“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
? Eleanor Roosevelt
Here I was flying over my favorite city in the entire world (Austin, TX) in a beautiful jet black multi-million dollar helicopter. This same exact helicopter had flown Brad Pitt over the city only a week prior.
The experience was a reward from one of my clients for helping her execute a successful online business launch earlier in the year that made six figures in six weeks. Yeah, that’s no typo. Six figures in six weeks!
A couple years ago if you would have told me I could help create $100K online for someone throughout my entire LIFETIME (let alone within six weeks), I would have called you bananas. Now, those numbers aren’t impossible for me to wrap my mind around.
But this kind of personal growth didn’t always come easy for me.
And life wasn’t always this adventurous or awesome.
SMALL TOWN GAL, BIG TIME DREAMS
I distinctly remember the moment we got the first great view from the air. I had this surreal moment where all I could think was… “Wow, is this my life?”
I had this mid-flight flashback to living in a tiny no-name town in the midwest, and growing up in poverty, after being born with severe medical problems to my 15-year-old mother.
Many people don’t realize this, but at birth I was given a 5% chance of living.
In elementary school, when my friends spent recess playing tag and burning off excess energy, I spent mine in physical therapy learning how to walk properly.
Being born with Cerebral Palsey, boundaries, walls, and thinking small was something I had to break through every single day of my life, starting from day one.
I was never even expected to be able to live on my own if I survived… and here I was checking off another crazy impossible adventure in my #YearOfFear challenge for this past year.
In this moment I realized, not only had I proved science (and all my doctors) wrong, but I could do anything I wanted if I put my mind to it.
I could (literally) go as high as I desired in life as long as I never let the rest of the world tell me what was possible or impossible.
I learned early on that the biggest barriers would never be found in the world around me, but within me.
THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE YOU WILL EVER FACE IS THE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR OWN TWO EARS
Three years ago a close friend introduced me to the Law of Attraction and it made me totally re-shape what was possible for my life.
When I realized the biggest limitation I faced was the space between my own two ears, everything changed.
When I started THINKING bigger, I started LIVING bigger. You can call it woo-woo all you want. But you know what isn’t woo-woo?
- Massively increasing my income.
- Attracting a kick ass career that let’s me work from anywhere in the world.
- Traveling any time I want, any where I want, without asking for permission.
All of those things and more came straight from expanding my thinking.
WHY YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT
It’s tough to take responsibility for our lives and the way we live without blaming it on outside forces (i.e. the economy, other people, how we were raised). Because when it’s 100% our responsibility, falling flat on our butts and failing is also ours to own.
So instead we often blame outside forces, because then it’s “not our fault” when things don’t work out.
But make no mistake, the very first step in getting everything you want, is realizing the only reason you don’t have it is yourself.
No one else in the world can stop you, but yourself (and your limited thinking).
Your entire life is your fault.
If you want to see the only thing in your way, just look in the mirror.
IF YOUR LIFE IS AWESOME, IT’S YOUR FAULT. IF YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT’S YOUR FAULT
There’s incredible power (and freedom) to be harnessed when you realize EVERYTHING in your life is your responsibility.
Your current lifestyle, body, relationships, etc. are simply a receipt printout of everything you’ve done up until this point. And if you want to change it, you’re going to have to realize first that you’re the only one who possibly can. Stop waiting on someone else to rescue you.
Every time someone asks me, “How do you live the way you do?” I answer:
“I decided a few years ago that if I wanted to write a story worth reading when I got old, I’d have to be the one who took responsibility for creating it.”
So, now I ask for helicopter tours of the city instead of big fat cash bonuses. I wake up at 4:30AM on Saturday mornings to do EMS ride-a-longs to learn more about the world around me, and I hit the race car track to celebrate turning a year older instead of bar hopping for my birthday.
Unlike 98% of the people who ask me the question above, I commit lots of time and energy to creating a life I’m proud of.
“We don’t stumble accidentally into an amazing life. It takes a decision. A commitment to consistently work on ourselves.”
? Kamal Ravikant, Live Your Truth
I wish I could tell you hitting six figure launches, helicopter tours of the city, and incredible adventures started from something more complex, but it didn’t. LIVING bigger started from THINKING bigger.
I remind myself the only thing that will ever stop me is myself.
- Science can’t (always) stop me.
- Where I grew up can’t stop me.
- Other people and their beliefs about what is possible can’t stop me.
And they can’t stop YOU either.
More often than not… If your life is awesome, it’s your fault. If your life sucks, it’s your fault.
I promise you can have almost anything you want in life, but the first person you’re going to have to convince is yourself.
Go get whatcha want my friends.
Your turn…
I’d love to hear from YOU in the comments. What have you been wanting to do but haven’t started on yet this year? What was the last great adventure you had? When was the last time you proved one of the naysayers in your life wrong? I will read and respond to every comment. Looking forward to hearing from you!
Author Bio: Kendra Wright is on a mission to banish “boring” in people’s lives, relationships, and businesses. Want to start living a remarkable life jam-packed full of fun and adventure but aren’t sure where to start? Marc and Angel readers can download 100 Adventure Ideas For Any Budget (57 are FREE!) from Kendra here.
Photo by: Heather West
Jamie says
This short post really is a kick in the pants — but a needed one for me. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I also know it applies to thousands of us. Too often we let ourselves stand trapped behind the bars and brick walls others have built around us. We let people tell us what’s possible for us, and then we never even test their theories against reality. We just sit there wishing our lives were different, better, etc.
I used to be one of these people, so I know it’s true. My parents died in a car wreck when I was an infant (I was in the car too). I grew up in foster homes with incredible uncertainty in my life. And now, at the age of 42, I’m a happy, mindful mother, wife, and (reasonably successful) business owner. It’s posts like this, blogs and books like Marc and Angel’s, and the inner drive to truly LIVE that helps me thrive. I almost didn’t make it to my first birthday, so every day is a gift in my eyes.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Thanks for your wonderful reply Jamie! Many things in our lives can be challenging (such as illnesses or events), but it isn’t who we ARE. It’s just one small part of the equation of elements that molds us into who we are.
Grateful to see that you are making the most of the second chance you were given as well. It’s starts with maintaining your mindset, and if you’re reading Marc and Angel’s site, you’re already off to a great start!
Charlotte Buckle says
Wow! What an incredible post! My husband and I are working on finding our paths in life and we have both wandered off the path a few times in the past couple of years but this we are determined more than ever to follow our dreams, no matter what!
Thank you so much for sharing your story and words of wisdom!
Take care,
C | atlantic-c.blogspot.ca
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
I love that you and your partner are so aware of your journey. Know that with everything (even finding our path’s) is a practice. We “wander off” from time to time, and that’s ok. It’s an ebb and flow. The most important element is that we consistently check in with ourselves and keep course correcting back to our path.
I really learned forgiveness, and how to stay in the “practice” of many things via a great book called “Love Yourself As If Your Life Depended On It.” Highly suggested read 🙂
Amandah says
An excellent contribution to this wonderful blog. There’s no question that I’m guilty of getting comfortable and not stretching myself to my full potential. I’ve let people tell me I’m not good enough for X, Y or Z far too many times in my life, but I’m starting to get a better handle on my self-confidence. With the help I’ve received via Marc and Angel’s emails and similar positive sources of personal development wisdom, I’ve been pushing past these barriers over recent times, and I’m excited about the progress I’m seeing.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Amazing work Amandah! Go after consistent PROGRESS over perfection and you’ll be amazed at how it compounds over time. Trust me, this post and growth for me was a LONG journey of little steps. Just keep moving and you’ll get there in time!
You’re already on the right track!
Pat says
I haven’t even begun to work on my one resolution — related to a career transition. Thank you for the extra push. I literally just took the first step 10 minutes ago after reading this post.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
This excites me to hear Pat! Tiny steps are the best way to get started!
Kareem Bonner says
Feel 100% the same way. It’s all about having the right attitude. By having that, you can inspire others to do the same. Great article!!
Jan Ramsey Brick says
Wow Kendra I was in awe of you before but now…. Just wow!
Thanks so much for sharing your story. You are so right – we are 100% responsible for who we are. 🙂
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Thanks Jan! Appreciate the read and feedback!
Kendall says
Wow, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I have spent the last 6 months bemoaning (to myself because I am considerate enough to my friends and family to know they don’t want to hear it) about where I am at in my life, and kicking myself for not taking more chances in my younger years (And I’ve only just turned 30!).
Time to take back that control over my life and future… I didn’t make any resolutions for this year, but maybe I make this my focus.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Hey Kendall! I turn 29 in just a few short months. This journey only began for me a few short years ago so we are really close in age.
It’s never too late to start living.
Sometimes you need that contrast of a rough patch to give you some great motivation for change.
Looking forward to hearing of your success!
Krystn says
30 is the new 18, get on it girl. Conquer the world.
J.D. Meier says
> Your life is your responsibility.
Beautiful words of wisdom!
I’m glad you keep your dreams alive and your fire burning inside.
Interestingly, your story of your helicopter ride, reminded me of a friend from long ago.
As he was walking to his jet, on a picture perfect day, he thought to himself, how boring … one more routine solo flight.
He then realized that he was living a dream job.
He told me that how we feel about life is never what’s in front of us, it’s between our ears.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Agreed! The toughest battle you’ll ever fight is between your own two ears.
Cultivate a fantastic mindset and the hardest part is conquered.
Loved your example and thanks for reading JD!
Pamela Latham says
Excellent excellent post! Thank you so much. I’ve been apprehensive to grow my small business to be what I know it could be for fear of overwhelm. I’ve recently taken the leap of hiring a helper that will help me focus and be able to employ a few others in my area. Perfect timing on this post… the thumbs up I needed! And if you’re ever in Houston and in need of personal assistance for anything at all, just give us a call (The Latham Group).
Mathias says
Awesome post! We can all use a little kick in the butt like this every now and then!
Taking responsibility for your own life like this has certainly worked for me – it helped me transform a mundane, ordinary lifestyle into what I can only describe as a Great Adventure.
Thanks to taking responsibility, I was able to break away from all the expectations of everyone else, and start living my life the way I wanted to.
Thanks for sharing this!
Peter says
I visit this site almost every day and have liked it very much. I do not want to sound too negative as I know this article was written with the best of intentions but mentioning the $100 K produced for a friend online and flying around in a beautiful multimillion dollar Helicopter that Brad Pitt was in a week prior is something I hope readers of this blog are not necessarily striving for in their lives. I do not feel you’re successful for making that money or flying that helicopter. You are successful because you can write and help people with your voice and a million other things that have nothing to do with such a feeble thing as money and the lifestyle that comes with it. Thank you and sorry if this comes off too negative. Love to all.
Em says
I too agree with your comment. I found that part of the post to be in poor taste. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.
Sam says
Agreed! Life is not that simple.
chiz says
Peter and Emma, the writer is not trying to show off, it’s just to show if you dream big, you live big and vice versa. There’s a clear difference when you discuss or spend your time with great minds.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
@Peter + others: I’m so glad you brought this point up!
The mention of money was not intended to be a reflection of what “success” is. The purpose for mentioning it in the story has to do with all the LIMITING BELIEFS I had around money. The same way there were limiting beliefs around my disability that I had to overcome.
I appreciate that feedback and will consider on how I can communicate that more clearly in future renditions of this story. — as money is not a huge motivator for me, but the FREEDOM of choice is brings is. And that’s
cindy mankin says
Chiz,
I totally agree with you . You get out of life what you put into it!
shanice narine says
How do I stay consistent with thinking positive? It’s like I do it for a week then I’m back to my panicky self. I feel alone.
tara dillard says
Lived your way too, for decades. Fear. Then, I realized there was a question to move me past fear, “What would I do tomorrow if I were not afraid?”
After the question, several answers arrive, always. None tainted by fear. Cannot remember the last time I chose a fear based choice.
Sure fear still arrives. And I’m ready for it !!
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
Tina Barbour says
I would like to know this as well. I feel the same.
Brenda says
I to am pretty much where you are. But I can only hold the positive thought for only a few seconds and then it,s gone and a sad thought comes over me. I really suffer anxiety and depression really bad. I feel life is meaningless if you just end up dying any ways. I have been in a very devasting divorce that has ripped me apart. I have bought a house and got involved with somebody only to find that I am not any better off than I was. I feel so hopeless. Any ideas to help?
Helena says
Hi Brenda,
Having a purpose is very important. When we have set goals and are pursuing them it’s so much easier to brush negative thoughts aside and to live in the moment. Set your goals in stone, then work out the path you need to follow in order to make them happen. While pursuing this path you will be amazed not just by how busy you become (in a happy sense) but also by how many new people you encounter along the way. When all is said and done it’s our dealings with other people that makes us happy and never more so than when we are helping them.
I hope this is of some help to you.
Greetings from Ireland!
Brenda says
Right now I feel very nervous and scared. I keep wondering what is causing this. I feel so scared I can,t control my depression and anxiety. Did I do something wrong. Have I set myself up as a failure? What is going to happen to me? Any ideas as to how to get out of this feeling.Right now at this time my daughter is having her baby and I should feel happy and excited,but I’m not. I am having a scared feeling in me and just want to cry because I don’t want to feel like this and be like this anymore. What am I doing wrong?
Galit says
Me too. We are moving from our comfort zone to another city.New middle school for the 3rt kid. The bigger once almost graduaded. But the fear is consistent of the little decisions like should I register my liitle daughter to a class with a major use of wii-fii technology wich means a lot radio radiation. That has nothing with thinking big. ….
Paula says
I think you shouldn’t register her in that class. Thinking big is thinking about your children’s health and long-term sanity etc. Enrol her in a school where they spend time in the yard etc – good luck
Anil Kumar says
I have the same problem. I know what needs to be done to make my life better. But I am not consistent. I failed to keep my promises every time. Though I am keep trying. Every time I come across an encouraging post like this one, I think yes this is what I needed. But I failed too many times and I dont know if I still have faith in myself.
Motlatsi Monyake says
Thank you very much for posting such a sensational story of your life which really inspires and brings confidence in other people. May you be blessed more and more as you keep sharing and helping us build our proper futures which are not based on our past but depend on our inner passion and desire to achieve without restrictions within ourselves. A vote of thanks once again. Is it possible to communicate directly with you through mails?
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Hey there Motlatsi – thanks for your warm feedback. I appreciate you reading and commenting. If you’d like to get in touch, here’s my email Kendra (at) HeyKendra (.com).
Cheers!
embersofmarch says
I love this idea and I really needed this. But my problem right now is finding motivation. I have no drive anymore and don’t feel like I want to do all of the work that I need to do to get healthy again. I will be 30 soon and I want some major things to change in my life but I am not sure where to start.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Hey there! I recently did some work on my mindset around fitness and movement and found this book to be incredinly helpful!
>> http://www.amazon.com/Exercise-Every-Day-Tactics-Building/dp/1511767057/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453698092&sr=8-1&keywords=exercise+everyday
You can get it for free on Kindle.
Also… if you read the book above, the author makes a great point about motivation — that we can’t depend on it for hitting our goals. People who work out daily, write daily, or even consistently on a goal that is important to them aren’t relying on motivation. They get tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed too. Instead, they cultivate habits that kick them into motion because it’s what they do, no matter what.
Check that book out, I think you’ll find it really helpful!
Annemijn Briet says
Thanks Kendra, I absolutely loved it! And totally agree. Going through a massive change myself at the moment, and very much looking forward to seeing where my life will be in a couple of years time.
Thanks for sharing and keep on the good inspirational work!
Annemijn
Kathy says
I’ll be 61 in a couple of weeks. I am a teacher and love my job. I yearn for adventure when I’m not at school. I tend to worry about the future and having enough money to support us. I want to live a more joy filled, eventful life . I’m not sure how to take the next steps…..
Paula says
all up to you….
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Hey Kathy — I have a list of 100 adventure ideas that would be a great start. Check them out here: http://bit.ly/1pEFDBp
Can you put 1 or 2 on you calendar in the next 2 weeks?
That would be a great start!
Diligence says
Oh mine!!! “If your life is awesome, it’s your fault. If it sucks, it’s your fault”! What a way to spank some sense into anyone who cares to listen.
Even the truth can be hard to take, sometimes. And that quote up there is entirely true. No need blaming anybody for the things I think I don’t have. It’s time to look inward.
Fan says
Incredible words of wisdom Kendra. Thanks for sharing such a useful and worth applicable content on this blog. You’re absolutely right that it’s all aur fault – whether we live an amazing life or an awful one. If we will convince our own selves of our faults in life only then we can come over them and can break every barrier which comes in our way. It’s all about ‘us’. And we are the ones who can break the wall of restraints inside our mind and others’ too. It was a pleasure reading to your content. Well done!
William says
That’s what’s up!
Ghekkoo says
I think if you hear your life is your fault and you get insulted, you have some work to do.. I would love to be an illustrator and have pushed myself as far as going to school (currently a student) but lack the motivation to draw as much as i want to. Also can’t escape self doubt and i miss my friends back home. I know what i want and what i love doing so thats a great place to be. Its just getting there seems like such an impossible task.
Faith says
Great reminder for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back out there and try again. Now it’s just figuring out where to start.
Sue says
Thanks for the great boost, Kendra!! Your message was the little turbo thruster I needed, to know that my business and life plans for this year are going in the right direction – and to keep going! I’m planning a BIG “out of the box” push – the No Fear type! And sometimes need these little reminders, that show up from the universe, to keep me leaping! I can do this! We can do this! Live BIG!!!
Aminah says
This was a terrific article. Positive thinking can take you to more places than negative thinking. Your thoughts control 99% of what you do I believe!
Ololade says
So inspiring and motivational… I must share this!
Meera says
A great affirmation for this beautiful morning…
sarah says
thanks Kendra. sometimes we all need a little nudge to get us moving in the right direction. this year I’ve got plans to start working on my sewing skills to hopefully start a small side business of making Barbie clothes at fairs. its always been a passion of mine. it freeing to be her personal clothing designer. maybe it will work out? but I won’t know until I try. keep up the good work. and good luck with your own dreams.
Cyntha says
Thank you for this wonderful post. It has inspired me this am to face my challenges with a different attitude and look at my situations in a totally different view. I especially appreciate you sharing your life story it helps to remind us we are all faced with different challenges in life and it is all about the journey and how we choose to travel that road thank you.
Britta says
I graduated last May and started working full time in June. I have had a very difficult time adjusting to the “real world” and being away from the place that I called home for five years that shaped who I am today and where I still have many many friends. My twin sisters also recently decided to go to my alma mater so it will still be a big part of my life.
I thought I had a great relationship with my ex-boyfriend, but he broke it off right before the school year started (he is finishing his last year where we went to school). And that wrecked me even further as he was one of my rocks. I have tried to put myself out there, seeing friends that had graduated before me downstate and in new experiences, but I have found it very hard to do.
Some days I wonder if my chosen career path is really the right one for me but then I tell myself that I have not even been in this career for a year so how can I really know? Other days, I wonder how I can manage to fulfill two of my goals that I have had for many years now: learn American Sign Language to be an interpreter when needed (because we’re all probably going to go deaf when we’re older with all these headphones and earbuds) but also to better understand communication in general and to be able to make my own clothes. Both I feel like I need to take classes to do but I am in a rotational program so it’s very hard to find ways to try to work on fulfilling those goals.
I have more alone time now than I have ever had in my entire life, which isn’t good as it lends itself to dwelling on all the negative thoughts, and this article has so much truth to it. I often look at my life and see the parts that “suck” and I get so upset about it. But rarely do I take substantial actions to make those parts not “suck.” My take away is that it’s all in the mind, which is our greatest power and our greatest enemy.
/end rant. P.S.- I love reading your blog articles. They have helped me these past few months, even if only in tiny steps! But I have seen differences. So thank you and I will continue to read the new ones and peruse all the old ones.
Paula says
good luck – and keep moving towards your goals!
sandra says
Wonderful words of wisdom Kendra, I really needed to hear this. Currently started my own business and i’ve been doubting myself but your words made me more confident than ever in knowing and believing that I took the right path.
Nathan R says
Thank you dearly (I should thank Robert Manson too for having shared your story).
I’m on a transformation journey myself and positive reinforcement from you ,”a real person”, and your story makes my journey doable and my goals ever more attainable.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Hey Nathan! Glad to be a supporter to help you along in your journey. You are on the right path – just focus on consistency. Showing up daily (or even a few times a week) to work on what matters to you is more likely to take you far over time than swinging for the fences.
Progress over perfection my friend and you will get there!
Trust me… this story was not written overnight… it’s a cumulation of a lot of tiny actions compounding over time!
G. G. says
Does the author believe that if someone died in the Holocaust, it was “their fault?” Were those who were killed by lynching in the Jim Crow South bringing it upon themselves? How about children who are abused by sexual violence–are they responsible for bringing about their own fate? I’m sorry, but I have been reading the Marc and Angel site for awhile and I always find it wise and helpful. But this article crosses the line. It is deeply and fundamentally wrong. And, it is actually doing harm. Yes, it is possible for people to get in their own way. But, it is also possible for people to be wronged by others. We participate in such harm if we then say that hurt people are always the cause of their own suffering. I reject the implication in this story that things would automatically be better if only people thought the right thoughts. Have the author had any experience living under a violent dictatorship? I doubt it. People who write these kinds of articles need to be a little more educated and well-read. History is full of examples of evil groups bringing pain to innocents. It’s our obligation to call out behavior that is immoral, and then help empower those who have been hurt to heal. Victim-blaming is a way of reproducing the the harms, and frankly, it’s wrong. I work with people who are rape survivors, and I will never, ever tell them “it’s your fault.” Let’s be a bit more judicious about the things posted here, please.
Marc Chernoff says
G.G., I do understand your perspective here, and I sincerely appreciate it. Kendra’s words and perspective are not directed at those in dire situations, but instead toward those who never even give themselves a fair chance (and there are lots of people in this pool).
Additionally, as it relates to your comments, I think there might be an important re-frame to think about (which is universally applicable to all of us, regardless of circumstances):
What happens to you in life is NOT always within your control (not your fault), but what you do next IS (your fault). You control the way you choose to respond, and in your response is your power.
This concept for mindful living (that Kendra is talking about with rather abrupt words) closely mirrors the advice and life experiences depicted in one of my favorite books, Man’s Search for Meaning. In this classic 1946 book by Viktor Frankl, he chronicles his firsthand experiences as a concentration camp inmate during World War II, and describes his psychotherapeutic strategies for thriving in dire circumstances, which involved identifying meaningful purposes in life to feel positively about each day, and leveraging this positivity to emotionally grow and push through to better times. According to Frankl, the way an inmate responded to the present (and envisioned the future) drastically affected his or her longevity, health and happiness.
Ruth says
I agree with G.G’s response, and ergo yours with reference to Frankl, as well Marc. I have to say that whilst I appreciate Kendra’s enthusiasm, I prefer to view the essence of the message as ‘the way in which we respond to circumstance…’ turning it into something positive, rather than using the term ‘fault’ I don’t like the use of that word – it signifies blame, and there are an awful lot of people doing everything they can to turn their lives around for the better in whatever way they are able to with the tools they have available to them. …’Fault’ can be disheartening so I reject that. For me, the difference in where we are today… right now and where we want to be tomorrow is centred on how we are able to respond to where we have come from (our experiences roadmap) and where we want to be. That as far as possible, is my ‘choice’ and not my ‘fault’!
Sam says
Well said, thank you.
Cynthia H says
My first reaction to your post was defensive, lol. It brought to mind all of the challenges that I’ve had – including on-going abuse, neglect and poverty growing up; an abusive marriage and a baker’s dozen miscarriages; homelessness, chronic illness/pain, hearing loss, multiple disabilities etc.
But it also made me think of my many blessings – my sanity, my two children and grandchildren, my creativity, a healthy and inquiring mind, the ability to see good in the world and the capacity for joy.
I work as a Peer Support Recovery Specialist in the Behavioral Health field, with people who live with severe, persistent mental illness. I often tell them that life is a matter of perception, and if they can change their perception of life, they can also change their lives.
Your post has challenged me to heed my own words and to work on my own perceptions. After all, if I’ve had the success I have with small changes, how much more is possible with larger ones?
Thank you for your gift this morning! Sending you positive energy and thoughts…
Marc Chernoff says
Cynthia, see my comment to G.G. above. You’re on the right track! Cheers! 🙂
OK, now I’ll let Kendra reply to the rest of everyone’s comments…
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
Hey Cynthia! I appreciate this feedback – and your ability to stay curious in your own response.
Know that there are MANY really dark and challenging things that have happened in my life (as with many people), but I chose that I could focus on what I could control or I could be miserable over what I couldn’t. It didn’t make the dark things fair or easy, but by asking myself, “Ok… what can I DO and take responsibility in this situation?”… I often found I felt better and made progress quicker. You can go through hell and feel horrible, or you can go through hell and do your best to focus on the tiny victories and blessings you do have. Either way it may be hell, but one feels much more enjoyable than the other!
Thanks for your feedback!
Dwight Carter says
Thank you so very much, could not have landed in my inbox at a better time. My personal and business experiences in the the last few weeks have been building just so I would be ready to read this. I have always taken the path of least resistance and have found less and less fulfillment. My purpose, passion, and my calling are not in the box but outside the box. Starting my own business a few months ago has been a roller coaster ride but its my ride, one that I chose!
Thank you for the reminder.
Asha says
My goal is to open up my own catering business and eventually run my own Somali restaurant.
Erin @ Erin's Inside Job says
Way to go! I love all of this. It’s so much easier to live in fear and to live the life of a victim. That allows you to never take risks (and fail) and to never have to take responsibility for your actions.
It took me a long time to get out of living this way and I wouldn’t go back for a second!
Brenda says
May I ask how you did it?
Faye Riley says
Kendra,
You are a total and compelling inspiration!
Peace
Faye
Sue Graham says
You are a truly amazing lady and I couldn’t agree more with your post. Yes, indeed that is certainly a kick in the pants but a good positive one. Thank you so much. Well done, keep going. Xx
Marilyn says
I concur with everyone thus far. I also hope to reach out to other victims of domestic violence who have made it out of the cycle of abuse and have taken control and responsibility of their own lives.
Big thumbs up. It isn’t easy but it is so important and so worth it.
Cynthia H says
Marilyn, my life really began to change when mentors helped me to find the courage to move outwards from my fearful and wounded inner life. They taught me outreach and advocacy in poverty related issues (among so many other things!), and I soon moved on to include public speaking and giving workshops, TV appearances and guesting on radio shows.
All of those things gave me tremendous opportunities, including the year that I spent in AmeriCorps working as a domestic violence advocate and paralegal. My educational award allowed me to start college at the age of 46.
Finding mentors who believed in me before I ever learned to believe in myself was the major key to beginning my transformation.
Cynthia
Big Dreamer/Bad Planner says
I want to be able to pay off some small loans, but I have a hard time with my saving and spending ratios. And I want to open officially open a cake decorating business out of my house. I have been hot and cold in regard to getting things done to do so. I do have big dreams!!!…..too often I tell myself that I don’t know what I am doing and hold back. I have a hard time asking for help or even taking help when offered.
Julie says
About 10 years ago an inspirational speaker who was very tall and has the initials T. R. asked me to critique a new inspirational video on marriage he was working on. He knew my husband and myself and considered us an example of a “good marriage”.
I watched his video and declined. My reason for turning down what anyone else would consider an honor: the entire video was peppered with the words “I” and “me” and “my”. It mentioned little about extended family or children affected by the relationship of marriage which involves more than just two people. It mentioned a lot of the “for better” but advocated “cutting bait” when the ” for worse” came around because you have the live the most awesome life you can, right?
If you want to be a human island unto yourself then take this lady’s advice. Just remember it gets lonely on an island.
The people I take advice from and view as my role models are the middle-aged mom I met on a train who left an abusive husband and gets 4 hours of sleep a night to work her full time job AND be there for her kid’s soccer games and school events.
She’s highly underpaid, old looking, overweight, and wears unfashionable polyester business suits with an elastic waist but she beams with happiness even though her life is by no means great. She doesn’t blame herself for the bad things that put her in her present state and I don’t believe in blaming the victim either. Her life is not her fault but she is doing the best she can with what she was given.
Another role model is a woman I know who grew up under a family so repressive I am amazed that she didn’t commit suicide. She has managed to overcome her upbringing and live a relatively happy life, but NEVER, EVER would I blame her for the things that happened to her under her repressive family. It is “not her fault”.
For those who have been the victims of narcissists (or worse) I would like to assure you that “your life is not always your fault”. In fact, if you are a nice, giving person I can guarantee you that at least once in your life a sociopath is going to target you for abuse because they always pick the nicest people to target.
I’ve flown in helicopters too. I’ve saved people’s lives in conjunction with the work I have done in the past. I’ve done some amazing things, but guess what – not everyone has a support system or the resources to succeed at their goals. And if you are lucky to have that support system you will achieve your goals if you try. If you are not lucky you may not achieve your goals but at least you tried.
I don’t value winning – I value trying. And if winning means I have to be a jerk or step on people’s heads or talk about myself all the time then I don’t want to win, I just want to play the game with the nice good people who aren’t jerks.
Nancy says
The way I see it, the people you admire are the exact people Kendra is talking about – they haven’t let their circumstances define them. It would be easy for the polyester lady to be angry and bitter, many come out of those situations with that mind set. But she has chosen to be happy and grateful to be away from abuse and on a better path.
As she said – it’s all between the ears. And I don’t believe she is saying we all have to be monetarily successful and flying in helicopters. That is her dream and her reality. We create our own dreams, and our own realities, none better than the other, just what is right for us.
Regina Nekola Hild says
Wow! First time to comment on this blog site. The compelling story made me ask for “help”! Terrible things are a result of bad decisions. I am recovering from a bad investment. I have a gift, I need to start a business. I am stuck. Where do I begin?
Nancy says
Begin with the first step. Just take one baby step. Then another. Pretty soon you’ll be in a different landscape! And try not to dwell on or beat yourself up for bad decisions – we all make them. Learn from it and go on. Don’t let it stop you from pursuing the life you want. Good luck!
Helena says
Congratulations for becoming you.
Shawnee D says
Wow, what an amazing story. This was the article I’ve been needing to help me open my eyes and that extra push I’ve been needing so badly to get my behind back on track for my goals. Thank you!! 🙂
Rose Costas says
Thanks Kendra. I am left dazed and confused. I spent my entire life feeling sorry for myself. Who my parents were and what they didn’t have or gave to me. Now am at an age where I should be giving those to myself and I am still stuck. Thanks for the reminder that my failings are entirely my own.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
I don’t think you’ve “failed.” I truly believe we do the best we can at the time with the tools and knowledge we have.
But, eventually we grow old enough that we have the opportunity to take responsibility for our lives.
You aren’t ever stuck… you’re always in the right place at the right time. Sometimes the challenges are what we need to grow into a stronger version of ourselves.
BUT, I would consider swapping the language “I’m stuck” out with “I’m not 100% sure what to do next, and that’s ok.” It will FEEL better and help you take some pressure off yourself. And once some of that is removed (I literally had to do this for 8 weeks on 1 goal in my life before I felt any release)…you’ll start feeling like maybe you know at least one step to take next. And that’s all you need to focus on… what’s the NEXT best thing I can do right now?
Doing nothing is almost always worse than doing SOMETHING and getting it wrong.
You’re on the right path — keep reading Marc And Angel’s site as well!
Angela says
Hi Kendra!
Thanks for sharing. I often “say” the right words to myself about what I want for my life but struggle with believing them. Any suggestions?
A
Candace Guinn says
I continue to keep putting off starting a blog, because I don’t know how. I know how to create an account, but I haven’t narrowed down exactly what I want to blog about. I am scared to push myself forward because I’m not sure if it will be a success. However, I have started dedicated myself to journaling more, which is one step in the right direction.
The last great adventure I had was swimming in the Bahamas. It was my first international trip, and now I want to travel so much more.
The last time I proved one of my naysayers wrong was when my husband and I got married. We were told we were making a bad decision by moving out on our own, and that we would fall on our faces. We’re doing pretty great, and it feels awesome!
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
@ Angela – Yep! Read “Love Yourself As If Your Life Depends On It.” It will teach you easy actionable steps on how to re-program your language patterns more effectively.
Dirk Strauss says
I watched a talk by Steve Jobs where he said that life is made up by people that were no smarter that you. That life can be so much more than just the limited version 99% of people live.
I have always wanted to write a book. It has been a dream of mine to do that. And being a programmer, I thought that writing a book on a programming topic would be near impossible.
Well when I saw that talk by Steve Jobs (which Kendra has basically confirmed in the article above) I realised that the only thing that stood in my way from achieving what I wanted, was me.
I’m happy to say that last night I submitted my first Chapter for review to the publisher that commissioned me to write a programming book. It is a dream come true for me. The best thing of all is that there are so many other dreams I have. I can’t wait to make them a reality too.
Kendra @ HeyKendra.com says
This is fantastic Dirk! And you are so correct! Looking forward to hearing of more of your many success (large and little)!
Jo-Anne Valenti says
You are sensational, Kendra! So glad I took the time to read your inspirational story….it’s what the doctor ordered! I’ve been in the dumps about my life path…..I do realize that id it’s going to be , it’s up to me….. so hard battling the fears and uncertainties. Thank you for the “kick”…..God bless you.
Saya, Mac & Cheese Productions? says
Amen, girl! Great post.
Especially love the ‘Year of Fear Challenge’ part, you’re singing my tune. That’s what I do for a living — get other people to crap their pants. I’ve found that the formula for success where this is concerned is getting people to crap their pants with other people crapping their pants and everyone owning it and loving it. Embrace your suckage, I say!
Even have something called Fear Experiment?, where people sign up solo to learn an art-form that makes them break out in hives (improv, storytelling, dance, stepping, a capella), rehearse for 2.5 months, and then perform in front of 700 people. Talk about pants-crapping!
Keep up the living of life, love it.
Akanbi Joshua says
Kendra Wise is the name i will call you here from Nigeria! Do you know that all i could grab was: ”I am absolutely responsible for all the outcome of my life”;
Which means, all my lamentation about life has always being my inability to capture my right standing picture or way of life. i think i know now; thanks for your help, Kendra Wise!
Rani Agrawal says
Excellent Post… really I like it… 🙂 …. I have always wanted to start my own business.. It has been a dream of mine to do that. I am scared to push myself forward because I’m not sure if it will be a success.