If you want life to be happier, you must adjust your attitude. It’s how you deal with stress that determines how well you achieve happiness.
This morning a seasoned psychology professor walked up on stage to teach one final lesson – a stress management principle – to an auditorium filled with students who were about to graduate from college. As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple ounces to a couple pounds.
After a moment of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As the class shook their heads in agreement, she continued, “Your worries, frustrations, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Let this professor’s words be your wake-up call.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the glass down.
The key is to realize that the worries, frustrations, and stressful thoughts you’re dealing with are entirely a product of your own creation. And you can let them go almost instantly by adjusting your attitude. Today, I challenge you to do just that – to replace your negative thoughts with positive alternatives. Take a look at the quotes below that I’ve carefully selected from our blog’s archive. Pick one (or more) of them that relates to your present circumstances, and use it as a mantra by repeating it to yourself the moment you feel negativity creeping up inside you.
- Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Be mindful.
- Happiness doesn’t start with a better relationship, a better degree, a better job, or more money. It starts with your thinking and what you tell yourself today.
- You may not be able control all the things that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
- When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself. And doing so, in turn, changes everything.
- You alone get to choose what matters and what does not. The meaning of everything in your life has precisely the meaning you give it.
- Use your struggles and frustrations today to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
- Worrying never changes the outcome. Breathe more and worry less. Train your mind to see the lesson in every situation, and then make the best of it.
- Be selective in your battles. Peace always feels better than being right. You simply don’t need to attend every conflict you’re invited to.
- Even when you are upset, don’t be hateful – keep your heart and mind wide open. Peace is not the absence of pain, but the presence of love.
- Just wish people well, even if they’re rude to you. Embracing their negative energy only harms you at the end of the day. Smile and move forward.
- Happiness and a negative mindset can’t co-exist. Those who move forward with a positive attitude will find that things always work out better.
- Truth be told, we either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. In the end, the amount of work is the same.
- When you really pay attention, everyone and everything is your teacher. Take time to observe and listen. Take time to learn something new.
- We learn the way on the way. Let go of everything from the past that does not serve you, and just be grateful it brought you to where you are now – to this new beginning.
- Think of all the hundreds of thousands of steps and missteps and chances and coincidences that have brought you here. In a way it feels like the biggest miracle in the world, doesn’t it?
- The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you accept that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
- Letting go isn’t about having the ability to forget the past; it’s about having the wisdom and strength to embrace the present.
- Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation that no longer fits, or no longer exists.
- Sometimes you simply have to stop fretting, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.
- Head up, heart open. To better days approaching!
The Most Practical Side of These Mantras: Healthy Coping
Above all, the mantras in this post collectively serve as a healthy coping mechanism for life’s inevitable disappointments. And understanding how to cope in a healthy way is an invaluable skill.
How you cope can easily be the difference between living a good life and living a sick one. If you choose unhealthy coping mechanisms like avoidance or denial, for example, you can quickly turn a tough situation into a tragic one. And sadly, this is a common mistake many people make.
When you find yourself facing a disheartening reality, your first reaction might be to deny the situation, or to avoid dealing with it altogether. But by doing so you’re inadvertently holding on even tighter to the pain that you wish to let go of – you’re, in effect, sealing it up inside you.
Let’s imagine someone close to you has grown ill, and supporting this person through his or her illness is incredibly painful. You might not want to deal with the pain, so you cope by avoiding it, by finding ways to numb yourself with alcohol and unhealthy eating. And consequently, you grow physically ill too while the pain continues to fester inside you.
Obviously, that’s not good.
If you notice yourself doing something similar, it’s time to pause, admit to yourself that you’re coping by avoiding, and then shift your focus to a healthier coping mechanism, like using the mantras in this post to help you open your mind.
When you face struggles with an attitude of openness – open to the painful feelings and emotions you have – you find out that it’s not comfortable, but you can still be fine and you can still step forward. Openness means you don’t instantly decide that you know this is only a horrible experience – it means you decide that you don’t really know what the next step will be like, and you’d like to understand the whole truth of the matter. It’s a learning stance, instead of one that assumes the worst.
The General Benefits of Healthy Coping
Coping certainly isn’t an easy practice, and I’m not suggesting that it is. What I am suggesting is that it’s worth your while. With practice, healthy coping allows you to find better ways of managing life’s continuous stream of unexpected and uncontrollable circumstances. For example…
- A task is harder than you expected it to be — Instead of running from a daunting and overwhelming task, you can accept it and see what it’s like to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed, and still take action anyway. Writing a book, for example, is daunting and overwhelming, but you can still write one even with those feelings rolling through you (just like Angel and I did with 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently).
- An interaction with someone you love angers or frustrates you — Instead of lashing out at a loved one when you’re upset with them, you can sit quietly with your difficult feelings and just be open to what it’s like to feel them. And then, once you’ve had a moment to breathe, you can see what it’s like to deal compassionately with someone you love who you’re also upset with. To try to understand them instead of just judging them at their worst.
- Unhealthy cravings overwhelm you out of nowhere — You may be inclined to indulge in unhealthy cravings like alcohol and sweets for comfort when you’re feeling stressed out. But you can sit with these feelings and be open to them instead, and then gradually build positive daily rituals for coping in healthier ways – taking walks, meditating, talking with someone about your feelings, journaling, reviewing the relevant mantras provided in this post, etc. (Angel and I build life-changing, positive daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- You are forced to deal with a loved one’s death — When someone you love passes away, the grief and sense of loss can seem overwhelming. And at that point, it’s incredibly easy to give in to unhealthy, “quick-fix” ways of alleviating the pain. But you have to force yourself to do the opposite – to give yourself compassion, to sit with the powerfully difficult thoughts and feelings you have, and to open your mind to what lies ahead. Gradually it becomes evident that death isn’t just an ending, but also a beginning. Because while you have lost someone special, this ending, like all losses, is a moment of reinvention. Although sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places.
And of course, we’ve merely just scratched the surface of an endless pool of possibilities for healthy coping. The key thing to understand is that by learning to cope in healthier ways, you will find that you can better handle anything life throws your way, and come out stronger, and oftentimes even happier, than you were before.
In the end, the world is as you are inside. What you think, you see, and you ultimately become. So gather and choose your thoughts wisely…
Think how you want to live today.
Your turn…
How has adjusting your attitude affected your life and circumstances?
What else do you try to keep in mind to strengthen your mindset and cope more effectively with stress or pain?
We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Michelle says
Boom! Another powerfully written article! I’m glad I found your blog and teachings last year and signed up for your emails. I’m now using many snippets from your articles and your book as morning affirmations. Your words tend to remind me of the lessons I know but so easily forget. And each time I read them I see another aspect of meaning in what they say. The mantras you’ve listed in this article will be added into the rotation starting tomorrow.
And to answer one of your questions – what else do I try to keep in mind? I worry that I’m not good enough – it’s a constant pulse the aches in the back of my head. So I have to remind myself daily that I AM good enough. And I’m getting better at beating this negative thinking pattern, day by day.
BJ says
Thank you for giving me a new healthy coping mechanism. When my attitude about something I can’t change is driving me nuts, I do have the tendency to avoid it or bury it, sometimes with alcohol, just to forget and feel better for awhile. But this post really opened my eyes to what I’m doing.
Anyway, thank you and please keep sending these insightful posts to me via email. They are slowly changing my thinking and attitude about everything.
Katie Beans says
I’m kinda like Michelle above–it really helps to have positive reminders, which is why I have read and re-read your parts of book and many of your articles several times over the past year. Doing so has helped me stay on the right path.
Also, one of the key things I’ve been working on recently is to stop my negativity is the self-inquiry process you covering with me via your Getting Happy course. This process combined with regular reminders have been the source of my inner growth.
Anyway, I just wanted to leave a comment to say thank you. Keep up the good work. You’re changing a life over here.
Dave says
Thanks to you for finding my first step. I did not know where to begin,
But at 60 now my life has to move forward to happiness and begin a new turn. I need to take care of me. I am tired, I am worn, I am exhausted, I am unhappy and need to live each day to its fullest.
I start tomorrow.
Thank you
Vina Grey says
Recently, I experienced and I’m continuing to experience perhaps the worst conflict I have encountered in my professional life. For weeks, the situation has gone unresolved (and the resolution is really out of my control), and one day I stopped to take stock and realize that I had gained weight, was fatigued like at no other time in my life, and that my family and my relationships were suffering, as was my productivity and all other areas of my work life. I finally decided that the only thing I could control was how I respond to the situation. So I put into practice numbers three and five from above. I found that not only have I been able to achieve a modicum of peace, but that has also had a ripple affect on my team. Thank you for this great post.
Laura says
I completely agree with Michelle’s comments. Your blogs and emails resonate with me very much and I find them to be very inspirational. I like the simplicity of the mantras, it makes them all that much more meaningful. I often find that whatever topic your email addresses, it coincides with things that I am struggling with or find useful to be reminded of. So thank you for creating your blog and for sharing the knowledge that is helping me get through a very difficult time.
Jessica says
An amazing read and so many brilliant points! Thank you.
munondizwei magezi says
Thanks so much,your articles have made me a better person.I now can see using my mind.keep up the good work.the world will be a better place if a lot of people read these articles.lam even happy to share them with family and friends.
Monica says
Thank you for this timely message. I’ve been holding my glass of water too long! I need to let go of it today.
Darakhshanda says
Thank for such a life changing or attitude changing tips while I was reading I felt it is written for me .Thank you
Marylyn Bull says
I am so pleased I came across your blog etc. I must get the book but in the meantime your snippets of wisdom so keep me focused. Thank you x
Shella says
Sitting with and processing uncomfortable thoughts/emotions then moving forward instead of reaching for a glass of wine or box of cookies was very powerful words for me to read this morning. Process, keep One’s peace and move on. Thank you.
G K KUNDU says
This articles are tremendous impact of one’s life if he/she really intends to change their inner growth and help us to keep in the right path.
Charlene says
I have had a difficult past. I have been through things some awful stuff. I moved to another state so my past would stop haunting me. While I was gone I felt like I could finally live in peace. Unfortunately I went through a financial struggle. Something happened beyond my control. I didnt want to move back home..because I was so afraid of remembering my horrible ….painful past. Well, my fiance talked me into coming home. He said he would even come to my hometown with me.
Since I have been home my past has haunted me again. I hate being here. I cam doing everything I can to move back out of town with my fiance and our son. But meanwhile as I plan and execute my goals…I have tried stay focused and motivated….I have to ignore the hurt and pain of being here….. …but as I try to move forward mentally…my dad whom comes in and out of my life…keeps bringing up my past! I have asked him to please stop…he stopped for a little while and then he brings it up AGAIN. Honestly because of that….secretly I HATE talking to him…i plan to use those mantras as I plan on leaving AGAIN.
Steve says
Your emails are so very awesome. I am going thru a separation with my wife . I have spent so much of our marriage trying to make things right for her . Feeling like I never could achieve ” atta boy ” when in reality it’s not my job to make her happy as “Mr fixer , uh that’s me ” can only fix himself and I’m really working on throwing out the tapes that play in my head about how it’s all my fault. I have been inviting her out on the dance floor with no luck . The band still plays and therapy says ” quit chasing stand still create a vacuum .
I needed today’s email with the Mantras which hit me dead on . I have no choice as to take them and live by that mindset .
Thanks again , you guy’s are God sent.
A says
Kudos to you for trying Steve, but in the end, you only live once! I hope you find another to test your dancing skills 😉
Janice says
When I remember, I’m helped by what I call “the 4 O’s”:
When I’m tempted to be OFFENDED by something I or another has done, I try to OBSERVE it without judging – Hmm, what was going on to create that response? Then I OFFER what I see back to God and OBEY in what I feel I want to do differently.
Very helpful when I’m mindful enough to use it!
Hema says
Mind blowing!! Your articles are magical! Lucky to have found your blog. Most times we aim for the sky but forget those tiny little things on the ground which actually is our true happiness. Your article s are a constant reminder of those easily forgotten moments.
I am actually saving all your article’s to pass it on to my next generation! Keep continuing! Best wishes.
Magdy Doze says
The world is your mirror
Thats what I remind myself always
When a tough situation comes up..& when I begin to think negatively about myself, first I accept it as it is, that this negative feeling called (blame) comes from a good place actually…a place that wants me to be the best possible in everything I do, then tell myself (I am Good) (I am OK) (the fact that I have self-blame means that I am AWARE) & that in enough itself is GREAT
Then that feel of blame converts to a peaceful one…a peace that allows me to see the things as it is, & from that to take actions accordingly as it is too (WITHOUT any judgement in the process)
The root of self-blame is that we set expectations for ourselves, & when we or life disappoint those expectations we tend to be sad & feel miserable
We are BEYOND any expectations or any definitions set by others or ourselves…we must realize that we are what we are, & when we fully digest that meaning…we set ourselves free 🙂
Thank you Marc and Angel
You are blessing in my life 🙂
Nathalie | WantForWellness.com says
What a great and in-depth article, with helpful tips and reminders! I scanned the article this morning and intentionally browsed back to your site tonight to read it… Because I needed it 😉 Great work guys!
Jacqueline says
wow holding the glass is light until you hold it for a long time, that really spoke volumes to me, i have held onto things for too long, and offenses too that have robbed me of peace, again you guys so timely its like have you got links to my brain haha my mind ruled me this weekend and i had a horrid time because of something someone said, but i learnt today that really i am often misunderstood and isn,t that often the case for most of us then we get an offense/grudge, most times i ignore insensitive remarks but this weekend i just couldn,t but i will remember the glass example and move on and learn and remember to give myself and othets some grace
thankyou for sharing valuable advice love Jacqueline xxx
Katrien Degraeve says
Goodmorning Marc and Angel!
Thank you so much for sharing all this wisdom with us! I recently signed in on your course ‘ Getting back to happy ‘ and it is amazing!! It really works! The actions you suggest are realistic and helpful. It is always hard to bridge the knowing – doing gap and now I finally start acting!! Also the way you learn us how to think and refocus on a situation is really mindblowing. Even this morning I faced a setback and instead of going of in an negative spin and start complaining, I managed to sit back, breathe and say to myself: how will this negative attitude bring me closer to a solution? Will I feel better lashing out? No! Quite the opposite, I would feel a lot worse and I would not even have come one step closer to a solution. This has only become possible thanks to your course. I have started the meditation as you, Angel, taught in the video and it is hard work and it does not always go the way I would like it to go but I am learning and working every day to become better at it. The daily rituals and the setting of smaller goals to ultimately achieve the bigger goals are really helping me forward. I also write in my journal every evening to remind me of the happy moments of the day! So again: thank you, I am a big fan and I am looking forward to still learning a lot from you!!!
Have a very nice day!!!
Katrien
Dennis says
A very encouraging article. I am struggling with divorce and all of the fears associated with it. I’ve made mistakes that I regret and have a hard time forgiving myself. I cannot change the inevitability of the loss of the marriage but I am trying to forgive myself and realize it takes two to make and break things.
I pray for the strength to get through it and articles of this nature offer encouragement, thank you.
OMA says
Marc and Angel, thanks very much for this guidance. I’m going thru though times and your words have been helping me so much.
Joel says
Love the glass of water analogy. It is the perfect metaphor for the things that drag us down in life. At first, they seem easy to handle and maintain but let them linger around long enough and they will beat you into submission.
No matter the time, the methods of coping you have laid out will be a great help to so many, myself included.
Miss Kitty says
I agree. The water glass comment resonated with me. I’m the gal that keeps holding it up, it gets heavier and heavier. I need to stop doing that.
Jennifer says
A good read Marc and Angel. Thanks for your brilliant points.
Aysha says
Thank you Marc and Angel. I hadn’t visited your site in a while as I’d been very busy. Then, this morning I could feel uneasiness and anxiety creeping in; I’d had a vivid dream where I saw my husband and it was such a beautiful moment. He left me last August…just got up and left. We’d had problems in the past (due to his issues- he was suffering from PTSD because of things that happened in his childhood) . The day before he ended things, we’d gone out for dinner and romantic walk. Everything was wonderful. Then, he had an argument with the kids and I got drawn in. That was it. He decided everything was over. He refuses to talk or even answer my texts. I was so hurt, I just become numb. I’ve been married for 16 years and been his rock. It will be one year in around 2 weeks since he just decided to give up on me and the kids. I’ve been thinking of giving up and resigning myself to the fact that it’s over. Having that dream really disturbed me. I try not to think about him too much…it’s like the glass…it becomes too heavy to bear. It is so hard not to have closure. He told my daughter he loves me a few weeks ago. I text him after that, but he ignored me. I’m tired of all this. He hasn’t divorced me. Howver, I’m married but not married. I can’t think of marrying or meeting someone else because I sell love him. I’ve tried to stop loving him. I’ve tried to think of the terrible things he has done. My heart still remains open and full of love. The last few weeks I’ve been pushing myself to let it go and accept my reality: he will never return. I tried to picture a happier future without him even though my heart feels so sad and pained. And then I had a dream which seemed so real. It’s left me feeling unsettled. I’m struggling to accept the end despite trying so much. I’m normally someone who looks for lessons in everything and try to turn a negative situation on its head. I’m a person of faith and that has helped me through some dark times. I’m productive at work (I’m a teacher), reliable and do a great job as a single mum. Looking from the outside no one will know the pain I carry or how deeply this rejection has affected me…I know though. I just don’t understand how to move on. I read the article and so much hits home. It’ll provide me with relief…for a while. It will be a balm to my wounds…for a while. Nothing seems to heal me though. I’ve tried so hard.
mariemichelle says
Refreshing…..love love it alll ?
Miss Kitty says
Your article is so inspiring to me. I tend to get lost in my own head sometimes. I lose perspective and hope for myself. Just reading this article I felt a calm wash over me. I felt impowered somehow. I felt worthy. Thank you. ?
Betkini says
Thank you SO MUCH for your inspiring blog, this article in particular. I will re-read it every day. Thank you.