The human experience is filled with love, passion, creativity, joy, connection, compassion, laughter… and the taste of chocolate. But because we as human beings learn, evolve and grow through life’s ups and downs, our experience also includes plenty of difficult situations that round us out.
The key is to not let life’s difficult situations get the best of you.
Think about the most gut-wrenching situations you’ve endured in your life. Doing so likely brings up some very uncomfortable feelings. And the associated memories may stir anxiety, anger or sadness, and thus, may continue to quietly affect the quality of your life. This is a predicament many of us face.
Now imagine how you would feel if you were able to get over these feelings. By “get over” I mean no longer suffering over something that happened in the distant past. I know this is possible because Angel and I have both personally come to peace with extremely difficult, heartbreaking situations, and we’ve witnessed hundreds of our course students do the same.
So what are the secrets? Here’s what works for us…
1. Practice noticing, and then letting go of, your ideals.
When a difficult situation from your past stirs anxiety, anger, sadness, and so forth, it means there’s some ideal you’re attached to that’s triggering your suffering. It can be tough to notice this ideal at first, but with practice you can see it with ease. If you’re sad, for example, there’s an ideal situation you yearn for, and are holding on to, that doesn’t match reality. Perhaps a family member did something hurtful to you – you are sad because (ideally) this person shouldn’t hurt you. But this ideal – even if it makes sense – is NOT helping you, it’s hurting you. If you want the past to be different than it is, you’ll be sad or angry or anxious for the rest of your life. Noticing what you’re holding on to is the first step.
The second step is letting the ideal go. While it may be impossible to completely relinquish yourself from fantasizing about all your ideals, if you see that a particular ideal is causing you to suffer, you can make a conscious choice to let it go. Sure, in an ideal world your family would never hurt you, but again, that’s not reality. Letting go of this ideal means embracing the reality that every family member you have is a human being, and human beings sometimes make terrible mistakes. There’s nothing ideal about it, but that’s the truth, and it must be accepted.
Peace of mind in the long run is about allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with “what is,” rather than wishing for and worrying about “what is not.” “What is” is what’s real – the rest is just you, arguing with life.
2. Release your judgments.
It’s impossible to get over a difficult situation – to let it go – if you’re still obsessively judging what happened. Let’s revisit one of those gut-wrenching situations from your past again – choose one that still stirs negative emotions. And then ask yourself:
- Do you believe it should not have happened at all?
- Do you believe the outcome should have been different?
- Do you take what happened personally?
- Do you blame someone else for what happened?
- Do you blame yourself?
- Do you believe the situation is impossible to get over?
If you caught yourself thinking “yes” to one or more of those questions, then what’s prolonging your suffering and preventing you from getting over it is judgment. Your judgments about what happened in the past continue to keep the situation present in your mind, and thus, it continues to impact your daily life.
Now you may be thinking, “What happened was unbelievably horrible – I can’t conceive of ever getting over it!” But releasing your judgment does not mean you’re pleased with what happened, or that you support it, but rather that you are eliminating the negative burden you’re carrying by perpetually judging it.
When you let go of your negative judgments, you automatically replace the victim mentality with acceptance and presence. And acceptance and presence together will free your mind. (Angel and I show how in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Find something to be grateful for in the present moment, despite the situation.
Happiness doesn’t always make us grateful, but gratitude always helps us smile. Some may say that’s a cliché, but it’s not. Gratitude is the foundation. And happiness is simply the sacred experience of living with a genuinely grateful heart.
Expressing gratitude is so simple though, right? How could it possibly make that big of a difference?
Yes, being grateful seems simple enough, but a grateful state of mind is unbelievably hard to maintain when life disappoints us. And that’s the kicker – when we’re feeling down and disappointed, that’s exactly when a dose of gratitude is most powerful.
So what’s the best approach?
Being grateful starts with being present. You can’t appreciate your life when you’re not paying attention to it. And the truth is, we make our present situations much worse when we replay difficult past situations in our heads (“How could she possibly have done that to me?”), or when we ruminate over all the situations that might be problematic in the future (“What if he cheats on me?”). In the present moment, our real situation is rarely as convoluted as we make it out to be. And we can meet this moment with grace and gratitude, if we can truly stay in the present.
When our mind drifts into the past or speculates about the future, we must do our best to catch ourselves, and then refocus mindfully back on the present. Once we’re back, the key is to accept the moment as it is. Our reality can ruin us if we deny it and fight it … or we can accept it for what it is, be grateful for it, and gradually make the best of it. This takes practice, of course, because gratitude tends to escape us when we feel let down. But this is the real world, not an ideal world. And your reality always contains a silver lining of beauty, if you choose to see it.
For Angel and me, working through life’s difficulties has grown significantly easier for us in recent times. Instead of focusing on how arduous everything is, we have ritualized the practice of gratitude into our lives, and we use our gratitude rituals to find glimmers of hope and joy in the small steps of progress we make every day. (Angel and I build small, life-changing daily rituals like this with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
4. Do something small for someone else – make them the center of your universe for a little while.
You are not the center of the universe, and yet when you’re overwhelmed with a difficult life situation, it’s easy to feel like you are.
I think we all have the occasional tendency to put ourselves at the center, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us. But this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.
Let me give you a personal example…
This morning I was faced with the reality of rejection – an opportunity I applied for was not decided in my favor. At first I felt terrible – I felt a familiar feeling of not being good enough. But I caught myself and shifted my focus. Instead of ruminating over my disappointment, I thought about other people I might help – I thought about writing a new blog post on www.marcandangel.com. Finding little ways to help others snaps me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing in self-pity anymore – I’m starting to think about what others need. I’m not second-guessing myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough or not is no longer the central question. The central question now is about how I can give back. And writing on www.marcandangel.com is my go-to way of giving back.
Angel and I initially developed this strategy in our lives over a decade ago as we were struggling with the near simultaneous loss of two loved ones. It was really hard to find motivation when we didn’t think we had the strength to push forward – when we felt downright horrible and sorry for ourselves. But we took one small step every day – oftentimes just writing a short blog post to share some lessons learned with others who might find our stories and insights helpful – and it felt good, and we gradually got stronger.
So I followed suit again this morning – I took a small step forward… just turning on my laptop, opening up a new document, and writing a single sentence. Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling down. And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next. And the end result is this blog post you’re reading now. I sincerely hope you benefit from it in some small way.
The Power of Your Response
If there’s one thing the four strategies – or secrets – above have in common, it’s the importance of responding to life’s difficulties more effectively. When you can let go of your ideals, judgments, and self-pity parties, you give yourself the space required to respond to life’s difficult situations more effectively… and that changes everything.
And this applies to everyday difficulties too, not just life’s larger scale catastrophes. For example, when my 2-year-old son, Mac, dumped his dinner plate on the floor last night, I could have gotten upset (“He knows better and he shouldn’t do that!”) and scream (not effective at all), or I could have done exactly what I did and simply let go of that ideal – that judgment – and the resulting tension, and then calmly explain the situation to Mac while helping him clean it up (and yes he actually helped too). My response was indeed the more effective option.
Regardless of the situation at hand, when we respond in emotional haste and angst, we only compound our problems. Taking a deep breath, or ten, and responding calmly means we’re going to be able to better handle any difficult situation, whether it’s an emergency or the unexpected loss of a loved one or a 2-year-old’s belligerent misconducts.
Bottom line: You can’t control everything that happens (or everything that has happened), but you can control the way you respond. And in your response is your greatest power.
Your turn…
Which point above resonated with you the most, and why?
Anything else to share? We would love to hear from YOU.
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?
Valencia Ray, MD says
Getting over and through difficult situations in life takes time and practice, and I strongly believe your advice here is applicable to most people. There are always the exceptions, but if most people follow these four points, they will be better off in the long run.
And to answer your question, your 4th point here about helping others struck a chord with me. Your articles, emails, book, etc. have all had such a tremendous impact on my life. And one the the biggest benefits is that I’ve been able to leverage the positive changes I’ve made in my life to help other in my family and social circles. And doing so has exponentially increased the joy I’ve been gradually achieving in my re-invented (post-divorce) life.
Omolola says
Would like to with the last point. Doing something for people but my problem is how to go about it in my local environment. Thanks
Marc Chernoff says
Perhaps you could volunteer at a hospital, nursing home, or homeless shelter once a month.
Marc Chernoff says
That’s beautiful, Valencia. Keep giving back.
J.J. says
Like always, this post arrived in my email inbox right on time.
Every point here resonates in some way, but what I need to continue to work on the most is ritualizing gratitude deeper into my life. As you’ve eluded to, gratitude comes easy on good days, but when times are tough gratitude is the last on my agenda. I’m beginning to see how helpful it is though. Because of your coaching, I’ve recently implemented an evening gratitude ritual into my life that is already making a difference. Thank you, and please keep up the excellent work.
Marc Chernoff says
Well done, J.J.! My evening gratitude ritual has truly made a world of difference in my life. It’s inspiring to hear that it’s doing the same for you too.
Kelly Whitcomb says
“Your response is your greatest power!”
Such beautiful, simple wisdom we so often forget.
Like all of your emails, articles, and video lessons, this content piece was incredibly insightful. Thanks so much!
Keshia says
It’s amazing how we so often forget the simplest things in life. An attitude of gratitude is always the best thing to practice and even that takes time to sink in. It is so true that our response to difficult situations in life is what counts and it is remarkable that this is such a timely reminder. I thank you guys for your inspirations each day. They are a valuable part of my days. Keep up the good work. May God continue to bless and keep you and your family.
Angry Anonymous says
Spooky timing for this post… I just lost my cool yesterday.
I went to dinner with some friends, and one of them recounted a story where he and my partner drunkenly fell down 2 flights of stairs at my house. The ambulance was called, and were taken to hospital. They got checked out, and with no lasting damage released later the next day. In the meantime, I cleaned up all of the mess that spilled down the staircase.
I was so angry at the time, that they were so stupid, and could only think of all the things that could have happened. I was so angry at my boyfriend, as I saw this as a typical example of how his alcoholism would have ended his life.
So every time I hear this story I get angry at them again. I haven’t forgiven them, and I get angry at the way they so flippantly talk about this event, as if it is some joke to laugh about. I can’t ever imagine that I can “release by judgement” about this situation, but I see the benefit in doing so.
Jim Juvera says
Your words and experience was truly needed today. WE HAVE EXPERIENCED A tragic loss of our daughter. This has greatly affected our marriage, our business , our positive outlook in all life has to offer. I’m tired of feeling scared of the future and sad about the past. I’m ready to get back on track and with similar struggles that you went through, and what you did. You lessons here have reinforced what I need to do to heal. Thank you.
Susan says
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. My parents lost their daughter, my sister when she was only 41, I never thought how it affected them until now. How selfish of me, as the grief is just so great.
There is nothing I can say that will make your lost feel better. Im just truly so sorry.
Marc Chernoff says
Sending prayers of strength your way, Jim. You are in our thoughts.
Thithiksha says
The last point was really the wisest advice I’ve read in awhile – our response to situation is the best way to avoid the troubles in life.
Savannah says
Just when I think your teachings can’t get any better, they always do.
Today’s article has given me better tools to deal with my personal judgement toward several poor life choices I’ve made in the past and offered more practical ways of letting go of the same negative response I’ve held toward a set of ideals I wish were present in my life but aren’t.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Savannah. Thank you for the extra kindness.
Rachel says
Thanks for sharing this, I’m in a process of change that is taking much longer than anticipated and I have to remind myself of all the good things in my life presently – which resulted from another big/stressful change a few years ago.
Chris Smith says
This morning I felt really low because I have messed things up with my work and my kids. Somehow in the midst of that I suddenly thought to message Lisa and thank her for being my beautiful wife. Immediately she responded with love and support. Then your email landed, and said “find something to be grateful for.”
It works. Thank you.
Chris.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for sharing that with us, Chris. It sounds like you and your wife have a beautiful relationship. 🙂
Debbie says
Not feeling good enough. A life long feeling. It has been very hard to shake. It does affect my entire life. I need to remember, it’s a good day to have a good day. Thank you for writing this.
Anonymous says
Great article, the author Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People stated, “Between stimulus and response is the freedom to choose”. We can choose how we respond by stop replaying the same old tapes in our heads or as you state in the article “release our judgments”. All the best!
Kay says
Thank you so much for this post. Your word hit home some times you know the words but when they are put in the right words for you at the right time they click in. Keep up the great work. Kay
Rebecca says
Very helpful in dealing with difficult family situation. Thank you!!!!!!!!! So glad you wrote this to help yourself and many of us, roo!
Tammy De Roche says
On time !! Let the universe continue to guide you when you don’t yourself… You wrote this Blog to me that morning you felt so blue …
Thank you !! Blessings & Best Regards !!
Charlotte Orth says
I like the idea of giving up the ideal that we have in our minds and accepting what is. I have to do this with my family of origin a lot.
Grieving Betrayed Spouse says
“releasing your judgment does not mean you’re pleased with what happened, or that you support it, but rather that you are eliminating the negative burden you’re carrying by perpetually judging it.”
Struggling with a spouse’s infidelity is arguably one of the most painful experiences a human being can face. While we know we ‘should’ take this sage advise, the pain and images of what was haunt without warning.
Thank you for sharing this–an eloquent reminder of what must be in order to move on, find serenity and joy again.
Pearl says
sorry for your heart-breaking grief….if you need a good resource for help..go to
affairrecovery.com
may you find peace again. God bless you.
Mary J says
I too am a betrayed spouse; your words resonate deeply.
I have always struggled with the phrase “let it go “..and have replaced it with “let it be”. To me, it means a level of acceptance, letting “things” be , exactly where they are, in the past, whilst at the same time, practicing the hard lesson of relinquishing my judgement.
It still hurts, broken hearts bleed; but the bleeding eases, the wound scabs over and the healing begins. Slowly, but surely. And Affair Recovery is an EXCELLENT resource, if you care to check it out, as Pearl mentioned.
Wishing you peace;
Valerie says
Let it be instead of Let it go – I love that. Thank you.
Eileen says
This too arrived at a timely time. Yesterday I was having a pity party for myself. I have been struggling the past 4 yrs with moving on after a terrible time. I had friends visiting me and had a great time, then after a few days they departed leaving me feeling empty & blu as I am leearning to live on my own after a very long time.
I just felt awful, sad, tears of lonilenss, why I was here, what happened, etc.. The pity part in full forced. I stopped put my dogs collar on and said, lets go out and walk. Walk we did. ((Kinda)) I have a Saint Bernard, everywhere we go, we bring people a reaction. Yesterday was incredible. One women stopped me, asked if she could hug him as she has a brokken heart and knows hell make her feel better. I walked past a very old women, she stopped me, asked too if she could pet him, hadnt seen a saint in years. Every where we go, people are in awe… What was different on this walk, we left our neighberhood of the UES and venture to Central Park in NYC.
A simple change for me, brighten my day to new hightest, but the love that my saint brings to other is like something one just has to see. My day turned out perfect as I saw so many people smile and I smile back.
Eileen says
PS he weighs 160 lbs… And looks like a wooly mammoth or a baby bear walking…
NY’er see on dog for the most part weighing 5-20 lbs…
Dont feel bad for my saint in a city, as I have a country home we go back to, but he loves the city as much as I, he sits with me outside in resturants, so many many new smells for him, and he too has a bigger social life!
Sylvia says
Thank you for this wonderfu, very timely blog! I’ve been having pity parties for some time now. It’s definitely time to stand up, dust myself off, and find a more rewarding activity. By rewarding I mean fun, healthy, certainly more positive. I love the idea of practicing gratitude on a daily basis. I am aware that what I’m going through will pass. Fortunately, I have a great support system. I am going to tell friends and family how much I appreciate them…right now!
Thanks so much!
Nancy says
When I was 13 my parents moved me from my home, a farm in New York state, and my sisters and extended family, to lower rural Alabama. I was probably the only kid that age who had a life plan. It totally derailed my life, as I saw it. Now more than 35 years later, I have begun writing a story that has my life turning out the way I saw it playing out at that age. Writing it down seems to allow me to let go of all of the “if only”s and “what if”s and put the past to rest. If the me of the story ends up with all of the experiences and outcomes she had hoped for, I’ll be happy for her, and be able to let the mud of the past settle to the bottom of the pond, and I’ll be able to swim in the clearer water.
Strategies – everyone needs them!!
Tammie says
I broke my leg recently and have been guilty of some of the above thought processes. This was a very timely article. Thank you for sharing.
Anita says
Thank you so much for this today! I am still stuggleing after the loss of my daughter and searching for different ways to arrange things in my mind to make our situation not quite so difficult!
Salzara says
Thank you! Number 2 resonated with me! I am trying to let go of past hurts! This article is therapy for me!
Wilson says
point no. 2 felt so touching to me..
releasing my judgments – to let go of samthg
thanks guys for da great work dat u r doing…
Catherine Beirens says
So nice to read this today. Difficult times for me, I’m very ill and the doctors can’t find out yet if there is a remedy. Lot of anger, time in the past, what have I done and what should I have done… as I gradually am more ill it seems to me things don’t go fast enough for the medical part and it’s frustrating… maybe I should stay more in the moment and appreciate the things that sometimes still are nice…maybe I should accept the situation and let go of the guilt, its is not my fault and I do my very best… maybe I should work on my response and instead of being angry and sad, find out how to optimizet my response to the doctors, my family and my illness… I’m a fighter, I can’t let it go and wait for this tests and appointments giving no result and with long waiting lists… but I clearly should work on my response, to be more effective and to have more time for me and my kids and things I like to do while it is still possible… Your nice and positive articles are helping me a lot, before I was ill, and now that I am ill.
Thank you,
Catherine from Belgium
Sarah Shine says
I’m really sorry about this. Do you think private health insurance is worthwhile in this day and age then?
Susan Bahig says
Good afternoon Catherine,
I’m really sorry to hear that you are very ill !! Hoping you to be very well as soon as possible.
After the permission of Mr.Marc, if you do not mind, I’d like to tell you something.
I’m 30 years old & I’m not married yet, but I have experienced a lot of extremely hard circumstances you may ever imagine, & recently to have cancer in the last two years.
I do not know what is the type of your illness, but I’m very sure it is very hard, & you are trying to do your best.
I am trying to convey to you my experiment.. For somehow, I felt that I am completely weak & I cannot move on with my therapy sessions. I had a great number of chemotherapy sessions which have changed my appearance totally (having one replaced breast, became completely bald, in addition to every single change in my weak body).
Beside all this struggle, I have found that my fiancee left me & married another girl 6 months ago after a big love story for 5 years !! He was my first love …
Despite everything, you can imagine how terrible I was.
My mother & two sisters never left me, they gave me a big support & love to continue, in addition of course to Mr.Marc’s posts which helped me very much.
Now, I finished my therapy thank to Allah, and I m beginning to regain my health.
Please I ask you NOT to surrender to anything bad in life. DO NOT lose your faith in GOD or in your loved ones, or in the deeply good people like Marc & Angel who helped us to move on in this good life.
I’m sorry for being long, but I just wanted to help you as you are very dear to all of us, to your kids, to your existence in life.
You are very precious with your soul and your deeds.
Thank you, With my love,
Susan.
Susan Bahig says
Thank you so much Mr.Marc !! Really it is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read.
I just need an inquiry, if you can discuss how can we overcome a failure in love relationships??
As you see in my case, the shock of knowing that my fiancee married another girl almost kills me !! I do not want to say that its affect is much stronger than bad diseases, but it really is.
I’m trying to overcome this, but in every time I try to forget, I remember everything again especially they are in my work place.
If you discuss this later, I’ll be very grateful.
Thank you so much for everything you & Mrs.Angel do, you are really nice two angels.
With my esteem,,,
Susan.
Barb says
#3 has always been my go-to in tough situations (and happier times, too). I’ve been sick for most of this past year, and the practise of finding three things to be grateful for every morning and writing them in my journal has really helped me find the strength to keep going.
Thanks for your heartfelt and heart-filled writing!
Irole Charles says
Precise, concise and timely. Found this piece of words as an encouraging factor: “Father I am grateful or else I will become a great fool.”
Jeremy says
A timely post. This is something I’ve been neglecting lately, but last night and this morning have been pretty difficult because of the conflicts between my ideals and reality. I have had a daily habit of gratitude in the past but eventually it feels like it becomes routine and not as authentic, so I’m looking to get better at expressing and feeling gratitude in all situations.
Thank you for this post.
Kristal says
My favorite point was to do something for someone else. I loved this!! I know that whenever I take the focus off of my own circumstances and struggles and focus on someone else, my difficulties get smaller and I am able to be thankful for what I do have. These were all great tips, but that was my favorite!
Imani Azhar says
I’m a firm believer that it’s how you respond in your moments of defeat that really defines the type of person you are.
When you can improve your ability to navigate the difficult times, you not only live a happier life, but you also grow as person.
My favorite things is Learn From the Difficult Times
When I find myself in middle of an ugly situation, I like to pick everything apart and see what went wrong and what I could’ve done differently.
I always end up learning something that helps me and I eventually get a really clear picture of what I need to do to make sure I’m not in the same situation again.
Or if I do find myself in a similar situation, I know what to do to minimize the difficulty of the situation.
It’s easier getting through a difficult time when you know the chances of it happening again are slim to none.
Shaktimi says
This totally helped me through a gut-wrenching day. My insides were twisted and reading this piece did indeed release the twister that was raging inside. It was almost magical how effective your writing had on me. It forced me to confront my truth, tear down the victim role I was in and take the issue head on. The comfort I received was big and I am so very grateful. Thanks for helping yourself by helping us! I have re-read this numerous times. I will indeed attend one of your seminars someday.
Tarcia says
Thank you. you have really inspired me to appreciate my present and to always look to the bright side.
Braja says
As you have said, being happy does not mean that one would be grateful, but by being grateful, one will be happy. This is a simple truth and a sure shot way to be happy. Alas, we tend to forget this simple, small but extremely powerful tip.
Thanks for reminding.