The unhappiest people in this world are the people who
care the most about what everyone else thinks.
“What’s wrong with wanting to please others?”
That’s what several people asked me via email in response to one of my recent articles. Today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to try to please everyone, and how to stop yourself from doing so.
Seeking approval from others is perfectly fine up until the point where you are compromising your health and happiness in the process. It becomes a serious problem if you feel as though widespread positive approval from others is the very oxygen you need to breathe. There was a time in my life when I felt exactly this way.
I literally felt like I was short of breath – almost as if I’d die if my peers didn’t approve of me. This is a condition that developed in my mind when I was very young, after kids in grade school teased me for being a “nerd.” I did everything I could to win their approval. And although I grew out of my awkward stage pretty early in my teenage years, the damage was done – I was left feeling insecure. I was conditioned to seek and beg for outside approval at all times.
The big problem was that, as a twenty-something college graduate entering the work force, I felt that anything I did or even thought only had validity if it was the “right thing” to say and think. And by “right thing,” what I really mean is “what other people thought was right.” I was terrified to step outside the box of acceptability – which was especially harmful to my creativity as I tried to nurture my passion for writing and blogging.
Once I realized what I was doing, I read several books, spoke with a coach, and focused diligently on healing this broken part of myself.
The bottom line is that constant approval-seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas and desires. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live.
So how can you stop fearing what everyone thinks of you? Let’s take a look:
1. Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.
When I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough. I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t. Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it. So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.
Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved. How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway. They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.
So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” and “Relationships” chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.”)
2. Know that most people are NOT thinking about you anyway.
Ethel Barrett once said, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Forget what everyone else thinks of you; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway. If you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination. It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion. It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.
3. Accept that someone else’s opinion is NOT your problem.
How many times have you looked at a person and initially misjudged their brilliance? Appearances are deceptive. How you seem to someone and how you actually are rarely congruent. Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle. What someone thinks of you will rarely contain the whole truth, which is fine.
If someone forms an opinion of you based on superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions based on a more objective and rational viewpoint. Leave it to them to worry about – that is, if they even have an opinion at all.
Bottom line: The opinions other people have about you is their problem, not yours. The less you worry about what they think of you, the less complicated your life becomes. (Read The Four Agreements.)
4. Ask yourself, “Does what they think even matter?”
People will think what they want to think. No matter how carefully you choose your words and mannerisms, there’s always a good chance they’ll be misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone. Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? No, it doesn’t.
How others see you is not important. How you see yourself means the world. When you’re making big decisions, remember, what you think of yourself and your life is more important than what people think of you. Stay true to YOU. Never be ashamed of doing what feels right. Decide what you think is right and stick to it.
5. See the benefit in being unique.
If you’re thinking like everyone else, you aren’t thinking. And if you aren’t thinking, you aren’t truly living.
It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to – perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity – especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin. But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside. Why? Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality – the qualities that make them unique. To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves.
We all have quirks and unique perspectives. The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
6. Be fully present and aware of how you DO want to feel.
It’s OK to know how you do not want to feel, but that’s not all you should be thinking about. Imagine someone trying to learn to read by spending all their time focusing on how they do not want to not be able to read. It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?
Enough is enough! Forget what you do not want to feel for a moment. Work out how you DO want to feel right now in the present moment. Train yourself to live right here, right now without regretting how others once made you feel, or fearing the possibility of future judgment.
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on your mom in public, you’d be 100% focused and present. You wouldn’t be thinking about what bystanders thought of your hair, your body type, or the brand of jeans you were wearing. All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness. The intensity of the situation would motivate you to choose not to care about what others might be thinking of you. This proves, quite simply, that thinking about what others are thinking about you is YOUR CHOICE.
7. Speak and live your truth.
Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say. Push your concerns of what others might think aside. Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally. What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all. And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you.
Think about it. Why be fake?
In the end, the truth usually comes out one way or the other, and when that happens, you’re standing alone if you’ve been living a lie. So live your whole truth starting now. If someone gives you a hard time and says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not a bad thing. It just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
Afterthoughts
A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who, perhaps, are incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “the right thing,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.
Do more than just exist. We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what I wanted for myself. So I made changes – I implemented all seven of the points discussed in this article and never looked back. If you are in the same place I once was, seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do, please take this post to heart and start making changes today. Life is too short not to.
Your turn…
How has the fear of what other people think interfered with your life? What has it stopped you from doing? How have you coped? Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Zev
J.J. says
Fantastic post! Thanks for sharing. So many of us need to get into the mindset of “What would I do if I were completely free of judgement?” in order to truly be free, secure and happy. The fear of what others think often stops us from being ourselves.
I cope by concentrating on my core goals and only the opinions of those who matter in my life.
Katie Demory says
Thank you so much for this lovely post. It’s true that we never need to carry more than you can hold; we just need to take it one day at a time. I always put myself under pressure of what others think of me. It has stopped me on many occasions from following my heart. But your words here (and in your book) are pushing me forward in the right direction.
Ragnar says
Knowing that it doesn’t matter is common sense. You know that it doesn’t matter, but still somehow it nudges at your confidence if you give it room to. Teach yourself that it doesn’t matter by, as you say, living and speaking the truth.
Be true to yourself. Do what you want and follow your own path, before even considering how people will regard you for it.
As always, great post. Have a nice good one.
Vincent says
I’m much better than I used to be I still get moments where I revert to the judgment-fearing person I used to be. Usually I go through the routine of reminding myself of #2 and that gets me back to normal after a few minutes. It’s definitely the most powerful realization for me.
Betsy says
#1 and #7 are me – I am working on changing both. I do not need to worry about what others think of me, and yes, I always speak the truth. Old school here and brought up that if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything. I follow that every day.
Every post I read is just awesome, and enjoy the comments from others very much. Thank you all. Very comforting.
Larry Hochman says
Someone said way back when, “other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.” How true that rings…especially for those of us who project ourselves into the business of helping others to heal and grow. We hit their “tender spots” and it’s easy for them to project their pain onto us. Well written and compassionate post. Thanks!
Daniel H. Kim says
#2 and #4 for me is what I always tend to think about when fearing people’s opinions. Most of the time people really don’t think of us as much as we think they do. As much as we don’t want to hear it, we’re not that important. But us being not important might be a good thing when it comes to fear of people’s opinion.
Then again, even when I let myself fear other people’s opinions, I try to manage by using #4. I think to myself, does their opinion really matter? Most of the time I answer no. And if they do matter (probably a loved one), I’m usually comfortable enough to say anything to them anyways.
Great post btw!
JoAnne says
Great post, thank you! I catch myself, quite frequently, worrying about this all the time. The list you provided is going up in a discreet place on my office wall so I can use it to remind myself that most of the time, this is due to my over-active imagination and lack of confidence.
Christy King says
People may get confused because they might think statements like “don’t worry what anyone else thinks” or “don’t try to please other people” are giving us free reign to be a jerks. Perhaps it needs to be said that this assumes that you’re being a decent human being.
There’s a huge difference between caring whether your neighbor gets upset if you park on his lawn and caring whether your neighbor gets upset that you have a pink car.
Nila Sweeney says
This post penetrated my whole being. Having struggled with insecurity for most of my life, I pretended to be someone else just to be likable.
I was afraid of my boss thinking I was lazy, so I brought home my work and spent my weekends working instead of spending quality time with my family.
My fear of being seen as stupid led me to triple and quadruple-check everything before I make a decision.
All these focus on what others think led me to miss out on life. I stopped pursuing the things I love because I was too busy pleasing everyone else. I sacrificed my time just so others will not think ill of me.
The turnaround came when I started to suffer physically. Even though I exercise a lot and do a lot of meditation and yoga, the sheer stress I imposed on my body was too much. I started to get sick more often and I was becoming irritable.
I decided then to get some help, read books and devour blogs like Marc and Angel. I’m slowly making progress. Thank you for these incredibly helpful posts!
Heather D says
When I think about all the things I haven’t done because of fear of what someone else might think, it proves that I have eluded my own identity for quite some time. I feel cheated of all the chances I had to pursue something I believed in because someone (mostly, my father) would have an opinion that it was the wrong thing to do.
On the other hand, I can think of so many situations in which I did something purely driven out of spite for his foul judgments. For example, he told me I wouldn’t get into the grad program I wanted, so I applied and got in just to throw it in his face. When I told him the news, all he said was, “Good job” which in turn, antagonized the overall pursuit. I am done making choices on behalf of the off chance that I might earn approval; because in the end, I need to earn my own stamp of approval or all my efforts would have been wasted.
Matthew Palka says
I’m reading a book right now by Ken Robinson and he talks about how we live in two worlds often. The world of our own minds and what we think of ourselves and the world of others and what they think about us. The quote about knowing how seldom others think of us really stuck with me after reading this. The fear of what other people think halts me in my personal growth and doing what I want and love.
We all have our own story to create and it’s fun when they match up and can be told together. But I really have no place telling someone else what to think or how to live their life story. Someone else’s opinion and what they want is not my problem. I want to please myself most often and think about me. I am the author of my own life, and I remind myself of that each week.
Vishal says
Greetings from India! And a lot of thanks for this post. It looked as if it was written for me only, as I am also planning to start my own blog and as soon as I finished writing the first post, I began to be worried and confused if I had written it too personal and what people would think of it. Now after reading your post, I don’t care anymore.
Thanks a lot again. Keep up the good work!
Stephanie says
This is so timely, thank you. I am about to make a life-altering job decision and I am finding that the only thing that is potentially holding me back from making the jump, is my fear of what people will say; my family, friends, colleagues and community and my current staff. I am so worried about how my leaving will affect THEIR lives. Your article helped me to realize that it is a huge waste of energy trying to make everyone happy. This is something that is out of my control and is not MY responsibility. While I will continue to acknowledge the opinions of others, I will strive to change my thinking patterns so that I do not weigh heavily on the opinions of others to direct my own life.
Jake says
This post speaks to me, it’s been an issue of mine.
I was teased in elementary school/junior high. Like you said, the phase disappears, but the damage was done. I began to form my all actions around others opinions.
I eventually stopped doing things I loved, like piano, because my classmates thought it wasn’t “cool”.
I also didn’t play for my high school hockey team. ALL my friends signed up… I didn’t. Many people questioned why I didn’t join; I was a great player. But I knew that I wasn’t as good as the AAA kids in the same league from my previous school, the ones who teased me in my early years. It prevented me from joining. I let the opinions of others guide my choices… It has been one of the biggest regrets of my life.
The way I coped can be summed up by a Will Smith quote, “Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions” I do what I love now, because I love to do it. #4 and #5 are so true.
Nowadays, you can see me in full scrubs longboarding to my human dissection class, and getting down on my keyboard at home. There is a “benefit in being unique”, it’s called true happiness
Naheed Naim says
Totally agreed with each of your thoughts here Marc. I am experiencing the calmness in my life after focusing on me instead of others. My mother used to say if you’re not taking care of yourself than nobody else does either. It’s important to be your own best friend first, rather than only seeking acceptance from others.
Michelle Russell says
Marc, thanks for this insightful post. I often describe myself as a recovering “overachiever and people-pleaser,” and only in recent years has it finally hit home just how darn *much* my sense of self-worth has relied on the opinion of others. Which is ironic because, as you so eloquently describe here, that mostly consists of my own perception of what I *think* others think of me. 🙂
So I have used your 7 phrases, and some close variants, to gradually “pep talk” myself into new ways of thinking and perceiving…and over time, they really do work!
For example, due to a hearing sensitivity, I need to wear earplugs at my workplace. This can cause a moment of awkwardness when someone comes up and starts talking to me without realizing that I can’t hear until I pop out the plugs, and for a long time that embarrassed me deeply because I thought it looked “weird.” (And let’s face it, to some people it probably does.)
In the beginning I’d over-explain, going on at length about my condition, until I noticed the glazed look in people’s eyes and it finally dawned on me…most of them SIMPLY DIDN’T CARE one way or the other.
It’s taken time, but now I’m a lot more likely to catch myself in the middle of my own embarrassed reaction and say to myself, “Does what they think even matter? As long as I’m pleasant, polite, and doing my job well, they probably couldn’t care less…and even if they do, it’s not my problem anyway.” See? Sort of an amalgamation of some of your points. 🙂
And the more I practice these inner pep talks, the more liberated I feel—finally—from what others may (or equally may not!) be thinking of me.
Julie says
Thanks so much for this article, l too was an eternal people pleaser and feeling as though l never measured up, or was always “less than”. With lots of reading and work on myself l now know l was the one who felt as though l never “measured up” and l have been able to give up trying to be perfect. I now live my life as the person l am, warts and all and guess what? l’m enough!
Anders Hasselstrøm says
Hello Marc and Angel,
Thanks for an insightful post once again. I think most people can relate to the problem of fearing what everyone thinks of us. It is normal as human beings because we have become so aware about ourselves and others.
I have a point I want to make about changing. 1 year ago I went from being a students drinking 5-6 times a week to becoming an Ironman crossing the finish line in August.
People liked me being the student having fun all the time but people respected me even more when I made a conscious decision about chasing a dream. I was surprised about the reaction from my friends but it also tells me that as long as you support your decisions most people will support you as well.
Take care,
Anders Hasselstrøm
Pavan says
Marc & Angel,
Thanks a lot for this post. I am in a situation in my life where I feel like some people are misunderstanding me for being who ever I am. This post really helped me to be clear of my thoughts and feeling so happy. Can’t thank enough you guys.
One take away from this post is “If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are”.
Faadilah says
These posts are so inspiring… They help me in my daily life and struggles. Keep it up!! Well done..:)..
Yupin says
Thank you so much for this post, especially this following sentence: “All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness.” This is exactly what I told myself when taking a walk along the park. I should really concentrate and know what I DO want myself to be like and who I DO want myself to be. I hope that I can really change in this respect!
Jennifer says
Wonderful thought for the Monday Morning Mind Set! In the words of the great scholar Dr. Seuss:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Debbie says
I have encountered people who think that being true to yourself means taking absolutely no consideration for those around them. Courtesy is not straying from your true self and acting courteously and selflessly actually tends to make people feel better about themselves. I think the trick is to (courteously) never change your opinion to suit others. Never be silent on a subject that is near to your heart. Never make yourself miserable over the option of another person no matter how important they are to you.
My soon to be ex apparently spent a lot of time and effort trying to be who he thought I wanted him to be so I would not leave him. All he succeeded in doing was making himself thoroughly miserable. Nothing he did was anything I wanted. His perception of my critical nature existed nowhere but his own head. I am just sad that the real man has probably never been seen. As a result of making himself miserable he started a relationship with a much younger woman with a history of emotional problems. I am very sorry for them both. I see 2 desperately unhappy people chasing the circumstance that will finally allow them to be happy. I just pray they will discover just how much unhappiness they have manufactured.
Sharon says
I have been a people-pleaser and it got me nowhere because you cannot please everyone and some people can never be pleased! I found as a grew older the confidence to just do what felt right for me has increased and reading blogs like this one reinforces my new approach. Trying to please everyone leads to stress which they don’t feel – but you do.
Amandah says
Excellent post!
I used to be a people pleaser, not because I wanted to, but because it’s what I saw as a child. Fast forward to now, and I am not a people pleaser. I also stopped worrying about what others think. “What others think of me is none of my business.” ~Dr. Wayen Dyer.
If someone doesn’t like me, so be it. It’s like what Pastor Joel Osteen says, “Why are you trying to get people who won’t give you the time of day to like you when you have others in your life who do give you the time of day?” Good point.
If you keep worrying about how the people in or out of your life don’t like you, you’ll miss those who are already in your life or who want to come into your life, the ones who, perhaps, can help you to the next level.
Joey says
Very needed article – it’s talking about many people out there I am sure. And we should always remember and accept that we might fail to do so sometimes but we should never give up on trying cause it’s all good.
I cope by reminding myself how assumptions I have made about other people’s opinion have turned out to be only a figment of my imagination, yet I have let it influence me which was a bad choice. Constant reminders are the key.
Let us keep control of our lives and be our own heroes 🙂
Kris says
Insecurities and fears of what others may say or do in reaction to my words or decisions has controlled my life for far too long. Although being a mother has helped – (I try to take advice I delegate out) I still find myself wondering if every time I say no to a request or choose not to change my plans because someone asks me to, if I have ruined my future with them. I was raised to think I must always put myself second, and have done so for so long that people do get angry with me sometimes when I say no, or let them know they are asking a lot of me. I totally believe that people rarely think of me at all- and I love this blog!! I will read it again. Thank you – I think you are awesome Marc and Angel!
Gaylin Laughlin says
Thank you very much for this. It really hits home in a number of ways for me, as many of your articles often do.
Anita says
Terry Cole Whitaker, author of What You Think of Me is None of My Business, resolutely cleared my want to people-please. Her title became my mantra of defense when I begin to “conform” and thereby damage my authenticity.
Kevin Joseph says
“Opinions” – got to love them! Years ago, I decided to stop living my life based on other people’s opinions. The only exception to this rule is when someone who’s already been there in the past shares their opinion – like my coach.
Deboorah says
What if one has to resign a job because of an incompetent boss who tries to hold one responsible for her behavior. Now I am having trouble getting a job because when my previous employer is contacted, which is required on applications, she can say any thing she wants and prevent me from being hired. What others think about you CAN hurt you in certain situations.
Tammy says
Awesome post. I use to care what people thought of me whan I was younger. After I read somewhere or heard someone speak on this vary issue it just clicked for me. Now I think I’m a little too far to the other side LOL. I totally cope by #1 and #2 as daily mantras. Thanks so much for your post and everyday blogs. I look forward to them religiously.
David Rapp says
I like how much of your story is in this post Marc. I am definitely a people pleaser. When I realized how much it held me back and how much I had missed out on, I vowed to turn it around. But that did not work the way I wanted it to.
It took a lot of deep thinking, but I came up with an alternate perspective: I like to make people happy, and I love to encourage people who are in bad way. Since I am still a work in progress, there is still more to do and more to become.
Dale says
I agree with Christy King’s comment.
Glenn McQ says
Just started reading M&A Hack Life through the Zite app. Glad I found you guys.
This particular post nails it: the reason I haven’t been truly happy in my 52 years. It’s my biggest and probably only true barrier to my self-worth and happiness. Still working on rectifying it, and I’ll save this post and re-read it over and over.
Thanks for a terrific and meaningful piece!
Karla McEvoy says
I made some poor career and financial decisions because I gave too much weight to what other people thought and by trying to do what I thought would be most acceptable to those around me. I ended up miserable and in debt. I wish I had this article while I was going through this struggle to get myself back on a happier track. These are great tips! It took me a long time to learn that the life choices I was making to try to please others were not really making the folks any happier. They were often still angry or wanting more from me. These days I find it helpful to set boundaries on how much action I will take based upon the opinion of others. The more I started listening to my own inner voice, the better my life became.
John says
There are some great points here and some I do need to adopt more in everyday life. But I have to fundamentally disagree with points 3 & 4 when it comes to the workplace…
3. Accept that someone else’s opinion is NOT your problem.
Well, yes, it is my problem if they have formed a certain opinion of my abilities and are determining my future on that opinion. If you are judged, compensated and evaluated based on what THEY think instead of what YOU think, then it certainly is a problem for YOU, regardless of the fact that you feel you have done everything you can to convince them you are more valuable to the company.
4. Ask yourself, “Does what they think even matter?”
Really, the same premise here as #3. Yes, it does matter in that case. The text on this point states “How others see you is not important. How you see yourself means the world.” Just not true…if how my superiors see me in the workplace is not the same as how I see myself (and I feel I am very good at what I do), that is a problem.
I don’t want to sound like I am downplaying the great points made here in this post…they are very helpful in many regards. I just don’t think they are completely applicable to business and someone’s position in the workplace.
Catalina Roisum says
Thank you for your wonderful e-mail. This is me all over the place. I too was that kid that people didn’t like or pick because of my thick glasses. I was always the odd one. I’m still going thru that but I will keep your post close to me and read it everyday. Thanks again and for all of your posts.
Kate A. says
Love your posts, Marc and Angel, as they continually support and re-affirm to me things my heart already knows but sometimes forgets in the daily rat race. I am comforted also in the length of posts today. I am so not alone. Love and support to all who fight daily for the right to be who you are.
Abhilash says
I am astonished!
This is Excellent…Thank You!
🙂 I’m a spiritual Billionaire now
Theresa says
Wow, this is so true. I have become free of this problem years ago but occasionally it rears it’s head. My worst time is when dealing with men. Needless to say three failed marriages and many other wrong male choices, I decided I needed to fix this, for myself. Why was I attracting the wrong Mr. Right? I saw the pattern of the type of men that have come into my life and it is the same type – the broken angry ones at life which make me want to help and fix them – you know “the project”.
I finally realized that there was nothing I could do to make happy the situation, that their misery in life was self imposed, and now they had a scapegoat to blamed their misfortunes on – it was now all my fault they are miserable. Until I realized this, I would internalize their pain as my failure. I was so wrong, this had nothing to do with me. Learning to walk away was my greatest gift to myself.
Vicki o says
Interesting ideas with a lot of merit. However I have one major problem with your blanket advice to be yourself and say whatever you want without worrying about other people. In a reasonable society, most people automatically edit their thoughts before speaking in order not to hurt or humiliate others. But there are those who do not care who they hurt as long as they are being ‘authentic.’ For example, my elderly mother is constantly vicious, rude and critical, both to complete strangers and her immediate family. All on the name of speaking her mind. If victims react, they are just being over sensitive. We have given her a pass because of her upbringing and have avoided conflict for years because confrontation only makes things worse. However. we recently decided as a family that age alone does not naturally guarantee respect.
Your advice to speak your mind without worrying about other peoples’ feelings is a little simplistic and is all too often interpreted by sociopaths and narcissists as an excuse to excoriate and manipulate everyone around them.
Aiyana says
This is so true. I remember one of my English teachers, Mrs. Luchansky, telling me that once you stop caring about what others say about you, your life changes forever. I think that’s happening to me right now. I’m getting closer to be an actor on theater or in Hollywood. My mom’s boyfriend’s daughter and her partner and their dogs now are moving to Santa Monica, California. I hope we see them soon. There are three theaters in my town and although I didn’t get one role, I might get another. Thank you for writing these blogs.
AEW says
Hi,
Thanks for writing this!
I often don’t like to write on the internet because of this very thing. I am afraid if I have an opinion that is controversial, many who “look up” to me will be negatively or positively influenced, and I never want to be the cause of anyone’s mess ups. But this post brings to mind, that that type of thinking alone (or too often) may truly be paralyzing. (I do think it’s important to take other’s into consideration, and like someone said in an earlier post, you don’t want what you are saying to be misconstrued as permission to be dis-courteous and just plain kind. But so many of us tend more to err on the side of denying our own thoughts or being so afraid to stand alone that we fool ourselves into imagining that the whole world is thinking this or that. And it brings us no good thing. So thank you for sharing!
Melissa Webster says
Wow Jake. So inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I love the comments on this blog. It’s such a great way to start the week.
I also implemented all seven of these points almost three years ago and never looked back. It took me distancing myself from family and lifelong friends for most of that time, until I was strong enough not to revert back to old habits and insecurities in their presence. It was worth it, and when the time was right and I was ready, which happened only recently, they were right there waiting for me, as if I’d never left. It turns out, they weren’t all that attached to their opinions either. Haha!
The one thing I’d add is that just like their opinion is not your problem, their reaction to your thoughts, feelings and actions are also NOT your responsibility, no matter how much they try to blame you for it. This is assuming you’re just being honest and true to yourself and not actually being a jerk, at least not intentionally. A rational person who cares about you and has your best interests at heart will know the difference. If you find yourself constantly apologizing and feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around someone out of fear of what they’ll think or how they’ll react to your truth for yourself, run, don’t walk, far, far away from that person and never look back. That is the epitome of a toxic relationship.
Jay Two says
This is Awesome!!!!!
Michelle says
Powerful, and insightful post! I have been reading your website posts faithfully for a yr or so, and find such value in them! You both write so well, concise, and right the heart of every topic! I find all your posts relateable, easy to resonate, and therefore apply in daily life! Thank you for sharing your gift of insight! 🙂
Angela says
A great article. I just wanted to share something my mother has always said to me: “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
Gabi says
This is much easier with most people for me than it is with my family. I can choose the friends I have, not my family. It’s not easy to just brush off someone who you have to see every holiday that humiliates you in front of others you have to see on the same basis. My sister baits me into fights when others are around thinking that either I won’t bite because everyone is watching, or I will and embarrass my mom, who cares way too much what others think.