Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and get them out of there.
Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s moodiness can be quite a challenge. It’s important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect yourself from their behavior at times).
But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. It’s this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse and misery. If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.
I’m a firm believer that toxic mood swings (like chain letter emails) should not be inflicted on one person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity?
1. Move on without them.
If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”
When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points…
2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.
If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…
3. Speak up!
Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior. Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.
Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.
Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:
- “I’ve noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?”
- “I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”
- “Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is this what you want?”
Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.
Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want. (Read Toxic People.)
And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…
4. Put your foot down.
Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.
Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.
5. Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.
It’s them, not you. KNOW this.
Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.
Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
6. Practice practical compassion.
Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.
Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “crazy” and can’t help it, right?
One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.”
The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term. (Read Who’s Pulling Your Strings?)
7. Take time for yourself.
If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Again, understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.
You deserve this time away. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.
The floor is yours…
What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you done to cope with their behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Monkeyc
Cat says
So many of these comments ring true with me. Alcoholism (and potential personality disorder or mental issues) has affected my family for most of my life, though the drinking itself was hidden from me and my siblings until very recently, and I am now approaching middle age, with issues I didn’t even know I had.
A recent comment here about a partner hiding ascerbic behaviour and switching it on and off at will is definitely true in my case. Which is how I often grew up thinking it must be me, that I was to blame, and believing that people outside the family must think me a bad person or poor daughter, even though I ‘had’ to outperform at school and college to gain achievement (the Trophy daughter). I was sure everyone thought our lives were perfect which was/is so very far from the truth. Yet my toxic parents still believe they raised us perfectly! The lies continue.
I have only in the past year began to find my real identity and put a stop to the guilt-pushing, manipulation and mind games. I was miserable and lacking in confidence, isolating myself, suffering low self-esteem and unable to stop dwelling on the past, nor make sense of it. I was also unable to identify my own feelings, nor be confident to speak up for myself.
I am keen not to cut away my mother, nor my father (poisoned by years of living with such negativity and criticism) but they are definitely toxic and I am not happy or comfortable being around them. I realise it is my own behaviour and reactions I need to address and I am in the tough process of doing so. I have attended Al-Anon for a few years now, had private counselling, started to surround myself with positive influences and new friends, and have started some new hobbies to find some peace and enjoyment in life outside of this unfortunate upbringing which I know I have let ruin my life so far.
It is a comfort to hear of people in similar circumstances, many finding ways of dealing with this situation. I have yet to learn to love myself but I know I need to find courage to find my own voice first of all.
These sorts of blogs are a lifesaver. Thank you for posting and sharing.
Love, hope and courage to all.
Kristen Thompson-Riley says
Ran across your blog on Reddit. I have to agree 100%. Toxic people don’t necessarily have to be an ex, but sadly in my situation it’s a family member who I tried EVERYTHING under the sun to “make it work” and finally had to cut ties completely for my own good. Thanks for writing. I’m bookmarking your blog.
Kristen
Bee says
Thank you for this timely post and also all the good responses from everyone. I have been involved with an unavailable person for the last 4 years in a mostly distance relationship – everything has always been on his terms, has caused a lot of hurt and has affected my already low self esteem. Last Xmas he dumped me by email as he had found someone else. I reacted very badly to this and became a very toxic person as I tried to hurt him back. I know this was from all the anger I had repressed and a number of other issues that were triggered by his neglect. But I still kept in touch with him (the new relationship did not last) and started seeing him again a few months ago – but only every 6-8 weeks in a neutral location.
I still have anger over what he did but realize I also have an addiction issue when it comes to him and need to accept some responsibility for what happened. I have just spent a week with him and felt it went OK but obviously he did not feel the same. He picks up on every little thing and uses it against me which I find very difficult. I also opened up on some personal issues with him and he also used this against me in the airport departure lounge. This was when I was saying that I was not prepared to hook up every few months unless he committed to making things more workable. From the way he spoke to me I realize I am just being used (even though he denies this) until the next one comes along. maybe he is even getting his own back on me. I was left crying in the departure lounge and on the trip back to where I am based. I have put my hand back into the fire too many times. I am sick of his destructive behavior. The day has come to leave him far behind and to deal with my loneliness more effectively.
Levy says
Cynthia, I am much like you and applaud you for taking a stand. I too have been doing a lot of introspection and seeing several psychologists/psychiatrists, getting medication and brain scans to see why, how and if I can change these patterns of anger, blame and highly opinionated truths that I tend to hold onto so tightly as if I’m a high paid lawyer in a defense case, when I have to poke holes in a story and find my truth. I’m known as a pit-bull and tenacious. I will fight until my last breath and probably die trying to fight for my cause, which now that I’m almost 38, I don’t know what my cause is anymore. I have always been self-sufficient and able to get myself up after countless times if being knocked down. I too would like to believe that prayer, empathy and hope are answers. I keep reading and hoping I read something that will trigger me and help me uncover the truth that lies within. I am trying.
Lynda says
I am 56 years old, and had encountered many “toxic people” in my life. I have recently gone through a ending of a long term relationship, and the betrayal of two people I thought were my friends. It left me depressed, confused and extremely lonely, and it took the love of people in my life to pull me back from the edge. I am embarrassed to admit that I was in such a dark place. But, now I need to begin again. My problem is that I now realize I have never learned to establish boundaries in relationships.
I am a kind, loving, compassionate woman, and so I am an easy target for “toxic people”. How at 56 do I learn to establish boundaries, and enforce them? A part of me wants to never let a man get too close again. But, hiding from life isn’t the real me. I have just begun therapy, and hope that I can learn the tools that I have never learned. I have spent my whole life pleasing people.
Being the good daughter, the good sister, the good wife….and so on. There are times when I hate myself for accepting so little from people to whom I give so much.
I find your articles to be so timely, they arrive just when I seem to need them most. Thank you for the gift you constantly give to your readers.
Mike says
Thanks for this! I have a situation where the person is my attorney! I am joined at the hip with this guy until my case is over. Firing your attorney mid-case is a terrible idea, he has all this paper work that’s essential and he knows it and he is very abusive. He has yelled at me for asking questions more than once, doesn’t answer my questions, take s a week to answer e-mail, if he does at all, he’s insulted me for decisions he disagreed with, diminished my values, made comments about my decisions about finances probably wreaking my marriage and more! He is just a horrible person who I believe would sabotage my case if I left him as my lawyer. He was kind and supportive, until I was in too deep to easily change lawyers. I see how women can get involved with a guy who seems nice and once they live together, have money shared, etc. that the guy turns mean and they are stuck and afraid to leave. I can’t wait to be rid of him. Your article was helpful. Thanks!
Katharine says
My father is a toxic person. I don’t currently live with him, but I’m so afraid of him being upset that I’ve stopped living my life. I don’t know how to get past the fear.
Mel says
This toxic person is my older sister. I have spent thousands of dollars (to foolishly try to buy her happiness, love and approval) as well as decades to try to reach an even ground with her. Alas, just when you think everything is going fine, she’ll pull up a memory of decades ago — something she thought you did or said that hurt her — and the gauntlet has been laid before you to go on the defense. E-mail is her favorite tool to deliver punishment. I finally had to say “enough” last September, and we have not spoken since. I am truly sorry to say — my life has been FAR BETTER without her, and I am indeed much much happier every day. It has included avoiding her at family gatherings (meaning, my wife and I did not go) like TG, Christmas, our own Mother’s Birthday, etc. … but it is the only way I have been able to avoid having her pull me into another verbal altercation.
All of this is sad, yes, but true.
Thena Marie says
I had this boyfriend who turned out to be my son’s father. We were together for 2 years and 8 months. Within that 2 years and 8 months all I ever had was a hope that he would change. He was really a toxic in my life that it happened I lost my friends, unplanned pregnancy, debts, stress and sickness ate up my whole life in that 2 years and 8 months. He made me feel nothing but a gay not a woman, I feel so ugly and worthless. He doesn’t speak to me what he wants but he just show me his toxic actions. I wanted communication for all the pain he’s causing but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t say what’s on my mind he doesn’t care about my opinions and what I feel. Until one day I realized he’s not the only one hurting me… I am hurting myself too. I have the choice of leaving him but I was so hopeful that he would change… so I decided to leave him. I didn’t realize there are so many things on Earth to smile about until I decided to step away from his toxic shadow. I started loving myself and found out how beautiful I am, I found my worth and I feel so free and happy. I didn’t realize I was keeping a toxic waste that’s making me sick each and every moment of the 2 years and 8 months when I was with him hoping he can still be recycled. Now I am a happy single mom with a big smile feeling so beautiful and happy with all the good vibes all the way. 🙂
Serbella says
I spent a year trapped with a toxic person who was my foster sister. I moved in with her because I was about to be evicted from my apartment, and I was terrified about living on the streets. She told me, “You’re family, and we want you to live with us.”
Well, I did. Now I realize that maybe living in a shelter would have been better. The honeymoon lasted two months. I came in paying rent, bringing in food orders (I worked at a food pantry at the time), and doing chores around the house. I feel foolish now, but I actually believed this person was battling terminal breast cancer. Turns out she wanted me to move in because she wanted another source of income, a live-in babysitter (for the little girl and the bi-polar adult daughter in the house), and someone to do chores that the daughter refused to do. That covered just about everything. The daughter sat on her fat butt all day long and watched cable and played Wii games.
I was lied to before I moved in, and lied on after I moved it. My so-called sister threw her imaginary cancer up in my face every chance she got when I objected to being the only one assigned housework after work and on my days off. The adult daughter attended adult day care, and she believed she didn’t need her meds (Zoloft and Abilify). She frequently became violent and verbally abusive. When they first moved into the house the daughter went off her meds, tried to beat up her parents, then called the police when she lost the fight. She’s Hulked out like that at every house they’ve ever lived in, and Diane thought that was okay. She even told the girl, “The next time you feel that way, don’t call the police.” Notice, she never said “You need to take your meds.”
I’m convinced now they thought I was trapped and I’d have to toe the line. I was blamed for everything that went wrong in that household, and what really bothered me was there was no accountability with these people. They blamed everyone else. They did not take responsibility for their actions.
Didn’t take me long to figure out what was really going on. She didn’t have cancer. She also told so many lies she forgot which one she told the last time. Her cancer went from terminal to second stage and back to third stage because she wasn’t able to guilt me anymore, and she always became loud and rageful and totally unreasonable when I tried talked to her. Her own family told me what was really going on with her: she had severe emotional issues and telling people she had cancer was her way of getting admiration, attention and manipulating people into doing what she wanted them to. Even her own family didn’t believe her. When she found out I was moving Diane pulled out all the stops: she had 6 months to live. She was terminal. She was exhausted. She really needed my help. I knew better. I kept right on packing.
The adult daughter continually ran to her mother telling her what she’d overhead during my so-called private phone conversations. She’d stir up trouble and then sit back and watch. She told me once that she didn’t understand why people got mad at her when she acted that way, and she couldn’t be blamed because she was bi-polar. They also held my mail and tried to get my social security number.
The last week I was there Diane told me that her cancer was in remission. How convenient. I told her that. When she became angry and threatened to put my stuff out while I was at work I reminded her that their (rented) house was on the city’s nuisance property list, and that her best bet was to let me move out all at once, and in peace, otherwise every time I came back to get my stuff I’d have the police with me. That meant the city would soon evict her and her family. They’re cracking down on nuisance properties here.
I still paid her rent, but I wasn’t about to give her any more than the agreed upon amount, especially after I found out that her husband gave his long-time girlfriend nearly 850 dollars. Diane expected me to “pitch in” and help financially. I didn’t. She also told me that we have to stick together (that’s a joke!) and that she might have to ask me to babysit for her, if she got really sick, after I moved out.
I moved out, and I didn’t tell her where I was moving to.
Didn’t mean to make this thing as long as War and Peace. Much love and courage to everyone out here who has to deal with toxic people.
Dragonslayer says
The inferiority complex is the mother of the superiority complex (to use a couple of dated terms). I have a friend who is basically good, but brings out the worst in me. I feel en-“toxicated” when around him and a lot better when apart. I hated for our friendship to go south, but we’re both better for it! I can’t fix him and I’m tired of feeling un-fixed around him. Weird, huh?
J says
Hi, this article really resonated with me. This past september I dealt with toxicity from two of my former best friends. I am slowly trying to become aware of the fact that their toxicity is their problem and that the way they treat me, especially one of them, has nothing to do with me. However, I am finding it difficult to do so, considering the insults and indirect namecalling this person has thrown at me. I keep blaming myself for their attitude. How can I let go from their friendship and move on towards healthier relationships with other potential friends? Thanks very much.
Xaphania says
Thank you SOOOO much.
The toxicity was starting to affect me but I am not going to let it happen. I am going to print this out and keep it on me at all times so I don’t forget.
Thank you.
You deserve high praises for putting this on to help people.
Thank you. x Infinity
Shawn says
I let someone toxic into my life last year. I am still recovering from the destruction he caused. I let him. I fully participated. It amazed me how quickly I became as sick as him. It took a lot to recognize what was happening and remove myself from the situation. Sadly, the clean up continues five months later and will probably continue for some time. The only thing that I can do is continue to love myself through the process and wish him well in my prayers. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do…and I’ve had to do some hard things.
Chani says
Thank you for this insightful article and the supportive, enlightening comments, readers.
Today I was insulted and accused of being mentally ill for making a little joke in an email to someone, then this person continued the attack by calling me idiotic and saying that I was not following the serious conversation of getting to know each other…. adding that he would walk out if I said any such ‘idiotic’ things in his presence.
Part of me absorbs this poison instantly and actually tries to relate it to my being, which hurts terribly. I know that it is good to know right away that this is a toxic person, but the fact that it happens burrows into my heart and self-esteem.
I don’t want it to- I don’t even want to be feeling this or trying to decide on the best response, when there is none. I feel very angry that I feel hurt and that there is really nothing to say that would, yes, hurt them as much as they hurt me.
This whole dance of attack and victim that comes with toxicity is so draining.
Lauren says
Thanks for a great article, and so many suggestions and also the honest, down to earth statements. You have really clarified the issues surrounding toxic friends/people. I had a toxic “friend”, who put me down in front of others, flaked out at the last minute, was a “no show’ at times with no apology, and no explanation, and other things also.
I tried to overlook these actions, to forgive her and to go on being her good friend; but eventually I had enough. I finally realized she would never change for the better, and I let her go. she kept trying to reach me , but I had had way more than enough. I guess she needed someone to put down, who knows.
I have felt so much lighter, and happier and so much more self confident since I let her go. What a relief.
Thank you again for such an honest, and very helpful article.
Arr says
My roommate is toxic. A month ago had a huge blowout and that was the end of it for me. I’m done. I want her out of my life and have said so. She’s refusing to leave..in Feb I gave her until June. Nope, she ‘needs’ to stay until Aug. I invited a mediator to be with us to discuss this yesterday. I said I’ll accept postponing the end of her staying with me, but I do not accept her lashing out behavior. She says that’s how she is, emotional; that I am making myself out to be perfect/an angel; that she is not like me – calm and smooth. She asked for examples of the behavior I’m referring to, when I gave a couple of examples, she said I’m digging into the past.
Blablabla.
A few days after the blowout in Feb, she wrote me a letter where she apologized and reflected on her behavior. Thing is, it’s too late. That day in Feb was the end for me. I am done and I don’t trust her apology and reflection….too much has happened and so I even see the letter as a manipulation to push the reset button. It may be a true apology and reflection, but it’s too late. I want her and her emotional outbursts out of my life.
DubZero says
I think that this article was spot on. Based on my personal experience, toxic people are not any fun to be around. Just like the article states, they drain you emotionally as if they are parasites. There was this guy that I went to high school that I used to be friends with, but over the years there were several things that happened that led to the demise of our friendship. This was a guy who had been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and depression, but before any of you make any brash judgements, please read on and consider everything that I have to say. The following is a list of behaviors and incidents that occurred that led to the demise of our friendship:
1. He would always try to contact me mainly through text messages just to dump his emotional problems on me and try to make me his therapist. It felt like he was trying to make it my responsibility to make him feel better and cheer him up. I honestly can’t recall a conversation that I had with him that was not negative or emotionally draining. He would send me a plethora of text messages that said the same thing over and over again such as, “I hate my life”, or “I wish I was never born”. While I did feel bad, this really got on my nerves. One particular text message that he kept sending me over and over again that absolutely pissed me off because of how annoying he was said, “I think you accidentally removed a weed from the garden”. Him doing this made me think that he was just looking for attention. When I actually called him out on it, he claimed that he wasn’t actually looking for attention and that he was just trying to have a conversation with me. I feel that if he wasn’t looking for attention, then why would he send the same text message over and over again? He still texts me to this day, but I don’t really respond to him anymore because I’ve had enough and I can honestly say it feels good to do that.
2. If I resorted to ignoring his text messages, he would try calling me. In the time that I’ve known him, I probably only talked to him on the phone like 3 times maximum. That is how much I dreaded talking to him on the phone because like I said before, it is emotionally draining to be around someone like him. He eventually got the message and gave up on calling me because he knew I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone. Just like with his text messages, it also felt good to ignore his calls.
3. He attended the same university as a childhood friend of mine with whom he struck up a friendship courtesy of me introducing them to each other. That friendship did not last long at all. He eventually developed feelings for her. There were three separate incidents that led to the demise of his friendship with her. One incident involved him verbally abusing her for no apparent reason other than the fact that he did not want to go to an Asian student organization that my friend happened to be a part of all because he was afraid that he would be the only white person there. She stopped talking to him for a while, but eventually forgave him after he apologized for his behavior. The second incident involved him going with her to a college Halloween party to have some fun. While there, she struck up a conversation with two guys who happened to be there. This pissed him off because she wasn’t paying any attention to him. He was acting like a jealous boyfriend when he wasn’t even dating her. He took off his Halloween costume, left her at the party, and went home. She told me that she felt smothered by him and felt like she had to babysit him instead of him letting loose and having fun. After this incident, she started keeping her distance with him and wouldn’t talk to him as much. The third incident involved him going to lunch with her after not having seen her for quite some time. At the end of it, she made a sarcastic/joking comment saying, “See you in three years”. Apparently, he took this comment out of context and told me to tell her that if she really didn’t want to eat with him, then it was messed up of her to invite him in the first place. I asked her about what happened and she told me that everything was fine. I told her what he wanted me to tell her. She got very upset and stopped talking to him altogether and that was the end of the friendship. This was emotionally draining because I often played the role of the messenger and would act a go-between for both of them. This just caused me more drama because he nearly destroyed my friendship with my childhood friend. He made me regret introducing him to her in the first place.
4. He was a liability to hang out with in a group setting because he doesn’t know how to behave. I made the mistake of introducing him to my other friends because of he would always act out and make my other friends feel very uncomfortable not to mention embarrass the hell out of me. One example of this was when he and I went to my other friend’s house and he tried to drink all the alcohol my other friend had at his house which resulted in my other friend having to literally wrestle the alcoholic beverages out of his hands. After this, I eventually stopped inviting him to hang out with other friends because of his behavior.
5. Hanging out with him alone was never a pleasant experience. I would try to engage him in a friendly conversation multiple times and he would just ignore what I said and stare at the ceiling or the wall or the sky. He was just a very awkward and creepy person to be around. This made me question not only how I became friends with him in the first place, but why I became friends with him in the first place.
6. He would try to make me feel guilty and make me feel like I wasn’t doing my job as a friend even though I went out of my way more than once to try to do something nice for him, but he would always manage to find a way to screw everything up. If I refused to give him advice, he would accuse me of not being helpful. But if I actually gave him advice and called him out for not listening to me, he would claim that he was just trying to have a conversation with me and wasn’t actually looking for advice. It was as if I was trapped in an endless “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t” type of friendship with him.
7. He showed up drunk and uninvited to my brother’s house during my brother’s engagement announcement. Prior to him showing up, he had been trying to call me and I had no interest in hanging out with him at all so I just ignored his calls. I had invited a few of my other friends to the engagement announcement but begged them not to tell him about it, but obviously that didn’t stop him from showing up anyway. Him showing up really scared me and my friends and we didn’t feel comfortable being in the same house as him. He even threatened to commit suicide which prompted me to call the police. The police arrested him and took him to a local hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. This was final straw for me.
All in all, this friendship I had with him caused me nothing but misery and drama. Nothing good ever came out of this friendship. As a result of cutting him out of my life, I have been able to form new, better, and healthier friendships with other people which needless to say feels very good. Take it from me, ladies and gentlemen, toxic people will do nothing but cause you misery and drama in your life. Friends are supposed to make you feel good about yourself and make you happy, not cause misery and drama and make you upset. As I eventually learned, it is possible to be a good friend to someone, but not if it’s at the expense of your own emotional well-being and sanity. Just like the garden analogy, you choose which plants to put in your garden just as you choose which people to include in your life, so choose wisely!
Stacy says
I was raised in a family filled with this. I have four siblings and 3 of them continue this behavior. I have at times even behaved this way to people that I love. But mostly I have been on the receiving end. Growing up in this way I have learned so unfortunately to allow others, bosses, partners, friends, and strangers even to treat me this way. I have allowed it telling myself that I need these people- that I depend on them so I must endure their toxic abuse or they will desert me. I am just now at 44 years old learning how to say “no!” And let go of my fear of losing these people in my life. I am realizing that by allowing all of these bully’s I denied myself the space to exist, to breathe, to have a voice, to have value! Compassion is a beautiful, warm emotion and I believe that it comes from a place of wisdom- our hearts! Compassion must begin with ourselves and emanate out to others. I am so thankful that I am now aware that it is possible to love these people just as much but to stand up for ourselves and just say- “NO MORE- this is your baggage-not mine”. “I love you but I love myself and I will no longer allow this in my life!” This realization is incredibly empowering because I realize the choice, the space, the decision is in my own hands! Deep love to YOU ALL- both those who struggle with being hurt by these people and those of you who are hurting self and others! Remember one thing- the more you learn to fill your heart with love and compassion for self and others- the less space in there for the negativity, pain, anger and self absorption. Namaste!
Mary says
I’ve had a situation where I shared something personal with someone whom I hold high esteem for and this person keeps bringing it up at social gatherings in front of others. I love this person very much which makes belittlement even more sad.
I did invite my friend over and asked her if I had upset her in any way for her to bring up such a personal topic. Her response was flippant as if I was making a big deal out of it. I let it go but found that I am in control of the situations I place myself in. I’ve distanced myself and learned a valuable lesson, be very careful with personal information, not everyone who is nice to you is your friend.
Margaret says
I am still working out on how to manage a family member who is toxic toward me. Thank you for the insights! I have learned a few practical ways to deal with her, but I would like a few more, if anyone has suggestions. Here are a couple of methods I use already:
I arrange never to be in the same room alone with this person. This requires the cooperation of my supportive spouse, but it could be any other person close to you who understands what is happening. I’ve found that only under certain conditions is this toxic person willing to treat me in this way, which is part of the sneaky, undermining behavior many toxic people use to try to control. I don’t think this would work for everyone, but for the sneaky types who like to corner a victim before striking, it can be very effective.
Another method is not making eye contact unless necessary, and then only with a tight (not unfriendly, just not open) smile on my face, as if to say, “You can’t get through to me.” And then I stick to unemotional, non-personal topics like the weather if I have to converse at all. However, I have found that the clever toxic person I know will find a way to make almost any topic personal (and negative about me). At that point, it’s time to decide I have a headache and leave the room. This is really difficult, though. I agree it’s better to call toxic people on their behavior, but when I do, this person gets very angry. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy. Walking away is also hard, because I feel angrier. There’s the dilemma of toxic people: no matter what you do, they suck your energy.
I would like to know if others have good ways of keeping this type of person out of your head. This is what I struggle with the most, as I’m a sensitive type and pick up on other people’s nuances very easily. This makes it harder for me to ignore the bad stuff. I have thought about having a physical project to do, such as knitting, so I can avoid interacting more easily. Regular meditation helps me, too, but doesn’t quite calm me enough for this particular person. Any other practical suggestions? I can’t avoid this person without missing out on the rest of my family.
Andrea says
I have read these articles and totally relate to Theresa post in December 2013. I also have a mom that has poisoned my family into thinking i am a bully etc…
After seeing these articles i am relieved that it’s not just me and people all over the world are experiencing the same as me. Now its time to move on with my immediate family which i love and respect immensely.
anna says
I wish I could have known all this years ago! I found myself married to a highly toxic man. I finally left him a few months ago, happily, I might add. I also found that when you become accustomed to being around someone like this, it becomes easier to be around more of the same until you snap out of it. I surrounded myself with people that continued that behavior to a milder degree. My ex and I started talking a little off and on, and he admitted to me that if I hadn’t left, he never would have seen himself for what he was. It will take a long time before I believe the change to be permanent. But I do believe that some people do have the ability to change their attitude and behavior, but it will never happen as long as they think you will tolerate it. Stand up for yourself, often no one else will. If they ruin themselves and die alone, it’s on them. If we allow their behavior to infect us, it’s on us. I now have zero tolerance for toxic relationships, and I am so much happier than I have been my whole life it is amazing. it doesn’t mean you don’t love those people anymore, or that you always have to abandon them. But you can call them on it, and if that has no effect, you can leave the situation or deny them any “reward” for the behavior. Accepting it is their r eward.
Lorianne Catherine says
I stumbled on this article by accident. What a happy accident! I am currently dealing with a harsh relationship. I am 49. As a child, I was in an abusive home. My Aunt took me, my brother and my sister into her home to raise us with her four children. She is dearer than life to me and my best friend as well as my “Mother”. She has always had a strong personality and can say some pretty straightforward things, but she is also generous and loving. She can be stubborn and difficult and the older she gets the harder she is to live with. The generosity and loving spirit are gradually giving way to her bitterness over increasingly trivial things. It’s almost like she searches for things to be unhappy about.
She is active and healthy considering she is 74. She has quarreled with several people, and as a result, refuses to ever speak to them again. In the last few years she has “cut off” both my brother and sister and two of her own children as well as their entire families. My family had a social event last fall and we invited the whole family. Now I’M cut off for inviting my brother, sister and “disgraced” cousins to our event (my daughter’s wedding). She refused to come because THEY were coming and made the whole thing a nightmare with ultimatums and terrible behavior. My husband, my daughter and her husband, and my grown son are cut off as well, because they were at the wedding with THEM. One of her other children got cut off for this, as well as his children. She refused to see me at Christmas. My dearest wish is to reconcile with her, but she will not speak to me on the phone and returns cards and letters unopened. I know it is bad for my mind, body and spirit to allow this negativity into my life right now, but I’m SO GRIEVED that she has chosen to shut me out. It is so hard to close the door on her and her toxic behavior when I love her so much.
antony says
How they treat you is their karma….
How you react is yours.
If your life is not your own, you are owned.
Re-claim ownership……you owe it to yourself.
jo allebach says
I wish I had this info a long time ago when I was “friends” with an extremely toxic person. I did not realize i was putting myself in such a terrible situation until recently and I was able to terminate the relationship.
Better Future says
I have gone through this with my husband with the added complication of him having worked in the family business.
He was fired because of his parents did not want him to have his lawful rights and said some really terrible things that can never be unsaid. They have since tried to make contact through letters and other people but we just aren’t going to fall for the manipulation.
It has been strict no contact for two months now and we took the step of changing phone numbers so that we do not have to interact with such virulently toxic people.
My husband’s health is improving and he is feeling stronger everyday because he now realizes who ruthlessly he has been manipulated for years and knows he can’t ever have contact with them again because they will try to continue with their toxic behaviours including untruths that are now being circulated.
They will be left to their own destructive devices and we can get on with our lives and not waste any more energy on people who have no interest in our welfare.
Gem says
Goodness, this sounds so familiar. I seem to have surrounded myself with toxic people as friends. One was having a difficult time for various reasons to do with their family. But they blamed their depression on me, started self-harming and came close to suicide and later told me this was my fault. I was terrified about what they might do and always tried to find ways of helping them, but they would not accept professional help, and would continue to insult me, manipulate me and use me for my kindness.
Another friend I had known since the age of four and had then been good friends with. The trouble was, their maturity level did not develop with mine. I grew up, and now an adult their parents do everything for them; they cannot even fold clothes. Their interests are completely different to mine, and I really don’t enjoy spending time with them, even when they’re in a good mood. They have been constantly negative for years, as nothing and nobody is good enough for them and they are never happy. This incessant negativity has made them depressed, since few people will put up with their tantrums and whining, all day long. They are also insulting towards me, and I am expected to listen to them moan moan moan and if I dare to breathe I get shouted at and abused and told I’m an awful friend. Yet they will not give me any space and follow me wherever I go. Any hint I drop that I’d prefer to be alone is not picked up upon. Even if I say sternly that I’d like them to leave me alone, they’re still back the next day. I don’t feel as though I can be too harsh because of their depression, but the whining like a child is very wearing for me.
These situations have culminated in me myself contracting mental health problems, as I am made to feel guilty and responsible for their problems, and I have little happiness left in the day for myself.
My third close friend is also toxic. They’re the only one who I can actually have a laugh and enjoy spending time with, but recently I have become more of a convenience to them than a friend – e.g. I’m only useful when they need a favour. When I’m feeling low and want to talk (which isn’t often), I get told to shut up and enjoy life, yet I have helped them through tough times of their own, done them a lot of favours and treated them always with kindness. I really do love this person like a sibling, but recently they have just become so rude and nasty. Worse, they have taken both of the others mentioned above and told me I don’t treat THEM well enough. He almost rewards them when they attack me verbally. I am told I am a heartless b****, that I am worthless, not worth caring about etc. I have never treated any of these three maliciously, and have been incredibly patient and understanding, and put up with most of the malice without getting angry. But seeing as they’re in my classes (in a small school) I really can’t avoid or escape these people completely. Also, the seemingly unfounded comments about me being a nasty person seem to have been told to most of the school.
It seems so unfair that people I’ve tried my best to help and be positive towards have treated me so badly. But unfortunately it looks like I’m stuck with it for the time being. I’m lonely, drained and depressed, and although I’m the only who here who has done something about that and got counseling, I’m not going to get any better until the negative influences go away. I really wish I could find a way to escape this.
puma says
Thanks so much for this article. It will help me deal with a toxic relationship in my life. One that I must endure for at least a couple of more months – unless the person has undergone treatment for cancer. I am her primary care-giver.
I wanted to add one thing in the context of this article and the very sincere responses. Some of us tend to attract toxic people, maybe because our compassion makes us vulnerable. When I saw Gem’s response above, it brought to my mind the related concept of codependency. I encourage people to understand this concept (from the Internet) to recognize some deep-seated traits that we have, and then change them.
Love to all of you trying to achieve a balance between compassion and sanity.
David says
Hello
This was an illuminating article for me – thank you.
It perfectly describes my wife.
I’m extremely worried about the state of our marriage, and our children. This obviously affects my performance in every aspect of my life. Most of the time I don’t think I can continue, and I make resolutions on a weekly basis to move out. I know that by staying I’m hurting myself and our children. But I know that leaving will be just as or even more disruptive.
I just don’t know if I can be strong enough anymore.
Nikita says
I had to move out of state to get away from my toxic siblings, and it was the best thing I ever did. Staying in or allowing toxic people to control your life, that in itself is a toxic way of thinking. Being around these types of pe0ple, you start becoming angry, bitter and resentful. When your gut feeling keeps telling you it’s time to move on, well it’s just that, move on!
Sarah says
This is a wonderful article and brings to mind several situations I’ve dealt with. I have always preferred to phase toxic people out of my life as it is just too time consuming and emotionally exhausting to try to make them realize their faults. I have also realized that I have enabled people by supporting them despite their toxic nature and I actually decided just this month that enough was enough. I have supported a friend through a strange relationship with her ex, a divorced guy that ended up remarrying ( someone other than her) and yet still hangs out with her giving my friend false hope that they will be together. She continues to hang on, even after he has had a baby with his new wife, they continue to go out together on what I would refer to as dates, however she labels it as friendship. I have always been open with her and supportive as I felt she was being open with me, but recently she told me she couldn’t share news about this guy because of confidentiality reasons. This really upset me. Where was the confidentiality when she was divulging things to me in the past? After the baby arrived, I examined the situation and realized that my friend is in total denial and I just don’t want to be a part of that. If things are to remain confidential then there is no point to our relationship as I’m not going to support a friend who keeps me around on a “need to know basis”. I don’t work for the government and I’ve decided that I don’t need to know anything about her life either. She will tolerate no ill words against her ex-divorced-remarried-father of new baby and I’ve decided that I don’t want to be a part of this toxic story. At some point you need to decide that enough is enough and just phase them out.
Jessica says
Honestly, this is the first comment I have probably ever left online, ever. I just want to say Thank you… Reading this made me feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders for years, pertaining to the relationship I have always had with my mother, and now unfortunately seeing signs of toxic moodiness with my first and current, long term boyfriend. I needed this.
john says
This has helped a great deal in understanding these relationships but I still at this moment feel trapped and changed by one. I have known my girlfriend for about 10 yrs but have been a couple for 3. As a friend for years she was amazing and I loved her for many years before acting on it. Despite both feeling as happy as we ever had in our lives the change came shockingly fast when we became a couple. For me even in that amazing honeymoon period it was worryingly obvious that some kind of boundary or barrier (on her part) had been removed by becoming more than friends. In short that’s when all the behaviours this post speaks of came out and its been a living hell since. My love for the person I thought I knew and the now dead hope of change has kept this going but I am fully aware I was in love with (and fooled by) what I call her “public face”. I am at an utter loss as to what to do, I have been telling her its over for a full year becoming more like her in the process as the anger and sheer frustration of having everything you know that is right and true flipped back at you with a healthy dose of guilt.
Before we were a couple I felt as comfortable with myself as I ever have and secure in a place of my own which for me was a happy home. Her relentless pursuit of us living together led me to weaken and give in which in return has led to losing my home and moving a total of 6 times between us in 3 yrs . We have been at current address for a year, the relationship for me has been over all this time and nothing will get her to go. I have this place rented in my name and although she earns a lot more than me she barely contributes to any bills or rent. I have struggled to keep up with costs but have managed no thanks to her. Still she says I should go and leave her the house and this is where I am really seeking advice. Am I right to feel that the bringer of chaos and negativity should be the one to leave? I could end this quickly by moving out but if i am to retain any of my damaged self respect and some sense of stability then i don’t feel i should. The financial aspects i mention are not the most important but they do play a part in why i feel like uprooting my life again surrenders all the boundaries and self belief i badly need.
Apologies for the self indulgent rant, i feel like I’m losing my grasp on reality and even as i write this i am second guessing all the negative ways this could be viewed against me or twisted round. I know it’s her not me i just need some impartial advice and would be so grateful of any.
Jane says
I used to work with someone like this… Every Sunday I would start to lock down and panic about what kind of day I was going to have on Monday based on their mood swings. I lost sleep over it, had incredible anxiety over it, and felt like if I ever tried to sympathize with her it became a competition on who’s life is worse. I am not much of a “sharer” but found myself trying to make her feel better because I literally couldn’t deal with her being down in the dumps. I understand completely that people have their days, me included, but when it begins to affect other peoples lives it becomes way more than the regular amount of stress that most people feel. I wish you wrote this years ago because I would have quit a long time before I did. It took me 3 or 4 years in my industry to gain back the confidence and self-esteem I deserved because this woman made work such a toxic place, I felt unmotivated and completely uninterested in my work!!
Great article. Learning how to read people comes with time, but once you meet someone in the work place that is toxic, it will take over your life. If you are reading this and find yourself in this position…. RUN. The more time you waste trying to fix their problem, the less time you are focusing on bettering yourself and your career.
Maria says
it’s true that you do need to confront them when they are being toxic and their behavior is just plain unacceptable.
Ty says
I came from a toxic home. I used all my money to move out…into a new toxic home. It hit me that you can’t avoid toxic people because they’re everywhere. Sometimes I feel like they’re little bombs waiting for me. My new roommates are toxic and they’d always try to integrate me into their groups. It’s frustrating because I feel as if they wait outside my door, waiting for the opportunity to pressure me into hanging out with them. I don’t get why they don’t just leave me alone; why they’re persistent in trying to be my friend when it’s clear I don’t like them. I wondered if toxic people knew they were toxic – I learned that some do and some don’t. Toxic people are defective, they can’t change… it’s in their nature to be hurtful and they’re doomed. Most of us don’t want to be hurtful or hateful but with toxic people, you have to. The way you deal with such people is to be a bully yourself – it is the truth, hence I call myself a bully of bullies.
Wendy Widget says
I agree, these techniques to handle toxic bullying behaviors in others are really good and I too like the combination of being firmly assertive about stating your boundaries, but with compassion. However, I think these techniques will only work in chosen relationships between those of equal status. Or in situations where you are being disrespected by someone who has less power than you (as you mentioned with the young bipolar patient who was misbehaving.) But if the toxic bully in your life is your parent, your teacher or some other adult, or an older, bigger child, or your boss/supervisor or your client, you’re in a tough situation..
My mother was an emotionally and physically abusive, moody, volatile, unstable, personality-disordered individual, and if I’d ever tried any of those techniques on her it would have gotten me treated even worse, perhaps even beaten, particularly when I was still a dependent minor.
But I think I’m going to print out this article and keep it handy; I think these will work in most situations.
Arundhati says
I have a brother (45 yrs) who I believe is toxic. I (40) live with my husband (42) and daughter (5 yrs). My mother (67 yrs) also lives with me. My mom is paralyzed on one side and needs help in almost everything. My brother does not live with us. He is unable to take care of my mom and also unwilling. Our life has become quite confined into the house for the last 5 yrs taking care of my mom. My brother is mentally ill (but not willing to see a doctor) but able to take care of himself. No one can live with him as he is extremely abusive and controlling. My brother used to visit us once in 2-3 months and calls up everyday- sometimes 3-4 times. Over the phone he tries to control – from what my daughter eats for breakfast to where we should go for vacation – to whom we should not keep in touch with … etc. etc. He does not like my husband at all, whereas my relation with my husband is very healthy. When my brother visits us we tip toe around him trying to avoid an unpleasant situation. We had been giving in to his whims and demands. Behind my husband he abuses me, says extremely harsh things about my husband, belittles all of us. Recently he came and insulted my husband and also said things to my daughter which indirectly belittles my husband. I am scared I will not be able to bring up daughter properly with my brother around.
With my daughter my brother keeps a smiling face and takes her out when he comes. So my daughter thinks he is fun.
I cannot take this abuse and controlling behavior any longer. I am sympathetic that he is not mentally healthy. So I take all kinds of responsibility (Health, well being, finance, property matters) for my mom. I don’t leave anything to be done by my brother. I just want a peaceful atmosphere to live in and a happy family. With my brother round I cannot have that. So I asked him not to visit us. He of course did not like that and abused me on the phone several times. I stopped taking his calls. My mother is still in touch with him as he calls up my mom everyday 2-4 times.
I have one confusion though. I am keeping my daughter away from my brother and my brother keeps sending gifts to her. I cannot tell the 5 yr old little girl that I have asked her uncle not to visit us, because I dont know how to explain her the reasons. She might get disturbed mentally. But my brother calls up and asks for my daughter. My mom keeps telling him lies to avoid contact between my daughter and him.
It has become a game playing sort of a situation now… and makes me extremely anxious and short tempered. I fear it will affect my family.
I need advice on how to cope with this situation, how to be peaceful inside.
Patricia says
Well just went through a rough time the last few months. My friend of 20 years had been putting me down in front of people more and more often. Finally, I had to say something and she replied even more rudely when I nicely confronted her. Long story short, I finally realized that after every time I spent time with her I felt bad. She had been making me the butt of her jokes for a long time and I put up with it because I just figured it was her personality and she was trying to be funny. After speaking to others about it the first thing they said was that she was very jealous of me and had been for years. I always try to see the good in people so I guess that is why I put up with it. I helped her start a new business and did a lot to get her where she is.she couldn’t admit it when asked and even made a joke about me to put me down about my business. That was the last straw! She still tried to friend me on Facebook and I accepted but then blocked her. With the help from my sister who had to remind me what a ungrateful woman she is. Well, that’s my story. I’m glad I finally stood up for myself and cut her out of my life. 🙂
Enlightened says
My husband of ten years has not one, but two, toxic ex wives. His children are 18 and 27. His parents believe that Ex #1 has the Golden Uterus because she bore their first grandchild. She manipulates them and, in return, they will do anything she demands of them–including telling them personal things about myself that are none of her business. We’ve been married ten years and despite my husband’s repeated pleas for them to stop talking to Ex #1, my mother-in-law can’t seem to put the phone down.
I’m ready to walk away from the marriage because I swore I’d never make my husband choose between me and his family.
Steve R. says
Mr. Chernoff,
Great article and thank you, very much, for offering your informed perspective. You managed to summarize and encapsulate the challenges I’m having in my relationship. I have, for quite some time, indulged my spouse’s misbehavior because we have two wonderful children. While I’m not sure I could (or should) absent myself from the situation, I’m going to try your strategies for shutting down the negativity, criticism, thinly-veiled threats, barely concealed insults, and gut-wrenching passive aggressive behavior I’ve experienced for far too long.
Thanks again.
Kristen Thompson-Riley says
I read this a while back and bookmarked it as a reminder for myself. I have a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder. To say this person is “toxic” is an understatement, yet I am guilted until getting pulled back into the web of emotional manipulation time and time again. I have to remember to take care of myself. Thank you for writing this. It’s apparent I am not the only person it’s helped.
Kristen
Barbara says
After losing my career and not being able to find a job, I eventually lost everything. I was threatened that if I didn’t move to my parents home that serious problems would be made for me. My car had been repossessed, so I couldn’t even drive off into the sunset. Living on the streets wasn’t an option either because I would not put my life in danger. When I went to my parents I lost my dog too. She was 15 and loosing her sight and I’d already planned how to care for her as she did. Leaving her behind that day was so deeply painful.
At my parents I was re-abused. Being abused as an adult is harder in some ways because you have intact dignity, self respect…you’ve earned your way. To have your parents defecate on your entire life like you’re a gutter rat, is repulsive. To have them then-all while actively destroying your life and all family relationships – tell everyone that its you who is abusing them, is evil. It is evil. But that’s what mine did to me. And they did it because I was vulnerable with nowhere to turn. Sick vultures. (When you read that toxic people are predatory, believe it).
They called me ugly, lazy, loser, bitch, mentally ill, and violent, among other hateful degrading things. All while telling my siblings that’s what I was doing to them and while being threatened by my father that his deepest wish was to be able to beat me up. And with my mother throwing dishes at me, choking me punching me in the head, slamming doors on me. Both parents also incited my three times imprisoned brother (domestic violence), repeatedly to commit acts of violence against me.
Then there was the morning my father told a Comcast tech at their house, see that lady, that’s my lazy useless 53 year daughter and she claims to have a paralyzed arm but I’ve never seen evidence of it. In 1981 I was run down by a drunk driver. I was brought back to life 4 times and left with hep c and a partially paralyzed arm. My arm looks like a toothpick due to atrophy; children stare at it when wear short sleeves. But why am I defending that when there’s no need. For my father to say that was a level of repulsion I don’t know how to describe. Its got to be real clear though just how sick it was. There’s so much more sickness to tell that its mind boggling.
To Kathy, Jennifer, Cait, Chole, hello. To Brenda, get past your mistaken idea that it is negative to want to reveal the evil things that others do to us. Why should we keep abusers evil crimes against us secret, which is exactly what they want.
This is the first time I’ve said these things to anyone.
Great article. Keep on talking. Its the only way to recover our lives.
Barb
KangaS says
This article really lands with me. I lived with someone who was committed to anger and blaming as a way of life … as I was committed to the idea that “we can work it out,” and staying in the relationship because I made a commitment. Plus, he was a good man, with many fine qualities which led to the initial attraction.
I kept buying into his blaming as a way of “proving” that I was sincere & committed.
When I finally got to the “I’m done” point, he opened up in a more vulnerable way – and when I didn’t change my mind in response to this, he slammed the door shut. Later he sent me an angry letter over 25-pages long, writing out in detail all the ways I had failed to be a good person.
I cried, and then I burned it, relieved to have that chapter behind me.
Growing up with so much toxicity in my childhood, this became my “normal” – yet I knew that my family cared about me, so there was confusion too.
Now I choose to spend my time with people who are a contribution, who practice non-judgment, as do I – even as I am aware of how I feel in the moment and “take no shit.”
It is a practice and I am grateful for the awareness. How great would it be for children to be taught these lessons as part of a communication class, all the way through school, in an age-appropriate manner? Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Tom Jenkins says
Having a toxic mother and a toxic brother that I finally had to cut ties with, I have learned that is wise to look at people as a ROI (return on investment).
What I mean by that is I ask myself what does any person give me in return for my time, my generosity, or my friendship. Do they return favors ? Do they encourage me when I am down ? Do they make me laugh ? If the answer to any of those questions is “no” then the person is not a good return on investment.
Jake says
My entire family on both my maternal and paternal sides are toxic, unfortunately. Well, to be fair, not all of them, but enough of them to control the entire family dynamic.
I just one day had enough and disowned the lot of them. Went my own way.
Unfortunately, I can see how some of their influence still has an effect in my own relationships…so even though I left them behind, they did not leave me.
Being self-aware is really critical to creating and maintaining healthy change in your life, I’ve found. So learning how to recognize patterns you are repeating and then figuring out how to stop them is very helpful.
John Smith says
The truth is, I have fantasized about freeing the world of my toxic wife, but that’s not an option. Last year I suffered an emotional break-down and was diagnosed with burn-out. I was not able to work full-time for half a year. My toxic wife said I have depression and have been like this all my life. Of course, because of the break-down I had to see a therapist. This strengthened my wife’s belief that it is me who is psychologically ill, and not her. She refuses to take any responsibility for what happened to me. After this traumatic time, I was emotionally destroyed and had absolutely no energy left for dealing with my wife. When she would enter a room I was in, I would automatically be quiet and stare at the floor, hoping she would get on with it and go away quickly. This just fueled her anger and she started a new offensive saying that I am playing mind games with her, terrorizing her with body language. Of course she spread the word that her life is so difficult having to live with a depressive partner. She is absolutely convinced that she is the victim and many of her friends believe this and have developed a negative attitude towards me. My friends absolutely avoid any contact with my wife and so mostly keep their distance, leaving me isolated.
In the meantime I have found many useful tips online and found a way of communicating with her which reduces the rage attacks substantially. It is, however, extremely strenuous because you always have to be on your toes. One wrong word and the fireworks go off for weeks on end. Yesterday my therapist discussed this strategy with me and found that I finally have things under control and will survive this ordeal. I discussed the possibility of a separation or even divorce with my therapist, to get some input from a professional point of view. After a year in therapy, describing my situation at home, my therapist had to concede that there is no hope of improvement. She will never change. The one question he asked which helped me make up my mind finally was: “If you did not live together, would you choose to spend time with her voluntarily?”. I had to think for a few seconds and then, imagining being free and then voluntarily spending time with a known terrorist, who is acting the part of a loving girlfriend, gave me the answer: definitely not!
My therapist then gave me some tips on preparing for separation and especially, divorce. It’s not going to be easy but after what I’ve already been thru, I just want to get out of this situation, and no price is too high.
Good luck to all of you good guys out there. You deserve better!
Susanna says
I once attended a call ceremony for a new lawyer. The judge commented on professionalism and civility and he said, when you have to deal with a really toxic person, to follow the ‘pig rules’. The pig rules are: (1) Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll just get dirty and the pig will enjoy it! and (2) Never try to teach a pig to dance. It can’t be done and you’ll just annoy the pig!
I’ve found this very helpful in dealing with toxic people! The only way to do that is to wear them down with civility, but not allow them to ‘get to you’. It can be really hard though.
Bill White says
I too am writing a book on toxic people. This is a good article. This is important work/education.
There is a distinction that I make that has one see if one is difficult or impossible (and not worth any of your time or effort). That distinction is that they never ever admit fault or responsibility. When you meet up with someone who will admit some responsibility, they’re just difficult and not impossible or what I would call truly toxic.
A toxic person will not accept healthy ways of speaking up for yourself. A difficult person will.
To those of you who say you’re one of those toxic people, I appreciate your humility, but beg to differ. My suspicion is that you are getting triggered into childhood wounds and it is having you react from your fight/flight brain. It’s an automatic blind reaction. It can appear you are incorrigible, but if you knew how to navigate your childhood pain, you would be able to free yourself. This is what I help people do. If you see a therapist that doesn’t address childhood, I would find one who does.