“I have seen and touched and danced and sung and climbed and loved and meditated on a lifetime spent living honestly. Should it all end tomorrow, I can positively say there would be no regrets. I feel fortunate to have walked 90 years in my shoes. I am truly lucky. I really have lived 1,000 times over.”
Those are the opening lines to one of the final entries in my grandmother’s journal – a 270-page, leather-bound journal she wrote small entries in almost every day during the final decade of her life. When my grandmother passed on, she formally left her journal for me in her will. Since then, I have read it from cover to cover countless times. Although I have shared some of her insights and quotes with you before, the quote above is the only one I have printed out and hanging over my desk. It reminds me to strive to end each day with no excuses, no false explanations, and no regrets.
Over the course of our blog’s seven-year lifespan, Angel and I have received well over a thousand emails from readers who either have regrets or are fearful that they are leading a life that will ultimately lead to regret. As we’ve read and responded to each of these emails over the years, it became clear to us that most people struggle with the exact same regrets. In this post, I want to share six of these regrets with you – the ones that seem, by a long shot, to be the most popular among our readers – and examine some ideas on how to avoid their grief.
1. Letting uncertainty paralyze you.
Sometimes you will not be able to see where you are going; every step will seem uncertain. But know that as long as you follow your intuition and take baby steps, your soul’s inner GPS will guide you home. You will find that you will be the right person, at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing on point. Trust your instincts. Relax. You know what to do. Living is about learning as you go.
Living is risky business. Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a small risk. To truly live is to know you’re getting up and taking that risk, and to trust yourself to take it. To not get out of bed, clutching to illusions of safety, is to die slowly without ever having truly lived.
If you simply ignore your feelings and let uncertainty win, you will never know anything for sure, and in many ways this unknowing will be worse than finding out your hunch was wrong. Because if you were wrong, you could make adjustments and carry on with your life without ever looking back and wondering what might have been. (Read Uncertainty.)
2. Focusing on past failures instead of present opportunities.
Well, it’s true, you have failed and you have been hurt… perhaps quite a bit. But it’s also true that you have loved, and been loved. That you have risked, and received. That you have grown not just older, but wiser every day. And all of this carries a weight of its own – a greater weight than any particular failure or wound. Think of your whole life as a giant pie chart. In the end, you will look back on your life and see that the greatest portion of it was spent living, loving, and learning through unanticipated, priceless experiences. The problems, the failures, the sadness… these things are part of the pie, but they are just small slivers that led to the bigger slices of life.
What you need to realize is that we all do things we desperately wish we could undo. These feelings of regret just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change the past, is to waste all of the present and future. Forget the failures of the past and focus on the present opportunities. It’s better to have a life full of small failures that you learned from, rather than a lifetime filled with the regrets of never trying.
Have you ever seen a toddler learn to walk? They stumble and fall numerous times before getting it right. Mistakes are learning opportunities. It takes failure after failure to create success. So don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on. Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn’t do what you can do right now.
3. Being too busy impressing others and forgetting about what’s best for YOU.
Get your priorities straight. Twenty years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of jeans you bought. What will matter is how you lived and loved, what you learned, and how you applied this knowledge.
So forget about impressing everyone else. Be real instead. If you want to impress someone, impress yourself by making progress on something you’re sincerely proud of. It’s truly amazing what you can accomplish in a day when you aren’t constantly worried about what everyone else in the world thinks.
4. Not saying what you need to say.
All those important words you have kept to yourself…
They are bottling up inside you!
Is it really possible to tell someone what you feel? Yes, it is. They won’t always understand, because even when they have heard you, they can’t feel exactly what you feel inside. But you still have to speak up, for your own peace of mind.
If you appreciate someone today, tell them. If you have something to say, say it now. Hearts are often confused and broken by words left unspoken. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love, your feelings, and your message to the world. Communicate on your own terms, with your own words, and get your thoughts out there.
And again, remember, no matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say. So just say what you need to say. In order to be fully expressed and free of regret, you must lose your fear of being judged. (Read Daring Greatly.)
5. Completely ignoring your passions and hobbies.
Some people frantically seek a defined state of success as though their entire self-worth depends on whether or not they make it to the top – of their company, industry, niche, etc. Their goals and efforts are wound tight around stringent routines that they repeat every single day of their lives, without stopping to breathe. And in the process, they forget about every other dimension of their life – the passions, hobbies, and activities that make them smile.
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.” With the modern 8-to-5 work schedule it’s so easy to trap yourself into doing what you don’t want to do for 40+ hours every week and then mindlessly wasting all your free time being lazy.
Sure you have responsibilities. And no, you won’t be able to do what you want to do every waking minute of your life. But you always have a choice to do more of what you really want to do – to work on something that matters to you – something that moves you and makes you smile. Make time for YOU too.
6. Not spending enough time smiling with the people you love.
When you don’t talk enough with your the people you love, there’s a lot of beautiful stuff that ends up not getting said. When you don’t spend enough time with the people you love, there’s a lot of beautiful emotion that ends up not being felt.
As we get older, social fun is often underrated. With all of our big responsibilities, socializing seems like an indulgence. It shouldn’t be. It should be a requirement. When your work life is busy, and all your energy is focused in that arena, it’s all too easy to find yourself off balance. While drive and focus is important, if you intend to maintain happiness and peace in your life you still need to balance in the soccer games, the family dinners, the intimate dates with your significant other, and the outings with your closest friends.
Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you have prioritized them into your schedule every day. (I’ve written about this extensively in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Afterthoughts
One day, many moons from now, you will find yourself close to the end, and thinking about the beginning.
TODAY is that beginning. TODAY is life. You’ve got to live it.
Live for what’s right. Live for what you believe in. Live for what’s important to you. Live for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you. Realize that today you’re lucky because you still have a chance. So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it now. There are only so many todays left.
Your turn…
Asking you a question like, “What will you regret most about today?” is an obvious way to end this post. But I want to flip your perspective instead. So tell me…
What’s one thing you CAN do today that you know you will NOT regret?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Zach Dischner
Katie - Conquering Fear Spiritually (CFS) says
I’m genuinely speechless. Thank you so much to both of you for the light and gifts you bring to this world.
I’m so grateful to you both- thank you.
Katie xx
Sunrise Guided says
And it’s OK to do it your way! You don’t need anyone’s permission! Thank you for an excellent article.
dalreen says
So simple and yet so true. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Vincent says
Thank you for sharing your grandmother’s words with us. I’m glad to say these 6 things are behind me, things that used to haunt me but not anymore.
To answer your end-question, I’d say working on my projects that provide the framework for long-term investments. I’m lying a lot of the groundwork right now and although there has been plenty of opportunities as a result, I know further in the future things will get even more exciting. I can’t imagine regretting any of this.
Nancy says
This is a good one!
I especially loved the quote from your grandmother; it’s full of life. I never got to spend a lot of time with my grandmother and grandfather which makes me a bit emotionally connected with the conversations that I have with other older people. That’s my part of the story.
I don’t love the word “regret.” It doesn’t give me a positive vibe. However, I lost a good friend recently because I spoke my mind and he misinterpreted it. I thought I might regret it, but from this I learned that I am responsible for what I speak, but not for what others understand. I find his decision harsh, but I am not going to judge it. Sometimes I feel speaking my mind has landed me in problems, but that will never change me. Truth may sound bitter, but it is the only way forward.
Nancy says
@Jeff: That’s a very good decision. The time you spend with your son will really count a lot and I am sure there will be many good memories. I have seen lots of parents at my workplace over the years miss this point, and by the time they understand, it’s too late.
Take care and enjoy:)
Patrik Edblad says
Take the next small step toward where my inner GPS is telling me to go.
“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.” ~ Edmund Burke
Beautiful article Marc, keep up the good work!
LL Chapman says
Putting my art first. Being in the creative process, growing and sharing with other artists feels so good! I will continue to trust, that no matter what the outcome, time spent creating art is time well spent. Art save lives.
Bella says
Perfect words for me today. I’ve been vacillating about a move across country. I know it’s a good move for me, but I’ve come up with a list of excuses as to why not to do it, because the thought of the move makes me very anxious. Well, if I don’t do it, I’ll regret it, so today I do one thing towards making that move. Tomorrow, another. And soon I’ll be where I want to be. Thanks for this article today!
Sandra Hamlett says
What I can do today is to take action instead of thinking about taking action.
Lisa says
So glad I found this blog. I have a tough phone interview ahead today, and I feel encouraged, less fearful after having read this, especially #1 and #2.
Thank you for an inspiring start this morning.
Marilyn says
I love to notice different aspects of Nature around me. Birds calling to each other; a field of wildflowers; seeds being scattered by the wind; my dog sitting in the backyard doorway enjoying the cool air.
I love to learn about how Nature works. Did you know that some sunflowers turn to face the sun as it moves across the sky?
carollee says
I will focus on improving my kindness to others today. I will also spend time with my hobbies~
Dan says
I was a little take aback with the title of this post. Normally your messages accentuate the positive, but this title is inherently negative. While the message really is awesome, I would suggest that it be retitled to: “6 Things to Conquer to Avoid Regretting Today”
Just my thoughts. Thanks for the great service you provide.
Chris says
A most excellent post, you continue knocking it out of the park, guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Davis says
Thanks for sharing the quote and story. It so great to know it came from so close to you.
I also like the question (I was also expecting a what do you regret question as well).
I am heading back to school in a week so going to make a list today of people I want to keep up with at home, people at school, and people I want to meet.
Eileen says
I will telephone a friend of mine who is batting cancer and dying. I haven’t phoned for awhile because she is still having cancer treatment, which makes conversation a struggle for us because we know she has little time. I would regret not talking to her and hearing than hearing that she has passed.
Joni says
Wonderful words and ones to hold dear. I have regrets at end of the day, but wish to reverse that course.
Today, I can call a dear friend and say, “I love you.”
Ramona says
I have been thinking about moving to the beach and later overseas with my two adoptive daughters. Today I will begin to seriously plan for the move.
Thanks for sharing.
Ramona
Mary Lynn says
I am a month out of cervical surgery and have been afraid to go back to swimming; today I will go to the pool. I am 66 and have been swimming for exercise since I was 27. Soooo what’s the big deal!
Francois says
Amazingly accurate, true and inspirational. Your words always come at the right time.
Kevin Cole says
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing the words of your grandmother. It’s always amazing to listen to the wisdom of the elderly.
I’d say I’ve got all six of these things straightened out in my life and don’t really worry about regret anymore.
But to answer your question: Working on my projects. Growing my blog. Connecting with amazing people like you guys. Writing an epic blog post. Helping a reader with a problem.
All of those things equate to a life of no regrets.
Bonnie says
Saying a prayer for all who are in need.
JoAnna says
I would regret not telling my kids how much I love them. But today, I will. Thank you both for bringing light and love into my life on the daily. God bless you both.
Michelle says
What a GREAT post Marc and Angel yet again and especially for a Monday!
I know that I can live today for myself and my son. I know that I can enjoy every breath of air today and know that I am thankful GOD has given me this day to make new.
I have learned that you can not live your life for someone else and hoping for what may or may not come.
In the end all we can do is praise GOD for each and every day and thank him for our countless blessings be it sometimes pain.
It is through the pain and tears that he helps us to discover our true selves and reminds us to trust in him.
Life is to short to live through regrets. We are never promised tomorrow.
Wads says
I will regret not forgiving myself for being to hard on myself in the past. It’s time now to be as compassionate to myself as I feel in my heart for others. So today I will begin to nurture my spirit more so I can continue to nurture others.
David Rapp says
A couple of thoughts:
1. What others think…especially work. If you had a perfect career, accomplished all you wanted, got all the rewards, enjoyed all the successes…2 weeks after you left you would be replaced and and soon forgotten.
Think of it this way, if you give 10 hours a day to work, 5 days a week, that is 50 hours. There are 168 hours in a week, so work is 30% of your time. Do you really want to let it dominate your life to the extent you are now?
Spending time with the ones you love and not saying what you need to say go hand in hand. I checked Facebook everyday last week, and 90% of the updates were trivial junk. Not one person said they loved someone else. So sad. We are becoming a culture that has substituted brevity for substance, tell me everything is 168 characters or less.
Don’t buy in…
Carol says
#4 focuses on saying good things like I love you. Unfortunately, sometimes we need the courage to say things that may hurt someone else for the sake of being true to ourselves. I recently got the courage to tell my husband that I want a divorce because our marriage has not been working or happy for years and caused me so much stress that I became someone else and lost myself. I felt trapped because I had stopped working and became financially dependent on my spouse and kept trying to make it work. I finally realized that I could not keep living through any more years of not being true to myself. Scary, but it’s risk I have to take which leads me to #2-move forward with optimism!!
Megan Pangan says
Number 4 is such a killer! Sometimes it’s hard to draw the line about what to say and what not say. I guess that comes with experience in that particular relationship. It’s a big mistake to think when we’re not saying anything we’re being good, but it’s incredibly debilitating to the relationship.
Todd @ Fearless Men says
Points 1 and 6 are so very important too me. I spent too much of my 20s busty my ass but not investing in what was most important, people that I loved and pursuing something rejuvenating.
BRC says
#2 “What you need to realize is that we all do things we desperately wish we could undo.”
This is a great point to remember. Thank you 🙂
Ed Aiken says
Thanks for sharing your experiences and knowledge. Thanks also for the reminder that today is a gift and we need to use our time wisely.
There is one thing that I can do today that I know I will not regret. It is to remind everyone that there is more to life than the short time we share here on Earth. God sent his son Jesus to us a long time ago to prove his great love for each of us. Jesus gave his life as a ransom to purchase your freedom and offer you forgiveness of your sins and new “abundant” life. This gift cannot be earned but is available to anyone who trusts in Jesus for their salvation. To die to self and follow Jesus is the best way to live life without regrets. (John 3:16-17)
Betsy says
The one thing I can do today that I will not regret is to love me, respect me, and be me.
Awesome words from your grandmother.
Wonderful post, and thank you.
Libby says
Lately when I’ve spent time with my family and friends, I have found my thoughts preoccupied with everything but the person in front of me. I have been letting my stresses disconnect me from the people I love the most. Then later I find myself wishing I had listened better and interacted more. But the moment is gone. Today, I’m going to go home from work, put aside the stresses of the day, and talk with my husband and kids without thinking about anything else.
Patti says
I’m going to read, write and draw today. I will share a laugh, move my body (maybe a long swim), and continue seeking meeting my primal needs.
Denise says
Thanks for sharing this, it was so appropriate for me to read today. My Mom passed away last year, leaving my Dad behind, he lives over 10 hours away from three of his daughters and the other one lives overseas. Tonight he cried on the phone to me with regrets of not having spent more time with us his family, of working long hours, of worrying about the future and the money that would be required, of not having had more fun, of not getting to know us and of not appreciating my mother more. It was such a sad phone call.
It is with eyes wide open that we realized how important it is to share with our family, to be there for each other, to talk, to love, to experience and to share. The one thing I do need to work on is expressing myself immediately, of complimenting others verbally instead of saying it in my mind and not out loud.
Thanks for the wake up call!
Melissa Webster says
@DavidRapp “We are becoming a culture that has substituted brevity for substance, tell me everything is 168 characters or less.”
This is so true. As a writer, it is especially heartbreaking. Gimmicks have also replaced substance, which really grates on my nerves and is one of my biggest pet peeves. One of my favorite quotes from a musician I interviewed was said by Mark of the band Negativland. He said, “The Internet has created a culture of mediocrity.” It’s like standing out from the crowd, going the extra mile, doing something beyond ordinary, or merely giving substance to something shallow is avoided and looked down upon. I really don’t get it.
I have been criticized and judged for putting too much depth and nuance into my communications with people, as if expecting reading comprehension skills in people is grounds for contempt and it’s my own fault for not conforming, to the point I actually found myself scaling back and struggling to get a point across and say what I needed to say. It felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells worrying about how it would be received and judged. And I was constantly apologizing. Finally, recently, I just thought “f**k this” and decided to say what I wanted to say, how I needed to say it, and on my own terms. It finally dawned on me that other people’s reactions to it were not my problem or my responsibility. It was a truly liberating moment.
It felt good to be myself again, without the constraints of worrying about other people’s opinions of me. I was so worried about regretting the loss of friendship and reputation and/or opportunity that I turned over all my personal power to people who, in the end, weren’t even relevant to my happiness or my future.
This epiphany really became clear when I realized the happiest moments in my life, those amazing moments of magic and joy and progress always occurred when I trusted my instincts and followed my heart and just let things unfold however they were going to unfold, and didn’t let my head and fear get in the way. It had been way too long.
So now I’m once again letting my instincts take me wherever they’re gonna take me, so I can once again happily experience being “the right person, at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing on point.” The moment I allowed that mindset back into my life, that exact thing happened just this weekend, and new, exciting possibilities laid themselves before me. It’s amazing how life works like that.
Thank you Marc and Angel. Your advice is really inspiring and came at the perfect time. The one thing I can do today I won’t regret is to trust the universe, my instincts, my gut, that internal compass that feels peaceful and right… to point me in the direction of good and happiness in my life. I’ll also start repeating to myself every day this one mantra “I am surrounded by reciprocated, requited love and acceptance.”
Varsha says
All these 31 years I have been trying to impress others and doing things so that they will not be hurt…But now I am starting to do things that I like..
I do not still have the courage to pursue my hobbies or take time for myself or even watch a favorite movie… Just doing a lot and lot for my family and putting myself in the last… Another inspiring post.. Whenever I feel low this site is the first place I stop and read just to make me relax and have a better way to think…
May God bless you for all the encouragement you are giving to so many people… Thanks a ton…
lovingmomma says
I have always loved reading positive words to lift one up, however, now that I am older it is hard for me to see such words as helpful or uplifting anymore. I am 50+ years old and the logic in my brain has taken over….GRRRR!! I am in a job that I do not like but have to keep for the benefits, which are pretty good by todays standards. Why is it that I have to become responsible and worry about things like job stability and benefits?
This article says to “trust your instincts”, well, I’m trying but it is so hard for me. What I do (in my FT job) is sit at a desk and computer all day and that just does not sit well with my personality but, I get up and do it 5 days a week, every week and have for over 6 years. I care for people in their homes PT and THAT I love. The pay is horrible and there are no medical benefits of any kind but that is what I enjoy doing. Building relationships, helping others and enjoying!!! I guess I have waited too long to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I do know that my FT job will be one I can do when I’m 80 should I have to. My PT job is more physical and can be hard sometimes but my love for it keeps me going!!
I sometimes just feel like I’ve missed the boat and will have to do what I “need” to be doing rather than doing what I “want” to do.
Shannon says
Before I started reading I thought I would pick one thing from the list that resonated with me the strongest. I didn’t though–they were all really important things! Today, the one thing I can do that I will NOT regret is taking time out from work to help my daughter move and working later tonight instead. We just don’t get time with our most important peeps back but the work will ALWAYS be there. Thank you for a great post. The lines from your grandma’s journal? Awesome.
rEydan says
I am speechless! Thank you so much!
Keep inspiring!
ANDREW says
Sometimes we let our busy schedules overwhelm us to the point where we are simply going through the motions over and over again like a machine. This leads to regret.
Kimberly says
I wish I had a small, lamented card of this so I could put it in the visor of my car. I’d like to see it every morning when I drive to work.
Cynthia says
I know I will not regret going to Truro tomorrow.
Bernadette says
The words from your grandmother are beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Bernadette 🙂
Edward says
I’m very grateful to both of you for these daily blocks of wisdom. You’ve made my life easier. Living each day to the fullest. Thanks in advance.
Moe says
Bringing a smile to somebody, priceless. Always inspiring, thanks guys.
David Richards says
This site is truly a blessing.
I thank you both for your time and effort and wish you both all the best for the now and the future.
Peace, Love and Blessings
NAMASTE
Peter Wright says
My mother is almost 90, has overcome huge adversity and says much the same as your grandmother did.
I needed to read a post like this today, thank you.
What I am going to do today that I won’t regret is to spend an extra 30 minutes learning to master the F chord on my guitar.
At 63, after a lifetime of being unable to play a musical instrument I bought a guitar few months ago. For me it’s a bigger challenge than training for ultra-marathons was, but I am persevering.
Thanks again.