When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little. Sometimes you just need to let go, relax, take a deep breath and love what is.
This morning I met up with an old friend, someone whom I care about deeply but have internally struggled with for years because I’ve always been worried about her health.
I want to help her heal, because I feel I’m losing her.
I want to teach her the time-tested tools for living a happier, simpler, healthier life that I’ve helped so many other people with — so she can give up her addictions, take up exercise and mindfulness, nurture her needs, and suddenly be transformed into a healthy person again.
But that’s not reality. I want to control something that frightens me, but I can’t do anything about it. Because I’m not in control of anyone but myself. I want to help my friend, but she’s not interested in being helped. She’s actually told me so a dozen times in the past.
So today, I let go.
Not “let go” as in “let her go.” I “let go” as in I stopped trying to control, stopped trying to change her, and instead took a deep breath and accepted her for exactly who she is.
And guess what? Who she is — is a blessing. Who she is — is something so ridiculously special and unique I have a hard time expressing it. She’s hilarious and passionate and compassionate and wise and wild and thoughtful and loyal and did I mention wild?
I let go, and accepted her whole truth, and only then could I actually enjoy all of HER, instead of worrying about losing her or changing her ways.
And this, I’ve learned, is the best way to be in all walks of life…
You can stop trying to change people, and just let go and dissolve into their presence, just notice who they really are, just appreciate every idiosyncratic quirk. You can stop complaining about your life circumstances, about your losses, about how the world is, and just let go and love what is.
Just be. Just accept. Just appreciate.
Here’s what you gain when you do…
1. You fall in love with people for who they really are.
It’s OK to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by those you love. But that doesn’t give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse them of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they’re saying. Learn to recognize interesting perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable.
Truth be told, we don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them amazing.
Love is about letting those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who we think they should be.
2. You grow beyond everyone’s perpetual misunderstandings.
How often have you been misunderstood? How often has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings?
Think about it. How many opportunities have you been denied — or, for that matter, been granted — because someone failed to understand you completely? How many friends have you lost, and how many have you gained, because they saw a glimpse of some part of your personality that shone through for only a short time, and under circumstances that could never be reproduced on a regular basis?
How often has your life been driven by misunderstandings and illusions — like someone seeing mirages of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway, and then vanishing moments later? And how often have these misunderstandings and illusions disappointed you or stressed you out because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you?
The truth is, people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not.
It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you.
It’s time to just do the best you can.
3. You get to enjoy the peace that’s already within you.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”
Modern behavioral science agrees too. American psychologist Albert Ellis has proven that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves.
Realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace. Because inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when you’ve surrendered your ego and worries. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than an egotistic worry, and worries like this simply lead you in circles.
Peace of mind arrives anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. It happens when you let go of the need for things to be different than they are. (Read Loving What Is.)
4. You learn more about how life really works.
When you attempt to control the uncontrollable you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. So here’s a simple challenge for you: Instead of trying to make things work exactly the way you want them to work, just watch them work today.
I bet you’ll learn much more about human nature and the inner workings of the world. As you see things working without you controlling them, the way you see what you see will gradually change. Because YOU will gradually change. You will begin to understand that things are a little different than you wanted them to be. And that’s perfectly OK.
5. You experience more of life’s pleasant surprises.
Would you really want to be in 100% control of everything, and know your future every step of the way?
If you’re thinking, “yes,” think again. Not knowing is one of the greatest gifts.
Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and magnificent surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some tune that moves you to the point of tears…
Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life?
6. You free your mind from needless worries.
No matter what happens, no matter the outcome, the sun will rise and set. The world around you is going to spin one way or the other. So why not allow the universe to bless you in surprising and joyful ways?
Think about it…
What if, instead of pushing so hard to make life happen every second, you decided to let go a little and allow life to happen to you sometimes?
What if, instead of trying to be in constant control, you simply surrendered control to something bigger than yourself?
What if, instead of working so hard to figure out every last answer, you allowed yourself to be guided to the solution in perfect timing?
And what if, there was no solution needed at all?
7. You get more of what you want, by doing less.
“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” This is a quote I heard at a meditation retreat several years ago in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your thoughts.
I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something, you’re loosening up, giving it more space, a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And yet your needs will be met too — you will have more space to be at peace with the way the animals are.
This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like your attitude about everything. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Simplicity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Afterthoughts
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is your battleground. It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your cravings to control the uncontrollable.
And if you allow those thoughts and cravings to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You will think yourself into a nervous breakdown, into depression, and into defeat.
Truthfully, there’s so much about life that you can’t control, it makes no sense waste your energy on these things and then neglect everything you CAN control.
You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with. You can choose to love and appreciate the people in your life for exactly who they are. You can choose how you’re going to respond to surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for emotional growth…
And most importantly, you can choose to let go of control and adjust your attitude in an instant, which dictates pretty much everything else.
Your turn…
In what area of your life do you need to loosen up and let go of control? What worries you about this? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Manuel Rodriguez
Megan says
What resonated the most about this post is choosing to let go and not struggle or resist life so much, to simply loosen up trying to control or plan every little thing (especially my relationships), and to trust in the universe a little more. This article, like your book and weekly emails, has given me a great, calming perspective. I’m finding my way to a clearer mind, day by day, with your help.
Marc Chernoff says
So glad you appreciate our articles and book. Thank you for supporting our work, Megan.
J.J. says
My life experience is very close to what you have described. Trying to control too much has held me back. We all need to let go and let more things happen naturally. Terribly tough to adhere to sometimes, but extremely liberating! When we are furiously running on a treadmill of stubbornness, we often miss out a lot of amazing scenery. Your course has been helping me let go and refocus on what’s truly important. It is a gradual process, and I’m getting closer. Thank you again for all the guidance.
Marc Chernoff says
Step by step, J.J.. You’re doing great. 😉
Peter Owen says
Letting go is my greatest ongoing battle, so I greatly enjoyed this one. My controlling tendencies often ruin my peace of mind. I resonated the most with the final three points. Thank you for the much needed perspective.
Lei Lani Lucero says
Simply stated.
Perfectly understandable.
Eloquently quotable.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the kindness.
Marshall says
Outstanding piece of writing, one I resonate with very much. This is the realm of thinking where duality will confuse. Our ego is the part of our mind we want to let go of in which desires control, tho it could never have control. If we practice stillness and allow the flow to go its way, things happen much smoother and for our authentic selfs’ benefit. Fastest way to clear muddy water is to leave it alone..reminds me of the pasture quote, also so does ‘Delagate authority’ in the business world is said to allow the company to manage themselves, giving more meaning to their job.
Thank you Marc and Angel
Marc Chernoff says
No doubt about it, Marshall. There is something powerful about acceptance and autonomy in the workplace. Guide others, but don’t try to control them.
Sabeen says
I just loved your article …. have also read your previous articles …. they were good too …..
thing you discussed is pretty much true …… we “the humans of today” want to be the GOD of our lives …. which we can’t …. reading your article was soothing my mind … want to lose control a little and watch some things just happen themselves …. that really gives peace of mind …. thanks for the soup for the soul … 🙂
Leslie G. says
I look forward to these posts every day. I am struggling with the biggest challenge of my life and fear that i am losing. I see myself in nearly every one of your posts. I dont know which way to go, and end up doing nothing.
Marc Chernoff says
Leslie, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. We try to present these articles with actionable tips, but if you need further assistance, we’re happy to help one-on-one via our course/coaching. If you have questions, just let us know how we can further assist you. 🙂
Ruth says
How true! Let go…
I had a tire blowout on my car the other evening…alone. Dark – storm coming in…
Instead of freaking out…I called a friend ( I don’t ask for help – that would mean I’m not in control ) she came immediately…called another handy friend – and within minutes…..I’m driving safely home.
On the way home I remember thinking…Thank you God! For the opportunity to remember what true friendship is! The opportunity to appreciate my health and well being. I could have been hurt – had I been on an interstate etc. And that people are good…I didn’t have to earn their help…and I don’t have control of my life’s lessons. Their blessing just come when they’re suppose to ! :o)
Tara says
I know all of this, but I really needed to know it again today! Thank you! LOVE the animal and pasture analogy!
Andrew Zimmermann says
Such a great article. So much of our stress occurs when we focus on things that we can’t control. In this story you want to be able to control what your friend does. You wanted her to be healthy and make changes which were 100% out of your control. It wasn’t until you let go of that need to control something that you couldn’t that you could be truly present with her.
I had a similar story with my parents. I am a behavioral psychologist and my parents had many bad habits developed over the course of their lives and I started to look at them as an experiment. I wanted to see if I could design healthy behaviors into their lives. The part I missed was allowing them to be active participants instead of trying to force my “knowledge and expertise” on them to “help” them.
When I let go of trying to control their actions and behaviors and instead focused on things that were actually in my control like being present with them and caring about them for who they are not for who I wanted them to be, they actually started to change. They have been an inspiration to me because even at the age of 60 they have started to make changes to things that were ingrained into them. They began exercising daily, eating healthier, and getting rid of things they had held on to for decades.
When I focused on loving them for who they were, I began to see the changes that I ignored before and they began to inspire me to change as well.
I love this article. Thank you Marc and Angel for your work.
Marc Chernoff says
Love your sentiment, Andrew. I couldn’t agree more.
Heitem Ak says
This is so true!
Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and let go!
Keep them coming,
Heitem Ak
Jake Mcspirit says
Hi Marc,
What you’ve highlighted here is so crucial… Very often I find myself trying to ‘control’ things that are ultimately out of my control. It’s not until I let it go that I realise what I can appreciate about the situation.
Thanks for this,
Jake.
Sergio Rodrigues says
The more I read your posts, the more I realized they were written for me. I can’t help seeing myself in each of them!
Lori Wilson says
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You continue to teach me things that help me in my daily life. More of the world needs to be introduced to you, I’m convinced it would be a better happier wiser place. I’m constantly sharing your emails with friends and family. You’re a true gift.
Sheila says
Just be. Just accept. Just appreciate.
I love this post!
Unique M says
Thanks Marc…very timely and very inspiring.
Ning says
Beautiful words at a beautiful time. These are the things in life that I don’t want to miss.
Scothez says
I have been receiving your articles by email. Truly inspiring. Thanks.
Marc Chernoff says
So glad you’re enjoying the emails, Scothez. 🙂
Miranda Crochet says
First of all, I greatly appreciate your daily posts and along with several other books, I read a chapter of yours each day before bed. All I want in my life is to be healthy.. physically, emotionally, and spiritually and I love reading anything that helps me.
As someone that has struggled with life-long anxiety and bouts of panic disorder, letting go of control is one of the most difficult things to do. It’s not that I actually believe I have control, but assuming the negative outcomes seemingly helps soften the blow when things don’t go as planned. I hate living this way and I am actively trying to change that..
It is so comforting to read things like this and stories from other people who deal with the same issues. Nothing comforts me more than knowing I am not alone.. I am very thankful for people like you! 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
You are not alone, Miranda. I’m so glad you find comfort and value in what we share.
Speeli says
This is a very interesting read for me because I always strive to be in control. I never looked at things from this angle. Thanks for posting that eye opener.
Nersida says
True inspiration, thank you so much!!
Chiz says
I try so hard to hammer this home with my 15 year old. She has unrealistic expectations of what friendships should be. I tell her to just let it go, take the friendships for what they are – a bonus in her life, and to be her own best friend.
leah says
Excellent advice. I gain so much value from your posts.
Revena J says
Another insightful post. This was a huge lesson I had to learn as I constantly fought to control various situations around me. But the moment I let go everything began to fall into place. Most importantly, I regained my peace of mind. I am in a much better place now emotionally& mentally. It is true when you stop trying to control things around you the beauty of life begins to unfold. Keep up the good work! *avid reader frm Jamaica*
mariam says
This is my first time to comment on your posts and I have seen great changes in my life through them. Thanks a lot.
DINEO says
Your guy are the best… Your posts are always so on point. Keep up the good work. I am truly inspired by you.
Karen says
The illusion of control is futility. Letting go of the need to control everything, though difficult, brings peace of mind. I choose peace!
Yesterday, I discovered you and I took the time to read and reflect on a few of your posts! They are insightful, refreshing and encouraging. You have quite a gift and I thank you for being committed to helping others. Can’t wait to read more!
Carrie says
Thank you for this! One of the things I struggle with is self-control. My fear is if I let go of the control, then I’m vulnerable. Rejection scares me, so I hold on as tight as I can, though this way of thinking is holding me back from finding true love and happiness. A work in progress…
Becky says
I have finally started to admit that I am indeed a control freak and a huge over-thinker. This has lead to a lot of built up anxiety and stress but I am finally seeking help and after reading this article, I feel a little weight has just lifted off my shoulders. I need to remember that I don’t need to be in control all the time and that I can let things just happen.
Thank you again for this amazing article!
MJH says
I have just discovered you guys & I am enjoying what I am reading. It is hard though when you are in the midst of tourmoil to “not try to control” the outcome of a situation. I’m in the end of a 17 yr marriage w/ 3 children & an ex who has already found his apparent “soulmate”. So, it’s hard not to want to have control of everything around me that is spinning out of control.
alec says
My girlfriend and I broke up, and I always thought we would work things out. She started dating another guy and I lost my mind. I tried desperately to control the situation. It only drove her away. Slowly, she and I started to reconnect. One night she came over and we had a nice reunion (nothing dirty, just intimate and tender.)
The next day she was going to tell the guy that it was over. It turned into my worst nightmare. She had a long three hour conversation that ended in lots of tears, and she decided that she wasn’t going to date anybody until she sorted out her feelings.
She and I haven’t spoken much, but she has remained friends with the other guy. I keep falling into old habits of trying control her feelings so we can get back together. It’s helped push me into self improvement. But, I still struggle with letting events unfold as they were meant to.
Noreen says
I struggle to control employees work ethics since I have a very strong work ethics, but found out that I cannot do that. People are going to be who they are and so I just need to let go. I am learning slowly that I just need to step back breath and be who I am and not try and let everyone be like me.