Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown. Do little things daily to show your loved ones you care.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on a park bench in the early afternoon when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the car stereo. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced to a song under the oak tree. It was such a beautiful moment to witness.
This morning when I opened my laptop to write, the elderly couple immediately came to mind. I spent a few minutes daydreaming about them, wondering how long they had been together and what their best relationship advice would be. And just as I caught my mind wandering even further off, a new email from a reader named Cory popped up in my inbox. The first line of the email was a question: “Any good old-fashioned advice for strengthening our relationships?”
The synchronicity of my daydreaming and Cory’s question made me smile. So in honor of that beautiful elderly couple, and in service of Cory’s relationship inquiry, here are some old-fashioned habits we can practice bringing back into our relationships, gradually starting today:
1. Spend quality time together with no major agenda and no technology.
Put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face the old fashioned way. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary just by doing them with the right people. So choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.
Don’t wait to make big plans either. Make your undistracted time together the plan. Communicate openly on a regular basis. Get together in the flesh as often as possible. Not because it’s convenient to do so, but because you know each other are worth the extra effort.
2. Be fully present when you’re in the presence of others.
One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone. And the only way to let your loved ones know this, is to show them when you’re with them. In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention — your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.
So keep in mind that your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Give them the gift of YOU starting today — your time, undivided attention, and kindness. That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered. (Read “A Return to Love”.)
3. Express your sincere appreciation for loved ones every chance you get.
No matter how sure you are of someone’s appreciation and admiration, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. So if you appreciate someone today, tell them. Just because they are super reliable and always there when you need them, doesn’t mean you should fail to give thanks and appreciation on a regular basis. To value someone too lightly is to risk missing the depth of their goodness before they’re gone.
Sadly, it is often only when we are tragically reminded of how short life is — when someone we love dies — that we start to appreciate the importance of expressing our love openly. Let this lesson sink in now. Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell the people you love how much you appreciate them.
4. Work together and help each other grow.
There is no soul mate or best friend out there who will solve all your problems. There is no love at first sight that lasts without work and commitment. There are, however, people out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you — you compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your souls to unite and operate more efficiently as one…
You will know when you meet one of these people, when through them you meet the very best in yourself.
5. Focus on inner beauty.
When you get to really know someone, most of their prominent physical characteristics vanish in your mind. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize their scent, and appreciate their wit. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.
That’s why you can’t fall in love with physical beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, or want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body for a little while, but not your heart in the long-term. Thus, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, most physical imperfections become irrelevant.
6. Tell the truth.
Too many prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. And lying is a cumulative process too, so be careful…
What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into an mounting false reality. We lie to one another, but even more so we lie to ourselves most often to protect our oh-so-fragile ego. We may even be inclined to lie to ourselves while reading this, not wanting to admit how often we have eluded the truth. (Read “The Four Agreements”.)
7. Apologize when you know you should.
Take personal responsibility for your wrong doings. If you know your actions or words have hurt someone you care about, immediately admit your faults and face the reality of your actions. Sincere apologies are the super glue of lasting relationships.
And do make sure your apology is sincere too. Say it and mean it. Don’t bother apologizing if you’re just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for. Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Excuses are not apologies.
8. Work out your relationship issues with each other, not with others.
This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: Don’t post negatively about a loved one on social media. 14-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.
Furthermore, relationships don’t always make perfect sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
9. Be a force of positivity and encouragement.
Elevate your inner game. A negative attitude is way below your horizon!
Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes. It makes a big difference in your life and the lives around you when you stay reasonably focused on the positive. And remember, being positive does not mean ignoring the negative — being positive means overcoming the negative. There is a big difference between the two.
So encourage the best possible results with your thoughts, words, and deeds every chance you get. And teach this philosophy to those around you too. Help them see the light.
10. Over-deliver on your promises.
Be committed. Commitment means staying devoted, and keeping your promises long after the time and mood you made the promises in has left you. Doing so is vital to your relationships and long-term success in every imaginable walk of life.
In other words, don’t just say it, show it. Don’t just promise it, prove it. Over-deliver on all your promises! Supply more than what’s required. Or as Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.” Whenever you can, go out of your way and do something nice and unexpected for the people in your life, especially those who are in no position to repay you anytime soon.
11. Be loyal.
Stand by those you care about in their darkest moments, not because you want to stand in the dark, but because you don’t want them to either. Brave the shadows alongside them until they’re able to find the light. On the flip-side, stand by these same people on their sunniest days, not because you want to scorch your skin, but because you’re not afraid to let them shine bright.
Bottom line: Be loyal. Remaining faithful in your relationships is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty means the world to the people who love you. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to reflect on relationship habits above, and to start practicing them. Also, it’s a perfect time to reflect on your most recent birthday celebrations and gift-exchanging holidays, and the fact that as you grow older and wiser, your gift wish lists keep getting smaller and smaller, because the things you really want and need — time, genuine relationships, meaningful moments, and peace of mind — can’t be bought. So do your best to connect with the people you love the old-fashioned way, and bring more meaning into your life in the days and weeks ahead.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this article. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the relationship habits or points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Paul says
I love it! Old-fashioned, respectful ways of treating the people who matter to you.
I’ll add: Help them grow. Work with them to learn and explore. Share in each other’s development.
DEBBIE says
I like what you added. Good tips.
Frances says
This line in your lovely article rang a real bell with me: “ Stand by those you care about in their darkest moments, not because you want to stand in the dark, but because you don’t want them to either.”Because my husband made a mistake early in our relationship, I’ve never forgotten it and silently hold it over his head. I don’t want to stand in the dark any longer. Thank you for the reminder.
Kamlesh says
I loved the part.
You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours.
This is so deep… I was drowned
Trisha Ray says
Yes, that absolutely touched my soul.
Vanessa W McCou says
I totally loved your article. I completely agree with you and hope and pray more people see it and go back to good old ways of cherishing one another…regardless of the relationship. Thanks for such a beautiful piece.
Robin Garrison says
I enjoyed reading what I truly believe in! Thanks for putting it in writing in such an eloquent way. It also reminded me, what not to forget to do and to be like. My soulmate and I have been together 40 years and married 33 years. I feel even when we have had rough spots , these old fashioned ways helped keep our relationship going. It’s the simple things in life that are really the best and most rewarding.
Vera says
Wonderful article I loved reading it!
Dee Dee says
Great points here! Also, eat meals together on a regular basis. Too often the children eat in their bedrooms, the wife in the family room and the husband in his man cave. It’s so important for family to eat together and spend time talking about what’s going on with each other. Turn off the TV and do not bring cell phones and iPads to the table.
Kristen says
These relationship tips are terrific! I am a couple’s coach and will bring some of your ideas into the sessions I have this coming week with people struggling in their relationships. Keep up the good work. You are helping so many!
PS: I, too, loved The Four Agreements. And I’ll have to check out your 1,000 Little Things book now as well. Have a great one!
dave says
Before we got married, I tried to ask as many people as I knew who had been happily married for a long time, what advice could they give to newlyweds. The answer that impressed me the most was from a family friend named Leon:
“Treat each other every day like you are trying to get her/him to marry you.”
Simple, easy to remember, sometimes hard to do.
Next month we will celebrate our 31st anniversary. In 33 years we hope to reach the milestone that Leon and his wife shared. Whenever I thought our marriage was going through a rough spot, the reason was usually that one (me) or both of us had temporarily forgotten that advice.
Katherine says
married 40 years and I agree with each point here. I’d also add a few more:
*Sometimes it’s what you don’t say that counts. Bite your tongue in some situations.
*A touch often means more than words. I always get a warm hand on my shoulder or neck when I talk about lost loved ones or sensitive subjects.
*We always stand very close at weddings and we always join the dance after the new couples first dance.
*Always celebrate… Anniversaries, birthdays, babies, life! Cakes, dinners, baths, saunas, ice cream. Life is uncertain, enjoy, eat, cry and celebrate. It’s only going to be what you make it, dance like everyone’s watching 🙂
Diane says
11. Be loyal
You described when life can be pivotal and shape a person. The big highs and lows where real friends stay to encourage them to persevere through the darkness and brighten and memorialize the good times.
Thank you.
Winnie says
This is beautiful advice, Angel and Marc. Even at 79, I am inspired by this. Thank you!
June says
Work together and help each other grow. That one is very important. We will be celebrating our 45th anniversary this year. There have been so many changes for both of us through the years.
As for myself, it was a reminder to be supportive with positive change. On the flip side, I should be more patient with changes I view as negative. Everyone has ups and downs in life. Each one is a growing experience. I cannot see into the future and sometimes my negativity does not need to be voiced.
Dev says
Great post. It’s been awhile since I’ve commented, but I’ve been reading. Just wanted to let you know I resonate and struggle with several of these relationship habits at times, but the first two stand out the most because those are the relationship traps I fall into most often. I need to be more present when I’m with the people I love. It’s so easy these days to distract ourselves with iphones and handheld devices and every other shiny object.
So thank you again for posts like this, the beautiful wisdom in your books, and all the inspiring emails you send. Your positive reminders are keeping me on a positive path in life.
J says
Great reminders I agree with at 62. Also, have your dinners at a small table. You won’t believe the difference it makes!
Harold says
Loved reading these today, a lot of good memories in all of them even though she has passed. Thank you M&A and God Bless.
Lou says
The old school system! I Loved the story about the couple listening to some jazz, he opens the door and they dance… beautiful!
Stephen Hemperly says
Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing and reminding us of the things that are essential to sustainable and enriching relationships.
Joan McCabe says
I’ve been doing these things for years.
Also, I don’t know that I would call them Old Fashioned. Oh, Wait a moment, I’m in my 60s and have been doing these things since I was a Teenager.
Often when We (family & friends) hear a Song; We’ll Stop the Vehicle, Crank Up the Music, Get Out and DANCE & SING!
Thanks for the Memories and Reminders!
Grace says
I loved this article! It was beautifully written and worth reading again and again. Thank you so much!
Bess D. says
Always use the 2 most important words that we taught as a young child, Thank You! For even the Littles thing that someone does for you.
Sree says
Enjoyed every bit of it. Thank you.
Dianne Whitehead says
I loved this article! I have been married 49 years to the same man and I can unreservedly say that there’s so much truth in there. Here’s one I would add: enjoy other things together. Shared experiences are important to keep the relationship fresh and keep it from getting hum drum or stale.
Constance says
Wonderful reminders. Thank you.
Dawn Hasen says
Your article was beautifully written and though it was written with couples in mind, it could very well be applied to any relationship one might have. The one that resonated with me was about personal looks and how unimportant they become.