A few weeks ago I wrote about a school project entitled “Lessons Life Teaches” that I helped my neighbor’s son, Jesse, with. After we were done discussing the project, Jesse and I chatted for an hour about growing up and his imminent transition out of high school and into adulthood. He asked me one question after the next about college, career options, entrepreneurship, starting and running a popular blog, etc. He was thirsting for knowledge, and I was truly inspired by his enthusiasm to learn about all the possibilities that await him in the next phase of his life.
It was his final question that really made me think though. He asked, “What am I not learning in the classroom?” I answered the question as best I could, and tried to give some decent advice with the time I had, but for some reason this question stuck with me. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it I realize there are actually several important lessons that can’t be fully taught or learned in a classroom environment. Here are the first eight that came to mind when I sat down to write this morning:
1. Unimagined, real world life experiences.
The most prolific experience is not in achieving something, but in seeking it. It is the journey towards an endless horizon that matters – goals that move forward with you as you chase them. It’s all about the pursuit and what you learn along the way – the ‘moving.’
The most important reason for moving from one place to another is to see what’s in between. In between is where passions are realized, love is found, strength is gained, and memories are made. You can’t get any of that without firsthand living.
2. True love and vulnerability.
You are subconsciously hardwired to connect with others – friendship, love, intimacy, etc. – and your willingness to be vulnerable is the gateway to the affection you crave from them. But it takes serious courage to push the limits of your vulnerability, to dig deeper and deeper into the core of who you are as a unique individual and not only love and accept the imperfect parts of yourself but also expose them to someone else, trusting that this person will hold them considerately.
Ultimately, to love is to be vulnerable, and to be willingly vulnerable is to show your greatest strength and your truest self. Finding and nurturing the right relationships that make this kind of love possible is a beautiful, lifelong process. Read 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.
3. Actually staying positive when times get tough.
You are allowed to have bad days. Even the happiest people in the world have bad days. The reason they are able to maintain their happiness is that they know bad times are short-lived. The weight of mistakes, the pain of rejection, the frustration of failure, and the aches of injuries fuel the happy instead of dragging them down. They know these events are making them wiser and stronger. Happiness isn’t a temporary state of mind. Happiness is an enduring faith that what goes around comes around. It’s a lifestyle that requires acknowledging that you are willing to do the work to make tomorrow a better day.
In any situation, it’s not your specific circumstances that shape you, it’s how you react to your circumstances. You can’t direct the wind, but you can always adjust your sails. When it rains look for rainbows, when it’s dark out, look for stars. Making a habit of this takes time and practice, but the positive effects will change the trajectory of your life.
4. Coping with betrayal.
As William Blake so eloquently said, “It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
Betrayal is a double-edged sword. Not only do you feel betrayed by someone you trusted, you feel like you betrayed yourself for trusting this person in the first place. You blame them and then you blame yourself. Learning to cope and let go enough to think clearly is something that can’t be fully understood in a conceptual setting; it must be realized and enforced as it happens.
If you feel betrayed, it’s important to release any feelings of hate at once. By doing so the bitterness has no time to take root. Only then can you begin the process of evaluating the real situation – perhaps a frightening possibility such as: “My beloved doesn’t love me,” or perhaps a more innocuous realization: “This was an honest mistake that deserves to be forgiven.”
5. The reality of death and the beauty of life.
There is only one thing in this world more disheartening than dying before you think it’s time, and that’s having a loved one who is dying before you think it’s time. Depression is a primary side effect of dying, especially when the fatally ill is someone dear to your heart, or you yourself. It’s a kind of aching pain and confusion that can’t be adequately portrayed in words. Dealing with it is something all together different than an abstract discussion about it.
You honestly never fully grasp how much someone means to you until the reality of their existence becomes an uncertain, immanent matter of life and death. You never truly appreciate what you have in every little moment until you are faced with the possibility of not having another. Read The Last Lecture.
6. Adjusting to life’s ever-changing obstacles.
What is true today may not be tomorrow. Life is a series of natural and continuous changes – everything is a moving target. What’s truly important is to embrace these changes as they happen. To let the reality be the reality. To let life’s happenings flow naturally forward, and to swim proficiently with the current.
Your body, after all, is over 60% water. You must learn to flow like the water that’s already a major part of who you are. Water never resists. Water’s strength is in its patience, persistence and adaptability. It can’t stop everything that’s thrown at it, but it always goes around obstacles and through them. Very few things in the end can reliably stand against it. In time, even a small, slow, steady drip can wear away the face of a massive bolder.
So keep this in mind always as you deal with life’s ever-changing obstacles. Practice your patience and persistence and remember what you’re made of. Like water, if you can’t go through an obstacle, flow around it.
7. Self-forgiveness after a big mistake.
There’s a significant difference between knowing that you should forgive yourself and actually doing it. Conceptually, it’s easy to say, “I forgive you.” Sincerely believing it after you make a mistake, on the other hand, is a totally different practice – it takes discipline, strength and lots of self-love. But that’s exactly what you must learn to do.
When you initially forgive yourself, it’s hard. It’s like pouring alcohol on an infected wound. There’s a sharp initial pain and your scar becomes inflamed, but then it begins to heal so you can start living a healthy life again. It’s all about getting used to dealing with pain upfront – getting it over with before it festers.
Because the truth is, unless you let go, unless you pardon yourself, you can’t move forward. You must love yourself enough to accept your humanness. You have to sincerely forgive yourself, everyday, whenever you remember a shortcoming, or realize you’ve made another mistake. You have to tell yourself, “It’s OK. You’re doing OK.” Take it as a lesson learned and forge toward the future without looking back.
8. Maintaining a healthy balance.
Life is an endless balancing act. There will always be more than one option and more than one obligation competing for your time. Your power ultimately lies in your small daily choices, one after another, that you use to balance these demands, which gradually create eternal ripples of a life well lived.
You must find the happy medium that works best for you in your unique situation – the right balance between activity and rest, work and family, passion and money, short-term and long-term goals, getting things done and leaving them undone, etc. Without balance everything falls out of whack. For instance, when you let your work life, or social life, or family life consume you, and 100% of your energy is focused in that one area 100% of the time, every other area of your life suffers.
If you’re going to get things done right, be successful with your endeavors, and find lasting happiness, you need to balance the various dimensions of your life in a way that makes sense to you and your priorities. Over time, and with enough experience, you will be able to evaluate any situation and find a happy, healthy equilibrium. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What must be lived to be learned? What’s another important lesson that can’t be fully taught or learned in a classroom? Leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: Andreia Bohner
Martin says
On the self-forgiveness front, dealing with failure is key. I fail and I fail often. I fail fast. I fail in relationships, business, the gym, and life. I love it. I actually have come to enjoy failing.
Failure is humbling. You either did something wrong or what you did just didn’t work. Or maybe it wasn’t your turn to succeed?
Either way, failure is important.
Inspiring Citizen Rafi says
Marc,
More than the entire post the biggest learning for me is from your comment..
After reading your comment I strongly felt you are walking your talk, because these are obstacles that we face in our real life and at times we burn out due to such instances.
Tomas Alva Edison lost his entire laboratory and he said… I have an opportunity to start all over again…
My blog was hacked a couple of weeks back and I just thought the same thing… There are certain things which is out of our control and we need to accept that fact and move forward.
Only thing which is in our hand is to act positively and leave the rest to God or destiny or fate, whatever it is… I am yet to find the truth and I am in the pursuit of finding the real truth, if there is one.
And Last Lecture by Randy Pausch is simply stunning!
Sincerely,
Rafi
Jason says
LOVE THIS!
BTIQ says
I appreciate the lessons I’ve learned outside the classroom far more than those I learned within it. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had life coaches in our schools, from kindergarten on? I think it would help.
Also, I would only add some sort of spiritual literacy to this list – being mindful in the present moment.
Amy says
Hi,
Thank you for your helpful and informative post. I would definitely read the books you advised in your blog post.
To my opinion, “dealing with stress in the office” is the biggest challenge I have up till this time and it’s not taught in the classrooms. Thanks for sharing your ideas, it helped a lot.
Kenneth Pierce says
Not all things can be learned in school. In the real world, there are no tests that need to be passed. You just have to prepared at all times and always do your best. Life always surprises people.
Bree says
Speak up for yourself. You are the master of your own voice. Talk to everyone you meet; the young, the old, the stranger. You will be surprised what you learn. Everyone has something to give and share but you will never know if you don’t use your voice. Many learnings come from conversation.
joyus says
Being, working and trusting from your heart.
Lane says
Beautifully stated, perfect for me right now! Thank You!
D. says
PERFECT for today! The portion regarding forgiving a friend’s betrayal struck such a chord with me! I held onto the bitterness from 3 consecutive betrayals for a long time until I realized that it made me an angry and weary person. Letting “it” go allowed me to finally let “them” go.
@RexFB says
I love your post! As a school principal and more importantly as a dad I would add these to your list:
FRIENDS : These are the people that you will grow to love and enjoy being with. Some will stay the test of time and others will not. You will find that some friends will go deep quickly and some will take time; some will be able to meet occasionally and be right back in the moment others will become distant. This is okay. Enjoy friends as they are and as they were.
Time: This moves on. You can worry and fret about how much passes or you can enjoy it and look for more. Like a crucible it has the power to clarify your memories or take them away. You have a choice in that: remember or release.
I will have my kids read your blog today,
Rex
Patti says
I would add to the list the importance of learning how to set memorable goals. Not learning in an abstact way, but actually being mentored or taught through completing the process.
I must also add, you pointing out that we are 60% water prompted an epiphany. I don’t know how to visualize. Imagining myself as a body of water not resisting but flowing around obstacles and adapting are so profound for me it brought tears to my eyes… it’s a concept that I am able to apply with ease, and I thank you.
Gillian says
I read (not in a classroom) that the beauty of being human is because of the impermanence. When we allow ourselves to be truly vulnerable in our relationships, in some way we are surrendering to not knowing how long we may be with this person on this earth plane and there is joy in being together in the moment. I see the fabulous blossom tree that bloomed last week outside my window and the blossoms are almost gone today. Was it beautiful? It was truly magnificent. I guess my question to myself would be “How do I cease the moment from a place of joy and not regret that it may be over soon”. Or, is that little piece of regret part of the joy that makes me relish the moment more?
Amandah says
All of these are fantastic!
Here are my thoughts on staying positive when times get tough.
There are many who sell the idea that positive thinking is a magical antidote to ALL of your problems. Wrong! It is not. If you don’t process the hurt, pain, and anger, you’ll stay in a vicious cycle of hurt, pain, and anger. Feel your feelings and let them go. It’s okay if you want to wallow just don’t stay there. Try to find the positive or good in your life even if it sucks big time; however, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t. It’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Don’t put a time limit on it like we do when someone dies. You don’t have to ‘get over it’ in less than 2.5 seconds.
If you take the time and process your feelings, you’ll have a better chance of seeing the gifts in the midst of turmoil. You will be able to see the positive and develop an attitude of gratitude. Just don’t rush the process. It’s not a race.
Ev says
Great post! I think experimenting is something that isn’t taught enough in the classroom. In most classes teacher grade based on ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answers to questions instead of asking questions that don’t have right or wrong answers, but simply lead a student in the right direction… which is how the real world often works.
ecolealamaison says
Merci pour ces conseils judicieux. Des conseils à partager, spécialement auprès des parents qui font l’école à la maison. Nous proposons aussi nos avis.
English translation: Thank you for this advice. It’s is good advice to share, especially with parents who are homeschooling. I share similar opinions and insights.
Sandra Hamlett says
Once again you have given me exactly what I needed to start the day. I have been dealing with a deep betrayal and struggling with letting go and forgiving myself. Your words were the hug I so desperately needed.
To add to your wonderful list, I would say everyone is on their own path. There is no right way or wrong way. Our culture focuses too much on taking the correct number of steps to achieve a goal. What might work for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. You see this on college campuses where many students struggle with being in school. They are miserable and unhappy believing there is only one path after high school. We have to be more accepting of each persons journey.
don mars says
I would add patience. It cannot be taught – to me patience seems to be a skill i have been forced to acquire, and with life’s lessons have come to realize that it also a tool to be used when all else fails. Patience, living in the moment, the serenity prayer all seem to go hand in hand. Lessons and understandings that have come later in life for me, but not taught in the classroom.
Have a great day everyone 🙂
Caroline says
Hi there! This is a wonderful post. I would like to suggest that you put some of these posts in mp3 format so we can listen to them on the go. I’m Brazilian, I’m learning English and I really would like to learn more and be inspired by listening your amazing tips. Thank you!
M says
I would add ‘loving’ to the list. Learning to share love, accept love, and nurture loving relationships.
Debbie says
Marc,
I would add: Sharing
Share what you have with others. Life experiences, failures, successes, anxieties, and how you manage them, joys, gratitude, money, time, talent, the best and the worst of who you are…
Yesterday I had a conversation with the oldest of my 3 sons, a high school senior, after a conference my ex-husband had with his math teacher. He was confident in his ability to pass the class (and there is still time for him to pull his grade from a D to an A). He was curious about his father’s reaction. I told him that I thought his father was anxious because he was probably afraid that his son would not graduate high school with his class. He then asked about my anxiety. I told him I wasn’t anxious about it at all. He asked why? I was able to tell him that I knew he was going to graduate. I was confident in his ability to bring his grade up and do more than just pass. But I was also able to tell him, that even if he doesn’t, he will still graduate from high school. He will just get a sheet of paper instead of a diploma and that his diploma would be mailed to him after summer school. He would still be attending college somewhere in the fall.
Rick Carter says
As the parent of an autistic child, I get the opportunity to do this all the time. Which is wonderful for both of us.
I would add one thing: that everything springs from your innate creativity. I spend a lot of time with my daughter channeling her love and interest in drawing and art into each subject. When she draws a math problem, she gets it. When she story boards her book report, she sees the relationships. It’s not a visual cue thing – it’s that she is tapping into a creative source that school won’t acknowledge. By separating the subjects, school teaches people to “be creative in art class” and “follow the rules in match class.” Education and life are so much more wonderful when creativity and imagination are the starting point. “What if…” should be the agenda for every meeting.
Cindy Bailey says
Perfect timing for me! Your entire post added awareness to what I’m going through lately. I’ve been struggling with self-doubt and taking things too personally.
And your readers’ comments are dead-on.
To the list, I would add:
If you’re in a position where you’re not sure what to do next, it’s okay if you do nothing. Too often, we are pressured to make a decision “right now,” but stand true to what your heart and mind are telling you, and don’t choose, don’t act, don’t make a decision, until you are ready to. Often, it’s the sitting still and releasing stress, that allows the mind to solve whatever dilemma you’re in right now. Be patient with yourself…and with others. Eventually, the answer, or right choice, will present itself to you.
Rebecca says
You will make mistakes that can’t be undone, but those failures have the potential to lead you to far more success than the “do-overs” you got in school.
Arzu says
Your posts are always spot-on. I really need to work on self-forgiveness.
Sonia says
I would echo a couple of the readers who commented on aspects of spirituality that must be experienced to be learned. The bliss of being in this world but not of this world. Higher states of consciousness and feeling Oneness with everything in the cosmos. Present moment awareness, getting out of your “monkey mind” of endless streaming thoughts and just Being.
B616 says
This is all very true. I’d add that nothing is what it seems. People, stories, places and things have a depth to them that we may will never completely uncover or understand. When things don’t make sense to us or someone disappoints (or surprises) us… we gotta remember that we don’t know everything…and we never will
Benny says
I feel the importance of learning after school is something that needs to be addressed.
For a long time, I’ve seen school as my primary source of information. Then I’d head home and watch cartoons and play video games. Although these create different skills and lessons, to achieve a higher level of thinking you must learn elsewhere.
As a student, you’re learning the same things as all of your peers. What makes you stand out among them is what they don’t know. So you’re falling way behind when you only have the classroom as your source of knowledge.
I’ve since realized this and made a big change. I’ve learned to read and craft my skills as a writer. I’ve learned to build connections and network in a bigger community.
That’s something that school definitely did not teach me.
David Rapp says
1. Forgiveness. We missed the part about asking someone else to forgive us. Compared to forgiving others, this is far more critical.
2. Vulnerability and Betrayal: 2 great ones. When someone truly makes themselves vulnerable to you, are you trustworthy? If you betray someone else, what do you do? How about when they will not forgive you? These are the struggles I am currently in.
3. Seeking experiences: 90% of your happiness will be determined by your spouse (or equivalent), your career choices and your home. These are all 100% emotional experiences, not the logical, academic or philosophical ones. Seek these 3, the rest our details.
RH72 says
A few of my personal “life lessons”:
(1) Asking for help does not mean you are too weak to deal with your own problems.
(2) What you are thinking/feeling does not necessarily reflect reality. Anyone who has dealt with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues will know exactly what I mean.
(3) When you fail to meet a goal, it can mean that you are not ready for it, or it can mean that you do not possess the necessary aptitude to achieve it. This is especially true in your career. Look around. There are other opportunities that may bring you greater happiness, growth, and success than you ever realized.
(4) Don’t change who you are to please other people. Everyone involved will end up unhappy.
(5) Don’t be afraid to move on. You may be tempted to stay with a job, a partner, a city, a religion, etc. because it’s comfortable, familiar, and safe. But if your body, mind, emotions, or spirit are calling on you to change, don’t be afraid to try something different.
Jackie says
I totally agree with Martin! Failure is important because without it we dont learn. It’s how we learn to deal with it that’s important.
I loved #6!!
Thank you Marc and Angel once again!! 🙂
Ivan says
Marc,
You’ve got quite a few great points here. Number 5 is something we truly don’t learn in school. A person can’t possibly understand death by discussing it in abstract ways. One must experience it for it to be real.
A couple more ideas to add to your list:
1) How to Think for Yourself (and Not Just Follow Orders)
School is all about doing what the teacher says. In life, you have to think for yourself. There aren’t always teachers to guide you.
2) Find Out What You’re Truly Capable Of
Sure, you may pass all the tests in school. But you wouldn’t truly know what you can do until you are tested out in the real life.
School is a great learning place. But we should remember that learning doesn’t stop once we’re out of school. Leaving school is not the end of learning. It is merely the end of the beginning.
Ed says
If you take care of the little things in life, the big things will take care of themselves.
Carol says
There are two types of knowledge: acquired and earned. Learning in school is the first type, along with learning from others and books etc. The second (earned) is far more important and useful. We work and fight for this type and we end up learning so much more about everything that really matters in life. This cannot be given to you…You must actively be a part of this type of learning knowledge. When you achieve earned knowledge it cannot be given away (as in just telling someone about it). They will not be able to know and feel what was learned. But, you can be the example, the shining light for someone else to see and start to seek that same knowledge for themselves on their journey. To live and be in this moment is the best kind of learning. This is a lifelong endeavor and not always easy, but definitely worth it. Also just try to be the best Human Being you can be.
Thank you Marc and Angel for all you do to teach us these life skills, for being the beacon of light to so many.
jasmine says
Kind of like what Sonia said – To stand in another person’s shoes and suspend judgement. When you are in a higher place you can do that truly and it doesn’t feel like a big effort at all.
cw says
Understand and agree, all are very profound truths…
But: sometimes it feels like I’m living with the pressure of acting for others and impressing the, like the movie Truman Show, while trying build the character they expect of me. Growing and getting attacked by virtual peeping toms can be stressing.
Solace is found at places like here! Thanks.
Marc says
@Martin: Absolutely true. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.
@Bree: Great addition! Absolutely connected with this.
@RexFB: Thank you for spreading the material and the added insight! =)
@Ev: I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes asking the right question is the answer. Have you seen our sister site: http://thoughtquestions.com/ ?
@Ivan: Spot on my friend! =)
@cw: Keep living up to your own expectations. Impress yourself every day and you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for in life. Glad to have you as part of the community.
@All: Thank you everyone for sharing the lessons you’ve learned in the real world. I strongly believe that every day is a priceless experience in the classroom of life, and the learning never stops. The more we pay attention to the present moment, the more we grow and the more life we actually live.
Cheers to living and learning and growing, together.
PS: I’ll check back in later to read more comments. And I intend to re-read the comments above once again and discuss them with Angel. Lots of remarkable insights. Thank you for keeping the conversation alive.
Nathan Young says
I would add taking care of your own body. If you don’t eat right and exercise, you are going to feel horrible and then you get a bad attitude and feel depressed.
Michael Spenceley says
So basically what you are saying is that you can’t learn things of the spirit in the classroom. School is all about logical and left brain thinking. The spirit resides in the right brain and this requires different methods of stimulation from schooling.
Ericson Ay Mires says
Tip # 5 seems to be theme of the year for me.
My Grandma, step-dad, and dog have all past away this year.
High school certainly doesn’t feel very far away, but back then I couldn’t even conceive the idea that my family members would pass away at some point.
It’s a lesson that was waiting for when I was more mature; the lesson that life is infinitely more beautiful in the face of death.
Sandy says
Marc,
Thank you for the insight and energy you put into this each day. It is a compass for me to reset my attitude and focus. I would add to Bree’s comment that speaking up for yourself is extremely important and is also sometimes discouraged in school. The most pain and self-anger I have experienced has come from deferring to some other “authority” and not listening to that conflicting voice within that was warning me.
Roy says
I honestly want to say that this article is awesome. No contrived lesson can replace a real world experience.
Thanks a lot,
Roy
Kelly Niven says
Hi Marc.
Follow your heart. It took me until I was 28 to learn this and it caused much distress in my life. Teachers, parents, friends and other people can share their opinion but you need to learn to listen and follow your own intuition to feel happy and fulfilled. Kelly
Bates says
Great read! It’s all about living and learning along the way.
Ana Lydia says
Not very long ago, classrooms had a competitive environments. It was about being a more intelligent person than most if you got good grades. Even now in classrooms and via parents we get the message that we are supposed to compete to be a better person.
When I got out in the real world I learnt that life is not about competition and being in the first row doesn’t make you a ‘better than others’ person at all.
I learnt that life is about getting up after every fall; it’s about living in the moment and face challenges with gratitude. I learnt that material achievements and accomplishments don’t matter. The thing that matters is the courage to move on.
Thanks for the awesome Marc!
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com says
Thank you for this EXCELLENT list of life lessons. They are all very thoughtful and honest and surely come from the heart. About the only thing I would add is to never stop growing. In fact, the motto “grow or die” is something that not only provides meaning and purpose to a person’s life–but it also makes the journey worth while. Again, many thanks for a great post…. ~kg
Diana says
I would add one thing that is not always taught in school unless you have a rare teacher with wisdom. That thing is the ability to control your perceptions. We have the ability to perceive in so many ways. It’s a freedom to be able have the flexibility to “look at it in a different way,” as James in the Giant Peach says. Being able to change our perceptions can make the difference between being happy or being sad. That’s all. Thanks again for the great post.
Nate says
While practicing self forgiveness, listen to your conscience. It is there for a reason. You can never truly be happy if you have a deep seated guilt that needs to be addressed. Dig deep, bring it forward, address it, and let it go. Remember this equation: bad choices = bad consequences. In one way or another, this is always true. Do what you know is right and true and you will be set free!
Richard Lionheart says
The realisation that the golden age of TV has gone and no amount of dross Reality TV will make it any better.
Shelley says
I wholeheartedly agree with all the 8 lessons. Fantastic and thought provoking article. For myself… number 8 maintaining a healthy balance is tough. Sometimes you can get so absorbed in what your doing at the present that you forget to pay attention to the other important areas. It should be work rest and play. And looking after yourself as Nathan points out in his comment about if you don’t eat right and exercise you feel yucky. I know this is true as I have just experienced it.
Now to schedule myself so I can cover all areas in moderation. Thanks again.