The unhappiest people in this world are the people who
care the most about what everyone else thinks.
“What’s wrong with wanting to please others?”
That’s what several people asked me via email in response to one of my recent articles. Today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to try to please everyone, and how to stop yourself from doing so.
Seeking approval from others is perfectly fine up until the point where you are compromising your health and happiness in the process. It becomes a serious problem if you feel as though widespread positive approval from others is the very oxygen you need to breathe. There was a time in my life when I felt exactly this way.
I literally felt like I was short of breath – almost as if I’d die if my peers didn’t approve of me. This is a condition that developed in my mind when I was very young, after kids in grade school teased me for being a “nerd.” I did everything I could to win their approval. And although I grew out of my awkward stage pretty early in my teenage years, the damage was done – I was left feeling insecure. I was conditioned to seek and beg for outside approval at all times.
The big problem was that, as a twenty-something college graduate entering the work force, I felt that anything I did or even thought only had validity if it was the “right thing” to say and think. And by “right thing,” what I really mean is “what other people thought was right.” I was terrified to step outside the box of acceptability – which was especially harmful to my creativity as I tried to nurture my passion for writing and blogging.
Once I realized what I was doing, I read several books, spoke with a coach, and focused diligently on healing this broken part of myself.
The bottom line is that constant approval-seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas and desires. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live.
So how can you stop fearing what everyone thinks of you? Let’s take a look:
1. Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.
When I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough. I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t. Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it. So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.
Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved. How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway. They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.
So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” and “Relationships” chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.”)
2. Know that most people are NOT thinking about you anyway.
Ethel Barrett once said, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Forget what everyone else thinks of you; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway. If you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination. It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion. It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.
3. Accept that someone else’s opinion is NOT your problem.
How many times have you looked at a person and initially misjudged their brilliance? Appearances are deceptive. How you seem to someone and how you actually are rarely congruent. Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle. What someone thinks of you will rarely contain the whole truth, which is fine.
If someone forms an opinion of you based on superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions based on a more objective and rational viewpoint. Leave it to them to worry about – that is, if they even have an opinion at all.
Bottom line: The opinions other people have about you is their problem, not yours. The less you worry about what they think of you, the less complicated your life becomes. (Read The Four Agreements.)
4. Ask yourself, “Does what they think even matter?”
People will think what they want to think. No matter how carefully you choose your words and mannerisms, there’s always a good chance they’ll be misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone. Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? No, it doesn’t.
How others see you is not important. How you see yourself means the world. When you’re making big decisions, remember, what you think of yourself and your life is more important than what people think of you. Stay true to YOU. Never be ashamed of doing what feels right. Decide what you think is right and stick to it.
5. See the benefit in being unique.
If you’re thinking like everyone else, you aren’t thinking. And if you aren’t thinking, you aren’t truly living.
It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to – perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity – especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin. But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside. Why? Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality – the qualities that make them unique. To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves.
We all have quirks and unique perspectives. The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
6. Be fully present and aware of how you DO want to feel.
It’s OK to know how you do not want to feel, but that’s not all you should be thinking about. Imagine someone trying to learn to read by spending all their time focusing on how they do not want to not be able to read. It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?
Enough is enough! Forget what you do not want to feel for a moment. Work out how you DO want to feel right now in the present moment. Train yourself to live right here, right now without regretting how others once made you feel, or fearing the possibility of future judgment.
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on your mom in public, you’d be 100% focused and present. You wouldn’t be thinking about what bystanders thought of your hair, your body type, or the brand of jeans you were wearing. All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness. The intensity of the situation would motivate you to choose not to care about what others might be thinking of you. This proves, quite simply, that thinking about what others are thinking about you is YOUR CHOICE.
7. Speak and live your truth.
Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say. Push your concerns of what others might think aside. Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally. What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all. And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you.
Think about it. Why be fake?
In the end, the truth usually comes out one way or the other, and when that happens, you’re standing alone if you’ve been living a lie. So live your whole truth starting now. If someone gives you a hard time and says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not a bad thing. It just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
Afterthoughts
A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who, perhaps, are incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “the right thing,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.
Do more than just exist. We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what I wanted for myself. So I made changes – I implemented all seven of the points discussed in this article and never looked back. If you are in the same place I once was, seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do, please take this post to heart and start making changes today. Life is too short not to.
Your turn…
How has the fear of what other people think interfered with your life? What has it stopped you from doing? How have you coped? Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Zev
Sams says
Great post. It’s really about being nice to others, wholeheartedly, without needing their approval be happy in life.
Lisa Jochim says
I have a blog.. It’s called Americangirlinholland.blogspot. When I started it I started it for me and for my family and friends. Somehow it’s taken off… no money but a nice little following around the world. But sometimes I think people wish I would just shut up but then have others begging me not to stop as they will never get to do some of the fun things I’m sharing.. so on I write… and I always try to remember.. I do it for me! Staying true to myself. Thank you so much for your blog. I stop by daily for inspiration!
Moe says
Another masterpiece… I loved this article.
Mohammed Riyas says
Wonderful post. Instead of thinking about what others will think all the time, it’s time we start checking in with ourselves.
Mathias says
Gotta love point #5 about being unique;
Quite a lot of people (the old me included), seem to be trying to hide in the numbers of the crowd, assuming that if they don’t stand out, they won’t be seen or judged. They do their best to act, look and be like everybody else, thinking that their conformity will spare them the judgment of others.
This strategy is simply ridiculous; it’s doomed to fail, and you will only be judged the harder for not having any individuality or backbone. (And if you actually did manage to become invisible to the judgment of others, it would be even worse; you’d be virtually ignored by the world, and you would live a life constantly fearing that someone might eventually spot you and pass judgement).
Better to throw yourself out there and be judged for what you really are, than to hide and only have others see your outer, boring shell.
Kim says
Gabi,
The next time your sister does that, look at her with a puzzled, sympathetic look and say, “Hmm, you must be so unhappy.” and walk away. She might be so surprised and embarrassed, she says nothing further. But if she pursues you, and tries to argue with you, let her rant on while you have a bored expression on your face, and then say, “I see.” in a bored voice, and walk away. She’ll quit bothering you because you’re not reacting and staying cool and calm and it makes her look foolish.
Theresa says
The very first word I can say right now is WOWWWW!!!!!! I can’t even begin to express how I believe this article was written for me!!! Every single point, every behavior, every thought is how I live my life…actually as the article said…I’m not actually “living”!! I base my entire life on what others think of me & I base my self worth on what others think of me!! I live in fear of making mistakes and being ridiculed & talked about all the while the person that I really am is dying inside and can’t show the talents, dreams, hopes, etc. that are buried deep that I KNOW I’m capable of!!!
My life-long dream…to be a singer…cannot bring myself to do it because I live in fear of messing up & being made fun of even though I’ve been told by people who have heard me sing that I NEED to do something with my voice!! Thank you for writing this…you just may have helped turn this woman’s life right around for the better!!! I just happen to “stumble” across this on Facebook this morning & this is something I’ve been struggling with GREATLY recently….meant to be I saw this today???….NO DOUBT in my mind!
Gratefully and humbly blessed, Theresa.
Divorced Kat says
I was terrified to tell people that my marriage was on the rocks, and then even more scared to admit we were divorcing. I was shocked that people were not the judgmental jerks I was expecting — quite the opposite. I received a lot of support and no one questioned my decisions. Even though I was scared of gossip and others’ opinions, I did the right thing by getting divorced.
Steve says
…”attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside. Why? Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality – the qualities that make them unique. To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, “…
Great way to frame this concept! Kinda puts the whole Nike/Michael Jordan “Be Like Mike” marketing pitch in a new unhealthy light.
Larry Hochman says
I love and am 100% for each of these methods. I’d like to add one that is often either neglected or misunderstood…
Each of us is part of the grand design of life. We belong to something and/or someone. If you want to call it God, or infinite intelligence, or the Universe, or the Divine plan…I think the name is less important that the presence. But when you realize you were SUPPOSED to show up, and your presence influences, dignifies and honors those around you – faults and all – it gets kinda hard to worry too much about what folks are thinking. 🙂
J E says
I really like this post. And I see you have a book. I’m all over it!
Sofia says
Great tips, can definitely relate to all of them, especially love no 2!
Life Explorer says
I always find it so important how people think about me, as a youngin I was really insecure, now when I walk through a street, i’m looking for people who are looking or staring at me, waiting for them too judge with their minds. But I guess its my imagination, scared of what people think of me. It’s time to let that go and enjoy myself, all that stressing about what other people think of me is over.
Thank you for this amazing article, you guys always enlighten me in times of need.
Gav says
Thank you for this beautiful post. I always worry so much about whether others like me or not, that I often let myself be stepped on, used, and become worn down. I have to learn to be myself and set my limits. It’s a work in progress, but it helps to see things from this different perspective!
Toni says
Thank you for those words of wisdom, I needed them. It’s hard to move if you fear you’re going to be judged about everything. I have moved anyway, but I have cared too long and for all the wrong reasons what others thought of me… It held me in chains of fear. I recently stop being friends with someone because they needed to be the center of attention and always allowed their children to disrespect me and lie to me. Well that had to end – I will not accept that selfishness and disrespect from anyone. That weight is gone and I feel better. My children haven’t enjoyed being around her kids in years, that should have been a clue to me. Finding my voice and living as ME has got to be the only choice for my personal freedom. I don’t want anyone ever trying to take that freedom away from me. Simply, I’m not going to question and second guess myself just because a friend is not comfortable with the “new and better” me. Great message of encouragement. Thanks!
Alexander says
The first two people a child wants to please are its parents. I think the kind of sensibility about what peers or other think of the child depends on how the parents show their appreciation of what the child accomplishes or what it is not accomplishing. The parent teaches the child how to cope with success or failure. If the parents are themselves embarrassed about failures for the child, the child will learn this behavior. When the parent is taking a failure of the child as a challenge, it also will not matter to the child, overly, what others are thinking.
Marc Chernoff says
@Christy King: Agreed. As I stated above, that why our mantra should be: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.”
@ JoAnne: It’s inspiring to hear that these words are being used as daily reminders. Thanks for putting us up on your bulletin board. 😉
@Nila Sweeney: Sounds like you’ve made a miraculous turnaround. Congrats.
@Heather D: I hit that same wall and made that same decision many moons ago. Good for you.
@Matthew Palka: I read it and loved it! =)
@Vishal: Congrats on starting your blog. Write for YOU. Write the words that help you think and grow -the ones that move you.
@Stephanie: Good decision. Not only is pleasing everyone a waste, it’s totally impossible. Good luck with the next step.
@All: As always, thanks so much for sharing your insight. Angel and I are about to catch a flight, but I’ll jump back online soon and respond to more comments. For now, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, which is a perfect companion to this article:
“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.”
?Frederick Douglass
Saunia says
This is a wonderful article. I know way too many people who think they have to please others and live up to everyone else’s expectations. It’s so important in life to do what you want, not what others think you should do and what you think others want you to do. Do what you think is best for you and your life. #hatersgonnahate
Stan says
I too, as many of you, have been always looking for the approval of others. It’s really hard with family, and in the workplace. I was lucky for 33 years to have had good jobs and great bosses to work for, but for the last 8 years I have been in an atmosphere that is slow (if at all) to praise and quick to punish for even the smallest thing. It’s a very sad way to earn a living, but I take comfort that I will be retiring in 17 months! An odd kind of perk is that I have learned I need to do my best, but give up worrying about others. I can’t give more than my best. At the end of the day, what I feel about myself means more than what anyone else thinks about me. Maybe this job was a blessing in disguise to teach me this.
Giselle says
I wish you’d included something about fearing what family members think. I dated someone who was so ruled by what his parents and siblings thought that it prevented him from living an authentic life.
Marc Chernoff says
@John: Every piece of advice has its exceptions. In the workplace there are situations where you must follow a certain set of rules wherein the opinions of others will matter for your career development. But that doesn’t mean you have to BE someone you aren’t. The key is to align your career path with your values and the results you want for yourself.
@Vicki o: Again, if you aren’t hurting anyone else, I believe you can walk your own path with minimal interference from others. But you should be aware of how your actions affect others. For the most part, I agree with your sentiments.
@Giselle: Great idea. We will add this to our idea file for future posts.
@All: Angel and I just finished reading all of your comments for this post. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your ideas with us. Now it’s time to put the finishing touches on my latest article… look for it soon.
usha says
Wow! Excellent article! Thank you so much.
TJ says
As i flow deeper in my creative endeavors certain people have dropped off. Typically judgemental cynical types and that is okay. I am big on how people leave me feeling, as we get older we re-meet these “familiar spirits”. So based on that I may decide if I need to even full engage certain people, but I try and give people a real chance, bc I don’t want to be cynical by acting like I have seen it all. Sometimes people surprise me and it keeps me grounded and it is comforting to know that I do not know or have seen it all.
Carole says
The Four Agreements, yeah! So simple, so basic and yet so profound. Completely changed my perception of life and the way we live it.
AJC says
I have been stuggling with this for so long! I hope each time I read this post I will be encouraged. To finally be independent of my biggest worries. Now that I have allowed it to control many of my relationships, I have to take control. For so long I have tried to be so careful. …. Don’t say something that may hurt someone, always encourage others, openly thank everyone for their help and friendship, fearful that I may offend anyone at any moment by a simple word or comment,,,, that my own feelings have been compromised. I have people in my life that are always pointing out my insecurities and worries . My flaws are the focus of the conversation, forgetting that we are all perfect in our own way. I regret that I have become this way … careful replaced with fear ande nervousness. I thank you for writing this post. I no longer feel alone in my struggle.
Tope says
I want to say a big thank you to Marc and Angel for your timeless and inspiring posts, and to everyone who commented on this post, you are really doing a great job. I was an addicted people pleaser, always seeking approval from people, and like you said it’s a waste of time and often drains one of life itself. It feels good to know that ‘those that matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter’.
Abubeker says
What else can I say except “thank you.”
Belinda says
Thank you for the awesome article. You will never be you if you’re always concerned about what other people think about you. 🙂
Charl says
Loved this piece!
I’m awful at what people think of me and always have done. Entering into my 40th year and this has plagued me for majority of my life. Effected friendships/relationships and my direction in life.ive decided now is the time to work at ridding this from my life. Would never want my kids to pick up this habit. So bad that I’ve organised a party and so worried that no one will turn up, anyone who does turn up won’t enjoy themselves and also don’t gave many “real ” friends to invite. Wish I hadn’t bothered! What I really want to feel is “yay I’m gonna have my nearest and dearest with me for a few hours of laughter and celebration!”
Thus is my year – I’m gonna make a change!
Jack says
I have gone through quite a tumultuous time over the last 18 months dealing with a severe physical assault, another attempted sexual assault and a divorce, and then an employment layoff. After being laid off from my job with a severance package, I took sometime to travel and get away before securing employment. I actually enjoyed this time and focused on who I am and what I want going forward. As is often with divorces, I didn’t travel in the same social circles as much, but whenever I returned home I would often only see old friends when they wanted to relay what was being said about me. This hurt me a lot because, I was very proud of my decision to leave a destructive relationship and instead of my friends being there for me, they all just judged me and made comments about my character under the guise of being worried about me. I spent a lot of time worrying about what they thought until I finally decided that they don’t deserve to effect my life in this way any more. I certainly found out who my real friends are during this period, but it is still tough to lose closeness with people and then on top of that, have them make negative comments about you when you are going through a very difficult period. I really enjoy this website and it has helped me dearly.
Vincent Parker says
Amazing post. I’ve struggled with this myself and honestly still do to an extent. It’s OK, self improvement is fun!
It’s really true that people really aren’t thinking of you as much as you think of yourself. And truth be told, whether they are or not is their own business, not ours.
It’s hard giving yourself permission to be you. Especially if it’s been beaten into you from a young age that you are not… up to par?
But it’s so liberating loving yourself. Relationships are fuller, more meaningful and longer lasting.
I think Mark Twain said something like, If you always tell the truth you never have to remember anything. That applies to telling the truth about yourself. In other words, being yourself.
It can be a difficult path. For sure. Old habits die hard. Your list is spot on, though.
Thanks for the post! Funny how things come along sometimes at just the right time. (I know, I’m half a year late to the party. Still, read it when I needed it.)
Vince
ManWithHands says
Notes to myself …..
Don’t speak so loudly ….volume does not make you correct nor interesting , just annoying .
Leave space between your thoughts , sentences and even your words…..all things ….that are allowed to breath , do better .
Shut your mouth ……and be amazing . Nothing SPEAKS so loudly as silence and action .
Terseness is energy contained . Explanation is energy given ….YOU are ENERGY ….is the value of YOU …..valued by those you give to? You …DO NOT!!!….OWE…. everyone an explanation…..not by any stretch of the imagination .
Carla says
I had this post bookmarked for the longest time. I finally read it today and it has motivated me to become a more confident person. As of the moment I was having trouble telling someone that I do not like them or want them in my life. I just didn’t want to be mean, but like you said, I have been fake. I need to move beyond this relationship.
Mr T says
This makes me feel better and strong about the decisions that I have to make. I am done trying to please the whole world at my emotions expense. While they are pleased with what thet want I am left alone suffering emotionally and crying. Its time for change. Marc & Angel. Thank you very much. You have no idea how you have just changed my life.
S says
Will try this!!!
Fear of judgement has stopped me basically from being happy. It has made me be very insecure, so insecure that I can’t event date a guy because I fear of what people might think of me. It also has stopped from doing stuff I love to do like dancing. Even up to the clothes I wear. It sad that it has taken over my life but I try to fight it everyday and I think I’m making progress . Not fully recovered but taking baby steps to reach this goal! Pleasing everyone is impossible and I have come to learn that it’s my life and my happiness not theirs.
Janelle says
I love this article. I have been living in fear for 4 years now. I had a traumatic event happen in 2010 and went from super confident, not caring what others thought at all, to now..being self conscious, paranoid about people looking at me and judging, and its a horrible way to live! That’s a fact. So, this is really helping me! I know its all in my head consciously, but its hard to turn off the paranoia of it all. Esp. when you’ve trained yourself for 4 years to live in fear and worry and focus on all the negative and what others want from me. So..its gonna take time also to train myself to not worry and fear what others think about me. But, I’ll get there! Thanks for this help!
Lucia says
Your article really hit a nerve. I have been searching for this all my life, you have put it so simply and yet it has registered so deeply.
I have lived in chronic fear and anxiety all my life. My childhood was filled with fear, anxiety, emotional and physical cruelty and isolation. I learned to please my parents in a desperate attempt to get some kind of love and acceptance which never came. In my young adult life I let them continue treating me in a way that was totally unacceptable, I made sure I was there for them but could never speak up to them, I was petrified of the consequences. So many awful things happened to me that shouldn’t have because they never had ‘my back’ so to speak, there was no one to protect me. Eventually I developed severe panic attacks, agoraphobia for years and had a constant lump in my throat that affected me wanting to eat, developed insomnia and health issues. When I tried one day to explain to them how much I was suffering ( this took immense courage) and asked if we could all work together to create a happier situation I was persecuted and disowned, that was 22 years ago, they never spoke to me again, they moved 2000 kms away and turned my siblings and family friends against me, I have no family to speak of which has saddened me greatly.
Did I realise what I was doing at the time, no. I then proceeded to become even more of a people pleaser with my own family, in-laws and friends. I had been abandoned by my own flesh and blood and I was convinced that ‘ I was not good enough’, how could I be, my own parents didn’t love or want me. Time to work even harder, perfectionism was a good way of showing everyone a perfect look, a perfect home, perfect life. On the outside no one ever suspected, I did such a good job. Meanwhile I couldn’t leave the house unless I was with my husband, cried all the time, no one even cared or missed me, I missed out on all my children activities because I couldn’t go, I was isolated and alone. Now my children are young adults, I have bent over backwards for them, cleaned, cooked, paid for most things, supported them emotionally, had them living with me over and over. Did they do anything for me, no way. Did I ask, no way. Have they used and abused me, yes indeed.
They have all left now but still cause great heartache, I am to blame for all their problems, but I am also expected to fix them. I’m sorry for the lengthy story but I want to drive home to others the damage that is done to ourselves and our loved ones by feeling that we have to please others to be loved and accepted as human beings. I believed that by doing what I did I was loving them unconditionally. I had no idea what I was doing and no one explained this to me, so please stop as it only destroys our life. I look back and deeply regret the quality of life I missed out on. Right now I feel that I have lost everything. The close happy family I thought I was creating is far from it. I hope this helps someone because this is not living.
Lindsey says
This type of fear has its roots in childhood, usually a childhood with too much conflict, rejection and fear; however to get over a severe fear about what others think of one, I’ve found that it is necessary to go back into the deep feelings that are stored at a cellular level in the body; otherwise it’s just trying to intellectualize oneself out of the fear, and the fear has a life of its own, (it can even feel like “life or death” to us if someone doesn’t approve of us, or if someone is judging us.)
Try a method called “The Journey” by Brandon Bays. I found this method to be really helpful to go back and feel and then let go of fears that have their roots in childhood.
best wishes
Ulee says
This article really made me think, now I will ask her out. Time to live life without fear.
Jason says
I am currently undergoing the change from existing to living. Thank you for this article as it will remain favourited and perused many times after I post this comment. Keep making a difference in other’s lives Sir, for you do it well and it really does wonders!
Namaste,
Jason
Ms Bibi says
Oh my goodness, whilst reading this amazing piece something dawned upon me. My own family invariably seemed to be dissatisfied with me when I was in a relationship with a partner who was either successful or strong willed, but if my partner was weaker and more malleable they were noticeably happier! Sadly I was affected by this and made decisions based more on what was expected of me than what I am seeing now to be what I actually wanted myself. I’m left cold and saddened 🙁
k.aussie says
real nice blog… love you guys. keep it up!
Ken says
Great article, I guess I was meant to stumble upon on it, because I have been living a life of pleasing everyone and needing their approval for some years now. I’ve also thrown away many opportunities in life because I was worried what other people thought of me. It’s taking a toll on me, I’ve gotten to the point that I have anxiety issues and anger issues, lashing out at the people who are there for me the most, my wife and two kids. I need to start today and turn my life around and I thank you for this article, I feel I found it for a reason.
Shweta says
Thanks for changing my world!!! 🙂
Sanket says
Great article. Thanks Marc and Angel.
Like other commentators, I too suffered from the people pleasing disease. And its not pretty when this eats into your college life. I joined college 3 months ago. I guess I am a bit lucky to realize the importance of doing what you want to at an early age because I haven’t made any life changing decisions…. Yet I had this problem since school days. But never in a group because i just didn’t have to time to think about others. But when i was alone, i was Always the one to work for others just so they think I am nice. Always being the one to say yes to everything. Eventually testosterone kicked in and I got mad for doing stuff like that at home. But when I was back in school it happened all over again. In fact it got to such a point that I avoided doing things that was different from what my peers did. I live in a hostel with 300+ boys now . Even here , I never did things that I wanted to do just so I could be normal like them and avoid paranoia from eating me.
#1, #2, #3 and #4 is definitely the key to my problem. Its only been a day but I think I am happier . I plan on reading this everyday till it gets carved into my personality
This is one of the few times that I have posted a comment. Numerous times while typing I thought about what people might think about it like Marc faced when he started writing articles. But then that’s exactly why people like us read the article… To let go of this insecurity and have a better social life.
Thanks again for the absolutely amazing post.
Sohini says
I have recently graduated and I’ve been worried about the kind of job that I need to be doing. I rejected two job offers (both for content writing) worrying about what others would say, given that I have a degree in business studies and should do something related to that.
I also worried about what my career path would be if I took up those jobs, and after talking to a lot of people, decided not to go for it. I don’t know whether I regret the decision, but I now realize that worrying about everything and everyone leads you nowhere. I’m worried to the point that I make anonymous posts everywhere, not wanting people to know that it’s ME that has been confused for so long and writes random queries on random websites.
I only wish to become confident enough to stop thinking about what everyone else (including my family) expects of me.
Don says
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful words. For years I’ve made myself humble to the thougtts of others. In my business connecting with people is key to my success and theirs quite honestly. I worry less believe it or not about what strangers think then what close family and friends think. Silly isn’t it because I know these people respect and love me. I really didn’t know how serious this phobia was to me until later in life. Your insights helped me explore my feelings in-depth and when I did my emotions kept rising to the surface. Don, repeat after yourself, “I like myself. I like myself. I like myself” to reinforce and strengthen my self-image. Thanks man I appreciate you
Maria says
This article is a really great amazing one!! I have been for a long time this kind of person you are talking about and despite knowing that this is a thing killing creativity, being unique and my real personality, I could never succeed in getting rid of these thoughts. But this article is so helpful 🙂 Really, thank you.
claire says
Wonderful article….i have social phobia and one of my biggest problem is fitting in with others. Ive dropped out of university twice because of extreme fear for social situations. I realised i had a problem during a discussion group when i was to asked to give an idea on how to answer a particular question but the words just got stuck in my throat. I didnt go back but this year i went back and i’m gonna try harder. After reading this…i’m gonna take baby steps to endeavour to just be myself,let go and be free.
Raj Sangha says
Thank You!!!! I was struggling today and reading your article made it all so much clearer. Thank you soooooo much!!!