When you stop doing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch up with you.
I met a friend at a local coffee shop this morning. She brought her work laptop along so she could show me some of her latest digital art designs. As we chatted and scrolled through her artwork, the laptop suddenly started making an unhealthy buzzing noise, then the screen flickered on and off and finally cut off completely. And as we both stared at one another in disbelief, the funky aroma of fried computer circuits filled our nostrils.
I quickly grabbed the laptop off the counter to inspect it and the problem instantly revealed itself. The bottom of the laptop was soaking wet and an empty, spilt water cup rested against the side of her purse just behind where the laptop was sitting. In the midst of us chatting and shifting the laptop’s 17-inch screen back and forth, we somehow spilt a cup of water the barista had inadvertently placed on the counter behind the screen, which was out of our view.
When life throws us nasty curveballs like this, it typically doesn’t make any sense to us, and our natural emotional reaction might be to get extremely upset and scream obscenities at the top of our lungs. But how does this help our dilemma? Obviously, it doesn’t.
My friend threw her hands up in the air and, to my surprise, cracked a half smile. “That’s exactly why I backed up my files this morning, and why I have full insurance on my laptop,” she said.
I was truly impressed with her response. Many people I know have had meltdowns over much smaller inconveniences.
How about YOU?
How often do your responses, or emotional reactions, to life work against you?
If you’re anything like the rest of us, the answer is likely: more often than you realize.
So realize this now!
When life doesn’t go as planned, it is what it is. Accept it, learn from it and grow. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done; what truly matters is what you do from here.
Let my friend be your inspiration today. Let her calm and collected response inspire you to make some positive shifts in various areas of your life. It’s time to think better and live better!
Which means it’s time to…
1. Stop letting every little problem get the best of you.
Inner peace begins the moment you take a deep breath and choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
In other words, the greater part of your happiness or misery in the long run depends heavily on your attitude, not your circumstances. If you’re stressed out by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your interpretation of it; and this is something you have the power to change. It’s not easy, but it is entirely possible with practice.
It all starts with establishing a baseline level of positive thinking in your daily life. Make it a habit! You need to train your mind to see the good in everything, even when things don’t go as planned. Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. Notice them. Notice again and again how fortunate you are. The evidence is all around you, and it’s beautiful, and well worth gathering into your awareness.
And keep in mind that it takes roughly 66 days to form a new habit like this. So for the next nine weeks, wake up every morning and look at the bright side of your life, and you will begin to rewire your brain.
2. Stop expecting an easy journey to all your goals.
Be patient, but don’t just sit there expecting everything to be easy. Good things don’t come to those who wait for the “easy” way. And patience in life is not about waiting around; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in.
Decades from now when you’re resting on your deathbed, you will not remember the days that were easy, you will cherish the moments when you rose above your difficulties and conquered goals of magnitude. You will dream of the strength you found within yourself that allowed you to achieve what once seemed impossible.
So don’t do what’s easy, do what you’re capable of today. Astound yourself with your own resilience.
And remember, one of the most important moments on any journey is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because, when you are no longer able to change the obstacles in front of you, you are challenged to change yourself from within—to grow beyond the unchangeable obstacles. And that changes absolutely everything.
3. Stop resisting your imperfections.
Every one of us is a perfectionist about something. Learn to sense when your desire to make something perfect is preventing you from getting it done well. Realize that the idea of perfection is not only unachievable, it can destroy your otherwise productive mindset. It will keep you running in place, feeling insane for your entire life.
If you feel like you’re running in place right now, take a break and reflect. Think about the difference between diligent effort and perfectionism, and figure out what is triggering you. Because whatever triggers you also reveals what you need to heal.
Do your best to bring conscious awareness to what’s going through your worried mind when you’re not feeling good enough. Why do you feel this way? Who are you with this train of thought? Who would you be, and what else would you see, if you removed it?
Know when enough is enough! Say it out loud if you must: “Get lost perfectionism! Without you I am brilliant!” (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
4. Stop looking past the moment you’re living in.
Isn’t it strange how life works? You want something and you work for it and wait for it and work for it and wait for it, and you feel like it’s taking forever to arrive. Then it happens and it’s over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.
So, how can you avoid these feelings of loss and confusion?
By being more present every step of the way.
Pursue your goals and dreams while at the same time enjoying the journey of getting there. Embrace the step you’re taking, even when you feel like you’ve lost your footing. Sometimes the road gets bumpy. Every step doesn’t have to be comfortable or perfectly placed.
By letting go of what “should” happen or what “could” happen every step of the way, you free up your life to various little surprises and joys. You may not lead the exact life you want, but you will lead a meaningful, miraculous existence, guaranteed. Life is sometimes difficult, but it’s not a chore. Make it an adventure. Make it fun. Make a choice to feel good about yourself, about your world, about your possibilities and the step you’re taking right now.
5. Stop disempowering yourself with weak language.
Confident people use words with intention. YOU can be one of them!
Consider the difference between these two aspiring bloggers (two course students of ours) I recently spoke with:
One says: “Yes, I am a blogger. You like meditation and yoga too? Excellent! We need to connect on this subject—check out my new mindfulness guide I just posted at…”
And the other says: “Well, I’m trying to blog but am not sure I’m doing it right (nervous giggle). I wish I had started sooner… blah, blah.”
Which one do you think gets the most views, comments and social shares on their blog posts?
Bottom line: If you’re trying to build something or become something, own it and speak like you mean it. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Motivation chapter of our New York Times bestselling book, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs.)
6. Stop expecting everyone to be as kind, courteous, or caring as you are.
You will end up sadly disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
Be kind anyway!
And remember, being kind to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions. So be kinder than necessary today. What goes around comes around in the long run. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is.
7. Stop being so rigid (or so “mature”) about letting loose and having fun.
Sometimes we put too much weight into trying to control every tiny aspect of our lives. Switch gears, relax and ride the path that life takes you sometimes. Try something new, be a bit daring, and explore your curiosity.
Letting go a little lets you experience more of the unexpected. And the greatest joys in life are often the unexpected surprises that you never intended to happen. If you want to get really good at something—personally or professionally—let go of your expectations and replace them with the notion of endless playful exploration.
We don’t stop dreaming and exploring because we grow old; we grow old because we stop dreaming and exploring. So don’t stop! 😉
Now, it’s your turn…
In light of everything you’ve just read, I have a challenge for you:
Pick one of the points above and start consciously working on it. Make doing so a positive daily ritual in your life.
And do your best not to fall back into your old patterns. Toxic habits and behaviors always try to sneak back in when you’re doing better. Stay focused and positive about what’s to come, by being consistent with what you know in your heart is right.
(Note: Angel and I customize and implement the aforementioned points with our students in the Getting Back to Happy Course & Coaching.)
. . .
And before you go, I’d love to hear from YOU in the comments section below.
Which point above resonates with you the most? (Which one do you need to STOP doing to yourself?)
Please share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Erica Gomez says
This is a solid read. I would also add: Not being grateful for what you have right now (which goes along well with your 4th point and my favorite here). Being grateful for what you have is one of the most important habits that you two helped me cultivate over the last three years. When I spoke to you in a coaching session three years ago, about all I had was my two sons and a roof over our heads. Every other part of my life was uncertain and chaotic. After receiving a little guidance from you in your course coaching sessions I realized I would not have changed a thing about what I had. I was very blessed having those two healthy faces looking at me. I realized life was good and everything would continue to get better as long as I kept pushing ahead. And that’s exactly what I did.
Thank you for this post, and for everything. I just wanted to send you a little extra gratitude today.
Florence says
Thank you because your blog is a reminder of how I feel about life. I do treasure the simple moments and the experiences life offers. Noticing small occurrences bring me instant joy! The part of your email that struck me was the reactiom to the computer mishap- what a gift to be accepting and proactive. Thank you. Blessed days!
Med says
Thank you so much Erica for this good comment , you’re absolutly right , to be grateful for what we have right now is the key of big miracles in life .
JC says
These points are all spot on! Thank you for continuing to light my email box up with useful tools and tips.
In this post for me it would have to be number 1—focusing on every little problem. It’s something your emails and book have helped me with, but I’m still working on it. My negative mind sneaks up on me more often than I like. It’s like my default reaction sometimes is to look for the problems in every solution. Thank you for another poignant reminder.
Brianna says
These are definitely habits to avoid. Thank you again for sharing such a helpful post that gets me thinking differently about the way I’ve been handling things. The last few years I have been dealing with some issues that almost broke me. Like JC already said, reading your emails and books continues to help me put things into perspective … Pushing me to move forward and find happier, healthier mindsets and moments.
Kate says
These are all great tips. Everything was very well said. Thanks so much for sharing.
-Kate
daysofkate.com
Mamta Shetty says
Hi,
This was an amazing read, it did make me think on many lines and a great way to introspect your own self. However, i do have one question wherein in of the point it was mentioned that we need to be kind to the person who is not kind to us anyway, however is there a way to communicate and express yourself to that person so that even he gets better if he is not there?
Melanie Schadewald says
Wow! What a fantastic article! The point that I am going to work on is #3: Stop Resisting My Imperfections.
I was raised with high standards, and a lot of what came with this achievement-model of living, was perfectionism. I have considered myself a “recovering perfectionist ” for years, but never associated getting triggered with perfectionism. I primarily attributed it to being sensitive. Thank you for bringing new awareness to me around this!
Teresa M Mceathron says
Being greatful for what I have. Has been a huge issue. I was not working on it before. I was only running away. I love these emails and the knowledge it brings me. It helps so much. It will be a struggle but a good one. I can do it without running away from my problems. I read this stuff when I get down.
Paul B says
As a child I was not allowed to have friends visit my home, nor was I allowed to participate in Cub Scouts, comics, etc. What I learned was that “fun: was a waste of time – and fun with any “friends was unacceptable. I turned to solitary activities (like music) which while turned in my favor, always brought a lifetime of feeling socially inadequate – not to mention “friendless.” I turned to rigidity – be in control – control everything you can – avoid situations I can’t control – it really brought me unhappiness. I am aware now of that choice and am trying to change it – but nearly every one of these points has been a part of my life. I am just glad I still have some years left where I might actually be a peace with myself. Finally.
Laurie says
#2, stop expecting an easy journey to your goals. I needed to hear this today. Some days I just want to give up, but I know I need to push myself to get to my dreams and goals. Thank you for your practical advice and encouragement!
Taya says
This article really resonated with me. Sometimes I need a reminder to just ENJOY life! I’m getting better at it but not when unexpected challenges arise. Which is why this article really resonated with me.
Even though all of these points made me think, I’d have to pick #6. I try and be kind and thoughtful to everyone. And when I’m not treated the same, I get really upset. “It’s not that hard to be nice!” But like you said “not everyone has the same heart as you”. If everyone was the same, the world would be a boring place. Thank you for the reminder. This was my first article of yours I’ve read and I can’t wait to read more of your content!
Andrea says
Great article. I think it’s important to remember to not give up. Whenever something doesn’t go as planned, I lose so much motivation when really I should use that as motivation to work harder!
Ps says
The timing is a God-thing! Yesterday had a negative experience and felt discouraged and battled old feelings and labels. Reading your post reminded me of the right way to look at what happened. Feel calm and confident about moving forward. Thanks
Reno Rick says
Hi Marc: You asked at the end of your post, “Which point resonates with you the most? – pick one.“ At the present time it w/b #6. Stop expecting everyone to be as kind, courteous, or caring as you are.
During the past six months, have had several very close friends [or I thought they were] say callous and spiteful things to me – and I did not and still do not, understand “why”. They will not revisit the conversations with me – to have a “deep/meaningful discussion” so I can understand their motivation for doing so. Your statement, “No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is.” Obviously, my former friends did feel strong as they walked away. Yes, I would say so!!
Catherine says
Thank you again for these wonderful reminders. It makes me take a moment at work to slow down and focus on me. The reminder about perfection is definitely an area for me to work on this coming 9 weeks (and forever). I am harder on myself than anyone, and it doesn’t make me better – it makes me tense and unhappy. It makes me hide from things and people that might “uncover the truth” but really it is just limiting thinking instead of freeing me. As I have these thoughts, I will remind myself to “be unafraid – be curious instead” so that I can get beyond the need to be perfect and focus on growth instead.
Bird says
Very good advice. One small reminder….not everyone who visits your website is young. “Decades from now when you’re resting on your deathbed….” doesn’t apply to some of us who don’t have decades left to live. For that matter, who really knows how much time any of us have left to live, young or old? All the more reason to heed your advice and be mindful of these things each day.
Jan says
Anyone know how I could print this from my phone?
Mel says
The email that linked me to this post was very timely, as I have slipped back to negativity in the last few days. As others have said it is a very solid post and there is so much good advice and insight . For me there are two things that stand out – the need to develop a habit of positivity – and dedicate the next 66 days to consciously doing that through gratitude and being in the present moment. To avoid a habit of negative reaction it makes perfect sense that I need to consciously develop a habit of seeing things in a positive frame. I noted that the reason your friend could be positive was that they had put thought and effort into protecting their work. A reminder that forethought and action can make life go more smoothly! The other strong point was not to expect things to be easy – when I reflected on this I realised that the times I have often felt most alive was when I was having to respond to challenging circumstances . Thanks always for your wise encouragement.
L J says
Thank for the above, really made me stop and think. Point 6 is something that even at a mature age I’m still trying to learn!
Irene says
Stop being so rigid (or so “mature”) about letting loose and having fun. – People may hurt you by their actions and words, but consider that they may be undergoing something you do not know of, so try to understand them at that moment. In other words, do not take everything personally.
I continue to learn that not everything is about me.
Joecy says
Great article, love it!!
Taonga Nyirenda says
Hello, I was one person who wasn’t even sure of what I Wanted in life, I was selfless and never cared for my inner being. This brought even more stress and depression bcoz I never loved my self. Am glad am talking of a new story now, am so full of joy and happiness ever since I learnt about being filled with positivity and consciously enjoying and embracing moments. Mostly I learnt not to allow any EVENTS OR PEOPLE to control my emotions and not to let problems take the best of me.
Eme says
I love this post so much! I think the one that really resonates with me is the one about not being so rigid in letting loose and having some fun!
Eme xo
peoniesandpassionfruit.com
Achiliz says
The laptop! My version was my car! I have been taking it to one mechanic after the other to fix a ratlling noise so loud when i got off road, yet they only seem to fix other things..so got recommendation to go to another mechanic for trial..as of monday i mentally decided my car would be at another garage on wednesday but the garage wasnot picking my phone.. i was super uneasy.. the car been acting up and lost confidence in its safety.. feeling defeated, decided to have it cleaned..the car wash asked if they could wash the engine, i would usually say no but i said yes.. once cleaned, i was driving home – first onto the highway, when the car just gave out! Litterally stopped.. at first i tried calling the cleaning folks with intention to complain about the washing of the engine and how it was poorly done and now my car stalled, luckily after two tries no one was picking up.. was about to call again, the it occurred to me.. what will i achieve with blaming them.. their intent was to clean a rather dirty car. And anyhow- it was stalled and they are not mechanics.. with that realization, i ended up having a rather interesting 3 hours by the road- as some young lads offered to help, and called a mechanic.. As of this am, the mechanic fixed this problem and it was not caused by washing the engine but a cracked shaft.. i am excited about being more alive, accepting curve balls.. what i am intentionally working towards is number 4 and 5.. being present, not waiting till i am in a relatiomship again to be happy, and struggling with fears of letting and really getting deep into things i love. Thanks for the constant reminder!!
Nichole | Wildly Alive says
“Get lost perfectionism! Without you I am brilliant!” – Such a powerful quote! Thanks for reminding us that its okay to make mistakes. That its okay to be not perfect. We should stop trying ourselves to be perfect. Because the reality is, no one is. We are all humans. We should allow ourselves to be human.
Remy says
Nice read.. Will use this as I go through the process of loving myself again. Moving on from an unhealthy relationship. This article helps!
Marcel says
If you’re stressed out by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your interpretation of it.
I love this and can reasonate with this: It sounds so somple, yet it can be hard to do. Let me correct. We make it hard.
There will always be problems in all areas of life. And its so easy to take them back home, think about them, make them bigger, dwell about it and let us drain in negative emotion.
Writing about this actually makes me realize hos stupid this behaviour/mondset is (On a sidenote: I realize how just writing things down and articulating thoughts can be so helpful and liberating:). Anyway, If we are at home and have dinner, play, watch TV, read etc. we can’t change anything about any possible problem at work. So why bother about and let it ruin our current level of happiness or self worth?? When we go back to work, then we can face the situation/problem.
Also I strongly believe that if you step away from too much worrying about negative and nagging circumstances and rather enjoy what you are currently doing there actually is a chance that in this kind of relaxed flow-fun-ease of mind state the solution to a problem will all of a sudden appear.
Either way. Thank you guys for this practical and inspiring post. You made my sunday and I will go to bed with a deeper sense of peace.
Have a fantastic week.
greets from germany