This morning, over coffee, one of my good friends spilled her guts to me about all of her failed attempts to find the perfect man. Although her story is about her unique personal experiences, I couldn’t help but feel like I had heard the same story told by others in completely different circumstances a hundred times before.
It’s a heartbreaking tale about the endless quest for perfection that so many of us are on…
The Perfect Woman
Once upon a time, an intelligent, attractive, self-sufficient woman in her mid-thirties decided she wanted to settle down and find a husband. So she journeyed out into the world to search for the perfect man.
She met him in New York City at a bar in a fancy hotel lobby. He was handsome and well-spoken. In fact, she had a hard time keeping her eyes off of him. He intrigued her. It was the curves of his cheek bones, the confidence in his voice, and the comfort of his warm, steady hands. But after only a short time, she broke things off. “We just didn’t share the same religious views,” she said. So she continued on her journey.
She met him again in Austin a few months later. This time, he was an entrepreneur who owned a small, successful record label that assisted local musicians with booking gigs and promoting their music. And she learned, during an unforgettable night, that not only did they share the same religious views, but he could also make her laugh for hours on end. “But I just wasn’t that physically attracted to him,” she said. So she continued on her journey.
She met him again in Miami at a beachside café. He was a sports medicine doctor for the Miami Dolphins, but he easily could have been an underwear model for Calvin Klein. For a little while, she was certain he was the one! And all of her friends loved him too. “He’s the perfect catch,” they told her. “But we didn’t hang in the same social circles, and his high-profile job consumed way too much of his time and attention,” she said. So she cut things off and continued on her journey.
Finally, at a corporate business conference in San Diego, she met the perfect man. He possessed every quality she had been searching for. Intelligent, handsome, spiritual, similar social circles, and a strong emotional and physical connection—absolutely perfect! She was ready to spend the rest of her life with him. “But unfortunately, he was looking for the ‘perfect’ woman,” she said.
Everything We’ve Ever Hoped For
As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection. We do so when we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend, or lover.
The problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state. Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow.
That perfect house, job, friend, or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. Thus, the closest we can get to perfection is the experience itself—the snapshot of a single moment or vision held forever in our minds—never evolving, never growing. And that’s not really what we want. We want something real! And when it’s real, it won’t ever be perfect. But if we’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything we’ve ever hoped for.
That Imperfect Man (or Woman)
The truth is, when it comes to finding the “perfect man” or “perfect woman” or “perfect relationship,” the journey starts with letting the fantasy of “perfect” GO! In the real world, you don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not. Likewise, your goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement.
And when an intimate relationship gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong. Intimate relationships are intricate, and are often toughest when you’re doing them right—when you’re dedicating time, having the hard conversations, compromising, and making daily sacrifices. Resisting the tough moments—the real moments—and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong, or that you’re with the wrong person, only exacerbates the difficulties. By contrast, viewing difficulties in a relationship as normal and necessary will give you and your partner the best chance to thrive together in the long run.
Again, there is no “perfect.” To say that one waits a lifetime for their perfect soulmate to come around is an absolute paradox. People eventually get tired of waiting, so they take a chance on someone, and by the powers of love, compromise and commitment they become soulmates, which takes nearly a lifetime to perfect.
This concept truly relates to almost everything in life too. With a little patience and an open mind, over time, I bet that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home. That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding career. That imperfect friend evolves into a steady shoulder to lean on. And… that imperfect man or woman evolves into a “perfect” lifelong companion.
(Note: Our New York Times bestseller, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs, is an easy-to-read guide that will make your life and relationships a lot healthier, guaranteed.)
Now, it’s your turn…
Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think of this short essay.
What resonated? Any other thoughts on perfectionism’s harmful role in relationships?
I’d love to hear from YOU. 🙂
And finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Martha says
Thank you so much for this. The dangers of holding out for the “perfect” anything can never be overstated. It is also a problem for those individuals on the other side that get hurt by the people of both genders on the futile quest for perfection.
PS. Think Better Live Better was amazing this year. Truly insightful. I didn’t get a chance to thank you at the event, but I am truly thankful.
Hanna Talbot says
Wonderful topic, and great timing… Perfection can be paralyzing, whether you are talking about a project at work or looking for your true love. Settling is not the answer, but being willing to do a little bit of work on your own – adjusting and learning from another person’s quirks – is what makes the journey so interesting.
More than perfection, finding someone who is as willing as you are to learn and adapt to the eventual changes we all go through is what makes “happily ever after” possible (says the woman who learned it the hard way on marriage #1).
Love this quote too, “…perfection doesn’t exist in a static state. Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow… imperfection must exist in order for us to appreciate the things that are truly amazing in our lives”
Mabel Misberg says
I have been trying always to be perfect , the perfect daugthe (especially) and failed ,,my parents loved my twin sisters a lot ,so no matter the degrees at University I obtained ,nothing was enough.
As mothe ,I wanted to be also perfect,,what a great mistake !!! one of my children the eldest was adopted ,the other was born nine month later from the adoption ,
The eldest who is just a successful man does not love me as I am not her biological mother,
Sorry for my English , I am from Argentina ,Buenos Aires
Thank you a lot
Mabel
samantha says
Mabel, Your message resonated with me during my teenage years and later in life. A “People Pleaser” is the phrase used. In your family you care to be loved and it can be a crushing blow to learn that family ( parents) love a sibling and not us as well. We go out of our way to show that we are worth while and lovable. The Truth is , We are worth while and lovable. In my family, both of my parents had alcoholism. This is not pretty. Through years afterwards, I learned to love myself and now I have no pain over their rejection of me, though this rejection did not help me in my formative and teenage years. My guidance in life was void. Many corrections by me made in my life. A lot of work, but worth it. You are worth while and loved by God.
Michael Logan says
Excellent post!!
“What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow”
People change, I change, the world is constantly changing. What is perfect today will not be perfect tomorrow.
“The time is never right”
I was always in search of the perfect… everything : Perfect car, girlfriend, stuff. Does it have to be perfect? Why do we seek perfection? In our modern world we get absorbed in what other people think. But now I have realized no matter what I do, somebody will not like it. So in who’s eyes are you seeking perfection, and how long will that view of perfection last? Be confortable will change, and you will not be concered with perfection because it is only temporary good or bad, this will change.
Ruth says
Exactly, you were right on that. I agreed with you but living a life to make people like us is totally wrong. Don’t live to find the right one, I believe it both partner can join hands together things will work suitable for them… works on theirs bad weak point and realized the truth about life
Nev says
Your emails always arrive in my inbox on time. I personally am always trying to improve myself and keep growing as a person, and that’s all I really want from someone that I am with. Not perfection, but growth! I think we should set some base guidelines, and then see how we feel about the people who meet those.
Cindy L says
What a lovely post for Valentine’s Day — a reminder of what’s truly important in our relationships. To echo the other comments here, perfection is a tricky business. Unfortunately, the images of romantic love that we see on TV and in movies — and even the posturing on social media — all give us a false idea of what real love looks like. Thanks for reminding us that it “can take a lifetime” to grow a relationship.
Vanessa Rolph says
I think true love is a destiny, you cannot control it. I met the most wonderful man as a younbgwoman of 22 we were quite opposite in some ways but we had an instant spark of love for me it was like a thunderbolt. He came into my life most unexpectedly a one a million chance meeting. I loved him from the first moment we kissed. He passed way two years ago, after 36 years together, and I know for sure that I can never love anyone again like I loved him. I am not seeking love any longer but trying to give love to others. God gave him to me and I know he is with God again and not suffering pain any longer. Make every day count and be grateful for the blessings in your life and don’t expect perfection.
Roba yoga says
Am sorry for you loss. God bless you , i hope to meet toggeter in heaven oneday..??
samantha says
Vanessa, your shared message is beautiful. In the Bible it says what Love ?? is. Love has imperfections as well.
John A.Casper says
The paradoxical aspects of human existence are all that there are after all…then there is faith- which is irrational- the rest is hype and marketing.
Elizabeth says
Eish….I give up on myself. I read these awesome articles and I say “Amen” to all of them , but eish i do not apply them!!! Maybe I’m a sucker for rejection.
E
T says
Same. ?
Michael Sheridan says
Well said! There is no such thing as perfection in humans, so there cant be in a relationships between two of them either. Our 40+ year marriage works because we both focus on and appreciate each other’s strengths, and either compensate for or ignore the rest.
Karen says
This is exactly what I needed today. I have been in a long term relationship that had a few bumps in the road. We have been able to get thru them thankfully, because I have felt from the beginning that he was my soulmate. I have been struggling to convince myself that nothing is ever perfect and this can be my forever person, but we WILL have bumps in the road. That is ok! It will help us to be stronger and closer. Thank for this article!!!
Luz says
I struggle with ‘not being enough’ for Others and for myself. This article really touched that place. Thank you for reminding me what is Real and Authentic and Imperfect – that there is Hope. I’m not there yet, I am breathing and working on it. Thank you. ?
Jeff L says
Ive been married once, had a kid and got a divorce. To this day, twenty two years after it ended, I have never felt the need to find the next perfect companion. Divorce taught me my limitations (Im a pain in the ass, and cohabitating isnt gonna end well) because if anything, Im the imperfect one. I will say that living alone has helped me appreciate just how amazing women are. So why ruin a great relationship by getting married?
Ruth says
Touching story
Sheryl says
After my husband of 26 years died, I didn’t think I would ever find another man to love or who would love me as much. An old friend – our best man – started calling to check up on me. We talked for hours. He was happily married with kids and lived in another state. He was there for me for 2 years and then his wife died. The tables turned and I started calling him. During the 3rd year, he started wooing me over the phone but I poo-pooed even thinking about “us” together. He believes in God and I don’t. He is a gun enthusiast and I’m not. We have different political views. Finally, after the 4th year, we were on the phone and I was browsing the dating sites I was on and sharing posts by a myriad of men. He said to me, “You are so funny. I am everything you are looking for. I am right here!” He reminded me of all the things we had in common but I hadn’t really seen him in 20+ years and I was having a hard time letting go of the 3 things we did not have in common that I thought were too important. I let my walls down realizing how much I loved him “as a friend” and I told him I needed “face-time”. I told him there was no way I could know if I had any romantic interest in him as I had never thought about it before. Long story short — he came to town; we spent a weekend together. Simply put, I fell completely in love with him. We have been together now for 7 months. He moved in 1 month after that first weekend and though he still isn’t the “perfect” man, we are the “perfect” couple and our differences – while still there – only spur deep conversations and honestly do not compare with the deep love we feel for each other. I never thought I could love someone so much who didn’t share my viewpoints on religion, guns or politics but all I know is, I am happy he was persistent and I was able to let him into my heart and let go of thinking I needed someone who believed as I do about everything. Life is too short. I am happier than I have ever been. I only wanted a relationship that was “organic”. I know I have not settled and ended up with my best friend — one of the only people who reached out on a constant basis when I was in my darkest place struggling to pick up the pieces of my life.
samantha says
Thank You for sharing. Do you believe in God now?
Sandi says
I believe that most people who are watching for that ‘perfect’ someone will be waiting a lifetime. If they would narrow the list down to 3 or 4 important ‘must have’ traits, they could be sharing a life with someone who continues to amaze them with selfless qualities.
Benjamin says
I understand where this article is going, but what about those relationships that are toxic or abusive? are you supposed to ignore those things because both of you had amazing chemistry?
I fell in love with a married woman, and everything was “perfect” – we had the greatest chemistry, we could talk for hours, we shared alot common interests, we could be vulnerable with each other, BUT, she was married, with kids. she didn’t love her husband anymore but couldn’t leave because of the kids. she said she loved me and asked me to wait. I’m single, in my prime, with a promising career. I ask myself, if I’m supposed to, as you say, “by powers of love, compromise and commitment” wait out for her til she’s ready to be with me? Our constant fights revolved around the fact that while we both wanted to be with each other but we couldn’t due to the situation and the insecurities about it and I constantly feeling that I could be with someone “perfect” – someone like her, but single and ready to commit only to me.
samantha says
Benjamin, you have spent time with a woman unobtainable. A woman that does love you will not ask you to wait for her. You could wait till hell freezes over. You can meet an available woman that will give herself to you with out another man that she’s married to. Leave her and involve your time with a woman who is not married.
Lady J says
I have a friend who is around 60 or 61 now, she has been looking for the perfect man for the past 30 years. She is still looking ;(
I’m in my early 70’s, married twice – both times to the wrong man for the wrong reasons. For the past 25 years I’ve been in a relationship with my “dreamboat” or soulmate, whatever you want to call him. Neither of us are perfect, we’re both far from it. He is the best thing that has every happened to me and I knew from the moment I saw him that he was “the one”. Thank goodness he felt the same way! I write this with a smile on my face and love in my heart.
James says
Wow, this reached me at the perfect time (a little laughter) your right, everything takes time, just try to start with the best you have at the moment and grow!
Debi Shaw says
I certainly agree that you cannot have “perfect”. But I could not marry someone who didn’t believe in Christ, couldn’t imagine being with someone I wasn’t attracted to, or spending more nights alone while my partner was married to his job. For me, that’s not looking for perfection, that is searching for a mate who has the same lifestyle I do. Which one of these would YOU give up? I have friends who have married for money only, married for looks only, married outside their religion (if that is important) and guess what? They are all unhappy. Be smart about what you need. It’s not perfection that we desire but someone who melds with our life and beliefs.
Mary Candle says
I just began reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***” and I am really enjoying it. A lot of stuff that I’ve read so far (only on chapter 3) really resonated with your article and I really agree with. Thank you for the read. Good stuff (:
Joanne Shreve says
I really related to the last 2 paragraphs especially. I’m thinking of quoting them at my parents’ joint celebration of life tomorrow. Thanks.
Aurora says
Years ago, after dating a bunch of really imperfect people, I wrote a list of things a man must have. I realized that he may have character traits that would not be on the list and dreams that I would not be able to anticipate, but I knew that I had some non-negotiable things. I found a man who was perfect for my list and appreciated the other things about him that were not on my list.
Emanuela says
“your goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement”… Is my quote of the day! Very inspiring and insightful essay. Thank you so much and Happy Valentine’s Day to you!
Joe says
This is fantastic. My ex was never perfect, and she didn’t have most of the traits I was looking for in a woman. I talked to a friend who told me, “Everybody has things that make them special, you should look for the things that make her special”.
I took that advice, and fell in love with her. When those annoying little imperfections showed up, I completely stopped noticing them. I ended up loving her more than I’ve ever loved another human being. I wanted to wake up next to her for the rest of my life.
She decided to go find her perfect man. I never heard from her again.
It works, I guess she found him.
Marianna says
I wish I could find someone to share my life with. We all have challenges in our lives, but I cannot find someone that will understand and stick with me through challenges. I’m smart, a go getter, think on my feet, am positive no matter what the situation, but not unrealistic. I see things for what they are. I had a wonderful career, that I absolutely loved, and probably worked too much, but received a lot of grief for a great career and working hard and smart at it. Then I lost my career due to serious injuries and repeated surgeries. The last surgeon says he performed a very difficult but necessary surgery on me against the odds because of my upbeat and positive attitude. I can’t do the sports I used to love, but I can walk and most people do not even know that I had many serious surgeries. My father and mother passed away. I have what turned out to be is a very seriously mentally ill brother, paranoid, greedy, and an alcoholic, who is nasty, dirty, no hygiene whatsoever, is sneaky and violent. I thought we were close but busy, but I realized we were not close, he just avoided my parents and I with excuses of being too busy, for a lifetime. He recently tried to commit suicide and I have foolishly been there for him during that time and tried to help him at Great expense to my life. I usually stay away from him since he got very rough with me physically, but I must interact with him regarding my father’s estate. He is causing me much misery. This is a lot for a partner to handle, but everyone has there battles, each one of us does. This is one of the most difficult times of my life. I have not been seeking anyone during this. But it sure would be nice if someone would step up to the plate and stick out life’s inevitable rough patches with me. I’m not high maintenance, but am beat and very clean, I am independent, and mostly happy. I have a lot of work to do to recover from what the brother has done to me, but I’m not in a heap crying about it. I have always wished someone would accept me for who I am, a normal human being, with strengths and weaknesses, not perfect and nowhere near it! But neither is anyone else. I’ve had men who wanted me to be who they wanted me to be instead of loving me for who I am and who I am evolving into. We always grow. I’ve had men who just wanted me for a Barbie doll although I certainly don’t think of myself as that. I’ve had men that wanted me for what I could give them although I’m not rich at all. I’d just like a real man, strong yet gentle, open minded, active, always wanting to grow and learn, yes with a strong faith because this is very important to me, God is at the center of my life and my faith has kept me going through all that I have been through. I am 56 years old now, couldn’t have children, but love them or at this point grandchildren! And would like to have a true partner in my life. I wonder if I will ever have this and lately it really saddens me that by this age I do not. Im trying to stay upbeat about THIS but this does make me somewhat sad. I’ve never actually been accepted or loved for who I am and know that I need work in different areas, as we all do, but I’m pretty well rounded and don’t understand why I don’t have a nice husband. I’ve been asked why I’m not married by various people. I’m asking now too. Would really like a good person in my life to share my life with and talk about everything under the sun and above, to spoil rotten! And to just enjoy life. Kind of given up thinking maybe that’s asking for too much. Any thoughts?
samantha says
Marianna, do you go out often, get together with friends who can introduce you to any single, available men? Do you go to Church at all to get involved in groups of people that help their community ? Do you have a hobby that you really enjoy doing? Do you have one you would like to get involved with? Are there classes or one class you are interested in , where you are with lots of people ? Perhaps a class that could lead to a new career? Your life has many possibilities . Fund Raising Organizations could be another Possibilitu for you to share your great talents with the world. Expand your Horizons and the rest will take care of themselves
Jerrilyn Noonan says
I am divorced having married a man who was unwilling to change, grow, compromise. We were constantly at a stalemate , living within walls of silence. He asked for divorce claiming I did not want him but only wanted to change him. I do not miss the stress of a toxic relationship but have been unable to settle. Have been on my own, developing skills and enjoying activities that energize me. Am young at heart and find most men like to be sedentary. The ones I meet skating, skiing or being active are married with a wife at home. Is it bad luck or bad karma?
samantha says
The most important thing right now, is that you are happy doing the activities you enjoy. Does this sound good to you ? Alone time can help you get through your uncomfortable marriage that led to divorce. I’m sure your husband during that time had faults and imperfections before your marriage and after, yet it was less painful for him to acknowledge any of his short comings. Count Your Blessings Every Day and Keep Smiling!
Charlotte says
Loved the article and all the comments! As many already said, very timely being that today is Valentine’s Day – a day for love, whether you have a sweetheart or not. Not a day for perfection. In my 70’s, having been married a few times in the past, I am happy to live solo because of my family and friends who unsparingly offer love without trying to “remake” me into someone else. Send love to everyone you can today!!!
Sheena says
Such a wonderful article! You guys are helping so many more people than you know! Thank you for your work!
Joanna says
In a nutshell… so true and very well said! Thanks for the reminder!
Joanna
Joanne says
My mom always told me, “You’ll never find the perfect man, but you will find one whose faults you can tolerate more than anyone else’s.” She was so right! And really, if I found the PERFECT man he wouldn’t want anything to do with me… I’m not perfect! I have been happily married now for 27 years! He is an amazing man and I focus on his wonderful traits, not the things that make me crazy (which we all have). You can have a happy marriage or a crappy marriage… depending on what you focus on. I like being happy. And the same rule applies to the rest of your life too… look for the good and that’s what you’ll find.
Mary says
Absolutely! However, I let go of perfection many years ago when I realized how terribly unperfect I am and I am still sitting here single on yet another Valentines Day. Wow. 20 years now. Crazy. And now since I have admitted that to your followers, I would just like to say to all of you with husbands, boyfriends, etc….don’t take them for granted. As long as they are not emotionally or physically abusing you, try to remember why you fell in love with them to begin with and let all the petty things go today. I would rather be alone than in the wrong relationship, no doubt (obviously, I’m still single), but I’m just saying….being alone really sucks to not have someone who supports you in life as a friend, partner, and lover and can be very lonely. I’m a Libra and I crave love and relationships and I have been a mess for years to not have that. I know relationships can be work as well, but I’ll take that work with the right guy (not perfect, but right) anyday over being alone in this journey. This sounds not very loving and harsh, but an old friend said to me once “there is no such thing as THE ONE, there is just the one you can put up with” LOL. Think about it. Clearly it is very blunt the way she said that, but it’s really true. We are all imperfect, so my friends, when you can find that one that you can put up with AND can put up with you? They are keepers!
Husayn says
Love the article! I’ve realized over time that you will never find the perfect person and that everyone has their good qualities and faults.
Mj says
An important caveat here though, is don’t allow people who are toxic to stay in your life just so you feel you are looking away from their imperfections.
Anyone who makes you feel bad for your emotions, won’t discuss the relationship without blame and who does anything you feel very uncomfortable with has to go.
Priyanka says
Wow! Loved the article. It is true that there is nothing called perfection. But any person can be perfect for someone. Well written! Thanks!
+-Life. says
Definitely agree that “perfect” doesn’t exist!
Instead of asking how to find the perfect man/woman, we should re-frame that to:
“How to find the perfect man/woman for me?”
Because then it becomes more about finding someone who complements you instead of someone who’s flawless.
Someone whose personality, beliefs and values align with yours.
Someone who relates well with you.
The perfect partner doesn’t exist.
But the perfect partner for you does.
Madolyn says
I love the article. Nobody is perfect. But you can still find someone who fits you. Thanks a lot!
Mahi says
Thanks a lot for publishing these unique and informative stories.