Holding on can be painful. Holding on can directly contribute to stress, health complications, unhappiness, depressive thoughts, relationship problems, and so on.
Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything.
We don’t like change, so we resist it.
We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
We get attached to our fantasies…. even when they hurt us.
Over the past decade, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when our imagination doesn’t represent reality.
So how can we stop holding on?
By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not – it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Today, I challenge you to ask yourself:
- What are you desperately trying to hold on to in your life?
- How is it affecting you?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.
How would that change your situation?
Think about it carefully, and then remind yourself of why it’s time to let GO…
- When you let go, you allow yourself to make the best of what you’ve got. – A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it.
- When you let go, you get to use your resources more effectively. – Holding on is like wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these things will take care of themselves naturally, and your needs can also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter – the things you actually can control – like your attitude about everything.
- When you let go, you free your mind from needless worries. – When you are lost in worry, it is easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be mindful. Let your presence expand and your worries shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in the possibilities.
- When you let go, you learn more about how life really works. – When you hold on to how things “should” be, and attempt to control the uncontrollable, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- When you let go, you get to appreciate others for who they truly are. – It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.
- When you let go, you get to focus less on pleasing others, and more on just doing the best you can. – How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments disappointed you or stressed you out because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is, most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can.
- When you let go, you allow yourself to grow and heal. – If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal, as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually let them go. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality, and everything that followed, is part of letting it go and growing from it.
- When you let go, it gets easier to forgive yourself, and love yourself again. – Ask yourself: is it possible that all the “bad” or “stupid” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was that bad. It was a terrible mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was – and am – worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”
- When you let go, you get to enjoy more of life’s pleasant surprises. – Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? Then let go of the constant rumination, and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living.
- When you let go, you live more gratefully (and gracefully). – To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward every day. (Angel and I build powerful daily rituals for taking positive steps forward with our students in the “Goals & Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Closing Thoughts on Letting Go
I hope this short post brings more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t something only a monk can do, and it isn’t about hiding from pain either. It’s about being human and open-minded. It’s about identifying the source of your pain, and accepting it so you can learn and grow from it.
When you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for any challenge that could possibly come your way. Think about it…
If a major, unexpected change arises in your life, it’s only a “bad” thing if you’re holding on tightly to the way you wish life could be – all the expectations you have. But if you let go of that wish (and those expectations), the change isn’t bad. It just makes life different than you expected, and it could be a good thing in the long run if you embrace it and see the opportunities it provides.
Bottom line: We cause 99% our own problems by holding on too tightly, to everything.
But we can get out of our own way, and find harmony, by letting go.
Your turn…
We would love to hear from YOU.
So let’s revisit the two questions I presented in the intro of this post:
- What are you desperately trying to hold on to in your life?
- How is it affecting you?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, our next annual Think Better, Live Better conference is taking place February 18-19, 2017. Sign-up here to be notified when tickets go on sale, and you will also be automatically qualified for a discounted early bird ticket (while they last). Note: you can watch short clips from our 2016 event here, here and here.
J.J. says
Marc and Angel, I’m truly enjoying your the writings and teachings in your book, emails and blog. And this says a lot about the quality of your work, because I’m a cynic about self-help advice and don’t causally buy into it. But I really appreciate your insights.
As it relates to your questions above, I have lots to let go of.
As my 50th b-day approaches tomorrow, I’m struggling with the gap between what I expected my life to look like at 50 vs. the way my life really is today. The two are not even close. It’s difficult to accept that I have not done what I set out to do to the best of my ability, largely because of an uncontrollable circumstance that debilitated my health. But it was healing to read your thoughts on this. As I journal about them and ritualize them (part of a helpful strategy I picked up from your GBTH course) and try to apply them to my life circumstances, I know your words will gradually help me reframe what my life is, and design a wiser vision for my present and future.
Arphea says
Well said. …
To god be the glory. ….I’m truly blessed reading your words…..continue bringing positive words…..may God bless you both. .
I’m truly am bless…
The power of the word in letting go of past endeavors in your teaching was well received. …thank you….
Cathleen says
Happy birthday for tomorrow JJ. Here’s to you “floating” through the day and all the days to come.
Lesley Blenkiron says
Hi J J,
My heart went out to you when I read that you were approaching 50 and your life isn’t what you imagined it would be. I felt the same, up until my mid fifties and then I decided to change it. Here’s the thing, I didn’t actually have to change anything other than my attitude to my life, and once I did this, my life has opened up and now in my early 60’s I’m living my dream life.
I accepted responsibility for everything and then changed the things I could. I faced my fears, fear is just a word, I had attached limiting feelings to this word and had stopped myself from experiencing some pretty amazing things in my life. I improved my health by eating better and exercising more. I let go of the people that were limiting my life. I moved from a place I didn’t enjoy living and I stopped being afraid of success. I listened to my intuition and I followed my dream career ignoring the stumbling blocks along the way. I now love my life, I’m fulfilling all my dreams, I’ve developed stratergies to deal with any issues that arise and this has all happened because I took ownership of my life. J J you can do this to, it doesn’t matter how old you are because it really is NEVER EVER TO LATE TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE, go for it, start today xx
Marc Chernoff says
JJ, I know we’ve already spoken via email, but I wanted to say it again here: You are an inspiration, and we are truly grateful that you are here and willing to share your thoughts with us. Thank you.
Michelle S says
Thank you once again, M&A. I love when your wisdom arrives in my inbox right on time!
These thoughts on letting go have been well received at my end. I have come to understand and accept that letting go doesn’t come as naturally to me as I would hope. I tend to hold on tight to almost everything, as you’ve said. This is especially true in my relationships. For example, while letting go makes sense, my emotional heart still strives to hold on and create an idea of who my husband is and what our relationship could be, despite the fact that my fantasies aren’t real. But even just reading these words reminds me that others too are struggling with this same issue in various ways, and that makes me feel less alone and gives me hope that I too can adjust my mindset and make better sense of things.
Marc Chernoff says
You got it, Michelle. We’re all in this together. 🙂
Wes says
Love this post, Marc. Thank you! Lot’s of food for thought.
I’ve been holding on to a career choice I made 11 years ago when I was only 20, and I’m finally building up the courage to let it go and rebuild my career in a field that deeply resonates with who I am today.
Also, I signed up to hear more about THink Better, Live Better 2017. Sounds like a great event!
Marc Chernoff says
Looking forward to seeing you at the TBLB 2017, Wes! 🙂
Patricia. Shark says
Thank you. Everyday I would struggle with my relationships and although I felt pain in my heart I read the self help and realize its a reality and it is what it is and can be more comfortable in moving on in my life. Letting go is a big part. I gave away and threw away material objects that were constant reminders.
Francisco says
Letting go has been difficult for me. I held on to a career which did not go the way I had imagined, my relationships came to sad endings and I use to believe I had little to do with the end results, but I am trying to assume my responsibilities and rebuild those that at important for me and ensure that new ones run smoothly. Your words have been of great help and I want to thank you both,
Helen says
Hi Marc and Angel.
Your article comes at a perfect time for me too. I also struggle with letting go of past positive and negative experiences in my life. Holding on to the positive ones in hopes that I can recreate that time of my life again and holding on to the negative ones because the negative is what appears to be easier than accepting the truth about who I really am, which is the complete opposite of my negative experiences.
Your visualization exercise is perfect to remind me of the simplicity of floating and allowing what happens to happen. The water around me will always support my fall where as the edge of the pool that I so desperately try to reach will only cause a big bump on my head!!!!
Your simplicity to the man-made complexity of life is greatly appreciated.
Teresa says
Thank you for this. I’m struggling with the reality of my husband leaving me after 30 years together. I thought we would be together forever, was looking forward retirement in the next decade, celebrating our Golden wedding one day and looking after each other in old age. Instead, I wake at night to an empty bed thinking why, why all over again. Every time I feel I have made progress something happens to send me straight back down the ladder of pain and torment. Recently he has moved on with somebody else which just compounds my pain. I know I need to let go of the ‘idea’ of a future together which no longer exists, as well as the idea of my ‘perfect’ husband. I want to let go of the past and face the future with some kind of positivity and optimism but it seems impossible.
Elva says
Teresa, I was once in a situation very similar to yours. It hurts enormously, and I sympathize with you. But I realized that all the negative thoughts and emotions would eat me alive, and wouldn’t hurt him at all. So I asked God, in prayer, to take away all my negative feelings (anger, hatred, self-pity, and so-on) out of my heart and my life. And He did.
I won’t kid you, it will take some time for you to get over the hurt and betrayal. Start your days with prayer, get out and go for a walk as often as you can. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if sometimes you can’t see the light through your tears. Any time you feel alone, ask for God’s help to get you through the next 10 minutes, or the next half hour. If you have a Bible, read Isaiah chapters 40 and 41 — you will recognize the verses you need.
I can truthfully say that I am at peace with myself, and thankful that I survived that awful time in my life. Peace and hope from Elva
Sue Ambrosi says
I too lost my husband, but after 40 years. He moved in with the woman next door, and last month, married her after living with her for 5 years.
Devastating. I almost died because of a heart attack, and had to begin again. But I did it on my knees in total supplication, asking help for a new path, a new job, a new attitude. And humility before the Lord brought amazing miracles to my life. But it took 5 years of cna, then care coordinator work where I found the core of who I was, and the simple joys of every day life became my healing balm. Live in the present, not the past which brings depression, or the future, which brings anxiety. Just wrap yourself in love and take baby steps, Baby. Walk with the Lord.
Mary Jane says
You poor thing. I can empathize. I just found out that my husband has betrayed me multiple times during our 28 year marriage. We are still together, also looking towards retirement, but the future doesn’t look anything like I thought it would….in my plans and dreams. Learning to let it be, and accepting life’s inevitable changes and disappointments is a hard lesson, a long road. Know that you’re not alone, even though individual circumstances may be different. If you are a believer, trust that our God is at the center of our lives, He cares. Peace to you…..
Suzie Duffin says
I just read your post, i never realized how stuck in the past I’ve been until now. I personally have chosen to make my life a living hell. I’ve been in some horrific relationships that have almost ended my life. Needless to say they have made me gun shy.
Anastasia says
This is so true and I have nothing to add to this.
A few months ago I realised exactly that. In order to move on, to be happy and content, I needed to let go. It made me a stronger person.
Juniour Smith says
One of the best of choices i have made is to let go when it counts the most,although though it may seem ,the better i have been,when i did let go of a whole lot ,my life did have a clear sense of direction,and i found out as time went by , i have been more productive and a better person as a whole .
Monica says
Just brilliant! Thank you.
Mark Charlton says
Fantastic post, so well written. A lot of great points made here.
Joann Vassel says
You inspire me so much. It’s almost like you’re talking directly to me, reading my mind. I really thank you for sharing your wisdom and inspiration.
Nanette says
Me too!
S.J. says
Thank you so much for this post! I can’t tell you how timely this is for me. I’m struggling with this very same thing right now.
I’m holding on to how things used to be, old friendships/relationships but the thing is it seems everyone has moved on. It’s a bit painful considering I valued some of these friendships but life goes on and people grow apart for whatever reason. This I know but the struggle for me is in being ok with the change and accepting reality. Your analogy about being blindfolded in the large pool couldn’t be more accurate for how I feel about life at this moment.
Being somewhat stuck in the past is having a negative effect on me and I know that I have to let go but I guess out of fear I haven’t yet. I’m hopeful I will get there in time.
Thanks again for this post!
Rachael Paterson says
I was just talking about this to my brother yesterday. I’ve been working on just this very subject. I had not talked to him in months I called him to see if he would meet me for a cup of coffee. We have both grown up in a pretty violent household, We handled it differently. I finally could say the words to him, I can’t change the past I’m Letting Go. It’s okay that I dont speak with my parents. I can love them but move on. I think there’s a sense of relief with letting go. Hanging on truly defined my path. Am I were I thought I would be at 55? No, but baby steps I am ok in this new moment I am healthy and have a roof over my head. What I’m learning by letting go is, it is kinda of like cleaning out a room full of old dust covered boxes, then stepping back and letting the fresh air in and admiring the openess of the room.
Thank you for this article.
owlcity says
I’m truly enjoying how you write and coach others. It gradually reveals me to myself, thus making my life easier.
You really opened my Mind with this one!
Catherine says
Thanks for sharing this valuable post , really enjoyed reading it , it totally resonates with my difficulties to let go mainly due to the fact that I like controlling everything and that I stress when things don’t go the way I expected them to go , also due to the fact that there is a gap between my life right now I’m 52 and the way I expected it to be I’m anxious not being able to live up to my expectations but I should think that there is no perfect timing in life , it is never too late to get a sense of fullfillment !
Jana says
Oh my goodness, I so very much needed this today! I’ve been holding on entirely too tightly to the possibility of a relationship with someone I met recently. Thank you so much for this article today. I love all of your articles. Keep up the good work!
Sureyya YARGIC says
Dear Marc,
It is not a coincidence I open my tablet and read that article which seems written for me.
I had a very bad bullying at my company where I have been working since 14 years as a Country Manager and being very successful.
I have addressed to an Attorney via one my best friend’s ex Director to get some support but they reported me wrongly to the my company and gave me totally wrong advices to me.
In fact my life became very mesarable and my new goal on bullying coaching has been blocked also.
Anyway yesterday I have started a breathing therapy and this morning I got this article so no more hold on and time to LET GO !
Really appreciated and you can never ever imagine how you touched my soul this morning.
Many thanks & lots of blessings
Laura says
Letting go wasn’t how I was taught to be successful. Hard work, competition and juggling multiple balls staying one step ahead to “survive” were my driving beliefs. Mixed with lots of people pleasing and approval seeking to validate my plan and progress.
Recipe for disappointment, depression, confusion, inauthenticity and even abuse.
I’ve been holding onto a job that’s not a good fit and even rather toxic. I invested so much time and money as well as ego in a high status position but it’s not been healthy in multiple ways and my physical health reflects that. Clear to me though I keep trying harder I am unable to share my gifts or move forward under these circumstances. Let go of security, paycheck, status, old beliefs, winning the battle to stay, etc. The challenge is there is nothing obvious or on the horizon to replace the flow of energy that has been directed toward making life work in this format….the cliff edge is where I stand. I can jump or be pushed over. Trust and faith in walking a path unknown are areas I’m being seriously challenged to face today. Letting go is the first step.
Genki says
I have been carrying a torch for a guy for 3 years. He has been honest, he’s just not interest in anything more than “just friends” but he says he loves me and he calls me when he needs advice and support. In fact, we talk at least once a day. All the while I have been dishonest with him and with myself hoping he would wake up one day, stop his searching for a perfect partner, and see that all along it was me. Well, he did find his perfect partner and it’s SO not me. It was a harsh wake up call and I knew I had to see – and accept – the way it really is: he is not and never will be interested in me romantically. Funny thing is he can still love me the way HE wants (as friends/family) not the way I want and it might turn out OK. It turns out the love I wanted from him has been there all the time but not the way I thought it SHOULD look.. Now everything looks exactly the same as it did before in terms of talking on the phone everyday, but I don’t pretend the future holds anything for us other than what it is. Still, I found out the letting go is a process rather than an epiphany and this mail from you Marc and Angel really helps.
Smile says
I’m not in a position to ‘float’ just yet, as tempting as it sounds, but my current situation has forced me to realise how little I have to actually let go of. I have an elderly parent who is beginning to struggle with age-related dementia and so we are trying to get our heads around the practicalities of making the right choices for her and implementing them. Whichever choice she makes I am ok with, as long as she isn’t making it in what she perceives to be my best interests over hers (we have some honest and frank talking to do!). Having thought through the possibility of becoming her carer, I took an honest look at my current circumstances and realised that much of what I’d be ‘giving up’, doesn’t really exist and that, while my possible life as a carer would be tough; emotionally, physically and financially, it could be so much richer in other ways by comparison. If my mum decides that she wants to move into a home rather than having me as her carer, I clearly have to address those ‘non-existent’ aspects of my life here and work on enriching it to the degree that my alternate life as a carer would have offered!
Btw, Happy Birthday, J.J.! I turned ’50’ four years ago, spent my 49th year absolutely dreading it and then spent a further three years after, coming to terms with it! Best advice I think I can offer you is at no point in your life is it likely to be or would have been what you expected it to be so, tell those annoying misconceptions to take a hike and give yourself the break you deserve! You have wisdom and experience and everything that you’ve accomplished IN SPITE OF your circumstances is what is worth celebrating today. 50 isn’t a milestone and certainly not a tombstone. It is, like every second of every day, a starting point. Enjoy!
M says
I just can’t seem to let go of my marriage. I’m going through an unwanted and I believe unnecessary divorce. 1 1/2 years into the process and I’m no closer to the end than I was when this started I’ve been punched in the face multiple times in front of my children, learned of her affairs, made homeless, see my children on weekends and she screams at me about how I’ve made her life miserable. She doesn’t work, has taken multiple vacations, gets all of her bills paid, and is going to college. I can’t make sense of any of this. Things are better now, I’ve made a new home for me and my children, see them week on and week off routine, but the loneliness and sense of despair is still there.
Nicole says
Reading your post was heartbreaking! Though you are still in your struggle of trying to figure all this out and the pain involved, I see your selflessness to find a space and peace for your children. When you are able to embrace the beauty of this gift you have given them, then you will see and feel your inner strength and realize how courageous you are. You will be able to see that you don’t need that abusive relationship in your life AND you’ll see that you’re a great role model for your children. May the journey to these discoveries come sooner than you could have ever hoped.
M says
I know what to do. I just don’t know how. When you know someone, and in an instant you don’t. It is hard.
Donna says
I often find good things in your posts. This one has really hit me deeply this morning. I totally agree that most of our troubles in life and relationships is due to holding on to expectations that may or may not be realistic. We hold others to expectations, we hold ourselves to expectations. Life is not controllable to that degree. I will be happier and more importantly, more peaceful when I am able to take things as they are, not how I think they SHOULD be.
Thank you both for bringing this into the light.
Liz says
Hey! I am just sixteen year old and I feel captivated and shackled by the academic expectations that my teachers and the society holds of me and also by the image they hold of me. On the inside, I am lively, vibrant, colorful and artistic but when that version comes out, it freaks other people out- ultimately stressing me. How do I let go of this?
Anuj says
I just wish this article had been written last year. I read through so many articles in your site when I was struggling badly on letting go. These are the exact words and messages I had been looking for. Though the mind gets freed, It’s tough to let go when you really want somethings to happen in life.
LJ says
I really needed this today….thank you. My oldest daughter eloped yesterday while on vacation and I found out on facebook. I thought we were closer than that. I don’t care they eloped…..but to be in the same category as her FB friends? I’m really disappointed ..I will read this article over and over till I feel better 🙂
Michelle S says
It’s been a while since I have posted anything here, but I still read the e-mails. I can forgive myself for my mistakes, but how do we walk through/past other mean people who can’t seem to allow a person to move forward? I have to deal with mean people every day, and it wears me out.
Therese says
I am a young widow. No family and no children. Desperately trying to hold on to a relationship that isn’t healthy for me and will never be what I keep thinking if I just hold on long enough, will turn out to be. Who am I kidding, no one but me. I think God just sent me a message…
Carol says
I, like Smile above, am dealing with my elderly mother and developmentally disabled brother, whom I am to take care of when my mother passes. I was all ready to make plans for their future…moving them to the state I live in and set up a living and caring arrangements etc before it is too late to get things taken care of. When I proposed this to my mother I was slammed very rudely for my efforts….which was very painful. I realized that my expectations were not in line with her’s and I was angry , hurt and yet relieved. I have tried helping her over the years and gave too much of myself…. to my detriment. My deceased father was an alcoholic and I was the eldest..which made me responsible for a lot during my childhood. I am now letting go of it all the pain, pressure and guilt and am finding peace. I will let her handle it the way she wants, but not be used and abused any longer. I am striving to find love for her and let go of past hurts and disappointments. She made the choice and I am allowing myself to be free. Alanon taught me how to “let go and let God” and that I can only change myself. I am not giving my life away to others any longer.
Annell Livingston says
Letting go, is certainly one of the hardest lessons I have found in life. And the Universe doesn’t care if you get it or not, you can take a minute, or a lifetime, either way, the lesson comes back again, and the Universe says, “Let’s see if you really got it or not?” It seems we always get another chance to learn it again, if we don’t get it the first, or second….or thousandth time. I think I got it, and there it is again, and….maybe I didn’t get it as well as I thought. I begin again…..I just told a friend, the funny thing is when we open our hands, there is nothing there…what are we holding on so tight for?
Sindy says
Thank you Marc.
Not sure if you got to my last post as yet but I recently apologized to someone I made some nasty remarks to a few years ago and their condescending attitude toward me felt just like old times as I was accused of holding onto something for too long.
I do wish that I could confront this person about their continuing to hold it against me very recently but to be honest it really wasn’t about them. As I am now trying to face my demons and return to my old self, I read your post on toxic behaviors and recognized some in myself because let’s face it none of us are perfect. And even though I know that that person was unconcerned I know of at least one person who would have appreciated it as he had been trying to get me to do so for some time in his efforts toward my development. I do realize now that instead of fighting so hard to try to prove that the persons he is listening to don’t necessarily have my best interests at heart I should probably try to show him by my actions that I am not a bad person.
I am also often accused of holding on to past relationships or fantasies of what I feel my life should be but I know for myself that my relationship status is currently exactly how I prefer it. After my divorce 5 years ago I immediately jumped into a relationship with a close friend. As you can guess, it ended in disaster. I then had one or two casual relationships which only taught me that they are not for me. So I spent the past few years trying to build up my confidence so I don’t end up where I started and learning how to be alone and I think I did. I am about to go on vacation by myself and can’t wait. Most people don’t understand my need for solitude and blame it on avoidance or pining away for someone I can’t have but that’s ok..my journey is my own. I do have someone unattainable that I greatly admire (personally and prifessionally) but have no expectations of it being reciprocated, so I don’t see anything unhealthy about that.
I do crave love and sex but have no interest in being used so I wait…but in the meanwhile I focus on finding a way to feel complete. I will find it and it won’t be perfect. No relationship ever is but it hopefully it will help rather than hurt in my journey to happiness.
Angie says
I’m trying so hard to let go of my current situation. I am originally from the northeast and my parents and I moved down to Florida 21 years ago…I was only 19 at the time. Most of my family still resides up north. 3 months ago, my parents decided they want to move back up north and they are leaving next month. I am completely devastated and heartbroken because I am very close to my parents. I am single and don’t have kids so I am feeling extra lonely right now. Plus, I won’t have any family down here and only friends to rely on…but they have their own lives/families. It just pains me knowing that I will only see my parents a few times a year instead of every week like I do now. I’ve never lived far from them my entire life and frankly I don’t want to. I own a small business and can’t just follow them. I also absolutely love Florida and don’t miss the snow and cold weather. I just feel so torn and my emotions are all over the place. I hope that over time I will be able to let go and focus on myself. Thank you so much for this article. You are both truly inspiring.
Nicole says
Thank you, Marc and Angel! I find myself seeking your pearls of wisdom over the past few months as I googled about letting go and came across many of your posts. Now this invaluable one. I forward them to friends who I know also struggle with letting go. It’s amazing how challenging it is for some of us to reconcile our expectations with reality.
With the love and support of my fabulous husband and friends, I left a toxic job 3 years ago, which I was allowing to have a terrible impact on my health and outlook. I’ve struggled over the years with feeling like I don’t know my place in the world anymore on a professional level, which I realize is so connected to who I am and how I define myself. I TRY to look at who and what I have in my life and be thankful. I must admit that I do get down a lot and feel inconsequential as others around me are so busy. Your posts help me to regroup and realize where I am, where I’ve been, and though I don’t know where I’ll end up, that that’s ok. There are worse things in the world. People have horrible struggles and don’t have the luxury I do to find my way with support.
I thank you for your insights and love to want to share and help others. AND I thank the other writers as I’m inspired by their stories and desires to find a better place for themselves, too. You’ve created a healthy space for people to share, nurture one another, and heal.
Stan says
The lesson of letting go is something I believe cannot be repeated too often. Not letting go was something I was guilty of doing practically all of my life. I felt my stress was the fault of others. In a way, I guess some of it was, but it was also my fault for clinging to it. I finally realized I needed to let go (from reading this column, the bible, and various other self help sources). I had been conditioned for all of my life to hang on to past hurt. It was incredibly hard, and it took me many attempts before I finally got it down. Even now, the past hurts will find a way into my mind, but I am much improved on dismissing them in a short time. I hope someday letting go will become so automatic that I don’t even have to make a conscious effort to do it.
Right now I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. What a difference the change in MY attitude to let go has made.
I think this is the most powerful lesson I have learned from reading your blog. I can’t thank you enough for this.
Latrice Estell says
Your blog entries always inspire me to write and share about my own life victories and trials. I absolutely love this entire article! I’ve lived it for the past 5 years and can attest to its legitimacy. My main hurdle would be #8 which is normal human behavior. Its a daily practice as you stated to allow yourself to embrace happiness, live in and accept the present reality. I truly appreciate writing that makes my heart burst with excitement in anticipation for positive results! Please be sure to continue your work especially your writing. I’m praying God’s grace cover your hearts and minds as you continue to encourage healthy living mentally!
Barb says
I have been holding on to an unhealthy relationship for a year and a half, hoping he will change and stop drinking. As a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 8+years I “should” know better than to think I have any control over anything or anyone other than myself so why do I hang-on?
The logical side of my brain knows that holding on is not allowing him to experience what may be necessary for him to make the change himself – for me I had to come to a place where I wanted a better life more than I wanted to drink. I believe I am enabling him to not hit his bottom.
I have ended the relationship many times and keep gong back. The last time I left I told him that if he didn’t get help I wasn’t coming back and he told me he would try it on his own and if that didn’t work he would get help. Well, I know he is still drinking when I’m not around and I am so afraid to confront him because then I have to follow through and walk away. Why can’t I just walk away because I care enough about myself to not live like this??
In every other area in my life I am successful – I have a great job, I own my home, I have an amazing family etc…
In this relationship I am constantly feeling chaotic and overwhelmed…What is wrong with me?
You are probably thinking OMG this woman is crazy, and I wouldn’t blame you because I think I am too at times.
If you have any guidance or a way to help me to just let go I would be eternally grateful.
takafromtokyo says
Hi, Marc and Angel. I’ve been reading your posts for I guess about two months now, and every one of them is so true. I’m truly grateful for all the time and effort you put in your works. I’m so happy that I was able to discover you from among numerous other websites.
( Sorry if my English doesn’t make sense. I’m from Japan; I’m still working on to improve my English skills. )
Megan Hoffer says
I read all of the emails I get from you. They all speak to me in some way. This one in particular spoke to me the loudest. The picture of frantically trying to grab the edge of the pool that isn’t there made the idea of letting go really click. I’m a visual person so now I’ll be able to be more mindful with that image to refer to. Thank you. And thank you for encouraging me to take the steps I need to take one-by-one to start down a new path in life and let go of the picture I had in my head of what I was “supposed” to be doing professionally at this point in my life. I have so many more steps to take down my path but I am loving the view along the way. I hope the road never ends. If you like photography, check out my FB page (linked to my name). I don’t have a website yet, but I’ll get there. For right now, I’ll just keep learning and moving forward. Have a wonderful day! – Megan
Marguerite says
You all are gradually changing my life.