Happiness is not something you postpone for the future;
it is something you design into the present.
Happy people do a lot of things. They spend time expressing gratitude, cultivating optimism, practicing kindness, nurturing loving relationships, committing to meaningful goals, savoring life’s little pleasures, and so on and so forth.
But they NEVER…
1. Mind other people’s business.
Forget about what others are doing. Stop looking at where they are and what they have. Nobody is doing better than you because nobody can do better than you. YOU are walking your own path. Sometimes the reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes circumstances with everyone else’s public highlight reel. We listen to the noise of the world, instead of ourselves. So stop the comparisons! Ignore the distractions. Listen to your own inner voice. Mind your own business.
Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day. Don’t be scared to walk alone, and don’t be scared to enjoy it. Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, drama, or negativity stop you from being the best you can be. Keep doing what you know in your heart is right, for YOU. Because when you are focused on meaningful work and at peace within yourself, almost nothing can shake you. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
2. Seek validation of self-worth from others.
When you are content to simply be yourself, without comparing and competing to impress others, everyone worthwhile will respect you. And even more importantly, you will respect yourself.
How are you letting others define you? What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Truth be told, no one has the right to judge you. People may have heard your stories, and they may think they know you, but they can’t feel what you are going through; they aren’t living YOUR life. So forget what they think and say about you. Focus on how you feel about yourself, and keep walking the path that feels best under your feet.
Those who accept you are your friends. Those who don’t are your teachers. If someone calls you something and it’s true, it’s not your problem because it’s true. If someone calls you something and it’s not true, it’s not your problem because it’s not true. Either way, whatever they call you is not your problem. What other people call you is their problem…
What you call yourself, and who you decide to become, is your problem.
3. Rely on other people and external events for happiness.
Unhappiness lies in that gap between what we have now and what we think we need. But the truth is, we don’t need to acquire anything more to be content with what we already have. We don’t need anyone else’s permission to be happy. Your life is magnificent not because someone says it is, or because you have acquired something new, but because you choose to see it as such. Don’t let your happiness be held hostage. It is always yours to choose, to live and experience.
As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be. If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault. Take full responsibility for your own unhappiness, and you will instantly gain the ability to be happier. Stop seeking in vain to arrange conditions that will make you happy. Simply choose to appreciate the greatness that is yours in this moment, and the right conditions will start to line up around the contentment you seek.
The greater part of your happiness or unhappiness depends upon your outlook, and not upon our situation. Even if things aren’t perfect right now, think of all the beauty still left around you. A good reason to smile is always one thought away; choose to tap into it any time you like. (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
4. Hold on to resentment.
Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghosts from your past. What happened in the past is just one chapter in your story; don’t close the book, just turn the page.
We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others, and while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. Feelings of resentment urge us to relive the same pain over and over, and we have a hard time letting go.
Forgiveness is the remedy. It allows you to focus on the future without combating the past. To understand the infinite potential of everything going forward is to forgive everything already behind you. Without forgiveness, wounds can never be healed and personal growth can never be achieved. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
5. Spend prolonged periods of time in negative environments.
You can’t make positive choices for the rest of your life without an environment that makes those choices easy, natural, and enjoyable. So protect your spirit and potential from contamination by limiting your time with negative people and the environments they inhabit.
When other people invite you to act like victims, when they whine and moan about the unfairness of life, for example, and ask you to agree, to offer condolences, and to participate in their grievances, WALK AWAY. When you join in that game of negativity you always lose.
Even when you’re alone, create a positive mental space for yourself. Make it a point to give up all the thoughts that make you feel bad, or even just a few of them that have been troubling you, and see how doing that changes your life. You don’t need negative thoughts. They are all lies. They solve nothing. All they have ever given you is a false self that suffers for no reason. (Read Buddha’s Brain.)
6. Resist the truth.
It is a certain deathtrap when we spend our lives learning how to lie, because eventually these lies grow so strong in our minds that we become bad at seeing, telling and living our own truth. Lives come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies. If you resist the truth, you will live a lie every day as the truth haunts your thoughts every night. You simply can’t get away from your truth by moving dishonestly from one place to the next.
So don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to hide the truth with deception; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion of what’s popular. It is better to offer no explanation or excuse than a false one. It takes courage and strength to admit the truth, but it is the only way to truly live. Accept what is, embrace it fully, and live for the possibilities that lie ahead.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What’s something you should NOT do if you want to be happy? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Danorbit
Happy Feet says
#4 and #5 are ones that strike home for me. Spending prolonged time in a negative environment (unfortunately it was a house I shared with in-laws) led me to one of the darkest times of my life. It ultimately led to the end of a 16 year relationship with my wife, the loss of my home, my possessions, and sanity. I lost my father to illness 6 months later and I had to start life again from scratch. I was angry, bitter and twisted.
It’s now been two years, I have forgiven my wife for her infidelity and I wish her and her new partner the best of luck!
My drinking habits have largely vanished (though I still like a beer every now and then), I have my own place, I am content with my own company, I’m free, I’ve “found” an inner peace that I lost a long time ago. And for the first time in my life, I’m actually a person who wants of nothing!
Life is awesome now!!!
Christy King says
My two cents: You should not let fear rule your life.
Vincent says
Happy people never argues with another person for the sake of appearing right. It goes somewhere along with #2, seeking validation. When I know someone is wrong I try my best to hold my tongue. It’d be easy to voice my thoughts rationally, but quite as easy to do it condescendingly as well. Many people will have a belief and will hold onto it even when your facts are presented to them. If it is a topic that you know they won’t listen with open ears, don’t open your mouth just so you can appear wiser in the eyes of those around you. The only thing that does is boost your ego.
Issa O says
Everyday, you have a choice. Literally. A choice to do what you want to do for your happiness, if at the end of the day, you claim everyone made you unhappy, that too was your choice.
Fadwa says
I believe that one useful attitude to have a happy life is to have no expectations from people. Living an expectation free life gives the ease to flow through life events and people behaviors without being hurt deeply. Somethings might surprise you or shock you, but by expecting that everything is possible (or not expecting much from anyone) makes bouncing back and having more neutral and balanced reaction much more smooth and peaceful.
Barbara says
I would add avoid dealing with major problems to the list. I think if you are in denial about major aspects of your life, you can never be really happy.
Kristin says
I needed this today. Thank you so much.
Flora B says
To add to what Vincent said, I’d like to add do not force your opinions on others or think you know best as everyone is coming from somewhere. State your point calmly and listen to others. At the very least, you can always agree to disagree.
Dawn M says
I especially like the line “your happiness or unhappiness depends upon your outlook and not your situation”.
Years ago when I was a divorced mom I read so,mewhere that the art of happiness was knowing what to overlook and also I remember writing on my bathroom mirror to learn to value things that are free (beautiful sunshine in your window was one).
I so find enrichment in your articles.
God bless both of you and this work you do for all of us!
Connie says
I have been going through a lot of stress in my 28 year marriage (from both our ends). I had decided to accept my responsibility for my part in it & not let it determine how I spent another day or the rest of my life. I told my husband the same thing & he was relieved that we were not going to continue to carry this anger with us. You told me exactly what I needed today in more ways than one! Thank for your insight & giving me some guidelines to remember when I want to be unhappy because I am the one who chooses each day what that day is going to be like and I choose HAPPINESS!
Valerie Parv says
The Desiderata is my inspiration starting with “never compare yourself to others, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” I envy no-one and would change places with no-one. I’m not Polyanna but I try to be grateful for all the good around me, big and small. Gratitude can’t be overrated.
Susanna Halonen says
Self-criticism is a big one for me to let go of!
I’m better than I used to be but I’m quite hard on myself if things don’t go as planned. I think this has a lot to do with having a growth mindset which I have been practising over the last year. I followed these 7 steps to get to the happier, more self-compassionate place where I am now: bit.ly/12ak0U6
Sara says
Happy people believe that people can be happy.
Tony says
I heard exactly what I needed to hear today, thanks M&A
Qaisara says
Thank you for this amazing post!
I realized that I have been doing all of the things listed above, therefore I believe those are the reason why I always feel empty, numb and even happiness means nothing to me anymore.
I should turn those things into things I WILL NEVER DO AGAIN 😀
Karen says
Reserve judgment. When you don’t understand why another person acts out, sometimes toward you, reserve judgment. My teenage daughter recently commented, negatively and emotionally, to a friend’s behavior that day at school. I asked her if she’d done anything offensive to that person, and if not, then simply let it go. Be friendly, helpful, and encouraging (often by asking a question like “How’s your day going?”) OR just walk away.
I went through an entire year at work with an employee who was negative and difficult. I made it my mission that every time I encountered this person’s negative comments or complaints, I would listen briefly and then say “How can I help you meet those expectations? What can I do for you?” And I was there to make sure the job was done. Several months later, the employee comes into work and announces that her divorce was final and she’d changed her name! That was the first time she’d shared. So… reserve judgment. Don’t make it about you when it is probably not about you.
Christine says
You’ve covered so many of my own stumbling blocks in this post. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to trip over them.
Jannine says
I would add that happy people do not live in fear of the unknown. They realize that attempting to change others or control situations which are out of their control will interfere with the natural order of things, and drain their spirit in the process. You can not have a peaceful and happy life if you are allowing fear to co-habitate with you.
Juniper says
Happy people never…
1. Give up.
There is sunshine above the clouds, even if we can’t see it right now. There is more money to be gained, more opportunities to be had, more…
2. Look at what they don’t have.
Instead, they appreciate what they do have. Then, when they see something they like, they have good feelings about it instead of wistful, longing feelings of lack.
Jeff says
I’m having trouble overcoming #3. If you’re unhappy because you are lonely, and you have difficulty meeting other people, how do you get out of the situation without relying on other people?
Amandah says
I would add the following:
“Happy people do not live in the past. They stay in the present.” You can’t travel back in time and change (fill in the blank), but you can learn from it and move on with your life.
“Happy people do not please others because they know they can’t.” No matter how much you do for someone, it may never be enough. You can’t force someone to like you or approve of you. Stop pleasing others. Please yourself instead.
“Happy people do not analyze everything to death.” Sh** happens in life. Learn to go with the flow. Don’t analyze why this or that happened. Learn from (fill in the blank) and move on with your life.
“Happy people do not allow others to tell them what to do.” While it’s wise to seek counsel from those you trust, you’re better off making your own decisions. Deep down, you know what you want to do or what is right for you. Do not allow others to tell you what to do.
“Happy people do not share their dreams straightaway. They keep their dreams to themselves and/or share them with those who’ll understand and support them.” Keep your mouth shut! If you have a brand new dream, do not tell everyone about it. Don’t post it on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. Do not send everyone in your contact list an email and/or text about it. Do not tell your family and friends. Nurture your dream. When the time is right, share it with those who’ll understand and support you. Otherwise, your dream will be crushed in less than 2.5 seconds.
Great post! Thanks for writing it.
David Rapp says
1. Happy people know maintaining happiness takes work. Its not a destination, its a way of travelling. So they never take it for granted.
2. Most people cannot tell you their definition of success, and I would wager most cannot define their happiness either. Just knowing what your definition is puts you ahead of the pack. So happy people never second guess what makes them happy.
Michelle says
If you want to be happy you should not be living outside of the moment. I often find myself “planning” for next week, next month, and even the next few years. It is hard to live in the moment and accept things for what they are and take in the moment and the little things that mean the most. I think that I pass up on the little everyday joys beacause in my mind I am planning for a future that has not even arrived and is not even promised.
Barbara says
Not seeking validation from a boss, knowing in my own truth that I was working to my potential and making a difference was the only thing that saved me from a bad environment. I used the experience to teach me lessons that I will use in my new job, that is full of positivity and the people embrace me because of my inner happiness.
Your posts have allowed me to stay on my own journey and not take on others victimness.
Thank you two-I will continue to read your blogs.
XO
Melissa Reyes says
Right on Marc and Angel! Thank you for your insights!
Nicole Witt says
#4 is especially powerful. I struggled for a long time on how to let go of my resentments.
I have come to a place where I am “faking it until I make it”. Each day, I act “as if” those resentments aren’t there. I concentrate on what is happening today ONLY – not what happened in the past or how that is likely to repeat in the future.
When my mind starts to wander to the past or future, I have gone so far as to use my hands as blinders to remind myself to focus on what is in front of me NOW.
So, far it is helping a lot 🙂
Christine says
Happy People also never begrudge any one else’s success or happiness.
Patricio says
All of us have to deal with more than one problem at any given time. My recipe is to imagine a place where you can store all your problems in different shelves, then open one, seek for a solution… if the problem is solved, great ! If not, put it back on the shelf and go for the next one. Never open all your problems at the same time – less stressful this way.
David Leoni says
Rule # 1: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Rule # 2: It’s all small stuff.
Kelly E says
@ISSA O: You hit a home run for me… Thank you!
Sahar says
Thank you for writin’ these sentences and sharin’ with us! I’ve been following this blog from long ago and I read ’em specially when I’m stuck in a bad inner mood! I wanted to add something to the list above:
• Thinking about possibilities of trouble, happening ahead and worryin’ about ’em makes the happiness go away!
• Complaining about the life and fate, instead of tryin’ to be a better man out of the situation!
Lorna says
Happy people don’t see themselves as helpless – they tend to wield the might powers of decision and responsibility to consciously direct their lives.
Teresa says
I have just loved what you said and would add Amandah’s list. I had been struggling with # 4 for a long time, but it is over now.
Bobadoo says
The glass IS really always half full.
N says
I’ve have always read people’s comment that asked, ‘Did you write that for me?’…. and I found it little hard to believe that they actually meant it. But today, when I read #1 and #2, it felt like you DID know what I was thinking, and said the exact words I needed to hear! God, you’re such a blessing! Thank you! 🙂
Shagtiff says
Thanks for the great post and all the very useful and valid comments.
At the end it comes down to do what you like, be yourself and do not search recognition as it will come on it’s own when you are happy.
John Ward says
A brilliant post. No): 3 and No): 5 hit home for me. I used to be so sensitive to other people’s opinion and didn’t realize such a negative environment which I was working in.
I finally realized that you can’t please everyone and you have to avoid negative people. Changed my circle of friends and feel so much happier and positive about life
John
Josefina says
Wonderful post
a gift … received!
I Give Thanks for Marc and Angel.
Also Karen! … your post on ‘reserving judgement’ on the ‘treatment’ you may be receiving from someone is so on point and a definite ‘add to the list’ for me.
Thank you!
PAM says
Everyone is a winner for me! So glad someone shared your site with me… I continually get re-energized reading it…
Jackie says
All you say makes so much sense, but I still struggle to put ‘me’ first – I still tend to do things that does not appease myself (or any others!).
Does it come naturally, or do I need to work harder to break my awful habits?
Bernadette says
Great post. Particularly true about not spending prolonged periods of time in negative environments. Takes some courage to move away from places/spaces that bring you down, particularly if those are places/spaces are where you earn your living or where you spend time with a familiar set of people. Really enjoyed reading this list. Thanks.
Bernadette 🙂
wisdom says
Marc and Angel, all i can say is THANK U VERY MUCH. You have been great teachers to me personally. I am trying to learn from the experiences you have faced throughout the years and the sound advice you give to me each and every week! Thank you sincerely from my heart.
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Marc and Angel.
Good call on the ‘minding your own business’ content. That is what we need to do in order to have an unadulterated time handling what we have as a game plan. Working through other people’s plans and paths is an insult to our own path.
I can see that these various items listed here relate to how we deal with other people and their presence. We are usually fine on our own, but some of us are more consistent in focusing on our own path, and some are more affected or distracted by the presence of others.
Cynt77 says
Happy people never sacrifice other people for their own happiness.
Brandt says
They never fail to find the lesson in any setback that comes along.
mary polleys says
Happy people never give in to envy of others’ lives and possessions.
gibbson says
Thanks for this post. I am glad I came across it at a very crucial time.
Jannette Danielian says
Fear life.
Anil MN says
Oh! Lovely Article, it made my day!
I firmly believe that happiness lies within and happy people don’t think much of past, they find opportunity in every difficulty – they put their best efforts to solve problems and they don’t give excuses.
Thanks for sharing this advice!
Regards.