Too often we judge people too quickly, or too subjectively. We tell ourselves stories about them without thinking it through – our perceptions and biases get the best of us. I was reminded of this today when I received the following in an email from a new course student (I’m sharing this with permission):
“…I learned the hard way that a smile can hide so much – that when you look at a person you never know what their story is or what’s truly going on in their life. This harsh reality became evident to me this morning when I found out one of my top students – always straight A’s, a positive attitude, and a smile on her face – committed suicide last night. Why? Nobody seems to know. And it’s killing me inside.”
Talk about a reality check, right?
What we tell ourselves about others – what we think we know – is often far from the truth.
And with that in mind, I’m sitting here reflecting on all the little things we have to stop telling ourselves about other people, for their sake and ours…
- We have to stop telling ourselves that the happiest people are the ones who smile the most. – Behind the polite smiles and greetings people give you, some are hurting and lonely. Don’t just come and go. See them. Care. Share. Listen. Love. We can’t always see people’s pain, but they can always feel our kindness. So be way kinder than necessary.
- We have to stop telling ourselves that the people we love are (or should be) “perfect.” – When we expect perfection we tend to overlook goodness. And the truth is, no one is perfect. At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the informed second-guess what they know. It happens to all of us too. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we fall sometimes. But that’s the worst of it… we have our moments. Most of the time we’re pretty darn good, despite our flaws. So treat the people you love accordingly – give them the space to be human.
- We have to stop telling ourselves that the people who are doing things differently are doing things wrong. – We all take different roads seeking fulfillment, joy, and success. Just because someone isn’t on your road, doesn’t mean they are lost.
- We have to stop telling ourselves that the people we disagree with (or dislike) don’t deserve our kindness. – The exact opposite is true. The way we treat people we strongly disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love, compassion, and humility. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- We have to stop telling ourselves that we can’t trust people we don’t know. – Some people build too many walls in their lives and not enough bridges. Don’t be one of them. Open yourself up. Take small chances on people. Let them prove your doubts wrong, gradually, over time.
- We have to stop telling ourselves that the rude people of the world are personally targeting us. – We can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of us. They do things because of them. And there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to us when we detach from other people’s behaviors. So just remember, the way others treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.
- We have to stop telling ourselves that other people are our excuse for being unhappy, unsuccessful, etc. – We may not be able control all the things people say and do to us, but we can decide not to be reduced by them. We can choose to forgive, or we can choose to forget. We can choose to stay, or we can choose to go. We can choose whatever helps us grow. There’s always a positive choice to make. Thus, the only real, lasting conflict you will ever have in your life won’t be with others, but with yourself… and how you choose to respond… and the daily rituals you choose to follow. (Angel and I build small, life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Dealing with People Who Deeply Offend Us
Some of the points above (like numbers 4 and 6 for example) potentially require a willingness to cordially deal with people who yell at us, interrupt us, cut us off in traffic, talk about terribly distasteful things, and so forth.
These people violate the way we think people should behave. And sometimes their behavior deeply offends us.
But if we let these people get to us, again and again, we will be upset and offended far too often.
So what can we do?
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but here are two strategies Angel and I often recommend to our course students:
- Be bigger, think bigger. – Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at this moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small, momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things that 2-year-old could do to be happy. Sure, that’s easy for us to say – we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again – this small, momentary offense seems enormous, and it makes us want to scream. We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum. However, if we think bigger, we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. So always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.
- Mentally hug them and wish them better days. – This little trick can positively change the way we see people who offend us. Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us. How dare they! Who do they think they are? They have no consideration for our feelings! But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either – they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain. They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain. And so, mentally, we can give them a hug. We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point too. We’re the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.
Try one of these strategies the next time someone offends you. And then smile in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t.
Your turn…
How have your judgments and expectations of others affected your life and relationships? Do you have any thoughts or insights to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
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Photo by: Tachina Lee
Denise says
Point #7 hits home. I remember when I used to blame everyone else for my life situation. In fact, it’s why I searched Google for articles that might help me overcome my adversities, and eventually I found your site and enrolled in your emails, course and coaching. It’s been a gradual process of small steps, but every step forward has been a healthy one. Letting go of blaming others put me back in control of my life, and I’ve been making the best of it ever since. My life is still far from perfect, but it’s a lot better than it used to be, and I’m in a much happier place.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
Congrats on the progress, Denise. You’ve worked for it, and you deserve the positive results you’ve earned. I love your sentiment too: life is far from perfect, but it’s pretty darn good. 😉
Ev Jones says
This post again reminded me of one of my favorite lines from one of Angel’s weekly email newsletters:
“Judge tenderly, if you have to. There is often a side of then story you have not heard, a chapter you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.”
And I could not agree more with what’s said in both that quote and in the sentiment of this post as a whole. I used to judge everyone too quickly — and doing so held me back in many ways. But I’m over that period of my life — I’m doing my best to keep a broad perspective these days.
Marc Chernoff says
Glad that quote from our newsletter resonated with you, Ev. 🙂
Sammy says
Love it! M&A’s emails and corresponding posts never disappoint! Such incredible perspective all around.
I especially appreciated the part of this one on dealing with people who offend you. Needed that.
Izzy says
Beautiful post, and definitely something I needed today. I’ve been so judgmental of myself recently it’s started to affect the way I treat others. Both of which are wrong.
David Rapp says
Me, too! I try very hard to apply any lists like this to myself first. I have a long history of self-blame, so anything I can do to remind myself not to find fault or forgive myself is a good thing.
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent perspective. These principles can certainly be directed inward too.
Jaime Leigh says
What a wonderful post! All seven points are spot on! I would love to see more people doing #7 and #4: Stop blaming others and if someone disagrees with your point of view, it really is ok. Kindness matters for everyone. Thank you for such a great post!
Rochelle says
Ok, yes, all 7 are truly thoughts to live by.
Shirl says
Great post and I know everything you say in it is right BUT I have always had difficulties with people at work. And even at my age, 59, I’ve never known how to deal with it. For example I got my self a nice part time job in my mid 50s. But there was someone there (As there as always been in new jobs) who was being unkind, picking and finding fault where nothing was wrong, telling me not to do this and that when I was only using my common sense to make things run smoother and so on. Now I didn’t retaliate or anything but at the same time, I didn’t know how to handle my feelings re this persons behaviour and I didn’t know how to handle them either. So to be fair. I felt like I’d failed myself again. I know it stems from the relationship I had with my dad who was always critical and negative towards me, bullying me if I made a mistake. My reaction was either to back off or try and tell him my version of events but that got me nowhere of course. So now when I encounter this in a job, I fall apart inside, not knowing how to handle my feelings or the other person who is finding fault with me and being unkind and unhelpful. What do you suggest since I’ve never gotten over this. Thanks for listening.
Marc Chernoff says
Have you read this post of taking things personally? : http://www.marcandangel.com/2016/07/10/7-mantras-that-will-stop-you-from-taking-things-personally/
I think learning to detach yourself of other people’s negative behavior is a smart place to start.
Kelley says
In The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane she offers an interesting technique to dealing with rude people. (I’m paraphrasing here.) Imagine that each person you come into contact with is an Angel who’s been sent to teach you a lesson in some small way. So when a person is acting toward you in a rude/crass manner visualize them with a halo and large pair of beautiful angel’s wing unfurling out behind them and think to yourself what is the lesson I’m being taught in this situation? Patience? Assertiveness? Confidence? Diplomacy?
Hope y’all find that of use sometimes.
Marc Chernoff says
Interesting exercise. Thank you for sharing this, Kelley.
Anita says
Good morning Marc and Angel. I have a situation that is gaughing at me and I haveing a lot of difficulty with it. Our daughter passed away not quite 9 weeks ago. That in itself is hard enough. Our daughter was close to her aunt, my sister. Over the years a LOT of very upsetting things have happened and we choose to just not speak or come in contact with her or her husband. They have both been played their parts in too many negitive situations in our lives.
My sister was told through a friend that she was welcome at the Sevice but not in our home following the service. This happened 8 days after her passing and my sister was coming to our home helping and bring food. I was at this point not pushing anyone away! We both let the pass go for the moment.
My husband was afraid at the celebration of her life at our home she would start telling all of our friends and family that our daughters death was our fault. She was not above this in the past. At this point was when I asked a friend to let her know she was welcome to come and pay her respects at the service but please don’t come to our home afterwards. She chose not to come to either one. I understand how she must have felt and I am struggleing with how much she was helping in the first few days and then told not to come back. THIS is my struggle.
The evening of the service she started to text our son telling him how upset she was and how my husband and I have been going around for years telling lies about both of them.( My sister and her husband). This is so not true. The stories are bad enough in them selves. We don’t need to lie.
I understand her pain BUT on the night of our daughters service she tries to turn our only living child against us???? Really!? I want to go just blast her but I know this is not the right thing to do but I am having so much trouble letting yet another one of her moves go. Especially this on the day of our daughters funeral.
Any suggestions??
Marc Chernoff says
Look at the article I linked to in reply to Shirl’s comment above. I think learning to detach yourself from other people’s negativity is a good place to start. Easier said than done, of course, but read that post and give it a try.
Dr Neeta says
Appreciate your post. Very self informative.
I loved Mentally appreciate & hug them, very true.
Thank you to add values into our lives……
Stan says
#5 really hits home with me. Over the years, I have been victimized by trusting people so often that I finally got to where I didn’t trust anyone. I still like people, I just did not let myself be vulnerable. It has helped me to not be victimized, but it has also isolated me from close relationships, which is a result I was not seeking. I will start trying to trust others with small things, and perhaps when I see that nothing bad happens to me, I will start trusting more again.
In regard to dealing with people who offend, I try to always smile and be polite to everyone, even on days when I don’t feel like doing it. Sometimes when someone smiles back at me, it really makes my day. I hope I do the same for them. I do admit that some days the Serenity Prayer, and the Prayer of St. Francis are the only things that get me through.
Sandy says
To the teacher whose student took her life, suicide reflects much deeper issues than anyone else can help at times. People wear masks and some are very good actors. Robin Williams is a good example. He brightened everyone else’s world while trying to fend off darkness in himself. Depression can be physically created and sometimes meds don’t work for every individual. There is still much to learn. My son’s roommate in college was that person she described, good student, bright, fun to be with. None of the roommates knew he was suicidal that day he took his life and they lived with him. Sometimes there are only questions with no tidy explanations and we must learn to accept the reality without trying or being able to figure it out. I’m so sorry for the sorrow of the teacher and all those affected by suicide. I’m so sorry for those who suffer from depression, and ask them to hang on one more day, as that may be the day that turns it around. I’ve been there in the past myself so I do understand your swamping feelings that can overtake me sometimes. I’ve had to work with preparing for those days so I can remember when it comes that there will be another day and will lift. And seek medical help. Make that call, reach out on that 700lb telephone and try one more time. People care and are affected by your decisions and you are worth it even if it doesn’t seem like it’s worth it today.
Love and light to all the sufferers in the world, which is all of us really at one time or another.
Monica Lewis says
Thank you!!
Rachael says
” We can’t always see people’s pain but they can always feel our Kindness.” That pretty much sums it up right there.
Awesome
Jane says
We need to stop telling ourselves that people without children have more time & money. That people without children are selfish and don’t need our love understanding and compassion. They are fighting hard battles as well. And we need to stop telling ourselves that parents have the most work etc.
kagiso says
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing these thoughts. I appreciate it.
Thierry says
Marc
This is another good article to read on my morning when nobody has arrived to work yet. This is quiet and reading your article make you think. I like all the points especially #7. I am meeting so many people who are blaming all the time others and finding some excuses for them not being happy, successful, wealthy, … I have understood about 15 years ago when I started investing in properties that I was building my wealth myself and 15 years after, I have accumulated quite a reasonable Investment Property pool asset as well as family home. People are telling me: I would like to do the same, how did you do it? I just reply: Be educated and have the guts to do it. So don’t blame me for my success, blame you for not taking action in your life.
Look forward to your next article.
Mara says
Beautiful post like usual.
Love u M&A and … thank you!
Jonas Salzgeber says
#4 is what I want to work on. Great advice. thx!
Amelia says
Thank you for your insight and advice. I am at a difficult stage. My girls have flown the nest, my late husband left the Estate in a mess. I am in a dead-end job and in this less than stable economy, moving on is hard and prospects are slim. I feel old and tired and fearful. A lot is beyond my control. To add to my distress like the romantic fool I am I am deeply in love with a man who swept me off my feet. A good, caring man with a warped and strange way of giving and taking. Of treating me like a queen and then like a prostitute. Of caring and then turning his back. I am in the process of trying to mentally detach, to gain strength to face him (we are co-workers). I do not need abuse but I want care and friendship. How do I walk way without having a full blown fight? How do I detach and not show my hurt? Yes, he might be struggling with issues, but how can people rip out another’s heart in this way and then have the ability to make you feel like the idiot? To forgive him and heal myself is going to be hard. I am a fool. All I enjoy and love has been put on hold because of my short sightedness in allowing this man to poison me. Time to love myself again, but how?
Miriam says
Amelia,
This is a long post but hopefully something in it will be of help.
I was in a nearly identical romantic situation in this past January. It was not a co-worker so I told the man I was leaving town for another job. This was untrue but I said it to save myself – save myself from going further down that dead end road with him. I was weak and I needed to deter him from contacting me. It worked. It allowed me to have time to focus on what I really wanted at this stage of my life. Without realizing it, I had actually been at a huge turning point in my life and he had become the distraction that kept me from facing some tough issues.
I also realized that the problem was timing – I had met him when I was at a really low point in my life and therefore was lacking the self-respect/boundaries needed to prevent myself from getting involved with that type of man.
Now advice for you:
It might seem like stating the obvious but lose the man and work on yourself. Forget about trying to forge a friendship with him. Forget about trying to analyze why he acts the way he does. Forget about trying to understand him. Just cut ties. No matter how difficult that sounds you must find a way to do it.
Remember, time spent on this man is time taken away from finding a different one – one who will treat you well. (Or, it is time taken away from____________ – you fill in the blank with whatever you’d rather be doing at this point in your life – you decide.)
Perhaps, he swept you off your feet because you were at a weak point in your life and not simply because you’re romantic. Ask yourself this: he may appear “good and caring” to you right now but if you had met him at a different time in your life, at a time when you were feeling stronger as a person, would you have still viewed him as a good and caring man? Would your stronger self have been attracted to this type of man?
If the answer is “no” then remind yourself of this every time you see him. Every time. Make it a mantra i.e. “your stronger self would never fall for this type of man”. And then make it your goal to become strong again.
Use this time away from him to nurture and take care of yourself. Re-frame things in a more positive light. Focus not on what you can’t do but rather on what you can, even if it’s only something small. (Baby steps.) Even though you feel like a lot is beyond your control right now, try to put that feeling in perspective – is this feeling just a temporary thing or is it a constant thing in your life? Then deal with it accordingly. There are choices you may have to make, you may not like them, they may not be easy but they are always there and only you can decide when and how you’re going to make them.
Since he is your co-worker, perhaps conveniently being busy or unavailable EVERY TIME he wants to chat/get together/whatnot might work for you. (Use the “broken record” technique.)
If you do have to directly say something to him, then perhaps you could try saying you’ve become really busy lately and don’t have the time for ANY romantic relationships right now – and then go and busy yourself with other activities, friends etc. to help you mentally and physically move forward in your life. Busy yourself with other things – this is the key. Don’t give in to anything he might say to hook you back in. Keep busy.
Perhaps start with the estate. If the mess of the estate seems overwhelming, try to deal with it in phases or smaller steps. Deal with that first, if you can, and get it out of the way – you will feel much better when done.
Next, address your job situation. Get creative and try to find a way to make it better. Try to think outside of the box. If you can’t change jobs, can you open some sort of small business on the side perhaps? Or something online – a blog, website etc?
Finally, take this time to try new things in life, discover new interests etc. and you’ll be in a much better place emotionally for when you finally do meet Mr. Right.
Lauret says
Thank you so much. You guys are such amazing, awesome and great gifts to our generation. I love you both.
Heather Caliri says
This post so deeply reminds me of the quote, “Be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle.” It is ALWAYS worth it to walk in love.
Lorna De Jesus says
Thanks for the good advice, and now I know that it will take time for me to forgive and forget….but i will try my best…