It is ultimately only our own thoughts that help us or hurt us. Once our mindset changes, everything on the outside gradually changes along with it.
“There’s a brilliant, beautiful, priceless piece of art in front of you! It’s elaborate and detailed – a painstaking labor of love and devotion! The colors and textures are like no other – they soar and dip, they shine and leap right off the canvas! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the tiny, black housefly that has landed on it. Why would you do such a thing?”
She cracked a half smile and stared at me in silence.
“Look,” I said, “the point is there’s no way to be 100% sure about anything or anyone in this world. Life, like art, is intricate and unpredictable. So you’re left with a choice: either appreciate it and look for the best, or focus on and expect the worst.”
If you expect the worst, you’re never disappointed,” she pointed out.
“Yeah, but who lives like that?” I replied. “No one. People die slowly every day like that, without every truly living.”
That’s the gist of a Skype conversation I had this morning with a new course/coaching student (I’m sharing this with her permission). She literally started the conversation by telling me that expecting negative things to happen is her way of coping with life. If you can relate in any way at all, it’s time to rethink things.
And make no mistake about it, the battle you are going through isn’t fueled by the words or actions of others; it isn’t fueled by what did or didn’t happen in the past; it’s fueled by your mind that gives negativity importance.
Believing in negative thoughts is the single greatest obstruction to happiness and success. Your perspective on life comes from the inner emotional cage you’ve been holding yourself captive in.
Here are some clear signs it’s time to change your mindset:
1. You see nothing but negatives.
If you were determined to get joy out of the present moment, you would learn to focus on the positive. What it takes is not paying attention to negative thoughts – yours or anyone else’s. Disregarding negative thoughts isn’t about burying your head in the sand; it’s the focused act of not allowing negativity to fog your vision and dominate your experience of the present.
This moment is never enhanced or helped in any way by negativity, even though we as human beings are programmed to think our negative thoughts, worries and fears serve some beneficial function. When we deeply examine a negative thought we see that negativity doesn’t serve any benefit. Focusing on negativity doesn’t make anyone a better person, nor does doing so help us make any bit of progress. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite.
2. You are relentlessly resisting the truth.
Watch your self-talk. See if you can catch yourself consciously or subconsciously complaining about your present life situation, what other people have said or done, your past, your surroundings, or even the weather. To complain is always non-acceptance of reality. It invariably carries with it a tremendous amount of negativity and stress.
When you complain, you transform yourself into a victim. When you proactively take positive action, on the other hand, you are in power. So if something is truly bothering you, change your situation by taking action, or consciously let it go – leave the situation or accept it. All else is foolishness.
Remind yourself, again and again if you must, when something cannot be changed you must change your attitude about it. After you have done what you can do, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with ‘what is,’ rather than wishing for and worrying about ‘what is not.’ ‘What is’ is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be. The rest is just you, arguing with life. (Read The Power of Now.)
3. You have a tendency to blame others.
Letting go gives us emotional freedom, and emotional freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in your heart, you still cling to anything – anger, resentment, jealously, etc. – you cannot be free. And doing so doesn’t change the heart of other people – it only changes yours. Know this.
Put down the sword and stop attacking others in your head. The strong person is not the best fighter. Rather, the strong person is the one who controls herself when she is angry, and grows from it.
4. You are passionately worried about everything.
Worrying does nothing but steal your joy and keep you busy doing nothing. It’s like using your imagination to create things you don’t want. You need to stop getting yourself into situations in your head where all your options are potentially bad.
Remember, it’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. There are always two ways to address your present situation. Each way is like a brick, which can be used as a stepping-stone, or which can be picked up in a worried frenzy and used to shatter your window of hope and happiness.
The bottom line is that everything on the outside doesn’t need to be perfect or make sense right now. Stop worrying, focus within, and be mindful. In your mind you can go anywhere you imagine. And where your mind consistently goes, the rest of your life will gradually follow.
5. Your expectations are stressing you out.
Drop the needless expectations. Appreciate ‘what is’ for a moment. It doesn’t matter if your glass is half empty or half full. Just be thankful that you have a glass and that there’s something in it. Choosing to be positive and having an appreciative attitude influences everything you do. The magnitude of your happiness and success will be directly proportional to the magnitude of your thoughts and how you choose to think about things.
Nothing ever works out exactly the way you want it to. Hope for the best, but expect less. Appreciate reality, don’t fight it. Don’t let what you expected to happen blind you from the goodness happening all around. Even if it doesn’t work out at all, it’s still worth it if it made you feel something new, and if it taught you something new.
6. You secretly want a pain free life.
Pain is a pesky part of being human, but it’s vitally important. It strengthens the mind, heart and body. You can’t grow strong, brave, or successful in this world if you’ve only had good things happen to you within the safe boundaries of your own little comfort bubble. You need real life experiences, and nothing ever becomes real until you experience it firsthand.
Honestly, life is very much like a game of chess. To win you have to make a move, even when it’s tough and things before didn’t go exactly as planned. Knowing which move to make comes with insight and knowledge, by learning the unexpected and often painful lessons that are accumulated along the way.
7. You’re never satisfied with what you have.
Our stress and frustration is far greater when we have more than enough but want even more, than when we have almost nothing and want some. In other words, as human beings we are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we endlessly seem to lack but one continuously changing thing.
Details aside, the key is to want less and appreciate more.
A lot of people get so hung up on what they can’t have that they don’t think for a second about whether they really want it. Ask yourself: “Are these things truly better than the things I already have? Or am I just conditioned to be unhappy with what I have?”
In the end, happiness is an attitude of gratitude we act upon daily. We either make the best of the present or the worst of it. We either make ourselves miserable or happier and stronger. The amount of effort is the same.
8. It’s been awhile since you learned something new.
The best remedy for being sad or feeling stuck is learning something new. That’s the only thing that never fails – simply making progress and knowing it.
Your body may grow old and frail, you may lie awake some nights listening to your past regrets, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you overcome by toxic behaviors, or know your respect has been trampled on by unfriendly faces. There is only one thing for healing that works every time – to learn. Learn why the world around you zigs and zags and what fuels it. Learn what excites you and learn more about it. That’s the only positive effort that a battered mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or doubt, and never dream of regretting.
Learning is healing. Just look at all the things there are to learn, and get started.
9. You catch yourself living in the past.
Nostalgia is a good and necessary state of mind sometimes. It’s a way for all of us to find lessons in every life experience, and peace in all which we have accomplished, or even failed to accomplish. At the same time though, if nostalgia precipitates intentions and actions to return to that fabled, rosy-painted past time, particularly in someone who believes her present life to be inadequate, then it’s an empty state of mind, doomed to produce nothing more than frustration and an even greater sense of unhappiness.
Don’t let the past steal your present. Your past has not defined, deterred, or defeated you. It has only strengthened who you are today. Keep this in mind and press onward. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Afterthoughts
An effective mindset is one that makes the best use of available resources – your time, energy and efforts – and uses them to create positive change. It’s not about trying to do everything and be everything; it’s making the very best of what you have while enjoying the process of living.
Your mindset is the underpinning and cornerstone for everything that happens in your life. It’s a collection of all your beliefs, behaviors, feelings, emotions and attitudes.
As you work to adjust your mindset, here’s what you can expect from striking the right balance:
- A sense of firm faith, certainty and purpose
- Consistent drive, focus and commitment to meaningful pursuits
- Clear insight into present obstacles and opportunities
- A feeling of peace and joy from making progress daily
Your turn…
What state of mind have you been in lately? What changes would you like to make to your mindset and why? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Gina Vasquez
JJ says
My biggest mindset shift in the past year is my own negative thinking. I’ve made huge leaps in a positive direction. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about all of the things I had to do…
I have to wake up early for work. I have to make another sales call. I have to work out today. I have to do household chores. I have to make dinner for my family. I have to go to my son’s soccer game.
But with the help of your blog and book, I’ve learned to be more positive and flip my thinking around. I’ve started changing the way I feel about things by changing the words I use in my self-talk. In fact, I have really only switched one word…
I don’t “have” to. I “get” to.
I get to wake up early for work. I get to make sales business call. I get to work out today. I get to do household chores. I get to make dinner for my family. I get to go to my son’s soccer game.
As you mention in your book, you have to remind yourself that the things you do each day are not burdens, they’re opportunities. Too often, the things we view as work are really rewards in disguise.
Mari says
Thank you for allowing me to realize everything in life is a gift from above and should be Cherished since we never know what tomorrow may bring. Thank you ?
Marc Chernoff says
So glad this slight shift in your self-talk has helped you. Honestly, it has helped me too over the years.
Jo says
That is such a great flip! I am going to implement that mantra starting right this moment!!
Megan says
I love JJ’s reply. To me mindset is all about how you look at situations. I found it takes some time to change how you look at any given life event. At first it feels forced – and why not? It is, isn’t it? To force yourself to put a positive spin on something you might not ordinarily appreciate for example. But after awhile, I’ve discovered, it starts to stick and it starts to feel great.
Kevin B. says
Changing my mindset is precisely why I’ve been such a huge fan of your emails/posts. My own issues stem from letting go of someone in my past, and trying to find the right balance between understanding that I need to let go and following the voice in my head constantly screaming “don’t let go.” I’ve adopted a (nearly) daily meditative practice to battle this negative voice in my mind and to help me focus on the present moment — the only moment I have any direct control over. My successes fluctuate from day to day, but even small progress is progress that I appreciate making it. Thank you again for your consistent and helpful advice.
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent perspective, Kevin. Keep celebrating your small daily steps forward.
Gemini says
Thanks for such encouraging words. The mindset I’m struggling with is that there isn’t enough time to do more and do the things raise a family. I’m 34, dating, have a great job, live in a great city, healthy, and live what one might say is a full life. I recognize the privilege in being totally free to come and go as I please. But there’s so many things calling me that I’d like to explore and when I think about getting married and starting a family, I sadly feel like I will loose time and my identity. This may sound horrible but for me, marriage and children seem like dream killers, particularly for women. So many of my girlfriends, while they have companionship and/or families, have been stunted or reduced…This after working so hard for their careers and to build a life that’s fulfilling. Their husbands don’t seem to have lost anything but their wives do. I know everyone has different aspirations and for some marriage and kids are the end goal. I actually want both but I don’t live for it. I live to be happy and try to make those around me happy. Im struggling with how to change my mindset of how marriage and children impacts how much time I have to really live.
Nancy says
Marriage and family aren’t for everyone, and that’s ok. I’ve been married twice, and have three great adult kids that I love, but I never enjoyed marriage, and I have no desire to be married or even in a relationship. I love being able to come and go as I please, spend what I want and eat cereal for supper if I want to. Two of my kids say they don’t want to have kids, and I’m fine with that. I would rather they know that ahead of time than have them and resent or neglect them. Allow yourself to be who you are. If you want to be involved with kids you can be a mentor or a big sister. But above all, be true to yourself.
Paula says
I agree, Nancy! I feel that women especially feel compelled to do the marriage/kids thing, and it’s just not for everyone. I think maybe women feel selfish for looking out for themselves, when the opposite can be true: wanting kids/family/marriage just because you WANT them is selfish. If your career will keep you away from home for 10-12 hours a day, it’s selfish to have kids & have someone else raise them, imho. There are so many other ways to feel connected and motherly, if the urge should strike you at some point in life. It’s the whole panic for women to have their own child “before it’s too late!”, which is a real thing, but you could foster kids, volunteer, adopt a pet. Just be true to you. xoxo
Kym says
Why try to change your mindset? If that is how you feel, there is nothing wrong with choosing to be child free and/or married (or not).
You don’t have to take on societies beliefs and ways of being, i certainly haven’t and i love my life! NO kids ever for me, a gorgeous partner who i travel the world with and work that i love. I choose to live my life on my terms, not someone else’s. Best of luck to live the life that you desire and choose.
Marc Chernoff says
I agree with what Nancy and Paula have said here. Listen to yourself. Follow a path that makes you feel alive — one that excites you today, and gives you hope and excitement about the future. Angel and I recently started a family because we were ready, not because time was running out. Time never runs out for a present mind that’s engaged in living well. Options and opportunities will be there if and when you’re ready to shift gears. 🙂
Yatin Khulbe says
Hi Marc
Right now, I am living my life with a positive mindset. It doesn’t matter whether the route is difficult or not. What matters more is our willpower to face the roughness of the situation with a smile on the face.
I don’t want to change my mindset. I know where I am heading towards. I know my destination. I know about my current situation. I am realizing my past mistakes. And, I am making positive changes for my future. In short, I want to continue this positive mindset. I don’t want to dilute the mood of the moment with any negative thinking.
As you said, we can’t be sure about anything. It is always better to live in the moment. We can’t track the exact future road map. Everything depends on our thinking. If we think in a negative manner, we will frame negative things.
Thanks for sharing this powerful article. Lots of love, buddy 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
No doubt about it, Yatin. Positivity nurtures opportunity.
Alan says
Love your articles – short enough, crisp & to the point.
I resolved a while ago to divide my time into what call my 3M’s: Mindset, Moments and Money – still working on it! (Main focus mindfulness & moments!!).
Look forward to your next article. All the best …
theresa says
Hi
I am tryin to live my life one day at a time trying not to sweat the small stuff.
It was not always this way , I would worry and cry more tried to please everyone .
Love your articles Marc and Angel
Carolyn Greenaway says
I usually agree with everything you say but this time i don’t agree with number 3. Ok, I am now the victim but i felt i had to tell my boyfriend that i have been very hurt as it has been a long time since he has got in contact with me. We haven’t seen each other for 9 weeks because we live in different countries so I think its very important that we do stay in regular contact with each other. .this is why i told him how i was feeling..
Do you think I’ve done wrong then in letting him know how i have been feeling?
Susan says
Dear Carolyn, I had a similar boyfriend once. I was unhappy with the fact that he spent a very little amount of time with me. I couldn’t change him. I couldn’t prove that he should have spent more time with me. So I ended the relationship, and found someone who wanted to spend more time with me. I decided that I didn’t have the right to expect someone else to meet my needs, but I did have a right to have my needs met, so I made the logical choice to move on, without blaming him for being the reason. I viewed it as an incompatibility of our need for connection. It was very hard to do at the time, but well worth it in the long run.
Marc Chernoff says
No you haven’t done wrong. The point here is to not blame him for the rest of your life, thereby forgoing all the possibilities you have to grow beyond the negative circumstances you presently face.
One way or the other, you must learn from the experience and move gradually forward, emotionally, with or without him in your physical life.
The key is realizing you have a choice, right now.
Jeff says
Is it bad that I do about 7 of the 9 things? I guess clinical depression will do that!
The difficulty for me is trying to undo a lifetime of that thinking and to revise and re-imagine my frame of mind. When the negative thoughts are reflex, it means being constantly aware and reminding myself at every turn that there are other ways to look at things beyond worst case scenarios.
That is where I truly appreciate people such as you two (and some others I follow). You help me keep on track with revising those mindsets and remind m there is always a choice.
Marc Chernoff says
It’s not bad at all, Jeff. It’s inspiring to know you’re working diligently on your own personal development. Keep going. Tiny steps.
Miranda says
Also going through depression and recognize a lot in the points you wrote about. it seems very very difficult to get your mind to think positive things. Feels like not being honest with myself. but I am trying to keep it up. negative thoughts are not getting me anywhere.
Your website is a great help, thanks so much!
Rose Costas says
Thanks for your encouragement. My struggle is financial and even though it get’s me down more times than I wish to admit I am working hard to change my situation. To get where I want to takes time but in the mean time I need to be happy that everything else in my life is going exceptionally well. I am working for myself and trying hard to build my business that I love. I am free to go where I want to go. I am very healthy. I have a partner who loves and respect me.
I have a lot to be grateful for but unfortunately I sometimes get trapped in this terrible mindset of worrying about finances. I am a work in progress and will continue to work on being more positive but until then I will remain determined to change how I see my life.
Troy says
I swear these articles come right on time. Right now I’m going through a lot because of past experiences, having a negative mindset , and it’s put me in some dark places. I also find myself stuck in the past a lot. Which isn’t helping only hindering from moving forward. I said a prayer last night, to rid me of all the cloudiness fogging my mind, and make me begin to have a piece of mind. Alcohol was another contributing factor, to my irrational thought process. What I’m saying is it’s easier to ponder upon what you don’t have, what you do have. Who has more than you etc. thoughts are very powerful. I’ve seen mine at work for the good and bad. When you believe, your mind can do some powerful things. With that being said I’m hoping this was part of the boost I needed to get me going. Remember stumbling is not falling
Kate says
Thank you. I haven’t read your blog in a while (like a few years), but I loved to see your update today in my inbox. In part it reminds me of how far I’ve come. There was a time that I read your blog religiously and clung to your great words as a lifeline. Then I did the work and changed my mindset. I am impressed with myself. I really stuck with it and effected dramatic change.
Somehow though the whole thing just slipped out the window. I lost this seemingly solid mindset so easily and have found myself here,
“Your body may grow old and frail, you may lie awake some nights listening to your past regrets, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you overcome by toxic behaviors, or know your respect has been trampled on by unfriendly faces.” All of the above. Thank you
Last night I finally found the time to meditate and I realized what I once knew, then I read this blog post this morning , and you reaffirmed it:
“There is only one thing for healing that works every time – to learn”
Thank you. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Marc Chernoff says
So glad you found value in this post, Kate. Welcome back to the blog. Glad to have you here.
Woodz says
Appreciate today’s post! Very good, very helpful! Thank You!
Emmanuel Worthwhile says
This is a relief, I really love this write up.
David Rapp says
Lately I have been battling a lot of health issues, as has my wife. Its been very frustrating for both of us. Its impacting our work, home-life, our play….and its not going away anytime soon.
So what to do? For me it all came together on Saturday. I could barely walk, the pain was making me a foul person to be around, etc. Finally I just said to myself “Ok, God, you want all this mess I am, you can take it! ” And the voice in my head said “‘Heal.” That stuck with me all day.
At work, I am swamped with 2 huge projects starting 3 days apart. The voice said “Its in my hands. Help is on the way.” And that turned out to be true. I am now much calmer, which is helping me cope with the back surgery recovery.
So whether you have religious beliefs or not, or even if I am saying this to myself, the results are the same.
Marc Chernoff says
Deep breaths and letting go a little always works wonders for me too, David. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this.
Jane says
Lately, I have been in the mindset of pitying others and trying to help them. This comes from years of training as a Christian during the saddest part of my life. I’ve learned to project the tragedy in my life unto others and feel deep compassion and sympathy for what they go through, and do ANYTHING I can to help. I realize that this is not a mindset that I want to possess. It tends to weigh me down, encouraging me to surround myself with self-pitying, negative people because they “need me”.
I am learning to put myself FIRST so that I can be the happiest version of myself. I realize that the greatest gift I can give to the world is this.
Gaurav says
I just love your blog. I wait for your articles the way plants await spring.
Thnx
Christi says
This is the single best post you have ever written. Thank you.
Sharon says
I’m glad I took the time to read this today. So many of these fit the mindset that I have right now. I never used to be this way until after I had breast cancer and I couldn’t return to my job as a nurse. This has been a real wake up call for me. I can’t go back to the time before I had cancer but I can make changes to see a better future. I just may have to get rid of some people in my life right now that I feel are holding me back from what I truly want to do in my life that I’ve always dreamed of and I now have the opportunity to do.
Gracia says
I read this post when I was in my bad day. I realized that I’ve been thinking about everything negatively these weeks. Especially when some people around me telling me that I’ve gain some kilos to my weight. I don’t angry to them. But those comments from people around me make me hate myself even more. Nothing positive in my mind about myself.
After I read this post, I realized that I have to stop myself thinking negatively about myself so that I will be able to see what’s positive things I have in me.
Thank you!
Clay Ryan says
Marc & Angel,
The belief system which we hold gives us our most important ally or becomes a difficult opponent to overcome.
These 9 ways we make our lives difficult can be modified with simple, daily habit to train your brain, train your mind to think differently.
I am enjoying your site and newsletters.
Thanks for being a positive influence which I look forward to sharing on my own site with the goal of changing mindsets in just 1 more person each day.
Thanks.! Clay
Julia says
Thank you for another very helpful piece.
Choosing a positive mindset over the default negative is something I have been trying to do more and more. I came from a beginning where I told myself, ‘expect the worse, then you can’t be disappointed’. Plus a fundamental fear of work, constantly battling with a need for perfection. Depression was my escape route through most of my twenties then a bi-polar diagnosis 6 years ago kind of made me understand perhaps why I’d found parts of my life so challenging.
At 38 I feel like I’m learning day by day how to move forward and be proud of who I am. I can still be so hard on myself, wondering why I’ve been incapable of earning a high salary.
I still keep searching for my place in the world and often look at others and wonder why I’m not like them. However I know now that I can move forward and make little changes, focussing on the positive voice and trying to be brave and face scary situations. Thanks again. Julia
Holli says
Thanks for this post! Most people incorrectly believe that motivation is all that’s needed to achieve personal goals. It’s more about having a growth mindset.
Jo says
I am so glad to have subscribed to your blog. Your articles are very thought provoking and bring to perspective all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. This article is spot on with the way my mind has been working lately. I am always blaming somebody or finding negativity in my everyday life. I have become a super negative person and reading this article made me realize how wrong I have been. After reading through your articles, I am now determined to bring about a change in my thought process. So, THANK YOU! And keep up the great work you two are doing 🙂
Jan Rilatt says
Having changed my perspective on worrying and a more positive attitude over the years, I love to teach this to others through workshops etc. e.g. a friend had a bad accident and although his car was written off he realised that he was o.k which was more important (he told me that he asked himself – ‘what would Jan say?’
I love the bit in the article about not thinking whether the glass is half full or empty but being grateful there’s something in it! Great one.
Azaria says
Have several points fit my mindset but it’s relieving to read.
Since I got this autoimmune condition I tend to be this conflict-averse person and i realized now that it doesn’t bring me anywhere better. I couldn’t agree more on: “The best remedy for being sad or feeling stuck is learning something new”. Hope I can get better soon (not only) health-wise and be more productive tho I have limitation. *finger crossed*
Thank you for this beautiful post!
Sinthia says
Thank you so much for sharing these inspiring thoughts! I have been always a sad and negative person, always wasting time thinking about things I don’t have instead of enjoy what I already have, but I’m tired of feeling this way, I want to be happy now, I don’t want to procrastinate my life anymore.