It’s not about having all the answers – it’s about asking the right questions.
The saying “She who teaches others, teaches herself” is very true, not only because constant repetition helps impress facts indelibly on the mind, but also because the process of teaching itself gives greater insight into the subject taught. Selfishly, this is sometimes the reason Marc and I take on new coaching clients and write new personal development articles, even when our schedules are full. The strategies we teach help us grow too.
One of the strategies we teach over and over again is self-inquiry – which is basically the art of asking ourselves the right questions. Why is this strategy so important? Because the questions we ask ourselves become thoughts. Thoughts then become words. Words become actions. Actions become character. And character changes everything.
Truth be told, when times get tough and big problems arise, as they inevitably will, it is the strength of our character that sees us through.
And since our character is directly influenced by what we say to (and ask of) ourselves on a daily basis, I want you to think about how you’ve been speaking to yourself lately. Have you been using the empowering, encouraging words you would speak to a friend? Or the belittling remarks you would shout to an enemy if you had no heart? Or the negative remarks about life you might utter if you had no faith?
All day long you speak silently to yourself, and a part of you believes every word. Which is why it’s important to stay mindful when problems arise, and meditate on these questions:
- What could you be positive and happy about right now, if you really wanted to? – Your greatest weapon against stress and negativity is your ability to choose one thought over another. Happiness escapes from those who refuse to see the good in what they have. When life gives you every reason to be negative, think positive.
- What’s one problem you’re thankful you don’t have right now? – Smile, not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and thankful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have. (Read Man’s Search for Meaning.)
- What do you need to stop thinking and saying to yourself? – Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything you ARE. We have to learn to be our own best friends, because sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
- What are you holding on to that you need to let go of? – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the past. You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you. Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
- Will you blame others and deny responsibility? Or will you create an action plan to move forward on your own terms? – Imagine how much more effective and happy you’d be if, instead of denying, blaming, dreading and fighting against certain situations and tasks, you simply got them handled.
- How can you respond from a place of clarity and strength, rather than thoughtlessly reacting to this experience? – Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. And remember that our character is often most evident in our highs and lows. Be humble at the mountaintops, be strong in the valleys, and be faithful in between. (Read The Happiness Trap.)
- How can you be of service to this person or situation, and yourself, so that everyone feels buoyed, rather than weighed down? – Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. Thus, the best way to find yourself when times are tough is to lose yourself in the service of a cause greater than yourself.
- Are you placing lots of expectations on yourself or others? Are these expectations serving you or hurting you? – Expectations are like fine pottery – the harder you hold on to them, the more likely they are to crack. Remember this. You will find life a lot easier when you lower your expectations. Let go a little, and appreciate your life and relationships for what they are.
- Who, or what, needs your forgiveness? – Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to healed relationships and situations. Some relationships and situations aren’t meant to be. Forgive anyway, and let what’s meant to be, BE. Go ahead and set yourself free. When you hold resentment toward another entity, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free. (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- What do you now know better for next time? – Don’t let your fear of past events affect the outcome of your future. Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away. There will always be obstacles, but we are confined most often by the walls we build ourselves. What we see depends on how we look at it. Forget what you’ve lost and focus on what you’ve learned.
Afterthoughts
Life is full of uncontrollable circumstances; the only thing we can control is how we choose to respond. When you really take the time to think about it, everything happening around us is neutral and meaningless up until the point that we give it meaning. And the questions we ask ourselves drive the meaning we create.
In any situation, it’s about choosing: Will I allow this to upset me? Will I choose to make this bad or good? Will I choose to stay or walk away? Will I choose to yell or whisper? Will I choose to react or take the time to respond?
Bottom line: The questions we ask ourselves drive our behavior, and our behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference. To a great extent, we create our fate every single day… and most of the ills we suffer from are directly traceable to our own (controllable) behavior.
Your turn…
Which of these questions/points resonated the most with you? What do you do to stay mindful and focused when problems arise in your life? Leave a comment below and share your insights.
Photo by: Sylvia Vale
Frank says
I relate strongly to your afterthought about choice. We all have the choice as to how we think and how we react to the situations life gives us. Question 10 resonates with me most as I’m hesitant to make changes in my life, yet, each time I’ve faced the fear and gone forward; whether it’s a change of career, going back to school, or giving a big speech on behalf of myself and my colleagues during a labor dispute, it’s always worked out and given me a confidence boost. The more I take action in making the changes (and overcoming the fear) the better I feel about it, and the easier it’s been the next time to take action.
Regards,
Frank
Valencia Ray, MD says
Every question and point here resonates with me and I needed to hear it.
I have done the why me, pity party thing. I have also spent far too much time in the past being frustrated, chasing success in all the wrong places, and then blaming everyone else for my actions.
Nowadays, I exercise #5 in full – I take responsibility for every aspect of my life, I review my goals and progress on a regular basis, and I make changes when I must, just like that.
Thank you, yet again. Your posts and emails continue to move me forward.
J.J. says
Like Valencia, every single one of these questions resonates with me in some way. Right now #4 hits home the most. I often hold on too tightly to my insecurities and I really need to LET THEM GO. It’s one of the main reasons I started reading your blog and book. And it’s also why I’m interested in your course, which I will be joining soon. I am getting a better handle on myself and my emotions, but it takes lots of practice on my behalf.
Also, to add to the list, I often ask myself:
Are my actions and efforts adding value to my life and the lives of those I care about the most?
Catty says
The first two really hit home with me. Attitude of gratitude…
I have always said that I am resilient because of the life I have lived. Our experiences are just that… experiences… and they have allowed me the ability to see things from many different perspectives.
BlackDiamond says
Another powerful and insightful post, a great way to add perspective as I purposefully prepare for another week. #5 has been in high rotation for me recently as I have been creating and implementing a massive action plan for my visions, dreams and goals this year. It has been challenging thus far but I’m tackling the tough issues I’ve been avoiding, doing the things that I fear, feeding my faith and challenging and changing my belief system.
The whole process has been an ongoing paradigm shift and although its been uncomfortable the results have really been great with a lot of work still to be done. I thank you both immensely for these mental gems and principles that I’ve been able to add to my journey over the past year.
Kay says
The questions are a great format. They make you go outside of your situation; to think deeply; to believe in an answer. Very nice.
Angelo Limon says
Hi,
Nice Article.
Question 8 resonates the most with me, because I realized that placing lots of expectations on myself or others, doesn’t work for me.
The less I expect from others, the less I get annoyed or mad, because I allow them more freedom to be their selves and not trying to make them someone they are not.
That helps me out. If anyone has problem with that also, try it, works fine!
regards,
Angelo
Christine Rosas says
#5 is huge for me right now. Rigorous self honesty has been a key in my self growth journey.
Before I create an action plan, I make sure I check in with myself. If I feel too much constriction, I sit with it.
This allows me to open up my heart, even just a tad bit, to let in some Light/Love. This way I’m certain my next best step comes from a place of Light and not a reaction out of fear.
Lee says
You can only live your life one day at a time. So, what are you going to do with today?
Emmanuel Worthwhile says
Wonderful article!
Mike says
Thanks for this, it’s just what I needed this Monday morning. I tend toward perfectionism and my inner critic is a nasty bastard sometimes. I’m going to print out your questions and keep them handy.
Mike says
This is just what I needed to read this Monday morning. I tend toward self-focused perfectionism and my inner critic can be a nasty bastard. Your questions are excellent. I’m going to print them and keep them handy. Nicely done.
kathy says
Thank you for another thought provoking set of rules to live by. In my case I feel that I have to ”get out of my own way” and start living the life that I want. I can see it and now have to allow my self to achieve it…even if it means leaving some people behind. The important thing is that I will be chasing the right things for the right reasons! Thank you very much for always making it seem that happiness is possible!!
Judy says
Forgiveness is liberating for your heart and mind. Remember to forgive yourself for bad choices or inappropriate words/behaviors. Apologize sincerely, forgive yourself and make better choices in the future. Forgiveness is a perpetual exercise in letting go and moving forward with a calm heart and mind.
serenity pratt says
THANK YOU SO MUCH! THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED!
I always look forward to your emails. I wish everyone reading this a blessed day.
Pam says
Letting go… I’m carrying guilt that I just can’t let go of for years and I can’t forgive myself
Lindsay says
I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal for 2015 and I’ve noticed a big difference in my positive outlook. Even on the worst possible days, I’ve found things to be thankful for that were positive, including the day my 37 year-old sister died, and the day of her funeral. Even in my darkest moments, it’s even darker for someone else. Even when things seem unbearable, at least I’m still here and have a chance at tomorrow.
Anne Ricci says
Hi Angel, I love your 10 questions. #8 is something I’m constantly working on.
I’ve placed on myself all the expectations (and more) that people have always put on me or that I think they have put on me.
To be honest, these expectations have often served me in the past and are still serving me, so I won’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
But I’ve also noticed that less expectations allow me to enjoy life more and be more present. A fine balance.
KatT says
I wish someone could tell me how to deal with #9 & #4, forgiving and letting go once and for all! Why is it so hard to let go of something or someone when you know it is just hurting yourself & the other person or persons are clueless or don’t even care ? What is it about us that we cling so tightly to past hurts or people that really shouldn’t even be given a second thought ? I am working on this, and I know it isn’t a quick fix but it sure is better than it used to be !
I have been reading your articles for over a year now and they have truly helped me weather a huge storm in my life, so thank you so much! I am so glad I found your blog and have passed it on to many others who are thankful too.
Betsy says
Oh my gosh, all 10 and then some. I am just amazed how these posts pop up right when I need to read them. I do get it, but it seems like forever to actually “get there”. It is such a work in process every day. Every day I struggle. Some days are ok, some are not, and some are just terrible.
I agree with Frank about the afterthoughts and the choice. Every self question has a choice. Some really need to be thought out, it is not always just yes or no. This is also a struggle. My self questions.
I know right from wrong, but I don’t always see what is right for me instead of what is wrong for me. Again, it’s more negative than positive. Another choice. So much to work on. Every day.
Thank you so much.
George says
What a great post, Angel! Thank you!
#5 resonated with me the most. Blaming others is contagious and addictive. Once you start blaming other people for the problem it’s easy to create a snowball effect and always push the blame to others.
Instead of pointing the finger to other people if we just accept what happened and focus on the solution we’ll get through it much quicker and without all the stess!
Inspiring post, Angel!
becky says
I just lost my baby girl. My dad, friend/landlord and dog are all dying; my last job was eliminated in a ‘restructure, my current job is a nightmare, I’m struggling financially and not surprisingly I’m having health issues but can’t afford to see a doctor. This post from you came at just the right time…yet again. I’m definitely grateful for your words of encouragement…
Ruby says
Thank you, great reminders. Your posts are always so invigorating and honest. I love these posts and they help me a lot to move forward in my life. Many thanks!
🙂
Michael Gregory II says
Loved your post and it caused me to think about a few events I went through.
I think what most related to me was number 4. Whenever I think about letting go of a bad characteristic, it’s the desire to want to be perfect. I have a strange concept in my head I have to be intelligent to a certain degree or else I’ll be considered a failure.
I make false assumptions that I have to maintain a certain public image to avoid breaking my world apart. And when events such as failure or disappoint approach me, it’s extremely difficult to accept.
Yolande says
I find it hard to remember to think before I react. It’s exhausting living conscientiously. But it’s worth it in the end.
Steve says
What a wonderful list to think over.
I would add one more: What can I do, right now, to help move me out of whatever mental funk I’m in, and become closer to where I want to be?
An action will help reward and solidify my positive thoughts and prevent me from self criticism of never doing anything.
Suzi says
Many of these things I chose to do after several decades of marriage and my husband’s decision to divorce. I chose that this would not destroy me…it would be another adventure in life. It has been an amazing learning experience! Being an American Red Cross disaster nurse, I chose to go to help as shelter/outreach nurse during the Waldo Canyon fires, about the time my husband was filing. I found that my own loss and hurt filled me with more compassion for those who suffered losses. It turned to be an amazing experience for ME!! Reaching out, embracing hurting people makes my hurts worth something. I’ve been to several national disasters since then and am better equipped, emotionally, to help others. My faith in Jesus carried me through ,and turned these opportunities to reach out and help has become a passion in my heart.
Sabene says
Thank you for this article. Your site is a huge source of inspiration to me and is responsible for a lot of change the way I live my life and my thought processes. I used your questions and practically answered them in my blog: sabenegomes.wordpress.com/2015/03/31/10-questions-that-will-change-the-way-you-think-about-your-problems/
I hope my honesty will serve as some source for inspiration for others to be honest about their struggles and in turn forgiving of themselves.
S x
Leanne says
Wow! I am amazed at this posting. I’m working on quite a few of these STILL . Thank you for these beautiful, thought provoking emails. You are angels amongst us. Will be buying your e-book. God bless you both.
Pete says
Thanks for the amazing post.
Rose Costas says
Thanks Angel for this post. all 10 resonates with me but #9 is the one I think is the hardest for me. It is so easy to forgive others for any mistakes they have made especially to me but I find it very hard or next to impossible to forgive myself for mistakes I have made. I am still living and hanging on to the past because of decisions I have made which at the time seem like the best choice but looking back at it, it might not have been.
I believe I have held myself hostage for years because of those mistakes and for that I can’t seem to get myself unstuck. I need that and will continue to work to release myself by practicing being in the now.
Lorrie Jones, MBSR says
Thank you for such an excellent, thought-provoking article. It speaks to some of the most important qualities to cultivate in one’s life, in a succinct yet impactful way. Feeling inspired, I’ve created the following “list” that I plan to print and keep on my desk as a reminder of the qualities I want to cultivate in my own life:
Gratitude
Choosing happiness
Letting go
Forgiveness
Worthiness
Kindness
Taking responsibility
Being in service
Learning from life
Responding rather than reacting
—Lorrie
abhinav arora says
This is honestly the most helpful self improvement article I have ever read through. It will not change all the circumstances but surely the way I react and my attitude towards life.
Thanks Marc and Angel 🙂
Fiona says
Thank you, l was feeling a bit sorry for myself before l read this and it really made me feel grateful for something l sometimes take for granted which is free healthcare l am so blessed to never have the problem of not being able to afford a doctor as l live in England and we have free healthcare for everyone. My heart went out to Becky after reading about her losing her baby girl and then not being able to afford to see a doctor it made my problems seem so little in comparison to what she is going through l pray she finds the strength to pull through this difficult time.
Brenda merida says
Speaking negativley to myself is a habit I need to break. Someone once told me to look in the mirror as if you were speaking to someone you really care about and tell them how they should feel or handle a situation. The one on expectations that we put on ourselves, once told again: would I expect this from anyone else?
ankit says
I think you summed it up wonderfully.
Thank you.
Respect.
Keep enlightening us with these masterpieces.
Ejike John says
My focus is on point 5. I want to believe that the trade of blame is the characteristic of a mediocre man. Because people like this lack understanding, they find one reason or person to hang their failure on.
Sometimes it is not that they don’t know that they share in the blame, it is just that they look for someone to blame so that they can feel justified and not blame themselves for their failure.
People like this rarely grow because they never learn. But all this can change if they know that it is in accepting responsibility that their eyes are open to where they made mistakes and they can truly learn from the situation and grow.
Angel Chernoff says
To Becky and all who are struggling right now: I feel for you. And I pray for you.
YOU are NOT alone.
Please remember that people and circumstances will occasionally break you down. But if you keep your mind focused, your heart open to love, and continue to put one foot in front of the other, you can recover the pieces, rebuild, and come back much stronger and happier than you ever would have been otherwise. It may be hard to see right now, but this is the truth.
And to everyone else here: Thank you. Your words of wisdom and kindness continue to make our work worth our while. 🙂
Brucelin says
The points in “After thoughts” section, especially the one which says that we don’t have much control on certain events that happen in our life is something that I am understanding these days. I even wrote about this yesterday in my blog lifejottings.org/2015/04/01/to-err-is-human/
But, there are certain things for which we are absolutely in control, and are required to act sensibly e.g choosing a life partner, shifting a job etc. Whatever is not in our control like how somebody else behaves with you, is best handled, when you choose not to worry much about them and resolve within yourself that you are not going to be brought down by them.
Captain Kirk, JW says
Angel…
Thank you for this inspiring – and practical – article.
Because I belong to an international spiritual family, my window seat to the world embraces the landscape of many nations, languages, cultures, and environments. With this global view in mind, I locked on to #2 for the following reason.
Recently, I examined an article centered on developing countries and the countless challenges they experience. For example, tragically, many of the people in these countries are deprived of THREE basic necessities of life…that most of us in the Western lands might take for granted.
Shockingly, more than 3 BILLION human beings on this earth do not have:
1. Clean, Safe Water
2. Healthy Sanitation
3. Adequate Resources for Basic Hygiene.
Considering this disturbing reality, I am truly, fortunate and humbled to have these basic necessities (in abundance), and much more.
Fortunately, global agencies, not-for-profit organizations, national, state, county, local and village communities are united in developing improvements and solutions to this troubling situation. They are making, slow, steady progress, and have a tremendous challenge ahead to implement a universal solution.
I trust that those of us that have these basic life necessities and a better quality of life, will remember those that live in extreme poverty…and yearn for a better, safer, and healthier quality of life.
Mindy Mitchell says
This was so perfect for me today. Happy to have discovered your site and your message.
Mary Kinkead says
I really needed this today….. self reflection using these statements have affected me deeply. Thanks!
Sue Ellen says
Awesome!
You’re always inspiring me…
Did you know that half of my life was influenced by your thoughts and amazing posts over the years?
Thank you.
David Aston says
Brilliant! Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece.