It’s that time of the year again. ‘Tis the season of family vacations, holiday parties, and awkward celebratory work functions. And whenever large groups of us are forced to share the same space for too long, especially after hours when alcohol and exhaustion are factored in, there’s a fairly high potential for unnecessary drama.
I was reminded of this today when a new course student emailed me saying:
“I have difficult people in my family and social circles that I have to deal with at various holiday-related gatherings over the next several weeks, and just thinking about it drives me crazy. What can I do when these difficult people start getting on my nerves—which is inevitable? How do I shield myself from their negative behavior so I can keep my cool? And what if I can’t completely get away from them? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Truly, it’s a super-common emotion to feel stressed out and annoyed by other people, especially those family, friends and coworkers with the closest ties to us. But even when our feelings are justifiable, we don’t want anyone else’s presence or behavior to bring us down. And we certainly don’t want to add to the drama around us.
So, what can we do when someone close to us is being annoying, irritating, rude or just generally difficult?
Well, assuming we’re not in any sort of real danger and we don’t need to physically protect ourselves, the best choice is often a simple mindset shift. Rather than trying to change the other person, we change our response to them.
I know that suggestion can be frustrating for some people. Why should we have to make a change when it’s the other person who’s misbehaving?
The key, though, is to understand that with a few simple mindset shifts you can find a lot more peace around just about anyone. But if you try to shift the behavior of others, you’re only going to drive yourself crazy. This is well-illustrated by a metaphor Angel and I heard yesterday from an instructor in a group meditation class:
“Where could I find enough rubber to cover the rocky surface of the world? With just the rubber on the soles of my shoes. Think about it. It’s as if the whole world were covered as I walk. Likewise, I am unable to control external life situations, but I shall control my own mind. What need is there to control anyone or anything else?”
That simple metaphor conveys the truth: the surface of the Earth is rocky and hard to walk on in most places. So, we can try to find a covering for the whole world—which is obviously impossible—or we can simply cover our own feet with rubber-soled shoes, and then walk around peacefully wherever we please.
Similarly, we can either try to control the difficult people around us—another impossibility—or we can control our responses to them.
Simple Practices that Bring Peace
If you’ve nodded your head to anything you’ve just read, it’s time to…
1. Notice the story you’re telling yourself about the other person.
Whenever you find yourself stressed out and irritated by how someone else is behaving, first notice that your mind starts to create a story of anger and resentment about them. It’s about how they always behave in this irritating way, and how you are absolutely sick of them! This story is harmful. It immediately stresses you out, it keeps you exclusively focused on the negative qualities of the other person, and it ultimately makes you someone you probably don’t want to be.
So, do you best to see this story for what it is.
2. Interpret their negative behavior less personally.
When you sense negativity coming at you, give it a small push back with a thought like, “That remark (or gesture, or whatever) is not really about me, it’s about you (or the world at large).” Remember that all people have emotional issues they’re dealing with (just like you), and it makes them rude and downright thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues.
In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like the rocky ground under your feet) that you can either respond to effectively when necessary (by putting your figurative shoes on), or not respond to at all.
3. Take positive control of negative conversations.
It’s okay to change the topic, talk about something positive, or steer conversations away from pity parties, drama, and self-absorbed sagas. Be willing to disagree with difficult people and deal with the momentary consequences. Some people really don’t recognize their own difficult tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior.
You can actually tell a person, “I feel like I’m being criticized.” You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away: “I’m trying to focus on positive things. What’s something good we can talk about?” It may work and it may not, but your honesty will help ensure that any communication that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground.
4. Model the behavior you hope to see.
When someone insists on foisting their drama on you, be an example of a pure existence. Disregard their antics and focus on compassion. Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of love, with the best intentions. Use your voice for good, to inspire, to encourage, to educate, and to spread the type of behavior you want to see in others.
All of this, of course, is easier said than done. It takes practice. Even with decades of practice behind me, I sometimes catch myself being rude to people who are rude to me—I behave badly because they behaved badly. And even if the situation is absolutely their fault, my behavior only escalates the situation. So, I do my best to take a deep breath and set a good example of how to cope with anger and frustration. I try to be patient and compassionate with them—to demonstrate a positive way of handling difficult people. And doing so always brings me peace, even if it’s not instantaneous. (Note: Angel and I discuss this practice in detail in our NY Times best seller, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs.)
More Healthy Ways to Handle Difficult Relationship Issues
Although the four foundational practices above can work wonders by themselves, Angel and I also put this short video together for you (recorded live at our annual seminar) to further clarify and expand on the intricacies of handling difficult relationships:
Afterthoughts on Letting Go of Judging Others
I want to wrap up this post by giving you an example of how Angel and I apply some of the aforementioned practices and strategies for handling the difficult people in our own lives. A big key for us has been our deliberate and consistent efforts to let go of judging others. Yes, one of the most astonishing changes we have made in our lives, which has undoubtedly made us happier and better able to cope with the “difficult” people around us, is simply learning to NOT judge the people around us.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that we don’t ever make impulsive judgments about people; we all have a tendency to do so by default—it’s an innate human instinct. So, Angel and I are not the exception here. But we have learned to catch ourselves.
And today, I challenge you to catch yourself, too.
First and foremost, you must bring awareness to the fact that you’re judging (think about that story we discussed above in point #1). There are two crystal-clear signs to look for in yourself:
- You feel irritated, annoyed, angry or dismissive of someone
- You’re complaining or gossiping about someone
After you catch yourself judging, pause and take a deep breath. Don’t berate yourself, but simply ask yourself a few questions:
- Why are you judging this person right now?
- What kinds of unjustified expectations do you have of this person?
- Can you put yourself in this person’s shoes?
- What might this person be going through?
- Can you learn more about their story?
- What’s something small you can appreciate about this person right now?
Once you’ve done that, offer your kindness and compassion (think about what we discussed above in point #4). Perhaps they just need someone to hear them, someone to not judge them, someone to not control them, someone to be present without an agenda…
But in any case, remind yourself that you can’t help them at all from a position of judgment. And you can’t help yourself either—because judging people all the time is awfully stressful and difficult in its own right.
Now, it’s your turn…
What did you think of this article (and the video)?
How have difficult people, or difficult relationship issues, affected you in recent times? Do you have any additional thoughts or insights to share?
Angel and I would love to hear from YOU. Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Carol says
M&A,
I absolutely appreciate when your newest blog posts and emails arrive in my gmail inbox when I’m in need of some healthy self-reflection. This one keeps me on track with my understanding that most arguments are just not worth having, and that my own inner strength is a crucial part of the healthy relationships I’m attempting to maintain with others. Difficult people, or just difficult relationship moments, will always come up, but they don’t have to derail me. Excellent reminders!
And I’m also looking forward to meeting you both, and other like-minded souls, at your upcoming seminar in February. 🙂
Mabel Misberg says
Thank you for your commentaries ,,they are so positive in my daily life !!
I live in Buenos Aires Argentina , my eldest son is adopted , he has been living in Canada for 20 years now, he had been brouht up with love and care , he graduated while being in my house , he married ,and had two nice girls before living ,,but now he refuses any kind in touch with me ( my husband died 18 years ago) . I was told that one of my granddaughters married ,,it is such a pain for me ,,,Although I send him short messages explaining him and his family my love ..no answer at allo
Please try to help me
Mabel
[email protected]
Devon Henderson says
Hi Marc! I just wanted to leave a quick reply here finally to say thank you, Marc and Angel! I read your weekly posts, and even read excerpts from your NY Times best-seller as positive morning affirmations, but I’ve never left a comment here say thanks. So THANK YOU and keep being a source of healthy guidance to others. My mindset, relationships, and life in general have benefitted immensely. Honestly, the difficult people in my world have grown a lot easier to deal with, as I’ve gradually learned smarter methods of coping from you and Angel.
Therese Flowers says
Thanks for this one, Marc & Angel. I’ve had difficult people holding me back for much of my life. Or better yet, I didn’t spend enough time around those who support my ambitions, and I also didn’t dedicate enough of my attention to managing my reactions to those who were bringing me down. One of the most important lessons I’ve picked up from your course and coaching is that I don’t have to exile unsupportive people, like family members, from my life to make room for others who do support me. I’ve put your guidance into practice and shifted my focus quite a bit over the past year. I’ve made it a daily ritual and priority to focus a little more on the relationships, activities and reactions that support the growth I am capable of creating in my life. And this has made all the difference. 🙂
Ann says
My goal is to Master these tools & use them daily ?? An answer , to All my problems in alew of cutting my tongue out ? ???????Thank you ???
KC says
Lol! I can relate to the tongue cutting out.
Rice says
“Nindut kaayo!” – Super nice!
I highly appreciate the stories you shared.
Paula says
“(…) I have difficult people in my family and social circles that I have to deal with at various holiday-related gatherings (…)” – NO, you don’t. You don’t have to deal with difficult people. You can choose to change the family tradition, if this tradition is unhealthy. People who will choose to be mad at you, let them be mad. You will be happier, healthier and proud. Keep in mind the following quote: “You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance – you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.”— (Daniell
Mary Czekalski says
I agree 100%!!!
Nildy says
Thank you for this post. I have been married for 54 years.and I wish I could say that every thing is always honky dory but it isn’t. Your comments and suggestions are valid and helpful. What I have noticed , however , is that proof of the pudding is in the eating. In those moments when the disagreement is happening and my heart is pounding the only thing I can think of is I want this to stop. Trying to remember to use steps 1-4 because difficult if not almost impossible.
Someone says
I find this site a piece of art; a great resource. The challenge with the ideals between 1-4 are diversity. Your situation has 54 years of biology attached to it. You are both from diverse places and any lingering biological inconsistencies that exist in your relationship, are deeply embedded neuro programming. The challenges become more complex when we try to box them in simple explanation and I respect your speaking up. You already know what works best. You understand the communication and the best of it. Take time away from your husband and do new things across longer lengths of time. Use the current while swimming to take you to your own shores; and remember we generate compassion from liberating ourselves in and out. But we generate trust from that compassion — that shared passion, grows to mutual respect. But alas. We are but humans.
Linda says
WOW! This article came at a perfect time. I struggle with a couple of relationships in my family over holidays in particular. Reminding me to take a second and rethink how I respond or how I think about those relationships and the dreaded time together where I almost always end up feeling angry and frustrated by their lack of meeting”MY EXPECTATIONS!!” I realize at this very moment the only person that needs to change in this situation is ME. I am going to work very hard from this moment to create a positive space for myself and those family members, I am going to start now thinking about how I can do that. Perhaps this Christmas dinner will be more pleasant for all. Thank You.
Holly says
Linda,
Please let us know after the holidays, how this worked out for you.
Marywauteletd'Angers says
M&A,
It’s time for me too to say you both “thank you so much” for inspiring me so often and elevate my life.
Regardons how to deal with difficult people I’m able to wear my insulating shoes when it’s absolutely necessary and that means “occasionally”. But most of the time I follow another advice of yours : let go of bad and toxic relationships. I’m actually retired and that’s the reason why I’m enjoying such a free and sane life emotionnally speaking. Mary
Wendie Meyer says
I teach 7-12th grade and I needed this article so much. Our students are always more difficult before an anticipated break, like for the holidays. The faculty and staff have additional stress themselves, and I for one find myself reacting to everything as if it is a personal assault. I have just been through a medical leave and now I am preparing to return to work. This article and the video were a reminder that it isn’t a personal attack on me or what I am teaching and I need to stop myself from judging students and colleagues. Thank you.
Dave MacDonald says
I enjoyed your thoughts and practice your models but have also practiced that I can not change someone’s behavior but I can control how much time I spend around or with them. I try not to make it obvious but joining other conversations and limiting the time I spend with people with dramatic behavior issues has benefited me personally. I have benefited dramatically by following your thoughts as well and appreciate and am loyal to your guidance.
Jacqueline says
when all said and done most people just want to be heard, esp in this very vocal distracting world, thanks so much for reminding me to take a step back and just keep away from drama, so i have enough left for the quiet ones or those who really need my care and compassion, great advice
have a blessed Christmas love
Jacqueline xxxx????
Ted says
Very timely for me at this time of the year. Thank you.
Linda says
Thank you so much. Your blogs and posts are always immensely helpful. Today’s blog was particularly timely. I had just sent off an email to somewhere where I had to establish firm boundaries, then opened your email to find this blog. Thank you for your wisdom. I actually have a specific MARC AND ANGEL folder in my email….full of your helpful guidance.:-)
JT Simmons says
I’m dealing with this very situation right now. I’ve found that the only solution, at least for now is to stay out of range of those verbal and emotional punches. Of course, I don’t want that to be the final solution. When you love someone and they say and do hurtful things, then the separation is doubly painful. I want there to be a way back. I think your advice is sound, that maintaining an emotional distance while interacting with difficult people keeps the toxicity to a minimum. There is always hope. Like life, love always finds a way. Thank you for your ecouragement.
l says
As always, this came at the perfect time – just what I needed to read this week. Thank you!!!
nife says
thanks so much both of u am in short of word i which to share my story with both of u thanks
Kenny Aronson says
Hi Marc, I love the post and I appreciate you taking the time to write it. I believe negative attitudes can be a drain on someone who is positive and ambitious. But with that said, there are certain things you can do to make the experience better. I have found that expressing gratitude is really beneficial for staying in the moment and just appreciating what you have and your situation.
Donna says
This is amazing! U just taught me a new way of thinking. Thank u.
mbb says
my mom just keeps the comments where they belong, by simply saying “so you say”. and not responding or reacting beyond that. because what
they are doing is literally true, it’s harder to ‘make’ her agree and saves energy in continuing on a non-productive path.
Juliet Dsouza says
Thank you M&A. Appreciate when your newest blog posts and emails arrive in my inbox when I’m in need of some healthy self-reflection.
Your stories so have an impact and I look forward to receiving your post.
Christy says
Nicely written . Hope I can find more peace around me.
KC says
I wish you two could teach to the whole world for free! You know how much of a better place the world would be?
Everything is so right on and so positive and how much SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WOULD BENIFIT!
I have so much more to say about my world and how I need your teachings, but I will save that for and email.
Jane Lambert says
Hi. This blog just sets in stone, the feelings you get back from being judgemental or not.
I was constantly judging people, which left me feeling more and more resentment, hate and embarrasment (if aired judgemental views in public and later been told how wrong my opinion about a person was).
My husband has had a long and patient battle with teaching me to not think negative thoughts about anybody, to keep my soul pure (and many other reasons which I didnt understand at the time). So slowly, I have been following this practice and as you have described in your blog above, is truely the purest path to follow.
Reading your English and simple explanations is exactly what my husband has been trying to explain to me, for the past year and half. But the language barriers (he speaks Malay, I speak English) prevented him on explaining why.
So I thank you both from my very soul, on sharing this blog. I also thank my husband in his patience and having faith in me, that I am on the path to enlightment.
Joe says
Hi Marc and Angel,
Thanks for this post. I have been following your work of helping fellow beings for years but this is the first time am commenting. Everytime I face a difficult situation or a person I open this bookmarked page and read it. I have found answers and especially to calm myself assertively and convincingly. I am extremely grateful to you for letting love into the world.
Many thanks.