When life has to be a certain way in order to be good enough for us, we close ourselves off from all the real and present opportunities available.
On the contrary, when we let go of the way it “should” be, we free our minds to deal with life’s unexpected changes, challenges and chaos in the most effective way possible…
We create space for acceptance, learning and growth.
We learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.
We see the world through an unbiased set of eyes.
And gradually, we allow ourselves to step forward with a clear and focused mind.
With that said, I don’t always let go when I need to. I don’t always have a clear and focused mind. Because I’m only human, and human beings have the tendency to hold on too tight. Sometimes life slaps us really hard and we attach ourselves to the pain, even when we know better.
When I’m holding on too tight, I can really feel it in my gut. I feel anxious, frustrated, irritated, and upset. There’s an aching for things to be different than they are – a feeling of rejection and betrayal and hopelessness.
I’m sure you can relate. We’re all struggling through this one together, in our own unique way. And the vast majority of our torment is the result of being caught up in whatever story we’re telling ourselves about how life “should” be.
So for starters, here’s what I try to keep in mind…
Mantras for Letting Go of How it “Should” Be
- Life is change. You must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
- Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to gradually master you. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it.
- Daily effort is never wasted, even when it leads to discouraging results. For it always makes you stronger, more experienced, and more educated in the long run.
- If you want to be effective and bright, let go of your need to always be right.
- When you hear only what you want to hear, you’re not really listening. Listen to what you don’t want to hear too. That’s how you grow. (Read Loving What Is.)
- Be humble. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a new perspective, a new step, a new possibility… a new beginning.
First Steps for Coping with Unfavorable Outcomes
Reflecting on the mantras above can be incredibly grounding when life doesn’t go as planned. But what can you do if the immediate tension inside you is spiraling out of control?
Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I actively take (and cover with our course students and live event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from unfavorable outcomes in our lives:
- Acknowledge the tension inside you. – If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
- Resist the urge to act in haste. – The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger – actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
- Sit with your feelings, and give them space. – Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective – give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
- Be OK with not knowing. – Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?
The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaotic tension.
It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there, however, you are in for a great surprise – it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of changing your mind and rising above the turmoil. (Angel and I work through this with our students in the self-paced Getting Back to Happy course and at the annual Think Better, Live Better conference.)
Your turn…
We would love to hear from YOU.
So let us know:
- In what way are you holding on tightly to how life “should” be?
- How is it affecting you?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, our next annual Think Better, Live Better conference is taking place February 18-19, 2017. You can get info and tickets here (discounted early bird tickets are now available, while they last). Note: you can watch short clips from our 2016 event here and here.
Bonnie says
Marc and Angel, this post is spot on for a time when it seems like half the world’s population is at odds with the way things are. In my personal life, I’m getting better with accepting life and making the best of it. Through your teachings and the teachings of other experts, I’ve learned how to better harness my presence. And being present has been the key to much of my recent breakthroughs. It’s seems overly simple when I say it, but practicing presence has been a true challenge, especially when life doesn’t turn out in my favor.
Before I attended one of your live events early this year, my thoughts and anxiety about life really got in my way of making effective decisions. I was reacting to everything, instead of responding mindfully. I appreciate the guidance you’ve given me and continue to share online via your emails and blog.
Margaret says
I agree with your comments. I can tend to hold onto thinks and rethink them over and over again.
I am doing Marc and Angel’s online course as I live in another country. I think I am getting better at not holding on, my thoughts now are that something good will come of this and it is teaching me that there new opportunities on the horizon, quite exciting.
Angel Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Bonnie. I’m happy to hear our live events and coaching has made a difference in your life. Thank you for the continued support of our work.
Vincent says
This post says just enough without saying too much. I appreciate that.
I’ve been enrolled in your course for the past several weeks, and I’m so glad I’ve committed myself to focusing inward and rising above the negativity that surrounds me on most days. Of course, I still struggle with feeling like life is not fair, but I’m beginning to see how that reality does not have to dominate my ability to be my best. Your instruction has allowed me to set up positive daily rituals that elevate my mindset above much of the unfairness that used to distract me from making progress.
Anyhow, as I continue to push forward, I will use this post and its mantras as a reference.
Angel Chernoff says
You’re making incredible progress, Vincent! Keep taking it one day at a time–small steps.
Glad this post resonated with you.
jamie says
Like others have mentioned already, I’ve been holding on to the unfair and unjust outcomes in my life and allowed them to impede my growth and potential. Reality is harsh sometimes, but how I cope is up to me. It’s time for me to do a little less moping and a little more letting go…and moving onward.
Thank you for putting these reminders in my email inbox right when I needed to read them.
Ellen says
I have trouble turning off my thinking. I have an opinion about Everything! I let everything in. An unexamined life is not worth living. This is what gets me stuck every time. Too much obsessing and thinking about the way things are. How to turn it off. How to “Not believe everything I think!”
Thank you for your email newsletters. They always strike a chord with me.
Bernel says
Oh Lord Ellen I am right there with you! How to turn off my brain!
Becky says
Oh me too! 20 years of stinkin thinkin & depression makes me angry at just about anyone! I know better but can’t seem to not listen to the negative thoughts! Trying to stay calm & remain in the moment.
Kathy says
In a 20 year marriage with an alcoholic. Everyday I wake up thinking about how my life should be. Perhaps if I came to accept this is the way it is going to be i would find the clarity I need to remove myself and my daughter from this situation.
Dolores says
When I become aware of certain things that happen in the world—not just things that happen directly to me—I feel threatened and vulnerable. Practicing various techniques of centering, meditation, self-talk, etc., can be helpful in calming one’s immediate state of mind, but they have no effect on world events or conditions. Beyond calming myself with those kinds of techniques, it helps me much more to remember that I am one day closer to Heaven than I was yesterday, and that I have a choice to believe that God is real and I can trust him to take care of me. I keep a list of events in my life that prove his care for me, and reviewing my list makes me feel calm and grateful even though I live in a savage and insane world.
Izza says
I am struggling to move on from someone who keeps lying to me … Even I know it’s right to let go but every time I tried to move forward, I kept looking back and hoping that it never ended this way… When I read Ur blog… It helping me realize to move and look forward… Until now I am still trying.
Betsy says
Life as unfolding…I picture myself with the choice of tightly holding on to the napkin wrapped silverware, keeping it tightly and securely wound as I cling to it gripped in my hands held close to me. Or of placing the same tightly wrapped napkin down on the table and gently and calmly unfolding each side of the napkin and finding the sparkling silverware, the useful tools to be used for eating a delicious meal. The choice is mine. To either fear letting go, to resist ongoing change that brings newness and awareness and opening up – or to cling to a past which is gone and no longer exist, to try to hold on to the impossible, causing myself pain. The choice is mine, I choose to let go, unfold and receive, be nourished, to live in the present. Life unfolds daily, to be lived as each moment unfolds.
Terry says
Love your analogy of the wrapped napkin! I could feel myself letting go to see the shining useful tool on the inside! 🙂
Chuck says
As always, great timing….after a very successful career (to date), an unexpected curve ball came at me, and I made the decision I believe that was best and moved on…after a few months of uncertainty, a new opportunity presented itself, however in a way that was outside my ‘normal’ (additional uncertainty)…with new daily habits, including daily inspirational reading (thanks in large part to you both), I have decided to embrace the opportunity, and take on the new challenge…I jumped in – and the rest now is up to me!
Mala says
Even I have been holding on to all the toxic negative thoughts within and allowing them to eat me from inside , and be petrified 24 by 7 and deny myself the pleasures of life….but ever since I have enrolled fir
Your mails, believe me ….. Life seems
So so promising all over again
Sue O says
With the coming holidays, I found myself clinging to how my family used to celebrate, with all the traditions and expectations. There is so much pressure to look like and do what the people in magazines, television and movies do. Of course, those are not real, but I find so many friends are feeling the same way.
This year I decided it was time to make some changes to my attitude and to let go of how things are supposed to be.
Your post helped me make a decision- very freeing!
For our Thanksgiving, we are meeting at a restaurant the weekend before that holiday, to relax and share with each other. So mush less pressure and guilt over having other commitments for the actual Thanksgiving day.
Thanks for the spot on, timely message.
SEP says
Surely being a witness does not take so much effort that one needs zzz’s all day, especially mornings. Do you have any tips for breaking this (seems to me) habit?
Clem says
Best advice ever.
denise says
This is also for me, I have been struggling with something I don’t have no control over. I am trying day by day just to learn to let go of things I have no control over and just live life the way I want to.
lisa says
Just when I think I’ve got this and start to feel better about my immediate crisis, your teachings tell me I have been holding on to my past and not at all accepting the change i am faced with. I thought that my tears were evidence that I am embracing this change and acknowledging facts. Thanks to you and Angel, I now have these mantras to help me through my emotions and let go of what no longer exist in my world to be present and listen for what I need to change in order to move on and get thru the pain.
Thank you for your insightful messages you post. I can apply all this information to my life everyday.
Catherine says
You always inspire me. I am struggling with my self image right now as I process a job change that was forced on me. I realize that I need to sit with my anger and self-doubt and work through those emotions without judging myself for having them. And to thrive, I have to let go and do my best with the new job.
Lizabeth says
Spot on , my 22yr relationship unexpectedly hit with a napalm bomb 4 wks ago. It’s hard work. Appreciate your posts, to help keep me moving toward a healthier place, and being ok with not knowing what that’s going to look like.
Christina says
I love your post . . . they always hit me at a time when I need to read them most. Thank you for always sharing such helpful & great advise !!!
Sue says
I have to reiterate what Christina said. I love receiving your posts, all of them! They’re always so inspiring, meaningful and strangely relevant to my needs at that moment. They also help me to help others too, which is a great additional gift. Thank you so much for sharing such pertinent words of wisdom.
Betty says
I am going through the worst tragedy of my life. My baby daughter is very sick. She is 8 months tomorrow and has never been out of the hospital. She was getting better, then diagnosed with ANOTHER terrible illness. This is after last year when I lost my job suddenly, was in financial dire straits, then my mom died of cancer. I was trying to get my feet back on the ground when I got pregnant very unexpectedly. I love my therapist (she sees me pro-bono right now because our finances are so tight), but I honestly don’t think she even knows what to say to me anymore. I feel so desperate. I try to stay positive, I do have a lot to be grateful for, but then I think of my baby and all she is going through and what her future may hold and I am just devastated over and over again. I’ve been through so much earlier in my life. I worked pretty hard to deal with a lot of chaos and I felt very successful. Then my life just bottomed out and there is no end in sight. I am trying to let go of my old life and get comfortable with the complete uncertainty, but it is really difficult for me. I’m a planner. I was the main breadwinner by far. I used to motivate and inspire others in my work in healthcare. Now I just feel like my life is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I’m so sorry to vent. I guess I’m just looking for the magic bullet that doesn’t exist. I do love you guys. I think you’re writing is really good. Thanks for what you do.
Nanette says
Betty, I don’t have words of wisdom, and I’m not there with you to offer practical help, but I do have a heart full of love for you. If I were with you, I would let you rest your head on my shoulder and put my arm around you, and I would sit and breathe with you as long as you need to to begin to know and trust that you are not alone in this overwhelmingly difficult time in your life. I would hold your hand as you regather your strength to live the goodness that is also part of your life during this time of suffering and uncertainty. That goodness is what made you a breadwinner, and an inspiration and encourager for others, it’s not gone, it’s just going to be manifested differently now. The goodness is also the goodness of people around you who will help you through all the uncertainty. Some will be strangers, and some will be people who are already part of your life, but there will always be someone there to be with you in this. I will be with you in spirit, you will be on my heart every day for the rest of my life, even though we will probably never meet in person. You can always rest your head on my shoulder and know that you have a place to go to renew your strength and hope.
With a huge hug,
Nanette
Evans Agbenyegah says
Your articles are always very interesting, and this one especially is very good. I like the point that says: “Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens.” I like it particularly because of the truism it espouses and the fact that it has been taken from your book ‘1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently.’
sue b says
This post was just what i needed today , i live 5000 miles from my family who are all grown adults , my sons marriage has broken up after 16 years and he is devastated, we were talking about it but he has just cut me out of his life saying its a lot of my fault as he has seen a Councillor and she suggested his childhood experiences could ruin future relationships now hes grown,, we struggled a lot when my children were young, now i have no way of contacting him and need to let go for a while as im anxious and worried and wondering what i did wrong, so this post has helped today and i will try and sit back and witness emotions and try and let them go for a while, thank you both
Sami says
You guys are truly amazing! Whenever I’m having a bad day or life is getting the best of me I come to your site and your latest post is always just what I need to read! You have amazing advice and have helped me tremendously over the last few years! Just want to finally say thank you!! Keep up your fantastic work! 🙂
Connie says
This message was just what I needed today!
Thank you
Connie
Yvette Chilcott says
Well, I found this post today, just before I hit bottom. Thanks for helping me to refocus.
Artemis says
Hello, I so love your article and all the guidance and support it offers,thank you.
I’d like to share my story about my life. I left a marriage (about 4 years ago) of nearly 30 years and I am doing it alone. My friends chose to no longer keep in contact and my family told me it was my problem. I am still living in the family home which I find extremely hard because I just want things to end so I can live my own life.
The situation is because I had been a carer at home for 10 years I need to find a job to support myself, file for divorce so I can move out. Since separating I have gone back to updating my work skills to be able to find work. But having this 10 year gap and being in my mid 50’s has made it harder.
Every day I feel the heartache of living under these circumstances, what has happened to my life and trying to get it back. Even more so because I am doing it alone.
Everyday I keep wishing and praying for things to happen quicker, and I know this is a form of holding onto the “wanting” of change so badly. But I am trying to learn and be patient and accept what is. Understanding things will happen as they are meant to.
But living like this makes me feel unhappy because I want to live and own my own life. I have learned to breathe and be in the moment when I feel this pain and try to bring as much joy into my life as possible. I am trying to let go of holding onto this “wanting” because I am aware it is causing me more pain and struggle.
I have grown a lot as a person and every day read a lot of self help books/webs to help me cope,keep strong and faith that things will eventually change. Thank you.
L.C. @ A Life of Authenticity says
Marc and Angel,
I so agree with this post! Actually a friend and I used to remind each other to take the word “should” out of our vocabulary when making reference to how someone “should” have responded to a certain situation. You are absolutely right, it is freeing when you stop living in that head space where we think we know what “should” happen or how someone “should”. Thanks you.