselves hostage with the idea that someone else has wronged us and that they are the ones that need to be forgiven when, if our real truth was acknowledged, we need to forgive ourselves. For holding on to the old hurt. For allowing it to sway our lives in the wrong direction for so long. For grasping on to the pit of anger and resentment in our stomachs rather than allowing ourselves to be free.

    Thanks again for this wonderful post!

  • Great post again Marc and Angel. More food for thought.

  • I’m new to this blog and very much appreciate these wonderful reminders and lessons. Thank you, Marc and Angel for coming to my rescue.

  • #8 is the hardest for me because few people in my life seem to really have a caring heart. Today, quality people are hard to find. I know the only one that’s been infallible in my life is my God.

  • I think I’ve made almost every mistake on your list. But he trick is to learn from your mistakes. Thanks for the great list.

    Dan Garner

  • I really Needed this. Thank you so much!

  • Hi,
    I get a lot out of all your posts. And, like the others, there is a lot of truth in this one. I take slight issue with the first item listed here, however. It’s true that no feeling can be wrong–it is a feeling–BUT people can misinterpret situations and so feel something which is inappropriate to the situation. For example, if a person feels anger because someone came late to a date, that anger might be inappropriate because the other person’s car broke down or had some other problem. So the anger is not wrong, but the application might be. Just my two cents.

  • Great post… For the past 5 months I’ve been struggling with #8…. sometimes my soul gets tired, but this post made me feel a bit better. Thanks!

  • Yes, great tips. In many ways you are the only one responsible for a broken heart. No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow.

    It’s a matter of attachment. We find our identity in people and things and can’t let go. Also I find that when I give away my power to others there is no “reasoning” or advice that does any good until I grab that power back.

  • Number’s 1, 2, and 3 I have been working on. 4 I’ve never dealt with since I don’t have much of an ego, 5 isn’t true to me since I’m not the type of person who likes drama, and the rest of them I shall work on. As usual, this is a good list. =)

  • I feel that something special has added to my life through this blog post. Regards.

  • Compare yourself with others and feel inferior. Just adding one more to the 10 ways which I have been through at some points in my life.

    Thank you for the awakenings. To healing hearts! :)

  • This post is so wonderful, and a much needed reminder to myself. Thank you so much for writing this.

  • WOW thank you so much for your words.. I’ve been struggling with # 8 these last couple of weeks but every time I read one of your post is like a reminder and I keep telling myself to stay strong… thanks a lot

  • Great stuff here. We would all do better to guard our hearts with a little more vigilance. I think I have been guilty of every one of these things at one time or another.

    Can I add a number 11? :-) “Listen to the advice on Marc and Angel’s Blog” so you don’t have to learn the hard way.

    Thanks for another helpful article guys.

  • Wow. Your words have made my days better. Thank you so much for taking the time to write these wonderful things that we tend to forget. You make a difference in so many lives, including mine. Please never stop writing.

  • Many of the points in this post really touched my heart. Seriously. Thanks.

  • Ok, I thought I was just too emotional because I am too sensitive — I easily tear up — and I never these could be the root of it all. These ten things almost always describe me. It all boils down to me and me… and more me. I can’t believe I was doing these to my self and kept on blaming other people whenever I feel broken inside. Thanks for the enlightenment.

  • After finding myself in a very dark place, unhappy and lonesome, this blog has really made a huge difference in my life. My only regret is that I didn’t find your website sooner.

    Amazing job, I hope someday I can make a difference in others lives like you do every day.

  • charismaticcharles
    February 6th, 2013 at 9:36 am

    We are all born with different roles, I’m glad you guys are doing yours by making us find ours. It gives others like me the task to look deeper within. Thanks guys, I’m grateful.

  • Seeing all these comments reminds me that we’re all the same. We deal with many of the same struggles. One thing I’m trying to do is to not harden my heart with negativity or anger over situations but rather to open it up and express myself authentically.

    Thanks M and A for your work!

  • I’m struggling with #10 at the moment. Thanks for your post, they’re great as always.

  • In response to “Robert’s” remark. No Robert, you miss the point, what that person is feeling is valid and not inappropriate. Maybe you don’t understand that person properly or actually even value or respect that person… work on “fixing” yourself first and don’t try so hard on fixing others. It is just plain arrogant and incredibly wrong.

    Yes that person may have some confusion (past tense perhaps) but their issues may be very valid and again you are trying to twist and maneuver - I feel like its YOUR PRIDE at being wrong. Admit when you are wrong and have done wrong to others. You cant control others, just yourself…

  • I was so thankful to come across this! :-) I struggle the most with numbers 1 and 8 and agree with Bendedspoon about comparing yourself with others, especially when certain people are a expert at convincing others of how perfect they are at everything.

  • Am thankful I came across this, I already knew all this , but I just needed to hear/get it from someone else. Especially number 8. Thanks.

  • Thank you. Need these insights right now.

  • Thank you so much for this article. Especially for the suggestion on #2 Emotional Freedom. In reading just a few pages online of this book I was able to see that I had been going from one extreme to the other with my emotions instead of letting them move & transcend to better understand where they stemmed from.

  • Thank you for these loving words of profound wisdom, it can take a lifetime to work this out, but you’ve offered it in a nutshell, love and blessings x

  • How do you tell the difference between someone’s constructive criticism of you, which you should consider & take on board, and somebody’s negative and unsupportive criticism of you, which you should disregard and continue to follow your path? Sometimes they look ever so much just the same..

  • Re Robert’s comment, and Amy’s response - I do totally see where Robert is coming from. You have to consider the context - I have someone in my life who is borderline toxic in his negative, critical and angry responses to innocuous things, no matter how carefully and kindly worded, and completely over-reacts to the slightest thing going wrong,to the point where sometimes I am scared to speak & walk round on eggshells, and scared to embark on joint activities in case something doesn’t go to plan. At what point do his feelings of anger become invalid because they’re so unreasonable? Or are they never invalid, so I just have to choose to wish this person well and remove myself from their life?

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