When we are judging everyone and everything, we are learning nothing.
One of the most incredible changes I’ve made in my life, which has undoubtedly made me a happier person and a better friend, is learning to let go of judging people.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t ever judge others – we all have a tendency to do so by default… it’s a human instinct, and I’m not the exception. But I have learned to catch myself, and to recognize how judging is harmful.
Notice I say “harmful” instead of “bad,” because instead of judging myself, I’d rather observe that the act of judging causes harm.
What underlying harmful conditions are indicated by my tendency to judge people? It varies, but in many cases these points apply…
- I don’t know everyone’s full story and I’m therefore ignorant of what most people are going through.
- I have unrealistic and unjustified expectations of people.
- I subconsciously believe that I’m somehow better than the people I’m judging.
- I’m being a bit self-absorbed and egotistical.
- I’ve lost sight of being grateful for my own blessings and compassionate to those who aren’t as fortunate.
- I’m not being curious or willing to learn, but instead I’m judging and rejecting people who are different than me.
- I can’t possibly help the present situation from a place of judgment.
How Judging Someone Transpires
Let me give you a personal example of how judging someone plays out so we can see how the harmful conditions above transpire:
I visit an old friend who is actively neglecting his own health – he is overweight and has extremely high blood pressure, and yet he eats junk food every day and never exercises. I know he can improve his health by changing his daily decisions. So I judge him for what he’s doing, get irritated with him, indirectly insult him with my opinionated commentary, and then dismiss him when our conversation turns sour. This kind of situation occurs all the time in relationships all around the world – just tweak the details a little and then substitute my old friend for someone’s husband, wife, father, mother, colleague, friend, etc.
Now, lets take a closer look at what’s really going on in my situation…
First of all, I’m a bit ignorant of what my old friend is going through, as I don’t fully understand his point of view. The truth is, he has been deeply depressed about his poor health, feeling ugly, unwanted, scared, and untrusting of himself to make better decisions. Because of his depression, he desperately tries to avoid thinking about anything related to his health, and therefore makes himself feel better through snack food, binge-watching TV shows, and other unhealthy distractions. He’s just trying to cope. And in fact, I have done similar things many times in the past… I have failed. I have dealt with hardship. I have felt depressed. And I have comforted myself in unhealthy ways. So I’m not really any better than him, even if I believe I am.
What’s more, I’m being ungrateful for the amazing human being he is, despite his health issues. He truly is wonderful – which is precisely why I’m friends with him – but by judging him, I’m not appreciating him at all. Instead, I’m being self-absorbed by focusing on how much “better” I am, how I think he “should” be, how he’s irritating me, how my irritation is more important than all the pain he’s feeling inside. I’m not being curious about what’s really happening in his heart and mind, and what he’s going through and why. Instead, I have simply judged him. And from this position of close-minded judgment, I can’t help because I have stopped communicating effectively, and have dismissed him as unworthy of my effort.
How to Stop Judging Once You Start
First and foremost, you must bring awareness to the fact that you’re doing it. Doing so takes practice, but there are two crystal-clear signs of judging to look for in yourself:
- You feel irritated, annoyed, angry or dismissive of someone
- You’re complaining or gossiping about someone
After you catch yourself judging, pause and take a deep breath. Don’t berate yourself, but simply ask yourself a few questions:
- Why are you judging this person right now?
- What unnecessary or idealistic expectations do you have of this person?
- Can you put yourself in this person’s shoes?
- What might this person be going through?
- Can you learn more about their story?
- What’s something you can appreciate about this person right now?
Once you’ve done that, offer your kindness and compassion. Perhaps they just need someone to hear them, someone to not judge them, someone to not control them, someone to be present without an agenda…
But in any case, remind yourself that you can’t help them at all from a position of judgment. And you can’t help yourself either… because judging people is stressful.
Mantras to Stop You from Judging
Since I intellectually understand everything I’ve discussed above, but often forget when I’m in the heat of the moment, I’ve implemented a unique strategy to help me stop judging people. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to judge. Anytime I’m heading into a social situation where I feel the itch of judgment stirring inside me, I read the following mantras to myself before I leave the house…
- Look within first. When two people meet, the edge on communication goes to the one with the most self-insight. He or she will be calmer, more confident, and more at ease with the other.
- Don’t be lazy and make judgments about people. Be kind. Ask about their stories. Listen. Be humble. Be open. Be teachable. Be a good neighbor.
- There is a story behind every person. There is a reason why they are the way they are. Think about that, and respect them for who they are.
- The way we treat people we strongly disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love, compassion and kindness.
- Do your best to maintain sincere love in your heart. The more you see the good in other people, the more good you will uncover in yourself.
- Be present. Be kind. Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses. This is how to make a difference.
- We all take different roads seeking fulfillment and joy. Just because someone isn’t on your road, doesn’t mean they’re lost.
- It’s OK to be upset. It’s never OK to be cruel. In disagreements with others, deal only with the present situation. Don’t bring up the past or any other form of drama.
- The most memorable people in your life will be the ones who loved you when you were not very lovable. Remember this, and return the favor when you’re able.
- No matter what happens, be good to the people around you. Being good to people is a peaceful way to live, and a beautiful legacy to leave behind.
Your turn…
How has judging people affected you and your relationships? Do you have any thoughts or insights to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
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Photo by: Greg Rakozy
Lisa Wollek says
Marc and Angel,
I believe this was posted on Facebook and appeared in my feed this morning as a gift to me from my mom. Yesterday was her first birthday in heaven and I miss her dearly. I have also been struggling, and dialoguing with her internally, about some regret I have regarding judgment and how it impacted my interaction with her the last few years. I was already beginning to have some insight into my role in this, and doing my best to make post dated amends… But this piece addresses it in a specific, articulate and illuminating way for me. And will be my roadmap for doing better moving forward.
So thank you mom, and thank you Marc and Angel.
Blessings.
Frances Rodriguez says
As of this moment I have a quote on my kitchen … “ If you spend time judging people, you don’t have time to love them. “
Everyone deserves our unconditional love and kindness. As you mentioned, it is important to be present and to notice why, how and when I judge. First step is recognizing it. Then learn from mistakes and try your best every day…
Beverly says
M&A, your thoughts on issues like this continue to move me forward. After my marriage came to an end four years ago, mostly due to the relentless emotional abuse (driven by my judging and insecurities) that I had inflicted on my ex-husband, I found your blog, book, and video lessons. And it took me some work, but I now realize my flaws and mistakes. And I also realize how many others make similar mistakes. As long as we continue to live as if we are what other people think about us (judgments and all), we will continue to be filled with our own judgments and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people in their “right” place, and ultimately ruining the relationships we have with them.
Thank you for the reinforcement.
Marc Chernoff says
Beautifully stated, and cheers to noticing your progress, Beverly.
Sandra says
Beverly,
This statement really spoke to me, to the extent that I copied and pasted it into a ‘Quote’ file that I keep (giving you full credit, of course!):
“As long as we continue to live as if we are what other people think about us (judgments and all), we will continue to be filled with our own judgments and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people in their “right” place”
I might add that this is also true of what we ‘think’ other people think of us. For example, if I think that other people think I am somehow ‘lesser than,’ my initial reaction is to a) feel intimidated, b) judge them as elitist, with no regard for ‘regular’ people, and c) feel the need to defend my value. (Fortunately, this interaction generally takes place in my head!)
Yeah, I really need to work on that…
Thanks for the clarity!
Robert says
This post reminds me of a quote Angel recently shared in one of her emails:
“Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.”
And I could not agree more with what’s said in both that quote and in this post. I used to judge everyone, including myself. It was a dark and lonely period of my life — one that lasted nearly three decades.
Marc Chernoff says
I just read your comment alongside Angel and she’s inspired to know that quote resonated so deeply with you, Robert.
Megan Kirby says
Such an important reminder for all of us: Let’s STOP judging each other!
None of us have it all figured out, especially not the when we are acting like we do and judging others because of it. And surely not when we’re trying to be something we aren’t because we’re trying to please a bunch of other judgmental hypocrites. Judging is not on the path to happiness or peace.
Thank you for your emails and virtual support via your Getting to Happy course, Marc and Angel! You are making a difference.
Nicki D. says
Terrific article! I am very quick to judge, unfortunately, though am making a conscious effort to catch myself. Example: At a public transit bus shelter yesterday, there was a man inside, sitting down, who blew his nose onto the ground and wiped his hands on his pants. I had some pretty harsh, automatic judgements about him! However, within a few minutes I was able to turn my judgements around and send him silent blessings, because really, who knows what his life is like, how he was raised, etc.? That doesn’t mean the act wasn’t disgusting, because it was, IMO especially post-pandemic, but that doesn’t make ALL of *him* a disgusting or worthless person. It’s very challenging, though, to catch and stop those automatic judgments in the heat of the moment.
Isabella says
Nicki D., thank you for sharing your story and perspective! This distinction between the action and the person who performs is VERY important. Personally, I pay attention to my thoughts and most of the times I try to be sympathetic, to catch myself, to try to put myself in the other person’s shoes, but this sheds a new light on everything (it was not so automatic for me). Also, this allows me to accept my reactions and perceptions, because pretending not to feel disgusted for the sake of being non-judgemental would be rejecting/judging myself. And besides, it makes me wonder about the times my own actions have been considered “bad” generally speaking, or offensive, or have actually offended people without me even realizing. Some food for thought…
Diana says
I have struggled with trying to not judge others all my life. Like you I catch myself doing it in spite of being aware so I am glad you made this list. I actually judge people for judging other people (LOL). Maybe I can share this list with them.
Cinderella says
So true, I also catch myself “judging others for judging others”! I loved your LOL afterwards. Such a tricky world as we work towards being the best humans we can be.
Ahmed says
I have been very judgemental in the past and am even now, though I have realized its a harmful practice for myself. It all started when the realization got into my head that I was smarter and more intelligent than others and I was hence better than others. I shunned people who did not look as bright as me and only engaged with smart, aware, environmentally-responsible, politically correct people. After some time I began seeing flaws in them too. Soon I isolated myself from everyone and created an aura of mightiness about me. Of course then nobody cared about a proud, prudish, self-important person like me. I continued to think too highly of myself but also kept looking for perfect people to engage with. I never found any. Years went by like this and I turned into a socially-awkward, reclusive, self-styled nerd no one really felt attracted to. I also started feeling depressed and watching dirty vids, etc.
I have realised that I am not perfect and nobody else is either and I must learn to live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. Ever since then, my outlook on life as a whole has improved considerably. But I am still socially-awkward and it continues to give me stress and regret about past.
Trey says
I feel you. I am in a boat not too different. Though I have found another way. Pray continuously. How many will judge me for this comment…..and all they will know of me is that I do pray. Praying allows me to spit out the anxiety of life. And to give these words to MY Lord and creator…in the hope He will take them from me. My hope is reliant upon my beliefs. Right or wrong …you choose the direction of your own life. Good luck Ahmed.
Jobee says
Thank you Ahmed for your “warning”- I too can be judgmental but, and this will be a BIG BUT of course- it is because I also am very hard and judgmental on myself and hold myself to a high standard and expect others to do the same. I find I have little tolerance for people who take the easy way out, make flip decisions and don’t spend enough time thinking about the best action to a situation. I too am eliminating people in my life because I find I have nothing to say other than wanting to say, “I told you so…” when their poor choices backfire and so I say nothing. It still hurts to see them walking into the flames and not want to warn them, but I hold my thoughts to myself because I do realize we choose our own destiny. I suppose I too am looking for closer to perfect people, even tho I am the first to admit I am not perfect. I just want to surround myself with I suppose likeminded people, which I know could prove to be boring so I will be aware of this rush to judge. The thing is this- I find I prefer quality over quantity and am very happy with less people. I have many casual relationships where we can talk about the weather and very few that I would actually want to share my inner most thoughts with. You have given me food for thought.
krista says
same situation, Ahmed! especially after graduating from college amidst the languishing of the pandemic.
Tia Shurina says
M&A,
You’ve both have been helping me on my path for quite some time. As a result, in part due to both of your angelic-like assistance, I’ve been blessed by the writing of a memoir that discusses that very path.
After being stunned, stolen from, & selfishly violated on the subway just a few eves ago, I allowed that encounter with a complete & total stranger to ripple out & serve as a catalyst for feelings of devastation & betrayal by some close to me that have disappointed & drained me as I have made my way. In that weariness, Ive struggled mightily recently, with so much, including the temptation to cast judgment. Your posts, as always, somehow seem to speak right & perfectly to exactly what I need to hear in the moment. As Ive allowed myself kindness to work thru some powerful emotions these last few days after that sudden experience, reading your words reminds me of some important powerful stuff…so powerful it helped me change my life, & that force enough this special morning to re-turn me to a more beautiful, benevolent & certainly more bountiful road. Thank you so very much for your insightful words. May the force stay with you both as you continue to inspire & encourage in such an important way.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the extra kindness, Tia.
G. Lynn says
This message about how to STOP the judging people is something I am struggling a bit involving a long time friendship with a gal who has serious medical problems due to obesity & depression. She is a wonderful person in many ways. I am worried that we might “lose her” . Without “judging her”… Should I express my concern directly to her? Years ago I used to talk with her about how to go about losing the weight. Now I rarely do this…I have learn to keep a positive chat going on…but deep down I am very worried. Anyone here know of an approach which could have a positive impact?
Jobee says
No ill intentions here, but you already know the answer. Your friend knows how you feel because you have told her in the past. Unless she lives under a rock SHE knows as well. We are all on our own paths and we choose our own destiny. It is our right to go it in our own style. You would not be a good friend if you didn’t allow her to find her own way and constantly reminded her of her weakness. Find the good things to love in her or move on- if you don’t do that you will elevate yourself above her (in your mind) and keep her beneath you and that cannot be good for you , her or the relationship. Take her as she is.
Annie says
What you said there is so powerful, I’m taking this for my marriage! “Find the good things to love in him and move on, if I don’t do that I will elevate myself above him and that will not be good for me, him or our relationship.Take him as he is!” I thank you for that because it is a reminder to me that what we focus on we magnify making it larger and larger until it blocks our vision of what is good in others. This apples to how we judge ourselves too, our self talk where we don’t measure up to our own expectations. We examine ourselves and others and we see is our flaws. Can we turn that around by saying “yes there is that issue but this wonderful quality shines brighter, I (we) am fearfully and wonderfully made and everyday I (we) am growing and going higher because it is God who is at work in us and He is not finished yet, he is not judging us. Even the very fact that we have read this blog shows how He is loving and leading us into better and better relationships with others, ourselves and with Him. WOW He is awesome and I see my marriage changing from today!
Chris says
Thanks for this wonderful post! When I’m finding myself judging others, I often ask myself “what are the facts here?” Or “what do I know to be true?”. As you said, we are ignorant of what is going on under the surface; focusing only on what is real can cause a shift that releases judgment.
Another thing I’ve learned is that we judge others based on the things about which we judge ourselves. I will tend to judge others when I feel they are being disrespectful; respect is important to me and I beat myself up whenever I look back on a situation and realize that I could have handled a situation more respectfully.
Nancy says
I am presently allowing my adult alcoholic son to live with me while he makes some decisions about where his life is going. Unfortunately he hasn’t decided that drinking until he passes out shouldn’t be part of the plan – yet.
It has been very hard for me to see past the crutch of alcohol to the person who is struggling with it. Thank you for this post. It has made me realize that I really know nothing about his inner struggles and what he is dealing with. All I can do is love him and take care of myself. It isn’t up to me to “fix” him or solve his problems. Fortunately I have a strong Al Anon background and a great group I can lean on for help. And this blog and your online Think Better courses. Thank you!
Marc Chernoff says
Sending prayers of strength your way, Nancy.
krista says
Yes this is sooo true. When we judge people we only look for mistakes, flaws and imperfections of others and tend to forget that we are no different. The result can be also, us, fearing something new to do, try something different or be different because of the fear of being judged. The negativity we throw comes back immediately to us. So spread love. Focus on the aspect of love, love can conquer any flaws, imperfections and judgement and one day we will only see butterflies, mermaids and ice cream.. lol. So let’s all take care of us eyes for the eyes is the mirror of our souls, let’s all practice to see the good in everything and anything.
Molly says
Thank you for this post. I have a problem with judging myself. I am incredibly hard on myself and can never live up to the perfectionist expectations I set. The sad part is, I know what I’ve been through and still struggle with giving myself a break. I guess it will just take some practice.
Kimberly says
Not to defend anyone that judges in a harmful (which I like how you turned me on into using that word instead of bad) way, but I do allow myself to judge folks whether they will be a threat to me. Such as cause some sort of harm to me. This keeps me safe.
Yet on a personal and more general daily level, being less judgmental has helped my own heart in how I feel about myself. Kindness matters. I’m just sorry that I had to be over 50 to learn this lesson and to experience how being less judgmental feels good!
Ellen says
I have a friend, well as of the past few weeks she is no longer a friend because I darn near got “judged to death”. I was understanding because of knowledge of her growing up years. Then I became ill and apparently she magically became a doctor and believed she knew what was best for me. Forward to I am laying in the emergency room, very sick and she is telling them to operate on me. Apparently she was “studying” my illness on the internet. For your information…an operation would have killed me at that time. So months have passed, my illness is under control and now she believes I have another illness. Nevermind that I have blood work and treatment every week, along with seeing my nurse and very frequently my doctor.
When I became ill and spent several days thinking about how I wanted to live the rest of my life. I spend my days “creating”, living a peaceful, happy life, taking care of myself, eating healthy foods, being kind to others, etc. I no longer have room in my life for being CONSTANTLY judged. It had gotten to the point where every sentence, even partial sentences were judged, criticized….somehow I was indirectly told I was stupid and didn’t know what I was talking about.
One question I have is……why does such a judgmental person also attack my loved ones….people she doesn’t even know. I really want to know what is up with that.
Elva says
@ Ellen –Possibly the person who “diagnosed” you has covert-aggressive personality disorder (you can Google this disorder, lots of information on the web). Having had to fend off several of these people myself, you have my sympathy. I do try always to be kind to others, but, people who try to take over my personal life absolutely must be warded off; they are like psychic / emotional vampires.
I would like to pass along one of the most important bits of advice that I was given in secretarial classes in college many years ago. The teacher told us that when we graduated and got jobs, we should not tell people that they are doing something the wrong way. Possibly there would be a good reason for their procedures that we, being new to the job, simply were not aware of why things were done in a particular way. After we had been on the job for at least six months, we could ask or suggest that maybe doing something differently might help speed up the process. That has been good advice for me in many circumstances. Peace and hope from Elva
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent reply! You nailed IT IMO.
Magenta says
I’m facing exactly that situation mentioned in the example with my son-in-law who is ruining his health by eating junk food, getting no exercise, just sitting in front of the computer for hours, missing work. When one doctor says there is essentially nothing wrong with him, he goes to another hoping for a remedy to make him feel better that won’t take any effort on his part. Frankly, I’m worried about him. I tried talking to him about his diet, but it wasn’t received kindly and he continues on what I’m afraid may be a path to self-destruction. When I spoke to my daughter about it she just shrugged and said he’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. As the mother-in-law it is particularly difficult as I don’t want to be interfering. Anyway, not quite what the topic was about, but the example resonated with me. Thank you for your website, emails, and insight.
Jill Rigby says
I was very interested to read this post as I think judging people is probably one of my biggest faults. What I liked most was that you pointed out that judging people is a human instinct and something that we all have a tendency to do.
To me, that statement was very powerful. I didn’t realise that. So from now on, I will continue to work on not judging people, but if I slip up, I won’t be too hard on myself! I’m not on my own. Thank you for that.
Karen says
I ask forgiveness as my judgements come up and then forgive others that trespass against me.
I think I felt pressure to get it right all the time. I have reminded myself to be compassionate to all, Including MYSELF.
I am thinking some scary, sit with it, needs to happen before the blocks can dissolve. Easier thought than done.
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious” – Carl Jung
Kathleen says
I’ve found myself judging people more and more often. I find myself getting angry and annoyed around them. I don’t like that I feel this way and I think one of the most helpful parts of this post was that from a judgmental position you cannot help another human, you can’t communicate effectively and make a difference in the world.
It made me think about smart, positive, and caring people I have met. The information they have shared (without judging anyone around them) simply to help others grow.
This has left me with the internal questions: Without judging, how can I have positive conversations and try to help others see the world in a new way? What can I learn from how they see the world? How can we grow together?
Good questions for me to ponder I think.
Karen says
I actually feel dirty when I catch myself judging someone. I also find myself telling others that I maybe with to stop, that I don’t want to hear it. As you wrote we unconsciously do judge. I have to practice all the time and I have to be aware of when I am judging.. I leave you with this scripture: Luke 6:21. Stop judging and you will by no means judged and stop condemning and you will by no means be condemned, Keep on forgiving and you will be forgiven.
Luke Zitterkopf says
Karen,
I agree. Judging others not only feels bad it puts us in a spot where our communication is not a blessing to others. John Maxwell has stated “People don’t care what you know until they know how much you care.” I try to think of this quote when I begin a judging thought.
Wendy G says
I have learned the hard way that judgement of others can come back to haunt us. I can think of a few situations in which I judged people harshly, like I was better than them and would never do what they were doing. Boy was a wrong. Those judgements came back to bite me and I did indeed end up in their shoes. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.
Karen Kehler says
I’m a counselor in a small town. I get to hear ‘the truth’ more often than many. I also have to sit quietly while others are judging.. Harsh judgment is also about feeling powerful – when not feeling it otherwise. To me hearing the self judgment people carry is the worst.
Great share!!