It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. Sometimes luck controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you pursue, and who you let walk back out.
Ultimately, you should surround yourself with people who make you a better person and distance yourself from those who don’t. Here are some general warning signs you’re in the presence of the latter:
1. They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.
It’s obvious, but any relationship without regular interaction and communication is going to have problems, especially when there’s a lack of commitment.
Don’t waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them. You shouldn’t have to force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they truly care about you they will gladly create space for you.
Being in a relationship with someone who overlooks your worth isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity. Never beg someone for attention. Know your self-worth, and move on if you must.
2. They hold your past against you.
Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved past them. They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their negative behavior. Keep moving forward.
Holding on to the unchangeable past is a waste of energy and serves no purpose in creating a better day today. If someone continuously judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to repair your future by leaving them behind.
3. You feel trapped.
Healthy relationships keep the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is flowing and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this kind of unrestricted environment. You can come and go as you please, but you choose to stay because where you are is where you want to be.
If you want to be a part of someone’s life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make you leave. If someone has closed them all in an effort to trap you into something you don’t want to be a part of, it’s time to find the strength to kick down the door. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships and Self-Love chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. They discredit your dreams and abilities.
If you allow others to define your dreams and abilities, then you enable them to hold you back. What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends on what you choose to do with your time and energy.
People will throw all sorts of assumptions your way about what is possible and what is impossible. Look beyond the presumptions and mental limitations of others, and connect with your own best vision of how YOUR life can be. Life is an open-ended journey, and what you achieve comes from what you expect to achieve and what you work to achieve.
So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Keep living your truth. The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
5. They have lied to you more than once.
Love is a verb, not a noun. It is ACTIVE in all relationships. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance between lovers; it is also a behavior among friends and family. If someone lies to you, they are unlovingly disrespecting you and your relationship.
When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unloving to you!
Bottom line: Those who avoid the truth and tell you only what you want to hear do so for their own benefit, not yours. Don’t put up with it. (Read Emotional Vampires.)
6. Their negativity is rubbing off on you.
The negative people in your life don’t just behave negatively towards you, but towards everyone they interact with. What they say and do is a projection of their own reality – their own inner issues. Even if they say something to you that seems personal – even if they insult you directly – it likely has zero to do with you.
This is important to remember because what these negative people say and do shouldn’t be taken to heart. Although you don’t have control over what they say and do; you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say and do these things to you. You alone can deny their venomous words and actions from invading your heart and mind. If you feel like these people are getting to you, take a break and give yourself some space to breathe.
Positive things happen when you distance yourself from negative people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.
7. They are excessively envious of what you have.
A little bit of envy is OK, but when someone is excessively envious of what you have, there’s a good chance what they really want is to take it from you.
Excessive envy doesn’t tell you how much someone admires you, it tells you how much they dislike themselves. If you can, try to help lift them up, but also be careful that they don’t pull you down. Oftentimes no amount of love, or promises, or proof from you will ever be enough to make them feel better about themselves. For the broken pieces they carry, are pieces they must mend for themselves. Happiness, after all, is an inside job.
8. They motivate you to be judgmental or hateful.
Truth be told, no human being is superior. No faith, race, size or shape is inferior. All collective judgments about others are wrong. Only judgmental hypocrites make them.
If you judge others by their skin color, their body size, and their outer beauty, you will miss EVERYTHING about who they really are. It is amazing the quality of people you will learn about and meet in this world if you can simply get past the fact that lots of people are not dressing and living the way you do.
People who motivate you to judge or hate others are as bad as bad company gets. Avoid them at all costs. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
9. They want you to be someone else.
Spend time with people who see you the way you are, and not as they wish to think you are. Spend even more time with those who truly know about you, and who love and respect you anyway.
If someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back. It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by acting like someone you’re not. It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What’s one big warning sign you’re in the presence of bad company? Please leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: Bhumika Bhatia
Braja Patnaik says
How would the world be if we do not judge people as good or bad. There are few people who have different values, priorities and way in life that do not match ours. Categorising them as ‘bad’ people may not be entirely correct. They are the ones who do not suit or go along with us. When in a such a company, I get an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling. I am unable to express myself freely and tend to become introverted. This is the warning sign that I get.
Vincent says
They leave you feeling terrible after your time together. This may seem like an obvious one, but it’s something you don’t realize until you look for it. Are you feeling less happy than you started after spending time with them?
mark cheney says
You feel drained all the time rather than energized after an encounter with someone.
DAdams says
Your “friends” expose you to danger.
Your “friends” encourage you to join illegal activities.
Fast&FuriousDrew says
It is especially tedious and tiring if those negative people are your parents and relatives. Spending too much time with those people – given their roles – is detrimental if left unchecked.
James Strock says
Excellent list. I would second the suggestion from Mark Cheney, above. If you feel energized and inspired after being together, that’s a major plus. If you feel demoralized and exhausted after being together, something’s wrong…
dandl says
People who speak poorly about others behind their back. I strive to see the best in people and it is easy to get sucked in to focusing on the flaws if I’m not careful and cut the conversation short. Besides, if they are speaking badly about others while they are not around, what do you suppose they say about you when you’re not around?
Boitumelo says
When you frequently feel compelled to edit and review what you want to say before saying it. Then, it’s time to loose the editing job and get into the business of being yourself!
Melissa says
Wonderful article!
Jelle says
As soon as a friend starts disengaging, I think you have the first sign of your relationship getting into tough waters. A lot of other problems in the relationship are symptoms of this behaviour.
A good friendship requires engagement. I think as soon as that part is removed, the relationship will suffer.
Polly says
When you are paralysed by thoughts of how someone will react to your actions. We all have things that we know we should do; if you are adjusting that list because you are concerned with how someone else will view your actions, that’s a bad sign.
Jose says
I liked Vincent’s reply; toxic people leave you like that. I’d like to add that these people also love to ask you favors; oops, not ask, demand.
LeeAnne says
Some of these points sound like my family. Nowadays I even avoid going home to check up on them… and guess what, they wouldn’t be bothered to check up on me if I don’t check up on them. In all honesty, it hurts, a lot.
Andrea says
Vincent has got it right. Trust your guts. If being with someone leaves you feeling uncomfortable, listen to that.
Harry says
People who encourage you to work for money more than for interest and challenge.
Mohammed says
This is the best website I have found for understanding life. I very much appreciate the efforts you put into this site, Marc and Angel. YOU ARE THE BEST… KEEP IT UP!!!
Posey says
What do you do as a parent if the person who brings nothing but negativity and drains the life out of you is your 27 year old son? His father and I feel trapped.
Mentally he is not stable and will not seek proper treatment which is always offered to him. I want to breath freely and have some serenity in my life but I feel hopeless to this situation. I love this site and the posts. Thank you shedding light on a dark situation.
P says
This is spot on. Last year I ended a relationship with a woman who presented many of this issues you write about here. At first, I was hurt and it was hard. But, right here, right now, it was the best thing and the most loving thing I could have done for myself. Thanks for spreading positivity and letting people know: You gotta love yourself and be good to yourself. You’re all you’ve got. Cheers!
Patricia says
I know I’m around the wrong people for me when I feel anxious in their company. This can be for many reasons, but I do believe if a person is sarcastic toward you, or someone else in your company, then they are using negative comments to raise false humor. The “I’m only joking” comment dies not discount anything that was said to or about you or anyone else. Sarcasm is a disguise for rudeness.
Eva Chebet says
They criticize you all the time…they only see your flaws..manipulate you.. Don’t just walk away from these kind of people…run away!
Cornelius says
I believe you should spend time with people you feel good with.
The way you feel around them is a clear indication of the degree to which you resonate with each other.
If they are negative and engage in any of the behaviors you mentioned, you feel that something is not right.
And I agree that in such a circumstance, there’s no point in forcing it. We just need to move on.
sanaan says
For a long time now I have realized that it is the best to be alone rather than you have a bad relationship with someone.
NL says
I love this site and always find inspiration here. However, I echo other’s frusterations on what to do about family members who drag you down. I wish there was more advice on how to manage relationships rather than just abandon them.
Jackie Countryman says
I had a 25 year marriage to a man who had all of these and more. I believed “once married always married” and I tried to “fix” myself all of the time. I finally realized that the real me was dead and it was time to walk out of the tomb. I became free in 1993 and have never looked back. I am married to a totally different type of man now and I am glad that I did not judge marriage by my first experience. I am presently working on a book about all of this titled, “Down but NOT Defeated.”
suman says
Awesome writeup and so true…we are many times surrounded by such people…and at time we wisb break those shackles but are unable ….
I love this peice.
Sandra Hamlett says
Thanks for always speaking the truth… I have held on to people who have brought me real pain in my life. It took a crisis for me to realize that the price of loyalty on my part was a lose of self. I have gladly chosen solitude over a crowd of people who bring toxicity into my life.
Marie says
Thank you for this posting. For a long time in my ex relationship I felt I had to be smarter, prettier, thinner, more organized, etc.. I see that this was the symptoms of a bad relationship. It was him but it was also me trying to jump through hoops to please him.
Sandra Hamlett says
And to add to the list- I would say look at how you’re feeling after being around certain people. If you feel “bad” then you do not need them in your life. Recently, I worked up the courage to speak frankly to someone I considered a real friend. I’d been frustrated with her behavior towards me and I was struggling with how terrible I felt after talking to her. She asked me what I needed from her as I broached the subject. I told her I needed her to be supportive and non-judgmental as I go through an experience she is uncomfortable with. What I received was silence and it has been more than a month since I have heard from her and I feel so much better. Instead of sadness, I feel blessed to have learned this lesson.
Amandah says
Great list!
Dr. Phil uses the term BAITER: backstabber, abuser, imposter, taker, exploiter, and reckless. His book, “Life Code” is a must read. I haven’t been able to put the book down. Your mom, dad, son, daughter, friend, co-worker, etc. could be a BAITER. Have the courage to walk away, or somehow transform the relationship. But remember that you can’t force a person to change. You can send them love and light and picture them as being transformed, but it may not happen overnight.
@Posey… I’m sorry to hear about your 27 year old son. If your son won’t seek counseling, maybe you and your husband could seek counseling, if you haven’t already done so, to help you cope with your son.
If your son sees that you and your husband are in counseling, maybe he’ll come around to the idea of it. Then again, maybe not. You can’t force a person to do something they don’t want to do.
Parents want to help their children no matter what; however, you could be an enabler. I know this is hard for some parents to read/hear, but it’s the truth. An adult child is an adult and could take responsibility for their life. It may suck to do this, but it will be worth it.
Allison says
I agree entirely with this article. Now, where do we find these kind, positive, encouraging friends? I find myself alone because the people around me are not the people you would want as friends. They drain the life right out of me.
pam says
My so-bf broke with me a couple days ago. He said I was being argumentatives all because I’ve noticed in his behavior was changing. For the last month, he’s been coming late. When I asked he said he’s busy.I know his schedules. Thru out our dating, he was always hiding his phone from me. I just let that go. He never tell me what part of town he’s at. 8 months, we dated and I never met his friends. Later, he told I was good enough to meet them. I let that go too. Then towards end he told we don’t get along, we should be friends, the morning he left, he was in a rush to get out. Then Saturday, he called to said to never contact him again. He accused me doing things on Facebook. I told him I was with my mother but he hung up on me. I’m just angry that he would do that to me. I called his cell about this belongings but he changed his number. How could someone be so cruel?
Ashley says
I used to have a friend EXACTLY like this who I recently severed ties with. I have never felt better in my life! Never let someone’s own negativity and insecurities bring you down and make you feel less than you are.
Hazel says
I think that it’s inevitable to bump into negative people and sometimes we have to live or work with them on a daily basis. So, I agree with the nine points above but I would add that this is when our positiveness and all of those self-growing courses, readings, lectures, meditations and everything we do to be “better” persons, come to play. Compassion for ourselves is important as it is also important to be compassionate with those who do not think or act like us. Otherwise, and without warning, I can become a “negative” person, by trying to figure them out. Cheers!
Thanks Marc and Angel, reading your blog is definitely part of my daily routine! and precisely because I ran into negative people everyday and everywhere…it keeps me focused.
NANCY says
People who make you feel solely responsible for their social life, their entertainment, their emotional health, and are just generally needy…
It’s too much pressure and you begin to resent the guilt feelings they inspire if you don’t fulfill their need for a “you-fix”. Very hard to disengage, for fear of hurting, but mostly because they would act totally taken aback by the news that they’re energy sucking!!!
V Dub says
Wow…how do these blog posts seem to come at the most appropriate times in my life? I am currently going through this with my “best” friend. After years of a strained relationship, I finally was honest with her about my feelings with how she always put me last in her priority list. Her response to me was denial and she even went as far as to tell me how I should feel. I had to love and respect myself enough to take a step back from that “relationship” (or what was left of it) and I am now looking for new opportunities for friendships that mirror the person I am and can give and take the love I am so willing to share.
Thanks, Marc and Angel for this awesome post. Sometimes we all need affirmation that we are on the right track…the road to peace and self-love can sometimes be a lonely one.
Diana says
This is one of the best posts you have written. Thanks!
James says
When they judge you for the old car you drive or your old house and encourage you to keep up with them by living out of your means. True friends don’t care what you drive or where you live.
vernette says
#2 is all about me and I’m learning how to let go of the past and forgive myself first and then let go of the people and things that hurt me.
Thanks for this today. So needed.
DW says
Reaching out to educate readers who suffer extreme cases of 1,2,3,4,5,6,& 9 above, extreme examples of Vincent’s words:
Between scrutinizing management of your every move – that they claim is an expression of their love and concern – and unpredictable outbursts of violence or threats, these people erode your autonomy and leave you in fear.
Beware of these ruthless and obsessive controllers and get away as fast and as far as you can.
Quickly breach this private terrorizing and attach to a friend, popular or public figure; enroll in a higher ed school or seminar; develop immediate “outside” connections to the greater community. Since these people who crave control over another person are very careful to avoid being found out, if they find that you have escaped psychological dependence on them, they will lose their grip on you. Then leave.
Karla McEvoy says
I’d add to pay attention if you tend to frequently catch colds or have other negative physical symptoms after spending time with someone. This can be another clue that you are spending time with someone who drains you.
Josefina says
Great Post.
And the comments were VERY helpful too.
Thank you!
PAM says
A friend who I don’t see much anymore shared your website and what a blessing it has been. Just so many wonderful life lessons here….Think I may need that friend back in my life more.
Ann says
Co-dependency, because they can’t handle life on their own or they are too lazy to take care of themself. Coupled with many of those listed above, it drives the one taking care to no longer care. It’s time for a change and I’m moving to make that change. It will be rough at first because children are involved but the changes to an even more positive life will be well worth it.
Eve says
Thank you for this post. It gives me new encouragement to break out of an old mindset.
Shella says
P- Thank you for sharing your post-relationship comments and experience that it’s the “most loving thing I could have done for myself.” In an effort to love others and receive love from others, often times people forget to love themselves. Thanks for the reminder – so true.
Confirmation... says
No. 1 hit the nail on the head for me. It’s not that I didn’t already know this, but I just needed to hear or read it from someone else. This is where I’m at right now, and it hurts beyond words. I am so lonely right now….but I’m moving on.
Kim says
If someone feels more like a force field than a person, I’ve learned to go in the other direction. Staying near the negativity that emanates from folks like this leaves me feeling “slimed”. I will be passing this article along. Thanks!
Mike Mada says
Great, scary post for me. I’m scared of what I need to do and yet, I have such a sense of responsibility that I can’t move, or even breathe. This list tells me what I knew. Thanks.
Mike
Colin says
Great and thought provoking article.
People who are only interested in themselves, don’t ask you a thing and really need you to affirm their greatness. Show offs, snobs and know it alls.
If you feel comfortable with a person, then those people are right for you and I am so blessed that there are plenty of them around.
Kathy says
Hey Posey, sounds like we’re living with the same man-boy demons. My 26 year-old fills my air space will LOTS of negativities, reminding me of things I haven’t accomplished or am “unable” to accomplish (because I’m trying to keep him stable…). But his anger is b/c of what he has been unable to accomplish because he is quite mentally unstable. Because I suspect bipolar, I’m joining a NAMI support group tonight, may I suggest you & your husband might do the same. I’m sure I’ll learn something & gain some much needed strength from a roomful of other parents living with the same demons. Maybe I’ll see you there!