This weirdness about you that you think is your flaw – it’s the reason someone is falling in love with you.
This article was inspired by a short email we received today from a new course student:
Dear Marc and Angel,
My flaws are holding me back and I’m sick of it! For the past several years I’ve been working my way up the corporate ladder at a growing Fortune 500 company, but over the past ten months I’ve been denied three times for three different management opportunities. The reason is always sugarcoated by the Vice President of our company, but she basically tells me that while I’m “an asset to the company,” I’m just “too sensitive and caring” for the cutthroat duties of the management positions I’ve applied for. And the kicker is, in similar but different words, I’ve been told this all my life. What can I do? I’m feeling utterly flawed and stuck at the moment. Any guidance at all would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
A Flawed Student
Our reply (an open reply to all who struggle with their “flaws”):
Dear Flawed Student,
It’s time for a quick story about life and success…
In early 1976, after working her butt off to earn a position as the co-anchor of the local evening news in Baltimore, 22-year-old Oprah Winfrey was abruptly taken off the air and demoted just a few short months later. The television station manager told Oprah that she wasn’t suited for reporting prime-time news, as she seemed far too emotionally involved and attached to the stories she was reporting on. Oprah was shocked and devastated, of course, and her dream of being a prominent television show host appeared to have ended before it had really begun.
As she collected her thoughts and emotions, it dawned on Oprah that in a way the television station manager was right. He had a good point in saying that she was emotional, because she sincerely cared about people and their stories, and it did sometimes affect her reporting decisions. Just a couple weeks before she was demoted, Oprah had been asked to do a live on-scene report at a young child’s funeral. When she decided to report from a distance to give the family of the deceased child some privacy rather than shoving a camera and microphone in their faces, she was scolded for not properly fulfilling her job responsibilities.
Oprah ultimately accepted responsibility for herself and her choices. She decided to do the best she could with the hand she’d been dealt, and she continued to put her heart into the new, smaller reporting roll she had been given following her demotion. And it’s a good thing she did, because soon thereafter a major management shake-up occurred at the news station that changed everything.
A new station manager named Bill Baker, who had an extremely successful track record, was hired by the station’s parent network to fix the station’s sinking ratings. Shortly after Bill took over, he and his wife, Jeannemarie, met Oprah at an industry cocktail party. Bill already had loose plans to start a new daytime talk show, and following the party, Jeannemarie couldn’t stop talking about Oprah and what a wonderful talk show host she would make. “There is something magical about her,” she told Bill. “She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she is not at all pretentious.”
Bill agreed that Oprah had incredibly inspiring character traits, and she was hired to co-host the new talk show. Now, instead of having to keep perfect composure and follow an emotionless reporting script, she was free to cry, laugh and get personal with her guests and their stories. And the station’s daytime audience quickly fell in love with Oprah’s new talk show format, her emotional touch, and her honest, heartfelt personality. Within a couple years, her talk show was the network’s top-rated show by a long shot.
Oprah Winfrey – who had once been banished from the spotlight for her heartfelt, compassionate, emotionally-charged style of reporting – later used those same exact skills and related character traits to become one of the most successful personalities in the history of television.
And there is a great lesson in Oprah’s story that is relevant to all of us…
Oftentimes, exactly who we are – flaws and all – is our most valuable asset.
We just might not realize it yet.
Sincerely,
Marc and Angel
Your turn…
Please leave a comment below and let us know:
What’s one “flaw” you have that’s actually become a blessing in disguise?
Anything else to share?
We would love to hear from YOU. 🙂
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Anne says
Great story, and a great lesson. I’ve read about Oprah’s story before, but the way you’ve succinctly written about it here is refreshing.
As for me… I’ve been tall and big-framed since I was a little girl, and I used to see this as my biggest flaw — a flaw that stopped me from following my heart when I was younger. Over the years I gradually learned to embrace my body, and now I’ve been a female firefighter for the past 16 years, a profession I love, and one in which I use my larger, stronger frame to help save lives. It took me awhile to see how my “flaw” was my strength, but I’m truly grateful I didn’t give up on myself too soon.
Claire says
Awesome 🙂 I love this – what a way to accept who you are and use it for some amazing work xx
Bridie says
I love that you turned things around in this way!
Marc Chernoff says
Anne, you are an inspiration. Thank you.
Vincent says
Marc and Angel, thank you. Your blog emails, your book, and everything you’ve shared on Facebook and Twitter over the years has helped me see that my flaws are indeed my greatest source of strength. Truly, the moment I began accepting myself as I am, was the beginning of a self-development journey that has allowed me to grow into the best version of myself.
Marc Chernoff says
Vincent, thank you for the kindness, and for supporting our work. I’m so happy we were able to assist you in some small way.
Joanna L says
Sensitivity was my “flaw” too, but I’ve since embraced it and adjusted my life accordingly. I started looking for ways to make my sensitivity my secret power. And it turns out there are plenty of wonderful ways to do this. In my case, it called for a transition in my career that wasn’t easy, but was worth well it. So stay strong, Flawed Student. I do believe opportunity awaits, but you just haven’t found the right path yet.
Hildah says
Thanks Marc and Angel. I enjoy for your inspiring stories. And I really like how you portrayed Oprah’s flaw, which turned out to be her strength. Keep inspiring us!
Jack says
Incredible story – thank you for sharing! I especially love your commentary at the end, Marc and Angel!
Landin Palomo says
Omg, that’s awesome! Who’s taking Oprah’s spot next..?
Hugh Siegel says
I was Bill Baker’s close colleague and speechwriter for many years at public broadcasting station WNET-Thirteen in New York. Glad to see the legacy of his mentorship is not forgotten. 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
Small world. Bill seems like an amazing fellow, and I’ll bet you’re right there with him, Hugh. 😉
Also, I think mentorship is like tossing a stone in a pond, the ripples are visible long after the stone disappears. Cheers to Bill’s incredible legacy!
Debra says
Thank you, Marc and Angel for sharing Oprah’s story. Some of us are acquainted with it. But it’s a reminder that we all have potential, warts and all. We should believe in our abilities and trust that we too have the ability to affect change. Your posts, as usual, are a delight to read. Thank you for inspiring HOPE.
David Rapp says
I was so convinced that my flaws were so insurmountable, that I hid a lot of myself for 20 years. I knew something was wrong with me, but it was not diagnosed until I was 36. I am bi-polar, and my coping mechanism was avoiding intimacy (mental, spiritual, physical, etc.) at all costs.
Dating was eliminated. I would go to Church and wonder why I was there, since it was clear that I could NEVER measure up a “true believer.” I stopped playing team sports because I had to protect myself from getting too close to team mates. I learned to fake my way through social situations no matter how hyper or exhausted I was.
My whole life was a pretense, but there were enough paper victories, nice photographs, good relationships and pleasant smiles to keep everyone happy except for me.
I am still struggling on how I can make bi-polarity work for me. I manage it better now, the medications are in balance, and I live more authentically. But I have a long way to go before I can say I am over my flaws. I am 47, and I no longer look at the calendar or the clock the same way anymore. There is plenty of time to start, but I wonder if there is time to finish.
Don’t wait as long as I did.
Start now.
Elva says
Hello David — it’s been a long journey for me too, different problems, but end result was I didn’t “fit” anywhere. I’ve been studying psychology and nutrition for 40 -some years. Might I suggest you take a look in Dr. Melvyn R. Wersbach’s book, Nutritional influences on illness; a sourcebook of clinical research. I have the 1st ed., there is now a 2nd ed. out and it is used as a textbook. My 1st ed. has a section on bi-polar disorder. It gives results of clinical trials with various nutritional supplements. This is not far out stuff, but studies that have been reported in reputable medical journals.
Also, go to sciencedaily.com, use their search function for bi-polar disorder. Sometimes one little tid-bit of information can make a world of difference. Peace and hope from Elva
Marc Chernoff says
Elva, thank you for sharing this insight with David — a longtime reader and friend of ours.
JC says
Thank you for posting this. I really needed to hear it today. Yesterday was both an amazing and terrible day all in one, and at the end of it all I was questioning myself and why my perceived flaws seem to be such an issue in all aspects of my life. It caused me to get quite depressed for the first time that I can remember in months, and I honestly kind of just broke down. I needed that reminder today that maybe my flaws are actually assets after all, and that I just need to discover how to use them to my advantage. As always, the timing of your topics always seems to coincide with what is happening in mine or a friend’s life. I end up forwarding your newsletters all the time to friends when I know they are going through a particular struggle and your post will help them. Thank you for doing what you do. It matters more than you know.
Sarah says
This is so fitting for what has just happened to me recently. I quit my job because although I was doing a good job, I didn’t feel like I was thriving. I was trying to fit in somewhere that didn’t fit me. At first I thought it was that I wasn’t good enough at the job. But in reality, the job wasn’t good for me and my personality. Recently I took the strengthsfinders test and what I thought was a flaw was actually a strength. In the work I was doing, I wasn’t able to use my strengths but rather could only develop my weaknesses. Now I’m focusing on work that plays to my strengths. Which includes the fact that I’m someone who needs to start projects and lead them and that working for a company is not what I want. It’s going great! I am so much happier and I feel like people are starting to see those strengths and seek me out. I think sometimes a hard decision needs to be made. That you need to reflect on yourself and really ask if you want that job in the first place. Always keep your eyes open for opportunities to use your strengths. Oprah stayed in the same general industry but took on a completely different role. It’s always worth being open to anything!
Andrea says
Hi there – what strengthsfinder test did you do? Curious… 🙂
Kathryn says
Yesterday afternoon until the late night hours, of last night, I berated myself for being “too sensitive”, “not enough”, not a good person”, “no will power”, “foolish”, etc., which I concluded that these traits equals to me being a weak person, because I feel so much for so many things. Loss of family. Fear of not being lovable. Unworthiness in God’s sight. All of the negative things that I can think of about myself literally buried any glimmer of hope.
Today’s email came right on time. I woke up this morning with a determination that I was going to be who I am and stop picking myself apart, because of constant comparisons that lead to low-esteem. I’m tired of feeling this way. I do not want to assault myself any more with negative thoughts.
Your encouraging and uplifting message spoke to me today. I honestly do like being a compassionate person. If I grieve the loss of family members, I must remember this is normal. If I desire love, that is the most natural human need. I am going to forge ahead with a determination to stop dragging myself down.
Thank you for today’s message.
G.R. says
My story. I can relate. Thanks.
Viv says
Hi There, for me it was my thinness and tallness that was a nightmare as a youngster of 11. I was taunted continuously by other students. What made things worse my clothes always appeared messy, my sleeves and pant legs were to short because my arms and legs were to skinny and to long. This aggravated me to no end, was like a shadow following me everywhere.
Until one day…I was walking down the street holding hands with my tall slim mother. Guess who was coming toward us…one of my main aggravators at the time. Walking with her mother, hand in hand. At 11 Charlene was built like a 16 year old… her mother was nicely rounded with the blessings of life. At that very moment I realized at the age of Charlene’s mother I’d be tall and stately like my mother. From that day forward I carried myself differently…I should really say, more positively.
Danni says
Thanks for the great reminder. I actually wasn’t familiar with Oprah’s story.
I’m almost 40 (turning in 3 months) and the past year has been a massive challenge. My husband left me in June for a much younger woman and 6 months after that my mother died. I have stood tall through it all and it’s only now, almost a year on, that I am starting to realise how much inner strength I possess. People kept telling me how strong I was but it’s only now that I have started to acknowledge it.
Self- belief is a powerful thing and once harnessed, we can do anything.
Mary says
Like everyone else, I thank you for this post.
I too am “overly sensitive” which has been interpreted as not only weak, but boring. I’m neither of those things. Your post is helpful and that everyone seems so enthusiastic is great. But if anyone has any steps to take – advice to help with career choice/advancement, connecting with the right people, etc., that would be phenomenal. I am almost 44 and just stuck and alone and feel I have so much to contribute but no place that needs my particular “gifts”.
Astra K says
I feel ya! I’m sitting in the same boat slowly sinking haha (my weird humour:-) )
I’ve always felt inside that I was different/weird since I was very very young. I had friends etc but none of them really understood me, I felt like I didn’t fit in..but covered it up with a fake smile lol. Still to this day I feel the same way.Am looking for that person who REALLY GETS ME,WHO CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING+ WHERE IM COMING FROM, A FULL SOUL CONNECTION…
…most people think I’m ‘crazy,insane,weird etc…call me nasty names behind my back yet smile to my face… But that’s ok coz its their loss in the end.!
I AM PROUD 2 BE ME… COMPASSIONATE. QUIRKY. WEIRD. CRAZY. FIERY. INSANE. CARING… DIFFERENT. 🙂
and you know what? So should YOU!!!!
KEEP YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEAD HELD HIGH ALWAYS! LOVE+EMBRACE ‘YOU’ !
BE STRONG. BE YOUR OWN FREE SPIRIT, DON’T FEEL YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW SOCIETY’S IDEAS OF WHAT IS NORMAL!
STAND ON YOUR OWN 2 FEET EVEN WHEN YOUR ALONE+ IT FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST YOU! FRIENDS COME AND GO-YOUR REAL FRIENDS WILL BE REVEALED WHEN YOU ‘sift the rubbish’…
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE IN THIS BIG BOLD WORLD IS:
ALL YOU NEED IS ! YOU !
<3
Rach says
Love this!
Gonzalo Arzuaga says
Dear Flawed Student,
It’s tough to hear your story. But I’m sure you can handle tough. What I clearly see you get rebellious against is injustice. You just don’t think it’s fair what they’re doing to you. I have an idea, and a plan for you.
“Your flaws are your assets, they make you… you.” -Gonzalo Arzuaga
The most important thing we all need to realize, when we’re feeling awkward, or flawed, or we don’t fit in this world, is that we’re not alone. There are tons of other people who are just-like-us. If put together, one next to each other, people from all over the world that share your “flaws” could fill not one, but many many football stadiums.
Just picturing that image in your mind, all sharing the same “flaw”, will make you feel better. It does to me, and I bet sure it does to you too. That’s good, that’s a great starting point.
Now, how do we turn lemons into lemonade. It looks rather simple, when you put one and one together. You’re in a great position, with your sensitivity et al, to help other women (or people for that matter), that are going thru exactly the same challenge you’re going thru right now.
You’ve been denied, as you put it yourself, three times for three different management opportunities, maybe the Universe is telling you something? Maybe is time to reconsider your career, and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back? I can’t be sure, I’m just saying…
As a fast climber in the corporate world, I’m sure you’re super used to coming up with to do lists. Here’s mine for you:
Write about how you feel. And then edit some, and make it a digestible piece for people who are in your same situation. People who can identify, relate, connect emotionally with your pain. Make it a bit attractive for a publisher/blogger to run it. Something like “7 Tips To Dealing With a Tough Corporate Environment When You’re Too…Sensitive And Caring”, or “10 Powerful Things You Can Do If They Deny You A Promotion For Being Too Sensitive And Caring”. Well, as you can see, writing titles is not my thing 🙂
Post it in your FB page. And if you have some following on Twitter/Pinterest, and others, please post it as well. You never know who’s friend of your friends…
Submit it for publication to BusinessInsider. I’m sure with a picture, and some pizzazz, your post is gonna spread like fire.
What are these 3 tasks for? They’ll help you realize you’re not alone. And that you can help people going thru the very same situation. That’ll make you feel powerful beyond belief. Believe me on this.
If the reaction to your words/post is as overwhelming as I’m imagining, well, then you’ll have to decide if maybe your calling in life is to help people in this situation.
Situation that you know damn well, situation that you suffered and are still suffering. Then, the next step would be to write some more, maybe an ebook telling a bit more of your story, what happened to you. Maybe you can teach a video course, and offer 1-on-1 tutoring on how to deal with that situation? Maybe I’m hallucinating here with all the possibilities that open up for you, or maybe your life could change 180 degrees for the better.
Just my 2 cents, Flawed Student.
Gonzalo
Ava says
That was a great, helpful response. Way to posit a way to turn her situation into a positive.
Marie says
Thank you so much for your insight!
Marc Chernoff says
Well stated, Gonzalo. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Mara says
This is right on my wavelength. After years working as an engineer, I was unhappy, anxious & depressed I was never accurate enough, too emotional, and I felt like there was no role for me anywhere in life.
I volunteered in a cafe with people recovering from mental illness. The hands-on work and the relationships made me come alive. I quit my job and started running a non-profit food organization. I work hard, but have found my niche with more human connection and more impact. I still struggle to keep my books accurate & all sorts of other flaws, (of course), but I’m so much better.
KEEP asking what makes you come alive. Then do it as much as possible. The self-doubt and negativity decrease the closer you get to being true to YOU! Good luck! The world needs you!
Sal Marotta says
We are all beautifully flawed. Stop measuring yourself against other people. Just aim to improve over a previous version of yourself.
Everyone has their own gifts. When you measure your worth by examining your placement in major categories (such as, looks, smarts, strength, athleticism, etc.) you’re neglecting an infinite amount of skills and talents you have but others are lacking.
Never let society tell you what is valuable. Aim to do what you love and improve all aspects of your life. But always keep in the back of your mind that you’re perfect the way you are right now.
That’s the key to happiness.
Shane Wynn says
I am a professional editorial photographer. I was told early in my career my work was “too artistic” for journalistic work. Also in college I was constantly told to narrow my focus because I was interested in photographing so many different things. I now shoot for 8 different publications ranging from a food magazine, business publication, city magazine, music newspaper, art publication, etc. My diverse interests are vital to my career as is my artistic style. I sort of invented my own job when I did not fit into any particular job description.