We stress ourselves out… because of fantasies.
We procrastinate to the point of failure… because of fantasies.
We get angry with others, with ourselves, and with the world at large… because of fantasies.
We miss out on many of life’s most beautiful and peaceful moments… because of fantasies.
We – yes, all of us – break our own hearts far too often because of the fantasies we tell ourselves. That might seem hard to believe at first, so let’s look at some common examples…
- When we wake up and immediately start fantasizing and worrying about all the things we have to do, we aren’t really doing anything but adding stress to an otherwise pleasant morning.
- When we fear the potential of failure, and we procrastinate in response to our fear, our fearful fantasies force us to miss great opportunities for success.
- When someone upsets us, this is often because they aren’t behaving according to our fantasy of how they “should” behave. The frustration, then, stems not from their behavior but from how their behavior differs from our fantasy.
- When we think about making a healthy change in our lives (like getting in shape), we are initially inspired by the fantasy of what life will feel like while we’re getting healthier, but… that’s not reality. So when the reality of working hard to exercise and eat right surfaces, and it doesn’t match up with our inspiring fantasy, we give up.
- When we’re having a conversation with someone, we’re distracted with fantasies of how this person views us, or we’re distracted by our propensity to fantasize about how to respond before they even finish talking, and thus we miss the opportunity to connect more deeply with them.
- When we move through our days, our minds are stuck fantasizing about other times and places, and so we miss the pleasant surprises and simple pleasures surrounding us.
- And the list goes on…
Of course, sometimes we get out of our own heads long enough to focus on the present and make the best of it, but it’s NOT often enough. And we need to be reminded of this reality…
Hard Truths Worth Remembering
Our course students come to us almost every day with questions and concerns that ultimately pertain to the disparity between their fantasies and the realities they’re faced with. And while their personal circumstances tend to vary, the hard truths they’re struggling to accept always overlap. Truths like…
- When you are lost in worry, it is easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just fantasies.
- If you avoid action because you’re stuck fantasizing about the possibility of failure, you guarantee failure. And the truth is we all fail. But the greater truth is that no single failure ever defines us.
- It’s impossible to know what the future will bring. So your best bet for living is to make the best and most positive use of the present, by focusing on it and attending to it with care and confidence.
- You will end up very disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
- Real love and real kindness are about giving others more than they expect, without expecting them to notice or appreciate you for it. It’s about being fully present with them because you truly want to be. (Angel and I build mindful communication rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- Simple things become complicated when you expect too much. Expectation truly is the root of all heartache. Don’t let it get the best of you.
- It is far better to be exhausted from lots of effort and learning, than to be tired of doing absolutely nothing but fantasizing about everything.
- Good things don’t come to those who patiently wait. Good things come to those who are patient… while working hard for what they want most in life.
- In a culture that dreams of quick and easy results, we must learn the beauty of effort, patience, and perseverance. Be strong, present, and steadfast. (Angel and I show how in the “Goals and Success” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Happiness and peace is yours whenever you find the presence and stillness to truly appreciate the small things while chasing after the big ones.
Letting Go of Fantasies
Once you’ve got your mind wrapped around the truth, it’s time to let go of your old fantasies and refocus your attention on the present moment. See it for what it really is, not what you think it should be. Accept it, so you can make the best of it.
Move through the day and practice seeing life as it is…
Do what you have to do without worrying and fearing the worst, lamenting about what might happen, or obsessing over how difficult your work is. Just begin, take it one step at a time, and do the best you can.
See others for who they are, and accept them, without needless judgments. Choose not to allow their behavior to dominate your thoughts and emotions. Just be present and accepting. Then decide if you want to spend extra time with them. If not, part ways peacefully.
Carry your presence with you wherever you go. Appreciate the little moments. Remind yourself that there are few joys in life that equal a good laugh, a good conversation, a good morning walk, a good afternoon hug, or a good deep breath at the end of the day.
Truth be told, we can fantasize all we want, but it doesn’t improve our reality.
So let’s replace our fantasies with full presence…
And invest our best into what we’ve got, right here, right now.
Your turn…
How have your fantasies (about how life “should” be) affected you, your work, or your relationships? Any additional thoughts to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Oscar Keys
Monica says
The idea that my life and relationships are supposed to be “easy” sent me into a deep, dark depression when I was in my 30’s. Since that glum time in my life, I’ve worked hard to accept many of the truths and tactics you discuss in this post and in the broader body of your work. Your happiness course and coaching, along with many of the books you’ve recommend, were all catalysts to the positive changes I’ve made since then. Life is still far from easy, but now I’m able to handle the ups and downs with ease. In other words, life didn’t change — I changed. And that’s really made all the difference.
M&A, thanks for the gifts you two give.
Marc Chernoff says
Monica, you are welcome. It’s honestly an honor to work with you and see the progress you’ve made. Cheers to embracing our challenges and making the best of them.
Luke says
Marc and Angel, again you’ve hit the nail not he head. Today, the way I expected my life to look at 44 and the way it really is are completely different. I didn’t expect to lose my 17-year-long job the day right before my ex-wife admitted her infidelity on my 40 birthday. I didn’t expect to face bouts of depression as a single parent as I round out my 44th year. But I’ve been pushing through and making legitimate progress, for both me and my daughter. Life hasn’t been the easy fantasy I once had in mind, but it hasn’t been as bad as I was making it seem either. I see the silver lining now–I really do. And I have your emails, book and coaching to thank for that.
Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s changing a life over here.
Marc Chernoff says
Keep going, Luke. 🙂
Vic says
A great read that arrived in my email inbox at the perfect time.
Thank you!
And I’m right there with the previous two commenters, Luke and Monica, too. My expectations of how life was supposed to be held me back for a looong time. I’ve been slowly course-correcting over the recent past few months though. I’m finally learning to live more in the present reality and less in the twisted world of my fantasies and expectations. Letting go of my fantasies and expectations has been difficult though, and that’s why this post is such a great read for me right now.
Matt says
Right here – Right now!
The words that quashed (and keep on quashing) a 1000 fantasies!
Encouraging words from a blog that just keeps on galvanizing in every sense of the word.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for the extra kindness, Matt. 🙂
Becca says
After living with someone for 13 years, it’s hard at times to see my current reality. I got up this morning to get ready for a job interview and he wasn’t here to wish me luck. In fact, it’s just the cat and I. Obviously, she can’t talk. The only person that can wish me luck is – ME! I can’t keep looking back, it hurts at times. I’m going to look forward to my new reality – one step at a time.
Marc Chernoff says
I know it’s not easy, Becca, but you have the right mindset. Keep it up, one day at a time.
Francis says
Dear Marc and Angel,
You always share a great piece, thank you so much.
My experience with fantasies have come in good and bad ways. I have read the accounts of people in prison who will habitually flee the harsh reality of their incarceration by fantasizing that they were in a different and beautiful place. This helped them to go through difficult times. Also, very sick and hospitalized people have used this beautiful escape a lot.
Yes, you are right, on return to reality, it can be very hard. But for these people, fantasy is like hope, the effective medication to an ailing soul or spirit.
For religious people like myself, the fact that man is the only being on the planet that is continually dependent on a higher being whose presence and actions he can only guess, predisposes man to fantasies. This dependence can sometimes drift into fantasies, like expecting God to change a situation and continually waiting for that miracle. This leads to a lot of heartbreaks. A lot of good people fall into this trap, fantasizing that God will remove ‘bad’ people and uplift ‘good’ ones. People judge for God and wait in vain for him to act out their judgement. Most times, those ‘bad’ people progress even further while the ‘good’ people’s condition worsen. This leads to huge heartbreaks and it happens every day. Religious fantasies can lead to unhappiness.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
Interesting perspective, Francis. Thank you for sharing your point of view.
bon says
Wow, I can relate almost exactly to Monica’s comments. I fantasized relationships being easy and a man being like actors in romantic comedies. I found it too hard to accept the reality so I avoided any long lasting relationships. Now in my 7th year of a relationship, I still struggle, but am more accepting of what is. A work in progress. I had no idea others did this. I thought it was my own flaw gleaned from years of Hollywood movies.
Bharati says
A great motivational message from you. After reading your emails and posts, I always feel more positive. Thank you.
Bobbie A says
Thank you for this reminder. I realized I was living a life of fantasy years ago when I was ironing in front of the TV set and saw a lovely old couple at the end of a movie walking away hand in hand, and it hit me that that was NEVER going to be my husband and myself. We never once took a walk like that, so why would it happen in the future? After 10 years of marriage where I worked one or two jobs to support us and he worked none, I realized I was living a lie. Also, he had become so increasingly violent, my life was now at stake. I got out of that marriage just in time.
Now years later, I have a nice life and a good husband, I realize I still fantasize in little ways that cause needless worry. Your “Getting Back to Happy Course” is very helpful, but I appreciate these reminders also.
Julia says
Hooray that you managed to get out of that situation and so open yourself up for a happier ending! That takes grit.
Marc Chernoff says
Bobbie, it great to know that our Getting Back to Happy course assisted you through a very tough life situation. And it’s inspiring to hear about the incredible progress you’ve made. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story with us. 🙂
Sarita says
Needed a reminder that worrying does nothing but add stress…also good to be reminded that worries aren’t reality. Thank for another amazing read!
Julia says
There’s a person I’ve been hoping to be with down the road. Recently he found someone else to fill the spot, “my” spot! I’m crushed and disappointed and pretty sure I’ll never get what I was hoping to have with him. Yet to accept that we ll never be together is just unpalatable right now. I need a halfway step. Here it is: If I love this man, I respect his choices and his ability to run his own life. If I don’t love him, then I’m just caught up in a crazy obsessive fantasy of my own making that, perforce, will never be satisfied and should be shed like the cocklebur it is. Cue the music.
L. says
Oh, story of my life. I always imagined or envisioned the perfect young adulthood… the types of things I was going to accomplish in my 20’s (getting engaged/married, finding Mr. Right, getting into the graduate program of my dreams, NOT being broke, moving out of my mom’s house, etc.) only to find out right now (I just turned 26 this month) that nothing is going the way I had pictured it when I was young. I just take things a day at a time. I am still… NOT married or engaged, in a complex and messy relationship, in grad school but it was my backup school, and still living at my mom’s because I am broke and going to school and not working full-time! It’s nice to be reminded these tips…
Lisa says
Hi L.
I’m your age and totally feel like you’re reading my life. lol. Chin up. Don’t weigh yourself down with what society ‘expects’ you to be right now. Write your own story. You’re unique and your journey is different. Some days are hard, yeah, but don’t think they’ll be like that forever. I feel like that too sometimes, but then I count my blessings, and think there’s more to life than all these expectations. You’re doing great. Keep smiling.Hugs.
Laura says
Thank you for this blog post – I found it to be very helpful. Initially when I thought of fantasies, I thought of fantasizing about positive things happening. It is good to realize that worrying about something bad happening is also considered a fantasy, which can be damaging, but accepting that life will bring setbacks and failures that are part of learning and don’t define a person. Thank you also for the reminder of staying present and loving each moment for what it is and each person for who they are and letting go of expectations or the need to be accepted or treated kindly or fairly.
Justin Stowe says
This is pure gold!
Numbers 8-10 specifically spoke to me. It’s so tempting to fantasize and dream and think that things will magically work out. But the truth is that we have to put in the work and persevere when things don’t come as quickly as we expected or hoped for.
Jen says
Thank you for the reminders in this post and in so many other posts. Reading them everyday really helps me develop better habits for thinking and living. I am a work in process, but it’s nice to have a focus for improvement instead of wallowing in misery and self-pity. I feel empowered. I am very grateful for your words.
jennifer harry says
Yes, Marc, You have hit the nail on the head with this excellent article!
You have put into words what I have always thought.
I was always lost in worry about particular things people have said to me in the past.
I have often wondered why I have been treated a certain way by someone and had come to the conclusion that it is not me who has the problem, it is them.
So instead of blaming myself thinking that I must be the scourge of the earth, I simply shrug my shoulders and tell myself to let it go. (Unless it was me that was the cause, but then I instantly recognise this and offer an apology).
Mary says
Thank you so much. My whole life has been a fantasy. I grew up in a wealthy neighborhood, my parents were wealthy, and I just assumed I would marry a suburban guy, have kids, and be a housewife like my Mom was. Didn’t happen. Never met the right guy. Parents sold the house and moved to Florida, and I was stuck living in the ghetto working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I couldn’t have kids. I was a survivor of 2 extremely violent crimes, and had 2 nervous breakdowns and ended up on disability making $700.00 a month. I spend my days thinking of how things should have been, and talking about the good ole days with friends on Facebook. I search the internet for houses I can barely afford back near my old neighborhood, instead of enjoying the house I do have in TN. I have no friends. I stay inside due to PTSD from the crimes, and just dream my days away about the life I want. I am 53, and am working on moving back home to a place I can’t afford, so I can be close to my friends, date men with things in common with me, and try to get back to work, even though I NOW have family here. I am torn between what I want to do, and what my family wants me to do, (stay here). How I got off on all of this, I don’t know. I am just so unhappy and lonely, poor and have no food at the end of the month. I miss Michigan. I miss everything about it. I only planned on staying in TN 2 years. Than the economy went belly up and I couldn’t sell my house. Now, I can and I want to jump on it. My family came here out of necessity, not out of want. Hurricanes in FL, and crime in Detroit. I don’t know what to do. I am dying here, and losing “me”. I’m sorry.
Chiz says
After reading this post, I pinched myself to wake up from my dreams and fantasies. Fantasies pulled me into sad situation few days ago. Things not being the way i planned. I spoke loudly to myself “I have a fantastic life” The life I didn’t plan might be more interesting than the one l planned. Thanks for writing frankly.
David Rapp says
A set of great reminders that worry and escape fantasies are basically accomplishing the same thing: filling time now and sacrificing any progress that can be made in the present. I struggle every day with it.
I am going to get some new treatments for my bi-polar disorder, and hopefully that will help limit the ruminating thoughts. If I could solve one puzzle in this disorder it would be to limit the circular thought patterns.
chisomo says
Thanks a lot M&A for the post. It really is filled with the truth.
Too many expectations leads to frustrations. Life is too short to waste it on wondering what could have been or what might become.
What matters is living the present and doing the best we can.
Brenda says
This is me too. I feel I run into one brick wall after another. My expectations were and are set high. I need to be able to love and appreciate what and who I am with now but I don,t get anywhere with that either. What to do?
Rachael says
I am a little confused by this statement. And it could certainly be how I am interpreting it. Isn’t the reason for getting healthy is to feel, either thru weight loss or self work to feel better about yourself and life in general? Isn’t better to be inspired and to have a goal? I guess for me I know making health life changes it is not a fix all and problems will still be there, but by taking care of oneself and having that goal of better chance at a better life an important inspiration and motivator? If I am off the mark on this please let me know.
“When we think about making a healthy change in our lives (like getting in shape), we are initially inspired by the fantasy of what life will feel like while we’re getting healthier, but… that’s not reality. So when the reality of working hard to exercise and eat right surfaces, and it doesn’t match up with our inspiring fantasy, we give up.”
Marc Chernoff says
The key is to have goals, but to mindfully measure and appreciate the progress you make each step of the way. Don’t let your expectations of how it “should” be — of how easy or great it should be — get in the way of the small (and sometimes tough) wins of each day that will gradually get you to where you want to be.
I hope that makes sense. 🙂
Chisom says
My fantasies often get me depressed or leave me believing that I haven’t achieved enough or that I’m behind or not good enough but the genuine moments of presence bring peace, joy and lots of laughter. It is truly best to live in the moment while working and aspiring to greater heights, a lot of the time, we never know how our dreams will be fulfilled, we just need to be ready to grab the opportunities as they come. NO to fantasies!!
Melanie says
Marc
Thank you again for another thought provoking email. We all have different circumstances that lead us to where we are and wherever that is we seem to always fantasise about being somewhere else – with someone else – doing a different job, having more money… and then you hear a shocker of a piece of news that a friend of a friend 34 has cancer and its spread and it doesn’t look good.
That puts fantasising about what we don’t have into great perspective – your health is everything first and foremost and that was a huge wake up call for me.
I live in a day dreamy world and sometimes the escapism is wonderful fantasising about life and this things to come – the trouble with that is its your little fantasy that you create – you write it and so therefore you expect it to come about and for everyone it it to behave how you have imagined and events to unfold just how you have fantasised and when it doesn’t like you are as you say left disappointed and we created that ourselves – that initial dreamy escapism – can lead to disappointment.
I will be living in the moment today – taking time to smell the roses.
Thanks for another great article – please keep up the great work you guys are like a life coach I can’t afford!
Jaime Leigh says
An awesome post to remind us to stop telling ourselves fantasy stories. So happy to see so many people in their 20’s & 30’s reading this and letting it sink in. You are preventing unnecessary heartache and disappointment. I can’t change the past, but I sure am glad that I am finding inspirational posts to inform me and to remind me that it does take work to a better self.
Mosab Alkhteb says
Wow! That is s totally different perspective, and it’s useful especially when those fantasies are unrealistic , like: he should have laughed at everything I said, or: they’re going to reject me, you’ll get that if you focus on it.
I think sometimes we create scripts and scenarios inside our heads and end up making them a reality, those fantasies can become self-fulfilling prophecies, cause we get more of whatever we focus on.