It was almost midnight on an idle Tuesday and the hospital hallways were unusually calm. I had just finished reading an old issue of Sports Illustrated from cover to cover. “I need something better to read,” I thought to myself. “Why didn’t I bring a book?”
As I sat quietly with my eyes closed, I could vaguely hear the soft mumbles of a verbal plea going on in the hospital room beside me. “You’ve kept him waiting long enough! My grandson is here! Oh please, let him in.” More mumbling… “Please, please… nurse, bring him to me.”
A moment later the nurse stormed out of the room and looked startled to see me waiting in the hall. “Oh, you’re here!” he yelped. “I’m sorry. I’m a hospice nurse and I’ve only been watching over your grandmother for the past 24 hours. She insisted that you were coming to visit her last night too, but the phone numbers she gave me to reach you were all disconnected. So, she had me scouring the hospital hallways looking for you to no avail. And then when she said you were coming again this evening, I just assumed her dementia was getting the best of her.”
“Well, I…”
He interrupted me. “But I’m really glad you’re here. I think she’s been holding on just so she can say goodbye to you. It’s actually miraculous that she’s still able to speak, because her body is rapidly shutting down. The doctor gave her 24 hours to live exactly 24 hours ago.”
“My goodness, that’s…”
He interrupted again. “Sir, once more, I’m truly sorry. I had no idea you were out here waiting. And time is up. These are her final few moments. Please follow me.”
I stood up and the nurse guided me into the room. “Your grandson is here,” he announced from the doorway. The old woman’s eyes lit up. “Oh grace… oh joy!” She looked right at me and smiled with all the might she had left in her weak body. “I knew you’d come see me.”
I sat down at her bedside and placed my hand over hers, interlocking our fingers and squeezing ever so slightly in an attempt to show affection. She squeezed back and said, “Thank you,” and then tried to speak again, but she was too exhausted. Instead, she stared directly into my eyes and held her smile for several minutes as we continued to hold hands. Finally, she closed her eyes and rested.
For nearly an hour I didn’t move. I sat there in silence as she maintained a soft grip on my hand. Then slowly, her grip loosened and her breathing slowed. For a moment, I thought she was falling into a deeper sleep, but then her breathing stopped altogether.
I let go of her lifeless hand and used the emergency call button to summon the nurse. The nurse hustled in, covered the body with a white sheet, recorded a few notes on his tablet, and then began to offer his condolences…
“I’m really sorry for your loss,” he said. “Have you made any funeral arrangements?”
“I don’t even know her name,” I replied.
“What do you mean?” he asked. “She’s your grandmother.”
“No, she’s not,” I assured him. “Prior to stepping foot in this room, I had never met her before in my life. I’m here at the hospital waiting for my friend who needs a few stitches on his chin.”
He looked confused. “I don’t understand. If you don’t know her, then why didn’t you say so? And why did you sit beside her for the last hour?”
I smiled. “Well, I knew immediately that she wasn’t my grandmother. But when you informed me of her story and life expectancy, I also knew that her real grandson, if he actually exists, wasn’t going to make it in time. Curiosity got the best of me and I followed you into the room. Then, when she saw me and smiled, I realized her vision was so blurred that she actually thought I was her grandson. And knowing how desperate she was to see him, I decided to play the part and spend an hour with her.”
We Determine the True Value of Every Hour
Our lives are measured by the value we provide to others. This value arises from the things we spend our time doing. And since time is quantified in hours, the value of our lives is equivalent to the sum of every hour we spend.
Opportunities to provide value are everywhere. Some of them are anticipated, while others blindside us at midnight on an idle Tuesday. Whether or not we choose to acknowledge and engage in these opportunities is up to us.
How have you spent the last hour of your life?
Let this question sink in. Let it inspire you…
Let yourself come to see just how precious a gift it is to find value in the loving gestures you display, the genuine conversations you have, the meaningful collaborations you engage in, and the deeds you do that bring peace.
If you need a little extra inspiration in the upcoming hour, here are a few timeless strategies Angel and I personally practice, and often cover with our new course students:
- Build a bridge or two. – Some people build lots of walls in their lives and not enough bridges. Don’t be one of them. When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them and forced them to grow. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as your own. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. Open yourself up. Take small chances on people. Let them shift your perspective.
- Be present and listen closely. – If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life—the ones who truly made a difference—you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems. They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway. Be this person for others.
- Be calm inside, even when those around you are angry. – People are much nicer when they’re happier, which says a lot about those who aren’t very nice. Keep this in mind. And also remind yourself that you can’t control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do or say gets filtered through the lens of whatever they are going through at the moment, which has nothing to do with you. Don’t take things personally. Calmness is a superpower. Just keep doing your thing with as much love and integrity as possible.
- Love exactly what’s in front of you. – Love what you do, until you can do what you love. Love where you are, until you can be where you love. And above all, love the people you are with, until you can be with the people you love most. Fewer judgments, less resistance, more love… in this hour, and the next. That’s the way we find happiness, opportunity and peace in even the most mundane situations.
- Be way, way kinder than necessary. – Think kindly of others, speak kindly to others, and do kind things for others. Kindness always makes a difference. Create the little outcomes others might be grateful for at the end of their day. Be a bigger part of what’s right in this world. And remember, the way we treat people we strongly disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about true love and real kindness. (We discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of our book.)
This Hour—Let’s Practice, Together
One hour at a time, one value-driven decision at a time. That’s all we’re really talking about here. Just maximizing the significance of our short lives, and making a small difference along the way.
Of course, doing so is often easier said than done. Distractions and counter-rationalities are everywhere. “Reasons” to do the opposite of the five aforementioned points are abundant when we’re looking for them. Filling an hour with the same old routines and responses, for example, always seems more comfortable in the near-term.
But, the truth always rears its head in the end. And the truth is, twenty years from now it won’t really matter how comfortable our lives were today, how easy we had it, or what we were “working on” when we were really just holding out on people. Being perfectly in line and on time every second won’t matter either. What will matter is how we lived, how we loved, and what we learned along the way.
It’s our time, right now…
To fill an hour with true value.
To instill as much love, kindness and compassion into it as possible.
And to do what we know in our heads and hearts is right, every step of the way.
Let’s practice, together, for all the right reasons. 🙂
Afterthoughts… On Finding Value Around Offensive People
Some of the strategies above (like numbers 3 and 5 for example) potentially require a willingness to amicably deal with people who yell at us, interrupt us, talk about remarkably distasteful things, and so forth. These people violate the way we think people should behave, and sometimes their behavior deeply offends us. But if we let these people get to us—if we let them incapacitate our minds with negativity—we lose our ability to see and provide value.
So, what can we do if we have someone like this in our lives right now?
We can challenge ourselves to mentally hug them and wish them well in the hour ahead, no matter what.
This isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but it’s a little trick that can positively change the way we see most people who offend us. Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us. How dare they! Who do they think they are? They have no consideration for our feelings! But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either—they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain. They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain.
And so, mentally, we can give them a hug. We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point in our lives. We’re the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.
Try this. See the immediate value in your gentle response. And then smile in serenity, armed with the reassuring knowledge that you did your best, and you didn’t let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t.
(Note: Angel and I build “smarter communication” strategies and habits with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of the Getting Back to Happy course.)
Your turn…
Please share this post with others who you think may benefit from it, and also share your thoughts with us in the comments area below. If you’re up to it, I’d love it if you shared your thoughts on this article. Anything else to add?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive more powerful quotes and related life lessons in your inbox each week.
Dan Logan says
Every time I check my email and receive a new article from your blog, I know it’s worth pausing and reading. THANK YOU.
This particular post was truly inspiring. It made me think long and hard. I had to think a lot about myself and how I interact with the world – which is a very good thing. The opening story was beautiful and when people act out of love and empathy like this, they make a difference. The points that followed were helpful too, especially the points about not taking things personally.
Kathy says
I have several people I want to try the Mental Hug on! Thank you so much.
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome. 🙂 Thanks for the kindness.
Monica says
M&A,
Your teachings are always an inspiration to me, M&A. Although this is the first public comment I’m leaving on your blog, we have had many conversations through your Getting Back to Happy course over the past year, which I sincerely appreciate. Today though, I finally wanted to contribute something here too.
I loved the opening story and the strategies that followed, but your closing afterthoughts is what really struck a chord. I forget that many of the rude and obnoxious people around me are in pain, and that that’s why they behave the way they do. Certainly it doesn’t mean I have to surround myself with these people, but being kind and moving forward with my head held high is resonating so deeply with me right now. Thank you.
Also, I saw on Amazon that you have a new book coming out in a couple months. Congrats! Sounds like it will be a great complement to the course. Just pre-ordered it. 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for checking in with us here, too, Monica. I agree with your sentiment. These realizations are proof of your recent growth, which has been inspiring for Angel and I to witness. I sincerely mean that.
And yes, our brand new book is coming soon. 🙂
Beth O. says
Thank you for this post. What a wonderful reminder of how precious life is and how great it is to give your time to another.
Here’s another relationship related quote I wrote down when Angel said it a couple weeks ago at your Think Better Live Better conference in San Diego. I now have it on a post-it note on my home office bulletin board as a reminder, which has worked well for me when I deal with frustrating family members and neighbors:
“Do not miss a chance – not one single, tiny opportunity – to tell someone how wonderful they are and how beautiful they are, inside and out.”
Marc Chernoff says
I love it, Beth! And it was so nice to meet you a few weeks ago. Looking forward to seeing you again next year.
Maria says
After a Restless night, it was encouraging to wake up and read your email. They “always “ help ground me and get my thoughts back on track and off my depression. Have a wonderful day.
Nadia says
I don’t comment much, but I’ve been reading your blog since 2014. All I can say is: Thank you, Marc and Angel.
Buchi Agu says
This is the kind of teaching I have long prayed for. For me, meeting Marc and Angel through their inspiring write ups and teaching is a prayer answered. I’m becoming a person that truly value and love people. My life is getting better. Thank you.
Elizabeth says
Thank you so much. Am about to sign up for your course; so much helpful wisdom in your posts.
Nathan says
That was beautiful. What a great start to my week!
James says
Great article, called me to action for more kindness today.
Mary Bellebuono says
I am truly guilty of not always stopping to read your message but something compiled me today, and I am so happy I did. I am going through something similar to this at this time in my life with my husband of 55 years this Sept. He is 84 years old and not doing well mentally and physically, but I try hard to avoid letting myself to get upset when he shouts at me and does not want to hear what i am trying to convey to him.
Your stories touched my heart, and I thank you. I also enjoy reading other reply’s, may God Bless all.
Vishnu says
Helpful post Marc. I think the important point in this point is how many of us are likely living our lives which is how do we add value to our own lives. Instead of looking out for ourselves, life is much sweeter and valuable when we are adding value to others. I’d just add that we should be looking for opportunities on the regular on how to add value to someone’s life. A daily habit, a daily game, or daily to do can remind us to continue to do good for others.
Dave says
Attitudes are contagious. And adding value to each interaction we have, by providing a courteous – positive encounter, has some wonderful benefits. Those who are regular encounters become appreciative of you and generally feed value back to us by similar positivity, courteousness etc, helping to boost our own spirit and feelings even higher.
But I believe the best outcome by far is the self satisfaction or appreciation we receive toward our self from doing right by others.
P. S. This article was just like all of the others on this site in my opinion. Absolutely fantastic! Thank you so much for what you do.
Olajumoke Ola says
Thank you 🙂
Thabang says
Many thank you’s. ?.. Your articles are so inspiring. And I feel motivated.
JoAnne says
I started following your blog to find ways to help a dear sister who struggles with many emotional issues for which she’s on numerous medications. I had a lot of time on my hands to read all your brilliant posts because 2 1/2 years ago I sustained serious physical injuries and traumatic brain injury (TBI) from a bicycle accident causing limited mobility but I was still able to research ways to help my sister. What I pass onto her from your wonderful blog has really helped her. Thank you for that.
I too have found an enormous amount from your posts in my struggles dealing with people who are less than kind to me during this difficult time. The hardest to deal with is my step-daughter. She has continued her insensitive behavior towards me since I married her widowed father. Before now I never took her behavior personally because I realized that her heart was in pain from her mother’s death. . Well, that was 22 years ago and she is now 48. I’ve always tried to be complimentary, thoughtful, positive and supportive and in return I get subtle unkind comments and constant insensitive behavior.
Because of my TBI, I’m very sensitive to people who I think I’ve disappointed and her comments shatter my ability to function. I’ve lost my ability to ignore her and to feel bad for her. I’ve got so much work to get back my own life and her dad is a prince with everything he does for me. I wish she had learned some of his kind and gentle nature.
TBI requires a long term healing process and a positive environment is critical. The last part of today’s blog made me write this message to ask you “At what point and after how many years do you address a situation like mine? My husband is heartbroken by his daughter’s behavior and now I’m just really hurt and mad.
Raghunathan Kuppuswamy says
Inspiring! Thank you.
okumu yoweri says
Am so glad for your blog Marc and Angel. Ever since I subscribed to your blog’s emails I have had tremendous changes in my life mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have been able to go through many challenging situations just because of your peaceful reminders and tips.
Lulu Boncato Kozak says
Thank you so much for this post, very positive & inspiring. I do practice kindness & compassion at all times to people & strangers but it’s not that easy. I take things too seriously at times. I need to work on that more because I don’t want my happiness to be robbed by someone whose mean. Overall, I still practice kindness & compassion. Once again, thanks so much for this awesome post.??
TH says
Awesome and very informative read, probably have to read it again to fully grasp it all. Cheers and thanks for writing!
Janet Rangou says
I feel inspired every time I read your posts. Thank you for the lessons learnt all the time.
Joanne M says
Would you recommend these “hug” strategies when dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies? The insensitive conversations and my partner’s angry behaviour can be a HUGE challenge at times….truly hurtful and undermining our relationship (we’ve lived together for over 12 years)..I find myself building walls and becoming more distant….a means of protecting myself….I feel (most of the time) that what is important to me is secondary…I’m 63 and wondering what my future and retirement hold in store for me.
Nilupa says
Please, please, please come to London Marc and Angel!!!!
????
T says
3 and 5 have to be careful that you don’t over compensate and empathize with a nasty person too much that you bury your own needs and feelings. This happened to me 35 years in a very unhappy marriage until I found the courage to walk away. I Kept thinking about his and kids feelings at the expense of my own. The kids had to grow up with an angry, depressed, frustrated mom for so long. What I was missing is listening and respecting my own feelings and trying to live up to the impossible expectations of others. No wonder I was miserable! Listen to your own heart and know when the best thing is to walk away from the nastiness instead of trying to rationalize it and staying too long
Aisha Oduntan says
What a powerful post.
Larisa says
First of all, I want to say Thank you for your posts. You always have important and beautiful insights. I read your stories but unfortunately never comment (I am sorry, I know how important your readers’ feedback is to you). But I want to say a few things about one point in this post.
You said, ‘Our lives are measured by the value we provide to others.’ It is a kind thought but in my opinion is a very wrong one.
I tried to live my life with the main point of it being helpful to others. To bless them in every way I could. Until… I started to feel that whatever I did would never be enough. People will take everything you have to offer. There is a great need for love, kindness, support, compassion out there. Plus I, myself, really wanted to give as much as I possibly could… So, the whole situation made me feel inadequate and depressed..
Until I came to this thought, ‘Just live your life TRUE to yourself, true to your heart, true to your faith (in Jesus). Just live..’
And this is what I am trying to do now…
My life is not measured by the value I provide to others. My life is simply a representation of who I am, an expression of my heart, mind and spirit…Of the Lord..
My life is valuable just as it is. I am valuable just as I am.
Thank you.
Mai Pham says
This made me cry Marc. How wonderful that people just do some random acts of kindness to complete strangers. It made we believe in humanity.
Then talking about the value of time, we are all guilty of wasting our time somehow. Maybe it’s couple minutes here and there to scroll down your Facebook page or check your phone every time you hear the buzz sound. Maybe it’s when you decide to watch another episode of your favorite shows before get up and start working.
Emily says
I love the idea of maintaining a peaceful response even when others are unpleasant. I try especially hard to be pleasant and am sometimes irritated that others seem to flaunt their unpleasantness or incivility like some kind of trophy. When you wrote “How dare they?!” I thought, uh-oh I have definitely gone there. Since I rarely raise my voice to others, I have a hard time when they yell at me or near me. I will commit to peaceful responses even if others are distasteful or vulgar.