When I was younger I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people. Sometimes I simply couldn’t understand what others saw in me. I was very insecure.
I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity. In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did. Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behavior to myself. But after awhile, as I grew emotionally, I began to realize that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term relationships.
So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships?
You need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals. If someone really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response. However, if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…
1. Stop trying to read minds.
Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.
If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation. Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.
It’s also important to remember that you aren’t suppose to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you. When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts. Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space. (Read Getting the Love You Want.)
2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.
You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect. Even worse, the process of doing so will drive you mad, as you feel more and more insecure with every failed relationship that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection.
We’re all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavors of imperfect ones. That’s because we are all imperfect in some way. You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways.
It takes a lot of life experience to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for imperfect people who balance you out – the perfectly imperfect people for you. (Angel and I discuss this process in detail in the Relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.
Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly. Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.
If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ. This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.
4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.
Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios. We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth.
When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit. If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.
What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship. There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction. These ups and downs are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver.
Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
5. Stop focusing on the negatives.
There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you. But it does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you don’t have to jump to the bold conclusion that the entire relationship is bad, and become so distressed that the relationship ends, or so insecure that the other person questions your intentions.
No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble. There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is.
Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.
The floor is yours…
What relationship issues do you struggle with? When it comes to your relationships, what makes you feel insecure? Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Martin Gommel
Hi Marc and Angel. Thank you once again for another truly wonderful article. I discovered your site by accident about a year ago (exactly when I most needed it – I was exactly the type of person that your article describes, and worse!) and since then I can honestly say your site has helped change my life in so many positive ways. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You look like such a lovely couple. Your beauty just radiates from you both and it amazes me how you share that with the world! The world is all the more wondrous and precious for people like you.
ABDUL N says
There has never been an article that has spoken to me so detailed & clearly relevant to the current time and situation. Thank you for this.
“Having fear is not the problem.
Getting rid of fear is not the solution.”
-The love based leader
Thank you for writing this post, sometimes we get bogged down in the details of life, it’s hard to look at what we’ve been given and not take everything for granted.
I have read so many of your posts, so many that are relevant, meaningful and have enhanced my life but this one nearly blew the top of my head off! I now realize…at more than halfway through my life, that I have intense insecurity in my relationships..of every type and sort. Thank you for the enlightenment & awareness. It will take some time & some hard work but “When you know better, you do better.”
I have a problem. My girlfriend had a boyfriend before me. He keeps calling her and one of the five times, she obliges him by going out to him but not for anything more than a cup of coffee. She even celebrated her birthday with him and celebrated with me the next day. She keeps telling me that she is just being casual with him but my mind keeps saying against it. She keeps stating how much she loves me and keeps showing it to me also but I really can’t believe her. I’m being genuinely concerned or just being insecure?
I really connected with point #2. Wonderful post.
This is a very good article. I was inches away from being married, so we had a commitment to one another that was real. The way I was treated when my relationship was ending was just as bad as if I were cheated on. I also consider everything here on as cheating because he just made the decision to leave me out of nowhere, without trying to talk it out with me when he did it, leaving it impossible for me to mentally accept at first. I was mistreated, therefore we could never even be “friends” anymore… because a friend does not mistreat another friend. After time passed, I realized that he simply rejected me, plain and simple.
I’m in a new relationship with a guy I’m simply wild about. He goes on business trips often and isn’t really available to me while hes gone. Sometimes he calls, but he at least text every day. This past week he went on a trip after we had an issue at his house. I wont tell what that is.. but it was his fault and he admits and has apologized.
Well. i was insecure after what he did last week.. so the week of almost pure silence from him was like being punched in the stomach. I made myself believe he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
My first serious relationship was with a man who was 21 years older than me. He pretty much took advantage of me and I didn’t know any better. When I did something to make him mad he would ignore me. Sometimes for days at a time. He would yell at me at the top of his lungs and then cut off all communication with me for 3-9 days. He later admitted to me that he wanted to “punish” me…that he was “teaching me a lesson” “training me” …
Now I panic with my new boyfriend if he doesn’t talk to me every single day or answer my text asap.
It’s such a natural reaction to freak out. I don’t even think about it. My body just reacts.
Well I got so upset that now he (My current boyfriend) is upset with me. Now he isn’t answering for real. I don’t know if my fear that he will end the relationship is real or if it’s my last relationship coming into play.
I can already tell that if he talks to me again I will be the ideal girlfriend. Perfect. Like I was in my last relationship until I messed up and was “taught a lesson” for several days.
I don’t know what to do… I think I’m slightly traumatized.
Do I tell the current boyfriend about my past?
Paulette Alvarez says
When I was younger I was insecure and now I have problems regaining my faith. I really love this. I believe this also helps me focus on a stronger relationship with God.
This is a great article. It’s all in my head and I actually already know that. I’ve been dating someone for five months and I did something he didn’t like. I know what, I understand why, he’s not wrong. I was feeling very insecure. This post really helped me. I was feeling so crappy because I wanted to run away and dump him and move on because I want to do whatever I want but if I did that I would miss him. I would do it because I am scared of him dumping me.
This is exactly what happened in my last relationship. If only I had read this beforehand. Maybe I should have helped him a bit more than I did. Thank you for this wonderful insight.
Thank you for a wonderfully insightful post. I will be printing this off and reading it often. I suffer from extreme insecurity about my self-worth and self-image. I was in a mentally abusive relationship with an older man who was totally disrespectful to me…oh, he was a wonderful supporter financially…he “took care of me”. But he had a lot of issues (a true narcissist) and had inappropriate interactions with other women. Finally my eyes were opened and I left him for another man who is now my husband and he’s truly sweet, and caring, and does his best to help me overcome my insecurities. I know it can be draining for him at times. I cause issues in our relationship because of many of the points you make in your post. I want to change & I’m happy to have this now to re-read and will use it to try to modify/correct my behavior & thinking. Thanks again for such great words of wisdom!!!
This piece is perfect, the 5 elements relates to me. I might lose my love tonight, but because of my insecurities which lead to our arguments. I’m going to fight for her like its the end of the world.
After reading the threads, it gives me a feeling I’m not alone…. The problem with me is, I’m trying to compare his past relationships and me….which never happened in our two and half year relationship, though we are married and have a baby. Is it simply insecurity because I’m currently unemployed? Perhaps…
I m feeling the same in my relationship. I feel unappreciated and not good enough by my mother – in – law all the time. And worst part is my husband feels I’m complaining about his mother but the reality is all I’m trying to tell him is I just need some help to feel better about myself.
Great tips. Now, time to apply them.
Thank you so much for writing this. I now know that its not just me that can feel this way but that others do too. To be insecure in a relationship with the best person you could ask for is incredibly hard…There is no reason and it has all come from things that I’ve created in my head.
Thank you again xx
Ellen Smith says
I am so lost right now. I am married to the man of my dreams. We’ve been together for 5 yrs and married for 3.5 and he is amazing. Loyal, honest, trustworthy, adoring. I was married to a very abusive man for 15 yrs before leaving him and finding my DH. We’ve been blissfully happy….very best friends. Eight months ago he was laid off, and we were blessed that he found a job right away….it even paid better. But, ever since taking this job he works longer days, commutes and even travels about 3x/yr for 4 days at a time, and I have turned into a crazy, mistrusting, jealous wife…..for NO reason. He loves me dearly but won’t tolerate it, and he’s right! I keep reading and reading on how to change, but every time I think I’m fine something sets me up. I am desperately worried that I will lose him if I can’t change my ways! Help!!
Aw this is a brilliant article and so helpful, I thought I was going crazy until I read this. Insecurity really is a game we are playing with ourselves. I read this now everytime I feel I am drifting back into the oblivion… hope someday I won’t have to keep reading it tho 🙂 Thank you.
I am no expert, but your story seems a bit similar to mine and the way I think. I get a little uneasy when my partner is away from me too, even though I know he is loyal and the most trustworthy. This sounds to me like it may be an issue of the subconscious mind. Have you tried meditating to try to change the way your subconscious mind thinks? I know youtube can provide you with some videos… just select ones you might like and try it out. youtube.com/watch?v=lRVoTKJmjN0 – here is one for example. Believe in yourself and you can do it 🙂
Joanne Barrera says
Hey. Your article was great but…what if I’m feeling insecure over his sexual past? My fiancé went through a phase and slept around and even had a threesome. I’m so afraid I’m not what he wants physically. He’s even told me I’m not even close to his “type.” I’m just terrified I’ll just be another number on the list. Probably not even a good one :/ I hate being so insecure, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I love my wife to the core. However, I couldn’t bear the thought of she talking to some other guy little closely.
If I think straight and in one way, I am lucky because I know in my head that my wife is very loyal person. Even then I am having anxiety attacks because she recently started talking to a guy who is a dancer, musician, photographer and good hard working co-worker.
I am not a good dancer, not that interested in music or photography. I love sports and watch sports but my wife interests do not match with mine.
I am insecure because my wife’s interests match exactly with her friends. (music, dance & photography)
I am not at all suspicious of her but I am scared to death that I will loose her. I assume the worst and unable to deal with this. My wife has many good friends who are boys but I never felt like this before.
With this fear, I am surrendering myself to her, becoming weak, and sometimes fight with her. My crazy behavior I think is driving her away. I cant help to control it.
I dont want to take meds because I am young and I want to fight my insecurities but unable to do so.
This post really struck home for my relationship, especially the driver – passenger analogy. Thanks.
Hello, I am 18 years of age and I am finding things very difficult in my relationship. We went out for over a year and a half & then we broke up and now wet back together again but the thing is in our last relationship I always wanted to be in control, I’ve always felt like I’ve never been good enough. Before we got back together he said he basically wants us to be more casual and he wants me to give him more space and its like there isn’t anything that bounds us together, we’re not as strong and well I’m struggling a lot and I have no idea what to do 🙁 thank you so much for this post but I feel like it will take some getting used to.
I’ve been dreaming about my bf’s ex. We’ve come to visit his family and I know that she isn’t far from where we are, I despise her and I know i need to get over it but she is in my dreams (or nightmares) and i can’t figure out whether it’s my insecurities torturing me or does it mean something?
I recently became divorced from my first real love and entered this relationship soon after. I need help, I know this relationship is a truly deep and fulfilling one but I know I am causing destruction.
It’s eating me up and creating an emotional upheaval in my mind. Not what you want for your once a year vacation. I also feel as if he doesn’t really care if I’m around or not. What to do??.
Farida Susanty says
Thank you for the wonderful post. After I read it, I straightly bookmarked it, so I can keep on reading it time and time again when I get into a new relationship. I just recently broke up with someone, and it has really brought me down. I feel like my insecurity is the key problem why it ended. He has told me that I didn’t appreciate him enough and always focused on the negative. But I felt like I couldn’t help it because things he did like asking for space, and the vibe that he was overwhelmed by me drove me even more insecure. I’m trying to tackle this before I get into other relationship. Stop reading mind, stop inventing problems, and start appreciating are definitely on the top of my to-do list. I really feel guilty for what happens in the past, I wish I could handle it better, I wish I could treat him better as he had his own insecurities as well, but it’s gone. I want to try, and keep trying to make it right, but I can’t fix it. Maybe it’s for my future relationship… I hope.
This article described everything I was feeling. After I was done reading this article it made me realize how blessed I am to have my boyfriend. He is a great guy I was just so insecure to notice it. Thank you so much!
I’ve thought for a while, up until now, that I was through with insecurity. I convinced myself that I could never be anymore self-assured than I already am…That is, until I entered a relationship. It was a confidence boost, and still is sometimes. However, now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself constantly in fear that I’m going to do something to make him want to leave me. I’m just so accustomed to being left or just as bad, being valued for things that aren’t at the core of who I am. Then, I’m confronted by the fact of how stupid it is to think that way and how much he really does love me. Consequently, I end up feeling insecure over him noticing my insecurity.
It’s gotten to where it has turned into a cycle and I have to figure out a a way to stop it. I’m sure it probably leads him to the idea that I don’t believe him when he says that he loves me. I do believe him, I just have a hard time feeling like I’m worth loving. I tend to believe I’ve just done a good job convincing him for now (I haven’t changed the way I act or who I am or anything like that), but that someday he’ll see the real me and wish he never told me that he loves me. This is a problem of my invention, I’m sure. It’s just one thing to know something in knowledge, and another to be completely assured. I just want to stop. I want to believe that I’m worth it.
I am at my wits end, my partner of 10 months is so insecure and accuses me of cheating all the time. I can say with hand on heart I have never cheated on him or anyone else in my life. He says his previous partner cheated on him and that is why he is like he is, but I have showed no signs of cheating. He even accuses me of cheating with my female friends that I have known for years and now hardly speak to because when I do I am sleeping with them, according to him, even though he fantasizes during sex about my female friends joining in or catching me with a stranger, which will never happen. He has even started clocking the mileage on the car to see if i am going anywhere else after I have taken him to work, i normally come straight home and do cleaning etc and don’t leave the house again till i have to fetch him. He has even made me delete Facebook so i cant talk to people on there. I only had a handful of friends but now I am lucky to have just a coupe that still talk to me.
He says his past girlfriend did the same to him but was that all in his head too and did he self destruct that relationship too? He did tell me his parents cheated on each other and this had a big effect on him growing up and this is where I think his problems started but I don’t know how to help him and save our relationship. I have told him i can’t take it much longer because every time he accuses me he kills a bit of me and my love for him. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart but can’t go on like this.
I need your help and advice before my relationship in completely ruined.
Please someone help.
Thank you for this article! I have been with my partner for 7 years and love him dearly. I have my own insecurities and issues that I need to get through myself that I believe stem from a bad relationship and bullying throughout my teens. This has really given me something to think about – before it’s too late and he walks away.
Marc Chernoff says
@L: It’s him, not you. The best you can do is focus on being present. Do not attach yourself to his behavior. Do not resent him either; just carry on with presence and love… with or without him.
Please do yourself a favor and read this book: Codependent No More
Reading this article has lifted a great deal of pressure off my chest. It has been five years since I’ve been in a relationship and now I am with this wonderful guy right now. Things were very sweet in the beginning like normal, the cute talks and texting. Then it slowed down…at this point my insecurities kicked in that I think is derived from my father. How he would always be there and then just disappear. It kicked in and I just wanted to talk to him every minute of every day even though I know it’s not possible. I left a stupid messages that made me sound desperate, and when I think about it now I don’t see how he didn’t just brake up with me right there. I talked to my friend right after I made the phone call and pointed out my insecurity. Awhile later my boyfriend called and asked what was up with the voicemail, I told him some of the issues and he was OK with it I guess. Nothing much has changed, I’ll be seeing him tomorrow and explain a little more. I just hope he understands and we can work this out.
Thank you so much for this article, it has helped me look at myself and see what I need to work on.
I don’t know why need to read minds with my girlfriend. I don’t know who to blame. I guess i should know how to follow tip number 1, 4 and 5. 😐
Why hasn’t she called? Why doesn’t she say the things I want to hear exactly how I want her to say them? Do I matter to her? These are the thoughts that plague me daily. Recently divorced, 46, wondering what I have to offer and though I have found a good partner I fear I will sabotage it with my insecurity. Vanessa’s post above sounded too familiar. Many of them do. I hope everyone reads the 75 Relationship Quotes ( https://www.marcandangel.com/2012/08/17/75-relationship-quotes-to-live-by/ ) from this blog. I copied a bunch of them and read them daily to get me off the ledge!
I married my high school sweetheart and that’s not always common. I’ve struggled with constant negativity around me about how my relationship won’t survive because we were so young and we haven’t experienced anything with anyone else. We have been married 8yrs this year and together 10. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met and he teaches me how to love. Everyday. We’ve definitely had our growing pains but any advice on how to not feel insecure because I’m “not doing what everyone else my age is doing?” I tend to make myself unhappy with the feeling of missing out due to constant shock that I’ve only been with one man, unlike everyone else I know.
I’ve managed to walk out of the relationship where he treated me like nothing. I accepted another guy who is awesome, loving and caring. He has this positive energy with him. In this 10 months of our relationship I now realize I am often the one to blame when quarrel occurs. All my previous relationships made me so insecure… I find it hard to trust in a relationship. He have been doing everything to make sure I feel secure in this relationship, but my heart keeps on telling me that he will eventually leave me one day. He’s about to go to other country with the Army and I heard that they could go to bars and things like that. When I first heard that, the thought of him getting drunk and have another woman in the bed just kept appearing in my mind. I’m tired of being insecure, but I dunno what to do and it’s actually spoiling our relationship. Hope to receive some replies…
Loved the article. Makes sense.
Insecurity becomes a part of my relationship when my guy starts giving more preference to his “guy time”, which kind off annoys me. Although he makes sure he meets me too, but it makes me feel like there was a possibility of spending more time if he had not been with his “guys”.
Not sure if its the lack of confidence/self-esteem issues, or insecurity or I just fail to understand men.
Dear Anonymous (Jan 21st),
I’m in a similar situation.
For me it’s a new relationship with someone I think is wonderful, both inside and out. Like you (though different genders), she enjoys spending time with the girls and I get the wanting to go out with the girls. It’s when going out with the girls turns into a group of friends, girls and guys, that makes me feel left out, unwanted or like she doesn’t want to be seen with me.
She does make time for me, but it would make me feel better if we had a night out together, with or without her friends.
Since it’s a fairly new relationship I’m truly afraid to ask how she feels or share with her how I feel.
Any insight, from anyone, is much appreciated.
Thank you. This article helped me a lot.
You can’t really love someone else until you love yourself.
I’m trying very hard to stop my insecurities. My past relationship messed me up. I found new love and I’m being insecure. I don’t want to lose my baby. What do I do?
I have dealt with insecurities for a very long time. I’ve realized that my insecurities are a major cost of why my relationships ended,previously before the one I’m in now. I want to take control of myself and these thoughts that is ruining me. My fiancé went away to college and I feel now is the best time to tackle my insecurities and build my self-confidence up, so I won’t continue to feel like she’s doing things behind my back. And to know that things are alright or at least will be.
Stumbled across this after someone recommended reading it. Numerous points hit home. ‘Stop inventing problems that don’t exist’ goes hand in hand with ‘Stop focusing on the negatives’. It’s particularly destructive when you let yourself believe those problems that you ‘invent’. Recognize that thoughts are…just that . They’re not reality. Don’t let fear and anxiety over the unknown rule the day. Once you recognize those insecure ‘worst case scenario’ thoughts, acknowledge and accept them. We all have them. I started replacing each of them with positive, constructive thought and boy what a difference it’s making in my life. It’s quite liberating. Point being, we don’t really have a choice about which thoughts pop up but we do have the choice to turn them around enabling a constructive rather destructive outcome. Make it happen.
I don’t know how to feel about the situation I am in. Last year I got out of a 10 year, very straining relationship. I loved him dearly but he lost his ambition and drive to better himself, and I tried the best I could to help him. It resulted in me dragging myself down and forgetting what is right for me. Six months later I met the guy that I am with now, and he was a breath of fresh air. He is everything that I have ever wanted, outgoing, fun, carefree, had great confidence, a true gentleman. Three months of what it felt like a perfect time went by then he changed for the worst and we started fighting. He drank every day and I just wanted him to slow down. We got through it and we were working on bettering ourselves and being productive and positive.
I have only been with three guys before, he on the other hand was very promiscuous and had many, many relationships. He still talks to his ex’s too which is really uncomfortable for me, because they are all still in love with him. One of his ex’s just won’t back off, sending nasty photos and saying things like you know you want me back. It really bothers me. We talked about it he said he would stop talking to her, and I believed him but now 9 months down the line he is still talking to her and lying to me about it. He said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings so he didn’t tell me. I can accept the truth but I don’t want to find out the way I did. I was up late one night studying and he was asleep next to me with his phone right there. It just so happened I see a message from her when I glanced down, and he has an iPhone so it just comes on the screen. Well ever since then I can’t stop looking at his phone, and I feel like crap for doing it.
We have these off and on months where things are great then I find out he lied about something stupid and we get into huge fights. He tried to turn it around on me saying I’m the bad guy but I just want him to stop talking to her and lying to me about it. I’m not perfect either I know I have problems with my ex of ten years but I am always honest with him about situations. What should I do? I see it in his eyes that he loves me, and I do him. I just get in my head and can’t understand why he continues to hurt me like that.
I’ve been in a relationship for a year now. I feel embarrassed that I have to research online about being insecure and how to overcome it because I believe it is possible. My mate is the same way, we are both insecure about each other. I hate the feeling, it really disgusts me. We know we love each other and we don’t have anything between us that would keep us together besides really loving each other and sharing a future together. Reading the story above made me feel like we are not alone. I had a terrible childhood and was told I was worthless and would never be anything. I have no relationship with my mother or father. I often wonder if I’m letting my pain enter my relationship. I know him and I have both been betrayed in the past with other relationships. I was married before and I was cheated on while pregnant and I’m scared to death for it to happen again. We do not share children together but he is good to mine and we are great together but we constantly go to war over being insecure. Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.
I’m sabotaging my relationship right now, making up problems and getting myself worked up, thinking I have to break up and then also thinking I’m making everything bad. Every time I fall in love I also get really scared and lose self confidence. I’m working on just letting things be.
Related to #2, also- the things we don’t like or want to accept about others are often things we don’t like about ourselves being reflected back to us. When I first heard that theory it was a big wake up call. I realize now its usually very true and not only does it help me see myself better but it’s easier to be more accepting and compassionate towards others instead of judging their flaws. Great article! Thanks M&A 🙂
Remember, the past is non-exsistent compared to the present, and time is measured out by the memories which are percieved thru the beholder’s filters; so holding onto labels and a false sense of identity thru our experiences and the way we’ve always done things only allows us to insanely repeat the same patterns.
Marc and Angel, this post helped me realize my flaws in being insecure. I’m insecure about my girlfriend male friends. Because she tells me that they were friends before she met me and that’s all fine, but when I notice her attitude stated to change, i felt like things were starting to take a turn for the worst. So I looked thru her phone and send some messages. And that saying, “if you go looking for it, you’ll find it” proved me right. I seen some messages that looked like they were flirting with each other. And looking at the time frame, she’s texting things to this make friend that I don’t even get anymore. Like telling him “hope you have a good day at work” and good morning greetings to this guy. And its day and nite. Even when I’m at work and need her to talk to me sometimes, she’s texting her male friend. I know because I seen the time frames in her messages. I really just got curious and wanted to find out what’s going on. My girlfriend tells me that there’s nothing going on, and I have nothing to worry about. I trust her, I really do. But when she started acting different, that made me think of the worst. I told her what I thought of it and she couldn’t justify it. What do you think I should do? She keeps telling me that nothing is going on but my insecurities are getting the best of me right now. Please help.
Hi. Thank you for the wonderful article. In my current relationship, my boyfriend has been wonderful and so caring in so many ways. We’ve been dating two months and suddenly I think I am seeing a change. He isn’t calling me as much, not saying some of the things he used to, etc. He made an extraordinary deal of my birthday and made it the most special Id ever had. Now with the change in his behavior, I’ve began to contradict what we have and what might have changed. Almost bringing my ex husbands faults into play. I’ve watched myself do this in the past and ruin great things. I want to do everything I can to avoid doing that. I need to just be honest with him and tell him something is lacking and that’s why I am feeling this way. Or ask him straight forward, has something changed? Or are you just more comfortable with me now and don’t feel the need to do all those things anymore? If I don’t get this out, it will end up being even worse later. Any thoughts you guys?