This is one of the most important posts I could ever write for you.
It’s super simple, but absolutely vital.
Recently, Marc and I had a conversation with our friend Thanh about the importance of establishing healthy, positive, supportive relationships. This is a topic that fascinates us, and it’s something we know a lot about.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts and emails, Marc and I met Thanh at a business conference in Las Vegas some years back. We hit it off as friends almost immediately – there was lots of synergy between our interests in personal development and in expanding our entrepreneurial business ventures.
But the kicker is the immense (and immediate) positive impact Thanh’s friendship has had on both our personal and professional growth.
The undeniable truth became crystal clear to us rather quickly: Who you associate with makes all the difference in your life.
In many ways we, as human beings, are like Koi fish. The Koi fish grows in proportion to its environment. If you keep it in a small bucket of water, it grows to only a few of inches in length. But if you let it loose in the wild it can grow up to two feet long.
So are you like the Koi fish that has been kept in a small bucket? Is your environment and social network stifling your personal and professional growth?
If so, how do you make changes and build healthier relationships?
During our conversation with Thanh, all three us agreed that it’s not hard to build and nurture healthy relationships as long as you are willing to uphold three essential rituals for doing so:
1. Practice walking alone on your own two feet.
Ironically, the prerequisite to building healthy relationships is being comfortable when you’re all by yourself.
Appreciating solitude starts with the conscious awareness of the freedom it brings. When you enjoy your own company you don’t need others around for the mere sake of having others around. You can be flexible about who you choose to spend time with, instead of letting your fear of being alone suck you into social situations and relationships that aren’t right for you.
With that said, however, journeying through life on your own two feet is a learning process – you become stronger as you go. It’s like a kid who can’t find her way home when she’s alone – doing it the first few times is daunting and scary, but in the long run she’s safer and better off having learned the way.
So just remember, it’s always better to learn to stand on your own two feet and walk alone when you must, rather than have someone carry you around your whole life. And once you are reasonably self-sufficient, then relying on someone else from time to time is an act of inner strength, not weakness.
2. Practice generosity – find little ways to help people.
Be friendly and introduce yourself to someone new when the opportunity arises. Come from a place of generosity. Focus on how you can help them. Do you have information that could benefit them? Do you have a skill that could assist them through their current situation? Do you know someone who they should meet?
One of the best investments you can make in yourself is to take a genuine interest in other people. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.
Ultimately, the happiest and most successful people are always looking for ways to help others, while the unhappiest and most unsuccessful people are still asking, “What’s in it for me?”
3. Practice putting yourself out there in the right social settings.
The best places to plant new seeds of friendship are at organized events covering particular topics that interest you. For example, a good event might be a community focus group, a professional association meeting, a fitness class, a weekly group meditation hour, or any other gathering of people who share common values and goals.
And since you’re on a personal development blog right now reading this article, attending a life-enhancing personal development conference, like Think Better, Live Better, would also be a great social setting to make some new connections.
The bottom line is that finding the right group of people that share your values and goals may require some time and effort, but it’s worth it. Finding a community of like-minded souls is the most effective component in building positive, lasting relationships.
Next Steps for Building New, Healthy Relationships
If the aforementioned points make sense to you, but you’re still struggling with what seems to be unhealthy, unsupportive relationships in your life, then I have a suggestion for you:
Make a list of the five people you spend the most time with and your top three personal/professional values and goals. Then compare the lists.
Are the people you spend the most time with congruent with your values and goals?
Are YOU and your daily rituals congruent with your values and goals?
If not, it’s time to make some positive changes – it’s time to get comfortable (and proficient) standing on your own two feet, reaching out to others with a helping hand, and meeting some brand new, like-minded people that can bring positive energy into your life.
A few years ago, Marc and I actually moved from San Diego to Austin to live near Thanh and other inspiring, like-minded entrepreneurs in the personal development niche because we knew we needed to be surrounded by the right people and energy while we were making some significant lifestyle and business changes. And let me assure you, we experienced incredible, productive breakthroughs of it!
The bottom line is that you need to get your mindset and rituals in order, and spend more time in a positive environment with positive people.
To help you make these positive changes, Marc and I have decided to team up with Thanh and 15 other world-class personal development experts to bring you…
Think Better, Live Better 2017 – A two-day live training event that I guarantee will be the right place and time to meet the right people, and set into motion a set of positive rituals and relationships that will change your life. (Note: you can watch short clips from our 2016 event here and here.)
Find out more about Think Better, Live Better 2017 HERE.
Your turn…
We would love to hear from YOU.
So let’s revisit the questions presented above:
- Are the people you spend the most time with congruent with your goals and values?
- Are YOU and your daily rituals congruent with your goals and values?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Rachel says
Angel and Marc, for me the answer to both questions, until recently, was no. For the longest time I did not spend enough time around people who support my ambitions, and I also did not dedicate nearly enough attention to working on the goals that matter to me. One of the things I learned from your coaching and course is that I don’t have to exile unsupportive people/family from my life to make room for others who do support me. I’ve taken your advice and simply shifted my focus a bit–and made it a priority to focus a little more on the relationships and activities that support my growth.
Looking forward to your Think Better event in February too.
Angel Chernoff says
Excellent work, Rachel. Looking forward to seeing you in Feb.
Bev says
I simply love when your newest posts arrive in my inbox when I’m needing a little healthy self-reflection. This one reminds me that my own inner strength is a vital part of the healthy relationships I’m attempting to build and maintain with others. It’s an aspect of my relationships that I often forget. I’m good with #2–being generous to others–but I often neglect my own needs and growth in the process.
Thank you for the continued guidance. I just just purchased two copies of your book for my adult children, so I can indirectly give them with the gift of self-reflection that you’ve given to me.
Angel Chernoff says
Thank you for supporting our work. I hope your children appreciate it as much as you do. 😉
Wayne Destin says
Thank you for reminding me of two age-old truths:
– who you spend time with matters
– investing in yourself matters
Like Rachel mentioned above, the answers to both of your questions have been “no” for me in the past too. But the good news is I have been making progress in the both areas. More consciousness on my relationships and my self-care. Thank you again for sharing these reminders.
Also, I hope to make it to your next live event because, in this expansive digital age, I think live, analog, face-to-face interactions are absolutely vital to our growth as human beings.
Angel Chernoff says
You are welcome, Wayne. 🙂
Billie says
I love this ! Btw I am in Austin TX too!
It is such a great city to live in.
Mathew David says
You are so darn right! These should be in mind to considering the new relationship. Thanks for sharing the awesome and useful tips.
Janice mathur says
Thank you so much. I have learned so much from you and it gives me so much consolation and peace just reading about what you send us.
I am having a slight problem. Why is it that everyday I have a very intuitive feeling as though someone is doing something behind my back to harm me mentally and I feel as though this person does not want me around in this house. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I try to be as positive as I can but this little feeling keeps nudging at me.
Well my husband and I live together in this home and we have been married for 45 years. My mother in law has also been living with us ever since. She does not like me one bit. Ever since we got married she has hated me from the on-start. My husband and I have two beautiful kids and awesome grandkids and still my mother in law can’t stand me. I need help from this situation. It is causing me to wonder when will this all stop.
Thank you
Angelina says
A slight problem?!
I should think you’d run as fast, as far and as soon as you can to get out of this horrible problem of ages (in more than one way)…
What about your husband, her son?
LadyDi says
Lady DiYes. I have had to stop family members from coming to my home because of the negative comments and language they use.
These people make negative comments about TV and commercials. I have grandbabies and I love them. This is not acceptable in my home.
Yes, I have surrounded myself with positive and nurturing people. When negative comes around we dismiss it quickly. And move on to the next positive level. Thank you Jesus for Grace and Mercy.
Regards,
Tree (hoping to grow) says
It is so difficult to have the confidence to invest in yourself when you lived in a dysfunctional childhood for 22 years. What happens is you put all your effort into your children and family and home to make an environment you never had, the family you never had, the idea of “mrs cleaver” Now, the kids are raised, out of the house, and I am stuck with just me… I gave everything I never got and made sure they had love and I am stuck with just me… husband has his profession and I put everything into everyone and I am stuck with just me… and I don;t know how to do for me.
Kimberly Annette Roberts says
I also grew up in an unstable and unhealthy home. My father passed away when I was 7yrs old. His passing left me and my 3 older brothers with my mom who remarried twice and dated several other men. The first man she married was a drug addict, alcohol, thief and refused to hold a job. He would dig through trash for things to sell for cash (this was his “job”). He beat my mom, physically abused my brothers, attempted to sexually Abuse me, took everything we had including what my daddy had left for us and then had the nerve to shoot himself in the side when my mom finally left him and told the cops my mom did it!! Thankfully she was at work and had proof!
Her second husband was 13yrs younger than she was but he was a good guy. He seemed like a family oriented man and we did a lot of things together. He had a son about 10yrs younger than me so I took care of him a lot. The only problem was he was a 24/8 alcoholic who was usually pretty well at handling it but when he got angry…. he tore everything in site apart! He never hit mom or us but he tore up everything in the house, busted doors, windows, holes in walls, broke sentimental items. Each time this happened I was so terrified I would run to a neighbor house, I didn’t care if I knew them! We moved a lot so I got to know a lot of people this way. My anxiety was and is horrible.
Because of all of this I swore I would never do anything like this to my children! Even moving around like we did. I went to so many schools (3 in one year), I promised my kids I would never do that to them!
Unfortunately my marriage failed after 6 3/4yrs and although I was engaged I didn’t remarry. I ended up devoting my life to my children completely. Since 2008 I have not dated at all, I wanted to be here for my children and I didn’t have time to work, date and then my children. My children come first! They always will!!
Now my youngest is 17, although he has a mild social and mental delay he is almost grown and I won’t be needed anymore. What happens then? I don’t have friends, I don’t even communicate with their father because of his wife, she doesn’t like him speaking to me. I feel lost and alone!
Ann C says
I admire you for making your children your priority. Now it’s time to start thinking about you. What kind of hobbies would you like to develop? Other interests, movies, volunteering, travel, classes? Try things new to you. I took a painting class, and no I’m not good at it but it’s fun. Meeting new people to have in your life can be scary as well as difficult but I met a couple ladies at a painting class and we just clicked. I hope you will spend some time investing in your happiness. Marc and Angel are a great place to start.
Cindy Thomas says
Very practical and healthy relationship reminders and strategies. Thank you, you emails always arrive in my inbox at the right time.
I especially loved the point about learning to appreciate your own company. That’s something I need to work on. Because sometimes when I’m stressed out about being alone, and so I end up hanging with the wrong people.
Diane says
A friend pointed me in your direction and I need to say, ” Thank you”. This mailing is so needed now. I’m just starting my journey of self discovery and self reliance. I have to say, the journey has been scary to date. Thank you for your wonderful guidance. It really hit home today as I read the words. Re-building my life has been a struggle. I am trying.
Thank you so much,
Diane
.
Angel Chernoff says
You are welcome, Diane. 🙂
Elizabeth says
How timely, this complements what I’m working through with my therapist. After 20 yrs of marriage, spouse wth serious chronic health issues and recent medical crisis, resulting in current separation- I find myself trying to live on my own again and rediscover what I like to do, what’s enjoyable, what feeds my heart and mind and soul. Tough days. But essential. Thanks for a glimmer of encouragement that I’m on a right path. Who knows where it will lead, I hope to a reconciliation of some kind, but the pieces won’t go back together in the same way. Feeling guilt for not standing by my spouse ‘in sickness’. But I’m unwilling to shrink myself any longer. I’m afraid there will be nothing left of me. Timely post for where I am today, thank you.
Ann C says
Prayers for you and your spouse. Being on your own after a long time marriage is hard. But giving to the point beyond empty is serious too. I’m glad you have found this site.
Kathleen says
I absolutely LOVE when one of your e-mails hits me right between the eyes. This weekend, I actually spent some time thinking about who I “hang out” with, and why….one thing is for sure: time for me to learn how to say no, and start focusing on ME a little more. When I’m around people who are not in alignment with my values, beliefs, goals, quality of life, I can really tell by the negative self-talk that wakes me up at 3:00am on a Monday morning and keeps pounding away at me.
I’m okay with being alone; actually it’s probably better, because then I don’t interact with others who drag me down.
Thank you for this wonderful post – I am keeping it because I know I’m going to be re-reading it again and again.
D Clark says
This article is on time . I have been the “quiet” one in the room for too long and I want to break out & be more social. Yes , I do have a family but it’s past time to discover myself. Thank you for this article that provides a good starting point.
Becca says
I have found myself spending time with those that are positive which in turn encourages me to think and feel the same. It feels great!
Too, I spend time by myself due to my roomie working most nights. Sometimes I get lonely but most times I cherish it. I enjoy the peace and while I don’t reflect on the changes I detect in me all the time, I know I have grown by reading and re-reading your posts.
Thank you!
Evans Agbenyegah says
Hurray, Marc and Angel! I’ve good news! I’ve now got the book I ordered. Thank you very much for the efforts you’ve put in getting it to me. You’ve really proven that you practice determination, purposefulness, resoluteness and all the other virtues you teach us on your blog.
As for this post, it’s just spot on. Long live http://www.marcandangel.com.
Milan says
Thanks. This post helped put some things in perspective.
Rianne Del Carmen says
This was a very helpful post, especially for people going into a new relationship. Reading this, I noticed what I can do to improve my relationship with my boyfriend as well as my friends. Thank you!
Jackson says
Was just thinking about this early today!
Often my mind gets so caught up in the results of my communication making it a challenge to leave space for actually enjoying the communication.
Thanks for bringing a bit more light to the situation!