People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them.
That is the truth. Let it sink in.
What people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them and how they view the world.
Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
The underlying key is to…
Watch Your Response
When something stressful happens in a social situation, what is your response? Some people jump right into action – but oftentimes immediate action can be harmful. Others get angry, or sad. Still others start to feel sorry for themselves… and victimized… and left thinking: “Why can’t other people behave better?”
Responses like these are not healthy or helpful. In fact, whenever your response lacks a mindful level of acceptance you’re likely taking things too personally. And you’re not alone. We all make this mistake sometimes.
If someone does something we disagree with, we tend to interpret this as a personal attack…
- Our children don’t clean their rooms? They are purposely defying us!
- Our significant other doesn’t show affection? They must not care about us as much as they should!
- Our coworkers act inconsiderately at work? They must hate us!
- Someone hurts us? Everyone must be out to get us!
Some people even think life itself is personally against them. But the truth is, almost nothing in life is personal – things happen, or they don’t, and it’s rarely all about anyone specifically.
People have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it makes them defiant, rude, and thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to with a peaceful mindset, or not respond to at all.
Here’s what you need to remember…
Mantras for NOT Taking Things Personally
Like you, I’m only human, and I still take things personally sometimes when I’m in the heat of the moment. So I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response, as I’ve outlined above. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to take things personally. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read the following mantras to myself. Then I take some fresh deep breaths…
- You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them.
- You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
- There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Take constructive criticism seriously, but not personally. Listen, and then operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
- You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. You don’t need other people to validate you – you’re already valuable.
- If you truly wish to improve your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, stop allowing other people to be responsible for them. Stop allowing other people to dominate your emotions. (Angel and I build powerful self-confidence rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby. And that’s the tragedy of living. So when people are rude, be kind, be mindful, be your best. Give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.
Afterthoughts
As I am finishing up this post, I am reminded of all the senseless violence we see in our world today.
Please don’t attach yourself to it.
Do your best not to take it personally.
Do your best to let it go – to rise above the hate.
A small group of people may try to build barriers between us, but the rest of us can find a way to fly above them. Others can try to pin us down with a hundred thousand arms, but in numbers we can find a way to help one another back up. Yes, there are many of us out there, more than any of us likely realize, who know love is the answer. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to trade an eye for an eye. People who love in a world without conditions, who love into hate, into refusal, with faith, and without fear.
And that gives me hope.
Your turn…
How has “taking things personally” affected your life and relationships? Do you have any thoughts or insights to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Bless Her Heart
Kelly Whitcomb says
There’s no doubt about it — taking things personally has made me miserable in the past, and stifled my growth. I’ve learned the hard way that we all need to let go of negativity around us AND the negativity directed at us. Terribly tough to do sometimes, but unbelievably liberating! When we are continuously running on a treadmill of stubbornness about how we “expect” to be treated or how others “should” behave, we are prisoners to the beliefs and behaviors of others. Your happiness course and emails have been helping me let go of my ideals and refocus on improving my attitude and responses. It has been a gradual process, but I’m seeing the benefits very clearly. Thank you for all the personal guidance.
lolo says
This article is so true. I’ve spend most of my life worrying about what others say and do . I have to stop and think how short life is and how important it is to live life to the fullest.
Michael lingenfelter says
Yes! Too many of us never come to this realization or too late. It is very important not to leave your happiness in the hands of others 🙂 live that life to the fullest!
Yvonne says
I agree. We can’t let someone else dictate our lives.
penelope says
thanks for the reminder! God bless you and yours as well as your altruistic work!🙏🏻🙏🏻
Marc Chernoff says
Keep going, Kelly. You’re progress is inspiring to experience. I’m so pleased Angel and I have been able to assist you on your journey. 🙂
Greg says
Again, one of your emails arrives in my inbox at the moment I needed to read it. Thank you.
With all the disheartening gun violence occurring in the US and around the world right now, this post really struck a chord with me, because it often comes down to people taking things personally and reacting violently on impulse.
Also, you reminded me of a related quote from your book that I copied into the notes on my iPhone recently, to remind myself not to take things personally and to not judge others, even when they are being unruly:
“Do your best not to judge others, for you do not know their pain or sorrows. If you can’t speak a kind word, say nothing at all. And if they can’t speak a kind word, say nothing at all.”
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for re-sharing that quote, Greg. Glad it resonated with you. And thank you for supporting our work.
Stephen Roe @ Thoughtful Growth says
Absolutely true, Marc. Great post as always.
I’ve noticed in my life that there are people who seem “mature” and “immature”, and I could never figure out what the difference was. How could I be mature? How could I guide others to be mature?
Then I realized that it comes down to what you mention at the beginning of this post. Immature people think everything is directed at them, and mature people don’t. It’s not that they ignore the world, but they know that their response is what counts.
In my relationship, I’ve seen that when my girlfriend and I take things personally, it only gets worse. But when we remember that what we say is less about me and more about the person who said it, we grow closer together.
Thanks again. Off to share this!
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for sharing our work, Stephen.
christian says
Excellent!
It has been hard for me to learn how to stop taking things personally. For many years I played the victim, and I reacted with anger and hatred. But your weekly wisdom has been pulling me in the right direction. I’m am truly starting to understand that when I can’t change others, I can still change myself, and free myself to move on.
Thank you.
Jon says
Very timely. And true. Thanks
Jen says
I can’t believe how insightful this young couple is.
janie says
Marc and Angel, I am so glad I accepted the invitation to join your newsletter! You have such a clear and precise view on human behavior. And I cant tell you how timely your letters and readings have been in my life. I learn something new each time. I see how it can be applied in my own life. And I love your book! It’s all been such a great help. Thank you for creating it.
Yvonne says
I agree. This young couple is amazing.
Rob Taylor says
A friend told me recently “nobody is wrong”.
This was in a context where close friends had not reacted as I might have preferred.
Now I realise how right my friend was.
The problem had been in my perception of what was “right” and “wrong”.
That means the problem was MY perception.
Not other people’s.
This has opened my eyes.
Bernard says
I take WAY too much stuff personally, mostly out of fear because I spent a huge chunk of my life being the kid that had no friends, and I’m terrified I’ll be there again.
Damjana says
Same with me, yet I still unwillingly push people away.
Chris says
I leaned this long ago, but as you say, it’s still sometimes hard not to take things personally (especially when it is from a family member). Thanks for the reminder.
But why I’m really commenting is to thank you for the afterthought you wrote. I needed to be reminded that there are many loving souls out there. We need to keep voicing that love so we can find each other and so we can draw those living from a place of fear to the other side.
Thank you. ❤️️
Marc Chernoff says
Yes we do, Chris. Yes we do. 🙂
Kristine Adams says
TY once again. There’s been murder in my family–at the hands of my father. Next came the suicides of the sons of two of my sisters. And the desperate marriage failures of many others. (*Sigh*). And yet I rise. Life’s beautiful–though my husband was hit by reckless driver head-on six years ago. He’s not the same guy I joined into my life, but the accident that befell him wasn’t his doing. Love wins. Despite my mother’s murder, love wins. Despite my eldest child’s abandonment of her three daughters, love wins. You reminded me, again, to breathe and lift my head to the new day. Blessings!
Karen says
Omg …blessings to you …..And I thought my difficulties were bad….coming from betrayal and deceptive accusations from family members at the expense of my dear mother who is getting the biggest hit of all because of all this drama. They have created. I am losing and grieving 17 years of everything I had known. My mother, my home, support system, financial security,
You are right I need to rise above this, not take things personally and know that this is all about them and not me and know that love will win..Some days it just hurts….
Denise Clancy says
Oh my goodness Kristine..what an incredible, beautiful and amazing woman you are. To deal with so may traumatic events and still be able to see a silver lining! An inspiration to us all! Much love from here in the UK.
Denise
Payel Dutta says
Dear Kristine….. Lots of love from me…..u r really inspiration for all of us…..hats off
Damjana says
Kristine, your comment brought me to tears. You’re a strong woman who went through so much and is managed to keep your heart so positive. Thank you for the beauty within you!
Gina Muller says
Dear God, how do you cope with all this.
Gina
Marc Chernoff says
Sending loving vibes your way, Kristine.
Bette says
My mantra has become, “It’s not about me.” Those simple words remind me of the truths above. I say this mantra multiple times a day, and gradually, it’s sinking in.
Linda says
This just makes so much sense. I will practice being less critical of what people say and do. Now I understand and I can heal, with or without their support.
RL says
There have been a few people in my life that have been significant individuals. Some by choice, and some (family) not by choice, that have had both positive and negative influences on my life.
So now let me rephrase the above.
There have been a number of instances where I have allowed others to have a negative influence on my life!
The reality is that I have allowed the sentiments and opinions of ‘some’ people in my life to affect me and the course in my life. There had been times where I was not mature/old enough to distinguish the difference but as a mature adult, I’m responsible for my filters and responses.
These skills would have been great to have been taught at school… Juz Sayin’.
Imelda KACHAU says
I was so blessed today just by reading through this page on the Mantras for not taking things personally, thank you so very much. I was just battling some inner self issues on how other people do things all because to get back at me or because they hate me and after reading this I now feel really blessed. Amen. Thank you
Sage says
Thank you so so much for so beautifully adding in at the end of this post the messages about rising above the hate and violence in our world right now. You two provide wisdom and guidance that we all need more of—hoping for a huge dose of love for the world today!
Elle says
My mantra ?
Simply goes: “people are not against you, they are for themselves….” Always works to bring me back to my center 😉
Gina Muller says
Very True Elle
amu says
I live in a country(South Africa) where we daily read about corruption, failing currency, the rise of unemployment… due to poor leadership. It used to get personal hence dominating my emotions from time to time. I then decided to stop reading papers or watching tv shows that were “toxic” me and started reading books or tv shows that are empowering. This blog is one of them and I love it. Thanks for your thought provoking and empowering messages.
taostaos says
A lot of times I have confronted bad incidents in life that have made me feel vengeful. The anger is palpable. Devising methods and ways to seek vengeance, designing methods down to the last detail. Justifying each act of vengeance till I shake with the thrill of the imagined act. Then…not doing anything. Knowing I am not going to act out. And getting a small satisfaction that I did not proceed down the path. (This has to do with reaction to rape and murder and physical abuse).
Rach says
Love this!
Joe Halvarson says
I constantly beat myself up and thought I was to blame for what someone else says or how someone else treats me. People have said, “Why do you care what someone else thinks?” to me, and I’ve wondered in return, “How can you not?” Is that not how you validate yourself? Is that not how you understand if what you’re doing is right or wrong? Good or bad? Worthwhile or a waste?
I’ve finally started following some of this advice. I never realized what was meant when people said it doesn’t matter what other people think. I’m building up some self worth, some self esteem, some self empowerment. Instead of following my desires with a full heart, I’ve consistently let those who call me stupid or weird to drag me down into a pit of self analysis.
I’m finally climbing out of that pit as I recognize my right to exist.
Bette says
As a mother of teenagers, I took their behavior much too personally. As a result, my older children are distant from me. I became sarcastic and verbally abusive. I have learned too late. Learn from me.
Lacy says
Hugs to you friend
Pam says
My mother did too. It is never too late to tell your kids you love them and want things to be better. Love and peace to you.
Karen says
Thank you . Again this came at the right time to keep me grounded. Blessings
Richard Melnick says
The flip side: When the car in front of you pays your bridge toll, know their act of random kindness probably has more to do with them than you, the lucky recipient.
Remain humble.
Gina Muller says
I disagree, people do things because of their heart, not their wallets
Cynthia says
I needed this reminder today. Thank you for this. It’s never to late. And it’s not all about me.
Shaughnessy says
Awesome post! I have learned from Marc and Angel as well as the commenters. Thank you so much!!!!
Ruth says
Blessings to all those who know loss! The best is yet to be!
Joanne B. says
I am far from perfect and while I realize my positive thoughts and behavior are my just rewards for always at least trying to be the “better person”, sometimes it just gets old and sometimes I just feel like being like “them”, just to know how it feels to be selfish and inconsiderate. Is THAT selfish? The problem is, when I do behave like “them”, I know it is wrong and I don’t like myself. Why doesn’t that happen to “them”? I can’t help but feel like I am here to make others feel better about themselves.
Renee says
Because they are hurting and have given up caring…..u still care, feel and love…..it’s not you. Guard yourself but live yourself and others freely. …meaning set limits on when and how much you give but ultimately never be afraid of loving because blessings will abound. I wish u well.
Gitana says
This is a post I definitely needed to read today. I want to absorb these mantras completely for sure. Thank you for this post.
Caroline D. James | Wanderside.com says
I’ve sort of come to realize that taking things personally is part of our ego, it’s our ego telling us that we’re “so important” that other people’s actions and aggression are being done purposely to hurt us. Understanding that people’s action are done solely by their own personal mindset, even if they’re purposely doing it to hurt us, their actions come from their own personal heal or heaven, depending on the action. Which ever is the case ultimately everything we do to others we do to our own selves which means nothing others do to us is personal. Sorry, I know it sounds complicated. Great article!
Gina Muller says
Yeah well their are psychopaths out their. They are your friends right!
Caroline D. James | Wanderside says
I can´t deny that some of them are. We think we know someone just by having a conversation, but there’s so much more to people than what we think we know. Every single person is a universe of its own and we only get to know a tiny little bit of each. We don’t really know what happens in their heads. I think this is one of the most frightening thoughts that I have when I meet someone. What is going through their heads? what kind of human beings are they really? are their minds nice or are they cruel?
Caroline D. James | Wanderside says
Forgot to mention, I’ve just come across this site and I absolutely love it, great work!
Yvonne says
Just yesterday I received a blistering email. If I had allowed it to, it would have actually burned me. The author of the email raked me through the coals in telling me how I push people away with my anger. I read it, then re-read it a couple of times before responding. It surprised me that I never felt angry at what she was saying…after all, she literally attacked my character in the email. I just couldn’t get angry over her comments, even after marinating in the point she was trying to get across.. I thanked her for sharing her observation, apologized for offending her, and then asked myself if there was any truth to what she’d stated. I’d recently shared with her what I was currently facing and yes, I was angry about the situation, BUT, I’d concluded that she’d painted me with a wide paint brush. Thank God I didn’t accept her observation as gospel. Thank God for your post, #4) Take constructive criticism seriously, but not personally. Listen, and then operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
Kathy @ SMART Living 365 says
Such great reminders as usual for living a happy and peaceful life. When we realize no one can take our good away from us, and that ultimately how we react to anything is “up to us” we can start seeing that NOTHING is personal. Of course, as you say, practice makes perfect. The stronger and more confident we get with ourselves, the less we will expect others to provide that for us. ~Kathy
Audrey Maloney-Vangen says
Thank you for this, may God continue to bless you and your family. I have to say that taking things personal, is a statement that many abusers love to use , to justify their bad behavior.
I have a toxic friend who recently spent some time with me on a business trip. I did not hear from her for about a year then one day she showed up at my home. This girl have been in a lot of problems (her choice) with men , and she loves to burden me with her issues /problems when they leave her… but when things are in her favor i do not hear from her. Fast forward…I had to be in another country for business and she used to live there. I had room in a beautiful condo on a golf resort. I asked her to come with me on my business trip . She was happy did not have to pay for accommodation and i was also glad, she would have known the way to the places i needed to go better than me.
During our stay , I organized food breakfast etc..and this girl would only take and take not contributing . One night she said she would sponsor dinner Chinese. I told her just get a large box and we can share. When i saw her order the smallest box of Chinese food I could not believe.
This same girl called me a week ago, after not supporting regarding a serious issue I had , she knew someone who may have been able to help, when i spoke to her on the matter she said she would call me back and never did. However she needed to complain to me, about a guy she met. She ractically gave him her car, to use at his leisure, her home to stay , bought him everything he needed and he never shared with her. She had to tell him to leave.
What she did to me over the years is a norm…that same individual would be uncaring and not giving “to me” but when it came to her children or men she gave so much.
Not taking things personal in my opinion does not apply when there is “choice involved” people chose to treat you good or they choose to treat you bad.
The issues with the crimes against the innocent, men that rape, Hitler and his Regime who killed Jews and their families…at home those men who raped and soldiers who killed the Jews, were husbands who loved their wives and children.
Toxic people choose their victims and when they do, how can you not take it personal? they have chosen to do it to you…and you need to remove them from your life when they abuse you . So in this case… taking their behavior personal works in my Opinion. If you do not, you risk doing damage to your mental health and well being. This is my take on the topic thanks for reading.
Diane says
I totally understand your point of view Audrey but I have realized that we have take responsibility for our part. We have a choice of letting these toxic people in over and over again. We have a choice to say NO, set up boundaries or walk away from a toxic relationship. Takers will keep taking if your always available and don’t set boundaries. Remove the toxic, you deserve better and will find better when you have room for the good people.
Suyash Mishra says
It was very helpful. I can relate to the 4th point — I was having a tough time taking constructive criticism. Now I know that I should deal with it seriously rather than taking it personally. Thank you!
Barbara says
All of your articles speak to me, but this one in particular resonated with me. Unfortunately, I have spent most of my 70 years on this earth trying to please people, to gain their acceptance and approval of me, resulting in a life of sadness, loneliness, and depression. Gratefully I found Marc and Angel’s blog “by accident'” about 18 months ago. So, now I have hope that there is a better way to live.
Thank you for all of your support and encouragement! You have no idea how much you both are loved and appreciated!!!
Michael lingenfelter says
It is so great to hear that you’re found hope and a path you can follow that will day by day make you stronger. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and I hope for your continued Happiness!
Michael lingenfelter says
I find myself very quick to act when I have an idea or experience and want to share it with someone I love and they begin to not see it exactly the way I hoped they would. I end up feeling like I’m backed into a corner aggressively standing up for myself. I need to listen without judgment, understanding that they are not attacking me, rather giving their opinion about an idea
Susan says
Thank you Marc and Angel. Thank you everyone else for sharing your experiences. Practical examples teach (me) the most.
Mr_Baseball says
Honestly, I think this is something initially wasn’t a challenge for me until I simply started living, because that’s what happens. You end up meeting others that are already more jaded, cynical, and collectively more bitter than you are. The unfortunate thing about it is that is infectious, and if unchecked and change your entire outlook on life and the opportunities that come with it.
I’ve unfortunately become embittered with rejections when it comes to love to a point that while I still wouldn’t mind having a companion–I’ve given up feeling as if its impossible to find love. The reasons are endless for why I feel that it won’t happen. I always imagine whoever I may be interested in with their “ideal” partner, and they never look like me–so I don’t try anymore and I honestly….I’m in my mid 30’s…I’m almost certain that the dating pool is pretty awful. I feel that it’s “smarter” to remove myself from the potential of being hurt yet again.
I see people who after being hurt in love, continuously jump back on the wagon and try again and after what I’ve gone through (which arguably isn’t the worst of dating experiences) I just feel like its not worth it to put my time, money, and efforts in opening myself up to more likely being hurt yet again. Its hard for me to fathom that love exists anymore. I simply focus on my career because THAT I feel is more tangible than any semblance of love whatsoever. I know I’m not alone in this…However, having said that–I do realize that there’s a chance I’m “missing out” but its hard for me to really believe it enough to try again,
This article has given some insight to potentially giving love a try again. It just seems so pointless to do so. But I’ll try.
Kandace says
I love this post!
For so long I would take comments made in conversation very personal – so much so that I started to ‘protect’ myself and do almost the complete opposite. I started taking those same type of comments and never actually disgusting them. I work every day at this, finding the great middle ground and these mantras will very helpful in my continuous journey of taking things less personal.
Thanks for the great post!
Payel Dutta says
Thank u so much Marc & Angel for ur great post….
Now i have to stop and think how important it is to live life to the fullest…..Thank u so much once again.