Be OK with walking away…
Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.
As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from someone or something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed.
Seeing this when you’re in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough. I know because I’ve been there.
As soon as someone critiques, criticizes, and pushes you away – as soon as you are rejected – you find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I’m not worthy.” What you need to realize is, the other person or situation is NOT worthy of YOU and your particular journey.
Rejection is necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so you can find the right ones that will. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer. Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.
Will you be bitter for a moment? Absolutely. Hurt? Of course, you’re human. There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the realization of rejection. For a short time afterwards you will ask yourself every question you can think of…
- What did I do wrong?
- Why didn’t they care about me?
- How come?
- etc.
But then you have to let your emotions fuel you in a positive way! This is the important part. Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your story.
Honestly, if you constantly feel like someone is not treating you with respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you’ve subconsciously marked yourself down. Because it’s YOU who tells others what you’re worth by showing them what you’re willing to accept for your time and attention. So get off the clearance rack. And I mean right NOW! If you don’t value and respect yourself, wholeheartedly, no one else will either.
I know it’s hard to accept, but think about it…
All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make thereafter. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some intolerant person or shallow circumstance once told us was true.
It’s time to realize this and squash the subconscious idea that you don’t deserve any better. It’s time to remind yourself that…
- The person you liked, loved or respected in the past, who treated you like dirt again and again, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment, but headaches and heartache.
- One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change, like someone else’s behavior or decisions. (Read Loving What Is.)
- Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken.
- The harsh truth is, sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller and emotionally stronger than you ever were before.
- It’s not the end of the world – it’s never the end of the world – and yet rejection can make the loss of someone or something you weren’t even that crazy about feel gut-wrenching and world-ending.
- Sometimes people don’t notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them. And sometimes the more chances you give, the more respect you lose. Enough is enough. Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you. You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who makes you smile – someone who doesn’t take you for granted – someone who won’t leave you hanging.
- Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.
- Take a deep breath. Inner peace begins the moment you decide not to let another person or event control your emotions.
- You really can’t take things other people say about you too personally. What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.
- Those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who build themselves up with the bricks others have thrown at them. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Let your scars remind you that the damage someone has inflicted on you has left you stronger, smarter and more resilient.
- When you lose someone or something, don’t think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so you can better travel the path meant for you.
- You will never miss out on what is meant for you, even if it has to come to you in a roundabout way. Stay focused. Be positive.
- Rejections and naysayers aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things; so don’t let them conquer your mind. Step forward! Seriously, most of us do not understand how much potential we have – we limit our aspirations to the level someone else told us was possible.
- Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. Don’t be one of them. Ultimately, you are who you are when nobody’s watching. Know this! And dare to be yourself, however awkward, different or odd that self may prove to be to someone else.
- Comparing yourself to others, or other people’s perceptions, only undermines your worth, your education and your own inner wisdom. There’s no one who can handle your present situation better than YOU.
- The more we fill our lives with genuine passion and purpose, the less time and energy we’ll waste looking for approval from everyone else.
- You CAN use your struggles, frustrations, and rejections to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. (Read 10% Happier.)
- Sometimes transitions in life are the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation to embrace something even better coming your way.
- Right now is a new beginning. The possibilities ahead are endless. Be strong enough to let go, wise enough to move forward, diligent enough to work hard, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve.
Afterthoughts
All details aside, you don’t need anyone’s constant affection or approval in order to be good enough in this world. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs. So you don’t have to internalize any of it! Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent. You exist, and therefore you matter. You’re allowed to be yourself. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs. You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is more than enough. And you’re allowed to let go of anyone in your life who makes you feel otherwise.
Your turn…
In what ways have you struggled with rejection? How have you coped? Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: M. Klasan
Jacqueline says
Ann Marie, you need to give yourself time to heal, you seem to have been through so much heartache, there isn,t any magic cure i don,t think but be kind to yourself and take little tiny steps forward in each day and no more till you are stronger, respect yourself and don,t settle for anything less than you deserve, massive cuddle for you, and if you keep reading these words from Angel and Marc that are so affirming and wise that will surely help you.
God bless , i keep telling myself to keep thankful and that stops me despairing, hope this helps you xxxxx Jacqueline
Barbara Meuleman says
I have struggled with rejection all of my life. I was told I wasn’t wanted at birth, there was incest in my home, was emotionally abused in two marriages, and physically in one, made to walk on other side of street and mall by husband and mother so they would not have to be with me, new husbands’ family rejected me (in Holland) for ten years (now accept me), blah, blah, blah. I survive because I am a therapist and know understanding of their behavior at times, but it still digs deep. the latest is my dughter hasnot’ been closdre for years; She calls when she needs something, and I stay ‘nice’ but don’t give in to her hinting for money, etc. She has kept her children from me, including the 14 yr. old whom I’ve seen 3 times. I was told of her birth when she was 2 days old, but an mail. We live two hours from each other. She comes to town to visit her stepmother, but ignores me. She is nice when she does call, to tell me of her newest illness, etc, but nothing else. I asked her in December to write what I have done to her for this estrangement, and she said she would…so far nothing.
I survive by loving myself , have a very loving compassionate husband, and volunteer when able to by visiting those worse off. Perspective for me is seeing the good in my life not the bad.
Thanks for your emails. You lift me up.
Barbara
Sorrowful says
Barbara Meuleman, I am in tears while I am reading your comment. My heart goes for you. You are a strong person. I remember how bad I was treating my mom the time we had a grudge and it pains me in the heart to remember how ungrateful I am as a son. Now that my mother is gone, I am in deep remorse. In her entire life, I only cared for her when she was struggling for her life in the hospital. I wish I could see you in person and hug you tightly because I really miss my mother and you remind me of her. She was a very caring person and she could overlook my mischief. God bless every mother like you and I believe you will soon be rewarded by our Lord Jesus Christ when he comes.
Stay strong.
Amy says
I feel your pain. Am going through similar with my daughter and 2 grandchildren. Your post gives me strength. I feel like I’m the only mother going through this
Danielle says
Marc and Angel –
Your blog came into my life when I had hit the lowest bottom I’ve known. It’s been with me through my steady journey up from the bottom, and it amazes me daily how insanely dead-on your posts are for me. It makes me feel so less alone in this world. So thank you, truly.
I read this post today – and it could not have been better timing. My husband left me and our four young kids after nine years together – he is running away from his internal struggles (anxiety, insecurities, etc.) and trying to use me as a scapegoat which, in the short term, is easier for him than dealing with things head on. He moved out suddenly one day and 11 days later served me with divorce papers. Out of nowhere. I have asked myself all those questions above – what have I done wrong, why doesn’t he love me, why is this happening, but really, this is not about me. This is about him.
I have really been struggling with my anger towards him though. That’s my biggest hurdle. I’ve had to just take a few steps back and remind myself of a few things: 1. this is NOT about me, I am a great person in a bad situation. 2. He actually did me a favor and ended a relationship that was draining more from me than I was getting in return. 3. Better now than another 9 years later.
I have also taken this as an opportunity to really get to know who is there for me – who is really my true support system. It’s amazing how many people drop off this list when the crap really hits the fan.
Anyway, thank you again for your wisdom. It keeps me sane. 🙂
Rentalic says
This is a great post and thanks for sharing it.
Chris says
Came across your site, and this specific topic, by happenstance, at a time when my heart was heavy from a recent breakup. Your words confirmed for me that I was right to leave an abusive relationship, one where no respect was present. I believe it’s called serendipity … Thanks!
Marc Chernoff says
@Ann Marie: I’ve preached this before, but I’ll repeat it here because I believe it’s a strategy that will help you cope:
Do your best to live one day at a time.
No matter what’s happening, anyone can efficiently fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you add the battles of those two abysmal eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly complicated. Realize that it’s not the experience of today that holds you back and drives you crazy, but the regret and resentment about something that happened yesterday or the fear and dread of what tomorrow might bring. It’s necessary, therefore, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.
@Everyone: Thank you, as always for sharing your thoughts with us. Honestly, your willingness to share makes our work worth our while. It makes writing the next article an inspiring experience. 🙂
And for those of you who emailed me asking for further advice on dealing with the feelings and fears associated with rejection, I recommend you read this article too: 7 Smart Ways to Stop Fearing Rejection
Paula says
I was in relationship with the person that treated me like sh**. I always had time for him, i was doing everything for him and after some time i realized (but only a little bit) that he is controlling me. Finally i got my attitude and i wasn’t always okay with the things that he wanted. After some time he broke up with me (i cried like an idiot and lose all of my self-respect) but after he left me i felt more freedom and more positivity. And after 2-3 weeks he found another girl and he was doing all of that to get my reaction and in that moment i realized that he is really empty person and that i am never going to get back with him.
He was just a lesson.. A great lesson!!
Shilpa says
It exactly suits me for my current situation … Thanks loads for such a FANTASTIC, MOTOVATING, POSITIVE thought …..Thanks 🙂
Veronica says
Such a good post to start a Monday!!
Juddles says
I cried for 2 weeks straight after the ending of a relationship that was on/off for 2 yrs. Once again his actions didnt match his words….he promised me the world and gave me heartache and lies & cheated. To which i found out after the fact we seperated. I find it hard day to day to understand how a person can treat someone like that? I think about the destruction that he caused and while im still picking up the peices of my broken home with my children, hes just soundley getting on with his life and new woman. I understand its not my fault and it speaks a thousand words of what kind of person he is to his core. But it still hurts. Somedays im angry somedays im hurt and somedays i find myself not thinking about him as much. I guess after a while you learn to deal with it, get over it and move on…..but it sure is so hard to do when you thought everything was real. I cant wait for the day i wake up and feel joy and happiness in my life again and never think about him. This makes me understand things that i didnt understand….after the hurt goes and i heal, i know there will be a lesson in all of this and hindsight will be a wonderful thing.
Amanda says
This was a great read! I have been in a toxic relationship for the past few years, we were once married and tried working things out after our divorce. Needless to say, each chance I gave him, I felt as if I had no more value to him. Everyone around tells me I deserve so much more, I of course know I do too. This article was right on the ball. Every emotion I’ve ever felt during the relationship was mentioned.
Thank you so much. It gives me comfort and the resilience that I needed.
Jane says
It’s very important that I don’t internalize rejection, as it has more to do with the other person’s needs than to do with me. Thanks again, Marc and Angel.
Martino says
Thanks for this piece. My friend is dealing with rejection for 6 months and I for over three years. Somebody moved out while I was on a business trip & then hid from me with zero contact. This after two years of companionship & thirteen months of residing together. My pain was so bad that I could barely breathe, see or live. All while taking of career & life obligations as normally as possible. First time in my life that something major went wrong & now I needed to see life through jaded eyes. A plethora of emotions and definitely a broken heart. I am a male. My friend is also a male. Thirteen months with someone who appeared to almost purr like a cat every moment we were together–and we were joined at the hip (outside of work). Every song on the radio was about him. Makes it hard to heal. I went on a low dose of prescribed med for two months. Weened myself off because I don’t like meds. My sadness has subsided but the pain still exists. I’m GRATEFUL for my progress. But I still hurt & want him back in my life. I trust in God in reference to this human. I know that I must respect another’s free will. I do. I believe an addiction to another human is the worst addiction due to the toll on ones very spirit, heart & soul. Your advice in this article is all so true & good. Thank you again. Blessed be all who suffer due to the love of another human being. May we all have strength to make it through to the other side where sunshine exists…
Divya says
I have been reading your blog since sometime and I find it truly inspirational. I particularly loved this post because it touches the right chords with anyone struggling with rejections. I think that even though we may be the best at what we do, we all have to face rejections and mostly its the universe testing our resolve to be where we can and want to be in life. Thanks for reminding us that we are always a superstar irrespective of the obstacles we may confront on our journey.
Erick says
One of the most helpful posts I’ve read regarding this topic.
I’m so thankful that i found your Blog a couple years ago.
Karen X says
Wow! For weeks, I blamed myself. I cried myself to sleep. I beat myself up. I told myself I wasn’t good enough, that I stupid and gullible. I just couldn’t make sense of it all.
I had met a wonderful man but I was so against it at first because we came from different backgrounds, we each had crazy work schedules and he was a lot younger. 13 years to be exact. He wooed, pursued and convinced me that he was serious and it became very intense pretty quickly. Divorced for 6 years after a 14 year marriage, I was ready and in love again. We began looking for apartments to move into together. Travel plans were made and paid for. One of us always made the effort to make time for the other. Then, from literally one day to the next, I never heard from him again. He ignored all my attempts trying to reach him. Weeks later, the excuse I got was- Work stress. And that was that. I didn’t even deserve an explanation. To him, I was worthless, unimportant and he chose to ignore me in the hope that I’d just disappear.
I have read this article over and over again and I will do so until I finally believe and realise that I was too good for him. It was nothing I did. It wasn’t about me. It was ALL HIM!
I am a hardworking and I believe, an intelligent 47 year old and I never thought I could feel as low as I did. You have made me realise that I do deserve better and that I am capable of so much more. I have read many of your articles since this one and I thank you for giving women like me hope, support and encouragement.
mc says
Easy words unless it is your mother. My mother was unable to give (always teased and manipulated her children) because she did not have a mother give to her. Her older sisters raised her from childhood. I pushed her as an adult child to give that love to myself and grandchildren. Sometimes I won, and sometimes I did not. My mother is now gone, and I like her can say no regrets. Live strong.
Artchic6 says
A few months ago, I lost a job of 10 years that i was very good at. I dealt with a lot of toxicity in my job with people who acted like my friend but ultimately were out for themselves. It would have been hard for me to imagine when I started this job that in my 40’s I would have to deal with being bullied! I was ultimately rejected for doing my job well and to add insult to injury the very toxic new CMO of the company (who apparently didn’t like me) let me know I was being let go at 9 am on a Monday and also on the very day of my 10th anniversary. Lovely. NOT! I could not believe my ears but couldn’t change what was already in motion.
I had indeed settled for a job that I didn’t care for because the money was good but now realize that I had seriously marked myself down. They did everything they could to try and take away my happiness and they took my talents as a designer for granted. 4.5 months later, I still get pissed off about it and I know I dwell way too much on what happened. This week for some reason has been particularly hard. I’ve cried a few times about it, mostly because of money concerns but the rejection still hurts.
I know I’ve taken too many negative situations and comments to heart when I shouldn’t. I’ve let others who were ultimately threatened by me make me feel like I’m less than them.
Ultimately, I know, deep inside, that my load is much lighter by not working in that toxic environment any more. And I am SO thankful because my new ‘boss’ would have been the one who was ultimately the biggest bully of all of them and also a complete moron who the CMO thought was the golden boy. She’s finding out now, apparently, that she was wrong.
I’ve met with former co-workers who do care about me and they are still baffled by why I was let go. Most people with half a brain at my work felt that way.
I so appreciate the words in this article and I plan to read it often and share it with others. In fact I already have. In the wise words of Al Franken “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!!!” And that is VERY true. I have such a great support system and want to be thankful instead of regretting an ending to a situation that was never right for me in the first place. I’m hopeful for my future and know that I AM good enough to have a great job with people who appreciate me.
pemory says
Thank you–this is very good and powerful food for thought. I’m struggling with a woman who acts interested, but then always pulls away when I respond & show interest. So, I back off and, of course, she shows interest again and we repeat the cycle. It’s started to wear on me and is making me slowly feel more and more worthless. My wife cheated on me and walked out of my life about six years ago, so to go through another challenge regarding a meaningful connection with a woman has been very painful (I’m afraid I’m drawn to a certain female type who enjoys punishing men who show affection).
Marble says
Pemory,
If it makes you feel any better, I am a woman and I was just involved in a potential dating situation with a man who did the same thing. It has been very painful – just as you describe and I have never had a relationship like this. Just awful, looking back but at the time I was so smitten and kept thinking – well, he’s shy and everyone who knew him kept saying that as well.
Ok, well Mr Shy Man and I were finally talking and made plans to go out officially (we knew each other socially in a large group of friends and others). I actually ended up having to ask him out and he was thrilled, told all our friends about it and then – stood me up. Completely stood me up and then ignored me the next couple of times he saw me. That meant the end of all my socializing with this group because well, they sided with him and I was left out in the cold. Very abusive behavior and I am still shocked that he publicly humiliated me like that with no word ever from him. Yes, rejection is about him really because I am a nice person and all my old friends now support me but still – wow. Very painful experience for sure and a very powerful learning experience.
GMJ says
I’ve obsessed over past hurts to the point of having a long-term struggle with depression and addiction. Whether the rejection is verbal or non-verbal, my anger turns to rage and then I purposely isolate myself. It does not matter if I was a rejection letter or in social settings with family, friends, or acquaintances when a conversation goes too long or ends in a rude, abrupt matter, rejection has been a large weight on my life.
It’s nice to read that there is a different way to look at rejection and not to take the rejection personally. I’ve never thought rejections of any type could be considered positive steps. Thank you for posting this list.
Dana says
After 20 years of being treated like I don’t matter. I found out he was cheating on me. I told him I wanted a divorce. He changed completely for the better. He’s been everything I ever wanted in a husband for the past month. The problem is, I had 20 years of rejection and abandonment to fall out of love with him. Now, I want out of the marriage and I feel guilty because he’s finally doing everything right. He’s trying to convince me that he’s a changed man and not to leave him. I don’t believe this new attitude is permanent.
Rn says
After 20 years, I think you know in your heart that the current “good behavior” is a sham. He feels his control of the situation slipping away, so he will say and do anything to make his world “right” again. Meanwhile, behind your back, he will continue his cheating ways while lying to you with a straight face. He is using your guilty feelings to manipulate you. I have been there.
hayley says
In response to Dana, you probably won’t see this because this post is a couple months old but i am in the same predictament. I’ve been with my boyfriend of 6 years and the first i’d say 3 roughly, were very tough because after 3 months of dating i was cheated on, with an ex, then we took a break and during that break i was apparently cheated on again, with a different ex. But i tried so hard to make things work. It’s like when you’re cheated on you wonder what you’re doing wrong but it’s never us it’s always the other person and i think we fail to remember that when going through these things. I tried so hard everyday, through the first 1-3 years were back and forth of shadiness. I’d find text messages, social media messages, phone calls were being made, and i still wanted it to work because i was so in love. I had been with him since 16. Now that i am almost 23, and he’s been doing everything right, for almost 2 years, i am just so exhausted with all that I HAD to go through with trying to make it work and now that he is doing everything right, little things make me mad, not picking up after himself, repeating myself, i don’t ever feel interested in our conversations, it’s hard to keep a conversation, and now i wonder everyday if this is something i still want to pursue, i mainly don’t feel that i’m growing as a person. I always feel trapped down. I feel like there’s so much more of me that i can be but i feel stuck a lot. Stuck with my thoughts all day, stuck with what should i do, afraid of hurting his feelings, i am completely in the same spot as you and it is very tough. I hope you figure out what works best for your interest and that it isn’t so difficult on you to do the right thing. Best of luck
Robert says
In response to Dana and Hayley – I too have been in a relationship – marriage of 13 years – where my wife would flirt with others right in front of me – she cheated on me several times – and each time i would have empathy and compassion for her tough upbringing and her self loathing that i wanted to HEAL and i would forgive and get back to normalcy. PROBLEM with all of us here in this forum is that WE are the ones who accepted being treated badly. WE are the ones who have been in DENIAL about our own codependency. WE are the ones who sacrifice our self worth so that we avoid being alone or the guilt of abandoning someone we love/care for. WE are the ones that accept scraps for a glimpse of validation/love. WE are not VICTIMS – we are active participants in this deeply psychological game of self worth. SEPARATION from the abuser is absolutely necesary. WE NEED TO GET HELP. JOURNAL everyday. Bring GOD into your life to fill the EMPTINESS inside you.
Nancy says
It took me a long time to realize that the shame I carried with me all my life (I am 54) was due to my parents rejection. Recognizing that simple fact has been life altering for me. New rejections can trigger those old feelings and I have to remind myself that it was their problem – not mine. Excellent article on rejection- thank you.
Angelissa says
Thank you for this reminder. I have been dealing with a rejection lately, for a month already. I am estranged from a friend. She cannot give the friendship I need (which I did not demand) and has impressed upon me that this will not work. I am utterly feeling a loss. Most days are better than others. I thought I was ok but the hurt still stings. I pray for the strength I need to keep moving forward. God knows how hard I try; I tell Him everyday. My heart is weary from adjusting. I need to find my own ground. (I will be attending a mutual friend’s wedding in two weeks. She may be there, and I need to keep my wits about me. I did tell a friend to stay by my side to anchor me if ever my will strays. Funny how that reminds me that I my true friends shine in my darkest moments. They are the ones who deserve my heart.)
Ashley says
“Rejection is God’s protection” is something I was told in the rooms of AA and this article details that perfectly!
kd says
These words are a balm for my soul. At 48, I am (in two months) marrying for the second time. I have spent my adult life trying to understand the conditional “love” my parents had for me, and all the game playing and favouritism in our family of 3 children. My sister (the middle) has cut off all ties from everyone years ago. My brother (oldest-golden boy) makes nice and keeps the peace, but ultimately never makes an effort in our relationship. I spent a good portion of my life feeling unworthy, and have jumped through so many hoops to get them to see me; to love me, too. I have done much work on understanding how this is about THEM–not a reflection of my worth. A couple years have passed. Some therapy, a stint at the Hoffman Process (pretty helpful), making small changes, and lots of reading. I have, after all these years, found inner peace and self-love. After all that, it seems they are even more bent on making me a pariah–not responding to the wedding invitations, not talking to me in over a year (I have called numerous times and gotten silence)…the list is long. Yesterday, after sending a friendly request for RSVP to mother and brother, I received “No”s from both. No good wishes. Nothing. Just no. This is nothing new, I’m sad to say.. It’s been a hard, but ultimately strengthening journey. All the moments of celebration in my life (winning awards, scholarships, uni graduation at top of my class, my first wedding, the birth of three children, career honours, etc) were devoid of their faces in the crowd. They were ‘busy’. …….At that moment of reading the NO on the screen, I felt that a switch had turned off inside me. I went to bed very sad, but ultimately at peace with knowing I had always chosen the path of love, and that I am not to blame. This understanding was a huge deal for me. In the end, I saw that these people are not ABLE to reciprocate love; they have none for themselves. Perhaps they were never shown it. Not sure if that applies to my bro (who I suspect borders on being narcissistic), but nonetheless, I am treated the same by him. THIS morning, I awoke with a new attitude, which included surrounding myself only with those who love me, celebrating life through helping others, and gratitude. It includes reading something positive and helpful every day. So, here I am, on your site. Older, wiser and more understanding of others, ready to start a new life with a man who sees all of me and adores it all. And so DO I! Marc and ANgel, so many of these points helped me today. Hands together, head bowed..thank you.
Marble says
Totally agree, really excellent words.
Shannen says
Thank you for posting this! I needed to read this and remind myself if my worth. #11 and #12, is what I am going to remember.
Elaine says
I love this article, though I wish something could have made my recent 2-year recovery from a break-up (after just 8-month relationship!) a lot easier than it was. I see the wisdom in the words, and hope people reading them and needing them right now will see the wisdom at some point even if it’s tough to handle at the moment. There’s just one bit that troubles (or at least confuses) me, it’s in the 4th paragraph where you say “Which means you now have more time to improve yourself”. To me that at least vaguely suggests that there’s something to fix (which we can all believe far too easily post-breakup). You spend the rest of the article convincing the reader to believe in themselves, so this jars just slightly with me. I’ve done various dating courses and seminars, and the key to everything is self-acceptance and self-love. Only from a sense (and display!) of wholeness and belief in self can we attract the one who is a true match for our core being.
I know you guys were not implying anything negative at all – perhaps it’s just a slight issue of wording! I love all your stuff and treasure every word you write 🙂
Amber says
Thank you so much for this. As with all your postings, it helped me tremendously.
Jean Austen says
This article came to me at the right time. I was badly battered with words by someone who used to say he loves me. For all I’ve given was care, love and attention. I’ve stayed long enough. Thinking he only does that when he is hurting inside. But somehow, it lead me thinking that it’s not fair to me that he is hurting me as well. I wanted to stay and be there for him….but not anymore. I deserve to be treated better. All the harsh words really got into me for a year. But today…even is enough. I decided to leave and block him out of my life. I am a good, kind, loving, warm and happy person. And I still want to be that person.
cher says
I am feeling really down and hurt. This guy told me he likes me but when I gave him my number he has not called, Makes me feel real bad because I just healed myself from past hurt only to try to open myself up again only to get rejected.
Katharine says
I got engaged to a man that I’d been dating for about 8 months back in 2008. Valentines Day. I know it seems quick, but I’d had two prior relationships that had dragged on for years and gone nowhere. And this just felt like ‘the one’. We moved in together a few months later and I was very excited to plan our wedding and start our lives together. Long story short: He avoided planning a wedding for over 2 years while insisting that he loved me & everything was ok. When I finally threw together a wedding (without his help) over 2 yrs after engagement, he ‘postponed’ it 5 days beforehand. I had the dress, flowers, venue, everything. It was to be a small wedding, but still, it was a giant blow. As many times in our past, I mentioned us breaking up. And like every other time, he went out of his way to convince me that he deeply loved me and didn’t want to lose me and well, lied and made excuses (I would later learn).
I don’t know how he convinced me to stay w/ him. I guess I wanted to believe in us THAT badly, and I’d never been engaged before and I still felt shell shocked from the ‘postponement’. (which would later quietly start being referred to as a ‘cancellation’)..I don’t know how he convinced me to move across the country w/ him for a job he was offered. Well, actually I so: He lied. I would [much] later find out that he lied to be about a lot of major things. He cheated on me several times, but I found out the bulk of who he really was after I’d moved a million miles away with him. I tried to forgive, forget, move on..but the lies, the cheating, the psychological abuse & manipulation, the ENDLESS rejection and comments eluding to how everything was all my fault..( like I was getting what I deserved)… eventually broken me in half.
8 years after meeting him, I’m finally making plans to leave. But I feel like a hollowed out shell of the person I used to be. I feel so broken, numb and yet overflowing with pain. I have to start my life all over again with less than I had when I met him. And I’m not so young anymore. I feel COMPLETELY betrayed, used, manipulated, unloved and discarded. I truly wonder what person I will be when I go “home”. I feel half dead. I feel I’ll never seriously date or trust someone again. It may sound melodramatic but this relationship has come close to destroying my life, my identity, any trace of self confidence I once had, my hope and belief that good things will and can happen. I am now almost too old to have children too. I feel humiliated, ugly, and stupid for believing in something that was so completely wrong. This man never really wanted to marry me. He just never wanted to let me go. He was ‘on the fence’ for 8 years. What does that day about me?
How am I coping? I’m hanging on by a thread. I cry, a lot. I feel more disappointed than I ever thought possible. I stay up all night, unable to sleep/rest, thinking about my life which is now a pathetic train wreck. I worry about all the struggles I’m about to face, while he sits comfortably in “our” home, acting unemotional and not being inconvenienced at all. (He made sure to focus on his own success while emotionally / physically abandoning me for Years). He has great life. I look around me now and realize that I have almost nothing. I know it’s partly my fault. Clearly, I can’t trust my instincts when it comes to men/relationships and love. I hung on to long. Believed in him/us too much, too long. .. And I guess even though I DON’T cheat and I DON’T lie, everyone else on Earth does. I’m just a gullible sucker I guess.
Anne says
Katharine, I am so sorry! At this point you are still reeling from it all but I assure you it will get better. Be thankful that you didn’t marry him or have children with him because it would be so much more difficult to separate.
I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 44 years. It took me that long to finally realize that he wasn’t worthy and that all the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered was meant to control me. Men like my husband and your ex are narcissists who only care about themselves and have no inner core of strength. They use people as they see fit and discard them when they’re ready. If you dare to leave then you are just let go because they know they can find another loving person to fool.
Hang in there, and good luck.
Jamall says
Thank you for this article. I had been feeling rejection from my children’s mother as she has a new man in her life who lives with her and is around my children.
Oh the pain of things and the thoughts of hurt that I have had, the jealousy the rage, the anger the frustration. It really has been very hurtful.
But I know that God is getting me over the hurt and rejection and this article really helps. I just want every heartache gone. I don’t want to feel anymore of this pain. This emotional pain.
But I know that God is my healer and that he is in charge and things will only continue to work in my favor.
So I am happy, excited, I’m glad that God has chosen me. He is all that matters and he loves me. I’m very happy for my kids om and her boyfriend. I wish them well. As for me. The best is yet to come. I already see the benefits of my healing. I already see and feel good things in my life. I already feel the joy of loving myself and the perseverance of getting over a toxic relationship.
I already feel my resiliency. I already see and feel how strong my heart and emotions are. So I thank my children’s mother for my rejection. I thank het boyfriend too because this chapter that has ended between me and them has caused me to develop a stronger love for God and that loves automatically translates to a stronger love for myself and for the woman and other people that God is placing in my life, one day at a time.
Thank you Jesus for Jesus.Thanks for this post.
Lady A says
I will save this article and refer back to it often! I am about to take a trip to a place where relatives, friends, and an old love have hurt and rejected me. I have such anxiety about this that I have canceled and rebooked the trip 3 times. But I’m not the avoidance type. The trip is mostly about memories and fun. It’s a college homecoming that happens to be in an area where most of my family resides, and I love my alma mater, but not them so much. I have positioned myself to not have to see these old friends, or the ex, while still getting the most out of the events. As for the relatives, I need them to see how I have been able to renew and fly despite their mistreatment. What will help the most is that I’m not responsible for how any of them are going to “show up”, only for my honesty and authentic self, which I have discovered to be quite powerful and empowering. I need to reclaim the place that I love and make it mine again. I hope his helps someone.
Dr. Khan says
Thanks for the inspiring article. Really needed that!
Janeen says
Thank you for this article.. I am seriously a very positive optimistic person and I am in the midst of overwhelming feelings of rejection from a love that has changed my life and brought out my light. He allowed me to truly love myself and feel amazing… 3 yr relationship but have felt a shift from him the past year.. Things have progressively changed, he has pulled away more and more and I just found out yesterday he has someone new to actually be in is life, we have struggled with a long distance relationship.. I feel so unloved, replaced, abandoned, fierce jealousy. I’ve never felt such depth of unworthiness, not good enough. I’ve never had feelings this dark and painful. Thank you for something I hope will begin to sink in… this pain feels devastating
C says
God I need more of these posts. My husband of 24 years is moving out this week (we have 3 kids). I’ve been in treatment for depression for nearly 7 weeks and he’s never once given me a hug or encouragement through this period. He claims he’s taken enough of my emotional abuse and needs distance to rebuild patience and compassion for me. Unfortunately, he’s said (in the past) that I push him away and that what he needs is space. I used to believe this, and feel betrayed by his latest actions, but it’s dawning on me that I’m the one who’s getting abused by his withholding affection and emotional support. If I had cancer would it be different? I can’t let his lack of commitment determine my happiness. I’m 47 and have many good years to go. I’m devastated by his constant rejection, but am learning that it’s a direct reflection on his own feelings toward himself.
Unknown says
I needed to read this, thank you. Recently I’ve been trying to move on from a friendship that has made me feel needy and used. He was a good guy
and we talked for months. What I didn’t like however is that he played with my feelings. Telling me how how he likes me then rejecting me.
Of course I was foolish to play along because I liked him back. I should have said something!
but I didn’t… and everything changed. I was the only one who cared enough to continue this friendship even though I liked him. I was putting on an effort for someone that made me feel insecure about myself.
It made me feel pathetic, needy, dependant, clingy. I tried my best to give him space and yet I know that he is capable of forgetting that I exist for months. He had grown distant and I was the only one that was putting the effort of continuing our friendship. After that I started blaming myself for everything and crying myself to sleep. I felt like I was a horrible person and friend.
I cared too much.
Terence says
I have not been rejected that often; but it happened lately. I fell for a woman who was in an in-and-out relationship and she did not let me off easy. I paid heavily for being a good person and honest. I do not struggle when it comes to self worth; luckily my achievements as well as my place in community are good. But I still hurt; worse still as she chose to invest her feelings in an abusing person. I do realize that her choices are what define her – but of course I repeat it still hurts.
Gina Hoyer says
Wow, that really hit home. I got my bachelor’s degree in social work. Lost my kids to my ex husband cuz I couldn’t find work in a military community. I haven’t heard from them in almost 3 years. I was the primary parent while he got deployed. The youngest was almost 13 when I was forced to leave Jacksonville, NC. Why this is my fault, I do not know. But the father of my 3 children will make sure they believe so.
Amy says
I am faced with the rejection of my two adult children since I left their abusive father 10 years ago. First it was my son as he chose to stay with his dad and we have not had a relationship since then despite numerous efforts to try to reconnect with him. Now it’s my daughter who has two children whom I have been on their lives since they were born. She distanced herself from her father after I left and came to live with me, she married had children and did not speak to her father. Then they reconnected a couple of years ago. I encouraged her to do this as he is her father and I hoped he would respect the fact that I had moved on with my life and now am in another relationship. This was not to be, since she has been seeing her father she has slowly started to distance herself from me. Now after two years of this she has cut contact with me all together. I cannot see my grandchildren, I cannot find out exactly what I have done to make this situation happen and I feel as though I just want to die. I have no other family, it’s so hard to realise that my grandchildren will probably grow up and forget me, I love them so much. I love my son and daughter so much. I’ve tried everything I can to talk to them and sort this out. Nothing works. Please help me.
Freddie M. Tibbs says
Wonderful blog indeed! Made me remember the days that I’ve been hurt. Especially #2 it really made an impact on myself. We really have to let it go instead of chasing it and crying over it every night, because God didn’t plan a scenario like that on us.
helen says
I am in a transition period, I recently read this blog and I hope that I can take some of the teachings away with me. I have been living in a foreign country for over a year (I have been living outside of the UK for about 5 years). Last year I was living with my boyfriend, we had our ups and downs, it was a very fast relationship, we met and because of the circumstances quickly moved in together. After several arguments I left unexpectedly to my home over Christmas, it was also my 30th birthday and I didn’t want to stick around and be broken hearted if we broke up. Certain things happened that meant we stayed in touch, whilst I was away we continued to stay in touch discussing getting back together. When I arrived back he collected me from the airport, at home he told me he had been seeing some else, then since that time we had been up and down trying to fix things or he freaked out and walked away. Two weeks ago, my siblings came to visit, just before they came to visit we had met and decided to give it a proper go, he talked about marriage and babies. 3 days after I found out the girl he was seeing was pregnant, they are keeping it. Since he told me, he has become the most vindictive person, saying hateful things just to hurt me. Looking back at our relationship, I know something wasn’t right, I really wanted it to work because he had been going through a lot of stuff and I thought he might come back a better person. I had experienced a lot of negativity around him and now he has become a toxic person that I cannot be connected with. But I’m crying everyday, I can’t sleep and this has knocked my confidence, I remember the good times and I get a pang of jealousy that he is going to be with someone else and having a child with that person. I can’t stop overthinking, I want to let go because I think this happened for a reason but everyday is hard and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Peggy says
I want to start by saying thank you, thank you and again thank you. I have been experiencing rejection from a very good and old friend lately. I should say off and on for the last couple of years and didn’t get to the bottom of it for fear of being rejecting for good. I know she loves me as I her but she has a thing about not returning phone calls. So our relationship hasn’t been what it used to be. I have been overthinking, rationalizing , putting her in the bad guy field and quickly switching myself in it by making excuses for her. I play this over and over and beside great lost ie. my father’s and sister’s death I don’t think I have felt so hurt and broken before. I know she has alot on her plate and I am a at home mom, writer/cardmaker/knitter/walking guru. and yes, a good friend to have as she is. I find it hard to write about it right now and it’s so strange for me being afraid of what will happen if we get down to the nitty and gritty. I want it to be about focusing on love, I don’t want it to be on blaming, but every time I get to questioning the issue of a good phone conversation, she really gets annoyed about it and we never really settled on maybe calling once a month or month and a half. Schedule some time for a coffee break, taking into consideration that she works a bit less nowadays. I need to go finish reading your post but I did have to come here and talk about it. The subject being so close to my broken heart right now.
Thank you,
Peggy
Alie says
This post could not have appeared at a better time for me. I was just rejected this morning from the fifth job I had applied for, after two interviews with the company. I was told in so many words that I was just who they were looking for, yet I didn’t get the job. I felt led on and being one of several of instances, it has made me spiral into a dark, suicidal place. A very small part of the back of my brain knows that I am being rejected to be shown something better but hearing that right now just makes me laugh with derision. I feel like I’ve tried my best, many times, and it just will never be good enough. I also feel like I’m clinging to a cliff and losing my grip, looking over my shoulder and considering the fall.
I do have brief moments where I can turn the thought around to a positive light, but they are very brief. I know I’ll get through it and try again when I see another job I’d be qualified for, and I have a couple close friends in whom I can confide, which honestly has kept me sane and moving forward, albeit slowly. But the dark part of my mind says, “you’re just going to fail again and you’ll never be acceptable.”
Your posts do provide a sigh of relief for me and another perception to store in the back of my mind, so thank you for being so open and down to earth.