Do more than just exist. We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
About 15 years ago, I had an intervention with myself. I sat down at the local library on a Saturday morning and read through hundreds of archived entries in my journal. Specifically, I was looking for all the unfulfilled goals and visions for the future that I had jotted down over the years. And it didn’t take long before I realized that the entire course my life had taken up to that point had been the product of other people’s opinions and decisions. Every day I was just going through the motions, and doing what I was “supposed” to do, instead of what was right for ME.
Fast forward to today, and as I awoke this morning, I marveled at my life. Where once I woke with dread at the thought of a new day, now I wake with excitement to begin – grateful to be doing what I’m doing with my life. I’m so happy I did what I had to do, and struggled through the tough times and fears, and realigned my life with the activities and ideals that make me feel alive.
I tell you this because I know life can get pretty crazy at times. Sometimes it gets so busy that we forget how important it is to actually listen to ourselves, instead of others. But I’m happy to tell you that things can change if you want them to, at any age.
Just as I’ve turned things around for myself, I know hundreds of other people who have done the same. Through a decade of life, relationship, and small business coaching, I’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages – 48-year-olds starting families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth.
How did we do it? We insisted upon making changes, and we followed through.
Above all, what you need to remember is happiness is dependent upon ourselves, and there are some things in life you have to insist on doing, no matter what others say about it. For instance, you have to…
- Insist on making your life your own. – Most of us are not raised to actively seek our calling. We may not even know that we have one. As kids, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others – that we should find our happiness exactly as they have found theirs. Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are trained to ask others for permission. We are, in effect, schooled to live other people’s versions of our lives. Every day is designed and developed as told to us by someone else! And then one day when we break free to survey our dreams, seeking to fulfill ourselves, we see that most of our dreams have gone unfulfilled because we believed, and those around us believed, that what we wanted for ourselves was somehow beyond our reach. It’s time to unlearn these lies and make changes. It takes courage to grow wiser and become who you really are. And today is the first day of the rest of your life.
- Insist on subtracting what doesn’t belong in your life. – There’s so much you can let go of in life without losing a thing. It’s called growth. Letting go of the old makes way for the new. Letting go of what isn’t working makes way for what will. When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go and grow. In other words, start subtracting… the habits, routines and circumstances that are holding you back. You cannot discover new oceans unless you build up enough courage to lose sight of the old, familiar shoreline. Be brave. Follow your values. Make changes. Dare to be different. And don’t be afraid to like it. (Read A New Earth.)
- Insist on making passion a priority. – Purpose is the reason you journey. Passion is the fire that lights your way. Without passion, it’s impossible to progress. The heart of human excellence begins to beat when you discover a pursuit that absorbs you, frees you, challenges you, and gives you a sense of meaning. Some resist this fact and think passion is just fluff. Well that’s nonsense! Honestly, the saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t have a deep passion about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there’s nothing meaningful behind it to make it last. So remember, if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it. Only passions – great passions – can elevate the soul to great heights. If there was ever a moment to follow your heart and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
- Insist on working hard for what you want most. – Sometimes you’ve got to create what you want to be a part of from the ground up – you’ve got to work harder than ever before to get more than you ever dreamed of. Be a dreamer. Be a doer. Know what is truly important to you and why. Then act on it with all your might. Dreams don’t just magically become realities; it takes a lot of determination, sweat, and hard work. And remember, tough circumstances don’t last; tough people do. Most obstacles melt away when we make up our minds to march boldly through them. If you have a strong commitment to your goals and dreams, and wake up every morning with a burning passion to work toward them, anything is possible. So dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams a working reality. (Read The War of Art.)
- Insist on saying what you need to say. – Dr. Seuss once said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” There’s a lot of truth in that statement. Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say. Push your concerns of what others might think aside and say what you need to say. Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally. What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all. And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve brought something important to their attention that forces them to think differently. Bottom line: When you don’t speak up, there’s a lot of important stuff that never gets said. And in the end, there’s no greater sadness than holding on to the words you never had the courage to speak.
- Insist on leaving other people’s judgmental opinions alone. – When I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough. I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t. Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it. So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing. Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved. How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway. They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Insist on being as weird as you are. – It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to – perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity – especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin. But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside. Why? Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality – the qualities that make them unique. To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves. We all have quirks and a weirdness about us. The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are.
Your turn…
How has the desire to “fit in” interfered with your life? What has it stopped you from doing or being? What do you need to start insisting on in your life? Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Elena
Valencia Ray, MD says
Fantastic post! Thanks for sharing. So many of us need to get into the mindset of “What would I do if I were completely free of judgement?” in order to truly be free, secure and happy. This is worth insisting on. The fear of what others think often stops us from being ourselves.
I cope by concentrating on my core goals and only the opinions of those who matter in my life.
Darryl says
When I think about all the things I haven’t done because of fear of what someone else might think, it proves that I have eluded my own identity for quite some time. I feel cheated of all the chances I had to pursue something I believed in because someone (mostly, my father) would have an opinion that it was the wrong thing to do.
On the other hand, I can think of so many situations in which I did something purely driven out of spite for his foul judgments. For example, he told me I wouldn’t get into the grad program I wanted, so I applied and got in just to throw it in his face. When I told him the news, all he said was, “Good job” which in turn, antagonized the overall pursuit. I am done making choices on behalf of the off chance that I might earn approval; because in the end, I need to earn my own stamp of approval or all my efforts would have been wasted.
It’s time to start insisting on self-love and self-confidence more often!
Susan Rae says
Loved this article!
To answer your question about fitting in, a couple lines from your book that really spoke to me about this topic is:
“One of the greatest freedoms is truly not caring what everyone else thinks of you. As long as you are worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself, can you own yourself.”
I still fear rejection and what others think of me quite often, but I have memorized your words and I think about them almost daily. This practice has been helping me keep these fears at bay. Thanks for that.
Kasha says
Eye opening and profound. I copied your “my life…” sentence and posted to my dressing mirror to read every morning.
Lily Earhart says
Great Post…This is one of the best articles I have read in a long time. I agree with all 7 points…we should never give up on who we are for someone else, no matter their place in our life.
Lowena says
Thank you for writing this article. It really hit the mark for me.
While growing up, one of my fears and obstacles is family disapproval. I have been given a ton of expectations from my family, especially my aunt (who constantly kept pressuring me to go to university even at a young age.) They don’t seem to realize that I wanted to carve my own life and be happy.
Poppy99 says
A timely read for me. If you are too accommodating it seems that others see that as a weakness. Instead of appreciating the fact that you are helpful they see it as an opportunity to push their luck and dump on you. Then it becomes an expectation.
I have recently found myself damping down my natural way of working and frantically trying to keep somebody’s approval (a colleague who is more senior than me and who has the ear of the boss). The more I do for her, the more she expects and when I try and reinstate boundaries I feel under threat that she will somehow hurt me being disrespectful about me (as I have seen her do to others) which can harm my prospects. She has an ego the size of a planet but is good at superficial charm which pulls you in at first but the more you know her the more you realise it is a superficial form of manipulation.
In this volatile job market and at my age I worry that I will lose my job so I bite my tongue. But now I think that the prospect of losing my job is less frightening of losing myself and the points raised in this article really resonate with me particularly 1, 2, 5, 6 and 7. Thank you.
Sandra Pawula says
This is so core, isn’t it: “Above all, what you need to remember is happiness is dependent upon ourselves…”
I really connected with #6. That fear of not being liked and the desire for approval has certainly steered by life at times. I’m happy you were able to let go of that and it’s certainly my goal too.
Jim B says
Thanks! This was helpful to me today.
Elizabeth says
Absolutely loved this – thank you for putting it all together in such a great article.
Ri says
Great Article!
Many people live in fear of what other will think of them. People don’t do the things they really want to do because they are afraid that it won’t be liked, this automatically stops you from being yourself because you are holding back.
When I younger I was afraid, shy and low on self esteem. I always let what people thought interfere with my life. I wouldn’t do certain things because I was scared of what people thought. I never saw my true beauty, I never believed in my self. I thought little of myself but others around me saw the beauty, saw an ambitious girl and saw someone who was confident.
Before reading all these self help books and motivational blogs I was negative and scared. People always saw more in Me than I saw in myself so until I was complemented by someone I wouldn’t believe It for myself.
I have improved A LOT thanks to people like you who share motivational, words of wisdom and make us see things a different light. I am still a afraid of what others think sometimes but only a little. I have made a big change and am still changing. Working progress….
Mitko Ivanov (@mitcoivanov) says
Great overview Marc,
I just tweeted it. Here the target audience is pretty broad.
“When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go and grow.” this one is a masterpiece. I’ve experienced it already – it wasn’t pleasant at all, but at the end it was rewarding.
Do you guys test different titles before you decide on which one is the winner?
Debs says
This is the perfect article that I needed today! Sadly and for too long I have lived my life for everyone else. Desperate to please people. I am terrified that they judge me for my looks or something that I do differently. I don’t really fit in. I need these words today to make me realize that although I am now 50 my life still can be mine. I will be myself and begin to live my life my way!
Ruth says
Weird! I am a mother of 2 teenage boys. And from the moment they could form an opinion, they would say “mom you’re weird” to which I would say “thank you”. :). Heaven forbid I’m ever “normal.”
Last evening my 17 year old and I went out shopping and shared dinner. Aaron’s birthday is at the end of March and what does he ask for – for his birthday?? A pocket watch! WHAT?
I’m confused….is this the new thing.”No mom. I’ll probably be the only one in high school with one. Won’t that be cool :)”
Well I fell in love with my youngest son all over again!! He gets it …. Be uniquely you!!
R
Frankline says
I love that last point. Thanks a lot for the post. Just keep them coming.
Jean Williams says
Being autistic, it is SO difficult not to look critically at my own every action. Too many times I have offended people without meaning too. Too many times I have crossed boundaries without understanding. People expect me to learn, but it is impossible to learn a lesson you cannot see. Even as I have, in the past, tried to mimic others – clearly every context is different, every individual has different needs. And without understanding the context, without understanding the individual, it is hard to conform properly. People have called me reliant – saying I look to them for things that in their eyes I should learn on my own. But are we not all reliant in different ways. I could only wish that those individuals who see me completely would look to me for what I have to contribute. Because I know there is much. If only a loving heart that wants only to do what is right and aches when it fails.
Jerry says
Excellent post. My motto: Be kind to others, but not at the expense of insulting yourself.
Brian Link says
This is great advice. It’s similar to what I tell the young founders of Internet startups I advise. And while I would love to follow the advice myself it is considerably more difficult in your 40s while supporting a family. That said I think there are aspects that apply universally and one should always reflect and follow dreams, making even minor course corrections where you can that ensure a better long term vision of and for yourself. Keep going!
tara dillard says
Walking in my garden, almost 2 decades ago, a clear moment of epiphany, “You choose the plants in your garden, choose the people in your life.”
Hit the eject button, that day, on quite a few people.
Never looked back.
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
Becky says
This post is exactly what I want to hear. I feel like my mother, I love her so much, but she is trying for me to find a husband that is her qualifications and live a life that she wants me to have. I just want to be free and think for myself on what I want in a man and for my life. I’m going to thank her for advice but I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and be the passionate person in what I love. True love will come around and I’m fine with just doing me right now.
andy nagelin says
Hi,
I started a running related business about two years ago. I’m pretty sure my friends and family think that I am wasting my time and money So, I don’t talk to them about my business anymore. Cutting out the negativity. I have a mentor who is positive, has good ideas and is a great sounding board. As I’ve learned about my market, my business has changed. I used to sell frames for running medals. There were many logistical issues with this business.
So I shifted to solving another problem that I discovered.
Now I market medals for first time 5K runners. I think every person who manages to run their first 5K deserves a medal. I’ve come up with a way to get medals to people who want them, allow races to do more fund raising and keep costs low for all other runners. This is my passion and I get into the flow and excited to do this work. I feel like I am on a mission.
Jeanette says
I love the mantra for leaving other’s opinions alone – it’s perfect. I just created a similar mantra for myself last night, so I can relate to the need to having this. Thanks for the wonderful blog post!
Atul says
Love your blog – and this is one of the best posts.. Very encouraging!
Tara says
Always love reading your blog. Today’s words could not have come at a better time.
Learning and letting go,
Tara xo
David Rapp says
I am going to be faced with my annual career path discussion tomorrow. I am sure that I will be asked to head up a group of very challenging projects in a new vertical market. I have slogged it out with a tough client for 2 years, lost vacation time and will miss another vacation in June because they cannot get their act together. For 6 years I have been too accomodating on my work-life balance, and they will not like my answer this time around.
I am taking this year to get my professional certifications completed, savings set aside, and resetting my habits and work patterrns. When I make the leap to do doing what I want, I need to make sure I have as much prepared as I can.
And the only thing I am NOT going to do is ask for opinions.
Melissa Wilson says
I used to have a desire to “fit in,” but now I have a desire to stand out. Funny how that’s turned out. Once you start living in a way that is true to who you are then you come to realize that any other way just won’t cut it for you. When we can start insisting on the things you mention here, then we realize that we can be happy and fulfilled. Great post!
Chas says
When you are feeling inadequate.. It helps to know that at times “So is everyone else”. Also if you hand over your power to anyone to make you happy, remember you also are handing over your power to them to make you unhappy… You have to be happy on your own first before you go searching outside of yourself for that elusive thing called “Happy all the time forever and ever”… Create it inside of you then share it. To expect someone to create it for you really is one heck of a burden to put on anyone.
Drea Duque says
Your post is amazing. I completely understand your point and journey as I felt the same way few years ago.
However and even when I’m trying to do it, I’m struggling with the money part. I don’t know what to do for simply follow my passion and still being able to pay my bills. Probably I’m so used to live in a certain way that I’m afraid of losing what I know and leaving what it could be without even trying. That is the “fit in” I’m trying to overcome.
The solution is probably simple, but somehow I’m “failing” to see it.
Uzma Saleem says
Good articles. Keep them coming. Your perceptions about life are exactly my way of thinking and I love every word in the articles. Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts with us.
Suzi says
I am very encouraged by this blog. I’ve found my passion to be the American Red Cross as a volunteer nurse! In Military Services and disasters of all sorts…I love BEING THERE!! When a disaster happens I start packing,hoping to get that call to reserve my flight. I can’t describe the joy I feel to reach out , using my nursing skills to minister to people who have lost so much and often are injured. Flying back home ,usually totally exhausted, I glory in those hugs, providing medical needs, drying tears, and visiting those in the hospital. Rich memories..so rich. Meanwhile, my job as LTC nurse keeps my skills sharp, and is also something I love. I’ve also found that our firemen, EMTs, and policemen need encouragement. I have had the honor of being there to remind them that they are HEROES and remind them of what they mean to all of us. They often forget when they’re so exhausted.Those things thrill me and give my heart wings!!
Susannah says
Hi I found this article really interesting but I have another take on the problem – I pursued my passion and ran away from home to do it. I managed to work professionally at it until I was 40 when I found myself redundant. I retrained in a related field and got a job I really enjoyed but had to stop when the firm went bust. I then retrained as an artisan baker and traded until the credit crunch – it was my passion but it was too hard work for me to do on my own in the particular circumstances. So now I’m in a humdrum job which pays the bills – I’m desperate to go back to my original profession but how can I ensure I don’t starve?
Lisa says
Beautiful post, thank you!
I have been trying to process a lot of these aspirations lately and the main objective I keep coming across is FREEDOM. Insist on making yourself free of the things that really hold you down. Financial Freedom, Free time, Free Love, Judgement Free Zone, all of these help to give a genuine and fulfilling life.
Sylvia Howard says
I Love number 5! I have always spoken my mind, and sometime its shocking to others because I don’t hold back. I have become more diplomatic over the years and still people sometimes cant handle the truth.
I always said I am like Flip Wilson ( now I am dating myself) ” what you see is what you get honey!”
Anyone who knows me knows not to ask me a question they don’t want the answer to.
It is also upsetting to me when people I am communicating don’t speak their minds. I mean, I am not a mind reader, I don’t read between the lines……. Cheers to you for a wonderful post and for OWNING it!
Kathryn R. says
Wonderful and much needed topic..I had to take a stand recently re a situation where a health worker took a wrong path and has ended up causing me a terrible amount of stress and annoyance. She was incorrect in what she did and I did issue a complaint which was heard but the final results were not to my liking. I have support from those that count, professional people, etc. but I am left having to deal with an unfair situation. It is to do with a road test that should never have been an issue. Unfairness due to other people and life takes place but I shall be ‘very’ careful whom I trust ever again.The test is in two weeks and I am finding myself so resentful and anxious over it all. I have a flawless record so this should not have occurred. This was either done due to incompetence on the occupational therapist’s part, ignorance or ‘ego’ running wild. I met with her once and she was not respectful and very condescending. I feel quite frankly furious. I stood my ground in this and would not crawl into a hole and be silenced, it took courage and fortitude but I am not liking any of it…I have supporters who say this should not have taken place period. So,I am being authentic and true to myself and hopefully it will turn out well in the end for me! I wonder though what about this woman and her intentions?? I guess that is up for grabs?!! She has caused much harm. I liked Lisa’s comment on Freedom and I thank you Marc and Angel and all the super comments left today! It was great to open and apply it all to my current life situation.
Sharon Graves says
My husband and I, 62-66 recently took in two young boys who’s mother is in jail again. I am using this tonight in our family home evening to help them move forward from the situation they’ve been in for years. Thank you.
Destiny says
I love your daily reads. I am glad you write them and I am learning and growing every day because of them. Thank you sooooo very much. I am truly greatful for you!
XOXO
Destiny
Wilfredo S. Sepulveda says
@Suzi (LTC nurse):
Thank you for your participation and services rendered to others in times of need. Thanks for providing encouragement to our Fire Fighters, EMT’s, and Police Officers. As an Ex-Army soldier, Ex-Federal Police Officer, and currently working for a Fire Department, is very rewarding when people thanks me for my services. Those are careers that denotes true devotion, true caring, bravery, and unselfishness while helping others. I’m just a humble, devoted , public servant. God bless you Suzi and keep up the good work.
Faadilah says
Fabulous post! Inspiring as it is, it creates a strange confidence in oneself. Great job!
Felicia (asillygirl) says
Agreed! Good post!
Ruby says
I like this post, because I think it encourages people to just be themselves, no matter what.
I think that something I have to insist on more in my life is the ability to make mistakes. It’s okay to make mistakes, and I think that sometimes I have to remind myself that, and really insist on the freedom to do so!
Mandy says
Look forward to reading your blog every day. Just wanted to say thank you 🙂
caroline says
Thanks! Just what i needed today after a few days of really thinking about change in my life and my programmed mind. lol. You guys have given me the extra little kick I was looking for. Like so many other readers growing up, I always cared too much about what others thought about me/my choices.
Lindsay Pietroluongo says
Really great post, as all of yours are. I especially love #6, which is by far the greatest lesson I’ve learned (and am still learning) over the past several months & years. More and more I’ve thought to myself when someone has something nasty or negative to say, “That’s not really about me. That says more about you than it does about me.” It’s hard to keep that in mind some days, but it’s so true, and it’s so important to not let other people lower your opinion of yourself.
Marc Chernoff says
@Suzi: I second what Wilfredo said. Thank you for being a ray of light to others.
@Everyone: Thank you, as always. Your willingness to share a small piece of your story here always inspires Angel and me to write and share another post with you. Win-win, eh? 🙂
Cheers to assisting each other, and collectively insisting on standing up for ourselves out there!
Sharon says
I just want to say thank you for your blogs. I hope one day I will be able to get out of my rut and find my voice. I still haven’t been able to find my passion in life since I had to stop working as a nurse. I went back to having low self-esteem, even when I was working I had problems seeing myself as others saw me, a very smart capable nurse. I have started things but when I face criticism, I back off. Since reading your blogs I am slowly starting to realize. I don’t need the approval of others, if something makes me feel happy to do, I have the choice to do it no matter what they think.
Gaby says
Another wonderful post! After reading this, I realized how miserable life has been for me because all I ever did was please the people around me– from now on, it’s time to live for myself and find the things I truly love. Thank you!
mohd alodat says
Many people live in fear of what others will think of them. People don’t do the things they really want to do because they are afraid that it won’t be liked, and this automatically stops them from being themselves because they are holding back their honesty.
JWAR says
I need to start focusing on my physical fitness, not to look good.. but feel good as I need to grow in this area n stop doing jobs that aren’t within my creative atmosphere. Thanks for this article, it has given me clarity in what I was already thinking. Point One is spot on… ‘We live out other peoples versions of our lives’.. i did this for so long when the true me made a good decision, I feel I was rejected and cast out from my family.. this was a hard lesson to learn, as I never felt true happiness or like I was being myself. I have only just recently found my one true purpose and passion I believe. Even though I just ‘stumbled’ upon it, I think that something somewhere was leading me to it in the exact timing. I hope & pray I make it through, It is true as you say that it takes harder work and determination to be happier in the longrun. Thanks for the article full of advice and motivation for me.
Rabeesh kumar says
Thanks! Those words are so powerful that i certainly learnt something from them…
Scott says
So very well said…and so true! From now on, I am me!