“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”
— Maya Angelou
It is what it is. Accept it, learn from it, and grow from it. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done; what truly matters is what you do from here.
And what you need to remember right now is that you can’t heal yourself in the same exact environment where you got sick. You need to surround yourself with situations and people that push you to heal and grow. Less drama, less mess.
Because the truth is, you won’t always be a priority to others—or to the world’s agenda at large—and that’s why you need to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself, and become your own support system. Your needs matter. Start meeting them.
Don’t wait on others to choose you.
Choose yourself, today!
Choose to live your life today not as a bystander—not as a prisoner to the old environments and beliefs that sometimes keep you stuck. But to instead live as an active participant, engaged in the new possibilities in front of you.
That’s your choice! YOUR choice!
You are choosing right now…
1. Choose an attitude that moves you forward.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”
In other words, a peaceful and mentally strong person is not a someone who’s always in a good situation, but rather someone who always has a good attitude in every situation.
Regardless of what you’re going though, it’s about choosing: Will I allow this to upset me? Will I choose to make this bad or good? Will I choose to stay or walk away? Will I choose to yell or whisper? Will I choose to react or take the time to mindfully respond?
When our course students come to us feeling down about a life situation they can’t control, we typically start by reinforcing the hard truth: sometimes changing your situation isn’t possible, or simply not possible soon enough. You can’t get to a new job in an instant. You can’t make someone else change against his or her will. And you certainly can’t erase the past. But…
You CAN always choose an attitude that moves you forward. And doing so will help you change things from the inside out, and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.
2. Choose to focus only on today.
No matter what’s happening, you can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you add the battles of those two mind-bending eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly intense and complicated.
Accept that it’s not the experience of today that holds you back and drives you mad, but the regret and resentment about something that happened yesterday or the fear and dread of what tomorrow might bring, but probably won’t. It’s necessary, then, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.
And this same strategy applies to your goals too—they don’t need to be so darn grandiose and convoluted that they frighten you. If your goals excite you, and are broken down into manageable chunks, you’ll be compelled to move forward with them. If they are based on what brings meaning into your life, not just what you think you “should” do, working on them will flow easier into each new day. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Goals & Success” chapter of our brand NEW edition of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Choose to take the next step.
It really only takes a small shift everyday that over time amounts to enormous change.
People don’t suddenly heal and start living their ideal life overnight—their daily rituals (tiny steps) play a massive role in making it possible for them to create the life they sincerely want to live.
You can choose to develop daily rituals that point you in the direction of creating your ideal life—or rituals that keep you firmly anchored to your present situation. Make the decision. Make the commitment. Then take the next tiniest step forward in the direction you choose to go.
Honestly, that’s all life is—tiny, positive steps that you take moment by moment, and then one day when you look back it all adds up to something worthwhile – something that’s often far better, and different, than what you had imagined when you began your journey. (Angel and I build tiny, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of the Getting Back to Happy Course.)
4. Choose to take things less personally.
After a couple decades of intentional soul searching, I finally figured out that there’s absolutely no benefit to holding on to anger, resentment or any of their close cousins. Truthfully, I would not be the human being I am today if it weren’t for each and every life experience I’ve had. And the same is true for you.
Screwing up, making mistakes, and letting people down occasionally isn’t wrong—it’s being human.
When I realized this truth, and accepted it, I opened my awareness to the fact that not everything, or perhaps even anything, that anyone else ever does is about me.
Think about the last time you were unkind to someone. Was it because of them, or because of you? Perhaps you were just having a bad day at the time, right?
Truth be told, if someone hurts you, chances are they have been hurt themselves. So do your very best to never take anything too personally. Don’t let vain insults get to your heart. Most human beings can only give others what they have received themselves. All of your actions and intentions should come from a place of love, but not everyone will be loving in return, and that’s perfectly OK.
As Miguel Ruiz explained in his book The Four Agreements, when you do not take anything personally, you liberate yourself. You can open yourself to the world, freely, and not have to worry about the judgments of others.
5. Choose to create healthy space for yourself (away from sources of negativity).
It doesn’t matter if it’s your dad, sister, cousin, friend or coworker that’s spewing negativity at you, if they are bringing you down on a daily basis, you need to spend less time with them. No, this doesn’t mean you have to exile them from your life – it simply means you can choose to carve out time away from them, to reclaim some positivity and sanity.
There’s a big difference between accepting that someone’s negative actions or behavior is born from a place of anxiety or insecurity versus excusing their behavior and therefore enabling it to continue relentlessly in your life.
We don’t have to condone a person’s negative behavior toward us, even though we may be compassionate, loving and understanding of its origins.
At some point we all have to be accountable for our own well-being. And quite honestly, if someone decides to lash out at you again and again, you’re not obligated to be a punching bag.
Also, keep in mind that differing opinions are a part of life and relationships. But when we come across people who are intent on delivering harsh criticism from the sidelines, sometimes we just have to tell ourselves that we may not be doing it perfectly in their eyes, but hey, at least we’re stepping up and doing it. At least we’re getting up, showing up, walking into that darn arena every day and turning to face the crowd, shouting: “Here I am, trying my best! I’m a work in progress and I’m OK with it!”
6. Choose to seek support only from the right sources.
Think for a moment… If you were craving pizza, would you go to a Japanese sushi bar? No! Because you know they don’t serve pizza at a Japanese sushi bar. In fact, they wouldn’t even have the right ingredients to make a pizza even if they were willing to customize a special order for you. If you really wanted pizza, you would simply go to an Italian restaurant that serves it, right?
Now think about the people you go to when you’re craving support, reassurance, guidance, healthy feedback, or simply a loving, listening ear. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you go to people who don’t have what you need on their menu, and thus find yourself endlessly discouraged and disappointed?
Bottom line: It’s time to align your hunger with where you dine. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of our New York Times bestselling book, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs.)
7. Choose to be OK with NOT being perfectly OK.
Even though it’s true that life’s challenges make us stronger, and that it will be OK eventually… it’s not always OK right now, and sometimes that’s all we can feel when we’re in the midst of terribly tough times. Sometimes NOT being OK is all we can register inside our tired brains and aching hearts. This feeling is normal. This emotion is human. And accepting this can feel like a small weight lifted.
The truth is, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer living and breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world. It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had not planned for. It’s not OK when the bank account is nearly at zero, with no clear sign of a promising income opportunity. It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you and breaks your heart. It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained to the point you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning. It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known before.
Whatever your tough times consist of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now. And that, again, is more than OK.
Yes, I’m suggesting to try your hardest to be perfectly OK with not being perfectly OK all the time. Because those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who lay a firm foundation of growth with the bricks life has thrown at them. Don’t be afraid to fall apart for a little while, because when it happens, the situation will open an opportunity for you to grow and rebuild yourself into the brilliant human being you are capable of being, one brick at a time.
(Note: Angel and I customize and implement all of the aforementioned points with our students in the Getting Back to Happy Course & Coaching.)
The floor is yours…
We would love to hear from YOU.
Please leave a comment below and let us know:
Which point above resonates with you the most right now, and why?
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Elda says
Number 7 for me….I am ok with still grieving for my grandson….I am ok with being not ok. I will find my way by myself…??
Lee says
I loved this article. It contains some real truths and sound advice. Well said and practical.
Lee Foulis (BSocSci. HONS)
J.J. says
“I thought my life was a tragedy until I discovered I had a choice.”
That one-liner is probably my absolute favorite saying I picked up from your book. I read it when I need some extra inner strength. It reminds me to not pretend that I’m trapped. Even if reality shows me that what I want in a situation is not presently available to me, I still have other options. And I can always choose to make a change of some kind. Even if it’s just changing my attitude or perspective, as you’ve perfectly said in #7. Thank you for another powerful piece of writing.
I’m also grateful to be able to watch the recording of your Think Better conference this week. I’m and hour in and enjoying the lessons. 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the positive feedback about our book. 🙂 And it’s so great to hear you’re enjoying the Think Better, Live Better 2019 recording. Please follow-up with us, if you have questions or additional commentary.
Shana Wedhorn says
The best read ever
Anne Watkis says
Love your comment. I had a very disfunctional upbringing and for years and years I tried to bend myself in half to make them love me. Now I don’t feel the need to try to gain their approval. I am my own approval.
Hilary Danes says
All of it resonates today. I’m so glad I opened the email you sent me that linked to this read.
Every time I run up against adversity and feel like giving up, I always go back to why I started this in the first place. I fuel my present actions with the power of inspiration that i get from my “why”, my family, my friends and from reading blogs/emails like yours.
Marc Chernoff says
Yes. 🙂 Small daily reminders are just a great tool. Keeping the right thoughts at the top of our minds, for those moments when we need them most. And we’re happy to be on the journey with you, Hilary.
Olga says
I love the quote J.J. shared above, and I love this post!
I gotta say, every point here resonates so deeply with me right now, and like J.J. it honestly reminds me of a line from your GBTH book that I have recited to myself frequently over my past few months of struggle:
“Without pain, there would be no change. But remember, pain, just like everything in life, is meant to be learned from and then released.”
Thank you, again, Marc and Angel, for all you two do.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for reading the book and supporting our work, Olga. 🙂 And thanks for sharing your thoughts, too.
Mickey says
Greetings! I hope this comment finds you and yours well.
Each of today’s points help me at the moment, but if I had to choose the one I needed to hear most today, it’s likely point #7. When I think about it, that’s precisely what I need to do MOST right now: To choose to be okay with NOT being perfectly okay. In particular, the following paragraph feels like a lifeline that is enabling me to breathe deeply and freely:
“Yes, I’m suggesting to try your hardest to be perfectly OK with not being perfectly OK all the time. Because those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who lay a firm foundation of growth with the bricks life has thrown at them. Don’t be afraid to fall apart for a little while, because when it happens, the situation will open an opportunity for you to grow and rebuild yourself into the brilliant human being you are capable of being, one brick at a time.”
Phew! Deep inhale and exhale. Yes: Maintaining a long perspective that has me USING the bricks is an empowering thought and approach. Thank you so much for expressing this and sharing it with us, because if I can use the bricks for good AND forgive myself for my missteps and mistakes, that will go far in helping me to heal and continue toward achievement, contentment, purpose, success, and joy. Thank you again, and God bless!
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for this thoughtful reply, Mickey. Truly appreciated.
Mickey says
Greetings! Super helpful post today. Thank you for it!
Question:
Under point #7, in the SECOND paragraph, the SECOND sentence reads: “It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had planned for.” Were you intending to write “in the wreckage of a life you had NOT planned for?”
Again, thank you for this post. Take care!
Marc Chernoff says
Yep. You caught us. Correction made. Thank you.
Perla milner says
“Think better… live better”?Thank u always for your reminder of this!!!
JJ says
I agree is ok, not to be Ok.
I take each day step at a time.
The world is one curler please, but it’s OK.
I have learn a lesson and I have a choice to changes it.
Don’t try to live forever – you can’t – But you can do things that will LIVE forever.
The only thing you can’t recycle is wasted time.
Veronica says
#3. ‘CHOOSE to take the next step’ ….’honestly that’s all life is; tiny positive steps in the direction you want to go’.
Great reminder a Monday morning! Thanks
Rachael says
I absolutely love every article you’ve written but this one is by far THE best! I feel as if it was meant for me? I always look forward to your emails. Thank you so much for being a positive force in this world to give hope and inspiration to others to live life in the best way?
Laura Salisbury says
I feel I was guided to your article today. Every word resonated. Priority – to make oneself the first priority – taking care gently of oneself. One’s inner child- not freaking ones inner child out more by taking small steps and showing the self priority and love
Bensu says
Dear Marc and Angel,
This is what I need to hear this Monday morning! Thank you! I appreciate your encouragement on how to focus on positive outcomes. Thank you. Have a great week.
Alice Clay says
Always something I need to hear in your emails, it’s pretty amazing to me. I needed to hear that it’s OK to not be OK. Let myself realize it, accept it completely, and maybe I can stop beating myself up over thinking that not being OK is a wall I can’t get over. It’s not a wall, it’s a door. Thank you!
Kaye says
It’s not a wall, it’s a door”. Excellent, excellent point! I needed to hear this today.
Pascale says
Marc and Angel,
I have been following you for some years now – and am deeply grateful for your blog. Over time, there have been some repetitions, which is perfectly OK, we all need to be reminded (time and again) of certain truths/facts for them to hopefully, finally sink in!
Even this post and the email that linked to it has some known text in it, but all of it comes in a entirely new outfit. I really read it instead of skimming over it. And thoroughly enjoyed every succulent bit of it!
Bless your generous hearts for the work you do!
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the extra kindness, and for sticking with us over the years. We’re grateful to be on this journey with you, Pascale. 🙂
Mary Weddle says
I am thankful for the work you do. All of the above points resonate for me especially right now in my life. Just yesterday, I picked up my ‘ 1000+ little things Happy successful people do differently” book to reread those sections most needed right now in my life. It brings hope, purpose, and joy into my heart!
Dora Goulart says
I am very thankful for all the work you do. I am waiting for the message every week it bring some comfort and help to deal with my life.
God bless you always for the work you do.
Dora Goulart
Shelley Lagasse says
Do you offer these blogs in audio??? Because I would love to play them while I drive or work around the house….
Jan Korbes says
The bricks of life- the bricks life has thrown at us…for me as a garbage architect i love the idea to build a foundation of what had been thrown at me – especially emotionally in my childhoid. One of your most talking illustrations i have seen so far. It makes me feel my troubles of the moment and imagine what i can build from them…such an incredibly mind blowing temple of bricks of love transformed from all angers and fears …
Victoria Marcelis says
I love this imagery Jan, and I feel your energy and determination!
Lisa Boone says
Dear Marc & Angel,
I am a 60 yr young woman, disabled & recently broke my leg & have been extremely immobile now for 3 wks. & will be for another 5 to 9 wks. This ENTIRE article spoke volumes to me, as every article of yours usually does but, in my current situation #7 really hit home because I’ve had to let go of many of the
“duties” that I am so used to handling day
to day. I’m a Christian so I’ve focused on God’s blessings in my life as much as I possibly can but it is a great reminder to also remember that ‘this too shall pass’ so for now I can be ok with NOT being my normal self & that is ok! Your articles are a lifeline to so many people. Thank you for what you do & please keep it up! I am going through articles I haven’t taken time to read as they are inspiring & hit home 99.9% of the time for me! I am also ordering some of your books this week! I have lots of reading time on my hands right now & need more of your valuable life hacks!
Jen R. says
M&A, thanks so much for sharing your valuable insight. Every point resonates with me, however, there are so many characters allowed..;-)
What I will say is that I have learned is life doesn’t get better by chance, but by choice. I’m truly grateful for having that choice today. My happiness is my responsibility.
Give?Receive?Be?One?.
Respectfully, jen R. (xnavygal)
Kaye says
I need all of this, but especially #2. I have pretty much broken the habit of going backward with regrets. But the future! The future frequently overwhelms and stresses me out. This is an excellent reminder.
I am enjoying your work. Thank you for all you do.
ALLY says
NUMBER 4 – I’ve been working on this for about a year now. Knowing this is freedom. I still struggle with it, but I’m getting better at it. I always look forward to reading my emails from you.
Jennifer says
Thank you.
Lisa B says
Thank you for this. The words “You can’t heal yourself in the same exact environment where you got sick” really resonated with me.
Ronan Hargadon says
I hope you both know what your doing for people because i just cant believe how so many of your posts resonate with me & has to be helping so many others i’m sure so thankyou for your efforts & hard work
Johanna says
Thanks you.
+-Life. says
Thanks for this article!
It’s a reminder even for myself to be okay when things don’t go my way and that the discomfort I experience in the process will help me grow to be a better person.
Vernon Layne says
Life doesn’t have to be a struggle.
Sometimes we make life difficult because we don’t realize we have a choice.
Our lives today are made up of the choices we made yesterday and way back when.
As you said, when we take small positive steps today we are changing our future.
We must focus on where we are going, not where we been or where we think we are.
Ruby S. says
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve been reading your blogs for a week now since I am currently experiencing the darkest time of my life and I’ve been feeling better every day, taking one small step at a time and being ok with my current situation. Again, thank you and God bless!!!
Hillary says
The whole article was ment for me. Every section pieced together is what I need to understand. Everyday I Fall apart but everyday I learn something.