You ultimately become what you repeatedly do. If your habits aren’t helping you, they’re hurting you. Here are some fairly common and widespread examples of the latter that will drain all your joy and peace, year after year, if you let them:
1. Focusing on how life “should” be every step of the way.
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. Wanting to control the uncontrollable.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
3. Holding tight to the way things once were.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Again, even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is often bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
4. Refusing to practice self-forgiveness.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them. (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. Endlessly settling for the default settings.
There are thousands of people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never acknowledging the fact that they can customize everything. Don’t be one of them — don’t settle for the default settings on a daily basis. Don’t hide behind indecision or laziness either. And forget popularity! Just do your thing with passion, humility, and honesty. Do what you do, not for an applause, but because it’s what’s right. Pursue it a little bit each day, no matter what anyone else thinks. That’s how dreams are achieved.
6. Resisting new ideas and lessons.
To make real progress in the long run you must let go of the assumption that you already have all the answers. So don’t stop learning! Don’t stop investing in yourself. Research. Read. Devour books. Engage with people, including those who think differently. Ask questions. Listen closely. And don’t just grow in knowledge. Be a person who gives back. Use what you’re learning to make a real and lasting difference. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal” is a great tool for noticing and keeping track of all your lessons learned.)
7. Constantly seeking fleeting contentment.
There are two variations of contentment in life — fleeting and enduring. The fleeting type is derived from instants of material comfort, while the enduring type is attained through the gradual growth and progress on matters that are truly important to you. At a quick glimpse it might be difficult to decipher one from the other, but as time rolls on it becomes vividly obvious that the latter is far superior. So just remember, if it entertains you now but will hurt or bore you someday, it’s a distraction. Don’t settle. Don’t exchange what you want most for what you kinda want at the moment. Study your routines. Figure out where your time goes, and remove distractions. It’s time to focus more on what matters in the long run.
8. Always worrying about everyone else’s story.
Don’t be so satisfied with the success stories of others and how things have gone for them, that you forget to write your own. Unfold your own tale and bring it to life on a daily basis. You have everything you need to become what you are capable of becoming. Incredible change happens when you decide to make yourself a priority. And remember, you won’t always be a priority to others, and that’s why you have to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself, and become a daily part of your own support system. This means consuming less and creating more. It means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and deciding for you. It means learning to embrace and use your ideas and instincts to write your passage, one day at a time.
9. Fearing little (necessary) failures.
Sometimes we literally have to fail dozens of times to succeed. And no matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying. So don’t get so hung up on a few failed attempts that you miss the opening for a hundred more opportunities. All of your ideas that don’t work are simply stepping stones to the one idea that does. And remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Always get back up! Oftentimes good things fall apart in the near term so better things can fall together in the end. (Read “Stumbling on Happiness”.)
10. Waiting for the “perfect” moment to take the next step.
Don’t buy into the myth of the perfect moment. Moments aren’t perfect, they’re what you make of them. So many people wait around for the stars to align to do what they’re here to do. The perfect moment, the perfect opportunity, the perfect state of being, etc. Wake up! Don’t “wait” away the vast majority of your life! Remind yourself that too many people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. And you don’t be one of them. Ultimately, you will come to succeed not by finding a perfect moment, but by learning to see and use life’s imperfections as stepping stones.
An Exercise for Building Better Habits this Year
If you feel a like you’ve wasted too much time and joy on one or more of the points above, this quick actionable closing exercise is for YOU.
Choose any area in your life that you want to improve, and then:
- Write down the specific details about your current circumstances. (What’s bothering you? Where are you stuck? What do you want to change?)
- Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that have contributed to your current circumstances? (Be honest with yourself. What are you doing regularly that actually contributes to the situation you’re in?)
- Write down a few specific details about the “better circumstances” you’d like to create for yourself. (What would make you happy? What does an improved situation look like for you?)
- Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that will get you from where you are to where you want to be? (Think about it. What small, daily steps will help you gradually move forward from point A to point B?)
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into your old patterns of living this year simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. It’s your turn to remember that you’re leaving certain habits and situations behind for a reason: to improve your life — because you can’t move forward if you keep going back. And it’s undoubtedly your turn to reclaim your joy and make your time count going forward!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Georges Petrequin
Sue B says
Great reminders and although I have tried to follow these in the last 20 years, it’s easy to get knocked off course by things that happen and great to revisit. One that rings for me is to not wait for Fridays, time off, or retirement (I’m 64) & I’m pleased to say I’ve already started to de-clutter albeit slowly. Instead of trying to do it once I retire, that time is for other things.
It was also good to reread the ideas about mistakes, it’s something that I’ve been trying to express to my son that has gone through a failed relationship and subsequently a failed business and your words have given me the words I need to explain what I mean to him.
I honestly feel so good revisiting these and I aim to do so every six months.
Bal K says
I personally love the point “wanting to control the uncontrollable”, it served as a gentle reminder I should keep changing my personal view regards a situation that I can’t alter, what a fabulous positive way of being the best version of me
Leslie Gums says
Great list hard to pick one. Mine is procrastination and then things pile up and a sense of being overwhelmed seeps in. All creating a vicious cycle. I’ve been on this earth 70 years and have lived a full and diverse life so have amassed many experiences and formal education. Even with great resources I still get my feet stuck in the mud and at retirement age that’s basically all I want to do and to me that means picking and choosing where my energies go. Not happening with the corrupt business we’re living under but I will not give up. I also look for ways to maybe do the good deed for the day and help someone who’s also struggling which everytime I’m able brings me to tears but makes my day. Press on, we used to say in the military
Kim says
Wanting to control the uncontrollable and Waiting for the perfect moment were the 2 that touched me the most. There were little nuggets of my truth throughout this very fascinating article. I found the exercise at the end to be helpful and a great addition to the piece. Thank you for this.
Waterlover says
Thank you thank you thank you! You have so nailed it on the head for me! I am a 69 year old woman who just recently decided to stop playing dead. Last year I started going on dating apps, I’m working on putting my house up for sale and moving to another state, and I’ve already started making new friends. This article just reassures me of everything that I need to continue doing right… Finally, FOR ME!
Keep up the great writing.
Carla says
Thank you for sharing your story. I am 56 and have gone through some very challenging situations in life. Lately, they have left me feeling very defeated. Your response gave me hope and made me think that it’s never too late to make changes. That it’s true…there really is always more. Life is what we make it. Good luck on your journey.
Monique says
Love this ” stop playing dead” I always say I’m sleepwalking but I’m going to stop playing dead. That sums it up.
Che Jackson says
Holding too tightly to the way things were is a message for me and quite a few in my network. I’ve caught myself being the “stay off my lawn” and “the youth of today” grumbler, rather than embracing change and being open to learning new ways and ideas. I’m taking this one to heart at the end of this year!
Garjew says
Brilliant. I loved them all but the point that resonated the most was regarding not putting energy into things you cannot change. As a dedicated employee I live this everyday whereas others do not care about the job like I do. I now know that I have to lower my expectations or I will continue to be emotionally drained. I have to just focus on my own performance and my inner health & wellness.
Susan says
Among the best reads I’ve found online so far this year. Thank you. Several resonated deeply, but #7 is something I’m working on right now.
David Marcus says
This is the most impressive, short yet dense list I think I’ve ever seen on the subject. Thank you for putting this together!
Crystal says
So many of the points you shared felt like you were speaking directly to many of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately. The ideas of ‘You will not always have the support of others so don’t forget to be your own support system on a daily basis’ and ‘forget popularity, do what is important to you with passion and honesty’ really hit home this morning. Appreciate your encouragement and support!
Laura Hoffart says
I’ve been a reader of your blog for quite some time now and decided to purchase one of your books for a friend. The problem was deciding which book! So I ended up buying all 4!
I hope they enjoy your inspirational messages and lessons as much as I have.
Thank you Marc and Angel
Rika Mitchell says
No. 5 “Endlessly settling for the default settings” is so timely for me. I am trying to get out of this vicious cycle right now and am making some progress. It doesn’t happen overnight; I’m patient enough to make small steps to reach what I want to achieve gradually. Sometimes anxiety hits me (I wake up with it here and there) but I try to embrace the “unknown”. Future is so uncertain for all of us; I’m not alone in this journey.
Tiffany Victoria Bradshaw, MBA says
It was a great list I resonated with the concept of trying to control the uncontrollable, and making #1. I also liked the information about forgiving yourself. I liked this list so much that I added it a few of the points to my list of golden rules that I’ve been re-creating from myself lately. I have subscribed and I’m now a follower
Garry Derby says
Very informative and has encouraged me to keep pursuing my interest I have nurture over the past 10+ years. The article has so much to take stock of and there are gems to keep as a guide worth reflecting on. The one in particular is ‘Wanting to control the Uncontrollable’ and has been an Achilles heel for me moving forward. So I have lots to work on and fortunately time is on my side. I have truly thank you for this valuable information and give thanks to the change you have helped me to pursue.
Sonja says
This list IS impressive. I have found not forgiving myself for life changing mistakes I made while young to be the biggest obstacle to a peaceful and productive life. Thank you your newsletter there’s always something that I needed to hear.
Simba says
Thank you for the content, this is the best self awareness article I have read so far this year, will re-read this list every day to help me improve, thank you.
Sush says
Best reads I’ve found online, very detailed and simple. Most of the time they’ll ask for subscription to read the entire article, rarely we get to read a detailed one with no nonsense and to the point.
Natalie says
I feel this article is written in aim to share wisdom. It seems like it is written from experience and not just regurgitated information. We are so bombarded with endless texts of facts and knowledge presently, I’ve actually been put off reading because it can feel like an overload that just sieves through the brain and is easily forgotten.
I loved this article! It felt very relevant, empowering and relatable. It also has the essence of Taoist philosophy which I personally resonate well with.
Each paragraph is very succinct, clear and encouraging, rather than too ‘heady’. It keeps it useful and practical with a highlighted key bit of memorable phrasing. The suggestion at the end is also really clear and makes it easy to give it a go and not skip over it…
Great stuff, thanks for writing it!
Kare B says
Perfectly said…adding this list to my planner as a reminder to myself. 2024 is a year focused on JOY and Grace
Donnita Woodward says
All are a good reminder and several reasons to stay kind, true and trust the inner voice. Actions to continue to educate, inspire others and listen. Freedom comes from action and challenges are always an opportunity for growth. Aging isn’t easy but the lifetime road leads you to make the most of your time. I Learned time waisted is very toxic. At a young age not to put off or procrastinate just leads you to missed opportunities for yourself. Doors open for you when you make the most of each day. Live, Laugh and Learn!
Onshella Vernon says
Life is to be lived, one day at a time. Every day is a new beginning and opportunity to do better, live better, and be better. Thank you
Yeshi says
Thank you. I found number 1 being very helpful as it might help me to control my responses to circumstances instead of wasting my energy in thoughts that don’t change situations at all. We can’t control circumstances however, we can control our responses though it’s very difficult. But I know from experience that lessons that are learnt from challenges are precious for long-term success. In 2024, I will try not to trip in that, persistent, nasty stumbling stone of my past. Bless you both.
Albert says
Proper and absolutely useful reading to have it under the sleeve. 3. Holding tight to the way things once were is the one that high-lighted me most. Thanks for sharing it!
Shiona says
Wow – just wow! Will definitely share this with others.
Ellisa says
I’m glad that this article was in my feed. There are several valuable points. One is not trying to control the uncontrollable. This can be hard for us that are given so much responsibility within their family and occupation. You want to control everything and this causes unnecessary stress. Also, worrying about the success of others is counterintuitive, we have to love ourselves and celebrate our own successes. Thanks!
Lori-Ann says
Your articles always put things back in perspective. Thank you for another wake up call. It’s more like: Thanks, I needed that!
Zivar says
I did enjoy reading your wonderful article. I personally am busy saluting other people’s achievements plus wasting the precious time for watching movies instead of reading all the books I have. I hope by asking the questions you mentioned I can do better. I shared your article with my daughter too.
Sudhakaran K V says
Great article. All vital points put in one place.