This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.
Are you tired of dealing with the same type of headaches and heartaches over and over and over again?
Seriously, it’s time to purge some bad habits as we begin a New Year. It’s time to learn from your mistakes rather than be conquered by them, and let your errors be of commission rather than omission.
Remember, you ultimately become what you repeatedly do. If your habits aren’t helping you, they’re hurting you. Here are 12 common examples of the latter that stole happiness from hundreds of our coaching clients last year:
- Sticking exclusively with what you already know. – When you stop learning you stop living a meaningful life. This is the truth. Life’s richness does not come from always residing within familiar and comfortable territory. It’s when you venture out, away from the familiar, that you grow stronger and more capable. You must hold tightly to your core values while at the same time opening your heart and mind to new ideas, feelings and experiences. Your own perspective will become clearer when you look at things from different angles. Find ways to provide a healthy challenge to your current understanding of life, and you will discover and experience far more of life’s magic in the year ahead.
- Resisting life’s inevitable and necessary changes. – There will always be more tough changes to make. Always! And yes, this growth can be painful. Change can be painful. But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you do not belong. You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago or a week ago. You’re always growing. Experiences don’t stop. That’s life. It takes a great deal of courage to admit that something needs to change, and a lot more courage, still, to accept responsibility for making the change happen. But doing so is worth every bit of effort you can muster.
- Letting others define what’s possible for you and your life. – Some people will kill you over time if you let them; and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, seemingly harmless phrases like, “Be realistic.” When this happens, close your ears and listen to your inner voice instead. Remember that real success in life isn’t what others see, but how you feel inside. It’s living your truth and doing what makes you feel alive. There will come a time when your back is up against the wall and you’ll realize all you can do is say, “I’m sorry, I’m doing things my way this time!” That’s the earth-shattering moment you stop planning for someone else’s expectations and start making progress on what’s truly important to YOU. That’s when you begin to live life according to your own morals and values. And that’s when you can finally be happy and free.
- Focusing on everyone’s story except your own. – Don’t be so satisfied with the success stories of others and how things have gone for them that you forget to write your own. And don’t compare your Chapter 1 to someone else’s Chapter 15. Unfold your own tale and bring it to life. You have everything you need to become what you are capable of becoming. Incredible change happens when you decide to take control. This means consuming less and creating more. It means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking and deciding for you. It means learning to respect and use your own ideas and instincts to write your passage. If you want your life story to soar to new heights this year, you’ve got to clear a path, reduce the time-sinks and burdens weighing you down, and pick up the things that give you wings. Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day.
- Focusing on every little problem. – The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our attitudes, not our circumstances. If you’re stressed out by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your interpretation of it; and this is something you have the power to change at any moment. In other words, frustration and stress come from the way you react, not the way things are. Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress is gone. (Read The How of Happiness.)
- Wanting to be more right than everyone else. – When it’s suddenly more important to win arguments than to love people, we need to start all over again with our priorities. Remember, truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They know that finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously and appreciate the lesson learned. In fact, sometimes we must choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride. When two people who care about each other fight, both are wrong. They have put some kind of superficial outcome over love and compromise. The one who apologizes and makes up first is the one who is right.
- Holding on to someone who continuously and deliberately hurts you. – Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t. Forgiveness is important, but when someone hurts you time and time again, purposely, you have to accept the fact that they don’t care about you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary medicine. Do NOT strive to impress them anymore. Waste not another second of your time trying to prove something to them. Nothing needs to be proven. Do not act with any thought of them for the foreseeable future. Create space for yourself and dedicate your time and energy to rediscovering your happiness and peace of mind.
- Being more loving to others than you are to yourself. – Life gets a lot easier when you are your own best friend. So don’t forget about YOU out there, and don’t be too hard on yourself either. There are plenty of others that will do both of these things for you. There’s absolutely nothing selfish about self-care. If you don’t take good care of yourself then you can’t take good care of anyone else. Because we can’t give what we don’t have. Treat yourself right and you’ll be life-giving to others. And know that there’s a big difference between self-care and…
- Being too self-absorbed. – Generosity is what keeps the things you own from owning you. In other words, generosity isn’t just to help others, it’s also to liberate you. Which is why you cannot live abundantly until you have done something nice for someone who can never repay you. Know this and live graciously. There is no exercise better for your heart and mind than reaching down and lifting people up.
- Expecting everyone else to be as kind and caring as you are. – Bottom line: You will end up very disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you. (Read Loving What Is.)
- Expecting to never lose anything. – It’s incredibly tough to comprehend at times, but there’s a reason for everything. We must know the pain of loss, because if we never knew it, we would have little compassion for others and we would become bigheaded monsters of egoism – creatures of sheer self-interest, never being happy with what we have. The awful pain of loss teaches humility to our prideful kind, has the power to warm-up a cold heart, and make an even better person out of a good one. So remember that no book is just one chapter. No chapter tells the whole story. No hardship defines who you are. Keep turning the pages that need to be turned.
- Letting yesterday’s displeasures defeat you. – Don’t live with disappointment, live beyond it. You cannot stop what has already happened, but you can let it make you stronger and more determined. The journey to emotional maturity requires that you review the events in your life to find the wisdom and purpose they contain. And a time will inevitably come in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your hesitation and frustration you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, “ENOUGH!” This is the turning point that ultimately leads to healing and growth. So as we begin a new year, close the door on your past, open the door to your future, take a deep breath, take a step forward, and start a new chapter in your life.
Afterthoughts
As I’ve mentioned before, if you’re struggling with any of these points, know that you are not alone. Many of us are right there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly, and keep our lives and relationships on track. This is precisely why Angel and I wrote our book, 1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently. It’s filled with short, concise tips on how to do just that. And believe it or not, Angel and I review a lot of our own material on a regular basis too, just to center our minds on these positive principles.
The bottom line is that it’s never too late to take a step in the right direction. It’s never too late to become the person you are capable of being. Things can change if you want them to, at any age. Right now you have the opportunity of a lifetime.
The floor is yours…
What stole a little too much of your happiness last year? What changes are you going to make this year to reclaim your happiness? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Marcus
Anne says
I’m really thankful for everything you share on this blog, and this post is no exception. You have taught me many things and one is to never ever lose the courage to face our problems. Be thankful for the worst life situations because they will help us grow – they will make us stronger. And the most important thing is to have discipline. It is not enough that we dream about things, we also have to work for them.
Currently, I’m still struggling with parts of numbers 11 and 12 though. I often find myself holding tight to the things that once happened to me. But I’m getting better at recognizing this behavior in myself.
Also, Marc and Angel, I found your blog from your book. One of my close friends gave me your book as an early Christmas present. Love it! So I just wanted to let you know what amazing work you two do. I truly enjoy and appreciate what you two write and create together.
Ben Pruett says
I have to say that number 4 is the biggest problem that all humans have – me included. Everyone at some point thinks the grass is greener on the other side – that someone else’s story is better, but they don’t realize that the other lawn is full of holes and dog mess too. We have to clean up our own lawns, and that’s what I plan to do this year. Thanks for sharing these reminders.
Antonio says
Hey, you are amazing! Thank you. I read your blog every time you have something new and I have to say this … Everything is really great and it makes my day. Marc and Angel, you really are the best writers on this subject.
Sandra Pawula says
It seems like relaxing and letting go is the antidote to many of these negative habits. I think fear in general has taken away bits of my happiness, but it’s lessening and lessening as I gain more perspective.
Marie says
7, 8, and 10 are the BIGGEST for me…. However, with #7, it is my family. How does one disassociate themselves from them?
Marc Chernoff says
@Anne and Antonio: Thank you for the kind remarks.
@Ben and Sandra: Agreed!
@Marie: I’m not sure what your particular situation is, but this article may give you some important things to think about: 7 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People
lisa thomson-the great escape says
LOVE this list. #12 is something I’m working on. There’s a few others I recognize too. Thanks for the reminder and it’s nice to know I’m not unique in my challenges. Happy is a good word!
Dee says
I felt my heart and mind open up as I read your article. This is the reason I’ve been following your blog this past year, and gave your book to my sisters, brother and daughters as gifts. Now, it’s not that I haven’t heard or thought of some of these principles you discuss before, but I love the way you word it and I know as an inspired 65-year-old that it’s never too late to readjust your mindset and make something great of your life.
Although, I’ve slipped up on a few of the the points above, I’m looking forward to growing from my mistakes in the year ahead.
Michael Gregory II says
Another great post you have!
I know a major problem I had last year was comparing my life to others. For example, I would see how successful people lived and the great things going on in their life.
In a way, this starts to create a strange jealousy that wouldn’t go away. It was then turn me bitter as I questioned ways to change my life for the better. That was when I discovered that I didn’t have to worry about what was going on in their lives.
Instead, I only started focusing on myself and ways that I could make myself better. And since then, I come to have a sort of peaceful state of mind. I’m more relaxed and I’m aware there might be other people who’s more successful than me. But I’m not living their life or walking their journey. In a way, a person gains a sort of self realization when they stop comparing themselves to others.
melissa says
I found your blog and I’m amazed by this post. I can relate to everything. I’m trying to change many things and this blog post has opened my eyes in many ways. I can’t wait to buy your book.
Ashish says
Thanks for this timely article.
Cindy says
I am dealing with #7 both in my family life and professional life. Sometimes I feel consumed by both. I bought your book last year after reading your posts for a couple of years. I turn to your book often as a reset. Your posts seem to pop up at just the right time. Thank you for your insight and your reminders.
Michael says
Great post!
I went through the toughest breakups of my life a couple of months ago. It’s been exceptionally difficult. However, through your perspectives I continue to open my heart and mind to critical areas of my life that I need to work on. Specifically, giving away all of me and never focussing on my self, my personal happiness. It’s been my number one habit of my entire life.
Thank you for your insight and wisdom. It is very helpful.
Franca Mozzone says
Your articles really inspire me to be a better version of myself. Your advice is giving with such nonjudgmental and loving straightforwardness that it heals wounds in me that cannot be seen. I am so happy I found your blog!!
I really needed to hear this one since today I start my job search. I know it’s going to be so painful and even as I type this I’m dreading the process but your article helps to motivate me.
Love you guys.
Deborah says
This time last year I was an emotional wreck, close to the point of collapse. I was struggling to do the ‘right’ thing, be who I thought I ought to be and putting everyone’s needs before my own. Fortunately I finally listened to the voice inside, accepted some help and read this blog. Halfway through the year I released all the balloons I thought were holding me up in the air and…. I didn’t fall like I’d always thought I would. Instead I continued to gently float but in the direction I wanted, not where the balloons were pulling me. As with a previous comment, I now feel calm and content. Very much cash poorer (I ditched my executive job to work for a charity); but I’m now richer in both time and experience. I can do things I never had space for before and get to talk with a huge range of people. Some have found the key to their life but so many others I see struggling to fit in, to win, to be liked. I read this the other day… The biggest challenge in life is to discover who you are. The second challenge is to like what you find.
Ruth Holewinski says
Oh wow. You came at this from another angle, Marc. The only thing in life that doesn’t change… is that change happens… every day, every moment. My cheese was moved more times in the last two years than ever before. New chapters! I can do this. Love your blogs. Angel’s too.
Jeanette says
Wonderful blog post, thank you!
Congratulations, Deborah, on such a life changing event as to leave your corporate job for charity work.
#12 has been a big one for me this past year, but recently I’ve decided to no longer allow my thoughts to gravitate to those things, many of which I couldn’t control (both of my parents dying and feeling like an inadequate daughter. I’ve lived away from them for years due to work and wasn’t of much help to their needs).
Look forward to gaining more positive perspective this year with your wonderful posts.
Catherine says
Great article, thank you sincerely.
Letting go of a friend that I thought cared for me was huge, however I do believe that it’s not that they may not care whatsoever, there could be many factor’s involved, many factors. For example a elderly friend may not be able to do as much as you may expect, so for me and in my case I just adjusted my sails so to speak, not totally saying goodbye. To me saying goodbye totally( as in forever) is to harsh for my tender heart , so again one can just adjust their sails, we don’t have to weather storms all the time.
Catherine
Elijah says
@Deborah: Those last two sentences are what it’s all about.
The biggest challenge in life is to discover who you are.
The second challenge is to like what you find 🙂
Alexis says
#3,#7,#3,#7,#3,#7
You nailed it.
@Marie: My biggest challenge and lessons have been establishing boundaries with some narcissistic family members. One is my ex-husband, the other my elderly father.
A good therapist, self-love, and wonderful blogs such as http://www.marcandangel.com have changed my life. Every day is different, some harder than others. Good luck…you are not alone.
Debbi says
WOW. I was exploring on bloglovin, and your post popped up. Fantastic. I can’t wait to read more from you.
Debbi
Holly says
I love to use New Year’s Day for reflection. It’s a ritual. This year I wrote about it because I wasn’t sure when I started if resolutions actually help. My conclusion? Yes. They help me focus on what I need to do less of and what I want to do more of. I was closing my psychology practice at the end of 2014 and let me tell you it was excruciatingly difficult emotionally. And I often felt fear rising up. It would have been easier in many ways to stick with what I knew (#1) but I kept going and now I feel like the cage door was opened and I’m soaring. And my last year’s reflections and resolutions helped me get here!
Alexis says
#3 and #7
You nailed it today.
The biggest challenge and lesson in my life is learning to establish boundaries with narcissistic people in my life. My ex-husband and my elderly father. A good therapist, self-love, and reading blogs like Marc and Angel helps. It is not easy, some days harder than others.cBut when you ‘let go of the balloons’ and don’t fall it is AMAZING.
Life is beautiful!!
Kay says
Number 7 is hard for me because it is my 39 year old son. He only allows me to see his kids when he isn’t home, and stopped allowing us to take his kids to our house or on any excursions. He won’t talk about our relationship even though I am open to hearing whatever is bothering him and have a made written apologies for my mistakes as he was growing up. He lets his wife deliver the “rules”, which I either accept or I won’t see my grandchildren (ages 2, 3, 9 and 10) at all.
Sara says
I love your website. I have severe atypical depression, and your blog posts help me think less emotionally and more logically.
Thank you!
Dimakatso says
May God bless you abundantly. Thank you so much for this heart warming, life changing and encouraging words and messages. Please keep those emails flooding into my phone everyday. I’m able to face every single without any fear
Angel says
Number 7 but from now on I’m gonna do me and let go of the storm that doesn’t respect me enough to care.
Diane says
I have lost 22 months of my life grieving over an action by my own child that has gutted my life. I read your blog and your book each day and gather enough strength to keep moving on. You have helped me so much! This year I will do more than survive — I will thrive!
Carol says
For the last two years I have been so unhappy with life. On Christmas day I lost my daughter in law, who died in the arms of her husband suddenly and without warning. Complications from Crohns. My son was devastated, but it didn’t end there. On January 23 of 2013 his youngest son got killed by a train. This was way beyond what anyone could handle, needless to say, he became really in a dark place. On April 14, he shot himself in the heart. To this day, I still cry when I talk about them. I so want to be happy again because I know they are ok and are in a better place, but I am selfish I want to hug them again, and I can’t, so my loss is getting worse. I promised my children I would try to change this New Year, and I really am with the help of all of you and this site. I need to be happy again, none of them would want this for me. My husband passed in 3/5/2010, my younger sister died in her sleep on 1/23/2011, and these losses. I feel I didn’t have time to grieve for my husband, or my sister before all this happened. But I am going to really try. That’s a promise. Thanks for listening and I love the advice from this site. Happy New Year to all. xxx
Monica Nkhoma says
Dear Marc and Angel,
Be blessed abundantly. Thank you for the encouraging messages. Please keep them flooding into my mobile email every week. I read your messages and I find myself rejuvenated.
ebubejude says
Really inspiring article. Happy new year to you.
Mark says
Great points. One of the main things I learned last year was the power of a supportive community. Of course, I knew this already, but experiencing a void where this should be for a long time and then finding myself totally immersed in a wonderfully encouraging and positive environment for one week was an incredibly affirming experiment. The difference in how I felt was mind-blowing and it’s something I will maintain as a big priority from now on.
Raziuddin says
Again, this is one of your most awesome articles. Felt wonderful reading it… please keep it up!!
Noel Rosos says
Wow these points are spot on!
For me it would have to be number 5, focusing on every little problem. Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me that makes me worry about even the smallest detail. Sometimes, I don’t even have to treat something as a problem but I can’t stop myself from worrying. I’ve been trying to overcome this habit and thank you for pointing all of these out. These points will certainly come handy as a guide for people like me.
Keep up the good work!
Catrina says
It beats me how your posts are always so timely, so spot on. Thank you for this wonderful New Year’s gift. It has calmed and comforted me immensely.
@Carol — your story wrung my heart. Sending you a hug to let you know someone cares and wishes you well. Marc and Angel, thank you also for bringing us all together to share and support one another through our responses.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you all for the kind remarks. I’m glad so many of you found value in this post. Cheers to the year ahead! 🙂
Caroline Medhurst says
I am fairly new to Personal Development and in the last 6 months my eyes have been widened to the world at large. This article is inspiring and really resonates with me. I hate to say it but #6 is the one that I have to work on and as soon as I read it I had to show it to my Partner… It all makes sense! Thank you so much.. I am already a changed person from reading this!
Liz says
Hi,
I know those points are spot on. I made a wrog decision with a wrong person last year. I am in a great relationship now but I cannot fully enjoy. These last days, i regret my past relatinship cause as you mentioned he hurted me emotionally but acted time to time as he loved and never let me go until last year after he found sb else all of a sudden. I have OCD so it makes it very very hard not to think about it over and over again. I would love to forgive myself but i am so angry inside and i just don’t know how to. Crying and being unhappy by regreting is what I do now. I wish I could help myself out..
Sudath Piyasena says
Very good practical tips. I will follow and try to heal myself.
thanks.
Soumita says
It is an absolute heart warming and inspiring article. After reading this we can change our attitude of looking towards difficult circumstances and start thinking in a different direction of life’s perspective..
Susan says
This!! 2016!! I HAVE lost almost everything…my self-respect, the death of my spouse, my home, half of my family…but I am finding SO much more in return! My faith in God again…my love of self again…those true friends and family members who liked me when I lived in plenty, but love me most as I live in want! I have learned in the last 23 months, that it is has been during my darkest, hardest times, that I have felt the most peace in my life. That is faith, that is family and friends, and that is learning that I matter…I do have to take care of ME! ????