Sometimes you have to die a little on the inside first in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger, smarter version of yourself.
Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be. But it is these losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities for growth and happiness.
Over the past five years Angel and I have dealt with several hardships, including the sudden death of a sibling, the loss of a best friend to illness, betrayal from a business partner, and an unexpected (breadwinning) employment layoff. These experiences were brutal. Each of them, naturally, knocked us down and off course for a period of time. But when our time of mourning was over in each individual circumstance, we pressed forward, stronger, and with a greater understanding and respect for life.
Here are some lessons we’ve learned along the way:
- You are not what happened to you in the past. – No matter how chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate. You are not your past habits. You are not your past failures. You are not how others have at one time treated you. You are only who you think you are right now in this moment. You are only what you do right now in this moment.
- Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t. – You are who you are and you have what you have, right now. And it can’t be that bad, because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read this. The important thing is simply to find one POSITIVE thought that inspires and helps you move forward. Hold on to it strongly, and focus on it. You may feel like you don’t have much, or anything at all, but you have your mind to inspire you. And that’s really all you need to start moving forward again. Read The How of Happiness.
- Struggling with problems is a natural part of growing. – Part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life. People lose jobs, get sick, and sometimes die in car accidents. When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize. The smartest, and oftentimes hardest, thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions. To want to scream obscenities, but to wiser and more disciplined than that. To remember that emotional rage only makes matters worse. And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.
- It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. – You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. And a smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy. Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.
- Life is fragile, sudden, and shorter than it often seems. – There may not be a tomorrow – not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it. Every moment you get is a gift. Don’t waste time by dwelling on unhappy things. Spend it on things that move you in the direction you want to go.
- You will fail sometimes. – The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. So get out there and try! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson. Win – Win.
- You have the capacity to create your own happiness. – Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling. You can hold onto past mistakes or you can create your own happiness. A smile is a choice, not a miracle. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy. True happiness comes from within.
- Emotionally separate yourself from your problems. – You are far greater than your problems. You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together. And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them.
- Don’t make a problem bigger than it is. – You should never let one dark cloud cover the entire sky. The sun is always shining on some part of your life. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.
- Everything that happens is a life lesson. – Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting. And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.
- View every challenge as an educational assignment. – Ask yourself: “What is this situation meant to teach me?” Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us. Some of these lessons include: To become stronger. To communicate more clearly. To trust your instincts. To express your love. To forgive. To know when to let go. To try something new.
- Things change, but the sun always rises the next day. – The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.
- Giving up and moving on are two very different things. – There comes a point when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up, and it’s not the end. It’s a new beginning. It’s realizing, finally, that you don’t need certain people and things and the drama they bring.
- Distance yourself from negative people. – Every time you subtract negative from your life you make room for more positive. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. Let go of negative people, for they are the greatest destroyers of self confidence and self esteem. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
- Perfect relationships don’t exist. – There’s no such thing as a perfect, ideal relationship. It’s how two people deal with the imperfections of a relationship that make it ideal. Read The Road Less Traveled.
- You must love yourself too. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?
- Don’t let others make decisions for you. – Sometimes you just have to live not caring what they think of you, shake off the drama, and prove to YOURSELF that you’re better than they think you are.
- Resentment hurts you, not them. – Always forgive people and move on, even if they never ask for your forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for you. Grudges are a waste of happiness. Get that unnecessary stress out of your life right now.
- You’re not alone. Everyone has problems. – To lose sleep worrying about a friend. To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down. To feel like less because someone didn’t love you enough to stay. To be afraid to try something new for fear you’ll fail. None of this means you’re dysfunctional or crazy. It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to right yourself. You are not alone. No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions. When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it is your mind trying to sell you a lie.
- You still have a lot to be thankful for. – Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of brave people who are overcoming it. Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next. Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.
- Consciously nurture your inner hope. – A loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”
- It’s better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie. – You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished, or expected them to be. It’s always better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.
- It’s hard to tell exactly how close you are to success. – Connecting the dots going forward is nearly impossible, but when you look backward it always makes perfect sense. Success is often closer than it seems, and arrives suddenly, when you least expect it.
- Not getting what you want can be a blessing. – Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck, because it forces you reevaluate things, opening new doors to opportunities and information you would have otherwise overlooked.
- Laughter is the best medicine for stress. – Laugh at yourself often. Find the humor in whatever situation you’re in. Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.
- Mistakes are important to make. – We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But if you think about it, we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices, and even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time. We now have more power to shape our future. Remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Get back up! Oftentimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Worrying is literally a waste of energy. – Worry will not drain tomorrow of its troubles, it will drain you of your strength today. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
- Even when it’s hard to move, take small steps forward. – Especially in trying times, it’s important to continuously push yourself forward. Because momentum is everything! As long as you keep the momentum positive – even if you’re moving at a snail’s pace – you’ll eventually get to the finish line. So celebrate every step you take today, no matter how small. Because every step will lead you farther away from where you were yesterday and closer to where you want to be tomorrow. Be it a better life or a dream we long to realize, we reach our destinations by taking many, many small steps in the same direction, one at a time.
- There will always be people who dislike you. – You can’t be everything to everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What others think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
- You are better off without some people you thought you needed. – The sad truth is, there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great friends you can always count on.
- You are ONLY competing against yourself. – When you catch yourself comparing yourself to a colleague, neighbor, friend, or someone famous, stop! Realize that you are different, with different strengths – strengths these other people don’t possess. Take a moment to reflect on all the awesome abilities you have and to be grateful for all the good things in your life.
- You can’t control everything that happens to you. – But you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects — whether you’re happy or not depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. For instance: Did you catch a head cold? At least it’s only a temporary virus and nothing life-threatening. Did you lose a basketball game? Thankfully you got to spend the afternoon with friends doing something fun and healthy. Did your stock market savings go down? It’ll bounce back in the long-term. And besides, it’s great that you’ve been diligent and fortunate enough to save a nest egg of savings when many people are barely making ends meet. You get the idea.
- Life is NOT easy. – If you expect it to be, you will perpetually disappoint yourself. Achieving anything worthwhile in life takes effort. So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before. Above all, make sure you properly align your efforts with your goals. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.
- Your future is spotless. – Regardless of how filthy your past has been, your future is still spotless. Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Don’t look back unless it’s a good view. Every day is a fresh start. Each day is a new beginning. Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life. One of the very best ways to get beyond past troubles is to concentrate all of your attention and effort on doing something that your future self will thank you for.
- You are not trapped; you just need to re-learn a few things. – We all have doubts that make us feel trapped at times. If you doubt your ability to make a life-altering decision, to take on a new chapter in your life, or to fend for yourself after years of being overly-fostered, consider this: Surely if a bird with healthy wings is locked in a cage long enough, she will doubt her own ability to fly. You still have your wings, but your muscles are weak. Train them and stretch them slowly. Give yourself time. You’ll be flying again soon.
- Everything in life is two-sided. – There is good reason why we can’t expect to feel pleasure without ever feeling pain; joy without ever feeling sorrow; confident without ever feeling fear; calm without ever feeling restless; hope without ever feeling despair: There is no such thing as a one-sided coin in life, with which one can buy a pain-free, trouble-free existence.
- You always have a choice. – No matter what, there are always at least two options. If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it. You can sit in the dark, or you can find your inner light and discover powerful pieces of yourself you never knew existed. You can view a crisis as an invitation to learn something new, viewing the shake-up in your outer world as an enlightening opportunity to wake-up your inner world.
- Let others in when you’re in a dark place. – No, they won’t always be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.
- If you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers. – There are no positive answers to, “Why me?” “Why didn’t I?” “What if?” etc. Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself? I doubt it. So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction. For instance, “What have I learned from this experience?” “What do I have control over?” “What can I do right now to move forward?”
- The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me. Dear Future, I am ready now!” Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.
Photo by: Chris Schoenbohm
Matt says
Truly inspiring…I need to print this out and put it on my office wall!
Lena says
What an amazing post! Just what I needed to begin the new year 🙂
Sweet says
I am so delighted to read this blog, not only this but all the blogs that this one has, it opens my mind more on how things are around me, how life goes on what ever happen…its a great year to start together with the blog of marc and angel 😀 god bless you and keep it up..
Scentsy says
After recently going through a very difficult situation and not seeing how I could bounce back and have hope again, I look back now and realize what a better person I am due to that difficult situation. This is a great post reminding us all that tough times only make us better. Thank you! 🙂
Justin Mazza says
Hi Marc,
I know that many of us have this belief that we have to be strong during tough times but I believe we need to go through our emotions first before we can move on successfully.
Hope on Hope says
We love the practical suggestion on cultivating hope (number 21). Sometimes speaking it out makes it real and helps us to embrace what is already there. You’ll find us quoting you on our blog soon (with due credit, of course!) Thanks for all the insights.
Hope on Hope
Rosemary says
Thank you sooooo much! You are simply a blessing.
oQ says
As we enter 2012 I found myself in a very dark space when I was reflecting over the past couple of years. I was focused on feelings such as fear, regret and sadness. Hardly the way one should approach new opportunities…
Strangely enough, the day in which these these low key emotions peaked was the day I discovered this article. I read it and it completely changed my perspective towards the positive. The week has went by and my spirits have been lifted entirely. I have shifted my focus towards opportunity and being present. I now feel excited, centered and inspired!
Thank you so much for sharing this article. It gave me (and I am sure others) perspective and it is very valuable.
Thank you 🙂
gen says
Thank you! This was perfect…
Lisa says
Marc
this site is amazing! I have tweeted it to Oprah. You share so much of what she speaks of. This past year I have learned so much with my 7 year old son being treated for cancer (stage 4 neuroblastoma). I have learned every single one of these 40…and I am so grateful that I did..I am a better human being and I am able to send that positive energy out into the world. So many resonate with me…but I do remember a very difficult time while my son was going through treatment in hospital and as I sat in the dark by his bedside one night, I was lead to read a passage by Rumi on my computer: “God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches you by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly – not one.”…which you point out in #36 Everything In Life is Two-Sided. It is through experiencing sorrow that you can truly appreciate joy, feel despair to appreciate hope. What other way can we learn to feel one unless we feel it’s total opposite?
Stephen says
Good stuff, Marc & Angel! I agree, happiness’s about leaping on faith alone and amidst uncertainty at the right moment; timing is everything but if we focus too hard on a foul past we get scared & miss a great future.
Anne says
Thank you so much for the amazing and inspirational things you post. I too as I saw Annie posted have been going through a tough time over the last several months. A stupid mistake that happened in a moment by myself, has been eating away at me and overwhelming me for months. I lost my home, friends I have known all my life, everything. I have been working on forgiveness that I have been able to allow myself yet because I know without it, I can’t move forward. Thank you for what you write, you make me believe that things can get better. I am lucky to have found you.
Shaun says
This was valuable. Thanks Marc and Angel!
Tamra Wade says
Amazing and powerful! Thank you for your heartfelt words. I love and look forward to your blog posts. 🙂
Tamra
Paper Hope
Amy says
I am a new follower to your blog, and I must say that this article came at just the perfect time. Words are truely inadequate to express my appreciation, but take my thanks with the understanding that it means so much more. Thank you.
Houdini says
Perfect list – and so SO true! Thanks for putting it all so succinctly 😉
vaneSSa (@TheMathGuru) says
You guys totally, absolutely rock. Just wanted to let you know that I added you to my blogroll <3
Beth says
Thank you so much. This list is very helpful to me.
Nhyrie Villaceran says
Thanks for this! I agree with every point.
Daniel Valentino says
Sometimes placing positivity against reality can be tough to look at, but your words here are helping me. They’re telling me to believe and to keep pushing forward. Well, hope starts from here I guess… Thank you =)
Karina says
Thanks for another great post 🙂 Things always come in the right moment, in the right place, in the right way… Sometimes it’s just difficult to recognize it straight away. Feeling stronger today 🙂 Thanks.
ollieB says
So sorry to hear of all your sorrowful experiences you and Angel have had this past year. It is wonderful for us, your fans, that you can still add wise tenets that benefit us. I love what you say about placing your hand over your heart and saying “hope lives here.” Thanks for the inspiration.
Kailash Mohankar says
Love to Marc and Angel,
Hey guys, great job! I was moving through great kind of depression and your blog, quotations and wisdom helped me a lot to overtake all these all worries. I love this blog.
mars says
Again, what a great post and great lessons. I’ve also been through some serious hard times, especially in the last few months. I’ve learned a few of these lessons too, but learned even more today after reading this. I shared it on my blog – hopefully my readers will love it too (I KNOW they will). Live, laugh, love…
-mars
Jim says
I can’t adequately express my sincere gratitude for finding this post today. Many, many thanks to my FB friend who posted it and also to you two for creating it. One of the greatest gifts I could have ever realized at arguably the darkest time of my life. Bless you both and everyone who has added a comment. Hope indeed lives here…
Pamela says
Thank you. Really needed to remind myself that ‘I’ still matters to me. This was a great reminder. Thank you so much. 🙂
Judith Shainholtz says
These life lessons are inspiring, motivating and eternal truths.
John Dimotsis says
Excellent, inspiring questions! Carry on!
don quichote says
Always be looking straight forward. 🙂 Thanks for the reminders.
Vishal Bhatt says
Marc, I feel much better after reading this post, thanks for the wonderful life lessons.
Shanell says
Marc, I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I have been crying for the past 6 hours. I have been trying to deal with a life that seems to kick me when I’m down and drop me on my face when I am up. I have been struggling for the past 5 years and there is something inside of me that breeds hope and positive change but sometimes life gets to be too much to take. I get tired of trying to convince myself that things will get better because they seem to just get worse. I have been trying to be hopeful for 5 years now. I swear 5 years feels like a lifetime when you are trying to overcome life’s hardships but at the same time 5 years feels like nothing when life seems to be going the way that you want. After reading your post I realized that having hope is ALL that I have to hold on to and that’s not such a bad thing!
Thanks Again Marc And Bless you And your Family 🙂
Courtnie says
Thank you. I really needed this today! 🙂
Lo Kiat Vui @ Kelvin says
Two Thumbs Up!!!
Ray says
Thank you for the words I needed to see at a very bad time in my life. Some of them will help me and some of my own will help me too. The words reminded me that I needn’t be too ashamed of not being as perfect as many people expected me to be, that the opinions of those people are not all there is and that my own opinion of myself is the one that matters most.
Michael Deer says
I am so glad that other people are talking about finding strengths more than focusing our energy and precious resources on OUR WEAKNESSES? This is what i talk about in my latest post, too!
This a simple tip that makes a huge difference in my clients’ lives.
Great JOB!
Ankita says
Thank you for making me feel better at least for a moment… I hope i will be strong enough to apply all this.
Claire says
I came across your message as I was sat in the car, looking on the Internet for comforting stories from people who may be going through the same thing as I am now. I’m expecting my first baby in January and I’m terrified of the prospect that my husband and I might not make it through that far. Our relationship has been up and down for many years mostly due to outside elements such as major debt problems, losing jobs, no family to speak of for either of us, because of finances we have nothing in our lives and instead of it bringing us closer together it’s pushed us further apart. There’s massive resentment on both parts and any love that we once showed to each other is long gone. I do love him though and I think deep down he still loves me. I don’t want to break up but I feel the situation for years has been chipping away at the both if us and neither of us seem to know how to get any enjoyment out of life anymore. What will be will be I guess and I try to stay positive. Your words helped me for a minute even though I cried through most of them, so thank you.
Slammer says
I was feeling hollow and exempt from feeling, some of these lessons struck me off guard and I thank you for that. Sometimes it’s difficult for me(And probably other people) to find the motivation and power to move on forward and give it your best.
When I feel down, I feel weak too. I hate that feeling, but it’s rather hard to escape it once you’ve been caught in it. Back when I was hunger a good night of sleep usually put me back in track for a new great day, but then I noticed it wasn’t the case anymore. This is why I’m grateful for this post, it helps me find new ways to overcome depression and essentially find the man I once was.
Lou says
Feel so much better after reading this post. Thank you so much! Feel so recharged and excited for the coming days. 🙂
Rachel says
These were very inspiring. Thank you so very much!
Jo says
Excellent! Very motivating! Ready and geared to face the world with a new outlook on life. Oftentimes we are caught in a situation and let it drain us to the point to where every moment leaves you thoughtful and hurt.
Lets fill that void with happiness and with an effort to do better each and every day.
Courtney says
This was wonderful to read. My mom had a severe stroke on October 3..and has been in the hospital since. There were many complications that came along after her stroke. As well as a minor heart attack. We were hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. She is doing absolutely amazing now, and I have been with her almost every day. I can’t seem to not go see her most days. It’s exhausting, but well worth it when I see the smile on her face when she sees me. It’s such a strange feeling..I feel like I am mourning the loss of my mother, best friend, even though I get to see her everyday.
I am grateful to have her with me.
Thank you for posting this. Very nice to read. Sure helps you think about what is truly important in life.
Dorothy says
This has helped me feel so much better. I am really glad i found this page. Thank you very much indeed.
Theresa says
Wonderful post. Very encouraging and helped me see a clear view for today and moving forward. Thank you for sharing!
Chloe says
Amazing post. Really helped me to see things in perspective and get out of self pity mode. Thank you so much, this was a blessing to read. Chloe x
Betty says
I cried when I read this post; it’s beautiful written. Very inspiring and reminds me of the important things in life.
Missymissb says
Your website is keeping me alive.
Thank you so much for all the time and work that you put into all this as. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I make sure I read your writings in the morning and at night and they help so much.
Thank you
RP says
Dudes, this helped me today… you made a difference.
suneel says
Fantastic. Holistic view amazing!
Shahjhan Virk says
Very helpful… it seems like you are someone who really understands pain and healing.