I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is your ultimate battleground. It’s the space where the greatest and fiercest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never actually happened. It’s where your inner resistance buries you with negativity. And, when you allow these thoughts to dwell in your mind, they gradually succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You think yourself right into nervous breakdowns and bouts of depression, time and again.
I know because I’ve been there.
Honestly, we’ve all been there at times.
But, what can we learn from our trials? A whole lot!
There’s so much about our lives—and our fate—we can’t control, it makes absolutely no sense to focus all our energy on these things and then neglect everything we CAN control. We can decide how we spend our time right now, what we choose to focus on, and whom we share our energy with. We can choose our words and the tone of voice in which we speak to ourselves and others. We can decide what we will engage in, read and study next. We can choose how we’re going to respond to challenging life situations when they arise, and whether we will see them as curses or opportunities for growth…
And most importantly, we can choose our attitude, which influences pretty much everything else.
Of course, none of us are immune to occasional mood swings. But that doesn’t mean we have to succumb to them. Whether your negative attitude is a common occurrence or just a sporadic phenomenon, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and success that you choose to recognize when your mind is in the gutter, and then consciously make adjustments.
Here are some hard things you need to hear and learn about your attitude (these are the most common attitude issues we’ve seen plaguing our newest course students over the years) and some tips to get you thinking straight again:
- Your attitude often reflects a certain level of self-centered self-victimization. – We all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center, and see everything—every event, conversation, circumstance, etc.—from the viewpoint of how it relates to us and only us. And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling hurt when other people are rude, to feeling sorry for ourselves when things don’t go as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect. Obviously, we are not really at the center of everything. That’s not how the universe works. It just sometimes seems that way to us. So, be sure to shift your focus when it makes sense. When you catch yourself feeling like a singled-out victim, think about other people you might help. Finding little ways to help others can snap you out of your self-centeredness, and then you’re not wallowing in self-pity anymore—you’re starting to think beyond yourself, for your own good.
- Your attitude is still greatly affected by old stories. – In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc. Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. The pain, however, is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident. It’s simply a process of your thinking. Do your best to see it for what it is.
- Your attitude often reflects your inner resistance to reality. – Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life as it is presenting itself right now. Do your best to catch yourself. Be mindful. When you accept the reality of the moment, regardless of how painful, you allow yourself to grow and heal. Ultimately, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts, it’s what you do with what you have left.
- Your attitude gets caught up in fearing and hiding from change. – Sometimes, no matter how hard it is to admit, there are things in your life that aren’t meant to stay. Change may not be what you want, but it’s always exactly what’s happening. Earth does not stop spinning. And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Or, saying hello will make you more vulnerable and uncomfortable than you ever imagined possible. At any given moment, change can seem almost too much to bear. But, over the long run, change is ultimately the only thing that allows you to learn and grow and succeed and smile again. So, remind yourself that life gradually changes in each and every moment, and so can YOU, for the better.
- Your attitude is affected by your passivity and procrastination. – So many of us waste so much of our time and energy waiting for the ideal path to appear. But it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. We forget that we shouldn’t feel more confident before we take the next step—that taking the next step is what builds our confidence. And so, we hesitate, procrastinate, and ultimately succumb to the same old routines that have been driving us nuts for far too long. Truth be told, there are thousands of people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything. Don’t be one of them! Don’t settle for the default settings in life. Find your loves, your talents, your passions, and embrace them. Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions. Don’t let others tell you what you want. Design YOUR journey every step of the way! The life you create from doing something that moves you is far better than the attitude you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.
- Your attitude reflects your aversion to discomfort. – Many of us don’t want to be uncomfortable, so we run from discomfort constantly. The problem with this is that, by running from discomfort, we are constrained to partake in only the activities and opportunities within our comfort zones. And since our comfort zones are relativity small, we miss out on most of life’s greatest and healthiest experiences, and we get stuck in a debilitating cycle. Let’s use diet and exercise as an example… First, you become unhealthy because eating healthy food and exercising feels uncomfortable, so you opt for comfort food and mindless TV watching instead. But then, being unhealthy is also uncomfortable, so you seek to distract yourself from the reality of your unhealthy body by eating more unhealthy food and watching more unhealthy entertainment and going to the mall to shop for things you don’t really want or need. And your discomfort and attitude both get worse.
- Your attitude is often rooted in unrealistic ideals. – You aren’t perfect. It’s OK. Despite what you keep hearing inside your head, you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration. Everyone has disappointed someone they care about at some point. Everyone messes up, lets people down, and makes mistakes. Not because we’re all inadequate or incompetent, but because we’re all imperfect and human. Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for confusion and discontent.
- Your attitude easily defaults to self-contempt. – Next time you catch yourself wallowing in self-contempt, remind yourself that you were not born feeling this way. That at some point in the past some person or experience sent you the message that something is wrong with you, and you internalized this lie and accepted it as your truth. But that lie isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you. And in the same way you learned to think negatively of yourself, you can learn to think new, positive and self-loving thoughts. You can learn to challenge those false beliefs, strip away their power, and reclaim your self-respect. It won’t be easy, and it won’t transpire overnight, but it is possible. And it begins the moment you decide there has to be a better way to live, and that you deserve to discover it. Make that decision for yourself!
- Your attitude gets hung up on longstanding self-limiting beliefs. – Think about a self-limiting belief you have—an area of your life where you believe you are destined to remain stuck. It can be about any part of your life you hope to change—your weight, your career, your relationships—anything at all. What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your position on Earth? And then I want you to shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that “fact” was true for you. I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory. What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me,’ but I did it!”? Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it. You can start taking steps forward every day that go against it—positive daily rituals that create more tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on. (Note: Angel and I build positive daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of the Getting Back to Happy course.)
- Your attitude often reflects a lack of presence and self-awareness. – One of the hardest challenges we face in life is to simply live in our own skin. To just be right here, right now, regardless of where we are. Too often we use compulsive work, compulsive exercise, compulsive love affairs, and the like, to escape from ourselves and the realities of living. In fact, many of us will go to great lengths to avoid the feeling of being alone in an undistracted environment. Thus, we succumb to hanging-out with just about anyone to avoid the feeling of solitude. For being alone means dealing with our true feelings. Acknowledging this fact is the first step to healing it. Begin right now by just noticing with curiosity, and without judgment, all of the ways in which you avoid being in your own skin, right here, right now, in this present moment we call life.
- Your attitude has been bruised by inconsiderate people. – At some point, we’ve all been walked on, used and forgotten. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices. We’ve learned who we can trust and who we can’t. We’ve learned the meaning of friendship. We’ve learned how to tell when people are lying and when they’re sincere. We’ve learned how to be ourselves, and appreciate the truly great people and things in our lives as they arrive. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time. Remember this. None of the injustice you’ve experienced is evidence of some fundamental flaw on your part. None of it makes you unworthy. It all just means that some people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own egocentric bubble. But the fact that you are—that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others—is an incredible strength.
- Your attitude is often submissive and waits for validation from others. – You won’t always be a priority to others, and that’s why you have to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself, and become your own support system. Your needs matter. Start meeting them. Make your own happiness a priority. Don’t wait on others to choose you. Choose yourself, right now! Breathe in. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough. Breathe out… let go, and just live right now in the moment with a self-validating, self-loving attitude. (Note: Angel and I guide our readers though the process of self-validation in the Self-Love chapter of our brand new book.)
Closing Exercise — Attitude Reflection
If you’re feeling up to it, I’d love for you to openly reflect on your attitude:
- Which attitude issue mentioned above often gets the best of you?
- Who would you be, and what else might you see, if you shifted your attitude in that area of your life?
In other words, think carefully about that specific area of your life and what’s been troubling your mind, and then visualize how your life would be different if you made a positive shift in your attitude:
- How would it change your outlook on your present life situation?
- Would you treat yourself and others differently?
- How would you feel?
- How would you behave?
- What else might you be able to accomplish?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Cara says
Marc & Angel, the positive reinforcement and life coaching I’ve received from you, directly and indirectly, over the past three months has been absolutely priceless. I was also lucky enough to catch your Think Better, Live Better conference in San Diego this past winter and it was a true game-changer! So, first and for most I want to let you know how much I appreciate you both in so many ways.
The attitude point in this post that really jumped out at me is the one about hesitating and procrastinating. I’ve lost some things in my life, and for a long while I used my hard reality as an excuse to give up on trying. I kept pushing off the small steps that would help me heal. But the self-inquiry rituals you taught me gradually got me back on track, once I took action of course. The importance of rituals cannot be overstated. Every positive change I’ve successfully made happened one day at a time over a prolonged period of time. And the rituals and tools you two set me up with were a savior to me. Thank you again.
Jerry Smith says
Play Hard, Love Strong and Live Well
Smith
Marc Chernoff says
Cara, it was so nice to meet you at Think Better, Live Better. It’s truly great to hear that you’ve successfully implemented some positive daily rituals and you’re seeing results already. Well done!
James Dee says
This post arrived in my email inbox right when I needed a moment of positive reflection.
Love the well-thought practicality of each attitude issue discussed, and I love the overall reality checks about how our attitude effects everything we do or don’t do in life. No doubt, when we get our minds are in the right state, the right things start happening.
Marc Chernoff says
So glad this post resonates, James. 🙂 Thanks for the feedback.
Rachel says
M&A, I want to say that this article perfectly reinforces the honest, evidence-based teachings you’ve provided for me through your course, coaching and readings over the past year. I’ve been living in a far more stable and healthy mental space than I was in just a short time ago at the end of last year. In part, I have you to thank for that. So like others have said above, thanks a million for doing what you do. I appreciate you both.
Marc Chernoff says
Rachel, the progress you’ve made over the past year has been inspiring to witness. You’re on the right path now; just keep taking those tiny steps forward.
Samantha says
Lately I’ve been in a self sabotaging place and my faith/focus has waned greatly, yet your words (as well as other encouraging points from friends and/or books) have confirmed that it’s just a process that’s going to require meaningful effort to get through. This was a powerful read, and my prayer is to apply these tools today for a better tomorrow. Thank you Marc & Angel.
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome, Samantha. One day at a time… Apply these principles one day at a time and you will undoubtedly see and feel the effects of real progress.
Billy says
Wow! Clearly one of the best articles I’ve read in months!
It sums it up really well…
Although things are pretty good right now we are better preventing than doing damage control and the topics discussed here are of prime importance to be tippy top shape !
Thank you for brining the best out of people
Best regards
Billy
Mark A. Pitts says
Man this is sent from God I have been reliving a rehashing old wounds. five years ago my wife had an affair we have been together for 19 years I was not the model husband I would say mean things I put her down made her cry. I had an affair with 5 women, 2 of them actually having intercorse the other 3 no protection just naked and fooling around, but it wasn’t for very long and it wasn’t passionate. 2013 we had our biggest and worst breakup. Her and a girlfriend went to the Essence in NO, she met a guy that she ultimately had a 3 month affair with. I was still in the house sleeping in the kids room, but on her 2 nd trip to see this man I knew she was having an affair. She had went to Houston to see him, she went to Virginia to see him, and after that trip I moved out. I was talking big ish, and I had no where to go but to a buddies house on his couch for 3 months. I did not see my kids, I was angry calling her names and just upset at my position. making of the fear my wife with you I will do in cars by my castle not really loving myself making her feel bad and telling her that who would want to be with her and she went out and have a three relationship with someone it really messed me up I lost 20 lbs. I was miserable, we got back together she realized that relationship was not going anywhere because he was married. Oh and did I mention he took her to Puerto Rico for 5 days. When I moved back in we decided to hit a reset on our relationship. But I was stil thinking of this other man having his way with her. I saw pictures of her acting silly with him, I even saw a silowhet of them on the beach hugged up. And I heard a video of them in the rental car on there way to the hotel. It messed me up. 1 because she was able to have good sex, 2 mine was terrible, 3 he was married with 3 kids. I have struggled with this for 5 years. We have a great opportunity now to correct all of our mistakes we both have good jobs now, we’ll im on disability and I won’t be going back. I’ve had 3 jobs in 3 years 2 I got fired and this last one I quit. We got a bigger house, our kids love us. But I cannot get over what she did. And how she flew across the country 3 times to be with this man. Everyone we have sex, or I see it on tv I think of them. Divorce is on the horizon now, I’m scared of how I treated her and the affair was due to my verbal abuse. I am 52 with no retirement, no savings. She has a great job making over a 100 I’m in the guest room trying to collect my thoughts. I want to stop thinking of the past but, I look at his FB and see him and his family all smiles and how he worked his way to VP of his job, how him and his wife are just picture perfect and how he says he loves her, when he was 5 years ago with my wife. I’m messed up but your info is helping me. I won’t hurt myself or my family. I just want to have a good future. My wife is smart, I love her, but sometimes I hate her. I don’t know how to get these thoughts out of my head. I relate to attitude 1, and 2. I will find work soon but will I be able to stay on it for the long haul. It’s been a long battle even before this guy. I really appreciate you guys and what you are doing. We haven’t filed. I’m in the guest room and I want to stay in here and figure out me, and do I love myself. Because what I have created is very destructive. Thank you ? for letting me vent I hope I did not over whelm yo.
Joanne says
I can sense your pain and confusion. If your thoughts serve no positive purpose you must change them. Don’t let your mind go back to situations you can’t change. Move forward – one day at a time- one thought at a time- and if your thoughts today do not benefit ALL the people involved in your life right now you must work on changing them to thoughts that benefit all of you- you yes, but also your wife and your kids. Take positive steps to have the life you want. Crawl until you can walk.
Steve says
Having lost a job of 20 years recently, I have not been the positive person to be around. With every opportunity that comes along and looks promising, the crush is becoming almost too much. This happened again just last week. I am trying to remain positive, but it gets harder tithe each rejection.
I keep telling myself that I’m still standing….but it’s hard…
Maybe this will help…
Adam says
“Despite what you keep hearing inside your head, you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration.”
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today. As someone raised by a narcissistic, perfectionist mother for whom nothing was ever good enough, it’s still hard to remember that hardly anyone is going to expect me to be perfect. Thank you.
Paul Henzey says
These 12 things regarding our attitude are just spot on. What an amazing comprehensive list and the writing is so poignant, direct and truthful. Thank you so much.
Bobbye says
I struggle with all of these. This was exactly what I needed to read at this very moment.
Timo says
Eff yeah! Great article as usual!
Disha says
After going through a rough time, I recently took on a journey of self-discovery and turned to the internet for help. This article landed in my inbox just when I needed it and is undoubtedly one of the best articles I have ever read. Thank you so much, Marc and Angel!
Love,
Disha
Rachel says
Marc and Angel – I would just like to say how much I love looking forward to receiving your daily emails – your words are so encouraging and have helped me through very difficult times. I started reading your posts about 4 years ago when my Father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I was struggling to cope with the situation. I have religiously read all your work since then and words cannot explain how much it has helped me! I have your first book, and will certainly be ordering your new one. Just wanted to say a big thank you!
Jeff says
Always spot on and always an inspiration. Keep up the good work!
pam says
How do you walk the line between self care (#12) and being self centered? (#1)
Sarah says
Wow, I really needed this today, I seem to to have all of these issues to some degree and have decided to tackle my anxiety, low self-esteem and lack of confidence and need for validation as I can’t live the rest of my life feeling like this. I usually find value from everything on this site, but this is life-changing stuff. Thanks so much for this amazing post, I’ll be re-reading it regularly and implementing as much as I can.
Holly M says
You two are true hero’s! About 3 years ago I fell into a horrible depression, I was in so much pain all the time & suffering from PTSD (t-boned 2 times within a year). I knew it was serious when I took a shower to “wash off” my dumpiness then just layed on my bed soaking wet (hadn’t dried off or dressed) for an hour hysterically crying. I knew I had to shake the feeling off somehow so I was just trying to see if I could find SOMETHING about depression. Dr.’s, articles, others like me.. anything to help wrap my mind around how I was feeling & why I was feeling this way for no specific reason. So I stumbled upon an article from marcandangel & within the first few sentences I felt like you two just got it. Like you two knew exactly what I was going through & knew exactly what to say. I still to this day relate to so much content in your articles, today really felt like you were in my head just giving me that push. I still battle depression & lots of struggles but the kind words of you two make it possible! As of today I am about 5months off of my depression medication, recently eating better, exercising & still getting up after failing. Once again, you knew exactly what to say. Truly & deeply from the bottom of my heart Thank You!!!!
Jacqueline says
Once again spot on, my attitude today was awful, simple as, when i come out of it, i think several things like why did i behave so badly and hope i don,t behave like that again, and then do,
how to stop this destructive behaviour, its good to take time to look at yourself every now and again, think my worst attitude is arrogance and self pity, i have come along way but today made me realise that i am sometimes too independent for my own good and i cannot do anything about anybody else but only take responsibility for myself, we don,t like correction but without it we would probably destroy ourselves and others, and when i come back down to earth i realise i have so much to be grateful for, thanks again love Jacqueline
Rhonda Sutton says
Once again reading you words has really helped me understand myself better and realize how and why I have been sabotaging myself and not taking care of myself. Although we are heading in to a long road with my husbands cancer this has given me a start to be positive and leave the baggage in the past. Thank you again. It comes at important crossroads in my life.
Lizzy says
I struggled with everything I read in this post too .. I loved to read this post and I will continue to read many, many times.
Thank you
Erin says
Exactly what I need to read, exactly when I needed it the most. I recently allowed an ex who treated me badly, always with excuses as to why, back into my life. Of course, the same happened, him taking no responsibility for his actions, and I have been feeling horribly, have been needy, clingy, and just plain desperate-acting for the past couple of weeks. I know this situation is 100% my fault for choosing to let him back into my life… I know our history, and chose to regardless of it… Learning, as you said, is an important take-away from these situations. Think I finally “got it”.
Loved the “Your attitude has been bruised by inconsiderate people. We’ve accepted less than we deserve, been taken advantage of, used and forgotten. None of the above was due to a fundamental flaw with me/makes me unworthy. Just means some can’t look beyond their egocentric bubble.” (Paraphrased a bit!)
Thank you both for this insightful and supportive article.
Christine says
I read this article with tears the whole way through. It was exactly what I needed to hear about moving ahead with my life. The past four months my life has been frozen in time, as a few days before Christmas my husband of 34 years called up a high school sweetheart and began an affair. The last thing I expected for my golden years was to be sharing my husband with an even older woman who is married with four children as well. I am devastated. At a time when most people are winding down their careers, I have to begin working more. Now that we have finally finished our home we had been working on for 34 years, I have to realize I may be losing it. My life has been ripped apart for the sake of two 60 year old married people trying to capture their teenage years again. Reading your article made me see that I should stop thinking about what I can never have again…a partner that I can trust. I need to love and appreciate myself and stop expecting that from a spouse who has moved on. Thank-you for the insight ! Better days are ahead of me.
Joanne says
My heart breaks to read your story. Why is it there are so very many people in our lives who also NEED to be reading Marc&Angel too, so THEY can get the help THEY need! It’s like we suddenly need to realize we have to save ourselves, without feeling the least bit selfish. Be strong. You may not understand why, but you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now and you will prevail. You deserve more. Don’t accept anything less.
Matthew says
My attitude sucks and pretty much everything written about here applies to me. Been depressed half my life at this point, about 20 years…it’s so hard to change when you’ve gotten used to thinking a certain way, but I have to keep trying if I ever want to be happy. This article has given me some thins to reflect on. Thanks very much.
Ellen says
This was an interesting read. As an adult, I’ve struggled with the effects of trauma from an abusive childhood. I replaced “attitude” with “trauma” as I read and it fit quite nicely – except for the idea that one must simply examine their attitudes and challenge them.
For some, it’s much more than examining and challenging an attitude, but healing from things that shaped those attitudes, then challenging them from a stronger, healthier place.
Terri says
All I can say is that I just bookmarked this article so I can read it everyday if I need to.
Every bit of it hits home for me.