Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.
“Today I lost the respect of a few people I love, and the desire to kill myself, when I finally took your advice and told everyone the truth about who I really am and what I’ve decided to do with my life. In a nutshell, I’ve chosen to love and honor myself, instead of convincing others to do it for me every day.”
Those are lines right out of a live chat session I had this morning with a longtime reader and new course member of ours. Although this person asked to remain anonymous, they gave me permission to share this with you, and I’m so glad they did.
Because the greatest struggle in life is the struggle to accept, embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections. To be 100% honest about who we are, how we feel and what we need. To stop discrediting ourselves for everything we aren’t, and start giving ourselves credit for everything we are. And to be aware that not everyone we love will agree with us every step of the way, and to be OK with it.
We have to learn to be our own best friends, because sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. We love the idea of others loving us, and we forget to love ourselves.
What we must realize is that our greatest task is not about discovering self-love; it’s about breaking down the walls we have built against it. When we have the courage to push through these walls – to know and embrace ourselves, despite our humanness, our flaws, and our rejections – we also open the door to connecting in more caring, empathic and intimate ways with others who are truly worth loving.
Which is why it’s time to…
- Start telling yourself what you love about yourself. – In your own life it’s important to know how spectacular you are. You really have to look in the mirror and be kind. Because what we see in the mirror is often what we see in the world. Our disappointment in others often reflects our disappointment in ourselves. Our acceptance of others often reflects our acceptance of ourselves. Our ability to see potential in others often reflects our ability to see potential in ourselves. Our patience with others often reflects our patience with ourselves. You get the idea – you’ve got to show yourself some love first and foremost.
- Be one with what is. – Something that’s really difficult, but totally worth it, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self. The most beautiful part of this journey is simply returning to the peaceful feeling of being. This peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.
- Focus less on winning the approval of others. – Remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. And you don’t have to get permission to do it differently either. Your time on this planet is precious. As the saying goes, “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live.
- Distance yourself from those who bring you down. – Being in no relationship is better than being in a wrong one. Don’t worry too much about folks who don’t worry about you. Know your worth! When you give yourself to those who disrespect you, you lose. Your friends in life should motivate, inspire and respect you. Your circle should be well rounded and supportive. Keep it tight. Quality over quantity, always.
- Forgive your past self. – When you confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with the light of your forgiveness, your willingness to wrestle with your demons in this way will cause your angels to sing. It’s just a matter of accepting that sometimes good people like you make bad choices. It doesn’t mean you’re bad; it means you’re human. Get bored with your past; it’s over. Forgive yourself for what you think you did or didn’t do, and focus on what you will do starting now. (Read The Miracle Morning.)
- Start making the changes you know you need to make. – Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever. If you want to see changes in your life today, you’ll have to do things that you’ve never done before. Different input = different output. Move away from the things that drain you and move toward the thoughts and activities that empower and fulfill you.
- Embrace the mistakes you haven’t even made yet. – To be successful in the long run, you must fail sometimes. So don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all.
- Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now. – No, you won’t always get what you want. And no, you won’t always be exactly where you want to be. But remember this: There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Happiness” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Do something every day that makes you happy. – There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short. Invest in the activities you deeply care about. A good life is about making a good decision every day to do something that moves you – caring for yourself by doing things you care about. It’s a matter of realizing that there’s nothing selfish about self-care. Because we can’t give what we don’t have. You have to experience life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others.
- Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunities. – Don’t let not knowing how it’ll end keep you from beginning. When we act, uncertainty chases us out into the open where opportunity awaits.
- Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything. – We cannot speak with integrity about a lifestyle we are not living. We don’t need more dazzling storytellers; we need more genuine ones. Listen to that inner voice. Confidence comes from knowing that what you’re doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU.
- Believe in your abilities. – All things are possible! The key is to identify what you want, claim it as part of who you are, and believe that you are worthy to have it. (Read Awaken the Giant Within.)
- Focus on writing your story, instead of reading, watching and hearing about everyone else’s. – And when you catch yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, remember that people often only show their highlight reel – especially online – not their reality.
- Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it. – One of the greatest presents you can give yourself (and your loved ones), is to be present, every chance you get. Your life is not between the moments of your birth and death; your life is between now and your next breath. Distractions are in the palms of our hands these days, but we need to remember to look up more often. So much is lost when we don’t.
- Loosen up and be a little less serious about it all. – All self-misery has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in taking life too seriously. If you take everything too seriously, especially yourself, you’ll wind up fearing every new step you take. Loosen up and laugh it off when you can – especially when things don’t go as planned. People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself and your circumstances.
- Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too. – Almost everything comes full circle. People who love themselves come across as very caring, generous and kind to others too; they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness and inclusiveness. So seek to understand others before you attempt to judge. And be thankful for rude, difficult people too – they serve as great reminders of how not to be.
Closing Thoughts
The bottom line is: People will come and go. Events will come and go. Day and night will come and go. But a true love for yourself will always remain with you, if you nurture it.
So put these things on your TO-DO list today, and tie them to the points above:
- Spend time doing things that help you love yourself more.
- Spend time thinking about things that help you love yourself more.
- Spend time with people who help you love yourself more.
Repeat tomorrow.
Your turn…
Which of these points do you struggle with? How will you love yourself more today? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
Photo by: Kristi
Theresa says
Point#13 – Focus on writing your story, instead of reading, watching and hearing about everyone else’s really resonates with me. I’ve been doing this for a little more over a year now and it really is a great way for me to ground myself and focus on who I am and my being instead of being caught up comparing myself with others. Other self loving practices I do is not being afraid to seek and ask for help when needed, and being picky with who I share my heart, energy and time with.
Christian says
Thank you Marc. As much as I know all of these things, I think I need to print this out and post it where I can see it every day!
What helps me love myself more:
1. Spending time doing things I love.
2. Spending time with great people.
3. Reading blogs and books like yours to keep me inspired and mindful.
Monica says
Beautiful and important message. As a Mom and former School Counselor I was touched by this article. Once we learn how to appreciate and love ourselves (flaws and all) our world and relationships will change for the better. Thank you for sharing this post (and this whole blog). I will be sharing it with others.
J.J. says
A quote I picked up from your book awhile back: “You are a victim of the beliefs you live by.”
So profound, and so true. I have it pinned to my bathroom mirror and I read it every morning.
My self-limiting beliefs are something I used to desperately struggle with, but not so much anymore. Thank you for guiding me.
Chy says
I came across this blog today and have yet to do research on any of the books. But I strongly feel they would be worth the read, based solely on these sixteen steps and the quote you wrote in your comment.
I try to distract myself constantly with random hobbies and good company, while avoiding the real issue. I have been stuck in a rut for longer than I would like to admit, knowing all too well there’s no one who can really help pull me out but me, yet as if on purpose I stay and claim to be content there. All because I’ve let my overwhelming doubt in my abilities (any abilities) keep me from putting myself out there and just going for it. I guess the fear of actual failure seemed more damaging to me than the constant failure I lived everyday by never even trying. And after all the wasted weeks…months…ok, years..I now beg for that feeling of failure if that failure means that at least I tried, at this point, tried at all.
My comment dragged on a little longer than I intended, but thank you for that inspirational quote and thank you to the writers of this blog. Definitely advice worth sharing 🙂
Viktoriya says
So true…Thank you very much for your post.
Sandra Pawula says
I do loving kindness practice, which begins with loving oneself and gradually extends to loving those close to you, those you feel neutral about, and finally even those who annoy and irritate you or who you may see as an enemy.
I find loving oneself makes it so much easier to love others too and that’s a positive way to change the world.
Becca says
Remember, you create the world you live in. Everyone and everything in your life you have drawn to you. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
Yvonne I. Wilson says
Hi Marc
Great advice in this post. The one I tend to struggle with the most is #15 . I tend to be a bit too serious and hard on myself at times.
A good place to start today is to lighten up, have fun and spend more time with the people who have a great sense of humor. Laughter is the best medicine.
Annie says
I really find your articles useful and and always look forward to them dropping into my inbox. I too have shared this on my FB business page and sent the article to some of my clients who I know will resonate with the message.
I am a complete advocate of personal development and sometimes just reading even a few lines will remind me again of how to just ‘be’! Thank you.
Kim says
Your posts are always well written and thought out, but this one was phenomenal! I actually got a stack of index cards and took notes. So many of us have this false sense of being in the world, to satisfy our parents and society, but it does not make us happy. Making everyone else happy and not self, kills the spirit. Thanks you!
David Rapp says
For me number 6 and 12 are the focal points. I know the changes I need to make, but I am letting my own schedule get in the way. There is time enough, but I over book the week and literal recover on the weekends.
As for #12, all things are NOT possible if you do not get off your duff and proactively engage. All things then become possible, and when you engage things become probable…which is much better than possible.
Alexis Paige says
This helped so much. Thank you for sharing.
Lorna says
This is such a lovely idea for a post!
Lorna | studsanddreams.com
xx
Rose Costas says
Awesome advice. Too often we spend time trying to be everything to everyone… and everyone else beside ourselves.
I am just figuring out who I am after years of being afraid to embrace myself and to love myself, faults and all.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Linda says
Thanks for this post. I’ve been feeling down lately, and this is exactly what I needed to start turning things around.
Chas says
If you cant live WITH yourself..Then how can you expect someone else to live with you…I believe that you are best to others when you are first and foremost at best living WITH yourself..
Elena says
I love your writings. I only wish I had the strength to love myself and have confidence. Even my teenage children see me so sad and self pitying. And to look at me from the outside….I’m put together well, work full time, have 2 great kids who I underappreciate; and yet I look in the mirror and just see “nothing”. I didn’t mention that I am kind and giving and work w ill people who love me and appreciate me. Why can’t I?
Darleen says
It was as if I was reading my own words.
Richiiii says
Yesterday only I was thinking of how to love yourself articles and today morning it was there in my mail box from you. Thanks a lot for such a great article.
But the only thing is my mind is not stable yet. One day it will be full of all positivity and the next day it will get fill up with all negativity…which as a result creates a problem in loving myself ‘coz of the bad things I don under the influence of negativity in my mind.
A not changing…every time m trying but m failing it has been more then 5 years m thinking of improving things in me….but they are not improving.
Mati says
I’m working on “Focus less on winning the approval of others” and on “Start making the changes you know you need to make”.
I’m trying to love myself more by smiling every time when I see myself in the mirror.
Thank you for your great post!
Cath says
Beautiful! Just in time! Continue to be a blessing.
Brenda Merida says
Just a little bit of humor: I couldn’t stand my roommate and I lived by myself!
BlackDiamond says
Such a powerful article with such great principles for self-love and living authentically. So many resonate with me and my current journey and challenges I’m overcoming. 5,6,7,10, 11 and 12 are point of interest to me as I’m making a transition and letting go of the notion of making mistakes and being uncertain on how the outcome will present itself.
I’m reminded though, that I am capable and competent enough to handle any outcome and God has given me the ability to adjust intelligently and intuitively if the situations are not what I envision. In addition, I have vision and faith that these situations can present the best and highest good for me and elevate me to outcomes larger than I’ve ever imagined. Thanks for the post.
Slavs says
Thank you! Loving yourself and accepting who you are is actually accepting the world you live in. It goes together and can not be divided.
Once more thank you, you made my day and all the other coming days…
Marc Chernoff says
@Sandra and David: Thank you so much for sharing those self-love strategies. Certainly gives me something new to consider.
@Elena: I think the exercise at the bottom of this post may help you: 10 Things Self-Loving People Do Differently
@Everyone: Thank you, as always. Your words continue to inspire us to write the next article (and I’m actually working on one now). 🙂
Margaret foster says
As usual your article spoke volumes to my heart. I keep taking notes, wish i could remember it all.
And I love what the person BlackDiamond wrote, it made me feel competent about myself and that Father would always be there to help me no matter what.
– Margaret
Amelia says
Thank you for this article , Marc! I’ve been reading some of your articles on fb, and they are very insightful, and help me with my situation! At present I am stuck in my ethnic community in Australia, and have been throughout my teenage years and youth. As it turns out, these people are ultra conventional, while I’m spontaneous and free-thinking. So, this has had an enormous negative impact on my life in the past 20 years.
I feel imprisoned, in a vicious cycle: they want me to kiss their ass and follow their dumb rules, so they abuse me thru isolation, so that I’d crawl back to them for acceptance! Their other means of abuse is making you feel worthless, so you’d crawl back, so that they’d throw you crumbs! I know how this sounds, but it was not my choice to leave my country in Europe, and it’s paradoxical that I live in Australia, but I live like a slave with no feelings of self-worth! They stole my money thru deceit, so I’m also falsely imprisoned, I cannot leave! They feed me bull**** all the time, how I’m so lucky to be in Australia, etc. I am being isolated like a leper, and yet they want me around, as a measuring stick, so that they feel better about their pathetic lives! …..
I’m sorry for the long post, could you please give me any advice about how I could leave????
Gloria says
Why is so hard to forgive myself for the guys I dated, who never took their time to know me? I feel like I’ve been used emotionally and… I can’t seem to snap over … Any words of advice?
Kelli says
#5 and #12 toss me around at times. I’m a late bloomer and sometimes get caught up in rehashing and self-doubt. Discovering, clarifying, and living my truth is an inspirational practice that helps keep me focused on my gifts, talents, and potential. I am enough! Living in the present is also important! Love your blog! ?
Dannie says
I have to agree, I suffer with self doubt also. I’m learning to appreciate me more and not worry about what others think or feel of me.
Dannie says
I would have to say #8 is what I would have to work on the most. I agree with everything 100%! I feel everybody has things about themselves that they have to confront at some point but never do and stay stuck. I definitely don’t want to be any of those people. Thanks for writing this!!
Tejal Patel says
Thank you for this post. I love it!
madeline johnson says
Tremendously inspiring article. Thank you for the book recommendations as well. Practicing each step starting today – with a beginner’s mind.
Marissa says
Focus on writing your story, instead of reading, watching and hearing about everyone else’s. – And when you catch yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, remember that people often only show their highlight reel – especially online – not their reality.
These steps have really helped me but this sticks out the most. I often find myself comparing myself to others and wishing and wondering when will i do as good as them but in reality really who post on social networks the bad in life?! Whats life without failures. You have to fail in order to succeed so when i fail i will appreciate the failure instead of bashing myself i wont compare my situation to nobody else we all have our own lives with different purposes my failure isnt yours and your success isnt mine.love yourself first or nobody else will
Nerdy Creator says
Great article! My theme for 2016 is self-love. So I’m finding ways to love myself more this year. Your article gives me a lot of ideas to work for this year. Thanks!
Nikki says
That’s my yearly theme too!
Pauline says
Great tips! I love to do something every day that makes me happy and tip number one is very important, what we tell ourselves can make a huge difference to how we feel about ourselves.
yusri says
I do cry when I read this article. I’ve been so mean to myself.
stace says
Number 1 would be my biggest challenge. I find it hard to use any word stronger than ‘like’ in reference to myself. So I have decided to just aim for one thing that I can say I love about myself a day and see what grows from there. Number 15 is definitely one I think I should get tattooed somewhere very visible to remind myself. Amazingly enough, I feel like mosf of the others get a peek in every now and then, so I guess the next step is to make them more regular features in my daily life. Thanks for a really timely article.
David says
Hi to all, I have been blessed with a life of abundance. I have made more money than is considered normal and in less than 2 years lost it all. My home, my family, my business. I know that I was identified with external items, my way of compensation. Through the years the universe gave me opportunities to discover what is really true. I didn’t see any of it. These past two year have been the major kick I needed. In doing a lot of soul searching I have come to understand that it was self love that was missing all the time. Only now that I have lost all the external trappings and see the real value in those around me do I get it. And it took only 57 years. Everything you say here Marc is spot on. Incredibly inspirational and in an easy language to understand. So to everyone who has been fortunate enough to come across Marc’s blog my words to you are “never give up!”
Camryn says
I really needed to read this. I try to hard to be that perfect image and it has ruined me. I am unique, everybody is. And I shouldn’t let that stop me from continuing life being happy. This is giving me a different view on life and that I should be happy with myself and not care about what others think about me.
Will says
Point #16:Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too. – Almost everything comes full circle. People who love themselves come across as very caring, generous and kind to others too; they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness and inclusiveness. So seek to understand others before you attempt to judge. And be thankful for rude, difficult people too – they serve as great reminders of how not to be.
This point gives me a better understanding of the toxic people I have been around and how bad of a influence they were about how I wanted to live my life. They indeed serve as great reminders of how not to be. I so happy that I found this website. Thank you for doing what you guys do, I am a new reader and visitor to this website and it has helped me prepare for positive changes to my life. Thank you again.
Destiny says
Forgiving your past self is the hardest shit I have ever done in my entire life. I lived everyday being afraid of what people think about me, been afraid of being judged by my own friends and family.. It’s hard to recover from the trauma of your past, but when you learn not to give a damn about anything than yourself, then you’ll be able to forgive yourself, from all the sins or mistakes you made… Thank you for this wonderful blog. <3