Inner peace begins the moment you take a deep breath and choose not to allow another person or event to control your thoughts.
For the longest time I had tunnel vision and expected life to be a certain way. I studied my failures until I lost sight of my successes. I surrendered my dreams to feel a sense of comfort. I crafted limiting beliefs and shielded myself from love and happiness by refusing to put myself out there. And as I did all of this, I sat back and wondered why life was so miserable.
Obviously, I was very lost.
I began to turn things around about a decade ago when my stubborn habits led me into a chaotic argument with Angel. As we both stared at each other through tears, she said, “Marc, you are the enemy—your enemy. It’s your choices. I can’t sympathize any longer. You can choose differently if you want to, but you have to want to. Please, want to!” And after some extensive soul-searching, lots of reading, a little sabbatical, and continuous support from a loving wife and a few close friends, I learned to choose differently and eventually found myself again.
I tell you this because I know you struggle with similar inner demons—occasionally we all do. Sometimes our thoughts and routine choices are our biggest enemies. Which is why I want to remind you to beware of…
1. Your expectation of constant contentment.
Nothing in life is constant. There is neither absolute happiness nor absolute sadness. There are only the changes in our moods that continuously oscillate between these two extremes.
At any given moment we are comparing how we currently feel to how we felt at another time—comparing one level of our contentment to another. In this way, those of us who have felt great sadness are best able to feel heightened feelings of happiness after we emotionally heal. In other words, happiness and sadness need each other. One reinforces the other. Humans must know misery to identify times of elation.
The key is to focus on the good. May you live each moment of your life consciously, and realize that all the happiness you seek is present if you are prepared to notice it. If you are willing to appreciate that this moment is far better than it could have been, you will enjoy it more for what it truly is. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Happiness and Growth chapters of the NEW edition of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
2. Your obsession with examining personal failures.
Imagine being enrolled in five college classes in which you achieved one A, two B’s and two C’s. Would you concentrate on the A or the C’s? Would you berate yourself for falling short in the C classes? Or would you capitalize on your obvious interest and aptitude in the subject matter of the A class? I hope you realize the value of the latter.
Every morning when you wake up, think of three things that are going well in your life at the moment. As you fall asleep every night, fill your mind with an appreciation for all the small things that went well during the day. Examine your successes.
Give the power of your thinking to the positive influences in your life, and they will grow stronger and more influential every day. Remind yourself often of what works well and why, and you’ll naturally find ways to make lots of other things work well too. The most efficient way to enjoy more success in life is not to obsess yourself with what hasn’t worked in the past, but instead to extend and expand upon the success you already know.
3. Your urge to surrender to the draw of comfort.
The most common and destructive addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. Why pursue growth when you already have 400 television channels and a recliner? Just pass the chip dip and lose yourself in a trance. WRONG! That’s not living—that’s existing. Living is about learning and growing through excitement and discomfort.
Life is filled with questions, many of which don’t have an obvious or immediate answer. It’s your willingness to ask these questions, and your courage to march confidently into the unknown in search of the answers, that gives life it’s meaning.
In the end, you can spend your life feeling sorry for yourself, cowering in the comfort of your routines, wondering why there are so many problems out in the real world, or you can be thankful that you are strong enough to endure them. It just depends on your mindset. The obvious first step, though, is convincing yourself to step out of your comfort zone.
4. Your self-limiting beliefs.
You do not suffer from your beliefs. You suffer from your disbeliefs. If you have no hope inside of you, it’s not because there is no hope, it’s because you don’t believe there is.
Since the mind drives the body, it’s the way you think that eventually makes the dreams you dream possible or impossible. Your reality is simply a reflection of your thoughts and the way you routinely contemplate what you know to be true. All too often you literally do not know any better than good enough. Sometimes you have to try to do what you think you can’t do, so you realize that you actually CAN.
It all starts on the inside. You control your thoughts. The only person who can hold you down is YOU.
5. Your resistance to being vulnerable.
Love is vulnerability. Happiness is vulnerability. The risk of being vulnerable is the price of opening yourself to beauty and opportunity.
Being vulnerable is not about showing the parts of you that are polished; it’s about revealing the unpolished parts you would rather keep hidden from the world. It’s about looking out into the world with an honest, open heart and saying, “This is me. Take me or leave me.”
It’s hard to consciously choose vulnerability. Why? Because the stakes are high. If you reveal your authentic self, there is the possibility that you will be misunderstood, judged, or even rejected. The fear of these things is so powerful that you put on an armored mask to protect yourself. But, of course, this only perpetuates the pain you are trying to avoid.
The truth is nothing worthwhile in this world is a safe bet. Since love and happiness are born out of your willingness to be vulnerable—to be open to something wonderful that could be taken away from you—when you hide from your vulnerability, you automatically hide from everything in life worth attaining. (Read Daring Greatly.)
6. Your expectations of how things are supposed to be.
There’s this fantasy in your head about how you think things are supposed to be. This fantasy blinds you from reality and prevents you from appreciating the genuine goodness that exists in your life.
The solution? Simple: Drop the needless expectations. Appreciate what is. Hope for the best, but expect less.
You have to accept reality instead of fighting it. Don’t let what you expected to happen blind you from all the good things that are happening. When you stop expecting people and things to be perfectly the way you had imagined, you can enjoy them for who and what they truly are.
Your turn…
Today, do your best to leverage the reminders above. The overarching goal is to gradually change your response to what you can’t control. To grow so strong on the inside that nothing on the outside can affect your inner wellness without your conscious permission.
And, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Claire Haines says
M&A,
Your books and course coaching have been life-savers over the past few months. As you know, my biggest challenge is dealing with my expectations of how things are supposed to be. I am open, and giving, and tell people how I feel – and then am hurt when they tell me they feel the same way, that they care, but their actions and words don’t match. In my mind, I create this picture of things working out in a relationship – he says the right words, and I imagine us growing a healthy relationship, and then when he doesn’t make a move towards that, I get deeply hurt.
I need to quiet my mind from these fantasies, and realize that everyone has a different idea of what honesty is. Of what sharing and loving and caring is. Of what it is to be a good friend. I think like so many people… I want things to work out the way I see them in my mind and heart. Unfortunately, others have a different movie running in their heads. I must learn to not plan so far ahead and attach to these thoughts. And to not have unrealistic expectations about how others will respond to what I feel and share.
Melanie says
This is a timely post from a timely email, as yesterday was one of the most challenging days I’ve had in awhile. Without knowing it, I had unconsciously fallen into a “bad” mood; and the worst part, having little idea why! After reading this article, I realize that I was judging, and personalizing, some unpleasant circumstances I’ve been witness to at work, as well as other areas of my life. My perceptions of these events culminated into what felt like a snowball of unhappy and frustrated feelings. I typically navigate through my days with ease and happiness. I realize now that I haven’t been allowing the shadow side, the events I cannot control, to exist without judging them as wrong. Through my resistance, I created my own miserable reality. Today, I will take 100% responsibility for my thoughts!
Fran says
Thank you for this post, in particular. I found your blog and books just after an unexpected, most terrific and super short intense relationship with a man who provided me quite a lot and it was for the most part, great. What neither of us could discuss nor admit to, was our respective expectations that arose due to past failed relationship experiences and past failed familial relationships that were mostly hard to even face, better yet to discuss. It was only after I said some harsh (very harsh) words to my then-partner and faced my own demons that came up in the relationship (which caused the termination of the relationship and any possibility of a friendship), that I realized I have quite a lot of work yet to do in facing inner turmoils that stemmed from early-years in not feeling worthy of all the love that I was receiving.
When things do not work out after I have worked, worked, worked and worked so hard, I go so far as to feel that I am being punished for even being alive. This stems from having been abandoned years ago and dealing with not only adoption but also being adopted into a tumultuous family that did not reinforce my value in their lives. This is triggered in adult current days when I work so hard and face my “stuff” and process my “stuff”, make the constant effort to change and still am faced with doom. The doom is mostly within myself in that I believe erroneous thoughts and make those thoughts so real as to cancel any positive so that I am continuing the familiarity of negatives (as I felt that I deserved early-on).
Your writing and also the responses of people in the comments on the blog are such a gift to make me realize that I am not alone nor am I a failure. You provide me hope with your messages that I can not only continue to be nice to others but begin to be nice to the thoughts in my head, reroute and wire those thoughts and tell them how wrong that they are, so that I can believe (for once) that I am alive with value to myself first and others second, and that I deserve the happiness that I indeed receive on a daily basis. At that time; however, let my expectations not be too high to fail others. I, then, with renewed vision will be kindest to myself and hope to be able to begin a true connection in attachment.
Sheila says
Fran, I love your comments and your vulnerability. Thank you for sharing. I feel so many of us don’t think we “deserve” in life… whether that be in love, health wealth, happiness… we all do. The hard part is teaching ourselves and loving ourselves enough to learn that we all deserve it.
Beth L. says
I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to romantic relationships. I put up kind of a wall I guess and turn into this person that I don’t even know. And then I wonder why things didn’t end well. Then I try to back peddle and say to the guy, no, you don’t understand. that is not how I usually am! I just dated a guy that I have known for 20 years. And he told me out right that I was not the woman he thought I was. But I am, I know I am. And we thought we were each others “the one” at first. Now I blew it. Because I am my own worst enemy. I would like this to stop happening. I think I’m afraid of not being liked for who I really am, when really the pseudo person I become is so much worse. Your course calls have been helping me though. I’m seeing my patterns at least, and that is a step forward.
Lei says
Thank you for this beautiful, honest and straight up real post. I have been on a journey of self discovery for a couple months since my ex broke off our engagement. I was a codependent, a martyr, depressed and unhealthy spiritually, physically, and mentally. My ex told me “Lei, I challenge you to get your s*&% together”, so I dug deep and started immersing myself in healing, reading self help books (Like 1,000 Little Things), talking with healers and role models (like you, Marc and Angel) and chose to live in the light because I’ve lived in the darkness far too long. I’ve reclaimed my faith in Jah and the universe and I swear I feel the Angels flying next to me as I go for my morning or sunset runs and at night I visually and emotionally *hug* Jesus.
I have no one to be responsible for but myself. Believing in myself again, weeding out the toxic thoughts, people, places, and things that were keeping me down, accepting that I am a woman, a human, an emotional being,having faith, living always with gratitude and intention, and realizing that what makes me happiest is to be in the moment and to love as if I’ve never been hurt has changed who I am drastically. Actually i believe its who I’ve been all along I just needed to remove myself to a higher frequency to see past the fog. I am loving the journey and my destination will be the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you Marc and Angel for sharing your love, experiences, and wisdom. It’s energy like yours that penetrates around the world and gives the rest of us that lift to pay it forward as well. If everybody jumped on the bandwagon, everyone could live in bliss. Much love, light and Aloha.
DeborH Johnson says
Thank you for the thoughtful blog- I often choose comfort over work in the studio to avoid putting myself out there-you help me be more mindful -Thank you!
Ana says
Well, I am going through a really tough time in my life.. it’s that I am not getting a better opportunity neither a person to love me.. I read this piece of advice above from M&A and that made me introspect myself like where am falling wrong. So thanks a lot for this it gave me a kind of wisdom to move forward.
Olaf B. says
M&A,
thank you for this valuable reminder. Basically it is all about living in the present moment as Eckhart Tolle puts it. It is to live in the Now and quiet the mind from overthinking.
Marcie Johnson says
Your words are always a balm to soothe my soul. Thank you for sharing your insights and helping us to all become our best selves.
-Marcie
JoeD says
Very motivating, good job . You write well and it seems from the heart. Sometimes we all just need a little reality check to get us thinking differently. Thank you
Renee Robinson says
You hit me on the head with being vulnerable….opening up myself to others. Life is pushing me in that direction but I’m afraid of opening up to the wring persons….not trying to go down that rode. Thanks once again. I was just thinking about myself and change. It has been a long road….I’m just trying to live better and be better. It all starts with me. Some things are still uncomfortable….like expressing my deepest wounds to strangers….my trust level is real low. Not sure if they really have my good in mind. You’re the best.
James says
A very educative Article. May Almighty continue to bless you abundantly. Indeed you’re a blessing to me. Thanks
Jared Fortunato says
Great read, just what I needed to start my day. The piece about vulnerability resonates- practicing that daily as I step out to create the life I want for myself. Nice to know it’s worth it.
Thank you for all the wisdom you both share.
J
Michelle says
Incredibly Awesome post! Thank you
Emanuela says
I just ordered one of your books today, YAY! You guys are really changing lives !!!! More grace to you both??
Jamie Felix says
Thanks you for the reminders. Love everything you helped me out with, that I struggle with myself and the world. Hearing these and putting them to great use in my life. Gives me a better mindset and feel alot better everyday.
Christopher says
I’m way back. I am still letting go of a lot of baggage. I realized it is not easy but doing it one day at a time.
Mohammed Magdi says
thank you for sharing this, it came at the right time, like literally at the right MOMENT!..much love & appreciation <3
song says
I always expect too much, but do not enough.Everytime things didn’ t go as i think,i will so upset,even cry about my self-defined failure.Consequently,i always have missed the chance to appreciate all the things given by life.
Vicki says
I’m 15 mos. post divorce and this has been the worst pain I’ve ever been through. I would think by now I’d be pretty much over him but we were married for 35 years and I guess it’s going to take longer than I thought. I just try to get through each day without crying and trying to figure out how to start over at 63 years old.
Paula says
I am guilty of 2 & 6. I am going to practice to be sure every morning when you wake up, think of three things that are going well in my life at the moment. As when I fall asleep every night, fill your mind with an appreciation for all the small things that went well during the day. I think that will help me so much.
Mary Dillon says
I like things worded simply so I don’t need to go back -and reread the sentence again. Some of us oldies without a lot of education like it said simply and don’t mind if it isn’t written as a professor would have it. The points were good–also making me think about Joyce Meyers book on Battlefield of the mind—all so true. It is a wonderful book also. Its all what you make of it in your own mind. Its kind of like when you finally realize that the only persons feelings you can control is your own—not someone else’s I always enjoy reading Marc and Angel’s messages. Thank you
Lilian says
Thanks so much for this post, it just popped in my email when I just needed someone to talk to. These words were just what I needed to hear. Thanks once more for healing me and strengthening my soul. I am better than before
Joanne says
Thank you for all of your very inspiring words. Today’s blog was was yet another reminder that my happiness is “ up to me” and it truly is about changing my perspective. Being appreciative and grateful for where I am, who I am and letting go of unrealistic expectations! I just had this conversation last night with a dear friend and then awoke to read your blog. I have read several of your books and they have been so enlightening for me on my journey and for that I am very grateful. Thank you for helping me to recognize the changes that I alone need to make. It feels very good and what you have said is true. When we change our self talk, our life changes. Thank you.
Mary Weddle says
I have been on a roller coaster ride for too long. There are several things that have been happening very close together, and simultaneously, that getting a grip on what to do when has been virtually impossible for me to navigate. All that has happened is in my mind,but to try to even synopsize it causes a nervousness within me. My husband of 20 years decided to go to work one day and check out positions open in another State. He had not told me anything about doing so until after he applied for a job and had spoken with his DM and the DM for the area he was applying. He says he was doing this for “us”. He has lived in this house for these years with a mortgage less than most people’s food budget. The house is titled in my name. EVERY time I was ready to go put his name on the title he would pull one of his acts out of his hat that sent up red flags. I believe in one way he didn’t want his name on the title as it gave him no sense of responsibility to maintain it. I have been the doer, the planner, and he has or did walk in, change clothes, and within ten minutes the TV was on. SO, back to the recent, with much discord he did all that was necessary and got this new job. One day when he was walking out of the house to go to work he told me that I would not stand in the way of his dreams. At that point, I surrendered to what was happening but kept vigilant about how he was moving along with his plans. He found a very upscale apt., he bought a new bed and mattress set, some kitchen items, a new TV etc. I told him what he could take from the house that was much more and nicer than what he came with. I remained in dismay over the entire thing and went from depression to anger each day. Let me add here that he will soon be 68 years young. I was left with every possible task/job that needed to be done for years, that he had promised to do vehemently for the past two years!! He calls each day and it is nothing other than a book report on my part. I tell him I don’t do reports, but he has nothing else to say. When I bring up my anger and use the word abandonment he says so kindly and softly, ” Mary, Mary, don’t get yourself all upset now. I am doing this for us and you’ll see that with positive thinking and visualizing that ‘our ‘ dreams will come true. Things will get done and if you turn the house into an FRBO then we can take that money to pay for a mortgage here.”. This house has no mortgage and hasn’t for ten years. I have more days where I am stuck than not. I try so hard each day to remain up and positive that it is tiring. I plan to do all that needs to be done, but inside my soul of souls, I do not trust him and find this his last act that will be the one to be the deal breaker. Though I know this, it still hurts as we don’t enter marriage with this in mind. Your article is excellent and was a major reminder that it is only I who can, for now, pick myself up and brush off the dirt to make a plan that for now is foggy because of all that must be done. Any advice, questions, suggestions/recommendations are welcomed. Blessings
Huong says
Dear Marc & Angel:
Thank you so Much!
I’m very overwhelmed and worried
About life and health. Sometimes,
It’s so hard for me to be happy with who I am.
I really appreciate for guidance and encouragements! I love all the articles, I have learned a good message for helping my inner peace ????
Hayley says
Thank you for all your articles and suggestions for living a purpose-driven life. There are so many concepts that I need to work on, and I often find myself resistant to changing [for the better]. There are many subconscious blocks, and I am angry about trauma during childhood that most likely created the issues. It is so ridiculous how I was “taught” during childhood to concentrate on the negative! The exact opposite of your advice. There are so many ingrained behaviors that it often feels impossible to overcome them. I sincerely hope that I can improve. I would like to actually be in a healthy marital relationship one day, as opposed to avoiding all dating as I currently do.
Janie says
M & A, pure excellence at its best. Thank you both for this one and all the other posts too! I continuously read your posts, which always seems to make my day, thanks once again!
Sybot says
A poem about bravery goes like this:
Falcon, don’t be scared of High-wind.
These are blown to make you fly higher.
The higher the wind, the higher the fly.
The challenges in life are High-Winds that are blown to make us go higher in life.
Sometimes, life hits you hard with a brick on your face.
The purpose behind this beating is to make you stronger.
See in the eyes of Life and always be positive.
There is positive in everything, even the stopped clock is right twice a day.
“Life is like a piano; the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create music.”