This afternoon I took my son, Mac, to the community playground. As I was chatting with another parent, I looked over and saw Mac’s eyes welling up with tears. I ran over to him and asked what was wrong, but all he could do at that moment was quiver his bottom lip. So I turned to a young teenage girl swinging on the swings and asked her to tell me what happened. She explained that two bullies had been teasing Mac and calling him names for the past few minutes. “I told them to stop,” she said. “But they kept calling him smelly and telling all the other little kids that he pooped in his pants. And then all the other little kids stopped playing with him. Those bullies are so mean!”
I felt my heart aching and racing at the same time. “Where are those bullies now?” I asked.
Mac suddenly spoke up. “They ran away when I started crying,” he said through his tears.
I thanked the teenage girl, picked Mac up, and carried him to a nearby picnic table. Initially, even though I was fuming inside, I just wanted to cheer Mac up. So I quickly told him a few of my favorite kid-friendly jokes until, thankfully, I was able to get a genuine giggle out of him. Then I pulled two dark chocolate bars out of my pocket, handed one to him, and said, “Cheers!” He smiled and gave me a huge hug. And I relaxed a bit, knowing that he was sincerely feeling better.
A few minutes later I asked Mac what bothered him most about what had happened on the playground. Even though he’s only three years old, I know Mac is a tough kid who’s incredibly well spoken and mature for his age. He usually doesn’t cry, or even pay much attention, when random bullies start misbehaving and acting foolishly.
“I don’t smell and I didn’t poop in my pants,” he explained. “But those two mean bullies lied about me, and everybody looked at me with a yucky face and believed them. Then nobody wanted to play with me; I had no friends.”
Again, tears started welling up in his eyes. And again, my heart began to ache and race. I could feel Mac’s pain. I’ve certainly felt his kind of pain in my own life too. And just as I was about to tell Mac it was time to teach those two bullies a lesson they’d never forget, I remembered the words of my late grandmother. Many moons ago, when I was going through a similar situation in elementary school, she told me, “Those bullies just want to make you feel bad all day long. That’s their goal. And if you continue to feel bad about their foolish antics, they win. However, if you let go of their foolish antics, and instead focus on feeling good and helping other people feel good, you win. There’s always a winner in these situations. And it’s always your choice.”
I did my best to gracefully reiterate my grandmother’s wisdom to Mac. And he sat quietly and listened intently, as his tears gradually dried up. Then he gave me another huge hug and said, “Thank you, Daddy. I feel good now. I win!”
The Art of Handling Difficult People
Regardless of our age or social status, there will always be some difficult people out there who want nothing more than to bully and belittle us. Sometimes they’re colleagues at work, sometimes they’re people in our neighborhoods, sometimes they’re those mean kids on the playground…
And just as difficult people will always exist in the world, so too will our power to choose how we respond to them. Do we let them make their pain our own? Or do we choose to transform that pain into personal growth and strength? Do we let them win? Or do we choose to win?
It’s hard to make wise choices in the heat of the moment. But when we choose to win and transform pain into personal growth and strength, we aren’t just improving our own lives, we’re also improving the lives of the people we love, and the people who look up to us.
With that said, however, sometimes handling difficult people—and “winning”—is, well, difficult! Angel and I have worked with hundreds of course students and coaching clients over the past decade who were struggling through this very predicament. And gradually, we guided them through several smart yet simple strategies that work wonders. I want to briefly review a few of these strategies with you today, in hopes that you find value in them too…
- Practice detaching yourself from other people’s bias opinions. — You may not be able control all the things people say and do, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. The way people treat you is their problem, how you respond internally is yours. What you need to remember is that the things people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, biases and past experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re disgusting, again, is more about them and how they view the world. Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things too personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and insight as your guide.
- Wish them well and move forward with your day. — Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them. Realize that there’s no reason to expect others to treat you the way you treat them—not everyone has the same heart as you. Meditate on that. Let it sink in. Ultimately, the real test is being kind to unkind people. And yes, you can always stand tall and be sincerely kind to people you strongly disagree with. Remind yourself that you never know what someone has been through in their life, or what they’re going through today. Just do your best to be kind, generous, and respectful, no mater what. Truth be told, all the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby. And that’s the tragedy of living. So when people are rude and difficult, be mindful—be your best. Give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.
- Model the behavior you want to see. — When someone insists on foisting their hostility and drama on you, be an example of a pure existence. Ignore their outlandish antics and focus on compassion. Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of love, with the best intentions. Use your voice for good, to inspire, to encourage, to educate, and to spread the type of behavior you want to see in others. This, of course, is much easier said than done. It takes long-term practice. Even with decades of practice behind me, I sometimes catch myself being rude to people who are rude to me—I behave badly because they behaved badly. And even if the situation is absolutely their fault, my behavior only escalates the situation. So I do my best to take a deep breath and set a good example of how to deal with anger and frustration. I try to be patient and compassionate with them—to demonstrate a positive way of handling difficult people. And doing so always helps me make progress, even if it’s not instantaneous.
- Take positive control of negative conversations. – It’s okay to change the topic, talk about something positive, or steer conversations away from pity parties, drama, and self-absorbed sagas. Be willing to disagree with difficult people and deal with the consequences. Some people really don’t recognize their own difficult tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior. You can actually tell a person, “I feel like you ignore me until you need something.” You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away: “I’m trying to focus on positive things. What’s something good we can talk about?” It may work and it may not, but your honesty will help ensure that any communication that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground. (Angel and I build honest, mindful communication rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries. — Practice becoming aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you cannot help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up.
- Make extra time for yourself. — Difficult people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are obviously hard to handle. They want others to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves. And you may feel pressured to listen to their complaints simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their emotional drama. If you are forced to live or work with a difficult person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of relentless moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, their toxic attitude can infect you. So remember that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of our book.)
- Let them know that you, respectfully, do not care. — This one is essentially a last resort. If you’ve tried your best to communicate respectfully with a difficult person, or to gracefully distance yourself from them, but they insist on following you around and attacking you for whatever reason, it’s time to speak up and tell them that their words are meaningless. In such situations, I challenge you to make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.” Say it to anyone who relentlessly passes public judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are. And remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. Some people will inevitable judge you no matter what you do, and that’s OK. You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.
Afterthoughts… On Good People & Setting An Example
It doesn’t help to tame all the difficult people in your life if you’re not ready to foster genuine relationships with good people. On occasion, you may find that the difficulties between you and someone else drain away rather quickly when you start being less difficult yourself. Honestly, I’m not trying to preach; this is something I’m working on in my own life—it’s a lifelong practice.
Make that first call, offer a genuine compliment, schedule a fun outing with another person’s preferences in mind, send that ridiculously funny text message for no real reason—there are tons of ways to nurture relationships with good people who are worth the extra effort and sacrifice. And when good people and good intentions surround you, it’s amazing how unnecessary pettiness, toxicity, and difficulty simply evaporates from your conscious awareness.
This really goes back to the point above on modeling the behavior you want to see. Just as light will dispel darkness, your light can be a shining example to everyone around you…including those who mean well but don’t realize their difficult tendencies. And even though you’ll likely need to limit your exposure to some people, don’t underestimate the possibility that your example may influence them for the greater good, one way or the other, in the long run.
Your turn…
How have difficult people affected your life and relationships? Do you have any additional thoughts or insights to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Kristina Flour
Therese F. says
Thanks for this post, Marc & Angel. For the longest time difficult people held me back. Or better yet, I didn’t spend enough time around others who supported my ambitions, and I also didn’t dedicate enough of my attention to working on the things that mattered to me. One of the important lessons I learned from your coaching and course is that I don’t have to exile unsupportive friends and family from my life to make room for other good people who do support me. I’ve put your advice into practice and simply shifted my focus a bit. I’ve made it a daily priority to focus a little more on the relationships and activities that support the growth I want to see in my life.
Looking forward to your next Think Better event in San Diego too.
Rhonda L. says
That’s an interesting way to put it, “exile,”also called “no contact.” I recently had to cut off communication with a family member. We were stuck in a toxic vicious cycle in relating to each other because of my pain and her mental narcissistic fire-setting. I want to let this person back in my life on a limited basis, but haven’t known how to do it. Shifting the focus, and knowing I have good people around me who appreciate what I can do for them, and overlook my failings is giving me courage to be my best self in future encounters. I will have ideas on how to view her little rude comments. Sometimes being a medium chilled “gray rock” is the recommended course. I’m actually grateful for the negative experience I have had with her, because it has revealed the ways that I’m difficult myself.
This piece is so helpful, Marc, thank you. And thank you, Therese, for your comments.
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Rhonda.
Marc Chernoff says
It’s great to hear you’re making progress, Therese. And we’re looking forward to seeing you in San Diego! 🙂
Amelia says
This article forced me to open my eyes. You see , I was one of those people who was relentlessly, emotionally draining . Didn’t really know how bad I was killing my friendships. I’m in the process of changing my ways….. BCUZ , it’s not alway ALL about me and my
PROBLEM?? P.S Thank You
Dennis says
I absolutely love when your newest blog posts arrive in my email box when I’m in need of some healthy self-reflection. This one reminds me that most arguments aren’t worth having, and that my own inner strength is a vital part of the healthy relationships I’m attempting to maintain with others. Difficult people, and difficult moments, will always come up, but they don’t have to defeat me. Excellent reminders!
Michelle Stevens says
I just wanted to leave a quick comment and say thank you, Marc! I read your weekly posts, and even read excerpts from your 1000 Things book as positive morning affirmations, but I’ve never left a comment here say thanks. So THANK YOU and keep being a source of hope and healthy guidance to others. My attitude, relationships, and life in general have benefitted greatly. Honestly, the difficult people in my life have gotten a lot easier to deal with, as I’ve gradually learned better ways of coping from you and Angel.
Renee says
Wow. Thank you so much for this post. It is so timely. I have been dealing with a difficult business partner all weekend and I had to remind myself not to be rude just because he was being rude. It is easy to become rude to other rude people; their negative attitude can get to us so easily unless we decide to not let it, and this is really a lifetime practice. I love how realistic you are Marc. I had to calm down and become the ‘bigger person’ by responding positively and I believe it was a good example from me. Takes slot of practice and determination handling difficult people in this life.
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome, Michelle. And thanks for supporting our work. 🙂
Frank A. says
It is basically FORGIVENESS. If one does not forgive, you cannot escape the captivity of the offending person.
Marc Chernoff says
Agreed!
Ramkumar sony says
I am so thankful to you.
Very well it is written and English words are so easy to understand.
I am sure this will bring good changes in my life.
Thanks!
Yvonne says
This is an excellent post. My children are grown up now, but I would always tell them that people who feel good about themselves help other people feel good about themselves. So, when someone is mean to you, they’re telling you that they don’t feel good about themselves, so it has nothing to do with you and you can feel sorry for them. You can tell them how their actions made you feel, but if the behaviour doesn’t change, it’s okay to walk away. For myself, growing up where there were no boundaries, I’ve had to learn to put healthy boundaries up, and some days I’m more successful than others.
Marc Chernoff says
Well stated, Yvonne. Boundaries are crucial.
Paul Henzey says
Words of wisdom. I’m going to read this post a few times. Well thought out and written! Marc and Angel, your blog postings are one-of-a-kind, just the very best out there. The way you combine mindfulness techniques, positive cognitive approaches, and heartfelt sincerity, compassion, and love with plain ole common sense is simply wonderful. I too look forward to your emails each day. Thank you for all that you give to others!
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the kind feedback, Paul.
Erik says
Great stuff I thoroughly enjoyed
Ellen Riley says
Hello Marc and Angel,
I was bullied in elementary and high school. I was the oldest of four siblings and the smallest. Being shy didn’t help either. I tried to ignore them, but they got right up in my face, blocking me from what I was doing. Rather than say a nasty remark back to them, I asked them to please take my lunch tray, empty trash and return it to the bin. They walked away quickly and only tried to harras me one more time and I did the same request. They moved to another table and never bothered me again. I used similar techniques in other situations, and I always won. You told your son the truth about toxic people. He’s young and has two of the best role models anyone could want.
Marc Chernoff says
Sorry to hear about your past experience with bullying, Ellen. Surely, though, it made you stronger.
And thank you for the positive reinforcement. 🙂
Tera says
Thank you for your amazing insights and practical tips! I am a new fan and have already received your book. I am still considering your program. Until then I savor each of your blog article and look forward to waking up to your gift.
Aman Anand says
Thank you! 🙂
Kate says
I had a situation where someone I don’t know was angry with something I did (and probably rightly so). I offered to talk about it, and address this person’s concerns but they weren’t having it. Under different fake social media accounts (and by telephone), they continued to harass me. Since I was partially in the wrong (and felt bad about it), I allowed this person to continue harassing me. I finally said my piece months (I was still direct and civil) and voila, the harassment stopped.
Karen says
Love this post!!! So many people need help in learning how to protect themselves from unhappy people!
We can’t control what other people may say or do to us, but, we can control how we choose to handle our attitude towards it. There’s only one person in charge of your attitude, and that’s YOU! Sure, people are gonna piss us off, try to hurt us, bring us down to their level, yet, we have a choice to NOT let that happen! Be strong, be happy, and cheer yourself on for taking care of YOU! Cause guess what? You’re the only one who can!!
Be empowered, be you!
KP
Jen says
Thank you for sharing!
Dealing with difficult people is not easy, especially when you or a loved one are targeted.
Something I practice and encourage my son to do as well is compassion for the other person’s pain, remembering that so often the bullying or hurtful attack really has nothing to do with me. Whether expressed silently after the conflict or directly during the encounter I offer a variation of this: “I am sorry for the pain steering your actions. May you realize inflicting pain on others will not bring resolution of yours so that you invest that energy in healing and peace.”
Franklyn Ashirim says
Thanks Guys!
This is yet another masterpiece of insight and inspiration from A Greatly Esteemed Duo. Personally I have benefited from these timeless guides and nuggets from Marc&Angel. they give a sense of direction after each read, touching on grey areas in our personal lives and relations with others.
I’m glad and grateful to have access to your awesome articles.
God Bless You Guys.
Dancy says
What a great blog! It was a great help for me to comprehend that difficult people will always exist, and it’s hard to please them no matter what you do. This certain eases my mind a bit. Thank you Marc and Angel for this blog.
Carrie-Ann Orser says
See, I would have been really upset but not rude to those bullies and your advice really hit the nail on the head! Thank you! Right at the right time and I have been reacting in a way that I do not want to and do not want to be that person! I will definitely practice being mindful that it is not my issue. Funny because a friend of mine was helping me change my room around and I said: “Wait for me to move the dresser because I do not want the mirror to fall and break!” What does he do try to move it alone saying I just want to see if I can. Well lucky I caught it in time fast reflex. But he done the same thing will a wall unit and 3 glass shelves, smash smash
smash. Lucky my neighbor gave me 3 the exact size. Hard not to be upset but I was provided for to fix it. Yes, God and the Universe and Angels are there. 3 glass shelves the exact size. Amazing! So I should be mindful because things do work out and it is better for health and makes me a better person, the one I want to be! Thank you again and have a great day!
Anne says
Thanks for this interesting post.
Therese says
I think I’ve been one of those difficult people. I’m working on a new positive attitude and no more pity parties. I’m a young widow with no family . I’m done with the pity parties, time to make a new life for me.
Shelly says
Thank you for this amazing post! I appreciate your candidness about how you personally struggle to hold it together in the face of a difficult and/or rude person. Thank you for sharing. It is such a struggle! Especially with people who are close – like family and office mates. I liked that you touched on detachment, but it would be great if a future article could dig into this a little deeper. How do you “detach” from close family? What does that look like? Thank you again for your thoughtful articles.
Regina says
Everything is connected; we are One…
As I forgive and love my imperfections I can love people as they are and more clearly see them without my limiting projections. I appreciate you and your relationship, Marc and Angel. Thank you for being my Guides…even though you probably didn’t even know you are. You are beautiful…
Jamis Mayal says
Thank you for sharing!
Dealing with difficult people is not easy, especially when you or a loved one are targeted.
Something I practice and encourage my son to do as well is compassion for the other person’s pain, remembering that so often the bullying or hurtful attack really has nothing to do with me. Whether expressed silently after the conflict or directly during the encounter I offer a variation of this: “I am sorry for the pain steering your actions. May you realize inflicting pain on others will not bring resolution of yours so that you invest that energy in healing and peace.”
Jessica says
A large thank you to your post for helping me to reflect and ponder on how to deal with people and relationships. Sometimes we receive mean comments and opinions that differ from ours, and it’s easy to feel frustrated and get drown by overwhelming feelings. Yet, more often than not, what other people has said is not real—it’s not their actual meaning. We tend to view it as negative because we take it too personally. How to strike a balance between emotion and sensitivity is a tough challenge, but a must-learnt lesson that should be constantly reminded of.
BONGIWE says
I’ve been bullied almost half of my teenage life and a lot of the times I choose to believe the hurtful remarks made by other people over my own truth, sometimes some people would just literally look at me and start laughing as if I’m not a human being with feelings and there was a time when I got to high school some random girl took a picture of me with the intention of posting it on social media to show people how “abnormal and funny ” I look and after I felt so ugly and defeated like I had no place in society and to offer my surroundings but then it has been a constant battle between believing who and what I truly am and believing other people’s opinions about me but I know that it’s a journey and I’ll be fine eventually.
KG says
Such a great post and your points about how to respond are so perfect!! This is really a huge issue in society. When people project their biased opinions onto others and are believed by others. The projection “power” game. The way you’ve outlined how to deal with it, in my opinion, is the best. Thanks!!
Austin Jose says
Hello
Thanks for giving such a piece of information. Handling people is the worst thing one needs to do in his life. We deal with many people and it’s really frustrating to deal with difficult people.
Your blog helps me to get an idea to handle difficult people and hope it works.
Thanks