Be wise enough to let go of the negativity inside you.
“I know my negativity kills me, so why do I think like this?”
You wouldn’t believe how many emails Angel and I receive every day that contain a similar question. Thankfully, we have answers.
Over the past decade we’ve coached thousands of people who were struggling with various forms of self-inflicted negativity, and we’ve learned a lot by helping them get their thoughts straight.
Thinking ‘the worst,’ expecting catastrophic failure and betrayal, seeing problems where others don’t, and even seeing positives as negatives – all convey a kind of emotional insurance policy. “If I expect the worst, then I won’t be disappointed if and when it happens.”
Can you relate in any way?
Another negative thinking trap that can mess with us is the ‘I told you so’ syndrome. For some people, it can feel more important to be proved right in their negative predictions than to have good things happen (and therefore be proved ‘wrong’).
Before I get too positive about negativity though, here’s a thought: The habit of thinking negatively doesn’t just predict how likely someone is to become depressed, but also predicts how likely they are to suffer from all sorts of other diseases and disorders later on in life. I’m not suggesting that negative thinking alone creates disease, but it certainly doesn’t help.
In this post we’re going to look at what you can do to stop thinking negatively. But first, let’s examine a super-common mistake negative people tend to make:
Negative people are often proud to describe themselves as ‘realists.’ Of course, anyone who holds a strong belief thinks they are being ‘realistic’ by holding it, whether it involves UFO encounters or perfectly truthful politicians.
The ‘being more realistic’ declaration is a favorite of cynics everywhere. And in a way they are correct. But only because negative thinking causes us not to try – or if we do try, to do it half-heartedly and give up sooner – so the negativity itself influences our outcomes. Self-fulfilling predictions like this really do happen. Research has even found that in some cases what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual health.
What makes all of this so scary is the fact that it means negative thoughts can plague us even when things seem to be going relatively well. For instance, the thought “It’s too good to last!” quickly wrecks havoc on a positive situation. Thus, my first tip has to do with how negative thinking distorts our perception…
1. Stop thinking in extremes.
Life simply isn’t black or white – 100% of this or 100% of that – all or nothing. Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to misery, because negative thinking tends to view any situation that’s less than perfect as being extremely bad. For example:
- Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute home from work, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined my night!”
- Instead of my business venture taking a while to gain traction, “it’s never going to work, and it’s going to completely ruin my financial future.”
- Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me.”
All or nothing thinking completely misses out the subtle shades in life. It makes us see the future in terms of dramatic disasters, disappointments and catastrophes. Sure, disasters occasionally happen, but contrary to what you many see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and devastation.
The first step to overcoming negative thinking isn’t to ‘just be positive’ suddenly, but to carefully look for shades of grey. Say you’ve been worrying about an intimate relationship. Rather than thinking: “It’s going to end with two broken hearts, I just know it is” or even “It’s going to be absolutely perfect 24/7,” how about: “I expect there will be great times, good times, and not so good times, but we will work together, respect each other, and give our relationship a fair chance before drawing any conclusions. ”
2. Stop over-generalizing the negative.
Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”
For example, if someone turns you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time, and place by telling yourself: “Relationships never work out for me, ever”? If you fail an exam do you say to yourself, “Well, I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study harder next time”? Or do you over-generalize it by telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?
And this leads in perfectly to the next point…
3. Stop minimizing the positive.
Negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes, even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental screen filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the ‘negative bias.’ Magnifying setbacks and minimizing successes leads to de-motivation and misery in the long run. Know this.
Get into the habit of seeing setbacks as temporary and specific learning experiences rather than as permanent and pervasive misfortunes. We all tend to find what we look for in life. If you find yourself thinking negatively about a person, for instance, get into the habit of balancing it out with one positive thought about them: “She’s so selfish… Mind you, to be fair, she was helpful when my car broke down last year… and she does have a good sense of humor…” The positive is always there somewhere, but you have to search for it. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Stop looking for negative signs from others.
Too often we jump to conclusions, only to cause ourselves and others unnecessary frustration, hurt and anger. If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.
Thinking negatively will inevitably lead you to interpret everything another person does as being negative, especially when you are uncertain about what the other person is thinking. For instance, “He hasn’t called, so he must not want to talk to me,” or, “She only said that to be nice, but she doesn’t really mean it.”
Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign. On the flip side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story is essential to overcoming negative thinking. When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones. In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why he hasn’t called, but maybe…”
- “…he’s extremely busy at work.”
- “…his phone has a poor signal in the office building.”
- “…he’s simply waiting for me to call him.”
- etc.
You get the get the idea. None of these circumstances are negative and all are as plausible as any other possible explanation.
Next time you feel uncertain and insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about a problem that doesn’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a positive life.
5. Stop making unreasonable rules and expectations.
You must deal with the world the way it is, not the way you expect it to be. Life is under no obligation to give you exactly what you expect. In fact, whatever it is you’re seeking will rarely ever come in the form you’re expecting, but that doesn’t make it any less wonderful.
Stop forcing your own misconstrued expectations and rules on life…
- “He was late, so he must not care about me.” – Or perhaps he just got caught in traffic.
- “If I can’t do this correctly, then I must not be smart enough.” – Or perhaps you just need more practice.
- “I haven’t heard back from my doctor, so the test results must be bad.” – Or perhaps the lab is just really busy and your results aren’t available yet.
- etc.
Inventing rules like these about how life must be, based on your own stubborn expectations, is a great way to keep your mind stuck in the gutter. This isn’t to say that you should never expect anything at all from yourself and others (diligence, honesty, determination, etc.), but rather that the rules that govern your expectations should not steer you toward unreasonably negative conclusions.
If you feel dissatisfied or let down by an outcome, then you must have been expecting something different. Rather than get upset, ask yourself, “Were my expectations too narrow?” and “What new truths have I learned?”
The bottom line is that you must see and accept things as they are instead of as you hoped, wished, or expected them to be. Just because it didn’t turn out like you had envisioned, doesn’t mean it isn’t exactly what you need to get to where you ultimately want to go.
Afterthoughts
There’s a quote I’ve always loved that’s often credited to Ignatius: “Pray as if God will take care of all; act as if all is up to you.”
That’s a strong way to live. It’s about using your faith to fuel positive thinking and positive action, every single day.
This is what I wish for myself. And this is what I wish for you.
Let’s choose positivity today. Together. (And we’re here to help too if you need us.)
Your turn…
Which point above resonates with you the most? What else helps you stay positive and motivated in the face of this negativity? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Sayla Marz
Amandah says
Marc, a quote I pulled from your book a few weeks ago that both relates to this post and resonates deeply with me is this: “An entire body of water the size of the Pacific Ocean can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship.”
It gives me a new perspective to keep my smile even when I sometimes find pain and disappointment around me and within me.
Everything you write – your blog posts, newsletters, book, etc. – have been giving me the strength and tactics to get through a very difficult time filled with negativity. I appreciate everything you and Angel do.
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for the continued support, Amandah. So glad that quote gave you some perspective.
Jon Lefkove says
I have to agree! That is a great quote!! I’m trying to be more self aware lately. I definitely have to be more positive and less negative if I’m going to accomplish this.
Dave says
My biggest source of negativity is my yearning to have things be the way they “should be.” But with your help I am learning the power of living in gratitude with the way that things are. It’s an irony that being free from constantly trying to control what happens around me enables me to better control myself – what happens within me. Ironic to a degree, because I am better able to improve my life as I learn how to control my perceptions and reactions.
Jayne says
Such a great reminder! Blessings come from the other side of hardships. It seems it’s more about how we handle the journey than the journey itself!
Marc Chernoff says
Well said, Dave.
Laura77 says
Great article! And I agree with Dave’s comment. The reason so many people are negative is because of how easy it is to adopt a negative attitude, and how hard it is to maintain a positive attitude. So I live by the credo to not ‘should’ on myself and recognize that ‘we are not so much defined by our differences, as by our choices’.
The right to choose is #11 of our Bill of Rights and ‘To thine own self be true’ is my 11th Commandment.
Thanks Marc.
Yna Lenteria says
Great article.
Yatin Khulbe says
Thanks Marc for coming up with another wonderful post. I completely agree with your ‘shades of grey’ point.
It’s very common to lose all our hopes after facing an unexpected phase. At that moment, it is very easy to break down by framing all the negative clouds. On the other hand, it is not easy to eliminate all the dark clouds suddenly. It takes some time to heal.
Generalization is definitely one of the root cause of all negativities in life. There is no need to connect one failure with other things also. Instead of making this depressing chain, we must learn from our past faults.
Whenever I face some negativity in life, I always move forward with a positive hope.
Jeff says
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. And… guilty. You just described my thinking about myself. I think you’re correct that finding the grey is the key (at least for me). To jump from everything being a disaster to everything is perfect is a huge leap and (if I can speak in an extreme) almost impossible to do. It’s far too easy to get derailed trying to flip switches that drastically.
Moderation is my goal. It’s so easy to be fatalistic about everything because then the universe is against me and there’s no reason to try. It’s much harder to convince myself that life is full of beginnings and endings, and sometimes gray is the best we can get. But I’ll get there. (I hope).
Thanks for a great article!
Marc Chernoff says
Sounds like you have the right attitude and direction now, Jeff. Cheers to progress.
Sujing Chen says
Come to think of it, one of the reasons I think negatively is to prepare for the worst possible outcome. If the actual outcome is better than my expectation (often it is) I feel momentary relief. Negativities drain energy out of me I’ve come to realize how they can affect my mood and my body. Today I either brush off quickly at the first sign of negative thinking or I take time to reason it with many positive counterparts.
Jithin says
Just think of any negativity that comes at you as a raindrop falling into the ocean of your bliss.
Ruth says
I’m turning the corner on my negative thinking… some situations get a knee jerk reaction and old negative habits pop up, but they feel dark and murky… so the retraining of the brain is working… life is too short to get bogged down with dark stuff.
How important is it…. it will pass… it’s one person’s perception. I haven’t walked in this person’s shoes. It’s probably not about me… I don’t have to change the world, etc.
All wonderful lessons I’ve learned from your book and blog!! TY TY TY R
Marc Chernoff says
So glad our book and blog have made a difference to you, Ruth. Thanks for supporting our work. 🙂
Alena white says
Thanks for this article. Your articles are teaching me daily the importance of distinguishing whats made up in my mind and what is possibly really happening in life. We can truly be our worst enemy at times.
Brad says
Thinking in extremes is a problem for me. Definitely guilty of having one small negative blow out into a perception that everything is bad.
I think it is an excellent way of looking at things – not to rush for the positive – but to accept that there will be shades of grey. Keeps people on an even keel, rather than flopping from one extreme to the other.
Abdou Bojang says
Everything in the post resonates with me. However, I wish to dwell on the part where you say “stop minimizing the positive.” That portion of your write up has deep meaning for me because it confirms the musings of Prophet Muhammad where he challenges Muslims to look for the positive traits in people to balance out their negative sides. If we dwell on other people’s negatives, it makes cooperation and understanding highly unlikely. Fortunately, in order to make any meaningful progress in life, we need cooperation in the highest degree. Thank you very much for your trade in happiness. I will definitely grab a copy of your book.
Sergio Rodrigues says
My favorite: “It is too good to be true.”
Susan says
Great article. Husband is weak after stroke and I have not been mentally strong either. Thanks, you are a real help in my situation!
Marc Chernoff says
Stay strong, Susan. Sending prayers your way.
Stan says
This morning, I had to bring my car to an auto repair shop. I had been working on the brakes and could not get the very last connection loose. I was upset that I had rounded the connection and now had to have a mechanic do the repair I was going to save a large amount on by doing myself. When it got to the shop, the mechanic discovered another problem I didn’t know about that could have resulted in brake failure. I am so thankful I couldn’t get that last connection loose. No amount of monetary savings would have been worth having another person injured if the brakes had failed. The extra cost to fix it correctly is well worth the money. That is a big negative that was turned into a positive! I have been fortunate that I can tell many stories of how when I expected the worst, somehow things worked out better than I could have hoped for and I truly am thankful for all of those times. Someone is definitely watching over me.
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent example of a silvery lining. Thanks for sharing this story with us, Stan.
Sara Jacobovici says
Thank you Marc. This is my first opportunity to read one of your blogs and I found it rich and layered with insight and practical strategies. A few things stood out for me:
1. “self-inflicted negativity”; I have yet to find something we do to ourselves that is not attached to an experience or message attached to another. In this case, I would look not so much at the negativity but rather at the source. If we can find that the view doesn’t even belong to us, we can start making changes.
2. “negative thinking distorts our perception”; from my perspective our negative thinking forms our perception, in this way the perception already exists as a result of the negative thinking.
3. “Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a positive life.”; in this context “imagine” has a negative quality, i.e., you are imagining something negative that is not actually there. If you give someone the message “you’re just imagining it”, you are actually preventing the person from using the potential of this ability we have. Our ability to imagine can actually have the power to move us from negative to positive thinking. If you ask someone who is projecting negative thoughts to predict a disastrous future, can you imagine a positive outcome taking place? And they can’t, it says a lot as to how entrenched they are in the negativity. If you ask someone who describes their life in an only negative way, can you imagine any aspect of your life as positive? And they say, no, again it reflects how deep they are in the negativity. You’re “stop” strategies are very valuable.
I’d like to end my (long winded) comment with offering a “start” strategy; Start imagining, no matter how small or brief, something positive (either internal, such as your breathing without effort or external, the picture on the wall is easy to look at) in the moment. Accumulative imagined positive thoughts can lead to change.
GAJANAN KANADE says
“Stop making unreasonable rules and expectations.”
“You must deal with the world the way it is, not the way you expect it to be. Life is under no obligation to give you exactly what you expect..”
If anybody is trapped by life conflicts & chaos, by heeding to the above thoughts, he or she will be rescued swiftly.
THANK YOU SO MUCH….
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent perspective, Sara. Thank you.
Sandy C says
When negativity seems to color my view, I get outside myself by thinking of what I can do for someone else. It never fails to lift me up when my “ledger” seems to be all in red.
Marc Chernoff says
Love your sentiment, Sandy. And I couldn’t agree more. Giving back always gets you ahead.
Tanya says
I love your blog, each article has resonated with me in one way or another.
I like your point about not diluting positive occurrences with an “it’s too good to last!” mentality. I have a tendency to fear I’m jinxing things if I feel too happy about them or the way my life is going. I hope I can change that habit!
Mary says
We come into this world hearing the word “no” before we hear the word “yes.” So as a result we need to work very hard on fighting the negativity we hear. Your article addresses some of this in a very easy to understand manner. Something we need to read very often!!
CherryM says
Another wonderful, brilliantly considered article. I always head for your website when things are tough. I think of myself as being a very upbeat person who loves life and all it has to offer but have recently realised how very VERY down I am on myself. ‘The world is great but I keep failing to take my place in it’ sort of thinking. Madness.
Can’t choose a single point from that which is the most effective,. Together they make a really strong argument for approaching tough problems with gentle wisdom, kindness and faith that there is a solution or way through somehow.
Eric says
The fifth point resonates the most with me.
Really well written piece, thank you!
David says
The late Jim Rohn used to say, “You are the average of the the five people you spend the most time with.” So true, of ourselves and others. This is why I don’t spend much time with my family. They are some of the most negative people I’ve ever met. It’s very sad when it is those closest to us who push this negativity into our lives. It’s a true test of strength and resilience to spend a week visiting my parents and my sisters. I live 1500 miles away for a reason. Even so, others who are close to their families ridicule me for not being close to mine as if it’s a crime. Seriously, we each only have so much time and energy each day. What do we spend it on? I wish to spend mine on positive pursuits with positive people!
Mark Rogers says
Very Nice!
I think one of the big problems we can have is that negative thoughts tend to become an habitual, unconscious background to life.
It’s really important to get into habits of thought that counter that negativity.
Unnati says
I like how you get inside my head and fix my issues.
Great work, guys 🙂
B.G. says
Thank you for this great post. I look forward to reading more!
kgbb says
Black & white thinking and thinking things like “I’ll never be able to do it because I’m not smart enough,etc.” has always been my biggest enemy.
Thanks for the great post, it gives me something to fight back with!
Rohit says
Thanks fot the great insights. I think I belong to 4th and 5th category sometimes. But somehow I am able to overcome it by myself quickly. But for that much period of time lifes looks unreasonable.
I will surely put your suggestions into practice.
T says
Hello Marc & Angel,
The worst case scenario is something I’ve used as a defense mechanism but also as a tool to quell anxiety. Knowing how I can prepare myself as a result can be a saving grace. While I don’t spend hours fretting over every possible outcome, this method of thinking, in a moment, of how I might overcome the most disastrous outcome allows me to proceed with ease & makes me more confident I can deal with any of the subsequently more likely & more easily dealt with situations I may come across. I know I am capable of dealing with the worst, so anything else is more attainable, in a sense opening opportunities. Is this still a toxic way to be thinking? Sometimes we grow to love our chains & I wonder if my adaptation to think like this promotes negativity. I have been reading “How To Stop Worrying and Start Living” By Dale Carnegie & some of this is based on his techniques. I have self destructive tendencies & have been working on managing my expectations in others & especially in myself, trying to speak with myself more as I would to a friend as some of your other articles recommend. I’ve invented or adapted too many rules for myself to live by which create the stress & negativity I’m avoiding, so I’m keeping it simple – letting go of what I can’t control is imperative within that. Daily I battle internally to make simple decisions which in the past I’ve based on negative biases, it is not easy to shed them but mindfully & in time I suppose I will. Your posts continue to captivate & move me. Thank you for your being.
Yolo Spin says
It’s crazy! I remember as a kid wishing that the negative would happen because it seems that’s when it turned out good. Like I never got what I wanted from a situation. As an adult, my mind always resorts to the bad that can happen. I’ll have to dig deeper to understand why. Thanks for this post and I just made myself a post-it note on my lap top: Think Positive: Choose Positivity.
Imad LB says
One other thing that really has helped me is asking for help. Whether that help is a small favor from a friend or a big favor from work, asking for help, and then negotiating for mutual benefit often helps to get out of bad situations into something that better and more fulfilling.