“The past has no power over the present moment.”
— Eckhart Tolle
There is great value in every act of forgiveness. You can forgive yourself, you can forgive others, and you can forgive even when you don’t know exactly who to forgive, because forgiveness is not about who is to blame or who is at fault. It is about letting go, completely and permanently within yourself.
Forgiveness is recognizing the reality that what has happened has already happened, and that there’s no point in allowing it to dominate the rest of your life. Forgiveness refreshingly cleans the slate and enables you to step forward. Here are five unique ways to make this step possible:
1. Stop trying for a while.
If you’re trying hard and haplessly making zero progress, stop trying. Stop trying and start being.
When you see yourself as trying – to do something else or get somewhere else – you don’t interpret what you have and where you are as being good enough. This perception of constantly trying makes living seem like an endless struggle.
There is great value within you right here, right now. Allow it to come out, willingly and without a struggle. Instead of trying to get to some other point in your life, give your full attention to doing your very best with the life you are living now. Instead of believing that you are not there yet, be grateful that you are right where you are meant to be at this moment.
Yes, by all means set goals and take steps in the right direction, but don’t disregard the steps as you take them – these steps are your life’s story. Let go of all the needless trying and let yourself take these steps peacefully and mindfully. Let go of the judgments, forgive the past, and let this moment be as incredible as it is. (This is something Angel and I discuss in the Adversity and Happiness chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
2. Be the watcher of your thoughts and emotions.
In his best selling book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle tells us to be the watcher of our thoughts. What he suggests is that instead of trying to change our thoughts – via gratitude or deliberate forgiveness, for example – we need to simply notice our thoughts without getting caught up in them.
You are ultimately the sole creator of your own feelings. When negative thoughts arise based on past experiences or future worries, as they sometimes will, realize that these are simply issues your mind (not you) is working through. Pause, be present and pay close attention. Think about these thoughts and emotions consciously, almost as if you were a bystander looking in. Separate yourself from your mind’s thinking.
Perhaps after you study your thoughts and emotions you will think to yourself, “Wow, am I really still working through that?” And guess what? Over time, your negative feelings and emotions will lessen and genuine awareness, love and acceptance will grow in their place. You will begin to realize that your mind is just an instrument, and you are in control of your mind, not the other way around.
By not judging your thoughts or blaming them on anyone else, and merely watching them, there will be a big shift within you – your sense of self worth.
It’s not like you won’t get upset anymore or never feel anxious, but knowing that your thoughts and emotions are just fleeting feelings that are independent of YOU will help ease your tension and increase your positive presence, allowing you to forgive and let go.
3. Love.
Feeling sorry for yourself and sabotaging the present moment with resentful thoughts of the past won’t make anything better. Hurting someone else will never ease your own inner angst.
If you’re disappointed with yourself or frustrated with someone else, the answer is not to take it out on the world around you. Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others, brings zero value into your life.
The way beyond the pain from the past is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying or retaliation, but with present love.
Forgive the past, forgive yourself, forgive others, and love the present moment for what it’s worth. There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you just have to want to see them. Loving is never easy, especially when times are tough, yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action possible.
If you’re feeling pain, don’t take action that creates even more pain. Don’t try to cover darkness with darkness. Find the light. Act out of love. Do something that will enable you to move forward toward a more fulfilling reality. There is always something good you can do. There is always love to give. Fill your heart with it and act in everyone’s best interest, especially your own.
4. Seek positive revenge by living well.
Are you contemplating revenge? You know that’s negative thinking getting the best of you. However, there is a way to seek revenge positively.
How? Forget about them. Remember you. Working on a better you is more fulfilling than hanging on to contempt of others. Let it all go and hold on to your growth and kindness instead. If you train yourself to consistently be more loving in thoughts and actions, your positive energy will attract more positive results into your current reality.
Be unlike the person or situation that hurt you. Let go and grow past your pain. Carry on living well in a way that creates peace in your heart. The energy you would spend trying to get real revenge can be better spent creating an amazing future for yourself.
The bottom line is that the best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives your adversaries more insane than seeing a fresh smile on your face. (Read Buddha’s Brain.)
5. Let go of the need to forgive every mistake.
Mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom. Most of the time they just need to be accepted, not forgiven.
There is an obvious shift in your heart and mind that happens when you go from feeling hurt and upset to peaceful and loving, but it’s not necessarily forgiveness that’s taking place, it’s just the realization that there was nothing to forgive in the first place.
To help you wrap your head around this concept, try to look at your situation from 40,000 feet. Imagine a more seasoned, wiser and more compassionate version of yourself sitting at the mountaintop of life, looking down and watching as the younger minded, current version of you hacks your way through life.
You see yourself holding on to false beliefs and making epic errors of judgment as you maneuver through life’s many obstacles. You watch the children of the world growing up in challenging times that test their sense of self-confidence, yet they push forward bravely. You see the coming generation radiating with passion and love as they fail forward, learning through their mistakes.
And you have to wonder: Would this wiser version of yourself conclude that everyone in their own unique way was doing their very best. And if everyone is trying to do their best, what needs to be forgiven? Not being perfect?
Perfection doesn’t exist. Forgiveness is oftentimes the simple realization that there is nothing that actually needs to be forgiven.
Your turn…
Who would you like to forgive? What stressful burdens do you need to let go of and rise above? Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Randy Heinitz
Leo says
Your last point is amazing! Sometimes all it takes is hearing it in another person’s words to remind you of what you already know. Thank you. I needed a reminder about so many things on this list – things I need to let go of.
J.J. says
Sometimes it’s easier to be said than done, but your post gave me the extra courage to let go of something I’ve been hurting myself with. After all, sometimes we need to let go of the negatives and make space for something better, right? Thanks so much!
Linda says
Good article. I have had a lot of hurt from family and from friends in my life and have been holding on to that hurt. I think I need to let go and move on. I would like to forgive all the past and I’m working on it now.
Sam says
This is just what I needed to read today. Thank you so much.
Tom says
Yes to all. And start by unconditionally loving yourself. Then you’ll be able to unconditionally love and trust others. Honor the divinity in yourself. Then honor the divinity in others. Stop judging others behavior and begin to work on you. Doing the opposite is not a net zero. It is a net negative.
Vincent says
Interesting list. I think I’m a lot better with forgiveness now and a lot of my techniques are similar to what you listed. Number four is the best one in my opinion because it allows you to focus on yourself and it’s a “positive revenge.” There’s no foul play, no ego stroking, no “HA I WIN!” It’s just moving on.
Divya says
I have been reading JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series and am amazed to find the significance of love I’ve understood in the past few days alone.. Earlier I took love to be something insignificant, yeah-whatever-who-cares type.. But now I know that it is one of the reasons we’re alive. As she’s famously said, “Do not pity the dead, pity the living. And above all those who live without love” and “Those who love us, never really leave us; if we look for them hard enough we can always find them in our hearts”. Kudos to her!
Thanks for this great article!! 🙂
Zeee says
I’ve come full circle where forgiveness is concerned. It’s true that one needs that extra courage to let go of the negativity that builds up with time when you harbor resentment. I’m filled with inner peace since going through the process of forgiving; it was tough growth curve for me. I’m feeling so much lighter and happier now.
Faiza says
My question is, when you have done something wrong to someone, and regardless how much you say sorry, or seriously repent on the action, they don’t forgive you, what should be done? Does it mean you’ll never be forgiven? Regardless of how much you apologize, if they don’t forgive, what could be done?
Nick says
Marc and Angel,
A friend of mine told me to start reading your site. I now know why. I’ve made lots of choices in my life through impetuous actions and this year my world fell apart because of them. I’m rebuilding with much more conscious and deliberate thought and kindness to myself. Your posts are amazing and today this one sums it all up for me. With heartfelt thanks. Nick
xoxohall says
I do like hearing this, but as a parent of teenagers, I cannot just stop and feel and forgive myself for the things I have to require them to do that makes them so angry. Every day when I wake up I am aware that I must “start the show” and begin the daily pushing the boulder up the hill that is parenting. I am using your words to be kinder to myself, so thank you.
joy says
Once you realize that everything that has ever happened to you good or bad is just part of your current growth is when you can let go. This may not be for everyone but it helped me and I would like to share. I took whomever hurt me from my past and one by one let them go out loud. “So n so for whatever the reason you hurt me is something only you know but I love you, I forgive you, and I let you go.” I said this over and over again until I literally felt a release from my body (tears). Very healing experience for me.
Chris says
Thank you for your timely reminder. I have beaten myself up for a long time now over trying to forgive myself for past mistakes and for trying to forgive someone else who hurt me very badly. The last week I’ve just focused on the present moment and the joys of the little things in life. I’m starting to feel good about myself and the world again! Thank you, and also thanks to a wise old man who whispered in my ear recently:
The birds they sang at the break of day
Start again I heard them say.
Don’t dwell on what has passed away
Or what is yet to be.
Leonard Cohen
Sandra Hamlett says
Thanks so much for this post. I really needed to meditate on this. I have been struggling to forgive someone who has done something unforgivable. Reading this post made me realize I don’t have to forgive the actions but accept they have happened and move forward. This moving forward means I must do what I need to do to repair the pain and hurt this individual has inflicted on me and my children by selfish actions. I see now that my family does not have to be prisoners of his selfishness but can step outside of his nightmare. The best revenge is in living a full and amazing life without this individual. This is will now be my idea of forgiveness.
Black Roses says
As I said on another post similar to this one I am still grieving but I am glad I realized that it is time to let ‘Johnny’ go. Since he makes zero effort to be with me I shall seek positive revenge by spending more time with those who DO love me and make the effort to spend time with me (and follow through), reach out to me through text, phone calls or coming to visit me unlike him. We all deserve happiness.
Nat says
I’m trying to work out how to let go of problems that actually aren’t mine. I’ve spent my whole feeling responsible for other people at the expense of my happiness and peace of mind. It’s driving me completely insane.
Ellie says
Hi ,
Marc and Angel , thanks again for that great article .
Truly , very inspiring . It’s what I needed to read right now .
@ Faiza :
Faiza , don’t you worry . You have done your ” job ” .
If you do feel really sorry for what you did , or said or whatever : Everything is FINE .I have been in a same situation as you , regardless of how much I apologized ( actually I apologized 3 times ) yet they don’t forgive . So , now it’s up to them . What needs to be said is that : my consciousness is crystal clear .
You have to let go and move on with your life .
You deserve to be Happy Again .
Nothing . Matters .
Good luck
🙂
PS : For more detailed info. feel free to contact me at
[email protected]
Stacy says
I need to forgive my fiance’s mother who has convinced him to call off our wedding or better yet postpone it. She has maneuvered her way into our relationship and I need to forgive him for allowing it. I need to forgive them for this suffering and move forward knowing that my love is real, I will give him time or whatever he needs I just cannot resent them or I will continue to live in agony as I have these past few day.
bonitarose says
Forgiving others is the best thing you can do for you. Period. Forgiveness can often take a lifetime. Some of us have horrible things to forgive.. and for us it takes more time and effort to get there. But we get there. We get there, and live our lives more free than ever before. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. xo
tara dillard says
I think your next book title is already written, “Forget about them. Remember you.”
Years ago, in my garden, I realized, I choose the plants in my garden, CHOOSE THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.
From that moment I hit the eject button on many people, including some family. Seems selfish until understanding you can’t give away what you don’t have, happiness….
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
Amee says
I wake up every morning for the past six months since I’ve found your site and look forward to reading these daily affirmations. Somehow I’m not sure how you know but it seems to stem exactly into what has happened in my life and how I can move forward. I can’t thank you enough for your positive truths that lift me up and humble my negative thoughts about my past. Today especially has proven just that, thank you from the bottom of my heart for these gifts.
Steph says
Hi Faiza,
Forgive yourself. No one is perfect. Learn from your old choices and make better ones moving forward. Once you’ve done all you can earnestly do to apologize then let it go. You are punishing yourself more than the person who doesn’t forgive you. That person is in the midst of their lesson as we all are. It’s ok, everything will work itself out.
Be love and enjoy your life.
David Rapp says
I think my major fault in forgiveness is that I keep wanting it to be a one time event (I forgive you, now everyhting is done), and in reality (for now) its not. Its the act of forgetting that gets me in trouble. I have to remind myself that its over, and that the forgiveness is already in place.
cath says
I love the last line: Perfection doesn’t exist. Forgiveness is oftentimes the simple realization that there is nothing that actually needs to be forgiven.
but what if a person totally lied about you to protect themselves. I can forgive their need to lie but where do I place the harm that they may have done.
J says
Thank you once again for the insight! I really appreciate the time and effort you put into this site. Every time I come here I find the solace and help I’m looking for.
Charles says
Another great set of points to meditate on.
Mulki says
I needed to hear this…. Thank you ?
poonam says
This is very useful advice for a some of the issues I am currently struggling with.
Brian says
I need to forgive myself more than those who did the wrong. I could not stop events in my life but have lived it as if I could. It has only caused psin and regret. Thank you for reminding me that life is so much more
Beatrice says
Boy, did I need this article this morning. Last night, my stepson made a false suicide attempt. He lied about taking pills, called his friend whom called me in tears begging me to do something. My ex husband is out of town at a music festival and unable to be reached. I was filled with fury at my stepson for playing with people’s emotions by saying he overdosed when he didn’t. And I was furious with my ex husband for being an incompetent, unavailable parent. My mind was filled with judgments. Number 2, above, really centered me. It’s about observing thoughts and not investing feelings into them. My mind is working out the issues I mentioned, but that doesn’t mean I have to be emotionally involved in them. This helps me to let go, and not feel harmed or angry by the things people are doing. I’m not going to take this personally. I’m going to see the beauty in my life.
Mike Martel says
Great reminder to step into what we want for ourselves. It is part of the Be-Do-Have triad. First you have to be it, then do it (whatever it looks like), then and only then will you eventually have it. If you want to be happy, start being grateful and happy for what you have already. If you want to be a certain profession, think of yourself as one already and then find anyway you can practice the trade.
As for forgiveness, I forgive myself for past missteps and mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, it is a part of learning. I will not rehash them and move one.
Cynthia says
Forgiveness is always a gift we give to ourselves. The gift includes love, peace of mind and a renewed focus, free of judgement and negativity.
Amandah says
Great post!
I especially liked Points #1 and #5. I never thought about stop trying to forgive, or letting go of the need to forgive every person and/or situation. I like these because they’re different. It’s not the ‘same old, same old’ advice on forgiveness.
Have a great day. 🙂
Mary Jane Allen says
Hi,
Great article! 🙂 I had a big revelation about forgiveness and moving on from feeling like a victim a little while ago. I read Elle de Champagne’s book ‘Live Your Dream Now” and although I had read of other people learning to forgive and move on after traumatic life events I was finally ready and at a place in my life to realize that I have never been a victim of anything or anyone. Everything I have experienced to this point in my life has been about making me the strong woman, healer and teacher that I am today. It was a big moment for me! I feel incredibly thankful to finally have gotten it. I wrote this article about it. manifestyourlifedream.com/lessons-on-life/ I hope it will have the same effect to heal as Elle’s book did for me.
Blessings to all for peace and abundance,
Mary Jane
Jon Ward says
I really love this post and the last point is my favorite – “Let go of the need to forgive every mistake.”
Sometimes we are so afraid to make mistakes, forgetting that we learn more by making plenty of mistakes.
One of my favorite quotes is – “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
Albert Einstein”
Jon
Pepper says
I would like to say thanks to everyone who encourages me. It seems like my surgery date was forever. Finally lumpectomy on 7/5, recovering is no fun. But, each day I am getting better with positive thoughts. Now I know. I learned a life lesson the hard way but that’s all right as long as I learned. It hope not to repeat such an experience again. Knowing that life is learning process, I will develop and learn how to process stress in my life. I would like to say thank you for your blog.
M says
This was a good read. I have been going through constant turmoil lately and reading this makes me feel a little better. Thanks
BahriaTownOnline says
Great post; simply amazing!
Giles says
Thank you, as always, for your wisdom, comfort and guidance; a true constant in my life.
I shall read and re-read this post for it to hopefully take its hold.
At present, I am in a consuming grief at the loss of my relationship. So many promises were shared that this was an ever-lasting thing. Then I fell ill, and so the distance began.
It is not that I am unable to forgive through any spite. It is just that I find it all so raw and hard as I still love deeply and cannot understand.
As ? E.M. Forster wrote in ‘A Room with a View’…
“It isn’t possible to love and to part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.”
? E.M. Forster, A Room with a View
Mel says
Thank you so much for Great Words of Wisdom. I am so desperately working diligently on forgiving myself. I have been so wreckless with myself when partying while on alcohol to the point I have lost great friends and more often than I care to admit have been in some situations with individuals that have been deemed by many and me as disrespectful of myself. Today I live my life in a new light but I’m still haunted by my past. If I see someone from my past I try to leave the scene before they see me. Like I said I’m trying to forgive myself and let go (it’s to painful and I’m tired of feeling this way). Thank you again I really appreciate your words.
Bernadette says
Favourite line – “If you’re trying hard and haplessly making zero progress, stop trying. Stop trying and start being.”
Eckhart Tolle’s work on being present and letting go is awesome, both his books created major pivot points for me.
Thanks for this post.
Bernadette 🙂
Gillian says
I’m so grateful for these posts that remind me again and again that forgiving myself is all that is really needed. Forgiving the other seems unimportant when I forgive myself. I imagine them off on their life path doing whatever they are doing and I cannot do anything about it. What I can do is be here in this present moment with myself, loving myselk through all the “mistakes”. The joy I am experiencing from that is indescribable.
Jennifer says
I am a huge fan of Eckhart Tolle, and have been following his teachings in The Power Of Now for a while now. Words can’t describe for me how point number one of this post, Stop Trying has influenced my life.
Once you stop, you can just be the moment. Once you just except the moment for what it is, you stop thinking about it, and become part of the moment itself. Then what ever you seem have been “trying” to do more often than not falls into place.
True joy comes from acceptance, and letting go.
I still have a long way to go to make this state of mind a habit. But the journey their is half the fun!
Great post! Resonating with me beautifully.
Dawn says
#1 should have just had my name right on it.
This couldn’t have been timed any better!
xoxo
Christy King says
I love number 4. I printed some quotes off to that effect for my son when he was having a hard time with bullies in school so he could look at them when he was down.
DW says
Marc, you are The Man.
Today I spoke to my son who has not spoken to me in 25 years. He had a daughter on Saturday. I called to say congratulations. We talked for 45 minutes. It was not like “good old times”. There are no good old times to remember. It was not about forgiveness either. It was about being 40,000 feet up on a mountain somewhere where the air was clear.
G-d bless you.
Elle says
A great reminder about true forgiveness. I especially like the idea of looking at any situation from a higher point of view.
For myself, I know that to truly forgive, means I must forget. If I haven’t forgotten, then have I really forgiven?
Toni says
Thank you, now I can finally stop trying to forgive what was really a lesson.
Amanda says
Thank you for helping me to lift the weight I’ve been carrying around on my shoulders for the past week, family oh so hard sometimes. Thank you.
Raawi says
Who would you like to forgive? What stressful burdens do you need to let go of and rise above?
I would like to forgive everyone and everything else but myself, for keeping myself burdened and stressed out , for thinking those useless thoughts. Instead of just observing them, I used to get deep down and involved to the core. I had a fear of losing my people, my best friends. I had a great fear of losing my beloved, my life I always had a sense of insecurity that was always creating problems. Instead of missing loving and caring for my partner, I started worrying and getting insecure which made matters worse. Instead of doing acts of love and kindness to take the relationship to a greater level and to feel satisfied and amazing, I always kept myself feeling low thinking only about my significant other cause I always used to concentrate on what the other person is feeling and what all i can do to keep him in my life and close to me, closer than ever.
I wanted to give all my love to my man but the way I was following was not very appropriate. Always either worrying about the future or getting down and low thinkin about the past, i could never rejoice the present moment, the most beautiful part – my life, to be alive. It feels so awesome now that I have forgiven myself and taken away the pain; I no longer have any fear,i feel free.
I now wanna give love with no demands; I no longer have an urge to be accepted and be loved; I just want to be loving and that makes me lovable. I wanna fret less and do more think less and love more i wanna breathe the fresh air .. i wanna be alive .. I wanna live life to the fullest and every morning I wake up I tell myself “The greatest miracle I have seen today is .. life .. the present moment ..” and trust me it feels awesome to be alive .. to feel life.
When you have no fear you experience peace and eternal happiness – something that words cannot describe. Only when you have a greed to win or a fear of loss, you feel low and upset. When you do things just for the sake of doing it, just out of love and just because it gives happiness to you, just because it brings out the person in you, you no longer feel chained and now feel free .. I am ready to experience life and I am breathing, living it and loving it .. and trust me its awesome cause you, my friend, are the best person alive. …