A Good Girl (Who Didn’t Make It)
Alyssa was my best friend. She was a talented musician, a graceful gymnast, a brilliant writer, and a deeply passionate human being. She cared about people. Love bled from every facet of her being. When she spoke, her eyes were as sincere as her words. And she always wanted to understand what was wrong so she could strive to make it better.
But Alyssa woke up one day during her senior year in college with a strange pain in her chest. The on-campus doctors didn’t understand why, so they referred her to a specialist. After several MRIs and blood tests, they determined that she had a rare, escalated case of Hodgkin’s lymphoma—a form of cancer. She spent the next three years suffering through varying degrees of pain and sickness as multiple doctors treated her with radiation and chemotherapy. And although these doctors were initially hopeful, Alyssa’s condition worsened, and she eventually succumbed to her cancer, dying on her 25th birthday.
A Bad Guy (Who Did)
Ethan was also my friend. Although not as multi-talented as Alyssa, he was incredibly smart, particularly when it came to money and business tactics. But sadly, he didn’t care about people one bit. I eventually learned, just before ending our 10-year friendship, that he ripped people off for a living. He primarily targeted elderly folks who had a relatively small life savings. “They’re all suckers,” he told me. And he felt no remorse because, he continued, “they’ll all be dead soon anyway.”
Today, at the age of 37, Ethan is a multi-millionaire. And although we haven’t spoken in years, I’ve heard from others that he still hasn’t gotten into any legal trouble—largely, I think, because of the calculated legal threats I’ve heard he makes to anyone he suspects might have a good conscience. I hear, also, that he doesn’t suffer from any major health problems, and that he, his complicit wife, and his two healthy sons live in a mansion somewhere in Los Angeles.
The Reason We Make Our Time Count
These are real stories, and yet they’re old stories—familiar stories. The people and circumstances differ slightly for everyone who tells them, but the core lessons remain the same: Life is short and it isn’t fair. Bad things do happen to good people. And good things do happen to bad people.
Tragically, these stories and lessons often fuel the excuses many of us use when we choose not to follow our hearts. And they fuel the excuses many of us use when we choose to treat ourselves and each other without dignity and respect. “Why care?” we argue, “when the Alyssa’s of the world suffer and die young while the Ethan’s of the world sip wine at five-star resorts well into their eighties.”
But for some of us, Alyssa and Ethan are the reason we do follow our hearts. His story is the reason we live to make the world a little brighter, to make people a little happier. And her story is the reason we use all of the strength we have right now. Because we know we may not have the same strength tomorrow…
Because a world with no guarantees requires us to make the best of the precious little time we have left.
Notes to Self for Making YOUR Time Count
The key, Angel and I have discovered, is keeping the right thoughts and intentions at the top of our minds on a daily basis. Over the past decade we’ve written various “notes to self” like the ones I’ve listed below (all of which are now excerpts from our NYT bestselling book), and then we’ve placed them where we can easily see and reference them (for example, several of our original notes are presently taped up over our desks in our home office). These “notes to self” help us stay on track, by empowering us to make the best and most effective use of our time.
We’ve passed these notes on to our course students and live seminar attendees over the years, and many of them have thanked us for doing so. We hope YOU find value in them today, too:
1. Opportunity is only ever found in the present.
Some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness and peace. Don’t be one of them. Life is too short. Time is running out. Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been. The secret to happiness and peace is letting this moment be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and then making the very best of it.
If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your present and future through that same dirty lens and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. Realize this. What you do now matters more than what happened yesterday.
2. Your entire life can be customized from day to day.
There are hundreds of people in every town on Earth who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything. Don’t be one of them. Don’t settle for the default settings in life.
Find your loves, your talents, your passions, and embrace them. Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions. Don’t let others tell you what you want, or what you are capable of. Explore the unknown! Test the limits! Design YOUR journey every step of the way. The life you create from doing something that moves and excites you is far better than the life you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.
3. The willingness to do hard things makes life worth living.
If you want a job, be ready to work. If you want a relationship, be ready to work. If you want a family, be ready to work. If you want happiness, be ready… To learn and earn and give and grow, NOT just want and have and take and show.
Truth be told, one of the most important abilities you can develop in life is the willingness to accept and grow through life’s challenges and discomforts. Because the best things are often hard to come by, at least initially. And if you shy away from hard work and discomfort, you’ll miss out on them entirely. Mastering a new skill is hard. Building a business is hard. Writing a book is hard. A marriage is hard. Friendship is hard. Parenting is hard. Staying healthy is hard. But all are amazing and worth every bit of effort you can muster.
4. Daily kindness is a beautiful legacy to leave behind.
Some people will be kind to you. Some won’t. Be kind anyway.
Through kindness you have the ability to make a profound difference in every life you touch, including your own. When you guide somebody who is lost and confused, when you hold somebody who is sad and grieving, when you hug somebody who has lost all their hope, you too will feel yourself healing and growing stronger.
So just keep reminding yourself that you will end up terribly disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart, strength and inner resolve as you. No matter what has happened, or what happens today, let kindness be your superpower. Being extra kind to people is a peaceful way to live in each moment, and a beautiful legacy to leave behind in the long run.
5. Everything will change again, faster and sooner than expected.
Nothing lasts. Everything changes. Day to day is a winding journey.
As human beings we are constantly outgrowing what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and falling in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life literally keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons. Trust the journey.
You will gradually learn that nobody gets too far without losing somebody they love, something they need, or something they thought was meant to be. But it is these very losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities. Embrace these opportunities. Enter new relationships and new situations, knowing that you are venturing into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to experience something or meet somebody that just might change your life forever.
Afterthoughts & Questions…
Although it still hurts sometimes, it’s also inspiring to think that, a whole decade after her passing, fond memories of my friend Alyssa continue to guide many of the decisions Angel and I make on a daily basis. And Alyssa is not our only source of inspiration. Over the years Angel and I have lost several key figures in our lives too soon to death, including Angel’s brother Todd and our mutual best friend Josh. Every single word we write on this blog and in our books, every single live event we host, and every coaching session we hold with a student, is done with these people, and the “notes to self” they’ve inspired, in mind.
And, I’m sure you can relate in some way…
To a greater or lesser extent, we all know deep down that life is short, and that our mortality—our inevitable demise—will catch up to each and every one of us eventually. And yet we are infinitely surprised when it catches up to somebody we know. It’s like walking up a long flight of stairs with a distracted mind and miscalculating the final step. You expected there to be one more stair than there is, but there isn’t, and so you find yourself off balance, tripping over yourself for a while, until your mind shifts back to the present moment and the reality of how life really is.
Let’s take a deep breath right now and take this to heart.
Let’s make the best of the precious little time we have left, together.
. . .
And if you’re feeling up to it, I’d love to know what you think of this short essay.
What resonated?
What’s on your mind right now?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
May Evans says
Yes, looking for life to be fair is a younger interpretation of our school days and a way to try and make sense out of life. As we mature emotionally and psychologically, if we continue holding on to this limited way of thinking, we are living with unrealistic expectations. There may be no outward justice in life and it can look like folks are happily getting away with something. But from my 20+ years as a psychotherapist and coach, that is not usually true. In the unseen world, folks who live their lives from fear and greed rarely live with inner peace. And this post has some very wise reminders on how to do the opposite, and truly live with inner peace.
Thank you Marc and Angel for continuing to share your stories and strategies for living with the world. I regularly use your GBTH book, blog and GBTH online course material with my therapy clients. You have been helping me help others make the best of their lives for the past several years, and for that I am grateful.
Tara says
Lovely. Agree.
Hanna says
Beautiful. The stories and general reminder to make the best of the limited time we have count…it all resonates. I think the most important thing is that we all see the value of both the Alyssas and the Ethans of the world. There is a lesson in every person’s story. The deeper you look, the more you learn. And if a learning opportunity is created, even under the worst circumstances, the benefits are as undeniable as any notable tragedy.
PS. I saw the email Angel sent about the Think Better Live Better 2019 pre-sale. Looking forward attending again. 🙂
Darrell says
Your emails always arrive on time. Thanks for sending the link to this essay today. Above all, such an incredibly poignant reminder of why we really do need to appreciate each day and never take our family or own health for granted. I’ll be sure to have the sentiments of this essay my mind when my wife and kids greet me tonight at our front door (God willing).
Liz Lottering says
you two are a wonderful inspiration to me.
Thank you !!! God Bless !!!
Debbie says
Just read your post for the first time. It totally resonated with me as I am surrounded by Allysas and Ethans for decades now. Very unfair to many, including myself, until I found a way to embrace it all and learn from it all, as part of life. Taught my teenaged boys to expect it, but to remain true to themselves, like I did. Reading still is a constant source of strength to keep the faith and it is true, I sleep soundly while I know of mean people who can’t. So remain beautiful, let them wither instead, from their own wrongdoings.
Mateusz says
Just eating breakfast and came upon this article on my phone. I really enjoyed it so thanks and keep at it. All you wrote make perfect sense to me.
tia shurina says
my son, a college athlete, keeps a ‘note to self” over his bed so is the 1st thing he sees as he rises for his very early hockey practices…
SLEEP
BREATHE
EAT
MOVE
REPEAT
k e e p m o v i n g
Thank u both for a precious remind about the present moment.
note to self…deep breaths, open heart, keep reading Marc&Angel!
xo
Suzy Cheney says
Thank you for this post. I had been feeling lately that being kind and “sweet” (as others have described me) was being weak in today’s world, and that I was a “sucker” for being generous and empathetic with others. I’m going to remain true to myself and my conscience because that’s the only way I can live with myself peacefully.
Thank you for reminding me that this is not a bad thing or a sign of weakness.
Keep up the good work!
Gayle Riley says
I love what was written about everyone not being like me. I shouldn’t expect them to treat me how I treat others.
Also wish there was an audiobook for you new release.
Patricia says
So true. Life is fleeting. At times things do not make sense nor seem fair. Each day is a gift. We just were with my family at my son’s wedding this past August. Soon thereafter we got word my 39 y/o nephew, husband, dad of three — suddenly passed away by a virus that went to his heart. I can’t help looking back at pictures of that time just so recently and LOOK AT how happy and healthy all looked. He died one month to the day prior to his 40th birthday with so many plans and dreams ahead. Little did we know in August those would be his final days and our last time ever together again as a family.
Jean Sutton says
Thank you. I needed these words today. It would have been my son’s 45th birthday today. He has been gone now for 14 years. On top of that, this weekend has been filled with people who think more of themselves than others. I always try No. 4 but today will try harder.
4. Daily kindness is a beautiful legacy to leave behind.
Carolina says
As another writer wrote above, your emails always come at very opportune moments. Yesterday I spent the day w/three of my grandchildren, my 80 yr. old parents, my husband and my son in law.
We had a lovely day with lots of food, laughing, playing and much joy. The only one missing was my oldest daughter, the mother to my grandchildren. We have been estranged since December and in her words “You’re dead to me.”
With the wise words from Marc and Angel, I have to been able to appreciate and love all who are with me in the here and now, and move past my grief of losing my daughter.
I have much to be grateful for, life is very good. Thank you Marc and Angel~
Nildy says
Your daughter is still living and breathing. She doesn’t communicate with you , well ok, wish her well anyway and realize she needs to work through some issues. Just be there when she is ready to look for you and in the meantime, let it go. Quit rehearsing those last words.
LJ says
Thank you for this…great advice..my second daughter has not spoken to me in over a year. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.I do wish her well and I need to let it go. I am here when she is ready.
Faith says
Your essay is a wake up call for me. I am in a tertiary institution, some of my friends are way ahead of me. They are either working ,traveling, making it in the world well my path is slow. However I just found out I may or may not have much time left …and I sit and think of all the time I have spent thinking ,wishing I could do this and that,dreaming of how I my life should be in the future. And now time for me is very important, every step I take I have to make it count, no more postponing,and procrastination just leaving in the moment . so thank you for your essay , I have to live everyday of my remaining life to like it’s my last. Perfect timing too.
Sarah Dunn says
Wow, I read this at the exact moment I was feeling down about a situation with my partner. After reading this article, I felt alive and was able to release the hurt that I felt. I will soo embrace life a bit more. Thank you 🌹
Adrienne says
Such an inspiration!
I’m reminded that somehow it is seems that it’s always the good people that find misfortune and die early. My kind lovely father succumbed at 76 to early onset Alzheimer’s (diagnosed at 64) while my mother (who I am lucky to still have at 90) is cruel and heartless and has all her faculties.
Susan says
We should be kind to others, not because they are nice because we are.
Kathryn says
Thank you for these posts. I just lost my mom at 89 and she was my best friend. I never considered how my life would feel without my mom, as if she would be the cherished comfy chair in the corner that would always be there. It does not matter how old one is when we lose them; they leave a hole in our lives. But they also leave memories and lessons for us to build on.My mom was parent, sister, friend and ultimately child in the latter caregiving years I spent with her. I often thanked her for being my mom. She was extraordinary because she was ordinary and loved life. Your posts are timely and poignant. She would have loved them and I find comfort and insight in your words. We are all not so different, regardless of when a loss occurs. It shows how much a life matters and affects us all.in our lives in the grand scheme of things. If you can, try to tell them in the living years.
Kate says
I read your essays everyday. I always find something in them that resonates. In a couple weeks it will be the 4th anniversary of the death of my best friend, my muse, my soul mate. She battled beast cancer for 25 years and stayed alive long enough to see her daughter married. This time of year is difficult for me. Because I miss her so much. But it also is the time that in remembering her, I remember that life is incredibly short and we don’t know how much time we have left. So I vow to love and care for others everyday. People I know. People I don’t. I fall down and I get back up. And try again.
Lynne Stalbaum says
This post was beautiful!! Thank you and may God bless you both!!
Agnetha K. says
My father always told me not to wish my life away as life is too short to waste on what doesn’t matter. I now see the wisdom of his words, especially as I will be 60 next year. This is an excellent article, Marc and one I will take on board. Thank you.
Tony says
Absolutely beautiful but also heartwrenching 😢
hassan says
Just like Debbie this is my first essay from you beautiful people….i was having a stressed day …..and like Debbie i take solace in reading ….so this essay soothed the rough edges of the feelings i had for the people who caused me the stress…..and to quote Debbie i shall remain beautiful and let them wither from their wrong doings…..alooha for now….
Elle says
I love your emails and it makes sense the things you suggest to do. But I struggle with actually doing it. How do you keep caring about people that don’t seem to care about you? How do you decide which people to keep in your life and which to let go? Family is the hardest for me to deal with and accepting that people can be so selfish. I just really struggle to the point it makes me ill sometimes!
Stan says
I am blessed with many good friends, but I’ve had several Ethan’s in my life. It took a while, but I finally realized that I need to appreciate those truly good friends and work hard to keep them close. The Ethan’s eventually slip away. It is hard to put past hurts behind me, but I keep on trying.
Lisa Tradewell says
I have had a great deal of loss the last three years, my husband kicked me out of our house, a stillborn grandson, my mom a year ago, and my oldest daughter May 30th. Now I am going through a divorce. Through this I know that God, family and friends are more precious than possessions. I have always told my friends and family that I loved them and how important they are. You never know when you will not have that opportunity again.
GPB says
So glad I found you guys through a google search on a certain subject. It truly is a struggle when you have been slammed down by life and you don’t have a support system. Your blogs have become my support system. Every morning I look forward to reading your down to earth sensibility, your pep talks. Thank you!
Monica Myers says
Good morning,
I read and often share your blog posts with family, friends and co-workers. The strength I gain from your wisdom is priceless.
Thank you for GOING BEYOND the boundaries and giving to us all!
Lynda Adair says
I so needed your words today. I am grieving the two year anniversary of my brother’s untimely death. I make it a priority daily to remember the good times we shared together when he was healthy and happy. He was a very kind person to others and to animals. I work daily to be extra kind to someone daily, no matter what the circumstances.
Amy says
I really needed to read this today, after an awful night of tossing and turning in anguish, my heart in a vice because I was so panic stricken, upset and unhappy with how my life looks. What a wake up call. Thank you for this, and all your wonderful posts. Many have moved me deeply, but I have never written a comment until now. I’m thinking about taking your course, but am scared of facing my feelings. I hope this changes soon.
Anita says
These words resonated with me: “Explore the unknown! Test the limits! Design YOUR journey every step of the way. The life you create from doing something that moves and excites you is far better than the life you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it”
You and Angel capture the pulse of living now. You two are a gift, thank you.
Jackie says
What a beautiful post, thank you for reminding me how precious life is, like you I am reminded by the kindness of others and what a difference that kindness makes. Generally it doesn’t cost a thing but can make a world of difference. I just lost my Dad recently and I often think about how he smiled through all of his struggles and his unconditional love, no matter what. I like to believe that he is still right here with me, with that smile and unconditional love cheering me on through difficult times. I want to be able to walk in his magnificent steps as I make my own way and clear a path for others, much as he did for me and so many others whose lives were touched because he lived his moments as special gifts from God.
Joan says
I always feel that all my friends and love ones leave me. They sometimes die. Or they move away or they drop me for unknown reasons. But then I remember I moved away from my family and home town 55 years ago to move out here to California. And here I met and married the man of my dreams . We are still together although he is 90 years old and had a stroke. But he doesn’t want to let go and he wants to live. And I want to be with him although I know eventually we will be separated briefly until we both die and reunite in the next life. I take care of him and I have learned a lot about life these past 18 months as I take care of my husband. He always thanks me and says he cannot ever repay me but I tell him he did everything for me when he was able and was so generous to me all our lives together. I live in the present and I work daily on improving myself while serving him . When I can I reach out to help others and try to live my life through inspiration from the Spirit.
christine says
The clouds pass and the sun shines on me when I read your emails.
Thank you for your insights and support through this, sometimes hard, but amazing journey.
Makarios Yossi Wanyama says
Wow I am from Kenya. I have been following your Hack Life blog posts and emails for a few years now. Actually at times it has been my leaning place for comfort. Especially because of struggling with depression. Self esteem. And self acceptance.
You have become a very important part of my life today.
Marc and Angel, be so blessed in every way.
Adnan says
The song by the Canadian thrash metal band Annihilator “Sounds Good to Me” has A LOT in common with these five points especially with point number two in particular.
Nemi says
Sometimes, the whole idea of short life is intimidating, its like days are moving past so fast and I m unable to keep up with it!
I have realized that most of us are aware of reality but then too, we stick to our daily circle of life, so religiously, that a single thought of changing a little thing scares us.
These two stories beautifully summarize about the time and making decisions. After all, we will be stories in the end, worth telling for some wisdom to someone for making his/her own decisions.
I’m really very thankful for your email newsletters. Thank you for reminding and inspiring constantly, now I understand what changes with perseverance.
Sharon says
Your words resonated with me on so many levels. My husband and I miscarried our first baby. I was 22 and he was 23. Thankfully we went on to have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. When they were two and nine months old my father died suddenly from a heart attack. He was 52 and I was 27. My husband’s mother died from lung and secondary brain cancer. She was only 59. My husband was 33 and I was 31. Our entire outlook changed. We decided not to sweat the small stuff and live our best possible lives everyday. We wobble. We’re only human. But we try every day to make the most of what and who we have in our lives. After all, that’s all anyone can do.
Thank you for your wonderful articles and fabulous book which continue to keep me on track. Keep up the good work.
Shirley says
Thank you for reminding me how truly grateful I am for one more day with my dearest loved one. I do know how you can wake up one morning and all seems lost and your life will never be the same because of an illness, a car accident, a horrible argument, a change in circumstance, etc. Let us all make every precious moment count NOW!
Kachi says
If there’s a lesson I would put into practice from this, is that life is too short, so don’t leave people the same way you met them. Be happy and kind to everyone you meet because you never can tell if that day would be their last (or even yours).
Also, don’t expect people to have the same heart as you do. Expectations hurt.
Explore things or places you haven’t done before or been to. Opportunities just might be found in them.
Shirlee K Sodini says
I am going to say that I get this, I have many moments of pure joy. I love simple things, clouds, birds, wind in the cat tails, cleaning up from life, making a tidy space, recreating the best I can my home. I love the voices and smiles of my many friends and family. BUT, I can not create this when my husband or a friend states in anger that I should do something that I don’t want to do. Or think something other than I think. I lose my peace and tranquility. My breathing shallows, although I try to harness it, my mind ruminates, chatters until it doesn’t. I know I have wasted precious moments. HELP
Rob says
This is what happens to many, if not most, people, when something happens that they don’t want to happen. You get ‘triggered,’ and a lot of energy from old conditioning starts to come up. You suppressed this energy in the past (because it was painful or uncomfortable) and now when it tries to come up and be released you don’t know how to handle it (because it is STILL scary and uncomfortable). The good news is that there are techniques that will allow you to ‘process’ this energy, they are simple (but not necessarily easy as you have to ‘become comfortable with being uncomfortable’ as Michael Singer (author of The Untethered Soul) says). There is a Facebook group where we discuss these teachings and techniques, if you are serious about being ‘sick and tired’ of these automatic reactions, I highly suggest you join us on this journey. Peace, Rob facebook.com/groups/michaelsinger
Lana says
I’m trying to decide on when to try to have a baby. I know if I wait too long it might be too late, but it is such a scary leap of faith. Our money situation isn’t set in stone. I just wish it were less… up in the air sometimes. We want a kid. But we have also had very little financial stability the past couple years and at 34, we know we need to hurry. It’s so hard to decide when! This post pushes me forward a little.
Moe Williams-Witt says
Thank-you for sharing. I really like your straightforward honesty. It is so much better when we can talk honestly about life, about death and dying, about life and living.
We think we have it all figured out and then we are shot back to the beginning again. But I think it is worth doing over and over again.
Enjoy your career and thanks again!
Dagnified1 says
“To earn and learn and give and grow, NOT just want and have and take and show. ” Definite inspiring meme material here. Grateful follower, Jan
Mary Ann says
I am 71 years old and the expression “life is short” holds more meaning for me every day. Therefore it’s important to me to get the most enjoyment out of each day, even when the day brings challenges. My intention is what makes the difference in how much pleasure I find each day. Your blog is similar to what I want to write about when I get a blog up and going. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Amy says
Hmmmm!!!
This is so explicit and thought provoking.
Thank you, once again
Dona says
Beautiful and heartwarming what resonates the most with me is bad things happen to good people. Just because you do the right thing doesn’t mean it will turn out well, because someone else was not and you get the brunt of the fallout.
Barbara says
Hello- what resonated to me was what happened yesterday isn’t as important to what you do today. I had a misunderstanding with a gal pal and was able to talk about it and resolve it so we could move forward. Realizing we were both disappointed about what happened for different reasons.