“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
—Helen Keller
This post was inspired by three emails I received this morning, all of which share a similar theme about friendship. Below I have shared a small excerpt from each (with permission). I know you will appreciate them:
- “Kayla, my 12-year-old daughter, speaks fluent sign language because her best friend, Megan, who she grew up with from the time she was an infant, is deaf. Seeing their genuine friendship evolve and grow over the years truly warms my heart.”
- “My younger brother, Greg, spends most of his free time at school hanging out with the football team – he’s actually been working out with the team and everything. Greg has a mild case of autism. About a year ago my mom was ready to pull him out of school and have him homeschooled due to excessive bullying from peers. One of the popular football players, who had stood up for him in the past, heard about this, explained the situation to his teammates and friends, and stood by his side until the bullying stopped. Now, a year later, he’s just ‘one of the guys.’”
- “Yesterday my sister and I were in a pretty bad car accident. Luckily both of us were wearing our seat belts and didn’t have any major injuries. My sister is and always has been Mrs. Popular – she knows everyone. I’m the complete opposite – an introvert who hangs out with the same two girls all the time. My sister immediately posted a comment on Facebook and Instagram about our accident. And while all her friends were commenting, my two friends showed up independently at the scene of the accident before the ambulance arrived.”
Each of these emails made me smile because they reminded me of the power of true friendship. There’s honestly nothing more beautiful and meaningful in this world.
The author of the third email excerpt above ended her email with this line: “I know I don’t have a lot of friends, but I’m sure grateful I have a couple worth fighting for.”
And that’s exactly what I want to reflect on in this post – 10 types of friends worth fighting for…
1. Friends who make time for each other.
There are countless intricacies to every great friendship, but the foundation is always incredibly simple: making time for each other. The key is to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away when the going gets a little tough, don’t be distracted too easily, don’t be too busy or tired, and don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and happiness together. It’s powerful stuff!
So put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face, the old fashioned way.
There are few joys that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary simply by doing them with the right people. You know this! Choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.
2. Friends who are willing to put in the necessary effort.
Healthy, long-term friendships are amazing, but rarely easygoing 24/7. Why? Because they require flexibility and compromise.
Two different people will always have two slightly different perspectives about the same situation. Resisting this truth and seeing the hard times as immediate evidence that something is catastrophically wrong, or that you’re supposed to see eye-to-eye on everything, only aggravates the difficulties. By contrast, finding the willingness to view the challenges as learning opportunities will give you the energy and strength you need to continue to move forward and grow your friendship for decades to come.
3. Friends who believe in each other.
Sometimes we see our worst selves…. our most vulnerable and weak selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust. That’s what true friends are for.
Simply believing in another person, and showing it in words and deeds on a consistent basis, can make a HUGE difference in their life. Several studies of people who grew up in dysfunctional homes but who grew up to be happy and successful show that the one thing they had in common was someone who believed in them. Be this ‘someone’ for those you care about. Support their dreams. Participate with them. Cheer for them. Be nothing but encouraging. Whether they actually follow through with their present dreams, or completely change their minds, is irrelevant; your belief in them is of infinite importance, either way. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
4. Friends who face challenges and weaknesses together.
When we honestly ask ourselves which friends have helped us the most, we often find that it’s those special few who, instead of giving lots of advice, specific solutions, or quick cures, have chosen rather to share in our challenges and touch our wounds with a listening ear and a loving heart.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of pain and mourning, who can tolerate not knowing or having all the answers, not curing and fixing everything in an instant, and instead simply face the reality of our momentary powerlessness with us, that is a friend worth fighting for.
5. Friends who are gentle and compassionate through life’s changes.
Be gentle and compassionate with your friends as they evolve and change. Mother Nature opens millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds. Let this be a reminder not to be forceful with those you care about, but to simply give them enough light and love, and an opportunity to grow naturally.
Ultimately, how far you go in life depends on your willingness to be helpful to the young, respectful to the aged, tender with the hurt, supportive of the striving, and tolerant of those who are weaker or stronger than the majority. Because we wear many hats throughout the course of our lives, at some point in your life you will have been all of these people, and the same is true for your friends.
6. Friends who support each other’s growth.
No human being is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.
Healthy friendships always move in the direction of personal growth: for the relationship as a whole and for each individual in it. A desire to impede the growth of the other for one’s personal comfort is an expression of fear.
When you connect with a true friend, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.
7. Friends who tell the truth.
Subconsciously, many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. Friendships based on lies always die young.
Lying is a cumulative process too. So be careful. What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into a mounting fairytale where the biggest factor preventing you from sharing the truth is the unwanted reputation of being known as a liar.
Don’t do this. Don’t hide behind lies. Deal with the truth, learn the lessons, endure the consequences of reality, and move your friendship forward.
8. Friends who are tolerant of each other’s inevitable mood swings.
Giving your friends the space to save face, and not taking things personally, when they’re occasionally upset, cranky or having a bad day is a priceless gift.
Truth be told, what others say and do is often based entirely on their own self-reflection. When a friend who is angry and upset speaks to you, and you nevertheless remain very present and continue to treat them with kindness and respect, you place yourself in a position of great power. You become a means for the situation to be graciously diffused and healed.
My grandmother once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out; and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing a friend to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when you realize that people behave in such ways because they are in a place of momentary suffering. People react to their own thoughts and feelings and their behavior often has nothing directly to do with you.
9. Friends who work out their issues with each other, not with others.
This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: NEVER post negatively about a friend on social media. Fourteen-year-old school kids post negatively about their friends on social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.
Don’t fall into the trap of getting others on your side either, because healthy friendships only have one side – it’s called mutual respect.
Furthermore, friendships and their intricacies don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your friendship for you. If you’re having an issue with a friend, work it out with THEM and no one else. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
10. Friends who are faithful from a distance.
Sometimes life puts geographic barriers between you and a good friend. But growing apart geographically doesn’t change the fact that for a long time you two grew side by side; your roots will always be tangled. Knowing this, embracing it, and making the best of it… that’s a clear sign of true friendship.
In the end, this ‘true’ kind of friendship is a promise made in the heart – silent, unwritten, unbreakable by distance, and unchangeable by time.
The floor is yours…
In your experience, what helps create a happy, long-lasting friendship? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: Malina Sternberg
Valencia Ray, MD says
Excellent thoughts on what true friendship is all about. Reminds me of all the thoughtful relationship advice (which I’ve shared over the years) that turned me on to your blog/book/emails in the first place. I have had many different views on what makes friendship over the years. My take on this now as a 55 year… here are a few ideas I’d add to the list:
1. Never ask a friend to do or believe in something you don’t or wouldn’t do (expect the same from them)
2. Never consider that you are better than them, better is a word that still requires definition that is agreed by all
3. Don’t sell out your own values or ethics just to remain friends…it’s a sign that you may be too different, that’s ok…just move forward with your life.
4. Your friend in question should look to your feelings the same way you look to theirs…if they don’t, see answer to number 3.
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent insight, Valencia. And thanks for the continued support.
Jeff R. says
Love this post! I agree with these points. And I also I think a great friendship allows room for brutal honesty when it’s needed. Best friends will listen and give their thoughts without sugar-coating everything. You don’t want someone to always agree with you every second. You want someone that can be somewhat objective and offer guidance too.
Marc Chernoff says
I agree. And I’d also say that objectivity at the right time is key.
Sonia says
In my mind, a friend worth fighting for is someone who both loves you and can be trusted – unconditionally. These true friends are genuinely good people who are always there for you when your (really) need them. If you be honest and look really hard you can tell these true friends from the others.
I learned at a young age during tough circumstances what happens when you crave true friendship and get let down hard from people you trusted. I thank God that I I made it through that period of my life, learned from it, and now have been blessed with a loving handful of great people who I share my time with.
Paola says
Friends have a huge value, that’s why we have to take care of them. When I was younger I thought I knew what true friendship meant, but I was so wrong. Now I have 4 close friends (not more), and I can’t be happier.
Thanks to this post I was able to confirm that I have pretty good friends by my side.
Pao
Rachel Ang says
This is so true! Im really blessed to have 2 friends that fulfills all these!! =))) Great post!!!
Rachel x
thehappybits.blogspot.com
jithin says
I don’t have friends, I have family. 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
Love your sentiment.
Yatin Khulbe says
I am really touched by your third story in which you shared the story of two sisters. This small story says it all. Friendship is not about getting more likes on social profiles, or getting a flood of messages on your birthdays. It’s all about the personal connection. True friends understand each other’s emotions without saying anything. It doesn’t matter whether we have more friends or less friends. Quality always rules over quantity.
Thanks Marc for sharing such a wonderful post. Lots of love, buddy.
Marc Chernoff says
You got it! Quality over quantity, always.
Jay says
I learned at young age of the importance of trust. My best friends are the ones I call to share joy, not negative things. I’m am an extrovert by nature, but I know who I can count on and that is worth fighting for a friend. I say this often that it takes a year to fill a bucket of rain and just one second to knock it over and dump it.
That is how you build REAL friends.
Carole says
I am truly grateful for my wonderful friends! Some of them I’ve known since my school days, and we are now in our late 50s – we drifted apart for a while, but when we got back in touch we just carried on where we left off – it was amazing! I was very poorly last year with a breakdown, but my friends were there for me during it and afterwards, and I know their support was vital to my recovery. I’ve been there for them in the past too and when we meet it’s just natural, I don’t have to worry if I haven’t tidied up, or there’s some washing up in the sink, they take me as I am, and I know they’ve come to see me and spend time with me, not to judge.
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for sharing this, Carole. Your friends sound like incredible souls.
Jeff says
Terrific, as always. I’m very lucky to have different friends who have displayed many of those attributes over the years, especially the last couple when my life was crashing around me. So many of them have taught me that compassion can be shown in so many different ways, and that each of us has the capacity to make a difference to someone when they need it most.
Kris says
My grandma used to tell me all the time “I’d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies”. Quality always trumps quantity when it comes to friends! Great post!
Marc Chernoff says
Love that analogy. Thanks for sharing, Kris.
Suzanne says
I sent a great card to a friend recently. It said “Friendship isn’t a big thing; it’s 1,000 little things.” True friends will see you through the big and the little things in life. I’m fortunate to have friends like this-we help each other carry on through thick and thin!
Marc Chernoff says
“1,000 Little Things…” Just like our book. 😉
Love your sentiment, Suzanne.
Teresa Glasgow says
My mother told me once, “if you have one true friend in your life, you are lucky.” And I do have one true friendship that has lasted a lifetime even though 8 hours of highway lies between us. My daughter, however, has struggled all through high school without a friend. She so desperately wants someone that will “call her” and want to go do something with her, someone who can put their cellphone down long enough to have a conversation. I empathize with her because I know how hard it is to make a friend to share life with. I worked with a lady for five years and we walked everyday at lunch, but when I changed jobs, I never heard from her again. Even my husband makes observations that if we don’t initiate an invite, we would never hear from anyone. Used to be that people played games and enjoyed each others company. Now we have video games, cell phones and social media.
Laurie says
My situation is very similar. I have two real friends. I thought I had more but have learned over the past year that people and situations change. I learned to be true to myself and let some toxic friendships go. As a result this lead to my children losing touch with some peers. We are all healthier and better for it, but I am concerned to see my kids sitting in front of glowing screens for hours at a time. They have a few true friends right now. I try to encourage these friendships but still guide them as to what a healthy friendship is.
Marc Chernoff says
Teresa and Laurie, certainly some excellent food for thought. Perhaps I’ll write a piece focused on this aspect of friendship in the future. Thanks for sharing small bits of your stories with us. I couldn’t agree more with your takes on this topic.
Anne Bender says
Your grandmother’s advice in number 8 is beautiful! I’m going to work on that! Thanks for your fabulous and uplifting blog!
Abdulhamid sambo says
True friendship should involve mutual respect, deep sense of commitment, loyalty and fear of the Almighty in whatever dealings that may exist in the relationship.
Stan says
Throughout the years I have been very blessed to have great friends. Not a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are top quality! While reading the list, I realized I naturally share many of these things with the ones I am closest to. I also have friends who are wonderful people, but we are only friends because a common interest brings us together. Outside of that interest, we don’t have anything to keep us closely bound to one another, but that type of friend has a place in my life as well, and I value them also.
defemicrown says
A nice post. Learning/remembering some things about my relationships again.
Molly @ The Move to America says
I am a very sociable person and generally make friends easily, and would describe myself as someone who you can pick up with even when we have not seen each other for a while – but, I have one friend whom I have been best friends with for 30 years. Even though I am now living in the US (I am originally from the UK) we still always make time for each other. We are still as close as we were when we met at primary school and lived in the same Cornish village. She is the one constant that I have had for most of my life – and really she goes beyond friendship and is more family. She was the first person who taught me about relationships and acceptance and has been the longest companion of my life – I love my best friend and cannot wait for her to meet my husband (he is the reason I am in the US).
Great post!
CG says
Too many people use the word “friend” too easily, in my opinion. We all have many acquaintances, but few good friends.
I define an acquaintance as the person you’d yell to when you see a car coming at them, a friend is the person you’d push out of the way at risk of injury to yourself, and a good friend is the person you’d take the hit by the car and die for without thinking twice about it – you consider their welfare as important as your own. While there are other reasons people die for others (firefighters and police routinely put their lives on the line, parents would die for their children, etc.), most of us are not heroes and consider our own lives as more precious than others’.
I am fortunate to have a good friend in my life, who has been my best friend for over 15 years, and I realize how very rare that is!
Dennis says
After reading these posts, I see what I thought was a friendship really wasn’t. When the going got tough, they got going. Sad!
Holden Seguso says
Hello Couple,
Great post, as always. It is a great reminder as i’m currently in a “seeking out genuine friends” period of my life. I’m learning that those who support and encourage you when you open up to the world (in spite of the beating you may receive because of it) are the ones truly worth working for.
My favorite reminder is #3 “Friends Who Believe in one Another.” This is so crucial. My family can be quite dysfunctional which has in some ways hurt my younger siblings (3 year sister). However, I find that when i’m with her and show her how I believe she can accomplish things and face her fears, she develops a strength in her that I don’t usually see otherwise. #3 really struck home and will continue to believe in those, especially those who are suffering and need it the most, so they may one day become strong and independent people.
Thanks again Marc and Angel. Great post and looking forward to more!
Warmly,
Holden Seguso
Sari Cecilia says
Thank you for posting this beautiful story. I was especially touch by the third story of the girls whose friends came right to the accident scene. On a personal note I empathised with #10. As an avid traveller, I am blessed with making friendships around the world. What you said about the ‘entangled roots’ is true, matter how much time or distance passes we always pick up our friendship where we left off, as if we were never apart.
Abiodun Adetona says
Friendship is more than just holding each others hand in the rain , eating together in a restaurant or cracking of jokes. Friendship is more of a heart to heart relationship and loving each other beyond limit.
Ning says
A friend should be someone who needs you as much as you need them. And they’ll make time for each other. This list really sums it all up but I don’t have a friend like that. 🙁
I’m trying to convince myself that it’s because I haven’t met her yet since I’m still quite young but it’s so hard when you want to tell certain stuff to a best friend (and you hadn’t got one)
I thought I had friend like that but she doesn’t show much concern and stuff. And she disappoints me time and again but I wanted this friendship to work so much. Am trying to let go now.
Kimberly Talley says
I thought this was an incredible article about what true friendship is. Unfortunately, I don’t have any real friends. Anyone who I have ever considered to be a friend of mine has always stabbed me in the back. Since then I have learned to stay away and I put a shell on myself to keep myself from making friends. On some days it gets lonely and all I really want is someone there to talk to, but other times I am glad that I don’t have to deal any of the drama anymore. I know I need to learn to trust again but I don’t know where to start.
Mary Kathryn Johnson says
Showing this wonderful post to my 13yo who has not yet found that one true friend, and needs to know the others are not.
Marc Chernoff says
🙂
Jane says
Right now I’m at a stage where I’m learning to trust people and to get close to people. It is difficult for me to keep nurturing a relationship because of the trauma that I have experienced. I long to make the type of friendships that Marc described above and to learn and grow WITH somebody instead of on my own.
Abdul Rauf says
Friends play a vital role in one’s life. I have come across many great friends who share the qualities you are talking about. This post made me even more caring about them. Thanks marcandangel.
Migi Don Paris says
There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.
Nina says
In reading the comments I recognize my self trying to teach my kids about friendship. Being an introvert, and being older, I have thought about these issues for quite a long time. I just want to inject as food for thought that as long as people recognize and know what a true friend is, you can still have people you hang out with, go places with, etc., they don’t have to be your bussom buddies to be social with…I say this because I found myself warning my kids all the time about true and untrue friends and trust, etc. they missed out on some fun during early years. You’re trying to protect them with the knowledge as long as you don’t come across judging each friendship…like I feel I probably did. The sister with 100 friends, the sister with two…whatever floats the boats…
Frank says
She wasn’t my real friend I trusted her but she told every one and it made rumors that weren’t true about me
Don says
Obviously, this is a very late comment, but I am new to the community. I have attempted to maintain a certain friendship for about a year and have periodically questioned whether it was worth the effort. After reading this post, it became obvious that it is not.