The most practical changes happen when we choose to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control of what we don’t.
Holding on can be painful. Holding on can directly contribute to stress, unhappiness, relationship problems, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…
We don’t like change, so we resist it.
We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.
Over the past decade, as Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when our imagination doesn’t represent reality.
So how can we stop holding on?
By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.
I challenge you to ask yourself right now:
- What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
- How is holding on like this affecting your life?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.
Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.
Think about how that decision could change your life.
For Marc and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip on things we can’t control:
1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the best of things.
A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it.
2. When we let go, we get to use our resources more effectively.
Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control), and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily habits.
3. When we let go, we free our minds from needless worries.
When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand, and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.
4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.
When you hold on to how things “should” be, and attempt to control the uncontrollable, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.
It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.
6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.
How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!
7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.
If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.
8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.
Ask yourself: is it possible that all the “bad” or “fooish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a terrible mistake! But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”
9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.
Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.
10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).
To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
An Exercise for Breathing & Letting Go…
If you resonate with everything you’ve just read, and you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this quick two-step closing exercise is for YOU:
- As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
- Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice. (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)
Now, it’s your turn…
At the very least, I hope this essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. It surely takes practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge that could possibly come your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
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Michelle Salas says
Thank you once again, M&A. I love when your wisdom arrives in my inbox right on time!
These thoughts on letting go have been well received at my end. I have come to understand and accept that letting go doesn’t come as naturally to me as I would hope. I tend to hold on tight to almost everything, as you’ve said. This is especially true in my relationships. For example, while letting go makes sense, my emotional heart still strives to hold on and create an idea of who my husband is and what our relationship could be, despite the fact that my fantasies aren’t real. But even just reading these words reminds me that others too are struggling with this same issue in various ways, and that makes me feel less alone and gives me hope that I too can adjust my mindset and make better sense of things.
Lena Walker says
You go, girl! Glad to see that you are making this transition. I did so around 28 years and never looked back (I’m in my sixth decade now!)
Kudos to you, Michelle!
AJ says
I’m with you on this one Michelle!
I too have an ‘idea’ or expectation of who my husband is and what our relationship could be, or rather, what I’d like it to be… And whilst that’s not the reality, I realise that it stops me seeing and recognising all the real and evident good qualities my husband and our relationship does have.
It might not be what I expected or hoped it’d be but the reality is, that he is a really nice, descent, kind, big-hearted and lovely man. He might have his issues or ‘shortcomings’ as do I…
I’m realising over and over again, that the grass is greener where you water it.
If he was a nasty or abusive person, I’d have left him, but he is just human and his own person, thankfully a good one! I need to keep seeing the good in him and focus on that, rather than the bits that are not how I imagined them to be.
Sigh! It’s not easy but I’m going to keep at it! ??
Wes says
Love this post, Angel. Thank you! Lot’s of food for thought.
I’ve been holding on to a career choice I made 11 years ago when I was only 20, and I’m finally building up the courage to let it go and rebuild my career in a field that deeply resonates with who I am today.
J.J. says
Marc and Angel, I’m truly enjoying your the writings and teachings in your two 1,000 Little Things books and your emails. And this says a lot about the quality of your work, because I’m a cynic about self-help advice and don’t causally buy into it. But I really appreciate your insights.
As it relates to your questions above, I have lots to let go of.
As my 50th b-day approaches tomorrow, I’m struggling with the gap between what I expected my life to look like at 50 vs. the way my life really is today. The two are not even close. It’s difficult to accept that I have not done what I set out to do to the best of my ability, largely because of an uncontrollable circumstance that debilitated my health. But it was healing to read your thoughts on this. As I journal about them and ritualize them (part of a helpful strategy I picked up from your GBTH course) and try to apply them to my life circumstances, I know your words will gradually help me reframe what my life is, and design a wiser vision for my present and future.
Janá says
I desperately needed this. Everything you wrote about is so relevant. Answering your two opening questions:
I feel that I desperately try to hold onto all aspects of control in my life. Whether it’s finances, purchasing groceries, work, any kind of hurt or stress my kids might feel – everything. But why?
It’s affecting emotionally. I am always feeling stressed out and can’t take a deep breath. I never feel relaxed and always feel on edge. It’s wearing me down. I can see that affects my marriage and some days, my kids.
I am manifesting now to let it go.
Rena says
I needed this today and tomorrow. I am finally get out of an abusive marriage where I tried desperately to fix and rescue someone that doesn’t want to be fixed or rescued. I am letting go of all the what is and how comes. I feel so much better letting go of the false beliefs and lies that I was told. I am letting go of trying to make others happy. I am letting go and it feels so freeing. Thank you.
Robin says
This article came at the perfect time for me. I have been holding on to a failed relationship for a very long time and as a result, I have made myself miserable. My ex has been so patient and kind. But I inflict upon him my feelings about our relationship and at times I act like we are still a couple and how his behavior affects me. We had a long relationship and I was not happy with the way he handled the breakup because he never talked to me honestly about how unhappy he was or why he wanted to break up. He just walked away. I know that it should have been enough that he wanted out, but I needed to know why. I know it really doesn’t matter because his mind was made up. He was insensitive to how I felt for a long time after the breakup, but wanted to stay friends. This makes it difficult to let go. I know that putting distance between us is the best thing to do, so I am determined to do just that for my own sanity. It’s hard and lonely and I miss him every day. In time, I know it will get easier. I just have to take it one day at a time.
Thank you for your good advice and encouragement.
Emily Barnett says
Amen. I realized I was taking the here and the now for granted by being uber-focused on future plans that I just couldn’t materialize no matter how hard I tried. Humbled. Saved. Your thoughts are exactly what I need to be hearing in this chapter of my life that isn’t yet finished. I love that your real advice is so very applicable as some days are harder than others to keep my faith. My life really SHOULD NOT BE THIS MESSY-but I love myself and the people in it anyway.
TUHINA KAPOOR says
Beautifully articulated ! God Bless You.
I needed this …. divinely timed !
Vuyo says
I always screenshot your quotes that resonate with my current journey of Self-Awareness, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Care & Self-Love. Thank you so much for posting this it means a lot to me 🙂
Heather says
The initial exercise helped immensely — stopping and taking the time to really allow myself to ask and reflect, “What am I holding onto?”
Realizing that I didn’t get to say goodbye and thank my mom the way I really wanted to before she died. This is a tough one. Your emails are so incredible. If you provide one specific to this, I hope I read it.
The floating and breathing exercises are critical exercises.
Thank you once again.
Trishala says
Thanks M&A. Much needed. I had a break-up, I couldn’t accept it. He says we don’t have a future, but I wanted to build a future with him. He loved me, he loved me a lot..but things got sour..now he doesn’t love me anymore. And I just keep wondering how can one loose feelings by being in a relationship, how can you lose feelings just over constant fights. He hurt me a lot, but I still love him and he doesn’t. This hurts a lot, I want him to become the old person I fell in love with, I tried convincing him again and again to give this relationship another chance. But now its time to let go..the harder I try the more I push him. I have to let go now, I just hope I do. Bcz I shouldn’t be the one fighting for this relationship,if he can’t fight for this, it’s very obvious he doesn’t love me anymore. I hope I find the courage to move on and let go…
Stan says
I’m trying to learn that life is an ongoing process of letting things go. I’m getting better at letting go of negative things from my past that I’ve either done to myself or others have done to me. Yesterday I found some old pictures of loved ones who have passed away. while looking at them I realized I’m going to have to learn how to deal with old memories as well. Even many years after their passing I miss them so much. In everyday life I have moved on, but seeing the pictures made me grieve all over again.
Julia Kellett says
Thank you for this essay.
The paragraph about embracing life’s changes and trusting our own instincts resonates today.
I have this week come to realise that I may well have to end a long term relationship, a marriage in fact.
For as long as I can remember I’ve hidden deep down my feelings of loneliness and questions about whether I am truly with the right person.
The day to day of living keeps me from truly addressing the problems, it’s like being on a roundabout that just repeats and repeats. I stop, try to address issues with the relationship but nothing ever really seems to change.
I am so scared to change things because I know the upheaval both in practical and emotional terms for myself and my family, but can I spend the next 20 years going round and round?
Judy says
Why is it so hard to let go? I feel so frustrated and angry with myself for keeping hoping that my brother will stop finding a problem with every solution I come up with regarding our elderly mother’s care. I keep putting myself out there, hoping he will get on the same page. He’s not! He continues to condescend, find fault and push my buttons.
This is affecting every other relationship in my life. I’ve got to let go. My whole life I’ve been instilled with blood is thicker than water, and never turn your back on family… even when a family member is a narcissist, harrassing, controlling and unreasonable??? maybe I need to let it go