You won’t always be a priority to others, and that’s why you need to be a priority to yourself. Practice respecting yourself, caring for yourself, and becoming a reliable part of your own support system.
When it comes to the importance of self-respect and self-care, there’s a lot to say. But let’s lighten the mood first by beginning with this:
A puppy thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a warm, dry home, pet me, and take good care of me…
… THEY MUST BE GODS!”
A kitten thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a warm, dry home, pet me, and take good care of me…
… I MUST BE A GOD!”
Same situation, different thinking.
To a great extent, we make our life stories by our thoughts. The truth we ultimately live is a process of our daily thinking. And when we think better about ourselves, we live better in spite of the challenges and limitations we face.
Of course, as human beings our lives are far more complex than that of a puppy or kitten, but how we think about ourselves still makes a world of difference. Which is why it’s vital to bring more awareness to your inner dialog and what you believe to be true about yourself — your self-respect and self-care feedback loops. For instance, over the years I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve caught myself thinking and believing, “I’m not good enough!” simply because I wasn’t having a good day. Can you relate at all? To a degree I’m sure you can, because we all do this to ourselves in some way. You’re not all that different from me…
You have a story — an inner feedback loop — about yourself (or perhaps a series of them) that you recite to yourself daily. Your story is about who you are, and not all of it is true, kind, or helpful — you have a chubby tummy, your skin is too blemished, you aren’t smart, you aren’t lovable… you aren’t good enough. Start to pay attention when your inner dialog starts chattering — when you feel anxiety about being who you are — because it affects everything you do. Realize that this chatter isn’t real, it usually isn’t true, and it certainly isn’t YOU. It’s just a train of thought that can be observed, and an opportunity to remind yourself of the truth.
Start by admitting to yourself that you’ve spent a lot of your life subconsciously betraying yourself. Thinking you’re not enough. Wishing to be someone else. Someone who fits in, who’s less sensitive, needy, and flawed. Someone who is less YOU. Because you felt broken and didn’t want to scare people away. You wanted everyone to like you, so you could be seen as worthy and lovable… so you could feel more healed and whole. And so for the longest time, behind a facade of fake smiles, you have inadvertently betrayed yourself for the purpose of pleasing everyone else. And for longest time, your heart has ached.
But now you’re seeing things differently, right?
Betraying yourself like that just doesn’t make sense. And more than that, you now realize that no matter what you do or how you change, some people will never be satisfied anyway, and some situations will never nurture your soul.
You now realize you have to start doing things for the right reasons!
Not because it’s what you think everyone else needs, but because you finally know yourself to be worthy of your own respect and care.
Not because other people approve of you, but because you are breathing your own air, thinking your own thoughts, and occupying a space no one else ever could.
You may have been beaten down by adversity, or sidetracked by rejection, but you are not broken. So don’t let your subconscious mind, or anyone or anything else, convince you otherwise. Respect and care for yourself by refusing to betray yourself. Choose to stand out, to do what you know in your heart is right. Choose to appreciate yourself for who you are, accepting your quirks entirely and sincerely…
Choose to always reflect on the truth:
1. You are not what happened to you in the past.
You are not your past experiences. You are not your scars. You are not what someone else once said about you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again today.
2. You are more than any one broken piece of you.
We all have this image in our minds of ourselves — this idea of who we are. And when this idea gets chipped or broken in some small way, we tend to broadly internalize it. Realize this. It’s easy to feel like everything — ALL of you — is broken along with that one small piece of you. But that’s not true. Because you are more than one thing — you are many wonderful things! And remembering this can help you stretch your identity so it’s not so fragile — so it doesn’t shatter when a small piece of it gets chipped.
3. Other people’s opinions of you are rarely 100% accurate.
People may have heard your stories, but they can’t feel what you are going through today. They aren’t living your life! So let go of what they say about you. There is great freedom in leaving others to their opinions. And there is a huge weight lifted when you take nothing personally.
4. You are as worthy as you believe yourself to be.
You will never find your worth in another human being — you find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy. Meditate on this. Accept and acknowledge your own worth today. Stop waiting for others to tell you how important you are. Tell yourself right now. And believe it.
5. You aren’t as kind to yourself as you could be.
Honestly, the best time to be extra kind to yourself is when you don’t feel like it. Why? Because that’s when doing so can make the biggest difference. In the end it’s not what you say to everybody else that determines your life; it’s what you whisper to yourself every day behind closed doors that has the greatest power and influence.
6. It’s not too late, and you aren’t behind.
You are exactly where you need to be. Every step is necessary. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.
7. You have come a long way.
The trick is to embrace life today. Be right where you are. That’s where your power is. There’s a time and place for everything, and every step is necessary. Just keep doing your best, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life. When it’s meant to be, it will be. You’ve come a long way already, and you’re still learning and growing. Appreciate your progress, and the next immediate step in front of you.
8. It’s OK to not feel OK all the time.
Sometimes not being OK is all we can register inside our weary minds and aching hearts. This emotion is human, and accepting it can feel like a small weight lifted. Truth be told, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world. It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you or let’s you down hard. It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained. It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in grief like you’ve never known before. Whatever your painful season of life consists of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK, and that’s OK. You don’t have to feel good all the time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and give yourself the space you need to breathe.
9. You need to distance yourself sometimes (to see your situation clearly).
Step back. Give yourself space. Sometimes the most important thing you do in a whole day is the short rest you take between two deep breaths. Take those breaths, and that rest, when you need to. Just let go for a moment and remind yourself that the strongest sign of your growth is feeling a little less overwhelmed by the daily stress that once used to completely consume you.
10. You are a work in progress.
It’s wild how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us down worthwhile paths we would never travel if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith — trust the journey. Continue to be a work in progress, and celebrate the fact that you are! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
An exercise for feeling better and improving your inner dialog.
If you feel like you’ve been struggling with your inner dialog lately — if that inner feedback loop of yours is cycling self-deprecating stories instead of empowering truths like the ones listed above — this quick actionable closing exercise is for YOU.
Use the simple phrase “The story I’m telling myself…” as a prefix to any self-deprecating thought that comes to mind. Here’s how it works:
Perhaps someone you just met didn’t call you when they said they would, and now you’re thinking, “They forgot about me because I’m not good enough for them.” When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase:
“The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me simply because I’m not good enough for them.”
Then ask yourself:
- Can I be 100% certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other (more positive) possibility that might also be true?
Give yourself the space to think it through carefully. Mull it over, mindfully.
On the average day, I bet your answer to question #1 is “no,” and your answer to question #2 is “not very good.” And I hope question #3 gives you the perspective you need to embrace a more empowering truth about yourself and your situation.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to let the truth sink in. Remind yourself of it — read the reminders above — again and again, especially when you catch yourself in the middle of a self-deprecating funk…
One day at a time.
One reminder at a time.
Empower yourself with the truth — YOUR truth!
And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Dana Finnley says
This post is a real gem, Marc and Angel. I’m so thankful a friend bought me your book and turned me on to your writings a few months ago. Your perspectives have made a world of difference to me as I navigate a big life transition following the loss of my partner this past January. The combination of #’s 8, 9, and 10 really sink in deep at the moment. I just wrote them down in my journal so I can easily reference them and internalize them. Also, I’m looking forward to your next live seminar when it is announced. I hope to see more info soon.
Kaleb says
I’m really blown up by your daily words or inspiration. Sometimes when I read your messages. It looks like you speaking to me directly. And I just want to say since Day 1
i don’t miss any of your inspirations and I’m getting stronger everyday. May the Lord keep you and guide u with your family. Kaleb, Midrand, Johannesburg RSA
Dawn says
Wow!! How true that is. I always feel that way. Its like negative thinking all the time like I was the chosen ONE!! I feel like im not good enough i feel unworthy unloved. It sucks. Its a horriable feeling. Your blog made sense. If i only knew how to apply it. Thank you so much. I get so excited everytime I see your names in my gmail. Thank you and god bless!!!
Sara says
I really needed to hear this today. Yesterday was emotional and difficult but changing how I react and how I was thinking about the situation, made a different outcome come to mind! Thank you for being real and reminding us that we are all just a work in progress.
Valeria Teles says
“One day at a time. One reminder at a time.”
In this very moment, you ARE all you need. Look within.
Much love to you Marc and Angel!
Valeria
Paula says
Hi M&A! I’ve been a student in your getting to happy course for the past several weeks and I feel like this post as a whole has so many excellent reminders of what I’ve been working to correct in my life. I made progress already, but like you said I’m surely a work in progress. I will continue the course lessons, and then also bookmark this blog post on my iPhone for quick inspiration when I need it. Thanks for everything you to do.
Christine says
Thank you so much for this article. All the points resonated with me. As a victim of emotional abuse by a close family member for more than a decade, I had lost my belief, my love and everything in myself. I’m recovering from it slowly and taking a day at a time. Even though I’m doing good otherwise(in career), my relationship with others and my relationship with myself has taken a huge hit. Some days are very bad. I feel worthless, not lovable, broken and sad all the time. All I do is lie on my bed. I have a bad relationship with food as a result of this abuse.
Since last couple of weeks, I’ve been pushing myself to take one day at a time. I’ve started to have a regular sleeping pattern and I try to eat right. Even though I slip from the routine, I try to forgive myself.
I know the journey is hard and far. And your essay here just consolidates the facts that I have to keep telling myself everyday.
Thank you, once again.
Gerry says
Christine…it may also help to walk in nature and just breathe. Best wishes.
Stormi says
Struggling this morning with liking myself. Opened up my inbox, and here this was. Thank you for the timing..it was meant to be today! That opening meme about the puppy and kitten made me smile and helped me internalize the excellent points that followed.
Michelle says
“You are as worthy as you believe yourself to be.”
Sadly I heard from various family members, for most of my life, that I was worthless. I believed this long before I even understood it. I’m on a path of unraveling all of that and I’m slowly gaining belief in and love for my whole self, flaws, mistakes and all. I’m learning that my past mistakes do not indicate who I am today or tomorrow!
Indigo says
Aligning to that higher self that we truly are, the sekf who has witnessed our very dat who struggle and also grown with our greatest dreams. Who we really want to become. We start by allowing love for us as well as others.
It’s so nice to breathe and feel and heal. All is working out for us, just find ways to feel good and allow our wellbeing.
Find the path of least resistance, following our bliss, to what uplift us.
It’s there, the wise mind, the knowing in the silence. Meditate and let the the thoughts lose their central focus. Breathe deeply and become clear, the you that you really are. For a few minutes a day in meditation, find some relief and quality, a rewarding peace and satisfaction. You are not broken. You are a never ending unfolding of your precious journey towards joy and you are free…
Thanks for reminding me today, M&A.
Sandra says
#3. Not only that they haven’t lived your life. YOU probably don’t know what they really think of you. You might have just noticed the negative things they said and their overall opinion of you might be so much more positive than that. A great reminder for me today! Thanks.
Gray says
As a caregiver of two 90 year old parents – one bitter and depressed, and another who is in moderate stages of dementia, it is hard to see positive things in the future. This was chock full of great reminders in a particularly bad week. THANKS!! ?
Olivia says
Dear Marc and Angel,
I have enjoyed your wisdom and publications you’ve shared over the years. I just read today’s and it was as if it was written for me. I am just short of 3 months going NO CONTACT with a narcissist I’d known for 12+ years. He had lead me to believe we had an exclusive relationship with a retirement and marriage a few short months away, when just the opposite was the true reality and I’d been made a fool of all that time. Needless to say I am in the process of putting myself back together and trying to move forward with my life.
Although I have blocked him, he has found ways to communicate with me, I don’t open, read or respond but it has hindered my progress and has me a bit stuck. Today’s message from you was a God send to me. Your writing style clearly communicates life challenges and how to best address them. I save and reread your publications you send out.
Today’s was extremely helpful and has made a difference for me already in sorting out, removing cobwebs and implementing sound thinking for me.
For that I will be ever grateful to you both. Thank you and best wishes in all your future endeavors.
MAZALINA MATATOVA says
Thank you.
Cynthia says
Thank you for this message. It was so inspiring, I’ll remember to take a breath as I go through this week. You’re doing God’s work.
Lou says
WOW HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED TO READ THIS? I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED BY FAMILY MEMBERS, FALSELY ACCUSED, AND HIT HARD BY ADVERSITY. THANK YOU FOR THIS TODAY.
Clair Kelly says
Enlightening….
Tammy Takamine says
I don’t know how you two do it. It’s like you KNOW exactly what I need to hear and exactly when I need to hear it., which is all the time! I’m one of those people who hears/reads something wonderfully uplifting, but when things get crappy, I forget to remember any of it. Keep repeating it and maybe one day I’ll truly get it and remember it.
Thanks X 1,000,000!!
Henly Dopo says
This reading again motivates me to keep the momentum I have had in the days that last few days and weeks.
It’s true that I know and understand myself better than any other person ever know. My strengths, weaknesses, failures, etc.., are all mine and now one stands in-between share these feelings. People only witness the seen. I am now more focused on myself every moment in present and don’t want to allow anything to stand in between to determine my response and feelings towards events happening around me. I have come a long way and I have a long way to go.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Martha says
I loved what you both wrote – working on myself, butni really enjoy what others write – makes me know that others struggle as I struggle – makes me know that things CAN get better.
Thanks
Valerie McCuiston says
Hello All?
Oh God!! There are so many great things said that I can relate to!!
The first one that really spoke volumes to me was:
“You are not your past experiences. You are not your scars. You are not what someone else once said about you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again today.”
I can eat this one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Lol. Throw some in for a couple of snacks, too!!
In my heart of hearts, I know this, but there are times (mainly with my sisters).
Another one that is soooo beautifully stated is:
“You will never find your worth in another human being — you find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy.”
I think many of us know this to be true… But living it through is where I find the issue.
There are others that ring true. I just don’t want to take up more time and space than I already have.
Again, I appreciate the two of you. Your column is such a remarkable “Find!!”
Valerie McCuiston?
Scott Siwicki says
Thank you. This article really hits home for me. I tend to think negative thoughts of myself.
Yes, after many serious life issues, and health issues. My jouney is not over yet. Thinking more positive thoughts really helps.
I have learned the hard way; in times of serious struggles in your life.
Many people you expect to be there. Are not always there for you.
But I am on a new path now. Still unsure exactly where it goes yet.