“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
? Jim Rohn
If you’ve been paying any attention to our blog over the past few months we’ve mentioned our friend Thanh a time or two. Marc and I met Thanh at a conference in Las Vegas some years back. We hit it off as friends almost immediately – there was lots of synergy between our interests in personal growth and in expanding our entrepreneurial business ventures. The vibe was great from the get-go. But what Marc and I didn’t realize at that time was the immense, long-term productive impact our relationship with Thanh would have on our personal and professional growth.
With Thanh’s support as a friend, Marc and I have launched successful coaching courses, recorded valuable interviews, redesigned our website, and more or less supercharged our ability to make a positive impact in the world – which happens to be our #1 goal at all times.
The bottom line is that Thanh is a part of our tribe, and we’re extremely grateful to know him. I’m sure you have people in your life that you feel a similar way about.
Only Some People Lift You Higher
As my mom used to say to me when I was a kid, “You are who you spend your time with.” It wasn’t until I was in my late-twenties that I fully grasped what she was trying to say to me. I learned the hard way that the people you surround yourself with either lift you higher or bring you down – they energize you or drain you – they support you or criticize you – they make you smile or make you cry.
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, or call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. You need a small group of people in your life that lift you higher.
As Anaïs Nin so profoundly said, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
So right here, right now, make it a goal to spend more time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Remember that relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, or simply the wrong people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.
It’s all about finding your people! That’s the one thing you should know…
The people in your life make all the difference in the person YOU are capable of being.
A Relationship’s Effect on Your Happiness
Your mindset and outlook in life is the most important thing in determining your level of happiness, but your relationships with others can drastically support your happiness quotient. Most people don’t realize the impact the type of people they surround themselves with has on their overall well-being.
Over the past decade, Marc and I have interviewed and coached thousands of people from around the word, and we’ve spent a great deal of time studying the factors that play the largest role in these people’s happiness. One of our key findings is this: the close, loving relationships people have with others is vitally important. The happiest people we’ve worked with live very close to family (or even with family members) or have close friends nearby (and many have both). When Marc and I realized this several years back, it really hit home with us as we had been living far away from close family and friends for several years. Since then, we’ve moved home to Florida so we could be closer to our loved ones. We wanted to surround ourselves with people who loved us, supported us, and believed in us, and we wanted to be able to do the same for them.
Simple Tips for Nurturing & Building Your Tribe
If you feel like your relationships have been suffering, or even if you feel tribe-less, rest assured in the knowledge that your tribe is out there. In addition, if supportive people already surround you, remember that there are likely many other members of your tribe that you have not met yet.
Here are five simple relationship-building tips that have helped us over the years:
1. Learn to enjoy your own company.
Ironically, the prerequisite to building healthy relationships is being comfortable when you’re all by yourself. If you’re starting fresh, with a minimal number of friends in your immediate vicinity, the reason for this is obvious: spending time alone is your only option. Likewise, if you have friends that have been dragging you down and negatively impacting your life, withdrawing from them and starting anew will likely require a bit more alone time.
Appreciating solitude starts with the conscious awareness of the freedom it brings. When you enjoy your own company you don’t need others around for the sake of having others around. You can be flexible about who you choose to spend time with, instead of letting your fear of being alone suck you into social situations and relationships that aren’t right for you.
2. Make time for the important people in your life, and be 100% present.
The healthiest relationships are comprised of two people who are intimately familiar with each other’s evolving stories. These people make plenty of emotional room for their relationship, which means they sincerely listen to each other, they remember the major events each other have been through, and they keep up-to-date as the facts and feelings of each other’s reality changes.
The key thing to remember is that nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention – your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to them, and it arms you with the information you need to truly know them and support them in the long run. (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Nurture your tribe by helping others achieve their goals.
Be a facilitator of healthy relationships. Connect people in your social network who have common interests or missions; give them access to the information and resources they need to connect, and let them know that you’re available if they need further assistance. What goes around comes around.
4. Work together on something meaningful.
If there are one or two people you already know who you would like to strengthen your relationship with, try to find a way to work together on something that intrigues both of you. You could plant a communal garden together, or meet once a week to complete unfinished projects – such as a writing, painting or website project. Working with others on meaningful projects can help you strengthen your bonds with them.
5. Put yourself out there.
Do what Marc and I did as it relates to meeting Thanh – attend a live conference with inspiring, likeminded people who are striving to be their best selves. If you need a recommendation with this, we have great news, on January 9, 2016 we’re taking our lessons learned in this arena and bringing them to life. We are hosting a live conference in Austin, Texas (and Thanh will be present). The conference is titled Think Better, Live Better. I guarantee it will be the right time and place to meet the right people, and set into motion a group of positive rituals and relationships that will change your life.
Your turn…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Wrong things happen when we trust, and give too much attention to, the wrong people.
Do your best to associate primarily with positive, sincere, motivated people who you can learn from and who will not drain your valuable energy with uninspiring attitudes. By developing and nurturing relationships with those committed to constant improvement and the pursuit of the best that life has to offer, you will have plenty of company on your path to the top of whatever mountain you seek to climb.
So…
Have you been making sure the people you surround yourself with are good, kind, and honest people? Which of your important relationships deserve a little more of your time and attention? And who is draining the energy and spirit out of your soul (that you need to let go of)?
Mull over these questions for a moment, and then leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Carmelo Raineri
Janice says
This post is an excellent reminder … who we spend time with makes a huge difference in our lives. Personally, I know I’ve been been spending too much time with the wrong people and not enough time with the right ones lately. Time to make some changes as we head into a new year.
Also, I just purchased your book for myself and my sister, to help us get on the same page together, and find some healthy inspiration. =) Thank you so much for everything you share.
Angel Chernoff says
You are welcome, Janice. Thank you for supporting our work.
Christian says
Yes, I do surround myself with good, honest people who I love, but I also fail to give them the attention they deserve. This post has several important ideas in it, but the very first thing I’m going to execute on is giving more of my attention to the important people in my life.
Think Better, Live Better sounds like an interesting conference that I would like to attend, but I live on the other side of the world in Sydney. Any chance there will be a digital ticket, or a recorded copy of the conference for sale?
Angel Chernoff says
Christian, yes we will be releasing another round of digital (recorded) pre-sale tickets for Think Better, Live Better at a discounted price very soon. More information on this will be sent via email to our email newsletter subscribers in the coming days.
Esther Gold says
Wow..woke up first thing in the morning and saw this on your website…..really learnt from it, made me remember to be conscious of the people I surround myself with. Since some negative people just tries to bring you down. Thanks a lot Marc and angel, Will start having a closer relationship with families and those I look up to, and want to be like..Surround yourself with people who believe in your dreams.
Bramile Babu says
I’m from Africa and I am always blessed and encouraged. Thank you so much and may God bless u
Celine says
This article could not have come at a better time for me. 4 months ago I made a move from NJ to FL by myself leaving behind my “tribe”. I have not been able to find a great tribe yet here and I know it will take time and effort, and I am ok with doing things on my own, however I really feel lonely. I am such a people person and it’s getting hard to not be depressed that I miss my friends back home so much. This article encourages me to keep searching for my tribe here and to hang on because it will be ok.
Thank you for this!!!
chandan tewari says
I think these tips can help us take a turn from dark to light in our relationships.
chandan tewari says
Very nice relationship tips and ideas. Thank you.
Barbara says
I wanted to thank you for your daily inspiration! I receive your e-mails daily and more often than not the words I read are the ones I need to hear that day! So thank you..
I as well believe that we need to fill our lives with those that lift you higher.. energize us…. and so much more! My struggles are when someone in the family (daughter-in-law) happens to be that someone I allow in my space that brings me down.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you so much for the kindness, Barbara. I’m happy to hear you resonate with this post.
Nancy says
It’s important to note that sometimes living far away from family is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Not all family-of-origin members are loving and supportive. Some are mean-spirited, jealous, and only tear you down, not build you up. While we all wish we had the Leave it to Beaver family, sometimes we have to build it ourselves from scratch. Leaving the negative, destructive people behind is the only way to live out your purpose without interference, second guessing and strife.
Jeana says
I agree with you, not everyone has the warm fuzzy, lovey dovey family. I certainly do not. Some members are toxic and I cannot be around them.
Ruth says
I have to agree with both Nancy and Jeana. Whilst the essence of the message is clear and true, I often read some posts and silently tell myself that not all of us come from families that surround you with love, support and encouragement. Not all families we are born into are good for us! Sometimes, our ‘family’ is one that we have built and made for ourselves…and I’m okay with that!
Carol says
I truly understand,I have a family like yours ad well.
Pam says
I totally agree in that my family is not supportive for me at all. My brother is jealous, greedy, stingy, and even a psychopath, I truly believe. He has no empathy or remorse for anyone, not just me. No ability to feel guilt, either, and is mean and very angry. My sister-in-law is the same, they make a great pair. My father is only available to visit me (they live out of town about 90 mins. away) on holidays, if even then. He gives me money instead of his presence. It has always been like this. (And not much money at that). Anyway, I feel I’m much better off with my tribe of friends, they like guardian angels to me, they are the best. I am truly blessed to have people like them in my life after being treated so poorly by my family. My mother is deceased, unfortunately, since 1994. She and I were close, however, and I still miss her. There was one friend that I recently had to let go, though, as she was not supportive of me and has extreme covert narcissistic tendencies. Not good for me at all. A person just has to be careful for sure.
Carol says
Amen!!!
Su(e) says
I grew up in the East Coast, as well as in the Mid-South, and didn’t begin to find *my* tribe until i hitchhiked around the UK in 1990. A few years later, i drove myself and my then 15-month-old son (and all our belongings) across the country to the West Coast city we now call home, where we arrived as domestic violence survivors and were total strangers. I’d found that it wasn’t until i began to establish myself in this new city, making choices for my son’s well-being, that i enjoyed the collateral benefits of slowly building the large multigenerational honorary family we enjoy today…and it was all due to volunteering in our new community.
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent perspective, Nancy (and everyone who replied to her). Thank you for sharing. I completely agree with your sentiment.
Corinne says
Very timely information for me. I was painfully reminded this morning about a situation that has frustrated me for several years because the people involved are just not my kind of people. This group just bristled me with their narrow minded thinking and rude behavior toward me. While they consider themselves elitist they are, sadly, just competitive and unkind. I managed to extricate myself from a position within this group a few months ago and received an email from a member that they were STILL looking to fill that position. After years of work, not one mention of my contributions or even a thank you. Silly me, there never was a thank you just snide comments. I know that there are no volunteers for this position because of this. I was momentarily sad about all this but then I read this post. I have left the bad tribe, now I need to find a new tribe to fill the creative void. Thank you.
kat says
how did you manage to actually leave? I need to do that but dont have the strength – but 40 yrs of being stomped on, brought down, no thank yous, living with a narcissist who doesnt believe he needs to change – has no respect for anyone, doesnt trust anyone, etc, etc, etc.
I’m really worn out with all of this but dont know how to get out. I’m 65 yrs old for pete’s sake – what/where//how? any suggestions/ideas are really welcome at this point. would love to have something to look forward to in the new year. God bless everyone and be safe!
Sheila says
Kat,
When you are able to decide that it is time to choose life you will find the strength within you to make a plan to do so. Pouring yourself into a dead-end relationship costs you. Believe in yourself – you have the ability to take control of your life and make it better. Take some time to ask yourself some practical questions. What do you need to be able to live on your own? After all it sounds like you don’t have any emotional support in that relationship…so you know that you can survive without it already. What would you like your life to look like?
I’ve been there & done that. And at the time I left I was running a non-profit company, going to seminary and dealing with a seriously ill child. But it was both liberating and painful. I healed and moved on. You can too.
Dr. Steven Kelsey says
I have really enjoyed reading your material. As a Pastor and Mental Health Therapist, your material has been integrated in my lessons. May God’s richest blessings fall and cover you.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you, Dr. Steven. Angel and I truly appreciate your kindness.
Kylie says
Thanks for this inspiring post. I just wrote a Christmas e-mail to one of my dear friends and copied the section about “Only some people lift you higher” and sent it to her, explaining how I value and treasure our friendship and vowed to spend more quality time with her next year. She inspires me, and I am grateful that your post gave me the opportunity to let her know that she is amazing and important.
Leff Phield says
This is true, though it hurts when you can’t have the support of those you wish. Great stuff though.
Allan Aopare says
Today is my birthday, and I consider this article a birthday gift! Believe me or not; I consider your( Marc and Angel) articles as my second bible, ever since I stumbled upon them in 2012, when my wife was mistakenly diagnosed with Ovarian cancer! Thank you Marc for this brilliant article. For decades, I have needlessly developed self-sacrificing non-rewarding relationships with people who don’t believe in equity.
Surprisingly, these same people are the most ungrateful in society. Everything is about them. There is nothing like a win-win relationship. It’s 100% win-lose, where I am always the loser. This article has delivered me psychologically. This article is going to form part of my New Year resolutions. I hope to end 2016 as a “born again”, living a fulfilled life far from the life of a “people pleaser”. And to forge more closer ties with my family, as suggested in the article
Allan from Ghana
Marc Chernoff says
Happy belated birthday, Allan. And cheers to a prosperous 2016, for all of us!
Joanne B. says
While I KNOW this thought process of eliminating those who bring me down MENTALLY, and it makes perfect sense, I still struggle with this EMOTIONALLY. I read and re-read your posts like this one and savor those certain strings of words that really seem to speak to me and I try to make them my mantra. Im my mind they make perfect sense, but yet I am still hurt and empty that I must have failed somehow if these people who I KNOW I must eliminate from my life don’t get it, that I need to be valued the same way I have always valued them! Please give tips on how to get over feeling like I must not have done enough. And then I feel an anger toward these people because they ignore my needs. I am okay with not having them physically in my life, but even if I don’t speak to them and see them (its been 6 months now since I have stopped calling my sister because why do I have to always be the one to wonder how she is doing and pickup the phone to call her? Doesn’t she ever wonder how I am doing? NO one is THAT busy!) SO I am ok with her not being there- believe me- but it still angers me that she doesn’t even call when I don’t call? SO some points please, on getting over the anger towards these people…
David Rapp says
Great reminders! I have been struggling all year with health issues, and its left me feeling very depressed going into the holidays. I usually try to create a one page Christmas message for our Holiday cards, but I just could not come up with much.
Anyway, some thoughts on relationships that might help others our there:
Get a “10X mindset” on communicating with people. That means call, text, and email people 10 times before you give up on them. I have cousin who I have not heard from in almost 18 months. She is getting the 10X Affect for the holidays!
Send a card or letter via the Post Office. Everyone loves something “good” in the mail.
sarah says
thank you guys for the great work that you do. I really appreciate it. I really needed it this time. until next keep up the good work.
Sheila says
I appreciate your sharing of wisdom related to relationships. Sometimes though it is more complicated & not so ‘cut & dry’. As in someone who meets all the essential elements but has a flaw that becomes a source of conflict & tension. The flaw sometimes looks like typical ADD behavior but sometimes feels connected to this person’s intention to maintain independence as a self-preservation because of feeling burned from last romantic relationship where they gave too much of them self away – even tho this current relationship is “friendship only” in intention.
Jason says
Timely, I just had this conversation with my 14 year old daughter.
rachel says
I do not 100% agree with this. Although I get where you’re coming from about toxic people. I use to do the same thing where I’d just get away from them. But I actually learned that you have to give a chance to even the most aggravating people in your life. I learned to put up with certain behaviors, get over the anger & hurt and actually have the backbone to work with these negative people to change & try to teach these people there’s a different way. If it gets to the point where these people are compromising your morals & ethics and they are willing to compromise their morals & ethics and not change, then keep your distance. Silence speaks volumes. Let the “Machiavellian” types fall into their own diabolical snares. Learn to embrace obstacles, instead of avoiding them in order to be better capable of handling further obstacles down the line. Difficult people will always be in your life. They were put in your life as lessons. Do you need to be best friends or be around them? No. But you need to accept other people’s personalities and figure out a way to avoid unnecessary clashes. Tackle problems head on. Don’t allow yourself to be the victim. Don’t try to tarnish others characters because you do not know why they are the way they are or what abuses, hardships, rejections or neglects they’ve had in life. Bless & forgive your enemies. We all have personality flaws. None of us are angels. We are all imperfect. Live in a state of forgiveness. Take your struggles with people as sacrifices and give it up to God. Rejoice during struggles. Everything & everyone is a test. The most difficult routes reap the greatest rewards. Have compassion toward everyone, even if they have none for you.
Carrie says
This is such a timely post for me – as I end a relationship I realize two things: 1) even when there are many, many good things, the negatives can still tip the scales the wrong way; 2) having a support system for both the bad times AND the good is so important. I am committing to work on building my tribe and really being intentional about surrounding myself with people who uplift me, so I can be that same powerful force for those around me!
Augustus says
I think your statement “Wrong things happen when we trust, and give too much attention to, the wrong people.” is very true. Having the proper selection dictates much more than trying to minimize the damages afterwards.
And it seems like the conference is only in Texas.
Mathias says
I love this post!
Having spent the vast majority of my life surrounded by negative people, I know first-hand what a difference it makes when you finally cut those relationships from your life. You never really notice just how much you’re held back from your potential when you’re constantly trying to adapt and fit in with the toxic nature of such relationships!
Thanks for sharing this!
Pascal says
Great post! Very informative and helpful I particularly like the section on enjoying your own company! I feared that I would not enjoy being alone with my thoughts. But was pleasantly surprised when I focused on myself for awhile today! I’m not as much of a bore as i thought! Ha!
Carol says
This what I needed to hear,my family (siblings,and others) really drag me down. There is so much negativity and confusion, we can’t plan a simple meal together and I don’t want to go into another year dealing with. I need to distance myself at least for now ,how can I do that without hurting anyone’s feeling. I are draining all my joy and peace!
Connie A. says
You are so right. I call them “toxic people” and have made a concerted effort to remove them from my life. Thanks for being such a positive force.
Brenda says
what can a person do if they have set their expectations way to high. How can you learn to be happy with someone and see the good in them without judging them. I thought what I have done would make things better but I am still really depressed.
Isaiah Dix says
I don’t care how cheesy it sounds, I feel like you guys are my friends. Although we’ve never met, I come to your site for positive affirmations whenever I feel the need and I even have you bookmarked on my laptop. I’ve mentioned ya’ll to one other guy I know who does similar work. I’m sure he digs your site too. Keep on keepin’ it real guys. You guys def know how to keep it 100% at all times. People like me come to your site for a space to breathe and words of encouragement.
And even though I’m still trying to let go of emotional abuse I suffered from some very close relatives I always have a new post from Marc and Angel to look forward to.?
justformetoday says
Thank you Angel for sharing.
+1 on the first point, ‘Learn to enjoy your own company’.
YOU are the longest commitment YOU will have and therefore the longest relationship YOU will have.
Marian says
I understand the need to distance from toxic people, I know from experience that can be truly liberating. However, before you distance, or withdraw completely, make sure that you have honestly assessed the situation. Echoing an earlier comment – have you tried to understand the other person? Has there been open communication where you specifically stated what you needed from the relationship, and tried to resolve conflicts? Have you tried to understand what traumas or hurts are they trying to deal with? Are they also trying to move forward, and just need a little support from you, or are they completely self absorbed and only consider themselves? Are you able to reach out to help others, or are you at a point that you are only able to protect yourself? When someone distances from close friends or family, the person that is ready to distance often moves on and finds it to be liberating. If there was not open communication (a true, two way conversation) the person that was left behind is often devastated. Rejection is a powerful emotional trauma, and is a consequence that is not to be taken lightly. From my experience, it’s sometimes too easy to walk away, never looking at the consequences for the other person. Walking away should be a last option, only after all other options have been exhausted.
Krisztina says
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” – This is the best quote in terms of self-love. I used to work with negative people and they never supported my goals. What did I do? I resigned and started a life in another country. These colleagues were negative about this decision of mine as well but I was the one who made a success after 3 years in the UK not the other way around. My advice is to not be afraid that a lot of people disappears from your life when you make an important decision. It just shows that there are other, better people that will come your wayonce you have changed your outer world.
Ann_B says
I realized too a while ago that it is best to surround yourself with the people who are supportive and make you feel ‘uplifted’, but when you actually start counting them you remain with 1-2 you can call ‘right ones’. And that if you are lucky 😀
Pat says
A brilliant article on how our environment places a critical role in who we are or will become. I appreciate the idea of nurturing your tribe and helping others reach their goals. It improves your tribes strength and makes for an inspirational environment for everyone.
Mercury says
There’s really nothing better than #4. I love coming together with a friend on a project that we’re both excited about. Bouncing ideas off each other and watching it flourish. It’s just awesome.
Gregory Walker says
Thanks again, Brad, you always have knowledgeable information to pass on. I look forward to reading your wide range of topics. Like the this one it right on point. ” Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are. ” I have always considered myself like a magnet but never thought about how it defines me. WOW!!!! Here’s to looking for new friends ( tribe) who will enrich my potential! And I likewise… Keep up the good work of giving genuine substance to ordinary people. Kick ___ !!!!!
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you, as always, everyone. Angel and I just read through each of your comments. You continue to inspire us to write the next M&A article…
Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you for everything this past year.
Magenta says
“You are who you spend time with” really resonated with me. I feel trapped in a hopeless situation of being the caregiver to my 82-yo mother. Unfortunately, surrounding myself with positive people is not an option open to me, as I have no privacy and no free time to pursue anything I may enjoy. I don’t even know what I may enjoy anymore. I feel as thought I have no life left to look forward to and completely drained of energy. I read a comment somewhere that looking after an old person is like taking care of a baby with no future. To me that really hit the nail on the head.
Having said all that, I do enjoy your blog and my regular emails. Just having a blue Monday I guess.
Lynne says
Such beautiful insights…food for thought…ditto with the authors…stay away from negative people…Two thumbs up!!