A peaceful person is not a person who’s always in a good situation, but rather a person who always has a good attitude in every situation.
To a great extent, we create our fate every single day, and most of the ills we suffer from are directly traceable to our own (controllable) attitude. Life is packed full of uncontrollable events; in many situations the only thing we can control is the attitude we choose to respond with.
When you really take the time to think about it, everything happening around us is neutral and meaningless up until the point that we give it meaning. And the questions we ask ourselves drive the meaning we create and the attitude we have about everything.
Regardless of what you’re going though, it’s about choosing: Will I allow this to upset me? Will I choose to make this bad or good? Will I choose to stay or walk away? Will I choose to yell or whisper? Will I choose to react or take the time to respond?
When our course/coaching students come to us feeling down about a life situation they can’t control, we typically start by reinforcing the hard truth: sometimes changing your situation isn’t possible – or simply not possible soon enough. You can’t get to a new job in an instant. You can’t make someone else change against his or her will. And you certainly can’t erase the past. But…
You CAN always choose an attitude that moves you forward. And doing so will help you change things from the inside out, and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.
Here are four powerful questions that will support you with a positive attitude adjustment when you need it most:
1. Who would you be, and what else would you see, if you erased the thought that’s worrying you?
Worry is the biggest enemy of the present moment. It does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all. When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create moments you don’t want.
Realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace. Because inner peace does not depend on external conditions, it’s what remains when you’ve surrendered your ego and worries. Peace can be found within you at any place and at any time. It’s always there, patiently waiting for you to turn your attention toward it.
Peace of mind arrives the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. It happens when you let go of the need to be anywhere but where you are, physically and emotionally. This acceptance of the way things are creates the foundation for inner harmony. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than a worry, and worries simply lead you in circles.
It’s always the right time to embrace the present – just the detached awareness and acceptance of right here, right now. Only then do you have the power to focus on your challenges and opportunities more mindfully – and that changes everything.
2. What could you be positive about right now, if you really wanted to?
Your greatest weapon against stress and negativity is your ability to choose one thought over another. Happiness escapes from those who refuse to see the good in what they have. When life gives you every reason to be negative, think positive.
Your thoughts do not end when you finish thinking them. They continue to echo through your life. Choose wisely and intentionally. Be outrageously and unreasonably positive. Be funny and creative and ridiculous and joyful all at the same time. Smile as often as possible. A smile actually changes the vibe of your body. It alters, physiologically, the chemistry of your being. It will make you feel better and do better.
As described in the bestselling book The Happiness Advantage, a recent scientific study showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster. The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%. Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers.
So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive.
3. How can you respond from a place of clarity and strength, rather than thoughtlessly reacting to this experience?
Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, pause, and consciously decide if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the present.
In order to gain conscious control of what goes on in your mind, you need to develop a keen awareness for this process. What helps is to hold still for a moment, take a deep breath and free your mind of all the chatter that’s going on inside and all around. This makes room for a change of state, for something new to enter.
From the awareness of your thoughts and emotions you grow capable of consciously redirecting your focus. It’s time to take it willingly away from something that drags you down, and zero it in on something that inspires you. Focus on the next logical, meaningful step. There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them.
In almost every case, nothing is stopping you… nothing is holding you back but your own thoughts about yourself and “how life is.” Your perception creates your beliefs, your beliefs create your behaviors, and your behaviors produce your experience. That’s why you must sort through your thoughts carefully, and choose to respond only to those that will help you build the life you want, and the outlook you want to hold as you’re living it.
4. What can you let go of right now without losing a thing?
Honestly, there’s so much you can let go of in life without losing a thing. It’s called growth. Letting go of old ideals makes way for new opportunities. Letting go of what isn’t working makes way for what will. When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go and grow. In other words, start subtracting… the habits, routines and thoughts that are holding you back. You cannot discover new oceans unless you build up enough courage to lose sight of the old, familiar shoreline.
Forgiveness is a vital part of this process. Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to healed relationships and situations. Some relationships and situations aren’t meant to be. Forgive anyway, and let what’s meant to be, BE. Go ahead and set yourself free. When you hold resentment toward another entity, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free.
It’s time to stop expecting everything outside you to change, and instead focus on changing from within; do so and you may quickly find the peace of mind that has always eluded you. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Closing Exercise
If you’re feeling up to it, I’d love to reflect on the first question with you:
Who would you be, and what else would you see, if you erased the thought that’s worrying you?
In other words, think carefully about a specific thought that’s been troubling your worried mind lately, and then visualize how your life would be different if you removed this thought:
- How would it change your outlook on your present life situation?
- Would you treat yourself and others differently?
- How would you feel?
- How would you behave?
- What else would you be able to accomplish?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Craig Shaffer
Karla says
Wow! Another powerful post! I am glad found your blog a few month ago and signed up for your emails. I am now using many snippets from your articles and your book like affirmations every morning. Each one resonates with me in a positive way. And each time I read them I see another aspect of meaning in what they say. The questions in this article will be added into the rotation immediately.
And who would I be without the thought that’s been worrying me? I’d be happier, more energetic, and likely more successful. I worry that I’m not good enough – it’s a constant pulse the aches in the back of my mind. I’m getting better at beating it though, day by day.
Marc Chernoff says
I love your idea of using these questions as affirmations, Karla. And thanks for supporting our work.
Jay Jones says
I often worry that now is not yet the right time… so I stall, again and again. I always put off taking the next step on the things I want to do for myself. In this area, you have helped me immensely with your emails and posts. In fact, I now constantly remind myself with this affirmation I got from you: “Don’t put off living to next week, next month, or next year. The only time you’re ever truly alive is in this moment. LIVE IT, Jay!”
I know I’m a better person without my “not the right time” thoughts, because I’m already seeing results.
Marc Chernoff says
I’m so happy to hear you’re making progress, Jay. Sounds like you’ve come a long way since we spoke a while back.
Meg says
THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this article. It helped me a bunch! I’m currently struggling with anxiety and a broken heart. My worries and negative thoughts get the best of me more than I’d like to admit. I know I’m better off without all my negative over-thinking. I’m going to use your questions and tips as positive reminders going forward.
Wu says
I’ve been worrying about a particular thought lately. I’ve been negatively viewing myself, because I broke up with a previous girlfriend, and I exercised little empathy for her feelings afterward. It was a nonviolent situation. Merely teenagers. Just hurts to live with knowing I emotionally hurt another girl this way.
Dawn Gayapersad says
You can always reach out and say you are sorry. As long as that is all that is on your agenda.
Ritu Chowdhary says
Loved these lines – When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go and grow. In other words, start subtracting… the habits, routines and thoughts that are holding you back. You cannot discover new oceans unless you build up enough courage to lose sight of the old, familiar shoreline.
It’s not easy to subtract the habits or people out of your life. Everywhere I see people are either using you for their own benefits or simply it doesn’t matter to them. However being an emotional creature I’m unable to let go off these people out of my life as I feel somewhere in this chaos I had a beautiful love relationship as well. Is it this easy to Let go off people or relationships just because they are hurting you currently. Or if we talk about the truth – Just because things are not working the way we expect them, we should let it go, Should we not try to Fix them.
With these thoughts – at the same time I agree people are not poisonous, sometimes the situations are, hence moving on is the only choice. Still I find it difficult to move on in some cases.
Marc Chernoff says
Ritu, I think this article may give you some perspective: 7 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People
Ravi says
Ritu’s so true…I echo your thoughts
Rose Costas says
This is a very powerful post. I read it and it seems so very easy, but life is never easy and the pain can be great. Accepting where you are is like accepting that you are a failure and learning to live with it. I could be wrong but I do not believe that accepting my current situation is an option at least not for me. I am at a place where I cannot get out and feel trapped at least at the moment. I feel the walls are closing in but I am trying to fight to make changes that will make my life better only because I refuse to accept that where I am is where I should be.
Marc Chernoff says
Rose, the key is embracing and accepting the present fully, so you can make the very best use of it. If you’re resisting your present reality, it’s hard to work effectively within it. Does that make sense? Acceptance doesn’t mean staying stuck, it means moving forward mindfully.
Rose Costas says
Thanks very much Marc. That is exactly what I thought you meant but I wanted clarity for anyone reading to understand that accepting where you are is not accepting that things are over but to be mindful, patient while loving yourself enough to want to fight for what you believe in.
Dawn Gayapersad says
If you want to move forward the power of the present will motivate you. This power of acceptance when you look back years from now will build strength to know you did that, you moved forward and wow.
OdaO says
How powerful this post is. I have followed you for a while, but seldom have focus enough to read the posts when they pop in. But oh, how I need them!
I have years behind me of sabotaging my life, which should have been an exceptionally creative and vibrant one, according to my many talents, ability to love, and to recognize it in everything.
Instead I am living in a shadow-land of failure and loss, due to my procrastination, loss of sleep and thus focus, self hatred etc.
Through the years I’ve always stayed generally positive, but enough is enough, and I now feel on a road to change. Reaching fifty next month, feeling and looking nowhere near it, I will explore your blog daily to help focus, and LET YOU HELP me. What a valuable lifesaving work you do!
Thankfully my seventeen year old daughter is doing exceptionally fine, blessed girl, but I want to be my better self for her, myself, and our loved ones.
I know it all so well from before, with a lifetime of search behind me, But, you two have a very special way of making the message clear, very clear.. thank you!
Marc Chernoff says
I’m so happy we’ve been able to assist you in some small way. Please check back in with us soon and let us know how things are progressing for you.
roger says
Dear OdaO,
Oh do I understand sabotage, procrastination and fear. Would it help if I were to say Oda “just do it!” The world is waiting for you, it needs people like you to help make it a better place. If you have to: fake it till you make it…and remember, believe believe believe…”just do it!”
rogerthat
KK says
I’ve had people tell me, “just do it”, & have told myself that. But I find that if my head is in a bad place, the phrase adds a layer of “should” to what I feel/know I should be doing, or able to do.
What alternative might there be for a compelling, motivating phrase?
Shivani Goel says
This post really helped me get out of my worries. One of the most motivational posts I’ve read here.
Thank You so much!!!
Angela Greene says
Good morning, yet another great post. It’s so on point. I was just having a conversation, concerning this same thing. Thank you so much. This is confirmation. Powerful and again, thanks.
AnaAlicia says
This is a great reminder and very accessible steps for taking control of your own wellbeing regardless of your circumstances. It’s so easy to get caught up in the stress of our situations and forget that we still have control over how we let those situations affect us and our attitude. Your questions also help shed light on our internal diaolgue that often prevents us from moving forward. Thanks for another great post!
Judy says
I have experienced so much grief in recent months. I am tired of being strong on the outside and so troubled on the inside. I am trying desperately to come to terms with this truth . Thanks for your help.
Marc Chernoff says
Judy, let us know if you’re interested in coaching (either directly or through our course) at some point. Helping people untangle negative thoughts and calm their inner angst is our specialty. Sending prayers of strength your way.
Monica says
Having recently been “dismissed” by my husband of 25 years now that our youngest is off to college and he no longer needs a stay-at-home mom around, I find myself awake at night worrying about my emotional, financial, and professional well-being, along with the academic, personal, and emotional decisions of each of my three kids. However in those fleeting moments that I am able to brush aside all of these worries, I see nothing but opportunity: I am healthy and intelligent, my children are wonderful human beings, and we have it in our power to be truly happy. I am now free to pursue a next degree, to work wherever fits my needs, rather than following my husband’s career, and to invest time in pursuits that will fulfill me.
Brittany says
These articles help me everyday. Almost three years ago I set out to “be something” I moved out of the country to pursue a degree in the arts industry and landed back in the same spot I left, trying to avoid exactly where I am today. Sometimes, things just don’t go the way you hope they’ll end up.
I began cursing the universe and seeing my friends obtain what I had hoped or saw for myself, but deep down inside I think things are happening for them before my eyes for a reason.
I do not want o be a negative person, I used to be stress free. I just realize that when I read your articles my right now is not my forever. I need to let go of negativity, but it is a very difficult process to master.
With your blog I try everyday to work at it.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
Just take in one day at a time, Brittany. You’re making progress, step by step.
Sujing C. says
Reading your post on my way to work on a crowded subway train even with an alcohol-smelly person near me I realize the importance of thinking positively rather then hating the situation. Your great ideas have again reminded me to be optimistic and this will continue to push me in the direction of a positive workday. Thank you!
toots says
I am married to a man who uses the stone wall technique of communicating and living. Outside , in public, he is Mr nice guy, liked by almost everyone. With me, he does not talk. He Is not earning enough to support himself. It is me that is becoming toxic. I feel such rage at his dishonesty, his refusal to take responsibility for his actions, I am also sad and angry that I allowed any of this to occur. There are no quick fixes to the situation.. I will wait to finish the reno of the house, then sell it and just leave him. In the meantime, I have to find ways to move my mind away from rage. I use positive affirmations, which help but have not prevented more feelings of betrayal and anger and guilt and self pity. A mess.
Bonnie says
Life feels a little overwhelming at the moment. New grand daughter was born in the USA, while there assisting my daughter my father passed away, flew home, drove 14 hours to be there and clean up all his possessions along with the funeral, now a wedding to be planned for Oct. 9th for my youngest then she will move to Holland and grand son due For my sons family Oct. 27th. Just feels like a lot on my plate. Trying to find joy in the happy times amidst grieving and being tired. I know it will all work out but keeping my attitude and worry in check are hard. Thanks for the article. I will try to change my thought process as I accomplish what needs doing. Focus is my goal right now to acheive this.
I will try to be more intentional each time I feel like I can’t do something and try to find grace for myself.
Jackie says
This blog was right on. I have overcome many challenges in my life, caring for a disabled son, being overweight, leaving an unhealthy relationship and more. The only way it happened was by realizing I had the power to choose my thoughts instead of letting other people, society or my past decide what I should be thinking. It wasn’t easy to let go but once I did I felt a new found freedom. Thank you for your uplifting messages.
Dawn Gayapersad says
I am already subscribed! I love these emails. But today, this resonated with me. Respond from a place of clarity and strength. It means you have to step away and think. From your place of are you a prisoner of your past or a pioneer of the present. Wow. Thank you.
Poppy99 says
Love that – prisoner or the past or pioneer of the future. I know what I want to be!
Matt Palka says
Or you can be a pioneer of the present. =)
Cathy says
I have always been a “worry wart” and can come up with all kinds of scenarios playing in my head. My life has been a real struggle since losing my job in 2009 in the Great Recession. The very nature of my being let go was devastating to me ( I was thrown under the bus by colleague trying to keep her job).
I haven’t tried to get back into the field I was in because I was made to feel like a loser and trampled on by a bully manager. I’ve been terrified of ending up in the same place. And having recently turned 65 I worry it’s too late to change.
But this article made me stop and think about toxic people, feeling hopeless. I am trying very hard to move forward now. Thank you for advice/help that really applies to the day to day lives many of us have.
Marc Chernoff says
Cathy, I think you may find value in this article, as it relates to your struggles: 7 Smart Ways to Stop Fearing Rejection
Sayre says
I would be exactly who I am this minute. Another post of yours from quite a while ago turned on a light bulb for me about worry. It’s something I don’t do anymore. What is, is – and if it needs to change and I can change it, I do. But worrying about something is a waste of energy. If something is really weighing me down, I tell God about it and let him take that burden from me so I can get on with my life. It really does work. If you’re not a religious person, tell your dog, write it out – just get it out in the open and out of your head. It’s remarkably freeing.
Thank you for your posts – I don’t come here all the time, but when I do, I always find something I needed to read.
Marc Chernoff says
So glad we were able to help you find a positive path forward, Sayre. 🙂
Allyson Adams says
Thanks, I needed that! Your posts always make so much sense and all the comments after help me realize I am not alone. Blessings to you both.
Sandy says
Thanks so much for this post. Is very hard to think positively when you have failed multiple times. I have big challenges coming up. Past 2 years has been very hard. And now I question my path. I don’t want to quit. I feel sad, anxious and very emotional this past years. Fear runs through my body.I have never seen this part of me before. I don’t feel confident doing my things because I have failed some many times even when I thought I did my best. I keep telling myself self not to quit. I want my confidence back.i want me back.i can’t wait to see light. Is really hard to control my thoughts. It’s really hard not to be nervous. It just hard . But one thing I know if I can overcome all this challenges i will definitely be proud of my self.
Jamie says
In other words, think carefully about a specific thought that’s been troubling your worried mind lately, and then visualize how your life would be different if you removed this thought:
answer: I can’t remove this thought, because anything can happen out of the blue, and I just think about this all day long.
How would it change your outlook on your present life situation?
answer: It would stress me out less, but I would still be thinking about this.
Would you treat yourself and others differently?
answer: I would feel more accepted and would feel more comfortable smiling at people.
How would you feel? answer; just great!
How would you behave? answer: with more confidence.
What else would you able to accomplish? answer: would give me more confidence to accomplish another goal or thought.
Jamie
Rosemary says
Right on target today as I am worrying about my daughter lying to me, trying to manipulate me into giving her more cash (for the casino)
and what if anything I’m going to do about it.
Hurting that she would do it, again.. not wanting to hear her deny it when I know its true, resenting the attitude of “I want it, therefore I’ll do whatever it takes to do it”.. not wanting the abusive denial, again..
Yes, it makes me sick, but now I will try to step back and remember It’s the addiction that makes her do it.. talk to her again, and remember that she’s sick, and ask her what she’s going to do about it.
Anon says
I knew what I would be long time ago – a woman ready to take on the world, and make her own clothes, look and feel great. I didn’t know I was so naive which led to vulnerability. I had my pride but it was taken away. The other persons pride confused me and made me do stupid things. Now I see I can’t be friendly to certain people.
Dj says
Thank you for this and all your other great posts and level headed, no nonsense advice. I completely empathise with those people who are still struggling to overcome hurdles and challenges in whatever sphere of their lives. I have just been through the most awful year of my working life and, feeling anxious about the prospect of potentially embarking on another year of similar difficulties , I came to the conclusion that the only thing I can ever truly control and change is myself. I cannot change other people or their attitudes, thoughts, feelings or beliefs. Nothing else may ever change but I can. Indeed, I have. I still have my moments of self doubt and insecurities but I know beyond all doubt that I am loved and that I love others. So, whatever other people who choose to be nasty and mean may think or do in the future, I am different now, I have grown through the negative experience and I am still me. I am a better version of myself and sometimes I am grateful to them, they have helped me grow. Like manure on roses! So, if you are currently in a very challenging, frightening set of circumstances, I would like to offer you hope. I got through. So will you. Take heart and know you are loved too.
LeNa M says
Thank you for your amazing posts. It’s hard to always remember by yourself that everything happens for a reason and that you are not alone ever, the feeling is in your mind. Your posts brighten up each day and make understanding any situation that much easier. Even if just for a little, positivity does shine through. You are exactly where you need to be , everything else is just your thoughts and reactions about the situation. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Mary Brady says
Marc and Angel, what a terrific post. It’s a super keeper. My only regret is that I did not have this uplifting information years ago when I really could have used it. Back then, I survived by using my internal anger to fuel me through a long difficult life situation. Everything worked out for the best and I’m currently in a good place. Please know I have passed along several of your posts to others, who have told me they have had benefit from the posts. Thank you for all the good work you do.
Nancy Patterson says
What is worrying me is how to live without my husband. The angels took him on March 25th, and I have a very hard time with functioning…like I’m waiting for him to come back and make everything right. He’s NOT coming back. Ever. I need to be present in my life today…not worry about Xmas, retirement, my life for how ever long I have on this earth. This post was just what I needed. I have made positive strides, taking care of my health by eating properly, doing things that I haven’t had time for–like my art work. But it’s the “down time”, that I say, NOW WHAT???.? And I fret, and I worry. I have written these questions in my journal and will reflect on them during these worry times. Thank you!
Gail says
I am so glad that I found your blog and email newsletter. I have been to numerous psychologists and no one has helped me more than you! I would like to comment on the forgiveness part. I love when you say, “When you hold resentment toward another entity, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free.” I am struggling with an old friend right now and realize having him in my life is not good but it’s hard to let go! I will only be truly free when I forgive him and let him go. So much hurt and anger has been building in me, but I cannot be free myself unless I forgive. Thank you for this powerful message.
Wooly says
How does one start to do these things when it’s been hard to even get out of bed for well over a year?
I am 60 years old, live alone and am self employed at a job that no longer has any meaning for me. I am stressed by ill health and poor finances.
My future seems to be more of the same. Negative thoughts bombard me at every turn.
Sharon says
Begin to heal the fatigue and the cause of it (whether physical or emotional) and all else will start to move in a good direction. I do healing work. email me and perhaps I can help jumpstart the healing.
Shelly Krahn says
I really love reading your posts. It usually is a time when I need that particular bit of wisdom too. I find your insights so helpful that I’m usually quoting you on my FB fan page, or just putting up your link!
I find it’s always a struggle in trusting my own abilities and knowledge. The fear that I wont reach what I would consider success. That I basically might fail even though I’m very motivated and taking steps to succeed. It’s reassuring to see how many others struggle with the same thing. I guess knowing that it’s a shared denominator makes it seem less daunting.
Today’s post is what I needed at this time and I thank you both for your continued great work. Blessings to you!
Steven says
Great read. I love the way you guys keep wrapping these mindfulness principles up into approachable and digestable posts :-).
Amber says
This resonates with me a lot, stepping back and accepting what is going on as opposed to worrying about what I can not actually control. I have recently started taking some college classes and have been worried about how I will do with managing class time and three kids.
The word I keep using is balance and perhaps that is the wrong one, I think it is more of letting the balls of the little things that don’t really matter. As long as my kids are happy, healthy and loved and I am happy with where I am going then everything else can be let go of.
Thank You
Ed says
I love the question you posed – Who would you be, and what else would you see, if you erased the thought that’s worrying you?
Erasing bothering thoughts does set you free.
One thing I found helpful when there is a thought that is bothersome is just focusing on my breathing, just observing it.
It works wonders.
Devinna Bordeaux says
What you wrote is so profound and life changing for me!! I am going to purchase the bundle. Infinite gratitude and appreciation to you!!
Kyle says
This post resonated with me in many levels. The most poignant is letting go of people or behaviors that no longer serve me. My ex of 13 years left me three years ago. Since, I have been a mess. Simply, because I can not let go of the belief that we are supposed to be together. My denial of the situation has led to her controlling my emotions through my reacting to her behavior. It also doesn’t help that she had a 8 year emotional affair behind my back. I find myself wanting more than she has EVER been willing to give. When my expectations aren’t realized I react. Never in a positive way. Reading this post has challenged me to do the impossible, let go, forgive and be happy about where I am in this world. To embrace the woman who want my time and attention instead of forcing it on someone who doesn’t. Yet, there is that part of me that feels…with time, we will reconnect, learn to be something we never were in the hopes of our rekindling something long burned out…
Franziska says
Your Blog is something else. After years of reading self-development posts, I finally feel someone actually reaching out and understanding me.
The thought I would be a happier person without?
I am too old.
I am too old for xy, it is too late for xy, had I only started yesterday.
If I was able to subtract this sentence from my mind, I would just start working on my dreams again without censoring and just enjoy the process.
Maybe after reading a few more articles of yours, I will.
Thank you xx
maggie heaslet says
The things we worry about the MOST very seldom happen.