An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time. A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. A true friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests at heart and would NEVER…
1. Criticize you for being flawed.
As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend. They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful.
The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.
2. Walk away when times get tough.
True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return. Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.
So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most. Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you. The people still standing beside you are your true friends.
3. Discourage you.
Unfortunately, some who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential. It may be difficult, but don’t let these negative imposters bring you down. Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling. Beware of friends who try to belittle your ambitions. Small hearts and minds always do that. The greatest hearts and minds – the people you should spend time around – make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Hold a grudge over your head.
Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them. They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior. Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!
A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future. If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.
5. Lie to you.
When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.
If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours. They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.
6. Pretend like they have all the answers.
If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems. They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.
Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you. (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)
7. Take from you without giving back.
You deserve to be with friends who make you smile – friends who don’t take you for granted – friends who won’t leave you hanging. When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.
You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give more than you get. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation. This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give yourself to certain people.
8. Bully you.
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw. When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.
Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you. Anyone who does so is not a true friend. Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
9. Make you feel like you’re burdening them.
True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations. What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them. Period.
So don’t chase people. They don’t need to be chased. If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth.
Afterthoughts
A true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys. Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being.
Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What’s one thing a true friend would never do? Leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: JDConway
Rick Ornberg says
A true friend can see right through you, and still enjoy the view.
Lynne says
A true friend would not sleep with your husband. Someone I thought was my friend, did just that. In hind sight, she did me a favor. I am now out of marriage that was emotionally lacking. He sucked all the confidence out of me with his constant nit picking. Now, I am better and stronger than ever.
Bill says
A true friend would not take over a month or more to return a phone call.
A true friend would not endlessly make excuses for years on end as to why they are too busy to visit you, especially when those excuses are crap.
A true friend would not completely abandon a 20+ year friendship once they got married.
Cindie says
Forget you. Ignore you.
Renata says
Geez, wake up call. This so called friend of mine pretty much ticked all those boxes for things you shouldn’t do! Thank you for helping me make an important decision in my life.
Zakkiyya says
I think a true friend would never let out your secrets.
M says
@ Spring.
Just a thought, you might want to look up the def. of Sociopath and see if it fits him.
If so, it might help you make whatever decisions you need to make.
All the best to you.
KC says
Another thing a true friend won’t do is belittle you when good things come your way. This has been my biggest issue with “friends”. They all love to help out when times are tough, but can’t wait to cut me down and belittle me when something good happens.
Anie says
They will never be the cause of your drama.
darkmark says
Shut you out over a stupid argument.
Christy says
A true friend does not go through your underware drawer, your jewelry box, personal papers and your entire home, snooping in every cupboard and cubby when they are supposed to be caring for your pets, plants and home while you are gone.
Mo says
A true friend will also not always be about themselves….. Beware if you have one who is constantly complaining about their lives and other people…. For most of the duration of the visit. You are not anyone’s therapist… And are not trained to separate all the emotions that go with it. I had a friend who would go on and on and then get pissed if anyone would make any kind of suggestion to try to better the situation…. Then we were criticizing her. Sad as it sounds you have to make sure the friendship is on some what even footing… if you are footing most of the resources….time, listening, your spouse fixing things for them, paying for most of your outings, other friends gifts , this probably is not a good situation. That is what happened in this situation…. Only for me to find out she was ripping me apart behind my back with other so called friends.
Cheryl Bush says
I think this statement in your article really sums it up best: “Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person.”
Wounded but Stronger says
I was in a very similar situation to BRC; interesting to see another person going through the same thing.
Marie says
What do you think about a person who is suppose to be your long time friend, and then her and her husband find new friends (a couple) to associate with and totally leave you out of the picture. Do you feel that this person is a true friend? I don’t. I’ve come to believe that this person is a fair weather friend, and only wants you around at their convenience. Not jealousy because this person has found new friends but I’m not really mentioned like I’m a close friend to them either. What are your thoughts?
Qast says
A true friend would never use you.
Bruce says
So glad to come across this article. To add up for myself and to share with everyone: 1. Be a righteous, honest, generous, reliable and most importantly, loving person; (Very important, because likes attract likes: If you want great friends, you have to be great to deserve them) 2. Make friends with people with the same traits, namely, screen everyone you’ve known or you are yet to meet through such criteria, so your likes will fall through to be your friends and the snobs, hypocrites, stealers will be left alone – for ever. Remember friends are meant to enrich and beautify your life, not to twist your mind and soul.
Nicholas says
After reading this post, I had an epiphany. Some of those things are things that I sometimes do to my friends, whether accidental or on purpose. Thank you for posting this, as it has shown me what I need to do to be a better friend.
lost forever says
A true friend would notice when your said and do everything in their power to cheer you up.
mlpfan02 says
A true friend…
Is LOYAL
Is KIND
Is HONEST
Is GENEROUS
Makes you LAUGH
Respects the MAGIC of your friendship
🙂
Jennifer says
A true friend will always guide you through the right path. He or she will surely make you aware when you are going to do something wrong. He or she will never appreciate or support such things. Rather a true friend will always try to convince you so that you do not even think of doing such things in the future.
Giana says
@MLPFan02
Agreed <3
Coralie says
A true friend shouldn’t criticize you and put you down. They should value your friendship. True friends shouldn’t go behind your back. They should trust you. They should be happy for you and something great comes your way. A true friend shouldn’t always talk about them-self. They should care about what is happening in your life. When “better” people come along, they shouldn’t stop talking to you because that shows that they never were a true friend at all. Overall, a true friend is someone who will lift you up at all times. They are someone who you make you a better you. A true friend is someone who i am still hoping to find.
Ken says
I lost my job two years ago and it was a fast downward spiral after that, lost my house due to foreclosure, had to live with in-laws until we got back on our feet. Out of all the people who I had been there for in the past (thru their ups and downs)and who were supposed to be my friends, only very few were there for me. Also, they were the friends I never would have expected to step up and the friends I really thought would be helping me with either emotional support or just lending a hand helping us move, disappeared. Needless to say, my circle has gotten smaller and I’ve become harden and left those so called “fair weathered” friends behind. Some of them have tried to get back into my life after everything settled down, but I just don’t respond to them and usually they get the hint. The deal is, I didn’t expect to drag them into my problems, but a phone call or stop by and see how I was holding up would have been nice I didn’t hear from some of them for 6 months. I’m moving on. Life lesson learned.
alexandra says
Sadly, I have realized I have no real friends. I have friendly people but my friends pretty much forget me, call if they need something but that’s it, throwv my fears in my face, yell at me if I don’t take their advice, ignore me, if I have a different opinion than theirs, I better prove with facts why I have an opinion, double standards are commonplace, and when I need someone they are never around. I’d love to say we’re teens but we’re in our 40’s and 50’s.
I’d rather be lonely and friendless, so I don’t talk with them and I go about the pleasantries you have with acquaintances.
Interestingly, when I didn’t call, text, or email none of my friends could bother to see if I was ok.
Vivian says
I just lost my best friend last night and she is 1 thru 9 to me. And remember this:
– A true friend will only remember you of your good times. Not bad times.
hollie says
I think a true bff should appreciate you and never EVER be mean or say rude words to them aka aloner,cow etc.
Meera says
This article hit the nail and I love it. It confirmed that I was right in pushing away my bad friends. That being said…
A true friend will laugh at your stupid jokes and love your weird qualities. A true friend would never flirt with the guy you have a crush on. A true friend will give you time if you need it and not rush you for his or her selfish reasons. A true friend will never throw you away when someone better comes along. A true friend will never overly praise another friend and make you feel like you’re not cool enough.
Milly D says
Thank you for this… It has reinforced that I’m not the only person who thinks this way about friendship. I hold it as a sacred bond, and believe I am a true friend to the people in my life – I am SO sad to think the people I treat with respect and support and love, don’t do the same in return. My only “true friend”? My husband. Thank the Lord for me stumbling across him!! Much love. xx
Donna says
I recently lost my husband suddenly. I know now who my true friends are…the ones that call (or email) at least once a week to see how I am. Then they listen. Those fair weather friends brought a meal and a hug the first week. Sadly they live just around the block.
(He was my best friend for over 40 years.)
Canaan says
Friendships take hard work, just like a marriage. And often old friendships become more fragile over time, rather than stronger. Don’t know why that is, but it’s true. I’ve lost too many good friends over the years over stupid one-time mistakes (both mine and theirs). I’ve also lost friends when one of us in the relationship has changed. Friends who share addictions (drinking, smoking, shopping) are particularly at risk when one in the friendship opts out of the behavior. Friendships are complex and old friendships often survive because there is distance between the parties – literally and figuratively. Familiarity often breeds contempt. That being said, good friends try not to hurt you, stay by your side when the going gets rough and hopefully forgive you if you screw up.
Betrayed says
True friends don’t turn a blind eye to your suffering. True friends don’t use you like a napkin and toss you away. True friends don’t enter commitments and then break them. True friends don’t leave you floundering while they walk away unpreterbed. Friends don’t USE eachother and they definitely don’t lay blame on you for having mental health problems, or character flaws.
My best friend was my personal devil. And she ruined friendship for me. I will probably never trust another human being again.
Melissa Williams says
Beautiful. Insightful. Thank you.
Blue Moon says
A true friend is someone that won’t abandon you for the “cooler” crowd. One of my friends and I have never quite fit in with the popular people; and now that they are finally accepting her, she seems to have forgotten about me. She does everything to please her new “friends”.
Max says
Hello strangers. I would love to share with you this list which I wrote while somewhat angry, disgruntled, and irritated. Please some tell me if I’m crazy or is there some morsel of truth in what I came up with.
Real friends don’t ignore you when they feel like it and then smile and get back to you like it was nothing.
Real friends actually invite you to events.
Real friends will go out of their way to contact you.
Real friends will never offend you and play it off like it was nothing.
Real friends will confront you about problems and perhaps even help you with yours.
Real friends will always try to hook you up, whether it be potential relationships, drugs, money when you need it or don’t.
Stacey says
I have had many times when I have made (what I thought..) were very good friends. Not long after leaving my ex I ended up with a lovely circle of friends who helped and supported me though the breakup. The few years before I met my now current partner, they were there for me, we would do lots of stuff together etc. Then slowly but surely within a short time after meeting my now current partner, they all disappeared from my life…this is like maybe 10 of them! I really tried to keep in contact, but it was no use, they all completely lost interest. Looking at it from a higher perspective, I can see they were there for me through the really bad times but when I met my partner, it was like “he is here now for you, our job is done, bye…”
I went through a period of a couple of years of literally no other friends apart from my partner. Then I gradually started making new friends and they have been on a completely different wavelength and all of them have partners. Now a few of them are fading away, which seems to be coinciding with a new phase in my life happening, which would tie in.
My (now grown up) children were def NOT my friends also, especially when I was going through the breakup of the marriage, they had their allegiances with their father and at this point they have no contact with me, very sad and heartbreaking, but again…’cosmic weeding’…?
@ Max, indeed, “Real friends actually invite you to events”. This is a biggie for me at the moment, I supported one particular friend greatly in her personal life and business ventures. Lately I have been excluded from one big event she has been involved with. You know when you get that ‘stabbed in the gut’ feeling, when they mention something? At my events I helped and supported her in helping her get more confident and helping her make money, I now have been overlooked The event she got involved in is so up my street and involves everything I am, when she mentioned it, I was a ‘second thought’. All she could talk about was “do I want to be involved, it will cost you..x” Considering I let her have a voice at my event, where she made a considerable about of money, and I did not dream of taking a single cent. I also offered much help to promote her business, for free also.
This rings true also “Real friends don’t ignore you when they feel like it and then smile and get back to you like it was nothing.” This is her habit, more often than not.
I think the key to it all is this: if someone does not treat you with respect, as a true friend would, it is time to let them go, why waste your time? A slot has now opened for someone new and better to enter When someone does not want my company, then why should we pursue it, or try to ‘get the friendship back’? More often than not we cannot know truly why someone decides you are ‘so last week’, but it is so important for us to get on with our life and not give away our power to them, and I know you really feel like cr*p when someone you thought highly of and a ‘friend’ decides you are not in their circle anymore, it really does make you feel yucky in the extreme.
I also think it is ‘cosmic weeding’, the Universe is getting rid of those that are really of no benefit to us and making way for those who are better suited. Sometimes all friendships do not last, for whatever reason, but best to say to yourself “thank you for being in my life and all that we experienced together, and I will all the very best. RISE ABOVE ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS and be thankful for the good times you had, and less on the bad times.
Try to make YOU the best friend you could ever had and keep in mind..”am I someone I would want to spend time with?” If you do not like being around you, why would anyone else?
arrigo says
Great Website!!!!
I guess Friends will always come and go out our lives. We change, our friends change….it’s just Life.
BUT….BEST FRIENDS are supposed to be different. BEST FRIENDS, like any meaningful relationship (romantic or otherwise), are two people that decide that no matter what life hands them, that they are in it for the long haul. (Through Sickness/Health, Good Times/Bad Times, Etc).
To me, leaving my Best Friend of 14 Years was NEVER an option. I guess my Best Friend, didn’t feel the same way.
BUT…Just because they chose to leave the relationship, that doesn’t mean that was my choice.
I choose to always be there for them, whenever they need me. It may be months/years down the road (or never)….but I will forever be their friend. To me, she is FAMILY….and FAMILY IS FOREVER.
lyssa says
A true friend would never turn your friends against you when they’re mad at you.
leeane says
I am really struggling with #9. Have had who I’ve considered a best friend (and him me) for the past 7 years. He’s now going through a divorce & is always “too busy ” to get together. Yet he has time for everyone & everything else. He knows I feel taken for granted. Today after we again couldn’t get schedules together he joked around & I told him I’m tired of feeling like an unimportant option. He says he knows & will set up some time for us to spend together. Now I feel like I am chasing…like I am forcing someone to see me. I feel terrible both ways – telling him & ignoring it.
Ingrid says
I totally agree with Coralie. “I true friend is someone who I am still hoping to find”
Zero says
A true friend will NEVER go back on their word. Whether it be keeping a secret, keeping a hangout date, or just talking to you online. Sadly, about 95% of my “Friends” do this all the time.
Erin says
A friend is someone who both loves you & can be trusted – unconditionally. Friends are genuinely good people who are always there. If you be honest and look really hard you can tell one from the other.
I learnt at a young age during tough circumstances what happens when you crave true friendship and get let down everywhere you turn. I thank God that i have been blessed with a loving fiance who is my best friend, along with a great family and one beautiful female friend. X
Yox says
A true friend will get in touch with you because they truly miss you and care about you, not because they need something from you. A true friend will try to help you through your problems, but will not offer unsolicited, presumptive “expert” advise. A true friend will not use you for their own advancements, will not try to have nice things you have, will not betray, stab your back or take you for granted.
For those who see little signs mentioned above, don’t walk, run away! You are much much better alone than having these phonies.
Asha says
A true friend would never…..
take you for granted!!!!!
Best7056 says
True friends would not make you choose them over other family and friends, because they are jealous.
Philip says
I have known the person who I consider as my best friend for the past 15 years and our friendship is very important to me. I accept him for who he is. In all the time we’ve known each other we’ve got on really well together and I can honestly say that I can’t remember us ever having an argument. Recently he has been going through a tough time personally and I made it my business to support him and to let him know I was there for him. That’s what good friends do. In my birthday card from him he said I was a true friend which I found very touching.
Elaine says
Me and my best friend of 26 years are currently not talking. She speaks to people in a very bad manner as she just says that is how she is and we should all accept her that way. I picked up that she was offish towards me (we also work together) and asked her what was wrong? She said that she did not like my ‘attitude’ and they way I answered her. So I said sorry and I also mentioned to her that she is always welcome to drop in at my house for coffee or just a chat (we recently moved). After 26 years she tells me that we need to set a date for any meetings, coffee or a chat as her life it just too busy. I just said I am not going to fight over this and left it there, this is the first time in 26 years that we haven’t spoken to each other in almost 3 weeks (she sits in the office next to me). She just totally ignores me, and have now managed to turn everyone against me…..has lunch with them, make plan with them.
It hurts to see how a bestie can become and enemy. The main reason behind it all is, she is very self centered, everyone needs to do what she wants to do and she is very selfish…..it’s her way or the highway.
I am a grown up, I am not going to be fighting to have a space in someone’s life, especially if I need to make an appointment to see them.
Faye says
Great post. It’s tough to face the truth. I’ve been overlooking the fact that #5 seems to be a constant in my relationships with certain long-time friends. Need to gather the strength to move on and focus attention on those who are truly worthy.
Nicki says
I’ve read these comments, and I feel so sad and blessed at the same time. I tend to follow my instincts when making emotional choices, and therefore have been able to discern who’s who in my circle. I have social friends, but I never confuse them with my TRUE friends. I WANT to be with my true friends; our time together is priceless. I worry when things are hard for them, because their happiness is important to me. I try to figure ways to improve their difficult situation; be it emotional, financial, or physical support. And they do the same for me. I don’t have to ask or explain, and neither do they. We know and understand each other, all the strengths and weaknesses, and want what’s best for each other. I am truly blessed that I don’t have to ponder my true friendships… because they love and care about the whole me – faults and all – they’re always there for me, as I hope I’m always there for them. When their hearts soar, mine does, too. And when their hearts are heavy, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to ease their burdens. They do the same for me, and I believe our shared compassion towards each other is the key to our strong friendships. Your heart knows who’s really true…they are the ones who realize that your shining light does not make their light any dimmer. Instead of feeling jealous of your victories, which sometimes happens at the others lowest point, they feel contentment because they really want what’s best for you. True friendship is not EVER about dragging someone down to your lowest point… it’s about looking up, seeing the hand they offer, and trusting that they will help you find your wings when you need it. I am so blessed to have very natural, true and reciprocal friendships.
Megan says
@Mo
I was in a similar situation with my ” best friend” since 2nd grade. She lost her daughter last year but all she’s been concerned about since she passed is being with someone. I understand her wanting to fill the void but she hasn’t dealt with the loss of her child… I’ve done nothing but listen to her complain about guys for almost a year now and I finally had enough. I’m in a relationship and am quite happy however she always critisizes everything I do. She told me if I’m in a relationship I’m not to have male friends, I’m not going to change who my friends are because someone else doesn’t agree with it. My boyfriend has no problem with my group of male friends he trusts me enough and knows if he has an issue he can come to me. Nothing I do is ever good enough, I have 2 children and understandably she won’t hang out with me if its my time with them however she expects me to drop everything when they bare at daycare or with their fathers to hang out with her! We got into an a?argument about the whole situation so I told her the honest truth that I felt she was being completely self centered and I’ve been having money issues and got laid off so I’m dealing with a lot of paperwork and stuff she got pissed because I had stiff to do! Ughh