What you focus on grows.
Stop managing your time.
Start managing your focus.
“Am I making meaningful use of this scarce and precious day?”
That’s a simple question Angel and I challenge our course students to ask themselves anytime they feel busyness overwhelming them.
Because excessive busyness is rarely meaningful.
And make no mistake about it—excessive busyness is a widespread, modern-day illness!
We fill our calendars and our social media feeds with various kinds of busyness, oftentimes just to avoid being bored… to avoid being exactly who we are, exactly where we are. The instant we feel a bit idle, we run off in the direction of the nearest shiny object that catches our attention. And in the process, we not only miss out on the serenity and beauty that exists within ourselves, but we also miss out on experiencing that same serenity and beauty in the environment around us. Our busyness has blinded us with “hurry” and “worry,” and the endless need to be somewhere else, doing something else, as fast as feasibly possible.
Angel and I are not immune to this either. Just like every other human being, sometimes we let busyness get the best of us—we let distractions get in the way of what matters most. And that’s the real tragedy of it: we confuse being busy with being effective. We feel a day late and a buck short across the board, because our priorities are completely misaligned with our daily efforts.
A Widespread Misalignment of Priorities
Truth be told, most of us suffer from a severe misalignment of our priorities.
In a recent survey we conducted with 700 of our course students, we asked them questions to determine how much joy they derived from their most common daily activities. As you might expect, the joy rating for work-related obligations typically fell below voluntary personal activities. But what surprised us is this:
Most of the students surveyed said many of their voluntary personal activities did NOT give them joy. For example, several of them said they derived more pleasure from time dedicated to family, practicing spirituality, or working on a passion project, than from time spent watching TV and browsing social media. And yet these same exact students admitted to spending more time watching TV and browsing social media than engaging in the activities they say give them more joy.
If anything, our student survey shined light on a rather widespread misalignment between what we do and what we deem meaningful and enjoyable. And sadly, this misalignment ultimately leads us into bouts of busyness peppered with regret.
I’m reminded of a past student of ours who was obsessed with playing online video games. These games were draining lots of his time, and he felt so agonized with regret over the time he was wasting that he enrolled in our Getting Back to Happy Course and immediately jumped on a coaching call with us in a panic. Over the next several weeks, we eased his anxiety and held him accountable to a sensible schedule that limited his video game time. And gradually, he was able to let go of his regrets and create lots of new and meaningful experiences for himself.
While we may not all share an obsession with online video games, many of us share the feelings of regret associated with wasting our time away. Angel and I speak with students every single day who do. And I’ll bet many of the people who read this article have recently felt something similar, because, perhaps, they spent an hour (or four) browsing social media or watching TV with zero return on their investment.
Some might say our tendency to perpetually waste time reveals our true priorities – that we’d rather engage in mindless entertainment over just about anything else. But that’s not true. What’s really happening is an error in our decision-making process. Our modern-day, busy lives tend to be routines of constant distraction. We think about the past and future far more than the present… we think about other people’s social lives instead of our own… we are physically in one place and mentally in another. Without conscious presence, we mindlessly occupy the present moment with low-value activities that lack meaning and joy.
And that’s why we all need to remember these…
Reminders to Focus on What Matters Most
The solution to our time-wasting tendencies is a long-term practice. It is to ritualistically raise our awareness of how we presently manage – and waste – our time. And that’s exactly what the seven mantras below (which are excerpts from our books and blog archive) are designed to do – they will compel you to steal your time back from those recurring time-wasting tendencies you’ve grown accustomed to.
Anytime you catch yourself wasting time for the sake of wasting it, remember…
- The quality of your life in the long run directly depends upon how you set and respect your priorities today.
- At times, you have to say “no” to good things to be able to say “yes” to important things. You can’t do it all. Be mindful and choose wisely.
- “I don’t have time,” is really just another, perhaps politer, or perhaps naive, way of saying, “It is not that important to me.”
- Don’t waste your time and energy fighting against where you are. Invest your time and energy into getting to where you want to go. And even if you have a good reason to be upset and resentful, let it go. Channel your energy into thoughts and actions that actually benefit your life right now. (Angel and I show how in the “Happiness” chapter of the NEW volume of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Be present with what matters most. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a good story, a good laugh, a good hug, or a good friend.
- Overcommitting is the biggest mistake most people make against living a happier, simpler life. It’s tempting to fill in every waking minute of the day with to-do list tasks or distractions. Don’t do this to yourself. Leave space.
- You should sit quietly for fifteen minutes today to gather your thoughts and review your priorities, unless you’re too busy, in which case you should sit for an hour. Remember this. The world is as you are inside. (Angel and I build tiny, life-changing rituals like this with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of the Getting Back to Happy Course.)
As for me, I’m off to walk the talk, literally. I’m five minutes shy taking a long neighborhood stroll with Angel and our son Mac, because, despite my busyness, quality time with them is what maters most.
I hope you’ll join me in your own way.
Now, it’s your turn…
Before you go, I’d love for you to reflect on the distractions in your life…
What’s one frequent distraction that wastes your time and gets between you and your priorities?
Please leave a comment below with your answer, so the rest of us can see that we’re not alone in this struggle, and so we can work together to eliminate these distractions and the unnecessary stress they create in our lives.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Nanette says
“Don’t waste your time and energy fighting against where you are. Invest your time and energy into getting to where you want to go. And even if you have a good reason to be upset and resentful, let it go. Channel your energy into thoughts and actions that actually benefit your life right now.”
I am struggling with letting go of a decades long toxic relationship and the pain I endured. I really thought that I was forgiving the other person throughout those years, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, but now that the active suffering is over, and things are calming down, so to speak, I’m becoming aware of how angry I’ve been and still am. It’s like a subliminal message running underneath everything else I think about or pay attention to. Given any little opportunity to rise to the surface, it crowds out the calm, loving, reasonable, and productive, thinking and activities that give me peace and satisfaction. It’s exhausting, physically and mentally. Not only does it take up time and energy in expressing/experiencing it, but there is an associated recovery period that adds more time, a period that is needed to “get me back to happy.” I’m glad I have lots of tools to help me recover, and that I’m not stuck in it all the time. I know that I might not ever be entirely free from relapses, but I’d rather not spend a second more of my physical, mental and emotional resources than is absolutely necessary to deal with this.
That’s the long version of, “I really need to put point #4 on my bathroom mirror, Post It notes all over the house, and wherever else I might see it during the day.”
Reading #4 prompted me to ask myself what I imagine I would be doing if this painful, debilitating relationship hadn’t dominated my adult life. The first thing that came to mind is that I wouldn’t be spending time and energy focused on something painful. I would be using my gifts and talents to fill my moments and life with love and generosity, and doing the work that feeds my soul. I would be growing and flourishing and laughing, rather than struggling to stay alive and crying all the time.
The resolution I’m making is to act as if this relationship didn’t happen, and I’m not consumed by anger, frustration, and regret. Instead, I will do the things that happy, loving people do. I won’t be denying that the bad things happened and that they really did hurt me. Instead, I’m going to remind myself that I was sick and crippled, but now I’m recovering and healing, and I can do things I couldn’t do before. It would be like being paralyzed and being healed of your paralysis, able to walk again, but refusing to get out of your wheel chair because you used to be paralyzed. Dumb.
And, I’m going to read those Post It Notes as many times a day as I need to, so that I don’t waste a second on the wrong things.
Thank you, Marc and Angel, for freely giving your time, talent, energy, and experience to help the rest of us Hack Life. You’re the best! Both your books and your course have been instrumental in my growth over the past several months. I am grateful
Heather says
Beautiful and inspiring words, Nanette. Thank you for sharing.
Carolyn says
This could’ve been written by me. I’ve recently disconnected from a toxic sibling and I hate that I still bring her with me & into my life by revisiting past conversations & feeling anger & resentment. I feel stronger everyday and try to focus on my new freedom and being grateful for my blessings but I do regress at times. Thank you for stating it so eloquently.
RonS says
Hi Nanette,
I recently came across this comment and I thought you might appreciate it:
“ Resentment, is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
I found it very insightful. Perhaps you will too. I hope you have a great rest of your life!
Rachel Gonzalez says
Such great insight in this article! It arrived in my email inbox at the perfect time. Just this morning I was stressing out over the busyness I have created by losing track of my priorities and instead filling my time with distraction after distraction.
Truly, I need reminders like these mantras to stop myself from getting overwhelmed with life’s distractions, and with all the possible busyness these distractions create. I’ve learned it’s all about keeping things simple and in perspective, and taking small intentional steps every day. But sometimes I forget.
And we must also keep in mind that we can’t do it all! Because even when we’re not overly distracted, we can become overwhelmed by trying to do too much at once. I’ve been there many times too.
Marc and Angel, for the insight you’ve provided me through your blog emails, course and coaching, book, and Think Better seminars, I am truly grateful. Thank you.
And to answer your question, specifically, I let other people’s random requests distract me from my priorities. Sometimes they come in the form or emails, phone calls, or face to face requests, and as a people-pleaser, I catch myself saying “yes” way too often. But I’m working on this, and I’ve gotten better.
Hilly Holcomb says
Yes: today’s article is so very true.
I see friends & Family Busy Busy during retirement & think
Why not enjoy your last year’s with yourself.
Reading & enjoying life.
Christy says
Yes,how true.I’m learning to enjoy time for me after years of taking care of six children.I’m still there for them but physically I don’t have to fetch them to school,to their activities etc. I refuse to be “busy” .I even eat slower nowadays and just enjoy being alive without rushing here and there…. And my heart feels such gratitude towards God as well as towards people around me .
Victoria says
Too much Netflix on my iPad for this girl! Honestly, I find myself rushing around my house sometimes — to get to work, dinner dates, etc. — simply because I’ve nerded-out in front of my iPad catching up on recorded shows. It’s not the end of the world, but I see room for improvement. I’d like to replace a little of the mindless screen-time with book reading time. So, I just bought your book and I’m looking forward to taking some of your insights offline and away from a screen on a few mornings and evenings over the next couple weeks.
Suzin says
Perfect timing! I flipped out yesterday from being so overwhelmed with everyday life responsibilities as a mother that I just retreated to my bed and shut out the world. I find that most things on my daily to do list keep moving to the ” tomorrow” list. I’m so overwhelmed that nothing seems to get done and then guilt and regret and blame sets in. While running off the list and the distractions that get in the way of completing it to me husband, I realized that most of my distractions came from checking my IPhone constantly. I don’t feel as though I’m overextended, so why can’t I ever catch up? Even right now while I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt for not being present elsewhere- but this is important to share. I realized that checking my phone for emails, texts, Google, etc. is robbing me of precious time to accomplish the important priorities and its setting me off in too many directions at once. It’s another reason I find myself thriving on chaos – which is not a virtue! So my advice to myself and everyone else is to start with baby steps and just reduce the amount of time that you check your phone and see how much better you feel when you find the courage to jump off that merry-go-round. Godspeed!
Alle says
Thank you!
This came at a perfect time for me, as well.
During the week, I spend my time helping my elderly parents. My dad is suffering from Alzheimer’s. I have found that during the time at my parents house, I am able to live more of a life without the distractions.
On the weekend, it’s a different story, however. I usually spend the weekend with my boyfriend. I have been wondering for a while now if I need to let him go. He spends all of his time in front of the t.v. or playing an online game. I do not have a problem letting him do what he wants. My problem is that for me, he’s become a distraction. When I am at his house the noise of the television going non stop is a distraction. I know that I am important. Yet, when I am around him I have found myself needing to ground myself more and work on more self affirmations.
Sometimes it can be other people who we let in our lives that can be the distraction.
Thank you for this today. It was an affirmation that was much needed!
Felicia says
This was perfect timing. Yesterday I felt overwhelmed and felt like I am wasting so much time with social media, emails, listening to podcasts that do not serve me in my life right now. I keep losing my focus in my life because I get distracted by these things that keep having me wanting to search for more. I need to get away from social media and my phone and focus on being more in the present moment.
Carrie says
Deleting all social media apps and only checking social media accounts for less than 5 min a month has been the biggest gift I’ve given myself in my search for calmness. I am a major over-achiever and social media exaggerated that in my mind. I have gone back to my many much healthier activities again such as yoga, BOOK reading, cooking, etc. I highly recommend trying a social media detox for anyone who checks it daily. It is so empowering to be free of it!
Avery Horton says
If you do #5, the rest will fall into place.
Kelly says
Just asked myself these questions yesterday and started building my next chapter instead of sitting in the current stagnation.
Mindfulness for my self care first and what matters to me first.
Thanks for the great tips!
Vicki DeVoe says
I’ve been reading and saving your Hack Life writings for several months now & wanted to simply let you know what a gift it is to read your articles. They reinforce the innate wisdom we all have, but is not always practiced, and serve as a wonderful reminder and guide.
Both of you are blessed with a superb ability to put your insights into words that bear truth and encouragement.
Thank you Marc & Angel. May you continue to inspire growth and guidance for your audience.
Blessings
Columbo Chum says
Life is way too complicated. There’s too many moving parts. Too many hurt feelings and way too little time to understand any of it.
So, maybe, a life in perpetual frenzy is the answer?
Maybe not. While the common perception is ‘life is short’, the reality is life is long enough to know it IS complicated. Better to slow down.
Life has a whole bunch of moving parts. Take the time to be present with them. Slowing down, letting the facets make the picture whole is the trick to making life less painful and feelings more compassionate than condemning.
I thought if I read that book, wrote that down and said that affirmation everything would be fine. What I didn’t know was, life is as much a process as an event.
Now, when racing thoughts come, a say to myself, ‘I’d rather have peace.’ Sometimes I repeat it gently. Thoughts can keep busy annoyances disturbing peace sometimes, but I know now I’m training them to serve me like a mirror not a monster under the bed.
If I’m not in charge of what my mind foments I’m a lousy cat herder.
Being ‘King of the Cats’, I treat thoughts with compassion and in being friendly to their manic activity, accepting it is the start of a process that gives more awareness and ultimately more control and understanding of how I get here and why that busy mind needs a shepherd not a prison guard. I’d rather have peace.
Gina says
100% agree!! For me it’s time glued to my device. I decided on 10/14 to quit social media for at least 40 days, with the exception of posting a Halloween costume on Thurs that is a tribute to someone who is like family to me… other than that, I’m off of there until I can develop a healthier relationship with my usage of it.
My life has changed a lot in the past several months. My best friend moved away, my job’s information system was the victim of a computer hacker that knocked us out for weeks and cost me a ton of money, not to mention 12-hour workdays as I grinded hard to restore things. I’ve had family drama and friend drama, aaaand I met a great guy after being single and working on myself for years and years. Some good, some bad, but undeniably lots of changes. I was sick for almost a month due to my inability to let myself slow down and adjust with grace and self-compassion to all the turns my life had taken. I was stressed 24/7 and felt like I was constantly scrambling in quicksand.
Fasting from social media has been a game changer. I live alone and my family is mostly overseas with a language barrier between myself and them. I therefore thought I’d feel lonely without the internet, but instead I feel more whole than I’d felt in a long time. I’ve been reading, sleeping more, and taking time for myself, treating myself with respect and tenderness and care as I decompress from adversity and open up and settle in to blessings.
This spoke to me so much. Thank you!
Carol says
Yes
Eric says
I’ve been doing my best to take more moments to just sit and meditate. Be present in the moment of whatever I’m feeling, and just relax. Thanks for the reminder.
Nick Takavadii says
“Don’t waste your time and energy fighting against where you are. Invest your time and energy into getting to where you want to go”
Very powerful message that I will remember to share with the men I visit in prison.
Thank you Nanette
SAJID says
Nobody is sure about the next second of the life. So…..
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.
Live with your Present and enjoy every bit of it.
Dorine says
4, 5, and 7 are definites to keep in mind for me. Your posts are always so timely!
Thank you Mark and Angel for your words of inspiration.
Emmy M says
thanks for taking time to write this article. In this day in age it seems hard to stay focused on what is in front of you due to social media and everything being done online. Makes it seem like its a whole world. I am def going to use social media less and be mentally and physically where I am at the time
Carol says
Great read as usual. I have been going back and forth in my. Mind with a decision , knowing it was a trade off, after reading this article I I was able to rephrase my decision to what is good and what is a priority. Thk you.
ggg says
Focus on the now.
Wer ruft an says
I love it! A great article! I think everyone should read it. Also comments are worth reading! Thank you and keep going!
Jessica says
Great article. Very helpful and timely. I love tip #5! Thank you.
Richard says
Thanks for the great message and I think I am distracted mostly by social media
Jacob says
I should start managing my focus. Thank you for this!
I need to start focusing the 20% that affects the other 80%.
Thank you for the reminder.