Toxic friends complicate your life. These people are more than a nuisance, they’re parasitic. Precious time slips away as you deal with their negativity; and you’re left wondering why you feel so despondent. If you’re ready to simplify your life, you can’t condone these toxic friendships any longer.
What Toxic Friends Do
- They drain you. – You feel psychologically and emotionally depleted after spending time with them, instead of uplifted. (Read Emotional Blackmail.)
- They are unsupportive. – You’re afraid to tell them about new, important aspects of your life because they’ve been unsupportive or downright rude about your ideas in the past.
- They are up to no good. – They regularly partake in activities that are morally unjust.
- Their values and interests are opposite to your own. – Dissimilar value systems often mix like oil and water. This doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is wrong, it just means they aren’t right for you.
- They are unreliable. – They always break their promises.
- They only contact you when they need something. – Otherwise you never hear from them.
- They aren’t meeting you halfway. – If you are always the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with them, but they never return the favor and attempt to go out of her way for you, there’s a problem.
- They are jealous of you. – Jealousy is: “I want what you have and I want to take it away from you.”
- They have zero ambition. – Beware; a lack of ambition can be contagious. As the saying goes, “You can’t soar like an eagle when you hang out with turkeys.”
- They constantly drive you to moments of insanity. – You catch yourself daydreaming about how good it would feel to throw a banana cream pie in their face. 😉
My Story of Toxicity
Here’s why I know how bad these friendships can be: I’ve been on both sides of the court. Yeah, I have my share of victim stories about friends who were friends only if I agreed with them and gave them the spotlight. I’ve got tales of woe about past friends who were fabulous and fun, provided I didn’t try to cut into their time by (gasp!) spending time alone and having other friendships. (You know, having a life outside of them?)
But the truth is I’ve also been a terrible friend at times, and I realize this. In the past I have neglected some friendships by relying on the other person to stay in touch instead of reaching out myself. Some of these friendships withered away over time because of my toxic behavior. Bottom line: Toxicity is a two-way street – you have to be a good friend too. (Hold this thought; we’ll come back to it.)
How to End a Toxic Friendship
In my experience there are two ways to end a toxic friendship: quickly and painfully or slowly and awkwardly. Neither is fun, neither is neat, and neither is easy.
If you still want to keep this person in your life, just to a lesser degree:
- Stop responding to fake crisis calls. – If you don’t drop everything to take their “I’m so devastated! My boss gave me a look that I think means he secretly hates me and that jerk from marketing wore the same shirt as me” calls, they’ll find someone else who will. Or they’ll deal with it. Either way, it’s okay to step back and get off the first alert calling list for non-emergencies.
- Take positive control of negative conversations. – It’s okay to change the topic, talk about you, or steer conversations away from pity parties and self-absorbed sagas. Be willing to disagree with them and deal with the consequences.
- Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. – To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call toxic people out when they’ve insulted me. The best response I’ve gotten is, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end. (Read In Sheep’s Clothing.)
- Be brutally honest. – Some people really don’t recognize their own toxic tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior. You can actually tell a person, “I feel like you ignore me until you need something.” You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away: “I’m trying to focus on positive things. What’s something good that we can talk about?” It may work and it may not, but your honesty will ensure that any friendship that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground.
If you just want to completely end your relationship with the person in question:
- Stop taking their calls completely. – If you’re stuck seeing them on a regular basis, like a coworker, keep things on a purely professional level. Find a reason to leave and excuse yourself as needed. It’s passive aggressive to expect avoidance to handle the problem, but it’s an important component. You can’t cut ties if you still chat on a regular basis.
- Firmly tell them you’ve had enough. – If you’ve decided it’s time to cut a truly toxic influence out of your life, you can let them know honestly (without being cruel). “I just can’t be friends with you right now” isn’t fun to hear, but it has the benefit of putting everybody on the same page.
- Make new friends worth having. – Seriously! Give your time to friends you connect with and enjoy. The long shadows of toxic friends shrink considerably when you’ve got better things to do with your time than worry about their negativity.
Finally, Be a Good Friend
It doesn’t help to cut toxic friends out of your life if you’re not ready to foster quality friendships. On occasion, you may find that the toxicity of a friendship drains away when you start being a better friend yourself. Honestly, I’m not trying to preach; this is something I’m working on in my life.
Make that first call, offer a genuine compliment, schedule a fun outing with another person in mind, send that ridiculously funny card for no real reason – there are tons of ways to nurture your friendships. When you’re surrounded by good friends and good intentions, it’s amazing how pettiness and toxicity simply evaporates. (I’ve written about this extensively in the relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
The floor is yours:
What are your experiences with toxic friendships? How can we better recognize them? What else can we do about it? Please share your thoughts in the comments, and of course, play nice. 🙂
Photo by: Paolo Marconi
Angel says
@Spike: You might need to let your partner know you excel best in a positive, bright environment and his negativity is bringing you down. You are both in the business together and you need your combined positive brainpower to bring it to its full potential. Think of the negativity in your business as opportunities to grow the business even more.
@Justine: Ridding yourself of toxic people can be difficult especially when those people are your family. Play your part as a positive caring daughter. When things get heated choose to remove yourself from the room or not take part in the conversation. Start controlling what you can control. Choose topics your dad likes to talk about.
@Lynsey: Have you talked to this girl about your feelings? Go out just the two of you and have an open conversation about your feelings. Who knows, she may just feel intimidated by you since she is the new one to the group.
@Dev: Absolutely true. They say you become the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Nice to hear you’re hanging with the eagles. =)
@Darren: Great point. By no means was I suggesting turning your back on a friend in need. I think we’ve all experienced those friends who are constantly negative, which is just who they are, always crying for help. Thank you for bringing up the difference.
@Amandah: Thank you for the quote. When the time comes to move beyond certain things, ideas, or people, don’t resist it. Allow yourself to experience life. Allow yourself to grow, learn, and evolve. Allow yourself to move beyond the past on your path to happiness.
@Josefina: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I definitely think people come into your life at certain times to help you grow, but are not always needed your entire lifespan. Everything is a life lesson. Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting. And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.
@jasmine: Thank you for the extremely kind words. I loved your antidotes! =) Keep on smiling.
@K. Goodman: Great additions and examples, thank you.
@Kay: You can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves. Congratulations on taking a positive step forward for your own well being.
@Mjo: It will get better as you move forward and meet new people. It’s hard to let go, but it sounds like you made the right decision. Now it’s just a matter of forging ahead and not looking back.
@All: I believe the positive take away from this article is this: When we can scrutinize our lives and pinpoint opportunities to eliminate negativity, we automatically add positivity. Toxic qualities grow within us and around us when we allow them to linger and fester. Happiness is easier to come by when these toxins are removed from our lives. Bottom line. Thank you for opening up and sharing your stories. As always, Marc and I read every one of them and use them as inspiration for our own personal growth. Please keep the honest insight coming…
Nadine says
I’ve had the experience where my toxic friend would always cut me off when she felt like I served her no purpose at the moment. So she would ignore me and gossip about me and try to turn people against me. After awhile she would come back to me and I’d always forgive her and pick up the friendship again and pretend as if nothing happened.
This semester she cut me off again and it hurt for a little bit but then I realized how much better off my life is without her. She brought so much negativity in my life and being friends with her brought out the worst in me. For example, I was never a person who gossiped but when we became friends I started gossiping and talking about people so terribly! I’m so ashamed of myself for letting her bring me to that!
I’m glad that friendship is over and thank you for this article. Its very motivational!
Dranelina says
Wow… this is so weird.. I mean, I’m going through such a toxic friendship this past few months, and I really needed this. Thanks a million for this post. And yes, I do admit that I’ve been a toxic friend sometimes to few friends in the past, so maybe it’s karma, but still, this one is wearing me down in a ways that no one has.
We’ve been friends for 8 years, very close ones, even though we’re completely different, I mean total opposites. But the first thing we agreed on was”we agree to disagree”. We have made a great deal of compromises, both of us, and I’ve always accepted the fact that she was the dominant,selfish one,the one in spotlight and I was more of a listener,usually in the background, but I would always make it clear when something was upsetting me, or to much for me to take. She has this tendency of entering in totally toxic relationships with guys, and I have always been the one to point this out to her, until I saw, that my words aren’t helping her, because she is very determined to do whatever she wants, or in her words “I can hit the wall with my head if I want, just because I feel like doing it,so anyone don’t bother stopping me”. But in the meantime she would call me to ask how could she lie to him in order to keep him, or call me in 2 am afraid she might be pregnant, and keep accusing me why I couldn’t convince her she wasn’t pregnant with better arguments.
Being so straight forward I told her that I really can’t handle this conversations about her psycho bf anymore, and asked her if we could try not talking about him for a while. So I basically stopped talking about her bf for a few days. But then she asked me to start talking about him again because she really needed to vent, so I agreed, even though I really don’t know what can I do for her anymore. I mean I might sound like I’m portraying myself like such a mother Teresa, but I really have tried every thing I could to point it out to her that this guy is totally wrong and dangerous, I even went that far that I told her to end it, and walk away from him, and I regret it, because it’s not something one should say to her best friend, but her bf is really dangerous.I mean he has a record of beating and abusing his previous girlfriends, he’s into drugs and stuff, he has admitted to her that he has an STD etc etc… And she knows all of this, and still wont walk away from him.
She tells me I can’t understand what does it mean to her to know that she is desired by this handsome guy. Now she has gotten so annoyed- asking me why don’t I care about her relationship. I mean-when I talked to her about it, she would ignore me or accuse me of not understanding her. Now that I’ve taken a backseat she accuses me of not carrying enough.This is such a long story, sorry guys for taking your time and space, but I guess I just needed to let it out.
Again, thanks for the post. Couldn’t have come in a better time. Seriously I can’t thank You enough.
Kimberly says
It’s really sad to know that you’ve given a great friendship and hope they will value yours, and it turns out they are just ‘TOXIC’ friends.
J.J. says
Toxic relationships are draining. So many people will try to tell you that they’re impossible to avoid, but that isn’t true. I don’t care if they’re friends, family, etc. – if you want to distance yourself enough to get some fresh, positive air, you can.
maga says
i once heard a saying that you are the average of the five people you hang with the most. i believe this is true and try to stay away from people who belittle me or criticize my dreams for no apparent reason, just for the sake of complaining. but what is very interesting for me is the moment when one of the friends is in some kind of a crisis and becomes temporarily somehow toxic. a while ago i had a nasty accident which left me in pieces emotionally. i reached out to my friends, not even asking any help, just to say what’s happening and that i might not be my usual enthusiastic trusting self for a while till i cope with what had happened. as a result within a month i lost many of my friends, some of them leaving quietly, some blatantly sending me an email that i’m not the same cool person they befriended [10 years ago].
i guess they just figured out there is no use hanging around someone who inst being inspirational for a while. if we only look at our end of the situation, no friendship will ever survive. yes, we might have nice acquaintances, but at least for me it’s gonna be difficult to trust any of them with anything else than funny victory stories. where do you put the boundary when you say “no more”?
Martha Brettschneider says
Loved this post, and was struck by the varying degrees of relationship “toxicity” over the course of our lives. I started letting go of toxic friendships quite a while ago (I’m 49 now). If someone is a net producer of negative energy, I keep my distance. This becomes easier to do the more comfortable you are in your own skin.
It really resonated with me, though, when you said in a comment reply, “I definitely think people come into your life at certain times to help you grow, but are not always needed your entire lifespan.” I’m grieving a little that a friendship of mine that was in that category is waning. It’s not overtly toxic, but this friend appears to be uncomfortable with the spiritual awakening path (non-denominational, and certainly not pushy) my life has taken.
I also agreed completely with your advice on how to deal with toxic family members. My approach has been to not do anything that adds to their drama. I’ve stopped saying, “Poor you!” or “I can’t believe that happened to you!” I just stay totally neutral, maybe just say, “Hmmm…” and don’t give the drama and negative energy any traction. I’m no fun anymore to complain to, so they take those conversations elsewhere.
And I have no qualms about politely ending a conversation with “why don’t we talk another time” or leaving a room (or the house, if it’s my own kids) when the toxin levels start rising. Eckhart Tolle’s revelations about the “pain body” in A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, helped me stop identifying the toxicity with the person. The attack phase always passes if you don’t supply it with more energy.
Just discovered your blog, and so appreciate the work you’re doing! Thank you!
Gena says
Love the ideas. What about toxic family members? I’ve tried detachment, time, amends, compassion and space. But, every encounter eventually ends up the same. Thanks.
Ida Chiavaro says
Your post is incredible, and the comments mean this post has to stay open on my computer for a few more days so I can read at least a few more of them, what a wonderful opportunity you have given your readers.
Sam S says
You have to know when a friendship is starting to get in the way of your life and your goals. It doesn’t mean you have to not like them. You just have to say goodbye as if you are moving away somewhere long distance and start your new life with new friends that share you dreams and inspire you to become the best you can!
Ivan says
Angel,
I totally agree with your list. I’ve experienced a lot of the signs myself in some past toxic friends.
Another sign of a toxic friend is that they will intentionally ACT NICE once in a while just to convince you to stay. And once they’ve guilt tripped you into being their friend, they treat you badly again.
I think the best way to recognize toxic friends is to watch your immediate reaction whenever you contact them. I’m always excited whenever I spend time with friends I like. If I have even the slightest doubt about spending time with a person, that’s a clear warning sign.
Being with real friends should make you feel good. On the other hand, toxic friends use YOU to make THEM feel good.
Stan says
I had to end a 16 yr friendship with a truly wonderful person. Due to a freak accident, she lost her eyesight, and over time I stopped being her close friend and became her caretaker. I rebelled a few times, but she and others we knew were quick to tell me it was my place to take care of her. I was trying to help her to learn how to do for herself, but she grew to love being waited on. One of the things I had admired about her was her independence. 4 years later, I had enough and ended the friendship. Of course everyone couldn’t understand how I could be so cruel to leave her when she went blind. If her blindness had been the problem, I would have left much sooner. What a waste it was to see such a positive, loving person turn into a self absorbed invalid. I think of her often, and wonder what I could have done differently that would have made things different. I made mistakes along the way and continue to do so in my present friendships, but I think at least I have the respect of my current friends and that means a lot to me.
Carol says
Angel, I Loved this post. It totally reinforced my decisions to let go of certain people in my life. I started with the blatantly dysfunctional family members, who I hated to see. I will still see them occasionally, but on my terms and only for limited amounts of time. I find that it helps keep me from being sucked into their never ending negativity, robbing me of my serenity. Then I realized that some of my friends were there just to use me. I am a very generous talented person with a full heart and was unfortunately a people pleaser; which led me to being used a lot.
When I finally realized that they usually only called when they needed something from me or wanted me to do something for them, I started to really look at the equality of the relationship. I found I was giving way more than they were. What really woke me up was when I found myself feeling cheated all the time: not being treated like I treated them. Putting up with unacceptable behavior and then feeling like I should treat them as they treated me. That is a BIG flashing warning sign. You know someone is bad for you when you start lowering yourself to their level. This damages your spirit and honor for yourself. I hate confrontation, so I put up with this for far too long before I ended several friendships. I usually just avoid someone until they get the message, but on one occasion I sat down and wrote them a letter. I did it in a very loving way and did not blame them; I took the responsibility by saying it was my problem and that I couldn’t continue the friendship.
Another person that I thought was my best friend, lives right next door. When I got sick with cancer and couldn’t be the one who went across the street and kept the friendship going and doing all that I had previously done, things just stopped. She only made the trip across the street to see or help me a couple of times. Boy did that wake me up! Plus she was always telling me how I should be doing things, like pushing my son out on his own. The wonderful son who has learning disabilities, who stood by me and our family to help me get thru the most difficult time of my life. He cared for me , Loved me, cooked, cleaned, and transported me everywhere. He also hung in there when my husband became disabled and lost his job. He put his life on hold to help us and it was no one else’s business to decide what we should “do with him”. I started to see how much she gossiped about everyone and then found out that I was one of the people she was gossiping about. We are still friendly, but sadly from my perspective, not really friends anymore. I would rather have a few real friends who love and support me and who I equally love and support than all the others that only look for what’s in it for them.
I really loved reading all the responses from everyone, I always learn a lot of helpful things.
Kelly says
Sometimes people come into our life to bring out the worst in us so that we can realise and heal our own dysfunctions. The trick is to recognise the feelings these “toxic” people bring out in you. Like attracts like, therefore there is an element of “toxic” dysfunction in you that attracted this “toxic” person. You have to look at the whys and whats – why do I feel this way around this person/what do I do to contribute to this behaviour?
I’m not saying you need to excuse anyone’s bad behaviour – definitely don’t – but realise the lesson or mirror they are bringing into your life. If we remove every person from our life, we would end up living a reclusive life – and that’s no life at all.
Tanya says
I struggle with a world full of wonderful people who would like to spend time with me but there are simply too many of them. This may sound like a good problem at first, but as more people in my different circles propose coffee/tea/lunch/dinner, it could easily become a part-time job with travel time. So I have to care for myself and prioritize the relationships that best fit my personal goals and needs. Which sounds really selfish but after my family and professional self is spent, there is really very little of me left for socializing and by then I crave very particular activities and energies. Next challenge – how to better communicate this in a loving way so others don’t feel rejected?
Tom says
Amazing article and lush comments. Just what the doctor ordered!
Kailash says
What if I am that toxic friend? What to do to not to be one?
Jennifer says
And what do you do when the toxic ones around you are family..?
Great advice for a friend, but unfortunately you cannot always escape family. I really struggle with this one; I am trying to rid my life of negativity but often it’s just like a parasite..
I try to keep my distance most of the time, but end up being suckered into things because it is family.
Nvulane says
At times, when you’re trying to be honest and maybe telling them you can’t do something its as if you’re stingy or you don’t want to help. At least that’s how they take it; but you were just trying to be honest. They mock your personality at times… it’s hard to deal with people’s toxicity.
Zoi says
Hi! Just wanted a sympathetic ear…
For the last 2 years, I have been trying to cut out a toxic friend. The thing that annoys me the most is that she is gossips about everything and EVERYBODY (even about her best friend) and is incredibly subtle at bringing me down while smiling innocently. I have stopped asking her to go out and inviting her over to my house but I am not able to cut her out completely. So, when she asks me once every one or two months to go out for coffee I just can’t say no.But every time I get an SMS, I freak out until I see that it’s not from her. Moreover, I have stopped telling her any good news (like an upcoming trip abroad), since I am really scared of her envy. She seems to think that everybody’s life is undeservedly better than hers (like “How could she have found a man to marry her, with all her shortcomings when I am such a nice girl and still single?”)
Finally, I am now finishing my master’s degree for which I just got a state scholarship as well as paid educational leave from my job until the end of August and I haven’t told her anything because I am afraid that she will want to hang out more and I won’t be able to say no. But I really don’t want to lie either because I am worried that she may learn it somehow and confront me for not telling her and badmouth me to everybody. I avoid confrontations like the plague and hate being responsible for making someone unhappy but I really can’t stand her and as I suffer from a mild anxiety disorder my mood and concentration can be very easily affected. And I can’t have that right now because I have a dissertation to complete.
Again, sorry for the rant.
Rez says
I had a toxic friend many years ago. This person’s life was an absolute train wreck, yet thought that you should take her advice about everything from raising your child to where you should work.
The alcohol made her worse. She would call me and tell me how bad of a friend I was because I didn’t want to to take her places with me (bar events), and that was mainly because she would make an ass out of herself and me in the process. For years I would ask her to do things with me that weren’t her thing and she would tell me “no, I don’t like that band, I don’t like the movies”, etc. She however would expect me to jump for whatever she wanted to do.
I finally ended the friendship once she started acting like a jealous boyfriend when it came to my other friends. She became completely erratic.
Although it hurt at first, I realized eventually that I was never really her friend, I was her audience. I am glad that I decided to end the relationship now that time has passed and I really don’t miss her company.
Cindy Theodosis says
I recently wrote a blog about personal boundaries that overlaps some with the post above… toxic friends and relationships disrespect our boundaries and can slowly chip away at a person’s sense of self.
When you know better, you do better and can rise into your highest self!
Shannon says
It’s tough when the toxic person is a parent – but the same rules have to apply if you want to be sane. 🙂
Brooke says
I have very mixed feelings about the whole “toxic” friend thing. Sometimes people are just going through a very tough time and may come out on the other side just fine. And what if they don’t? Are they sentenced to a lonely life? I think people are too quick to jump on the what’s-best-for-me bandwagon lately. Yes, there are times when it’s best to throw in the towel on a friendship or relationship but I think people are too quick to judge in some situations.
As you may have guessed, I’ve been on both sides of the fence with this kind of thing. I was a healthy socially busy person with all sorts of friends and connections. Then I became seriously and chronically ill. I was told I wasn’t trying hard enough to get well by one friend as in I could will myself to be better. People stopped calling me because I didn’t call them. This illness kept me mostly home-bound and forced me to give up all the activities I once enjoyed. I only had the energy to stay alive and do the most basic things. So I avoided calling people because quite honestly my illness was all I knew and all I had to talk about and I knew they were tired of hearing about it. I didn’t know what to do so I just avoided conversations when I was really down and not feeling well.
I was also one of those people written about who had to cancel plans at the last minute because I just couldn’t physically do it. I wanted to, I really did but my body said otherwise. So I just stopped making plans.
But out or sight, out of mind and I dropped off most everyone’s radar.
I could go on and on about the emotional effects of a chronic illness but that’s not what this posting is about so I won’t. I just know that I was already not feeling good about myself because I was going through a grief process when my life had changed so drastically and suddenly. Knowing I was dropped from people’s lives just added to the sadness and loneliness.
On the other hand, I did dump the friend who told me I wasn’t trying hard enough and I’m starting to regret it. That person has reached out to me after a few years asking for forgiveness and I’m going to get back in touch. I’m feeling somewhat better and I’m starting to get back in touch with some of the people who dropped me from their list. According to the article they were my toxic friends since I was calling them more than they did me. On the other hand, I was the toxic friend because I was such a drag to talk to. Something has to give.
Some say life is too short to have toxic people in their lives. I say life is too short to not be more compassionate and understanding and patient. I may get better some day and be back to the person I once was. So…. people should dump me when I’m sick and really need a friend and then re-friend me when I’m well because it suits them better? I’m very fortunate that a few real friends stuck by my side and never left when the going got tough.
I’ve learned a lot since becoming ill and trying to be more compassionate towards others is one of my lessons learned. Please sit back and assess the situation before cutting someone out of your life. They may be just going through a really tough time and are in dire need of a friend. Sometimes people are self centered when they are hurting. It often is only temporary. Life is a cycle and so are all things within it. Often “This too shall pass” is the motto.
SH says
The difficult thing is when the toxic person is a family member. That you live with.
I am sometimes toxic in relationships. Maybe I draw toxic people to me. I will try the trick of being a better companion so that I will get better experiences from others. I just try not to give too much to others, which is why I am often distant and unhelpful. I don’t like being used.
I will also keep trying to be positive when others are negative. Negativity is so annoying.
Chris says
I think it’s important that we remember to always look at things from the other person’s point of view. I mean this to apply when the person is the toxic friend or if we have to admit that we are the toxic friend.
If someone is a toxic friend, I think we need to ask ourselves, why.
One cause could be that they themselves are surrounded by toxic friends and/or family members. It could be to the point where those friends and/or family members are as toxic to them as they are to you. Maybe being toxic has become the norm for them to the point where they get upset when someone isn’t.
If they lack ambition, maybe they’re just shy. It could be that they tend to need a push to get into something and once they do, they’re fine, perhaps even to the point of doing well and wishing they’d done whatever activity it is a lot sooner and feeling deep regret that they didn’t.
Maybe they see others getting into things and doing them naturally, which could drive the shy person for who it doesn’t come naturally even further away because they feel denied. People accusing them of being toxic (or comparing them to others that are not) might make them even more upset with themselves and other people, driving them even deeper.
Their lack of ambition could also a sign of a psychological problem. The sad fact is that said lack of ambition could well make someone afraid and/or unwilling to get help.
Maybe they’ve tried and failed at various things in their life and it’s made them not want to try anymore.
It’s possible that they’re surrounded by others with similar problems. It can get to the point where being that way is normal. When someone in that situation sees someone that isn’t like this, they can get upset
If they seem upset when we succeed, again, the above reasons can contribute to it.
If one isn’t successful and/or knows a lot of people that also are not, the lack of success can seem normal. Remember that misery loves company. When we’re in a negative frame of mine and are surrounded by other people that also are, it’s easy to feed on each other.
As with the lack of ambition, they’re lack of success could be caused by a psychological problem.
Hearing a success story can be upsetting to someone that isn’t doing well in life, especially when they don’t really know how to stop failing and to start succeeding. If they are in a situation where failure seems normal, the reminder that it isn’t can make them feel denied.
If you’ve had advantages/opportunities they lacked and remember this, perhaps making sure to remind them of this, it might help but it might also make them upset enough to think that successful people are somehow cheating at life.
Perhaps others have compared them (i.e., he did this, why haven’t you?) to people that have had those advantages and/or haven’t had issues like psychological problems or any number or other thing that have hampered their progress in life. Such comparisons could well drive them even further into feeling depressed and could well be encouraging toxic behaviour.
In short, I think the best thing we can in situations like this (and this applies to being on both sides of this) is to look at from the other person’s point of view. I’m not saying to tolerate or to engage in toxic behaviour. What I’m saying is to understand why someone might be doing it. If you are doing it then recognize what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Don’t just stop doing it but try to explain to them why you feel the way you feel.
If you’re finding that there’s nothing you have in common that you can discuss that won’t encourage toxic type feelings or behaviour in you, then maybe it is time for both of you to move on.
However, explain to them why you feel it’s for the best if you do feel that you’re only going to hold them back and/or feel bad for doing well.
And if you do have issues that are causing you to be toxic then try to figure out why. Don’t be afraid to get help. It’s okay to need and get help. In the end, I think it’s better to admit one needs help then to carry on being unhappy and spreading that unhappiness.
KatW says
Chris,
As someone who was diagnosed with ADD later in life (and dealing with depression as a result) I really appreciate your thoughtful insight concerning putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and asking “why?” instead of dismissing them as being intentionally toxic, thank you!! 🙂
Lauren says
I had a toxic friend (or should I say “fiend”?), who put me down in front of others in a very disparaging manner, she let me down on arrangement at the last minute, was frequently super, super late, she was a complete “no show” without an apology or explanation, she would break arrangements by e-mail at the last minute with flimsy, unbelievable explanations, she was very rude to other friends in front of me, etc. etc. I have now let her go…let her drift away. Life is too short and precious to deal with those types of people, who disguise themselves as “friends”.
Kate says
I tend to take a more cynical view of toxic people. If I have to teach someone how to behave towards others with more caring, considerate behavior…behavior that should have been learned at the age of 7…then its not going to help to “let them know” how their behavior has hurt you. They don’t care. Better to recognize these people from the beginning and cut them loose fast.
Jeanette says
I have a very kind and nice friend, but she always complains about her life, her past, her family. Then she tells me how lucky I am to have whatever is in my life that she does not have. I told her that that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think she means anything by it, but she wants me to pity her. I do feel bad for her, but I also have told her in a nice way that she has a lot to offer and needs to look forward and move on with her life. Sometimes, I want to drop her because she annoys me so much. IMO, it’s as if she wants me to feel guilty for things that I have worked for and have in my life.
Marian says
Kate
That may seem simple in theory, but it really isn’t. I have been in a toxic friendship for the last six years and I can honestly say that it is not something that happens immediately. That is something that happens very slowly and you’re not realizing it until you are trapped.
I don’t know how it has been for others, but for me it started off just as I have heard emotionally abusive relationships start off. I met my friend when I was in most need of something new, possibly a new acquaintance. I found that in her. She was funny, calm and we had a lot of the same interests (especially in music and movies). We had also both been bullied in school and talked a lot about it. I felt relieved talking to her and she would always complicate me on how good I was to her.
When we had known each other for some time we started having some fights though it’s natural in friendships and relationships, so at the time I did not pay attention to it. What bothered me about it was that it was always she who got angry with me because of something innocent I said or did. She blamed it on the fact that she suffered from panic attacks and had not taken her medicine which made it difficult for her to control her temper, so I let it go. That was not all, she began demanding way too many things from me and when I could not always meet up to her expectations she would get so angry that she wouldn’t talk to me for days. Some days later she would apologize to me and scared of losing her I accepted her apology. Then everything would be as it ‘should have been’, she would talk about her problems, I would listen to her and be the good friend she wanted me to be and she would say I am the best person she knows.
Now, six years later everything has become worse. Whenever I do the smallest mistake, like forgetting something I’ve said six months ago (no, I’m not kidding), she gets so angry I don’t recall ever seeing my parents being so angry with me when I did something bad to my siblings.
Last summer my dad got weak in his knees and the whole body. Finally my mom sent him to a doctor and we found out he had a tumor in his back and had to be operated as quick as possible. Of course we were all very worried about him and when I naively thought that she would listen to me (since I have pretty much always been there for her) she told me that she had worse problems than me and could not focus on my small problems. Her ‘big problems’ were that her boyfriend had not picked up his phone and answered to her text message.
Some weeks ago I became an aunt for the second time and I was really happy about it. She could not stand the thought of me being happy when she herself was depressed and when I told her that I can listen to her the next day if she wants to, but not the same day my sister had just had a baby. She said I have chosen the wrong path in life when I want to study to become a social worker, just because I one day did not want to listen to her talk about her new unrequited love, who she had been talking about for months.
Whenever I go out with other people she gets jealous. Some months ago my best friend, who moved to a different part of the country to study, asked me if I wanted to come and visit her for a weekend and see how she lived nowadays. Of course I wanted to go, but that did not sit well with this toxic friend. She constantly asked me if she could accompany me for the weekend and when I finally was there, she would bombard me with text messages about stupid things. Luckily, ignoring them worked in the end.
Of course, there are also the daily basis things; that my friends aren’t enough, that I don’t have enough social life (she kind of saw to it), that I am uncivilized, that I am stupid etc.
Now, having finally realized the situation I am trying to break it off with her. Unfortunately telling it straight to her face doesn’t work and telling her that her words are hurtful doesn’t help either. “I’m not mean, I’m honest. You’re the one who told me that real friends are honest with each other.” is what she will tell me, throwing my own words to my face and not realizing that there is a difference between being mean and being honest. So, the only thing left to do is just ignoring her. If someone has another solution, I’m all ears.
Bob says
I had a friend who I know genuinely cared for me deeply but was still very toxic. Essentially he believed that his way of thinking was the only way to think and that whenever he encountered someone who didn’t agree with his views, he would stop at nothing to ‘correct’ them. He liked to start debates and arguments on whatever topics he felt passionately about. We soon realized that those were just traps. We were supposed to nod and agree with everything he said…or else we’d know about it. And whenever he realized he wasn’t going to win an argument he would literally say “F you!” and storm off.
He also thought getting high was the absolute best experience in the world and would never accept that I wouldn’t do it. He’d literally light up joints in the kitchen pretty much saying to me “join in or get out”. Even when I kept saying no he’d sometimes give these speeches and phrases that were obviously him testing the water to see if I was close to giving in yet. Luckily I never had to break it off – he moved countries. Bullet dodged
Dominika says
Marian,
I kind of see a lot of your friend in mine. Except the fits of rage weren’t so big, he would just get mean and try to stick it to me for any small thing. But what you’re writing about is more than the experience I’ve had with my friend, because if someone said that to me about a tumor in my father’s body, I don’t think I’d ever talk to them again…That is serious business and not something that you can dismiss so easily, and if you do, you can’t call yourself a friend. That’s what I think.
If she doesn’t understand conversation, I think ignoring her is really the best way, although I wouldn’t be surprised if she came to where you live demanding explanation. Or consolation about her new boyfriend. What do you do then, I’ve no idea… The next time you meet her, I think you should just tell her ‘you’re a toxic person, I’m very sorry it ends like this, but I can’t handle it anymore. I have my own life to worry about, and I’m all for being supportive to you, but not at a cost of pushing my problems into the background and thanking you for it.’
I don’t know. I think I still lack the maturity when it comes to relations 🙁 Even though I really try.
Marian says
Another thing that may help you to get over a toxic friendship is to tell your situation to your non-toxic friends. They will offer you the best support you need to stay strong and not give in to the toxic one.
Jill says
I have this friend who became my friend through my other friends. Yes she’s nice but I feel like I’m only contacted by her when she wants to join my plans with my other friends. She doesn’t really invite me places that often and recently screwed me out of money. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I get rid of people too much instead of forgiving. I don’t know if she’s really a friend or not. What do I do?
Lizi says
Toxic people like to charm you into their worlds; before you know it you’ve been poisoned by their toxicity and they’ve started projecting their mayhem onto you. About 1 1/2 years ago I had two so-called-friends whom I truly cared for, at one point at least, who separately were pouring their toxic cocktail on me. I made the mistake of introducing these two, which resulted in a toxic duo drama cocktail like I’d never seen in my life. Nuclear Combo Pack of all 10 characteristics.
One thing I’ve learned is that if I start to feel like things are not making sense, quickly distance myself and assess the situation. In the case of the Toxic Twins, when I told one party that I was stepping back to assess some things, as I felt something was amiss, he got so angry that he forbid the friend that I had introduced him to to interact with me (which she gleefully did because she could get more mileage & notoriety out of using him, than she could get from me… toxic?!). Well, that gave me clarity immediately, and subsequently all dots started connecting. Peaceful existence eventually returned once these two players were no longer in my life; I had realized that all of the chaos was due to THEIR projections… it truly wasn’t me!
Make a declaration to stand up for your own self worth, keep the above list handy and honor yourself enough to permit ‘assessing the situation’ if you see these characteristics starting to pile up. If someone is truly non-toxic your kindly stepping back won’t be a problem, but if they are toxic or narcissists, then wish them well and let them go.
What I’ve also noticed, though, is that people – like the Toxic Twins – are only surrounded by people that ‘have to be there’ (employees, people who fear them, or mother/fathers of their children) and not by people who choose to be there… which is a big red toxic flag as well.
Sabrinna says
I recently ended a 24 year toxic friendship. My ‘friend’ treated me like I was invisible bar 2 listening ears. The last 6 years I was living overseas. We would internet chat. Or more to the point she would furiously type away and often completely ignore anything I typed. Every aspect of her life was drama and it was the only topic of conversation. When I moved home again it was to a different city, not my hometown. She drove in to see me (which could have been a lovely gesture). However, she expected me to pay for petrol ( no advance warning), turned up with only $3 to her name, so I had to pay for coffee and dinner, asked for a tarot reading before even asking ‘how are you?’, then went on about herself all afternoon and well into the evening. This behaviour continued along with some very confrontational jarring comments. I ended it pretty promptly because it was incredibly draining.
I know very, very few people in this city and I am lonely but I wouldnt change my decision for anything.
Good says
The great question…
What about family members?
For me, I’ve decided not stop answering phone calls, etc. Negative people is so demanding ….
Jessica says
This is such an appropriate article for what I’m dealing with right now. I became great friends with my coworker shortly after she started working there. Things were “great” and I didn’t notice any of the toxic tendencies because I was constantly with her, adhering to her every wish and demand. We would spend a lot of time together, going to the bar after work, going out to eat almost everyday among other things. I came to the point where I realized that I wanted to change and wanted to stop spending money, stop going to the bar, and start planning on going back to college to further my degree.
As soon as I started pulling away, I was greeting by what I would considered irrational behavior. She started calling me 20 times in a row, leaving me voicemails, sending me nasty text messages, belittling my attempts to make positive changes, insulting my faith, and ignoring me at work. After months of this behavior I told her exactly how I felt and said that I’m sorry if she was hurt in the process of me trying to get on with my life, but that things would not be the same as they were before. She admitted that her behavior was a little unwarranted and the tension at work became a little less, but after telling her that I wouldn’t be able to work a day that she wanted me to because of prior engagements, she lashed out stating that I never do anything to help her and now has ignored me for the past 5 days which we haven’t worked together.
My dilemma is in deciding if I should keep things purely professional at work or try to mend things to an extent because she will make work a living hell because of her resentment towards me. I realize that this relationship is toxic and I spend more time trying to figure out what to say and do rather than enjoying her company, but at the same time I don’t want to have a hostile work environment in the process.
Any advice on how to keep things strictly professional despite her belligerent behavior?
Lynne says
I found this advice to be really helpful. I’ve always had bad relationships and I can’t seem to hold onto any friends especially good ones. My biggest problem is that I’m VERY afraid of being alone so I tend to cling to the wrong people. I think what I really need to work on is being more social and not allowing myself to get too close to bad negative people and learn when to LET GO! Thank you for the advice.
Susan says
Wow, sometimes I feel like I’m crazy and obsessive about this subject. I feel validated after reading this article! The cutting into their time, negativity and ambition parts??? Right on for me. At the same time, why do I feel like I have to lose healthy boundaries and give them up for people? Sometimes I feel like friends will only be “friends” to you if you have things to offer, like favors, doing things for them. Whatever happened to just being friends without expectations??? It’s exhausting.
Anonymous says
If you’re uncertain of which side of the fence you’re on, here’s the easy way to tell: evaluate your other friendships. Which ones work, which don’t?
I was reflecting on this, when I realized; for two of my most annoying, nerve-wracking, obnoxious friendships… I am that person’s only friend, or one of very few. Why is that? These people are in their 20s, have gone to high school and college, had plenty of time to form new friendships. Yet they have very few friends, and I mean, you can count their friends on one hand.
It’s because they’re toxic people. Not many people can tolerate them. Why is it, when I have numerous friends I can rely on, these few particular friendships eat away at me? How come only these friendships are failing, when my other friendships are flourishing? Think about that– is it you or them?
I’ve finally realized… it’s not me that’s the problem. It’s them. They’re the ones who are self-absorbed, egocentric, and intolerable. They’re the ones who have trouble keeping friends, not me. It’s hard to say goodbye, but when I do, I will have plenty of actually GOOD friends to help me through the “break-up” period. They won’t. One day they will wake up and look around and realize how alone they are. Maybe then they will finally change their selfish, self-centered ways.
Until then, I can no longer be their doormat, a mindless robot who does nothing but cater to them, listen to them, feel bad for them, etc., etc., while they never bother to return the favor.
BB says
My friends and family haven’t been supportive of my life dream. When I’d published my novel last year, which I’d worked on for many years, only one friend, who was only an acquaintance, took an interest. She bought it, read it, and gave me helpful feedback. The others said nothing, not even a congratulations. I’d asked an aunt to help me promote it on Facebook, and she didn’t and never mentioned the novel again or offered any feedback or encouragement. I don’t even know if she read it. I resent these friends and family. I haven’t stayed in touch with them as a result. Unfortunately, their silence hurt so much that I never edited the second book in the series as I’d intended. I keep trying to talk myself into doing so.
Rebecca says
I feel these past couple of months I have been that toxic friend, all because I have been trying to distance myself from a toxic relationship, not knowing how to deal with it. I don’t call this person because she only ever talks about things going wrong in her life, and when I try to steer the conversation to another more positive topic she goes quiet then all of a sudden cuts me off mid sentence to keep talking about herself and her problems. When she calls me, she never says ‘Hi it’s me, how are you?’, she just opens up with an emotional barrage, and while I have tried to be supportive, this constant barrage is very stressful. Her emotional blackmail has made me second guess my decision to want to sever ties with her, or at least restrict contact, hence why I came searching for help in defining toxic relationships.
Thank you for this article, it makes me feel better about my decision, and to the commenter Anonymous (July 30th 2013), you really summed up the relationship I have with this person.
Jinia says
What I don’t like , is how these toxic friends try to manipulate their way back into your life. They say things like “our families have known each other for a long time” or ” we were friends long before you met those other people.’ I noticed how prone toward jealousy they are. If you defend a new friend against their rage etc, they will resent you.
They will also belittle you and make you feel drained. You say one thing they don’t agree with and they call you ‘ wrong’ on all turns.
I feel like I have a one person police state hanging over me, and they are even miles away, but other people know them too. We all feel like we are treated as less than.
I need to say BYE to this person. There is such a ‘superior attitude with this person, that they run right over what other people think, as though we are less. Really frustrating.
Susan says
Great to have these blogs. I have been on the receiving end of so many female friendship issues….I am beginning to wonder if I am the problem? I think so many women are competitive and have to one-up and it is so hard to find genuine people. Why is our society so hung up on looks, money and what happened to compassion, kindness and being accepting? I never imagined life as an adult would be so painful because I reflect on my parents life when they were my age in the 1970’s and they were much more happy and content.
Theresa says
Thanks for this wonderful article. I’ve had a lot of toxic people in my life (relatives and friends) I almost feel conditioned for it. I guess cause I grew up in a family that was toxic. Its a hard road to let go of toxic people especially if you’ve known them 30 + yrs. Articles like this really help keep me on track. Thank you.
Ugh says
Recently I decided I couldn’t have a certain friend in my life. The reason the decision was so hard is because I considered her my best friend for 5 years. #7 is the main biggie in my toxic friendships, I’m always the one to put more effort into the friendship and I think this has caused me to be a worse friend lately, after so much disappointment it’s hard to stay the exact same I was. I miss how much effort I’d put into my friendships.
But my (ex-)best friend doesn’t want to see me or talk to me outside of Sundays (when I’d go to church and we’d see each other every week). I changed churches and have now found the friends I’ve been looking for, I don’t really need that old friendship in my life when I now have people who don’t make me feel like there’s something wrong with me.
Rebecca Antholz says
I am in a toxic relationship right now. I feel like we are two binary stars orbiting around each other. I am trying to figure out, after 24 years, how to end it without a huge scene. I’ve been taking it on the chin for some time now and I’m sick of it. However, I feel trapped. This person has a lot of psychological problems, so I have always tried to help her. Now, I am having problems.. She is literally driving me to the brink. My sons can’t stand her. Her own sister unfriended her on facebook. I am at a loss as to how to stop this. I don’t like to hurt people. She puts me down so often, I can’t figure out why she even wants to be my friend. Does anyone know how to get out of a situation like this without a bloody mess? Moreover, I am starting to be afraid of her.
AW says
Rebecca; I am totally understand how you feel. I know my friend for 3 years and it’s time for me to cut her out but it is very hard. I don’t know how to give you advice… only thing I can say I understand and I’m standing right for myself. Life is too short and we deserve to be happy.