You are the person you believe yourself to be.
“This afternoon I received a formal acceptance letter from Yale University, including a full basketball scholarship. Despite everything my alcoholic father put me through over the years—the hungry, sleepless nights I spent in tears due to their relentless negativity—it didn’t ruin me. With your coaching and guidance, I’ve worked hard to get out of this mess once and for all, and it’s finally paying off.”
That’s the opening paragraph of an email we received last night from Monica, a longtime reader and junior coaching client of ours (she gave me permission to share this with you today). Her email then goes on to say that she has forgiven her mom and stepfather, but also knows being on her own and taking this next step is a priceless gift. “Honestly, for far too long the people in my life had me convinced that I wasn’t good enough,” she says. “And although I hold no grudges, I’m so happy to be able to prove to myself that they were wrong about me.”
Monica’s email made me reflect and smile, for obvious reasons.
And although Monica’s circumstances are unique to her, I bet you can relate on some level. I know I can. Sometimes the pressure and dysfunction coming from family, peers, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel completely broken inside. If we do things differently, we’re looked down upon. If we dream big, we’re ridiculed. Or if we don’t have the right job, relationship, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age or time frame, we start to seriously believe we’re not good enough.
Monica’s story truly is a perfect reminder for all of us too, even though she’s only 18, because the self-limiting beliefs that get instilled in our minds often arrive at an early age.
Maybe we got cut from a sports team as a child and thus determined “I’m not athletic enough to be fit and good at sports.” Or we tried to play a musical instrument and were told to practice outside because we weren’t very good.
For whatever reason, we encounter little struggles or rejections that drastically alter our mindset for years to come. It happens something like this:
- We hear we’re bad at something, or we have a bad experience with something.
- We avoid trying again for a prolonged period of time, because it’s much easier to simply avoid the potential of more pain and disappointment.
- When we do try again, we try half-heartedly, so we can point to that and say, “See? Just as I predicted… it didn’t work out.”
- We never improve in this area of our lives, because we never commit to doing so—we continue to make excuses and take the easy way out.
- It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we’re left feeling pretty lousy about ourselves.
Sound familiar?
It’s time to break yourself out of this cycle, so you can start making progress again.
And the first—and perhaps hardest—step is to stop saying these things to yourself:
1. “Those haters are right about me.”
Don’t let rude people ruin you. Don’t let them keep you down! No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and partake in the decay they choose for their own lives. YOU decide how your soul grows.
Because the truth is, what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them. I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
So stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own. Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities. Rather than being annoyed, be amused. Instead of getting angry, get away. Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings and move on from the drama with your head held high. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Mindfulness” chapter of our New York Times bestselling book, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs.)
2. “It’s important that all my family and friends approve of my desires.”
Most of us are not raised to actively seek our calling. We may not even know that we have one. As kids, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others—that we should find our happiness exactly as they have found theirs.
Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are trained to ask others for permission. We are, in effect, schooled to live other people’s versions of our lives. Every day is designed and developed as told to us by someone else. And then one day when we break free to survey our dreams, seeking to fulfill ourselves, we see that most of our dreams have gone unfulfilled because we believed, and those around us believed, that what we wanted for ourselves was somehow beyond our reach.
It’s time to unlearn these lies and make changes. It takes courage to grow wiser and become who you really are. And today is the first day of the rest of your life.
3. “They can do it, but that doesn’t apply to me.”
Just because someone else can, doesn’t mean you can, right? Because you’re not good enough, or you’ve missed your chance, etc. You look for reasons they can do it but you can’t—maybe he’s an internet entrepreneur or freelance writer because he has no kids. Maybe she’s way fitter than I am, so she can run a marathon. Maybe she doesn’t have all the work and family obligations I have, or has a supportive spouse, or doesn’t have bad knees.
OK, fine, it’s easy to find excuses: but look at all the other people who also have considerable obstacles and have done it anyway. Angel and I have a family, and have dealt with significant loss in our lives, and still managed to succeed on many fronts. And just as we’ve turned things around for ourselves, we know hundreds of other people who’ve done the same. Through a decade of life coaching, we’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages—48-year olds starting families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth. And stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve great things.
Your obstacles can be overcome!
Feeling stuck is a FEELING, not a fact. So never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are. Life changes, and so can you. It’s never too late to live a life that makes you proud. If you don’t learn anything else from this post, learn that. There’s no age limit on changing your course. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Goals & Success” chapter of our brand NEW edition of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
It’s time to do something GREAT!
Whatever it is you want to improve in your life, start struggling with it for 30 minutes EVERY SINGLE DAY, and keep an eye out for EVERY tiny victory along your journey, no matter how hard you have to scrape, fight, and claw for it. Then, consistently remind yourself of these victories—keep them at the forefront of your mind, and use them as motivation to take the next step, and the next.
And when you catch yourself thinking something like, “I’m not good enough,” remind yourself that depending on what people around you expected of you as a child, or what you have expected of yourself all your life, you have been subtly molded into who YOU are. And a great deal of this molding has been driven directly by external and internal negativity about what is and isn’t possible for you.
But the truth is, what’s possible for you is up to you right NOW!
If you’re still not convinced, I want you to think about ONE self-limiting belief you have. It can be about any part of your life you hope to change—your health, your weight, your career, your relationships—anything at all. What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your place on Earth?
And then I want you to immediately shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that ‘fact’ was true for you. I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory. What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me’ – but I did it!”?
- Ran a 5K for charity
- Lost weight and kept it off
- Was the life of the party
- Spoke up when you had something to say
- Stood up for yourself
- Felt loved
- Approached a guy/girl, and didn’t fall on your face
- Mastered a new skill
- Had a good idea that worked
- etc.
Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it. You can start taking the hard but necessary little steps forward every day that go against it—tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on.
Until your inner dialog and reality change for good.
Now, it’s your turn…
I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section:
What’s one self-limiting belief that has held you back?
Or better yet, what do you need to stop saying to yourself?
Please leave me a comment below.
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Samantha Calderan says
Great post, Marc. Thank you for emailing it to me. So timely!
After reading a few pages in your book earlier today on this same topic, this was exactly what I was meditating on in my journal just now before opening this post. In the past I have struggled desperately with not believing in myself enough. The key I have found is to embrace the fact that you do not need the approval of others to lead the life you want. My biggest mistake was in believing my life should be run like a democracy- where everyone has a say and a voice, where I have to campaign for what matters for me, where I have been outvoted. Well… that is a thing of the past, never again.
PS. I’m also still enjoying the video recording from Think Better Live Better 2019, and looking forward to attending in San Diego next year. 🙂
Alexander King says
Your view!
Yeah! I too, used even to ask people how I looked like through a certain situation as if I were an Actor on stage. Their answer aften put me down or just threw me into a “fake-proud basket” until I learnt to be myself especially in those difficult times. I think they waited for my help-cry and missed. I have seen more strength in me than in their talks.
Olga says
Most people, myself included, believe(d) “life owes me something,” because of the environment we were raised in as a child. Shaking off the ’stink’ of a crappy childhood isn’t cut and dry or easy. It can takes months or even years of self-reflection and counseling. You must be willing to forgive your parents, grandparents, etc. and have the courage to choose a different path. This may include severing ties with those you call “family.”
Also, there’s no guarantee that because you take action (inspired, or not) you’ll receive (fill in the blank). If you’re chasing a dream that isn’t meant for you, you can waste a lot of time and energy. You have to know when to cut your losses and find something else to do.
Being “stuck in your current life situation” is tricky because if you want to move to another city, state, or country, it takes money. If you don’t have the funds to move then you will be “stuck” in your current life situation. However, you could take steps towards moving by finding a day job which will provide you with a means to an end: money so you can move.
I think it’s important to examine any false belief you have because it may not be yours. You could have picked it up from your parents, grandparents, teachers, friends, siblings, etc. If you discover that a false belief is not yours, drop it like a hot potato and choose another belief that works for you. This is a strategy Marc and Angel guided me through on a coaching call via their course awhile back and I’m proud of my progress. Cheers!
Loveme says
Marc and angel taught us to stay positive and to never give up on our dreams right? Sometimes things dont workout because youre just not ready period. Take it as a challenge maybe you just need to do some adjustments. Try a different method but never give up on your dreams.. if u find yourself wanting to give up that easy then you’re not being true to yourself. Those 30 steps M&A taught you need to re visit. I myself am getting there
No one says
Thank you for your wise words. You’ve spoken directly into my situation. At 60 I feel stuck for the rest of my life with a narcissistic husband whose unloving unkind detached way of relating to me crushes my spirit every single day. I have created my parents in bim but I have no idea how to free myself and I’ve given up hope. Reading your post maybe I’ll try looking at a self limiting thought and work on that.
Stephen Quan says
Another post from you emailed to me right on time. Thanks fro the inspiring today, M&A.
My first thought: that young lady in the opening story is smart beyond her years. Good luck to her!
Too many of us have similar stories including myself. It is so hard sometimes to get pass the hurt and pain that were inflicted on you as a child by unsuspecting parents. The pain is sometimes so hard to bear that we resort to self destruction and in the process pass it on to the poor children who are the ones to suffer the most.
When I read people’s stories it makes me more appreciative of my life and childhood. My life is far from perfect but these stories make me truly see how much I have to be grateful for.
Also, I’m about 50 pages into your book, reading your story, M&A. I;m truly moved. Looking forward to the rest.
Lynne Stalbaum says
This article is one of your best !! Thank you for teaching me so much about life I can relate to.
Becca says
Your post came a time I needed to read it.
Several years ago, I made a decision that affected my nearest and dearest (my son). I moved to another state and he stayed behind with his father. His father and I have since divorced and after fifteen years, I’m about to move again. He’s about to get married and has asked that I move closer. With the move, I will be. My son is of the opinion that I am making a mistake. I don’t drive, why am I about to share expenses with a family member..blah, blah. Long and short, he doesn’t understand that I need to do this and want to do it. It is NOT his decision, it is MINE. I am doing what is best for me. I have to live MY life and not live up to his expectations.
Susan Troise says
Thank you for using your tragedy and dark time to encourage others. I had bilateral knee replacement and then a tragic accident.
I believed I would always be heavy, not walk right and be limited. I pulled myself up by surrounding myself with positivity, reading articles like yours and talk therapy. I am happy to say – that I’ve lost weight, joined a gym, have multiple job offers and possibilities and feel better physically and emotionally than I have in years. When a positive comeback and goodness can be passed forward – do it. I try to do that too.
Vineet says
Have had to negotiate self doubt and supercilious relatives before making a career change. At that time, I was scared shit. Did not know how things would pan out, just jumped in and let few things take their own course.
Today I can say with humble confidence that things have not always been smooth but definitely worth it. Always had what naysayers used to say somewhere in my subconscious mind but did not let that get to me.
This post reminds all of us how much we deserve and we can get there. No matter how hard things get.
Aggie says
Marc and Angel, this article is great, but sometimes people are so broken that they cannot think that “prove to myself that they were wrong about me.” Your article is great if you don’t have learnt helplessness, many people do…
GP says
I always appreciate your your posts. What a smart determined lady to have been empowered enough to work with you!
It’s true, some of us grow up in dysfunctional narcissistic families where our power was taken away from us. It takes continual work, continual striving to stay out of collapse and become self empowered.
Thank you, again for the support and encouragement.
L McConnell says
I am 60 and have been fighting my own disbelief in myself all my life. I inherited depression and anxiety from my father genetically. I inherited a negative self talk from him by nurture. I have forgiven him because he suffered enough with all 3 in his own life. Worrying also. He has been gone more than 20 years, but I am able to love him more every year.
I do pretty well, now.
Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself because I still struggle. It’s only when I look back to see how far I’ve come that I remember all that I’ve overcome and how strong I truly am.
THEN I have the strength to look forward and start talking, one step at a time.
julia a kasdorf says
My current rail against fate is “How come I’m not getting as many gigs as other people in my trade? There’s obviously something wrong with me that I just can’t put my finger on. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get any traction!”
But this is from a very limited perspective. When I delve more deeply, others are working just as hard as me and also feeling underemployed. From the outside, I look like a successful live musician to others who don’t have the guts or commitment to do what I do. I just need to shift my perspective some, get out of this deep hole full of mirrors.!
Jacqueline says
I thought only last week i need to stop looking at things so critically and see the good, and the changes needed, don,t need to be on a grand scale, simply my life and get back to enjoying it more, to drop google (the whole world) and concentrate on things nearer to home and drop things that are no concern to me and has they say “keep my own council” i am sure i will feel far happier and alot lighter in spirit,mind & body.
love Jacqueline xxx
+-Life. says
Thanks for this article!
I can definitely relate to the points mentioned here.
Another one for me would be saying to myself, “I can do this later or tomorrow, what’s the rush?”
And I find that a good mental counter to that is to say, “I should do this now so I can rest later”, which surprisingly seems to work well so far.
It’s all a mental game!
christine says
Excellent post as always. You are such an inspiration! Thank you.
samson says
Thanks so much for the post you have sent, its indeed an excellent articles and an inspiration. Some of us grew up with many obstacles in many situations and rule over our power, broken
Now i can definitely relate to the point prove myself that they were wrong about me.
Once again thanks for your support and encouragement.
i really like to read your articles and the future too
Pereowei says
I could still remeber life was mush fun when i was a kid With noting to worry about..Now Im 29..mostimes i feel like im trapped in this place i am.With little opportunity to make it out..everyday is same shit..buh One thing that has kept me goin is the fact that with God there is still hope and you guys have always been inspirational..you good couching and guidance is really really needful..Thanks mush?
Joanie Weis says
Marc & Angel, as usual, your topics always come when I need them most. I have always been the scared of doing something wrong, silent, hide in the shadows type of person because I can’t control anything. At work, I can control things a little better so I’m a little more outgoing but still scared and had no gumption. Since my husband died, I have become a working vagabond. I live for my vacations of driving (by myself) across the United States. By the way, I started driving alone 6 years ago – at 65. Whenever I start to question my strength and think I can’t do something, I think of my 10+ trips from Minnesota to the West Coast, South Coast and East Coast (haven’t made it to the New England area yet but that is on my list). Thanks for all your articles, books, course and of course, your conference in San Diego. I truly believe that I still have a long way to go but you are the reason I am as far as I am. Hopefully, I can retire by 76 so I can travel even more.
Thanks.
Cassie Jo says
Hmm..I’m always finding ways to blame myself..even when I express my thoughts and opinion after the fact I feel guilty like I shouldn’t think that way or feel that way ..it’s def a work in progress
Maxim Dsouza says
“Those haters are right about me”. This is so true. Fear of embarrassment of society has been the biggest killer of dreams. It is a known fact that the things that we avoid the most are usually the things we most need to do.
LifeCoach says
Hi Marc and Angel. It often happens to have to deal with people who, with superficial opinions and, without valid reasons, negative, try to convince you that you have no talent. This is why it is important to learn to think with your head, to know yourself and recognize your merits without waiting for others to do it, to be a bit selfish in your choices and think first of all about your happiness, to make great dreams and to try to realize them, even at the risk of failure. And, to do it, it’s also important to believe in yourself and think positively. If you make yourself known and do well, there will be those who will recognize your merits, and will be much more truthful than many people who speak without knowing you.